把悲伤留给自己

this song has been used as the theme song for a tv serial currently. and i must say this is one of those few songs that i enjoyed tremendously sometime back. the title is loosely translated to "let me shoulder all the pains". listening to it again, it kinda give me that warm feeling in my heart. a very emo song i must say. but i guessed it's precisely becos it is so emo that i enjoyed it so much.

:-)

把悲傷留給自己

詞曲 陳昇

能不能讓我　陪著妳走　即然妳說　留不住妳
回去的路　有些黑暗　擔心讓妳　一個人走
我想是因為　我不夠溫柔　不能分擔　妳的憂愁
如果這樣　說不出口　就把遺憾　放在心中

把我的悲傷　留給自己　妳的美麗　讓妳帶走
從此以後　我再沒有　快樂起來的理由
把我的悲傷　留給自己　妳的美麗　讓妳帶走
我想我可以忍住悲傷　可不可以　妳也會想起我

是不是可以　牽妳的手呢　從來沒有　這樣要求
怕妳難過　轉身就走　那就這樣吧　我會了解

把我的悲傷　留給自己　妳的美麗　讓妳帶走
從此以後　我再沒有　快樂起來的理由
我想我可以忍住悲傷　假裝生命中沒有妳
從此以後　我在這裡　日夜等待　妳的消息

能不能讓我　陪著妳走　即然妳說　留不住妳
無論妳在　天涯海角　是不是妳　偶爾會想起我
可不可以　妳也會想起我　可不可以　可不可以

my translation as follows...

will you allow me to accompany you as you leave 
since i cannot convince you to stay
the road home is a little dark
and i am worried to let you walk alone

i guess it is becos i am not sufficiently loving 
to be able to appreciate and share your woes with you
if that is the case, i find it hard to express
so i'd keep this regret in my heart

let me shoulder all the pain, leave them to myself
as for you and your beauty, do bring it along with you
from now onwards, i will no longer have any reasons to be happy
let me shoulder all the pain, leave them to myself
as for you and your beauty, do bring it along with you

i believe i can bear the pains

but will you at least remember me

will you be able to allow me to hold you hand

i have never asked you of this

then again, i am worried you will be sad 

as you turn your back to me as you leave

why not do this way, just leave 

i will understand

let me shoulder all the pain, leave them to myself
as for you and your beauty, do bring it along with you
from now onwards, i will no longer have any reasons to be happy
i believe i can endure all the pain 
and pretend you have never existed in my life
but i will be here henceforth, day and night, 
pining for your news

will you be able to let me accompany you as you leave, 
since i cannot convince you to stay
regardless of where you are, to the edge of the world
will you, once a while, think of me
can you, think of me, can you, can you

objective setting

we had an objective setting meeting this week and everyone in the department had to present his/ her respective work objectives and kpi for the year.

i presented my department's objectives and then went on to go into details of mine and my staff. when i finished, my chief said something to the effect of "i donno what else to say about what you have presented. you are thorough and there are no gaps nor any areas that i can value-add. for that matter, what you have presented is so overwhelming, i will feel very bad to add any more to what you have planned. conversely, i would like to ask everyone here (in the department) if there are any volunteers to help him out."

kinda weird right? she had previously asked me to include lots of things, and then now said i've got too many things. then again, i could only say she was not fully in the know of what i have built over the past year (and she has admitted it herself but had given me full flexibility to do what i deemed necessary).

in a way, i was glad my presentation had that effect on her cos last week, she made a casual remark in front of the department that my staff seemed too free and that she felt could take on more responsibilities.

hmmm...

offensive old woman

an elderly woman pointed her umbrella at me yesterday. i found that action rather offensive. 

you see, last night, i brought my mum to parkway parade. now the car park of parkway parade is designed such that exiting cars are channeled to 1-2 single exit barriers. i had parked at level 6 and had to move through 5 levels of car park to get to the barrier. as it was near the closing time, there was also quite a few people criss-crossing the car park as they tried to get to their cars as many cars inched towards the barrier.

it so happened that there was this elderly woman. she was trying to cross the car park to get to her son's car. there were quite a few cars in front of me and the drivers did not give way to her and she waited by the side. we were all moving at 5-10km/hr. it was a very slow pace by all standards, but i supposed to the elderly lady, she wasn't confident enough to cross. as i approached her, i slowed down to let her cross. and as i did so, she gave me an angry look and pointed her umbrella towards me.

well, one might argue that she was thanking me, but looking at the expression on her face, i found it terribly offensive. she did not smile. and she did not even say thank you. for that matter, it almost felt like she was pointing her centre finger at me! i simply drove off.

i didn't feel good about the incident at all. and reflecting on it, i pondered whether we have, as a society, deteriorated to a point where simple courtesies such as a smile and a thank you is that difficult? or for that matter, have we come to a point where giving way to an elderly lady is that difficult? have we hit the point where we feel we are entitled to everything? are we beaming a self-centred society?

if we have, how can we turn this around?

bird accident

something interesting happened last weekend and i would like to capture it in this blog. it was about an accident. a bird's accident for that matter. here's the story.

i was driving my mum and maid to the market for our breakfast. as i drove near the mrt (mass rapid transit) station, a pigeon fell in front of my car. to be more accurate and without the knowledge of how it happened, the pigeon simply dropped down from the sky (presumably) in front of my car. all i saw was a pigeon that dropped back first as it struggled and flapped it's wings futilely mid-air. it happened so fast i didn't have the time to react to it. for that matter, mum did not even notice it.

next thing i knew, it disappeared in front of my windscreen. at the moment, i wanted to swerve my car to avoid it but as i said i didn't have any reaction time and could only quickly refocus my eyes towards my side view mirror. mentally, images of the different scenarios appeared - how it hit the ground and bounced off the bottom of my car, and rolled about, or worst still, falling in the path of my tyres and dying a quick and gruesome death as it gets crushed flat by my car tyres, its blood splashing all over the road and the underside of my car. i shudder as i thought of it.

i heaved a sigh of relief when it appeared in my side mirror and i saw a pigeon recovering from its fall. it must have had a rude shock as it hit the ground and struggled to its feet. i saw it awkwardly limped its way across the road with one wing stretched out straight. the traffic on road was rather heavy and i could not see if it crossed the road successfully. i seemed to sense many other drivers responding in as shocked a manner as i did. that was the last i saw of it. hopefully, the bird is still alive.

thinking about the whole incident, it clarified a frequent question that many have asked (cheekily) "why did the pigeon cross the road?". to save itself, of cos.

:-)

ps: the whole incident reminded me of another that involved 2 pigeons. that incident happened in tampa city where i was based in a decade ago. sad case cos one died, its guts all spewed out of its body and i had to bury it. but well, these incidents reminded me that accidents do happen amongst our non-human friends. we just need to encounter it to appreciate how fragile life it.

leader of the band

earlier this week, my department had a round of drinks to thank one of our colleague who would be leaving us end of the week. and as part of the celebrations, we also invited our ex-ceo. the dinner was held near our workplace and there was a live band. we thought it was appropriate to dedicate a song to our colleague. the song went relatively well and it brought the evening to a high. and we thought it was appropriate to also dedicate a song to our ex-ceo.

it was not easy to find an appropriate song but after some discussions, we chose "leader of the band" by dan fogelbert. i went up to the band and asked if we could have the "leader of the band". promptly, he replied "yes! i am the leader of the band!" and looked at me. almost innocently and wondering why in the world would i want to check if he was the leader of his band. "errrr, no no i mean, will you be able to perform the song "leader of the band"?" i asked again. there was a momentary blank stare before he replied "errm, what's that?". then he asked, "can you sing it instead?".

doh!

weird experiences

i had a couple of weird experiences today.

firstly, i drove mum to my brothers place and decided to head to the coffee shop for a quick lunch. and at the public car park, both available handicap lots were filled. for that matter, there were 4-5 handicap-labelled cars all parked side-by-side. very unusual. had never seen so many handicap-labelled vehicles before.

the second incident occurred in the midst of our lunch. as i mentioned, i brought mum to the coffee shop for lunch. just as we were about to finish our food, we heard a woman scream. it came out of no where. instinctively, i turned my head and i saw an auntie doing some weird gestures and punching both hands in the air. it looked like as though she was in a trance. she was standing beside a table where 3 other uncles were seated. then she started singing as she dropped into the floor and, lying on her back, raised and waved both legs in the air as she sang. the few old men seated around the corner started cheering her on as she continued kicking her legs in the air. next thing i knew, she got up and shouted at an uncle "don't cry! you are a big man! you cannot cry!" and she quickly took her seat beside the uncle. the whole thing was super weird and unsettling. many people around me were staring at the lady with their mouth opened. as for me, i quickly gulped down a mouthful of my kopi-o and wheeled my mum away. mum was as dumbstruck as me from what i could see. as i walked passed them, i turned my head to take a look at them. indeed, uncle looked terribly upset and was crying quite badly.

yikes! what a weird day!

pink dot 2014

the comments in youtube reinforced my view that many singaporeans are still closed-minded. kinda regretful considering the country prides itself to be open and inclusive, or at least it tries to be. then again, it i accept that regardless of how open or inclusive we are, such people exists and cannot be wished away. their views perhaps reflect their insecurity? then again, it doesn't matter to me. frankly, i do not have the energy nor the want to force any societal change. change will happen, like it or not. for now, i am happy just to live my life by my own terms.

i do not need anybody's endorsement to be happy. i am happy, as i am.

:-)

ps: and it is such a coincidence that i am watching x-men on the tv as i post this. so bloody apt, isn't it? and yes, i posted this in my facebook too. let's see what people read out of this posting.

"friended"/ "unfriended" in fb

my second sis "friended" me in facebook a couple of months back after she got to know how to use it. she had been using it as part of her efforts to expand her network, something that would help boost her work output (she's a property agent). and yesterday, our fb "friendship" finally ended. here's the story...

peaceful week

this week was peaceful. nothing more that i could wish for. mum did not go haywire, although there were occasions where she was a little quiet, to a point that was a tat uneasy for me, but thankfully, she did not end up with emo-swings. 

work-wise, i sense impending changes in dynamics. and this is cos my head will be leaving the team end of this coming week. and increasingly i can see work is being tasked to me - work that appeared "from no where". then again, it was not really becos of his departure that some of these work are piling on me. rather, it was becos the lead of the other team was not pulling his weight and my chief is tasking it to me as she thinks "i am very good at execution". what a crap.

then again, i will be a team player for now. let's see how things go. it is relatively manageable now. if things go way-off and the demands go sky-high with no additional resources, i always have the trump card to move on. it's ironic right? considering she was the one who kept reminding me that i must put my work at the lowest priority and that work is just, work.

hmmm...

morning walks

one thing i enjoy about walking to work is the chance i get to get close to nature. conversely, i do not enjoy the fact that i will end the journey with work, and that i am walking in my work clothes. nonetheless, i try to take time to walk mindfully as much as i can.

and i enjoy the journey even more as my journey takes me through quite a bit of greenery. not natural forested area per se, but as close to it as one can get - an undeveloped area beside a canal that is overgrown with shrubs, undergrowth and so on. and becos of this, i hear cicadas singing, crickets chirping, birds serenading and water rushing in the canal... it's nature's orchestra at play. in harmony. very therapeutic and very relaxing... until... the crane at the construction site starts operating. 

sighs...

:-)

meditations on life

for unknown reasons, i was acutely sensitized to life, destruction and death this morning as i walked to my workplace. i started the journey looking out for a baby sparrow that supposedly dropped out if it's nest and couldn't find its way home. i guessed i felt a little guilty to have left it to fend for itself yesterday. anyway, i didn't manage to find it and wished that it is safe somewhere. hopefully, it is still alive. i walked on, still feeling a little unsettled.

as i continued my journey, i saw rubbish - tissue paper, bottles, and many many more - all over the place. these were supposedly discarded by construction workers, pedestrians, etc. and i also witnessed huge amount of cut grass strewn all along the walking path. what a dirty sight, i thought. i also chanced upon snails and slugs that were trampled upon as they attempted to cross the walking path. lots of them for that matter. for a short moment, flashes of what siddhartha gautama saw when he ventured out of his palace appeared. my imagination no doubt, but they reminded me of destruction and death. and i reflected on it. but instead of seeing them as they were, i was reminded of impermanence. all things orderly will become disorderly sometime. and all things alive will meet their end at some point of time. let's not be too caught up with desires, i thought as i walked. and just as these thoughts crossed my mind, i saw buds sprouting from the ground, branches of wayside trees bending down, heavy with fruits. new life. new beginnings. nice, but very contrasting. they reinforced my thoughts about impermanence. of the cycles of life.

i arrived at my morning breakfast cafeteria in no time. and i realized i had gone into a semi-state of meditation as i walked.

it was a good walk, it was a very mindful walk.

it was a good start to my day.

happy thursday.

sunburned

i went bald about 3 weeks ago. 

and over the last week, i noticed dandruff-like stuff falling off my head. and then i realised. the stuff falling off was not dandruff, they were actually the skin of my scalp.  and this happened cos my head was exposed to the sun during the initial days of my baldness and the head got sunburned as a result!

the same thing happened a couple of years back too.

lol!

a challenge

an interesting friend gave this suggestion/ challenge to me:

stop masturbating for a month, and see how you manage...

i thought this challenge is quite funny. in response, i told him i don't want to end up having not just stones in my kidney, but also cumstones in my balls! ok, i was just joking. i know my biology!

lol!

kidney stones

i had my medical review done yesterday.

the scan revealed a total of three stones. the stone in the right kidney, which is the largest of all, has migrated to a position just out of the kidney. it measured about 5mm, slightly bigger than that stone observed in the 2012 case. as for the other two other smaller stones, one was found in each of both kidneys.

the urologist expressed concern with the large stone asked if i wanted to remove it. after some discussions, and sensing my apprehension, he suggested giving it another month to see if it continues its migration. hopefully, he said, the stone would migrate down the ureter into the bladder and gets expelled out of the body. to aid this, he also prescribed tamsulosin - the same medication that he prescribed in 2012. it worked the last time, he said, so let's hope it works again this time round. but he advised - if it does not, you should consider options to remove them right away. he presented two possible options to me, one of the options would be to use ultrasound to blast it. he went on to explain the risks associated with this option. you may get infection, bloodied urine, painful urination, the stone fail to break apart... after listening to this, which seemed superbly painful, i stopped listening. my mind wondered off, imagining how i would suffer from the pain... i didn't register anything about the second option.

as for the small stones in both kidneys, he said that given the size, chances are that they will get discharged easily.

leaving things to fate as of now and am just taking the medications nightly. 

dementia resources

over the last 2 weeks, i had been reading and re-reading the materials posted in this link on caregiver's guide to understanding dementia behaviours. the information certainly reminded me of mum's condition and kept me in check with regards my own behaviour when she went haywire (which she did a few times over the last 2 weeks).

i strongly recommend that you read this too if you are a caregiver for someone with dementia and are trying to make sense of the condition/ behavioural changes and feeling stressed by it.

:-)

boiling clothes

i cooked mum's clothes over the last 2 days.

had been wanting to do this for a long while to get rid of all the stains around the neck areas of her clothes. you see, mum has the habit of applying thick dollops of petroleum-based ointment on herself a few times each day, especially the areas around her chest, her neck and her nape. and in the process, she invariably ended up with having the neck areas of all her clothes stained with the petroleum base. worst of all, there was no way to get rid of these petroleum base if we were to wash the clothes normally. as a result, her clothes all looked very dirty. 

logic tells me that i need to use either some organic solvents or heat to get rid of these stains. and thus far, i have tried using turpentine and thinner, mixed with more soap powder, more "powderful" soap powder, bleach, etc but to no avail. all i ended up with was thickened gooey substances that continued to stick to the clothes. i ended up throwing away some of her clothes becos of these stains. and yesterday, with the maid on her off, i decided to try an experiment. i boiled one of her t-shirt and it worked well. to enhance the outcome, i added soap powder too and it worked. not only did i managed to get rid of the petroleum base, i managed to also brighten some of the colours too!  and today, i decided to repeat the process with many other t-shirts of hers. so... yes, i cooked mum's clothes these 2 days!

haha...

point to note: this method works with clothes that are made of natural materials such as cotton or linen. i am not sure about whether it works with delicates (e.g. silk) or clothes with high synthetic content (e.g., rayon). you might just end up destroying the clothes if you boil them...  

obese godzilla

it's a little obese.

and oh, somehow the monsters looked like robots. even godzilla.

no brainer show. after all, how much can we expect out of a monster movie right? just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

:-)

"respect"

i do workshops and one of the concepts i have to facilitate was "respect". for that, my first question to my learners was always "how do you feel when someone does not show you respect?". and often, responses would come in fast and furious. all responses were invariably very negative energy ones. and when the response slow down, i would pause with a moment's silence, look into the eyes of my learners and ask "why? why did you have such negative responses?". and the class often go silent.

it is difficult to answer such questions. such questions require some critical thinking and soul searching, something that we adults have learned not to do. something that perhaps kids are very good at, but have learned not to be as they grow up. that's another story altogether. back to the workshop. following the silence, and with some facilitation, the class always gravitate to one answer. and that is...

half-recovered mum

well, mum became almost normal by yesterday evening. nonetheless, she was still a little grouchy.

today, everything seemed to revert back to normal and she was cheerful. nonetheless, there were still signs of her moodiness cos my sis came over this afternoon and she told me mum gave her the cold shoulders and insisted that all her children didn't want to look after her. from this, i could only guess that she had not fully returned to her non-dementia self. then again, i am not sure if she could ever return to that state of mind... 

whatever the case, by the time i returned from work, she seemed stable enough. and was cheerful when i brought her out to try out subway sandwiches and chicken sandwiches at burger king. 

let's see how she is tomorrow. 

mum's spiralling condition

today was a terribly bad day for me, and the maid.

mum got into emo swings and threw tantrums at almost every person she can think of throughout the day. and i am typing the post at 10-plus in the evening with her still sitting in the living room and refusing the retire. i have decided to leave her alone for now. hopefully she gets better tomorrow morning. need to rely on hope this evening although i know hope is not an option. then again, i have been reading a book of managing and dealing with dementia patients. it suggests that i learn to live with ambiguity. i.e., no expectations, any solution that works today may not work tomorrow. to this, this is almost living with hope. thing is, there is nothing i can control with regards the disease, but i can control my response. and i choose to let things be since she has taken her medications, and have my rest tonight. whatever becomes of her tomorrow, let's manage it tomorrow. 

here's what happened today that created this mess...

"ah ma"

today, my 17-month old nephew gave us a great surprise. for the first time in his life, he called out to my mum. here's the story.

i brought my mum to visit my brother this afternoon. when we arrived, he was asleep. and my mum went to the sofa and sat there. that was when i heard him cry in the room. he had woken up. in no time, his maternal grandmother carried him out of the room. and when he saw me, he broke into a super broad smile, the type of smile that would melt the heart of even the hardest person, and his hands reached out to me for me to carry him.

as he saw my mum, he pointed to her and called out "ah ma". a little unsteady and shaky in his pronunciation and sounded a little like "ah mer", but yes, it was clear that he was calling out to her". i was totally speechless! and that was it. he refused to utter the words again, despite our encouragements. in fact, he got shy about it and hid his face in my chest. so cute!

lol! 

vesak 2558

i went for my 3-step-1-bow last evening. my 25th year of doing it, if i recall it correctly. my personal commitment to observe this ritual for as long as i can physically do it following my uni graduation back in 1990/91. and every year, before i start the ritual, there would always be the apprehension about whether my back would give way. it was the same last night. then again, i told myself i would proceed with it and that my friends and people around me would be there to look out for me if it should give way. and this year was no different.

as per previous years, bee, kl, his sister and niece, and i met at close to 11pm at the temple. we proceeded to join in the queue. we did not start until about 3.15am. but the waiting time was, in my view, good. it allowed me to share with my friends more about the dharma. managed to share my views of buddhism, about the four noble truths, the eight-fold path, the samsara cycle, and so on. and the sharing also provided me the opportunity to better connect and relate buddhist concepts to modern day-to-day life and experiences. hopefully, through the sharing, they are able to better appreciate how buddhism is something that is very real, practical and contemporary.

the whole procession, that required participants to take 3 steps and prostrate once over the full distance of about 800m lasted about 2.5hrs. and as usual (as reflected in my previous vesak posts), there were these frequent distractions - other gay men, noisy aunties, people who rush through and cut queues, etc. i have come to accept these as part and parcel of such gatherings. and this year, i made the deliberate effort to ensure i do not rush. i was very aware during the whole 2.5hrs, taking 3 deliberate steps and 1 mindful prostration throughout the journey. it was good that the whole ceremony took place at night. i felt so warm and perspired so badly, especially when i was wearing my buddhist robes. we ended at close to 6am and i reached home close to 7am. 

after a couple of hour's sleep, my whole body felt like it would break apart! it reminded me of how i felt after running the army half marathon some years back. well, ok not quite that bad, perhaps mini-ahm. heh! but yes! i survived the process once again. 

i dedicate whatever merits gained to everyone and all sentient beings! may everyone find the inner peace they need, the strength to overcome whatever difficulties they face (i am reminded of some blogger friends like chinese prick, leo nut, temps, sharks, soul and jung amongst a few others), and may everyone be happy.

wishing everyone a happy vesak day.

picture from http://www.kmspks.org

the amazing spiderman 2

it was a superbly emo, superbly human spiderman. that was the impression i got when bee and i watched the show over the weekend. 

and i could understand why a friend reflected in his facebook post that he teared when he watched the show. peter parker was deeply in love but had to give up his relationship with his girlfriend becos of his superhero status. not easy huh? a case of heart vs the mind and many scenes were really intense (omg, i think almost all my post in the week passed had been full of this word "intense"). and when in such a state of relationship, there would be teary, emo moments... especially when the whole show build up to his girlfriend's eventual death...

but yeah, i kinda like this production. much better than previous ones. spiderman came across as so human, and vulnerable. and andrew garfield who played peter parker aka spiderman certainly looked very... erm... normal. that kinda "with such looks, how did he even qualify for the hollywood screen" look. and similarly, the emma stone or gwen aka spiderman's girlfriend's looks were not that hot either. then again, it could be the make-up cos they looked pretty good when you googled their images. heh heh... ok, am being shallow here, somehow we tend to expect superheroes and people associated with them to be drop dead gorgeous. just look at all the mutants in x-men, thor, green lantern, or even wonder woman! but yeah, strong performances by many overall and a very fast-paced show that did not allow viewers a break, especially from the second half onwards. 

you should see it if you have not.

conchita wurst

i conducted an experiment in my facebook.

i posted a pic of my mum acting cute and in less than a day i got more than 30 "likes", first "like" appearing within minutes.

next, i posted a youtube of a conchita wurst (a breaded drag queen) singing. i wrote: "close your eyes, listen to the song, halfway through, open your eyes. observe your reactions. reflect why you behaved as such. you will learn a lot about yourself."  and i got 3 likes after 2 days. the first "like" appeared after hours. 

facebook, as recorded and studied in many journals, can be used for all sorts of things - including learning and social experiments.

and in my experiment, go ahead and draw your own conclusions...

lol!

intense sunday

as a cap to the intense week, mum went over the top with her emo swings.

what a week!

this week has been one helluva interesting and intense for me. i took leave and headed to the hospital for my ct scan for my kidney stones and mum went slightly emo a couple of times. but the highlight of the week must have been the series of non-stop events at work. 

firstly, on monday, i organised a town hall meeting and a dialogue between my top leadership and leaders of the company. during that session, my ceo announced a worst-than-expected annual performance. nonetheless, he sounded upbeat given all the strategic moves that he had successfully completed that would see the company going forward very smoothly. 

i went for my ct scan on tuesday and on wednesday morning, in the midst of my breakfast, i got a company-wide email from my ceo. he had resigned. rushed to office and was told to arrange for an emergency town hall to be chaired by my chairman. and following that, it was a whole day of non-stop briefings. really intense and hardly settling. there was an air of sadness and uncertainty in the whole office. our ceo was such a well-loved leader. very sharp, very affable but no less demanding.

there was not a single chance for the unsettled feeling to stay cos on thursday, i had a review of work objectives for the coming year with my head. and with his impending departure end of the month, i would have to take over all his responsibilities (which thus far, had been carried out quite independently of what my areas). and added to inheriting his responsibilities, my chief had also indicated she wanted me to lead in employee communications and employee engagement. new areas that no one had done thus far. all these mean, there would be an almost 3- to 4-fold increase in my job scope. of cos, to help me, one of my existing manager (who is rather demoralised currently) would most likely be placed under me. 

and on friday, i conducted a full day training, just to be told at the end of the day that one other function chief had resigned... arghhh... what a way to end the week. too much for me for this one single week. this kinda explain my stress and my intense dream on thursday night right? 

haha...

did i almost die last night?

i had a super weird and intense experience last night.

i cannot exactly recall what i was doing except that i was taking a drive in my car. i was driving nice and slow in an estate road and somehow, i took a turn and entered an expressway. i picked up speed  and as i did so, decided to hit hard on the accelerator. the car picked up speed very very fast and i could feel the sudden intense pace at which things were zooming by. then something happened at the rear of my car, i grabbed the steering wheel tight as i turned and took a look. as i did so, the expressway curved to the left and next thing i knew, my car crashed into the road railings. due to the speed at which i was going, my car broke through the railings and flew. i couldn't do anything but to watch everything zip by.

before i knew it, my car crashed and everything turned dark. i felt things collapsing onto me from different directions, first from the front and then from the sides as the car got crushed. the next thing i knew, i felt an intense pressure pressing me from my back and within a split second, the pressure got so great it tore through my body. my chest was so tight it felt like it was going to explode. the feeling was intense that i woke up. panting. i felt the release of pressure in my chest as i woke up.

did i just experience a heart attack in the midst of my sleep?

boundaries

in the military where i spend a large part of my life, we were often reminded about the need to be clear about our physical boundaries. it's about space management, about rules, about exertion of rights, about sovereignty, etc. and we can be really anal about it. all the way down basics of who covers which side of the road. and as an instructor that trains mid-management senior officers in military tactics, simple questions such as "does this side of the road belong to you or your sister unit?" often throw my trainees off whenever we go into details of area management. after all, as senior officers, there is a tendency to want to focus on strategies and tactics rather than mundane tactical-level issues of area management and boundaries right? haha.

anyway, i want use this space not to talk about military men. instead, i want to simply capture what i observed over the last 2 days. and laugh about it. and certainly, they are directly related to the concept of boundaries, areas of responsibilities and how we need to manage this in real non-military life. here're the stories.

i was on leave 2 days ago and decided to take a walk at the beach in the morning. there was a hawker center and rubbish was strewn all over the floor. i supposed these were the aftermath left over by the crowd the night before. i noticed an uncle (presumably a china chinese from the way he dressed and his mannerism) was using a power water jet to clean the floor. and from what i could see, what he did was simply to use the water blasting out of his jet to blow the rubbish out if the hawker center onto the grass patch. he didn't seem too bothered about the rubbish being on the grass patch but took great pains and conscientiously make every effort to ensure no rubbish was left on the hawker center floor. hmmm...

fast forward. this morning as i was walking to work, i chanced upon a cleaner uncle who was sweeping the walking path. again, uncle was very "on the ball" and took care to sweep everything you can find on the walking path - leaves, flowers, tissue paper, rubbish, what have yous - off the path. thing was - he swept them into the grassy areas. and as i could not see any bins, dust pan, etc that would allow him to collect and dispose of the stuff he swept, i could only assumed that his focus was to clear the path and left whatever he cleared on the grass patch... and again, hmmm...

two different incidents. conceptually the same. both men were doing what they were doing, very conscientiously and very diligently. but... and  you cannot fault them for not doing their work.  hahahha...

mistaken identity

i went for my ct scan at the hospital this afternoon.

i was waiting for my turn when a hospital attendant came to me, took a hard look, and asked my name and what i was there for in a very-malay accented hokkien. and maybe becos of the quizzical look i had on my face, she switched to mandarin and repeated the questions again. all her hokkien and mandarin words were so so so bloody broken. she switched to english only after i opened my mouth to speak to her in english.

frankly, i really didn't know if i should feel offended or to praise the her for being service-minded. but she should learn this basic lesson in customer service - never ever stereotype a person base on his/ her looks! then again, did i come across as so china chinese or ah chek (hokkien for "uncle")? or with my botak head, she was indeed telling me i looked like some china-chinese construction worker? 

doh!

ps: i was there to do a ct scan to check for stones in my kidney and urinary tract. the results would be out when i see the doctor next on 19 may.

ondeh ondeh

managed to make ondeh ondeh today. love the end result! here's the recipe...

totally gay!

i am so totally gay!

you see, during my skin prick allergy test this morning, i was exposed to close to 20 allergens. and my skin reacted to none except cat fur. that means...

i am allergic to pussies!

then again, i knew i was "allergic" all these while but now scientifically and medically proven! how much more liberating can that be right? lol!

ok, i was just joking. it was such a coincidence.

very funny indeed.

:-)

pulut inti

decided to make pulut inti yesterday. wanted to do something different given it was a public holiday and i had some time. managed to do it within an hour late morning. somehow, we don't eat too much of what we cooked. but i liked the outcome. sedap sekali!

then again, if i were to do it again next time, i must include one important ingredient - blue pea flower colouring.

lol! here's the recipe...

sense of humor

the people in my workplace in general are fun and many have an interesting sense of humour.

just look at my colleague's email auto-reply: "i am away on duty travel and only be back in office on 2 may 2014. if your email is urgent, feel free to panic. :)"

haha!

being respectful

it's very disappointing to note that there are people amongst us who argue it is their right to do things that are disrespectful.

and i am referring to a local activist who tried to garner support for people to deface pictures and/ or to burn effigies, and so on of local politicians. far as i am concern, if we don't agree with any policies, we can protest, we can voice our disagreement, etc but we should still be respectful. spitting, throwing shit, throwing eggs on a person's photo is a tat too personal and totally wrong... it is so uncivilised and distasteful.

and as though to place himself on moral high grounds, he said he would not do it if it is against the law, after being warned by the police that it is illegal. my point is, legal or not, the thought of wanting to do these things, by themselves, reflects negatively on the character of the person doing it.

this should not happen in a civilized society. then again, i don't think we are that civilized after all.

two thumbs down.