opportunity knocking?

met up with my previous boss (who left 2 months ago) for lunch today.

and he asked me if i am keen to pursue a senior position in a bank. he thought the role would fit me very nicely. have told him i am open to further discussion and that i would send him my updated résumé soon. 

let's see how things go. am keeping my options open. its interesting how such possibilities open up when you are least expecting it. but then again, it simply reminded me that good track records and good connections do go a long long way when it comes to job-hunting. just like how i landed in my current role...

fingers crossed.

sgd1.69

i closed one of my current account today. i was charged an admin fee of sgd10 for it. after deducting the admin fee, i had sgd1.69 left in it. i asked the lady to transfer it to one of my savings account and she had to fill in quite a few forms to get it done.

really very weird. a whole lot of paperwork just for that sgd1.69. 

haha!

super ticklish mum

am not sure why, but mum has been behaving very very happy and very very ticklish these past few days. its like as though she's on a constant high. she laughed over little things, she joked and she was chatty. very weird. then again, it's perhaps a good idea to just relish in her happy moods now. for all you know, she might just turn cranky all of a sudden...

:-)

feeling poor

made a partial repayment of my housing loan today. thought i'd do it before i do a repricing of my loan. the smaller instalment i need to make monthly would translate to more liquid cash to me (and of course, lower interest). and with this done, my bank account is depleted again. and that means, i now feel poor (again). this, perhaps is how many singaporeans are. asset "rich" but otherwise, everything else are locked in loans. housing loan, car loan, and so some, renovation loan, study loan, etc...

haha...

i feel for you

these past couple of months/ weeks had been very bad for my neighbours up north. first, a plane disappeared and then, another got shot down. for 2 major tragedies to occur within the last few months, i thought it was highly unfortunate and if there is really a superior being up there, he must have been very unfair to them (for the record, i do not prescribe to superior beings). it goes against all logic for it to happen twice to the same airline. a life lost is a life too many. and to have 2 aeroplane load of people disappearing just like that was seriously unimaginable. and it hit me a little worst as i myself am in the airline industry.

the local newspapers and media have been reporting almost non-stop about the most recent disaster. admittedly, i got a little desensitised to them over time. but today, i see many pictures of cabin crews crying openly. i felt sad when i looked at the pictures. it was unnatural. as unnatural as how an aircraft could disappear or downed just like that. cabin crews are supposed to be happy, campy, spontaneous, loud and excitable. that is the "normal" image of cabin crews. that is how my cabin crews and all the cabin crews from other airlines that i had previously interacted with behaved. cabin crews are not supposed to look sad, much less, cry openly.

there is nothing much i can do for them other than to wish them strength during this very difficult time. and during this period where many in the region celebrate eid, it is perhaps also timely to contemplate about life, about relationships, and about appreciating the people around us.

pictures from www.themalaymailonline.com, www.thestar.com.my, www.rappler.com, www.themalaysianinsider.com

diversity & i

thought i'd write a bit about how i see diversity. and i thank john who made a comment in this post. his comment gave me the inspiration to write this post. i will narrowly define "diversity" in terms of culture, race and religion in this post. here's my reflections, read on...

racism vs preference

these days, many people have gotten themselves confused between the concepts of racism vs preference. i extract here the how the word "racism" has been defined in dictionary.com:

as well as how the same site explain the concept "preference":

it is very clear to me (and explained by dictionary.com) the difference between the two concepts.  in the case of "racism", behind an (usually negative) act, there is an underlying belief of superiority over the other person (of a different race). this is distinctly different from the concept of "preference" that simply refers to one person's choice without going into the details of why he prefer one over the other. without trying to explain further, we can also see that these two concepts are not necessarily mutually exclusive. whatever the case, it is very dangerous to assume a person is a racist simply because he/ she shows a certain preference of one particular race over another. 

so, why do we see more and more people confusing between these 2 concepts, i can only second guess the following reasons:

• lack of understanding of the concepts
• wrong use of words
• making of unsubstantiated assumptions about a person's preference

whichever the reasons may be, it is useful to be clear about the meanings of the words we use, understand them, and using the right word at the right time, and more importantly, never to make assumptions. but i have a more interesting question:

can a person be racialistic towards his own race?

what do you think? a simple question, as a kid, i was very close to my mum. and given her usual stories of how she was badly treated by my dad's side, i tend to see them in very negative light,  rough, uncouth and uncultured. instead, i chose to identify myself closer to my mum's peranakan chinese roots and culture. so, technically, i was a chinese but chose to see chinese in very negative light. does that mean i am a racist? of cos, i have my answers now. but it would be interesting to hear any other thoughts about it.

and yes, i thank john for allowing me to clarify the differences between these 2 concepts.

salam aidilfitri 2014

this is an old classic hari raya song. 

but to me, it is one of the most memorable, 

a song that always bring back sweet memories of my childhood days.

and i am posting it here to wish every muslim a very 

happy hari raya aidilfitri 

maaf zahir dan batin

:-)

picture from wecomanagement.wordpress.com

bottoms up

had a good laugh earlier on.

we came home from my brother's place and i decided to open a bottle of red wine. thought it would be a relaxing thing to do, sipping wine and eating ground nuts as we watch the evening tv. i had chilled the wine in the fridge since last night.

i brought out the wine, opened it and poured a glass for mum. once done, i went on to pour a glass of it for the maid and myself. and as i poured, the maid exclaimed, wah! ah ma! i turned my head and saw mum holding an empty glass! she had apparently down the whole content of it at one go! yup, she did a bottoms up!

doing a bottoms up for wine is something i rarely see. and when i told mum about it, she simply said she was thirsty. haha! it had been an hour and she seemed ok still. let's hope she remained this way and doesn't get drunk.

haha!

month of "festivities"?

once again, we will be experiencing one of most interesting lunar month this year. 

the seventh chinese lunar month that starts tomorrow. the seventh month is traditionally commemorated by taoists as the month where the spirits and wandering ghost would roam the earth. so to many taoist, the seventh lunar month is not a good month. those superstitious would stay at home after sunset, and restrict themselves form doing all sorts of things they would normally do for fear of offending those spirits and wandering ghost. but to buddhists like me, i am not superstitious. the seventh month is considered a good month, a month where we pay respects to those who have passed on and to do good deeds as we dedicate merits to them. and this year, for the muslims, they will be celebrating the holy month of eid, what we termed as hari raya puasa in south east asia. added to that, singapore will also be celebrating our national day on 9 august.

so, depending on which angle you see it, there will be some sort of celebrations/ commemoration activities of sorts throughout this coming month. something very singaporean (and malaysian too? considering their national day falls end august)?

lol!

hurt my back again

went to my brother's place and played with my nephew.

as always, i would play "one-two-three" with him. to us, "one-two-three" has always been a game where i would grab his waist, count to two slowly, built his anticipation and at the count of three, throw him into the air and to grab him as he drops down. he always squeal in delight whenever we play this game.

but today, as i grab him, i pulled my back muscle. the kinda of feeling that reminded me of my bad experience of spraining my back. ouch! the pull was slight, but it was a rude shock to me. i decided to stop playing this game. i had not realised he had grown so heavy so fast! or... perhaps, i had grown old so fast. haha! whatever the case may be, stopping the game was perhaps the most sensible thing for me to do. 

i need to rest for the long weekend!

:-)

exhibitionist chat group

a friend included my name into a local chat group that he administers in line recently.

the group is called "sg exhibitionist". it was an interesting chat group that is opened only to members. and i noticed that despite having close to 50 participants, the so called chat was dominated by no more than 5-6 persons. members of the chat group do contribute their own photos (nudes largely) to the chats or post links to porn sites that they frequent.

and looking at the nature of the chats, it struck me that some of the members are more naturalists than exhibitionists. and for that matter, looking at how many chose to remain quiet instead of chatting/ contributing (like me, haha!), perhaps a better name for the group might be "voyeurs"...

:-)

stop blogging?

lately, i suffer from the lack of inspiration to blog. and i have considered stopping blogging altogether.

and i asked myself why. everything seemed so mundane and so uninteresting. and when i reflected, i realised that my motivation to blog has changed somewhat from wanting to simply document my life and experiences, and in the process to learn about myself, to now also include what i think will interest my readers. and thinking of topics that would interest readers can be quite difficult. 

this is not good. need to revert back to my intent of blogging in the first place.

and with this reminder, i start having blog diarrhoea again.

hahaha!

impending end of car life

my car will reach it's ten-year lifespan next jul.

and i have, at least for now, decided that it would not be a practical nor logical thing to get a new car. i certainly do not want to fork out 80-90k just to obtain a certificate to purchase a new car. and this situation will probably continue to be so for the next 6 months or so, given the limited cars to be released into the market by the government to curb local vehicular population. and i also do not think getting a used car would be a good thing too. it will probably cost me some 80-100k too, and not to mentioned the increase likelihood to have to spend monies along the way to repair and maintain a used car.

for now, the only reason i have, if ever, that would ever make me think otherwise would be my mum's mental well-being. apart from using my car for practical reasons such as medical reviews, visits to my bother's place, i use my car daily for meals and to ensure she gets mentally engaged by the sights and sounds of the environment and people. this, i believe, is the key reason why she has sustained thus far. i half-suspect that once the car goes, her mental-health will also go. 

well, let's see how she is in the coming year. 

there is still time to ponder over this. 

consolidation of accounts

i am in the process of consolidating my accounts. 

realised that i am paying unnecessary monies to the banks monthly becos i do not meet their minimum sum or i do not issue cheques. and interestingly, this whole process of consolidation would take time as i have spread out my giro payments of my bills to different accounts over time. 

hmmm...

bad customer service

i am very unhappy with my bank lately. it has very bad customer service. i was unhappy enough to write in yesterday to their customer portal to demand a response, which they did eventually. and despite all the explanations, their reputation, in my eyes, is already tarnished.

what happened was this. i took a housing loan with the bank and had done a repricing with them in sep 2012. the lock-in period for the loan will expire in sep 14. anticipating the increase in interest rate once the lock-in period expires, i decide to contact the bank to do another round of repricing last month. and i did it two months ahead of time as i wanted to give both myself and the bank the time to go through the process slowly, without rushing. but my intent did not turn out as expected.

the lady customer service staff took almost 2 weeks to call me and told me i needed to submit a list of documents before they would consider my re-application. she told me they needed to confirm my creditworthiness. i thought this was weird, considering i had been using their services for more than 3 decades and am an existing housing loan client. nonetheless, i submitted what i needed and she emailed me back telling me the bank would require time to consider my application and that she would get back to me within another 14 days to approve my application. a few days later, i got a missed call from her. i called back but there was no response. i decided to write in to her and got an auto generated response that she had resigned. i did what i needed to do, i called the call centre and was advised that my "case" had been given to another service staff and that he would call me back shortly.

that was more than 3 weeks ago. clearly the 14-day response time had lapsed and it had been more than a month and a half since i initiated the process.

yesterday, i wrote a mail to the contact centre expressing my displeasure and how their lack of response was highly unacceptable. the guy that had taken over my case called me back late-afternoon with all sorts of cock-and-bull story about how he had so many cases to handle. i simply thanked him for calling back and asked for details about the repricing rates and the way ahead. frankly, i don't care about all your sob stories about back-logged cases, people resigning etc. these are your internal issues to resolve. you have stated a service standard of 14-days and you have failed to deliver. period.

i have given enough considerations to time to allow your back-end processes and to prevent my having to pay additional interest arising from the change in interest rates. and i will not pay the additional interest rates if my repricing application did not get approved due to your failure to response.

hmmph!

medical review

went for my medical review at the hospital's otolaryngology department yesterday.

no major issues apart from infrequent occurrences of back flow, runny nose and cough. updated the doctor that i had stopped the nasal spray as previously advised - that i should stop if i felt things got overly dry, but this new doctor advised otherwise. do not stop it, you should continue using it. hmmm... not the first time already. seemed like different doctors do, occasionally give different advice. guess i have to start the overall process of administering the nasal spray twice a day again.

let's hope i don't get a different input when i visit the clinic again in 2 months time.

lol!

busy week

been a busy week.

but not busy with my work. had been busy doing things that, i thought, my other colleague should be doing. but i did it becos i cannot allow this new project to fail as it was the final week of actions before the new system/ portal is launch this coming week. 

then again, i told myself - department above self. just get it off. 

a smooth start is necessary. 

accountability, lack of it

accountability is something that is seriously lacking at my workplace.

sighs...

inconsiderate elderly persons

there has been lots of publicity about how we, as a society, be more gracious and should show considerations to persons who need help. many quipped about incidents where public do not give up their seats to the elderly, the frail, the expectant mums-to-be in public transport. i think these remarks are valid and warrants lots of reflections and possibly drive the conversation amongst singaporeans about how we can be more gracious as a whole. but yesterday, while on a relatively crowded bus, i saw this elderly gentleman placing his bags on the seat and in doing so, denied many others a seat. the elderly gentleman, for that matter, was sitting in the middle of 2 seats. 

and looking at his behaviour, it kinda suggest that he knew it was not right but chose to continue with this inconsiderate act. kinda regretful cos in doing so, he had set a bad example and allowed people to cite him as an example to justify their refusal to give up seats to elderly people. yup, there are full of such people around. while we focused on how to educate people about showing considerations to the elderly, the frail, etc, these people need to also know how not to take such courtesies for granted and to also reciprocate with similar behaviour.

you think?

unruly driver

i was driving home from town last evening and was driving on the inner most lane of the expressway. i reckoned my speed was about 70km/hr and i was casually chatting with mum as i drove. as usual, i kept a safe distance from the car in front. i was near the bayshore exit when a black bmw 7-series zoomed pass from my right and cut into my path. i had to jam brake to avoid hitting the car. naturally, to warn the driver about the danger he had created, i flickered a high beam at the car. and guessed what... the driver wind down the window and gave me a centre finger.

cannot understand these people. disappointing to see such behaviours. i am increasingly experiencing people driving big expensive cars behaving in such unruly manners. i do not want to generalise, but it seemed that the richer we get, the more unruly we get. and i hope this is not a sign of how we as a society is evolving - that we begin to loose our basic virtues of courtesy, respect and good conduct with increasing material wealth...

hmmm...

risky motorbiker

almost met with an accident last evening. and it involved a motorbiker.

was driving along the expressway towards city. i was in the middle lane and there was a car filtering out of the expressway on my left. i was taken aback by the sudden screaming of a motorbike horn on my left. i turned my head to see a motorbike between my car and the filtering car. it occurred to me that the motorbike was attempting to squeeze between our two cars and momentarily felt uneasy becos of the proximity of our two cars. i navigated my car more to my right to create space for the biker and he increased his speed and zoomed to the front of my car. what a close shave, for him that is. i cannot imagine how the whole situation would turned out to be if he was not steady enough and ended up side-swiping one of the cars.

whew...

and it rained bodies...

2014 will go down as the year where things drop from the sky non-stop... 

and just as we are all still reeling from the third air crash within a week, another air craft crash gets reported in the news. this time round, a military helicopter... 

haiz.

blue blouse

spotted 3 ladies in their late 50s shopping at a local departmental store last evening. lady "a" and "b" were dressed in floral prints and lady "c" in blue blouse with a white shawl draped over her front. suddenly, lady "c" exclaimed as she held up a blue blouse.

"eeeeeekksss! you will never see me in this! i totally cannot take this colour!!! blue doesn't suit me!"

and almost immediately, and in unison, lady "a" and lady "b" exclaimed, just a loud:

"harrrr... what are you talking about! you are wearing blue now!!!!"

and sheepishly, lady "c" said:

"what i meant was... this shade of blue doesn't suit me la..."

kinda funny. then again, talking about blue blouses, nothing can beat the world famous blue blouse from america. the stained one... 

lol!

unfortunate names

it is always interesting to live amongst people from different cultures and ethnic groups, and where different languages are used. and in singapore (and malaysia), where chinese of different dialect/ ethnic origins live together, it is not uncommon to come across names that sound totally wrong when understood from the perspective of another dialect/ language. and to add further challenges to this, it is also very common to have chinese people adopting english names. so when their english names are placed in front of their anglicised chinese surname (last name), things start to sound wrong...

here're some examples:

• i was once posted to a new unit and on my first day of reporting, a female colleague (who's peranakan and didn't understand a word of cantonese) introduced me to another new female colleague (who's cantonese). she came up to me and, in a very sporting and enthusiastic manner, said: "hi jeffrey! this is kum lan". as she introduced, the cantonese colleague seemed a little shy. she simply smiled and looked down. as for me, i almost laughed out loud but managed to control myself. apparently my peranakan colleague did not understand cantonese nor hokkien (my dialect group). and becos she's peranakan, her pronunciation of the cantonese name kum lan came out totally wrong. in cantonese, her name could be translated to "golden orchid", but when my peranakan colleague pronounced, it sounded more like how we hokkiens pronounce the words for "sucking cock" (aka blow job). lol!

• in another instance, another colleague came up to me and introduced himself as karl chng. but given that his tongue was a little short, he couldn't really pronounce the "l" in "karl", and what came out sounded like "kar-chng" or "backside" in hokkien!

• esther see (ecstasy)

• annie how ('nuf said)

• annie ting ('nuf said too)

and many more examples... 

how unfortunate right?

lol!

dondang sayang

the dondang sayang is something that is very dear to mum. whenever i play it on the iphone for her, she will hold onto the iphone and hums along with it. this song reminds her of her past and has been (and will forever be) her most favourite song.

whenever i play it, she would tell me about how my 3rd uncle was acknowledged as the best singer amongst all her siblings, and how he would be asked to sing this song during their teenage years. she would also share stories of her past such as how the dondang sayang would be sung whenever there was a peranakan wedding, or for that matter, any celebrations in the kampong; or how her mother (my grandmother) hired a group of musicians for her wedding when she married her dad. apparently, my grandmother came from a very well-to-do family whereas my granddad was a poor clerk... heh.

it is always interesting to hear all her stories.

:-)

funny mum

mum behaved in a very interesting manner yesterday. her behaviour tickled the maid and me so much that it kept us giggling for a long while. you see, for some reasons, when i came home from work, she  commented that sapphie had the habit of following me wherever i go.

and so, with this observation, she kept calling out to sapphie whenever she followed me. naturally, sapphie would respond to her for a few steps, before reverting to following me again. and when that happened, mum would repeat calling out to her again. and this whole repetitive process was funny becos of the way mum called out to the dog. she was half-singing and half-shouting. haha... i couldn't really describe it but it was just very funny. and it was made funnier when sapphie gave that happy-smily doggie face like as though she was also playing along with mum. and i tell you, it was the kinda face that only dog owners would understand. 

haha! it had been a long while since mum was so relaxed. then again, it got me a little curious why she was so. and till today, i do not know the answer. 

:-)

picture from www.snappypixels.com

transformers 4: age of extinction

went to watch transformers 4: age of extinction last night. 

didn't like the show. it was too long and draggy. it had a very weak storyline and there were scenes after scenes of senseless destruction and fights. it's like as though the producers were trying to use the cgi effects to make good the very weak storyline. i also didn't like how they tried so hard to make the transformers look like man, complete with beard, cigars, samurai, etc. (of cos, i do acknowledged that this was not invented by the producers per se but it just irked me). and to make it worst, there were so many product placements. at one stage during the show, i was almost convinced i was watching a milk-drink advertisement!

then again, it might just be me. i was not in a good mood. almost ended up not watching the show despite bee booking the tickets online in the morning. you see, before the show, i went to pick him up as usual. i arrived as per the usual time, but he did not appear. and he was uncontactable, no responses to my smses, no answers to my more than 20 missed calls, waited in the car for him for about 20min. decided to make my way to his house and pressed umpteen times on his door bell. no one opened the door. i ended up waiting for his return call at the void deck for the next 20min until i decided to simply head home... he called me when i was halfway home. he was asleep. wtf! not the first time already. felt damn shitty.

stupid show lasted more than 2.5 hours at about 2.15am and i was totally anxious to get home cos mum would be up and i was sure she would go bonkers again. and as expected, she did but thankfully, her memory got wiped out by mid-morning and she reverted back to her usual self after that.

revisiting my résumé

i am revisiting my résumé again.

and i realised that it is easy, yet not as easy as i thought it would be. haha... sounds contradicting right? well, frankly, this is not the first time i am doing it. but the reasons why i am finding it difficult to do is becos i am revisiting what my career objectives are again and reframing how i want to project myself in my career summary. and i took almost an hour just to do it! for someone to be able to rattle non-stop once the mind is clear, this timing is too long! lol!

for the former, i took a look at what my existing résumé had and i kinda thought it was a tat too generic, to the point of "i might as well don't say anything". lol! i supposed it sounded alright when i first crafted it years ago when i had just left the military. admittedly, i didn't really have much clarity of what i wanted to do back then and i had not had any corporate experience to talk about and had to make do with military experiences, which most companies couldn't really give a hoot to. but this time round, it is different. i am, to a comfortable extent, rather clear about what i want and how i want to develop myself. and with this clarity, i decided to rewrite it. but i had the tension of trying to articulate something that allows me to put a balance between my immediate and longer term objectives. heh heh... but i had to also remind myself about the realities of things - i am gonna be 48 this year. 

as for my career summary, it was just as challenging. there was just so much experiences and achievements that i can list now. so, how do i put it across in as focused a manner as possible without going into too many details. and also, how do i put in the right experiences so as to iterate my competencies and attributes without sounding like i was bragging. haha... well, it was a good problem i supposed. what helped was the fact that since i have narrowed my career objectives, i decided that i should just list those areas that help sell myself along the trajectory of stated my career objectives. 

as i said, it took me a long while do it. i decided to simply email the end-product to a friend for her comments. after all, a third party's views will be the most neutral and useful. this is a good warm-up for me. what matter most is that once i see/ a headhunter provides something i am keen on, i will have to go through the whole rigour of reading the required attributes and competencies of the opportunity and adjust my whole résumé accordingly.

haha... 

tensions building-up

the tensions in the office is clearly building up following the resignation of my chief. 

the person who is taking over is not showing signs of interest and not pulling his weight. and there are many in the whole company making comments like look at him, been around for so long but no achievement at all, the one who should stay is leaving, etc... all these are not doing good as far as the department is concerned.

the department will definitely break apart if things continue this way. whatever the case, things will take its course and people will know how to look after themselves. such changes are perhaps to be expected when people move and dynamics change. 

ultimately, people join a company for many reasons related to say pay packages, but one thing is clear to me as to why people leave - it is mostly becos of people-related reasons. 

and this holds true for me.

storing meat

ok, this is gonna be totally random and i am not sure how to tag this. but well, this is something i thought interesting and useful to share. it's an environmentally-friendly tip about how to store meat.

when you wanna store minced meat, do consider placing them in a plastic bag. you can use the bag provided by the butcher.

what you can do is to flatten the plastic bag until the minced meat is no more than about 1cm thick. then, roll the bag like you would a swissroll before you store them in the freezer. when you want to cook the meat, simply remove from freezer, unroll the plastic and leave to thaw.

this way, with the 1cm thickness, the meat will defroze within minutes once you remove from the freezer. easy peesy, there is no need to use microwave and no need to wait forever... and of cos, there are practical advantages of doing this too. by the rolling of the meat, it also allows you to pack your meat into the freezer neatly and thus allowing you to put more things into it. this allows you to maximise the use of the freezer space.

nett nett, save space, save energy, save time!

making ketupats

i had made no less than 70 paper ketupats over the weekend. will be bringing them to the office to decorate the place for hari raya! so looking forward to it!

hurray!

nightful of dreams

i slept well last night, but it was full of dreams. 

i remembered 3 of them.

in one of them, i was at the beach. i was walking amongst the stilts of a structure and i was apparently looking for used condoms.... (haha... this dream probably came about cos before i slept, i noted someone read my blog post about used condoms)!

another dream, i was in a ballroom (or something like that), i couldn't recall the full dream, but it ended something along the line of a group of guys in tuxedos. they were standing side-by-side in a line and their arms were criss-crossed. and there were 3 guys, the one in the centre was very attractive and as they danced, he got groped by 2 other guys. then again, somehow, no one knew which 2 guys groped the centre guy. hmmm...

and in the last dream, i was again at the beach. i was with bee (i think), and there was another gay couple. we were having some sort of a competition. it involved throwing a sandball (the sand version of a snowball) onto the sandy beach and we must recover the sandball once it lands onto the sandy beach (yup, sounds weird enough, but that's what dreams are right?). so, one of the guys from the other couple threw his sandball and it flew onto the sandy beach. as he threw, we somehow found ourselves standing on a cliff. the sandy beach had morphed into a terrace which rose some 20-30 meters about the sea where waves were pounding. now, this terrace was some 20-30 meters below us (which meant we were some 60meters about sea-level). at this elevated height, the guy couldn't retrieve the ball and stared at the ball helplessly. as he stared, the sand ball started to disappear becos the waves somehow managed to rise up to the terrace. and i decided to help him. i jumped off where i was standing. and as i did, that guy did too. and we both landed onto the terrace which gave way when we landed. we both fell helplessly into the sea. we found ourselves in the water and staring up a vertical cliff that stretched endlessly upwards...

and i woke up.

weird dreams...

confused mum part 2

this morning, the maid told me that mum attempted to charge her nokia phone but was unsuccessful cos she apparently tried to plug her oxygen machine nosepiece into the phone. needless to say, she couldn't do it.

hmmm...

me malay?

it was interesting. i was on leave yesterday and headed to geylang serai to buy some hari raya decor for my office. and guess what? everywhere i walked, people spoke to me in malay. even the chinese store keepers!

encik, mahu beli apa? ini tiga lima ringgit... mahu apa warna? saya boleh ambilkan... kalau encik mahu, encik boleh campur warna pun...

wahlau! do i look malay? ok, ok, i do look a little tanned. but i was sure i looked chinese. and on top of that, i wore skinny jeans and long sleeve, cropped a rather trendy haircut and wore a ear-stud. certainly, a "typical" malay uncle wouldn't dress like that right? then again, since auntie spoke to me in malay, i played along. i replied her in malay too!

lol!

and for the record, this post is not written with any intention to degrade malays. nope. i have totally full respect for malays. they are one of the most gentle people and a really beautiful and rich culture. i just find it very amusing that people mistaken me for one, despite looking every bit a chinese.

you need your you time

here's a constant liner in the many conversations i have had with people i know, latest being with my chief a few days ago.

you need to be fair to yourself and give yourself some you time. you cannot look after your mum if you don't give yourself you time. you cannot sustain. 

i don't disagree. 

but i also don't agree totally cos they do not know how i find my balance. 

in the first place, most people assume that i do not have my me time. that is not true. i get my me time through the few minutes of "rest" daily when i head out for a quick walk after she goes to bed.  i get my me time when i walk to work, when i have my breakfast, etc. importantly, i try as much as i can to live my life mindfully. and that, is my me time. secondly, when i tell people i do not go out with friends cos when i do so, she will become suspicious, most people assume that when i spend my time with her, i end up getting totally stressed out cos it is often against my wishes. that is also not necessarily valid. let me discussed in the context of intentionality. while i do admit that at times, i feel stressed by her freaking out when i leave her, i do sometimes do it in order to keep my own sanity. not sure if i sound logical here, but put in another way, i spend time with her so that i can preserve my own peace cos i know that i will get my peace with she is ok. and between this and time with friends, i'd place a higher priority on my own peace.

ok, i do not know if what i have written make sense. but well, bottom-line is - i am at peace with myself. and i have learned to balance and reconcile what i do with what i want. and learned how to get what i want when i want to get it. hmmm, i am going round again... better stop.

but yes, i do really appreciate their concern.

lol!

confusing conversation

these days, conversation with mum can be a very confusing. and thankfully, i have had quite a good many months of interactions with her to know that she meant something else when she said something illogical and simply kiv what she said until some sense appeared. take this morning for example...

as in all weekend mornings, i would sit by her side to watch the tv before we head out for breakfast. we were engaged in some mundane conversation about cream and moisturiser when she asked where the maid was. she had been missing all these while, mum said. erm, no, she's mopping the floor, i explained. and all of a sudden, she said she had lost her tube of cream, the cream that she had all along used to apply onto her nostril to manage her breathlessness. she added that she had all along hidden it inside her pillow case but was not able to find it this morning. i was kinda confused by what she said and asked for more details. she couldn't give me details other than insisting her tube of cream that she always hid in her pillow case was missing. finally, when the conversation was leading to no where, i simply told her there was no such cream as far as i knew and if need be, i would bring her to the pharmacy to look. she sounded a little pissed with my reply and simply said forget it. i knew she was not happy and asked further and again, she insisted she lost her tube of cream. and given that she mentioned her loss after she spoke about the maid, i could only guess she was half-suspecting it was the maid who stole it. but i didn't pursue further.

by this time, the maid, who had been mopping the bedroom floor appeared and told me that mum had asked her about her tube of cream too. and the maid sounded a little exasperated cos mum kept asking her for it. i knew that thing would go awry if i did not manage it well. i told the maid to leave mum alone for a while and thought for a while. hmmm... something that she kept in her pillow case. then i asked her - where is your handphone? mum, surprised by the sudden question, looked into her handbag. she couldn't find her handphone. i don't know where it is... she said. everything became clear to me then... i went into her bedroom, took her pillow and reach into the pillow case. her handphone was inside. i took it out and gave it to her. and i told her she must have confused the handphone for a tube of cream. she looked at it, and simply said... ya ya... and laughed it off.

as to why she spoke about a tube of cream for her breathlessness, here's my conclusion... (1) we were talking about creams and moisturiser at the point in time, (2) and thus, in an attempt to talk about her handphone, she had confused her handphone with a tube of cream, and (3) she sleeps with her oxygen tubing in her nostril to manage her breathlessness and when she sleeps, it was her habit to keep her handphone in the pillow case, and in wanting to talk about her handphone, everything associated with her sleeping habit got all mixed up. and so, it became a tube a cream that she used to manage her breathlessness, and that she always hide it inside her pillow... hmmm... challenging right? just need to get used to it and laugh it off. it has happened once too many times. and just today alone, such confusion appeared no less that 3-4 times. if i had not known her state of mind, i would have gone crazy and lost my patience. 

lol!

interest group talking point

well, i was at the market over this morning and bought a folding clothes dryer rack. and instead of the usual cheap version that most people buy, i decided to get the more expensive aluminium light weight version. i left the shop carrying the rack. 

and as i walked by the hawker center, i noticed a table, where about 5-6 maids were having their breakfast, staring at me. and the interesting thing about this was that the whole hawker centre was crowded and there were lots of people eating their breakfast. but for some reasons, only that table of maids stared out at me. not the others. i could imagine them talking about the rack and how it would help them dry their wet laundry! haha...

well, i supposed the rack i had in my hands was something that they could all identify with and chat about. and perhaps they were awed by the sturdiness of the aluminium frame of the rack, etc. heh heh... and in a way, it was no different from people of a particular interest group gathering to chat about something close to their heart, such as airplane enthusiasts talking about airplanes when they see one fly pass them. i simply walked on... 

lol!

bad customership

was at the samsung service center to purchase the remote control for my tv and observed some very rude customers.

one of them was there to seek help for his tablet. his main complain was that he cannot hear the caller when someone calls in. once the issue was solved, he highlighted another issue. well, there's nothing wrong with all these but it was how he did it. he was rude and literally talked down onto the service staff. and the new issue that was highlighted was, in my opinion, not necessarily the tablet problem.

he went something like, loudly and rudely - my skype cannot use! how come like that!?!? how come like that?!?!

i thought the service staff handled the customer well. he did not show any negative emotions but smile and simply asked the man to activate the app (skype), and then he took the tablet and went to the back room to do some tests with it. when i left the place, the service staff was still trying to diagnose the issue. i don't envy the service staff. these days, they not only have to solve technical issues, but will also need to know common apps that people use in order to resolve issues.

i strongly think that, to get good service, the customer must also play his part and behave respectfully.

sighs.

dawn of the planet of the apes

brought mum out to watch the dawn of the planet of the apes last evening. and before that treated her to italian pasta. she enjoyed the evening thoroughly.

spoiler alert ahead...

as for the show, i must say the effects were really good and the storyline was... well, let's put it this way, i kept thinking about george orwell's animal farm as i watched the show. well, of cos i was referring to the parallels in both shows where animals became no different from man in the end. i do want to add that i was a tat disappointed with the scene where caesar eventually decided to kill koba. i really hoped for that moment that he wouldn't do it. what difference would he from koba now that he had killed him right? it would be great if the scene were unfold such that koba made an attempt at caesar's life after caesar pulled him up, only to miss a step and fall to his death. no? then again, what was nice about the show was the many tender moments and little nuances that was acted out amongst the apes that reflected how similar they are to human. a very entertaining show indeed.

but yeah, we all enjoyed the show.

:-)

my "favorite" list

if what a person has in his favorite list (in the laptop, smartphone, etc) is a reflection of the person's focus/ preoccupations at that point in life, then i would describe myself as a realist and a perhaps even a voyeur! and for that matter, a very organized one! lol!

and i say cos i have, in my list, i can see 3 groups of links, namely, (1) links i use frequently for work such as my company email login and intranet, (2) my personal life journaling and admin - blogger, google, bank log in pages and (3) links that provide me with the latest info, news, local weather, and/ or happenings in the local gay scene.

and i have observed that the urls in the first two group hardly change as compared to the urls in the last group. that, perhaps, reflects the ever changing interests as the scenes and chat topics evolve. haha...

so what do you have in your favorite list?

:-)

resigning well

my chief's resignation had been accepted and will be announced today. looking at how she had managed the process, i thought she had done well and given me lotsa food for thought and things to learn. she had shown utmost eq in how she managed it and in doing so, strengthened her image and credibility in front of many. and it reinforced my belief that the resignation process is just as important and must be seen as an opportunity to build one's credibility in the industry.

firstly, there was a lot of sensitivity in managing the process and breaking the news. she knew her departure would create a lot of internal tensions and she staged it such that she informed key individuals within the department first. and she did this so as not to create surprises and more importantly, to prepare every one mentally before the news comes out. she started this whole process ever since she firmed up her thoughts about moving on.

secondly, she managed the board and inform key board members about her decision and stood firm on her thoughts. the early preparations and process of obtaining the blessings of the board members reflected the respect she had for the board members and it was very well appreciated by them. in the process, she gained the respects of all board members. many were surprised that they were not consulted by the new boss and tried to keep her but she declined the suggestions graciously, and without burning any bridges. as of yesterday, 2 board members have asked her if she would be keen to join their companies.

thirdly, she prepared the department well before the new boss break the news company-wide. she didn't want the department to hear it from third parties and wanted to make the announcement to us herself. she held a closed door meeting last evening. a few of my colleagues broke down and cried on the spot. it reflected the affections they have for her and the chemistry they have with her. her leadership and personal touch touched many.

lastly, she assured the department that the head chopping process for the department stops with her and that she had put in every possible effort to impress upon management (read - the new boss) that there should be no more heads to go. in doing so, she managed the morale of the department and stopped speculations from my colleagues as to who will be asked to leave next.

reflecting, i thought she managed the whole process very well. and despite her personal views and differences with the new boss, she has kept these views to herself and a very small but close group of individuals. instead, she has put across her decision and the whole process very neutral and objective and she's been very professional about it. 

with all these done, she shared with me one-on-one that she's very at peace with her decision and that she appreciates the fact that despite being asked to go, there are people up there who appreciates her and offered her opportunities. and most importantly, she knew she had forge a closely knit and effective team within the short 10 months with the company.

we will all miss her.

no energy

i went back to work yesterday.

but really, i didn't feel the energy to want to work. there was no inertia to kick start the engine. and frankly, both yesterday and today, i got so tired and sleepy by early afternoon that i had a hard time staying awake. i supposed i am feeling tired and burned out, and at the same time affected by the impending resignation of my chief.

darned! 

mum falling sick again?

mum's health has been kinda swinging to-and-fro lately.

it was first respi issues but it kinda improved after i gave her prenisolone, then her mental health went haywire, her paranoia started again and she had dreams about my grandpa and she ended up getting suspicious and delusional. but it got better after i adjusted her meds and just when i thought she was ok, she started coughing. and i started her on a round of cough syrup. the cough cleared and now her body aches has started to set in. sighs... just started her on tramadol today.

let's hope she stabilises soon. not sure if the pattern of falling sick during the mid-year period is starting again. but optimistically, she has had a good 4-5 months of relatively good health and that, by itself, was a very good record for her considering how she got hospitalised every other week just less than a year ago.

we'll see how things go.

one more resignation...

well, my chief has confirmed her resignation and it will be within days before her resignation would be announced. she had mentioned it to only me and another head of department and we were both asked to keep mum about it. and while all these undercurrents were going on, one other of my colleague threw her letter today.

it frankly did not come as a surprise for me. but still, it was not a very good feeling to have to acknowledge the finality of her resignation. anyway, it looks like there'll be another round of changes coming up. 

it is very draining. that i supposed it is something we all have to get used to.

sighs...

how come you are back?

it was interesting for me yesterday when i returned to work.

the news that i had undergone a day procedure somehow morphed to something like i had undergone a day surgery. and a lot of my colleagues from the other departments were kinda surprised to see me back at work. you should be at home, why are you back at work? you should not be here... these words kept coming. and i supposed it was to be expected cos there was another colleague who went for a minor day op to remove a ganglion and was given 2 weeks home rest. and for my case, somehow, everyone felt it was an even more serious op but couldn't understand why i was given "so few" days rest at home.

felt it was kinda funny but i just smiled and took it like as though nothing major had happened. then again, it was quite an effort to have to repeat my story about the procedure and to keep whipping out my iphone to show them the stone fragments.

lol!

can i borrow...

i cannot blame this on the world cup but...

it happened every world cup for the last (i donno how many) world cups. and every time it comes around, i will have people trying to borrow money from me. and no, it is not becos i am rich but rather, people know i will help if i could. no questions asked. i am not sure if it is due to gambling but looking at how it always coincided with the world cup periods, i can't help but draw the connections. almost 2 decades ago in the mid-90s, it was a colleague who borrow 1.2k, and then again the world cup next, and then again, and again... each time, the amount varies, but all the time, consistently, the money went out and the person either disappeared or pleaded for longer time to return... and a few times, they never did. and this time round, it is happening again.

i received a message in the facebook messenger from an ex-colleague asking me to lend him, hear this, 30k! yes, 30,000 dollars! and in the very very long message, he elaborated a long list of sob stories about his mother etc. i suspected it was due to gambling but i didn't ask. he had borrowed some cash twice before. first time he paid up. but the second time, he didn't and i didn't pursue. so, this time round, i checked with another ex-colleague and his immediate response was - oh, must be gambling again. now, from this response, i could only guess it was not the first time he had gambled and that he had a certain negative reputation amongst people. 

but i must say - his request did put me in a somewhat difficult spot. i know i shouldn't lend him any cash and i don't intend to. i know i would be feeding his bad habits if i did so. then again, i didn't know how to respond to him. what if he pushes and asks for a smaller amount? i know i will not be able to manage this. and i have thus have chosen abstained from replying. and in not replying, i felt bad about it. haha, i am always giving myself such stress. and as i said at the start of this post - i cannot blame this on the world cup. i can only blame this on greed. the greed of each individual. it hurts the individual, and worst still, the people around him. and in this case, i am part of the collateral damage. darned!

this time round, i must once again convince myself that this is the right thing to do. and as always, doing the right things are always very difficult. but i have to do it!

heels dug in!

national stadium

the new singapore national stadium

brought mum to the sports hub 2 days back after my procedure. decided to go to a less crowded place. and i was awed by the sheer size of new stadium. but i must say, there was not much emotional connection per se. after all, it was a new place. there is nothing to connect me to it compared to the old stadium. the old national stadium brought back memories, sports and non-sports-related ones. 

that was the place where i grew up with, the place where i took part in my school's athletics and track and field practices and competitions. that was the place where i broke my wrist. it was during a long jump practise in 1980. that was  a very long time back. and that was the place where we had many runs. i remembered a particular run that ended in the stadium. i think it was the army half marathon back in the mid-late-90s. i was dead tired after 18km and pushed on with ankles that hurt like crazy. and when i entered the stadium, all feelings of tiredness disappeared. it felt really good to enter a place so huge and so majestic. that was a long long time back.

the old national stadium was also the place where many national day parades were held. and in 1991, i was involved as the flash-card contingent deputy co-ordinator. that was a very significant year. that was the year after goh chok tong became the prime minister and that was the year where we had quite a few hostile posturing by malaysia. it was a very politically-tense year. every picture that was designed was so carefully selected. i remembered a particular picture that the 5000-strong contingent had to piece together. we had rehearsed day and night for it. and during a vetting by a senior government official, it was decided that picture number 2 might be misinterpreted and just 2 weeks before the national day itself, the picture was changed! we toiled like crazy for it. all these amidst all the live munitions that was moved from our camp to the a location near the stadium in case we need to respond to military hostilities. and despite the open mobilisation on the eve of the parade, the parade turned out well. we all heaved a huge sigh of relief.

and most interestingly, the old stadium was a very dear place to many gay men in the 90s, me included. there were many spots, both inside and around the surrounding car parks, where gay men hung out. it was meat market on certain nights of the week. i came out in 1996 and the stadium was one of the few places where i hung out rather often incognito initially, and later as myself. too much memories about those days. some of the most sought after spots include the gym, the toilet/ shower facilities near the gym, the car park outside the gym, the quiet dark walkway circling the stadium, and so on. that was where i met amos, where i came out to derek, where many anonymous ons occurred.

hmmm... too much memories. my growing up years, both as a person and as a gay person. i still miss the grand old dame. well, those were a couple of fond memories i had of the grand old dame. i will have to start this new journey with the new lady. until then, it will just be what the name says - (just) a national stadium.

:-)

harvesting diamonds!

i had been briefed that after the eswl procedure, i would pass out the stone fragments shortly, within a day or two. but the immediate passing of blood after the procedure really made me rather scared to look at my own urine. and apart from the gradual lightening of my urine, i did not really notice any stone fragments being ejected. but i believe it started last night cos it felt a little gritty when i peed. and this morning, it felt the same and i decided to do what was most logical to me - i inserted my hand into the toilet bowl to feel the base. and yes, it felt sandy and my conclusion was that the stone fragments had started coming out of my bladder.

and the next time i felt the urge to pee, i decided to use a sift to sift my urine. and guess what? once i peed, a piece of stone fragment came out! and as i continued, a few other small ones came out too. i felt so relieved by it. the experience reminded me of what i went through 2 years ago and it felt good. and thought i'd take a photo of the fragments. shortly after that, i felt the urge to pee again! and this time round, a few other relatively large fragments came out too! wow! what a harvest! 

well, i know it sounded kinda weird and gross, but i had a good morning collecting all these stone fragments. the largest measured about 3mm, probably accounting for half the stone. and for the rest of the day, i continued drowning myself with lots of water. but there was no further stone fragments ejected. i supposed all of it had come out.

:-)

managing my day

it was an interesting but tiring day for me.

i went through the eswl procedure today and mum didn't know about it. i didn't want her to worry or worst still, go all mentally haywire. and so, i left the house early in my work attire and brought along a change of clothes. drove my car to the basement, did a superman (change in my car), kept my work stuff in the car before heading off to the hospital.

thankfully, the procedure ended by about 10-ish and i could answer her routine call during lunchtime. bee came to pick me up after the whole procedure and we headed to lunch before i came home and hit the bed. it was close to 2.30pm and my body was totally incapable of anything. had another round of diarrhoea and i was just too drained after that. took a quick nap and woke up by 3pm. felt much better and quickly left home again. didn't want to have mum coming home to find me in bed.

had a good afternoon coffee before heading home at 4.30pm. told mum i had a meeting that ended early and so i decided to head home instead of back to the office. she seemed ok and didn't suspect anything. and she seemed pretty happy when i brought her out for dinner and a round of shopping before returning about 9.30pm. thankfully my body held up.

am feeling tired and a little feverish now. been a long and tiring day.

good night!

post-procedure, the shock

the eswl procedure went as planned. i had wanted to experience it and i did. in life, it is always good to experience things at least once. that thought kept me going. and certainly, it is not something i would want to go through again if i have a choice. for what came next was something i didn't expect. 

the eswl procedure

i went through the extracorporeal shock wave lithotripsy (eswl) aka shock wave procedure today. and it was a really painful experience. well, to put in perspective, it was not as painful as the pain i felt about 2 weeks ago. but it real bad enough. here's the story.

fasting starts

no, i am not talking about the muslim fasting month of ramadan. it's the fasting i need to do from midnight onwards before my procedure tomorrow morning. no food, no drinks, no nothing! well, the nurse did tell me i could take small sips of water if i really feel thirsty.

anyway, i am going to bed soon. let's hope for the best tomorrow.

:-)

why you come to work?

everyone in the office was kinda funny. all of them thought my procedure was today! and so, almost every other person i met today asked: why did you come to work today? and that includes my chief!

lol!

fasting month

the fasting month of ramadan has started. 

and as per my usual practice,
i bought a packet of dates for all the muslim staff in my company. 

thought it is a nice and respectful gesture before they start their fast.
and on top of that, i have also send out
well-wishes of health and happy fasting to all my muslim friends.

selamat berpuasa 
kepada semua muslimin dan muslimah!

:-)

stabilised mum?

well, mum seemed a lot more stabilised today.

i wondered if it was due to the adjustments in the medications i did last evening. but to play safe, i continued to administer the extra half a tab of quetiapine to her this evening. if all goes well, she should be ok tomorrow when i head off for my procedure.

:-)