carless

well, i've been carless since 3 days back and am still adjusting to it.

technically, although i have tried my very best to walk to work, i find myself invariably relying on bee to pick me for breakfast and then to send me to work. and on the few occasions when he didn't, i'll drive half the distance and park my car at the uni. this had been the pattern since the start of the year. and it helped me lots given me bad foot that hurt quite badly after walking a distance. two weeks ago, this routine ended. so, yeah... such habits, established after following a routine for 3 months, are difficult to change. need some adjustment to. it will be physically difficult and the pains in my feet has started acting up again. but i have to get use to it. old lesson relearnt. self-reliance.

now for walking home from work. i have always done it and so the loss of my car did not really impact me although the walking now aggravated the pain that had started again. i felt the loss most when it came to dinners and post-dinner activities. it had been this pattern for the last 4 years since i took care of mum. i would bring her out for dinners and to do some shopping after that. and on weekends, i'd bring her out to some parks, temples, breakfast etc. my life revolved around hers and the car was the only mean of transport me us. so... 

so... yeah. need to get use to this for now. i will call for the tow-truck tomorrow and await recommendations from the service centre if i should proceed with the repairs. if it turns out to be expensive, i will most probably scrape it. and then, i will decide if i should get a replacement car, used or otherwise.

:-)

my car died too

this past week, there were lotsa news about death and on saturday, my car died too.

haha... i decided not to do anything about it cos the last two times it happened, it somehow got ok after 2 days. so i decided to just wait things out. it has been 2 days and hmmm, it still has not decided to co-operate. and worst still, i observed a patch of oil on the floor below where the engine is. i will probably get a tow truck to tow it to the repair shop tomorrow. 

quite unwilling to do it actually, considering i only have 3 more months to go before i scrape it.

hmmm...

the final farewell

it was perhaps fitting that the sky mourned alongside many of us.

it poured and many stood, solemnly and patiently, as they awaited the final view of mr lee's hearse. 12.30pm came and the final farewell started. the guards of honour from the uniformed services from both the police and the armed forces marched ahead of the hearse, and with his family and pall bearers walking behind. all these as the rain continued pouring. it was heartbreaking. the military gave a fitting farewell march where the army honoured him with a 21-gun salute, the air force with a fly-past and the navy with a sail-past. crowds lined the streets, all of the more than the 15km-journey and shouted "lee kuan yew" as the hearse passed them. and just as it seemed to have been pre-planned, the sky cleared up when the hearse arrived at the university where the final eulogies were delivered.

the 7-day mourning period building up to this final hours had been most useful, useful for a fact that it provided the space for the nation to mourn and to grief. it was necessary, given that the nation and him shared a very strong and very special bond. over the last 2 days, i am beginning to see people composing light notes about their thoughts about his passing and some even were able to talk about moving forward and continuing with his legacies. the slow transition of the moods of the postings in the social media suggest to me that many are coming to terms with his passing.

and above all, i admire pm lee for being able to continue to show resilience and composure as he went about thanking singaporeans for their support, despite his own loss and the fact that he had just recently undergone an operation for his prostate cancer.

thank you pm lee, both the first and the current.

what have i given up? my life

there have been many articles about mr lee since his demise. many, especially from the western media, continue to decry his policies and his hard-handedness. common themes around the lack of individual freedom, dictatorship, authoritarian, etc continue to be featured. 

of course, these writers are entitled to their views. i can only say this - he is a man of his time, shaped by very unusually tumultuous circumstances present during his time. of wars, discriminations and threats. he did what he needed to do. and his motivation was not a selfish one. it was one that was in the interest of singapore. and as a person who had lived a huge part of my life under his premiership, i had benefited tremendously. and i had enjoyed one of the highest standard of living, of freedom, of safety, of security, of quality of life that, i dare say, comparable to most developed countries in the world.

even the skies mourn

perhaps it's a coincidence, but it is symbolic to me.

the day before he passed away (last sunday), the whole island experienced a thunderstorm. a storm so huge that many areas experienced floods. i was driving to my brother's place and had to negotiate quite a few roads where localised water-ponding had occurred. and at many stretches of the road, it was half-a-wheel deep and i feared my car would stall. that was really weird, considering we are in the midst of a dry spell and that we had not experienced rain for some many days. i wrote in my facebook then that "even the skies are crying". i had expected him to pass on that day and had hinted about it in this particular facebook status update, but felt it was not respectful to write it down.

he left us quietly that night. 3.18am. for the whole of the week, apart from a quick passing showers yesterday, the skies stayed dry. and it allowed the nation to mourn and to pay our respects to him.

today is his funeral. i brought mum out to breakfast and there was this eerie silence all around. many people had donned black, white or sombre colours. it was still early and some 4 hours to the funeral, but everyone was talking about it. and since morning, the skies was heavy with dark clouds, threatening to rain again. and as i type, light rain has started falling. i am really hoping the sky holds and that there would be no thunderstorm, at least until the funeral is over. but i am pessimistic about it. the skies are also mourning. despite this, i am sure many will brave the rain as they line the roads to bid him the final farewell.

:-(

things i avoid doing these days

these are some things i do not do these days and they include:

• asking "wru"
• asking "what are you doing"
• initiate conversations

perhaps this is for the better, at least for now, so as to avoid being misunderstood.

aging sapphie

these days, especially so over the last 2 months, sapphie my dog had been tapping on my bed at around 6-6.30am to wake me up. that was her way of telling me she needed to be brought out to pee. and not only that, she pees in the house at odd hours, out of her routine times almost every other 2 days. such occurrences suggest to me that the routine of bringing her down (to pee) trice a day - at 7.30am, 6.00pm and 9.30pm - no longer suffice and the frequency needs to be increased.

all these meant one thing - she is getting on with age and her ability to control her bladder is getting weaker with each passing days.

:-)

more bad news

added to the week of death-related news, here're a couple more negative news/ incidents/ stresses that i experienced over the week...

• my mum had a really bad fall on monday late afternoon and her whole face suffered bad bruises/ blue-black/ blood clots. also, her hands and knees were bloodied. she suffered terrible body aches as a result of the fall too.

• my brother was diagnosed with diabetes over the weekend. and i guessed it dawned upon him that he should start to do some exercises and to get into shape. he had starting very intensive walking and been more careful with his diet. let's hope his discipline lasts.

• my boss once again went into his abusive mood. not once but a couple of times. but this time round, it was directed towards my colleagues. yesterday, he screamed at her over a document she emailed him. apparently what she wrote didn't go well with him and he told her she must "think". and he shouted as he repeated the word "think". it was so loud many of us outside his office could hear. and it almost sounded like he was calling her stupid. such flare ups invariably create lots of tensions amongst every one in the department.

• i had almost 3 full days of training. hardly rested and as a result, my legs, my back and my whole body was sore like crazy.

hmmm. quite a terrible week ya? but well, i thought i managed relatively ok. at least i am still one piece. looking forward for this week to be over. can't wait for all the negativity to end. 

:-)

week of death

this has been a week of death for me.

first, it was mr lee. his passing saw the whole nation mourning and grieving and the mood was terribly low. and then on tuesday, i got a text from a good old friend, whom i had spend my ns years with, that his dad had passed on. i visited the wake last night to pay my respects to his dad after mum went to bed. this morning, i got a text from another friend telling me that my uni lecturer, who taught me several modules during my undergrad years, had succumbed to cancer and died on the same day mr lee died. she was cremated yesterday. and late afternoon, got news from my colleague that our fellow-colleague, who has been suffering from cancer, had been rushed to the hospital. she is in very bad condition and doctors has advised her family members to be prepared for the worst. 

too many deaths for me and too suddenly too. it's really difficult to handle all these deaths almost all at once.

sighs...

paying respects to mr lee

was at the bedok community site last evening. i felt the strong need to pay my last respects to mr lee but i decided against heading to the parliament house where his body lies. the media had reported that the queue time there was some 8-10hours. i certainly couldn't afford to do that, not with my mum with me. the bedok community site was a make shift site and had been constructed to allow people living in the east to pay respects to mr lee. 

we arrived there at about 9pm, and the queue at bedok was still building up very fast. people were still pouring in. thankfully, it moved just as fast. amazed at how everyone was so co-operative and respectful. and the whole organisation of the place was really excellent. very smooth, very efficient. 

and as for mum, at 83 of age and cannot remember many things, she remembered she must pay her respects to mr lee. and interestingly, once there, she wanted me to buy her bouquet of flowers. and she sat there quietly as she waited for me to sign the condolence book. and when our turn came, she quietly looked at his photo, paid her respects and placed the flowers on the stage. three members of parliament were on site to thank us for being there and one of them recognised mum. his short chat cheered her up.

overwhelming sadness

been a whole long emotional week.

lump in throat several times each day, and often red-teary eyes. it's hard not to be so when the whole atmosphere nation-wide is so sombre and sad. even the national radio and tv stopped playing anything other than soft music and non-stop commentaries about mr lee and his life. the outpouring of emotions has been rather overwhelming. and to a certain extent, i would say the emotions were magnified when you have people around you behaving this way. but from what i gathered from all my fiends and colleagues whom i spoke to, each and everyone shared that they had at some time or other cried when they were alone, just reflecting on the loss.

sighs... too many things to write but just didn't know where to start or how to start. it's been 4 days and the queues to pay respect to him both at the parliament house and all the 18 community sites have been terribly long despite all of them (less 8 community sites) operating round the clock, 24hours. the mourning will hit a climax over this coming weekend. it had been announced that there will be a flying past by the air force, a sail past by the navy and a 21-gun salute by the army for mr lee. very fitting and perhaps the very least we can do for this great man whole build up the nation and had put everything we can think of in place for us to grow up in, peacefully and as united as we can be, regardless of race, language or religion.

rest well, sir.

beyond words

cannot find any words currently to describe the sense of loss currently.

can only say "thank you sir".

let him go

omg, i find myself tearing very often these couple of days whenever i read news about mr lee's deteriorating health. and am rather disappointed to see disrespectful postings by some people about mr lee. i suspect this was done by youngsters who had used the opportunity to direct their unhappiness with the whatever policies towards him. or worst still, just being playful and wanting to seek attention. whatever the reasons, it's not right. not just to mr lee, it's not right to do such acts towards any human beings.

really, love him or hate him, there's no denial that he had delivered. i have personally experienced the life in singapore since independence and can appreciate the changes and improvements here. all these would not be possible without mr lee and his able lieutenants. thus, at this moment, let's reflect on the overall good he had done, not just for us singaporeans, but also for many overseas. and in the face of death, it's time to be thankful and for some, to forgive. time to let go. time to see him as a fellow human being, a father, a son, a brother, a friend... just like you and i. and most importantly, time to be compassionate and respectful.

wishing mr lee a smooth and peaceful journey.

thank you sir.

one of the things i hate..

is to have someone slam the phone on me...

angry!

$1 a day

couple of days ago, a volunteer with the cancer society asked me: "hi sir, do you think it's too much to donate just $1 a day to help and to save cancer patients?". to me, such a question is no different from an indirect emotional blackmail and is rather effective. for sure, it would get people's attention, and to reflect for a while and in all likelihood, agree. and that would naturally be when the person would then ask a follow-up question about whether you would want to do so. right?

anyway, i kinda pre-empted the second question and simply replied: "oh, certainly not at all! but well, you know, i'm just not ready to do it..." i thought my response kinda caught her off-guard for she simply responded with an "orh, ok, thank cute..."

:-)

weird dream

i have been having quite a few weird dreams lately but of cos, most of the time, i'd forget about them when i wake out. but this morning, i dreamt of something that i didn't forget. here's how the dream went..

bee appeared in my dream and i vaguely remember him walking out of a gym. he seemed to be with someone whom i cannot really recognize. in fact, the face of the person was blurred off in the dream. and i asked him if he was with that person, and how long he had been gymming with that person. and that was when he confessed to me that he had been seeing this other guy who happened to be his ex (the one whom he broke off with to be with me some 10 years back). the me in my dream had been having tensions about his gymming and his secrecy in his movements and whereabouts. and with his confession, everything became clear.

i woke up after that dream.

hmmm...

dinner w the sinseh

well, i went for my massage and acupuncture treatment as directed yesterday. and after the treatment, we went for dinner. it was an awkward dinner for me, considering the conversation was mostly done in either chinese or hokkien. haha...

anyway, he asked me quite a few really awkward questions during the dinner such as what my tattoo meant, whether i am married, etc. and added to that he volunteered quite a few details about himself too. i kept the conversation as neutral as possible and tried not to ask anything too personal. but seriously, some of the things he did made me feel rather uncomfortable. these include showing me his drawings and explaining that he likes to put into pictures songs that he learnt since young. and he even went on to sing a couple of verses for me! haha.. imagine this, two men in their 40s/ 50s having dinner and one singing away softly. weird right? 

other than that, i thought it was a nice dinner.

:-)

the last, naruto the movie

if not for bee, i wouldn't have gotten to know japanese comic series such as naruto some years back. and although i have not followed the series, i have hardly missed the naruto movies. and we caught the final instalment of naruto movie last night. as per all japanese movies, the movie was just as magical, and graphics were so beautifully drawn. and on a side note, i thought naruto was really cute, the way he was drawn.

as i said, i had not fully followed the naruto comic series and was not fully in the know of the various characters. but this did not stop me from enjoying the movie. it managed to cover key snippets of the relationship between naruto and hinata from their childhood years, and at the same time unfold the background behind the historical feuds between the different factions of the ninja and how they culminate to the final battle between naruto and toneri.

thoroughly enjoyable!

no facebook = happier

i still have a facebook account. 

but i don't use it the way i did 4 years ago where i update my status with my thoughts frequently and read the updates of my friends. also, i admittedly look forward to people's validation of my status updates, frequently checking how many likes i get, how many comments i get. and invariably, i find myself getting very upset and depressed when people do not validate me, do not have similar thoughts as me, do not behave the same way as me, etc. and considering i am not a confrontational person, i get stressed out easily by comments that are either disrespectful or critical (but to me, not unjustified). i deleted that account during the last general elections after being stressed out by all the comments that were so emotional and not objective.

i started resuming facebook again probably a year or more back. it was a back-up account that i had created when i first started facebook. i had previously used it to check my active account to ensure the security setting works. it remained dormant after i deleted my first account. since i resumed facebook, i had simply use facebook as a transit point to capture my thoughts and once i transfer them into my blog, i delete away my status update. and with no attachment to my status updates, i have also stopped reading and following my friend's status updates too. and guess what, i am a much happier person. i am no longer troubled by people's views. and to me, not reading my friends posting does not mean i am escaping from reality, it simply means i am allowing myself to better prioritise my time. and with this way of using facebook, it is almost like no facebook.

so... yeah, no facebook = happier.

:-)

my very interesting sinseh

my sinseh (traditional chinese medical practitioner) has been extremely nice to me. so nice until i feel a little uneasy. heh...

well, i got to know him when i went for my gua sha treatment about 2 months back. what happened was that after the massage and the gua sha, he came to me and did the acupuncture for me. and after that he pulled me aside and told me to visit him at a tcm centre that he volunteers weekly. this centre is near my place and thus, he said, would be more convenient to me. and most importantly, i need not pay a bomb to the tcm shop that i went to for my massage and gua sha. and he gave me his contact number too.

i was appreciative of his suggestion and i had been visiting this centre since then. and for him, he would call me almost weekly to check on my health and to remind me to see him. my visits have always been in the evenings and each time i visited him, i would bring my mum along. it was convenient for me too as i would bring her for dinner before i visit the sinseh. the sinseh came to know about mum waiting for him and even gave me tips on how to manage mum's health. kinda interesting right? haha...

yesterday was my most recent visit to him. this visit was shorter compared to previous sessions as he said "he didn't want mum to wait too long for me". and he asked me to visit him again this sunday afternoon. and he added that since it would be in the afternoon, i need not bring mum along. and that we can go for a good dinner after that.

hmmm... 

lol!

tgif!

i am so totally elated that friday and the week has ended.

it had been a terribly draining week although most of the time i was at my desk and not running around doing training. but it was draining for the fact that i had to do my new workyear planning and objective setting for my team. and i had to do this without any clear directions and understanding of the department strategy other than a a few words that state the outcome my team was to drive towards. thus, lots of time was thus spend on thinking through, framing and deriving my action plans while at the same time, trying to crystallise what the department's strategy is like and how to integrate my plans with the other sections...

but well, i finally did it and presented it today. and my boss didn't make much comment (although i suspect he would be using what i had crafted as part of his plans) although he wanted us to reframe and articulate things according to his format. hmmm... such crap right? if he has a format, he should give it to us first and not let us go through the days of deep-thinking etc. in this regard, i think my colleagues were smarter, they simply crafted a few sentences and proposed timeline and let him critique like no tomorrow and simply take his points so that they can rework their plan according to his wishes. then again, that is not me... so...

but yeah, i am so bloody glad the week has ended. 

i am so totally drained now.

shocking hearsay about "m"

the best test for any food outlet is when its own employees willingly eats its own products.

was at the tcm center when i overheard a lady, who currently works in a popular fast food chain (that starts with the letter "m"), related to her friend how she and her 3 kids (who had previously worked in the same chain too) swore off all cooked food sold by the chain after seeing how the oil was recycled again and again, sometimes for as long as 7-8 days.

kinda shocking.

very professional colleague

my boss had arranged for a meeting two days ago with another department and made us attend the meeting. he wanted to make sure we fully support this department (at least that was what he said although i wasn't sure if this was what he meant considering he started off his employment clashing very badly with this particular department head - let's call him mr ewe). mr ewe has been with the company a couple of years and is very well-respected by all. he gets along very well with people regardless of how high or how low their position is. he is very warm with people yet seldom cross the line to being personal, not sure how to explain this, but he has the gift to make a person feel very comfortable. everyone of us in the company holds him in very high regard. 

now back to the story. just 15min before the meeting commenced, he called me and another fellow manager into his room. he instructed us to be prepared with a very clear agenda cos mr ewe "knows  his business well and what he wants". it was a very curious instruction considering it was he who insisted this meeting and that we have no particular agenda with mr ewe. what more what we have been working very well with mr ewe's department.

anyway, the meeting started and true enough, mr ewe thanked my boss and asked my boss to start off with his agenda. my boss didn't have any except that he wanted to see how best we can help his department. with this input, mr ewe pulled out his agenda and went through the meeting using his agenda, point-by-point. and what's even more interesting was - while mr ewe focused on the issues and the discussions of how to move matters forward objectively, while my boss kept focusing the discussion on us, as in - how screwed up and trashy we were and was quick to blame us when any issue was brought up. and whenever he did so, the mr ewe and his staff kept defending us and pointing out that we had worked very well together and that issues that happened were one off but reflected process flaws or policy gaps that needed to be addressed. the meeting went very smoothly and mr ewe was in full control of it.

today, something even more interesting happened. i met mr ewe along the office cubicle aisle and i took the opportunity to thank him for a very fruitful meeting. i thought it was only courteous to do so but his reaction to me caught me off-guard. he pulled me aside and invited me into his office. he then closed the door and talked to me in a manner that i have never seen him do so. he shared his views about my boss and also his tensions with him. and he added he could also sense a lot of tensions amongst us managers in my department and that he was concerned about our well-being. he also shared that through his grapevine, i'll probably be the next to leave the company and that he's sad if that happens. he made me promise to talk to him before i make any decisions. i was kinda dumbfounded by this whole event. but in a way, it felt good to know that there are people who are concerned about us and keeps a look out for us.

:-)

decreased blogging frequency

i have not been blogging so often these days.

well, apart from the lack of good topics (many things i blog tend to sound very routine now! lol), i must also admit i feel less energetic about writing. i supposed i have been rather busy and rather low morale these days and by the time i settled into bed in the evenings, i would be too drained to do anything...

let's hope things get better.

:-)

m-b-e

i wrote about my very bossy boss sometime back and a great blogger friend advised me that for such characters, it is important to have decisions and important conversations captured in writing, e.g. via email, so that a trail can be captured.

i can totally appreciate this advice after these few weeks of observation. i noticed he is a person who is quick to jump on us, and blame us for for things that, often a times, are not justified. case of point was how he jumped onto a colleague of mine and screamed at her for not updating a set of documents according to his instructions. and when my colleague insisted she did not get any input, his first reaction was (in a not too friendly a manner) - "you wait, i go check my email..." i have seen this sentence being uttered once to many times now.

and almost a few times a week, we would get nasty-sounding emails from him, although the things he wrote were factual and that you cannot find fault with it (such as - stating that we should observe 1-hour lunches, we should start work at 8.30, we should clear our leave by end-of-the-month, etc). it didn't feel good to get such emails considering we are all adults and rather senior by position. and frankly, i believe such policies are stated in good faith but in its implementation, there is always room for give-and-take between leaders and their team members.

any, i have given this manner of controlling us a term. i call it mbe, or "management by emails".

couldn't get any worst.

lesson learnt for me: never do it like him. such style of communication is, by itself, flawed and ineffective. effective people pepper their communications with an copious amount of respect. that differentiates a leader from a boss. we are communicating with another human being, not a robot.

"why are you not dead?"

last week, my 4-year old niece asked me, innocently: pok pok (大伯), 你四十九岁为什么还没有死？(uncle, you are already 49 years old, why are you not dead yet?). i laughed it off and told her that at 49, i am still considered young. she simply accepted my explanation although i half-suspected that to her, anything about 10 years old is considered very old.

this week, when i visited her again, the first thing she did when i sat onto the sofa was to apologise to me. and she did it in a very meek manner, and her "sorry" was so soft, it was almost inaudible. and when i asked her why she had to apologise, she looked down as she muttered some words that only she herself could hear. i simply gave her a tight hug and after that she pranced off, happily as ever.. i found out later that she was scolded by my sis-in-law and was made to apologize.

heh... it was so heartbreaking to see her near to tears as she did so...

lol!

chat w headhunter

thus far, i had written to several headhunters and 2 had responded and asked for further details of my resume. i had also met up with one of them this week and it was an interesting meet. for a start, this headhunter was gay (and i know it cos i did a check on him in facebook and looking at this photos...). and when we chatted, his behaviour and mannerism was rather obvious. heh. but of cos, that was all besides the point. the point was, it was a very good and easy conversation and i believed he was rather convinced that i would make a good candidate to work with. 

let's see how things go. am also looking at jobs portal, connections, etc to help me.

:-)

"sir go where..."

this is mum's most commonly asked question to the maid.

she would ask this whenever i am not within her sight, be it at home, at the shopping centre, when i take my shower, when i walk behind her wheelchair, when... and whenever i respond to her and ask her why she'd ask the question, the consistent reply was - "i thought you had gone out." not whether i was in the room, the kitchen, the toilet, etc.... was because "i had gone out".

that kinda describes mum's thoughts about me. 

hmmm...

lol!

job search

after reviewing and updating my resume all over again, i have started sending it out to headhunters. will be meeting one of them later today. let's see how things go.

:-)

southern lions

watching this video reminds me once again why i love the southern lion so much more than the northern lion! the ferocity, the strength, the gentleness and the playful nature all rolled into one. and importantly brought to life by two very talented individuals inside. and as i watched, i invariably find myself forgetting that there were 2 human beings inside.

such is the magic i experience whenever i watch the southern lion dance. and it reminds of my junior college days where weekends were spend largely with my chinese orchestra friends or with my buddies from the lion dance troop. and it was during that period that i learned about lion dance and the symbolic meanings behind every little movements...

those were the good old days of learning about my own culture. 

:-)

ps: then again, this creature, commonly referred to as the lion is actually a mythical creature. and it is interesting how we, as human beings, inject movements that, to me, are similar to that of our very best friend - the dog. lol!

kingsman: the secret service

been a very long time since i last went for a midnight movie and despite my less than half awake state when i walked in, the movie was able to keep me glued to the screen throughout. yup, it was a highly entertaining spy action comedy movie. 

enjoyed it thoroughly.

:-)