Having been brought up in a very strict family environment where traditional and conservative views are passed from parents to their kids, I invariably found myself struggling with my sexuality when I was younger.
Was touched (then again, I could have stopped it but I did not) by a man when I was 14 years old at Katong Pool. He was a 30-plus year old man. That was my first sexual experience with a man. The experience created a deep sense of curiosity in me. The concept of "gay" just did not exist in my mind, and the thought of myself enjoying carnal pleasures with men simply freaked me out, although it seemed so natural. And although it was so pleasurable, I felt guilty. I thought I was abnormal!
Got myself seriously involved with WM when I was in my first year in NUS. He was bisexual. Malaysian. Had a girlfriend back in Ipoh, but in Singapore, he and I were an inseparable item. Our relationship was highly sexual in nature. But I could not accept the gay lifestyle as the way ahead for me due to my upbringing. I also saw no future in being gay in part because I (still at that time) felt it was `abnormal' and that it would be a lonely world out there. I ended up ignoring WM and we eventually separated. I hurt him big time. In my final year of NUS, I was introduced to the whole new gay world through a person I met while doing my science project and that sparked off a greater sense of curiosity and introduced me to the gay community and culture in Singapore.
That chance encounter with that gay man made me realise that there is a whole big community out there who are just like me. A sense of relief no doubt, but that did not take away the sense of shame, guilt and regret whenever I engaged in sex with other men. I felt dirty, I felt confused. The scenes kept repeating in my head. They haunted me. All these despite having had sex with men previously. I felt I had betrayed my parents (and for that matter, my ancestors) in that I will not be able to procreate and carry on the family name if I were to embrace a gay lifestyle. As such, I chose to lead a double life with the hope that I would get married one day. That was the start of my closeted dual life - day time as a straight man and night time as a gay man who seeked out dark places for ONS.
Reflecting, my life as a straight person in the day was nothing but a cover to my gay side. I was a closeted case. At that point in time, my gay lifestyle comprised largely my ONS - very sexual, very physical, very intense, very anonymous. I went by a pseudonym and created a pseudo-persona of myself. Conversation with other gay men I met were nothing more that superficial stuff. Nothing personal and nothing about my real self was ever discussed.
Was touched (then again, I could have stopped it but I did not) by a man when I was 14 years old at Katong Pool. He was a 30-plus year old man. That was my first sexual experience with a man. The experience created a deep sense of curiosity in me. The concept of "gay" just did not exist in my mind, and the thought of myself enjoying carnal pleasures with men simply freaked me out, although it seemed so natural. And although it was so pleasurable, I felt guilty. I thought I was abnormal!
Got myself seriously involved with WM when I was in my first year in NUS. He was bisexual. Malaysian. Had a girlfriend back in Ipoh, but in Singapore, he and I were an inseparable item. Our relationship was highly sexual in nature. But I could not accept the gay lifestyle as the way ahead for me due to my upbringing. I also saw no future in being gay in part because I (still at that time) felt it was `abnormal' and that it would be a lonely world out there. I ended up ignoring WM and we eventually separated. I hurt him big time. In my final year of NUS, I was introduced to the whole new gay world through a person I met while doing my science project and that sparked off a greater sense of curiosity and introduced me to the gay community and culture in Singapore.
That chance encounter with that gay man made me realise that there is a whole big community out there who are just like me. A sense of relief no doubt, but that did not take away the sense of shame, guilt and regret whenever I engaged in sex with other men. I felt dirty, I felt confused. The scenes kept repeating in my head. They haunted me. All these despite having had sex with men previously. I felt I had betrayed my parents (and for that matter, my ancestors) in that I will not be able to procreate and carry on the family name if I were to embrace a gay lifestyle. As such, I chose to lead a double life with the hope that I would get married one day. That was the start of my closeted dual life - day time as a straight man and night time as a gay man who seeked out dark places for ONS.
Reflecting, my life as a straight person in the day was nothing but a cover to my gay side. I was a closeted case. At that point in time, my gay lifestyle comprised largely my ONS - very sexual, very physical, very intense, very anonymous. I went by a pseudonym and created a pseudo-persona of myself. Conversation with other gay men I met were nothing more that superficial stuff. Nothing personal and nothing about my real self was ever discussed.
My first crush was on a person I met at the Fort Road beach. That was the first time, my viel of anonymity was lifted and I got myself emotionally involved. I introduced myself to him using my real name, telling him about my family, etc. It was just so so natural. But it was one-sided. Nonetheless, he was also the one who eventually made me accept myself as a gay man. That was my coming out.
1996, age - 30 years old.
That was a traumatic process. In a way, it was a process of being reborn. I had to re-educate myself about what I should see as `normal', rather, I had to broaden my definition of normality where sexuality issues are concerned. I had to realign my thoughts and re-learn everything. In the process, internal conflicts led me to attempt suicide at least twice. When I finally came to terms with my sexuality, I started experimenting with relationships. It was no less traumatic that the coming out process. But I mature and grow along the way. I also found myself getting more and more accepting about gay sex and the various fetishes. This was greatly helped by the explosion of information in the internet.
I came to accept things as they are and learn to be less judgemental. For what is acceptable to me, may not be so to others, and vice versa. So who am I to be the judge? Reflecting, there are several key areas that I felt had influenced my conduct, first as a closeted case, and then as a gay man. They include - my family - especially my parents, then my work, then my friends.
My parents - as I said, I was brought up in a very traditional environment. Strong family values. Strict believes in procreation and that the man is the center of the family and that the man is responsible to carry on the oh-so-important family name (such ancestral baggage!). That there is a gay man in the midst of the family is something that is beyond anyone's thoughts and this comes with strong stigma and embarrassment.
To protect my parents, I had to keep my sexuality from them. I had also avoided giving my contacts to men. I adopted a pseudoname, adopted a pseudo-identity, a pseudo-persona, etc etc etc. All these made me felt really empty and hollow. Internal conflict follows. Big time. My eventual coming out was on the premise that I should not bluff myself anymore and to start living a life - my life. And in doing so, I understand that my parents may be hurt and embarrassed by me. And I have to manage them sensitively.
On the other hand, I really do not want to get married and sometime down the line, cheat on my wife and kids, worst still, with a man. As such, I chose to not tell the whole truth to my parents, for they will move on very soon. Not telling my parents the truth to me, is not lying. It perhaps is my only mechanism to protect them, from other relatives, from friends and from themselves.
My work - I work in an environment where image and identity as well as public confidence is very important. As such, my company is highly homophobic and it is with this fear of being penalised and being asked to resigned that I had to stay underground at work. I loved my company and have been most professional and dedicated in all my undertakings. My coming to terms with myself came after more than 15 years with my company. I eventually fell in love with my current partner 6 years ago and eventually left my company. This was also considering I had decided then, having just came out, felt that I should give myself a chance at a new company where homophobia would probably be less stark. I was to eventually realise that my behaviour of being scared (due to my perception of homophobia) was largely caused by my own mental block. Equipped with this realisation, I decided to rejoin my old company. Today, after being outed by my company and suffering the possible implications, I reflect back and wondered if I had made the right choice in returning to my company.
My friends - I am a person who cannot live without friends. They are important to me. I do not need many, just a couple who is close to me and whom I can be myself when I interact with them. Today, I am happy to say that amongst the many straight close friends whom I made over the years, many of them have come to accept me as gay and have unconditionally accepted me and my partner. Of course there are some others whom I have not come out to, but I chose to take it slow. There is really no urgency for me to come out to every single one of them as yet, but I am sure I will do it at an opportune time. I believe that if the friendship is strong, the issue of sexuality would not be a factor.
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