any which way

there is something about this video that makes it very appealing (to my gay side)... the men? the campiness? hmmm... whatever, just enjoy!

:-)

pengat lemak kacang

made one of my favorite peranakan dessert yesterday - pengat lemak kacang. been a long while since i last made it... this is my personal recipe after observing how my mum cooked her version...

:-)

ingredients
green beans - 200g
sago - 100g
gula melaka - 150g
coconut milk - extracted from 1 freshly grated coconut or 1 small ready-made pack
gula puteh (white sugar) - to taste
pandan leaves

preparation
wash pandan leaves and tear the pandan leaves along the veins. tie the leaves into knots and leave aside
(tearing the leaves will help the extraction process of the pandan fragrance). for the sago, wash the sago, dry off the excess water and leave it aside. as sago has the tendency to absorb water, it is useful to only wash it when the green beans are about cooked. for the coconut milk, if you are using freshly grated coconut, add about 50ml of water, and squeeze out the extract (if you prefer, you can squeeze it without adding any water). leave the initial thicker extract aside, add another 100ml of water and repeat extraction process. the second extract would be more diluted.

method
wash the green beans. put in the pandan leaves, add water and cook for about 45min until the green beans are cooked. remove the pandan leaves and discard. add the gula melaka and white sugar (to taste). when the gula melaka and sugar have melted, add in the sago. cook until the sago turn transparent. add in the ready made coconut milk. (if you are using freshly grated coconut, add in the second round diluted coconut milk first, bring to boil, then add the thicker initial extract). bring to quick boil, turn off the heat.

serve warm or chilled depending on preference.

* post-note: very important to bring to quick boil after adding the coconut milk, prolong boiling will make the pengat a little rancid due to the coconut oil being cooked out of the milk.

* to make pengat durian, you can use the same recipe but add in the durian meat (amount up to your preference) together with the sago.

japanese wonton mee

yesterday was kinda weird for me. you see, woke up in the morning and i knew mum was in one of her haywire mental state again. had expected it whenever i have any dinners on fri nights. saturday morning would definitely have her behaving weird. what happened was, for half of yesterday, she went on and on about how her children have forsaken her, ill-treated her, la la la... it was just very vexing for me. but well... managed to keep her mental state contained by reminding her of all the good things that is happening around her constantly.

and she was cheerful in the afternoon. made pengat lemak kacang (green bean soup cooked with sago and coconut milk) for her and you could see her face brighten up. in fact, so cheerful that she agreed to have bee join us for dinner. very unusual indeed. anyway, we picked bee up and decided to drive her to chinatown to see the lantern light-up. and she joked and talked non-stop through the journey as she narrate her childhood experiences to me and bee (yup, have listened to it umpteen times). and lo and behold, when we reached chinatown, the road was closed and there was a huge jam! we detoured and decided to head to liang court for some ramen.

arrived at liang court and sighs... we got ourselves stuck in the car park for close to 2 hours. arghhh... but interestingly, mum kept talking during the whole time. she went on and on and on about how bee was hungry and that, if she had known about the jam, she would not have joined us for dinner. hmmm... thankfully, we managed to get a lot just as we decided to leave the place. it wasn't long before we found our way to the ramen shop. a conservative eater, it was only since recent times when she stayed with me that she started to eat japanese food. before that, she has always swore off japanese food cos to her, all japanese food are raw and to her, anything raw = yucks!  we ordered ramen, tamago, extra serving of char siu, yaki char siu, steamed gyoza doused with a hearty serving of vinegar, and stewed pork. and to explain what all these are to her, i called the meal - japanese wonton mee. haha... it sounded familiar to her and before we knew it, she was slurping away the whole bowl of ramen! haha... it was a very nice evening in the end.

and yes, it was indeed a weird day where things started a little mental / crazy (literally), and ended rather nicely with her cheerful and happy.

spider webbed

came home yesterday after breakfast with mum, got out of the car and dropped my mobile/ handphone. didn't give a hoot to it, picked it up and rushed to the other side of the car to assist mum as she hobbled to out from the car up to my apartment (yup, have to guide her no different from the way empress cixi was assisted by eunuchs... except that in my case, i retain my family jewels, haha!) ok, i have digressed. came home and went about doing my chores and it wasn't until bee called me that i realized my phone's glass face had cracked.

arghhhh!!! 

anyway, just send it in to the mobile repair shop this morning... gonna cost me $140 to have the glass face replaced. sighs! but hey, optimistically speaking, i will have a brand new looking phone this evening! you can't wish things away so might as well look at it optimistically! at least i can smile for the positive outcome. right? 

lol!

publicized sex life

it is not a nice thing to be reading about the sex life or indiscretions of a friend being splashed all over the media. and i empathize with this friend of mine.

all things being equal, i seriously think all parties involved deserve some privacies. such news should not be publicised, much less in such a manner. and the questioning by the lawyers reminded me of how i was interrogated by my security office in 2005, except that this was done in court and proceedings made public. i can imagine and the stress this publicity is adding to the already high level of stress all involved parties are experiencing now. and to make it worst, i see people making all sorts of comments about the case, many of which were uncalled for and possibly based on their own assumptions.

i supposed the silver lining of this whole episode is that it brings out to full clarity who is with you and who is against you.

abusive relationship

when in an abusive relationship, walk away. preserve yourself. and remember this, bear no grudge to the person who abuse you. instead, be thankful the lessons of patience and tolerance and a further clarity of what you should not be. and this principle applies to your job too.

and that's what i am doing. 

someone like you

it is not often that i post recent songs in my blog but this is a song that i have listened to since it was released and that i liked very much. it is one of those songs that i believe whose lyrics we all can identify with at some time in our lives. also, it is a song delivered so well by adele that we can simply just listen to it without paying attention to the lyrics and simply enjoy her singing and/ or the tune.  i am posting it here cos somehow, i keep hearing it again and again in the last couple of weeks... be it when i was in my colleagues car, in the radio, when i pass by some public places, and so on... or was it just that i am very sensitive to the somewhat melancholic feel given the possible heightened stress i am feeling due to my impending change in my life? well, whatever... it is a really beautiful song.

my gay-friendly chiropractor

have written about my chiropractor some time back, the one whom i previously thought was gay. well... of late, i have started the programme with him and have been visiting him at least twice a week for the last 2 months. he knows i am very comfortable with him treating me (as in pressing my body) (yes, i told him so), and i must say, he is good! also, he has been very nice to me whenever i visit him and he would ask his secretary to schedule extra time for me and we would chat as he treats me. 

two weeks back, during treatment, he shared that he used to give massages long time back during his uni days. and halfway through the treatment, he said my shoulder was very tensed up and that i should consider getting a massage.  hmm... yes, hmmm, i thought. but of cos, being a shy person (yes, i am shy ok!) i did not ask further. well, what happened after that was, after i went home, i thought for 2 days about it and finally sms-ed and asked him for recommendations for massage services. frankly, i was hoping he would moonlight and offer his services! haha! i was (and i think i still am) such a slut! alas, he didn't offer his services. instead, he referred me to a straight spa, one that offers massages to couples, and that he said he used to visit. he even specifically asked me to pick their deep tissue massage becos of my chronic issue with my shoulder. i thanked him for the recommendation of cos, but well, i did not follow-up. still cannot bring myself to visit a straight spa... 

anyway, during the last couple of visits, he would really hit deep into my shoulder muscles as part of my treatment. and we would do this in the privacy of his office cos i have to take off my shirt for him to apply oil and massage my shoulder. and today, he asked if i had started the deep tissue massage that he recommended. i felt a little embarrassed, as i replied that i had not. and guess what, he suggested that i could perhaps let him do the deep tissue massage for my shoulder as part of my visits to him instead! so nice of him right? 

i am so gonna go back to him more!

resignations

with one more week to go, i was quite unprepared to get what i got this morning. one of my managers, who was sick and was on mc, appeared in my office and tendered her resignation. sighs... frankly, some of my managers have indicated they would leave when i leave, but i did not expect it to happen so fast... yes, the domino effect has started... one more senior manager is actively looking for jobs now, and another manager has gone for interviews... 

one of my heads commented that that is what senior management have to manage after they mismanaged me. but well, let's not see ourselves as indispensable i told him, my experience tells me that all organizations have the abilities to move on regardless of who comes or who goes. no one is indispensable. at most, there will be a slowing down of some developments, but the company will surely not fall because of that.

as for the individual, if you are not happy, just leave. loyalty is an old fashion thing. it is totally passe in today's organization. and i know cos i see loyal people getting the boot all the time, especially in my current company, just because someone up there has some historical misgivings about them.

farewell lunch

my immediate boss bought me farewell lunch today... then again, i am not sure if it was meant to be a farewell lunch cos during lunch, he kept talking about how to bring the unit forward to my heads who were invited at the same time. but it was a good time for me to plant quite a few remarks here and there about how the unit should be shaped moving ahead, and also to make some hints about the difficulties that the unit is facing (as a result of his management). think he got the hints. and hopefully, he could and would be more understanding of my heads in the days ahead.

farewell dinner

my unit bought me dinner this evening. was a good gathering and i was very happy to see, for the first time, almost all attending the dinner. had never have such a good turn out. even those from outside the unit, but had previously worked with me, appeared. very thankful for the support. and was a little overwhelmed by the number of gifts they gave me, gifts that they made, or photos that they framed for me. simple and very meaningful. 

gonna miss my unit when i leave them end next week. but well, as i said at the end of the dinner, you can take a man from the unit, but you cannot take the unit from the man. they will always have a space in my heart. 

gay butcher's partner

had the opportunity to visit the market again yesterday when i sent my mum for a medical follow-up at the clinic. this time round, i made a special effort to take a better look at the team of assistants of zhu rou rong - the gay butcher. i noticed a taller one (as tall or perhaps slightly taller than zhu rou rong) standing on the elevated platform beside zhu rou rong. i suspect he is his partner for he dressed slightly differently from the other assistants. and there was this look and mannerism about him that suggest to me that he is different from the rest of the guys...

and of cos, he is better looking than the rest of the assistants.

:-)

last week @ work

been busy conducting a 2 day course that starts today. kinda weird feeling cos this is the last course that i will be conducting for the company and despite the fact that the class did not meet the minimum class size, my co-ordinating team made special provisions for this course to proceed. they know i enjoy conducting such courses as it energizes me and gives me the opportunity to connect with people from across the company. and during the course, i also sensed a small extend where course participants felt the need to be part of this course. and during the tea breaks, they came up to me and share some of their thoughts about how the company will be losing a significant member come next week. one of them also expressed that quite a number of his peers have not gotten over the fact that i will be leaving them. 

well, sharing this with no intentions to boast, but rather, capturing a moment in my final days with my company and some of the thoughts and words that was expressed. the issue with long tender periods (in my case, 2 months) invariably mean having extended goodbyes and expressions of a sense of lose. been so for the last few weeks. colleagues whom i do not know come up to me to wish me well, to have meals with me, to ask me for advice... been a good few weeks although it can be a little overwhelming in terms of the number of people coming up to me. but of cos, i am more than happy to help and share.

one more week to go.

sport watch gift

this is what my admin staff got for me. found it on my table after my lessons. felt so bad to have them spend money buying me this little parting gift, especially when they do not earn much. what is even more touching for me is that they have also made cards, assembled a photo of me taken together with them, as well as a collage of photos of me and them taken over several different occasions. in addition, the gift bag was also specially made... felt so bad, yet at the same time appreciated. 

gonna miss my admin team when i leave the unit end next week...

sighs.

my gay birthday

quick reflection: 

many of us, gay persons, have 2 birthdays. first, it is the day we were born physically into this world. and the other we were born as a gay person into this world, i.e, our coming out. both are as painful and both are as defining. for me, the first birth was in dec 1966, and the second, aug 1996.

:-)

sex at 40s

this post is dedicated and in response to a blog follower of mine who has been asking me about sex for men in their 40s... and in the post on hitting 40s, i could almost feel his frustrations in his comment. make me feel bad only. ok, ok, so here's some sharing about the 40-plus men and sex. and i must first qualify here ok? this post is meant to educate and not to titillate. and of cos, i do want to qualify here that this is

• not about me although i can attest to some of the experiences (heh heh), 
• not about all men in their 40s (cos i certainly cannot generalize right?) but having said that, i think it should be relatively accurate as a description for men in their 40s who have been able to accept their sexuality and are at peace with it, 
• for some parts, about men who are generally no longer closeted and are comfortable with his sexuality (straight or otherwise) and 
• wherever possible, the writings are to be read from an angle of relativity of one age group vs another age group... 

and if you are still with me after all the boring qualifiers, read on...

firstly, lust is lust & love is love. the men in 40s can better distinguish between lust and love and thus, can separate sex as an extension of love, vs sex as a need/ a basic human instinct. this is so different from a younger person (or a gay men who has just come out) where sex/ lust is usually mistaken and misinterpreted as love. and often, this is very confusing to a person who is coming out and that can cause a lot a lot of heartaches - imagine, one who sees sex as a basic instinct having an ons with another who mistaken sex as love. sounds familiar? so, perhaps that is why gay men in their 40s tend to be more stable vs a younger person who has a higher tendency to fall in love after having sex.

secondly, sex gets sexier. to the men in 40s, with the clarity of what is lust vs love, sex gets sexier to the people he gets himself involved with. that is becos he now do not see sex as merely an momentary act of intense stimulation leading to orgasm. the definition of sex has been expanded from a event to achieve orgasm to that of a holistic experience. sex is a process that involves communications, romance, foreplay, the arousal etc. and this probably are the reasons why some people say men in their 40s (aka mature men) are hot!?

thirdly, sex is sex is sex. that is, in the physical sense, the act of sex is the same, regardless of whether a person is in his 20s or 30s or 40s or for that matter 70s. yup, 70s. it involves the stimulation of the sexual organ aka penis aka cock etc. and with sufficient stimulation comes the orgasm. and of cos, where male orgasm is concerned, it involved the ejaculation of the sperm. the key difference between a younger and older person (20 vs 40 or 40 vs 70) is that the younger person will (1) take faster to orgasm than the older person, (2) the intensity of the orgasm aka the shooting of the ejaculate tend to be stronger in the younger person vs that of the older person, (3) the quality of the sperm decreases with age, and (4) the consistency of the ejaculate is possibly less thick for older men. well, well... see how i can make the paragraph sound so clinical? hahaha... in another words, younger can cum faster and shoot further than the older person.

fourthly, he can still be horny. the younger person generally has a higher and more active hormonal system compared to the older person. as such, the younger person tend to have a higher sex drive compared to the older person. accordingly, in a human life cycle, the hormonal cycle is such that a person's hormonal development peaks in his 20s and starts declining when he enters his 30s. some men experience a stage where his body experience flushes in his 40s, sex drive decreases, sperm production drops, and the body get more lethargic, gains weight, etc. this is the andropause stage, a stage similar to that of a woman's menopause. this is largely due to a decrease in testosterone production. in another words, a person's horniness starts about the time he hits puberty and increases through his life and peaks in his late 20s. after that, his horniness decreases with age... but the key word here is - he is still capable of being horny and can still father a child, even at 70!

and of cos, to your last question, does a person's cock change shape at 40s (or older). let me put it this way, to maintain a functional cock, exercise it well. in another word, anything that is not used will wither. it is the same for any part of a person's body. the brain, the muscles, etc... so, if you want your cock to look and continue to work well, work it out man! and so, to the question on whether the cock size decreases with age, my answer is "no". go read up wikipedia too... and of cos, in this link, you can get loads of pictures of the penis, even picture of a 64 year old one as well as an animated one that shows the arousal process.

ok, i hope i have answered all the questions asked... but of cos, i think i might have made it sound so clinical for many parts of it, you can hardly get a hard on when you read this post... then again as i have stated at the start of my post... my intent of this post is to educate, not titillate.

:-)

hitting 40s

a lady friend of mine celebrated her 40th birthday yesterday. and she felt a little melancholic the day before... she was literally counting down to her last few moments of her 30s. haha! comparatively, for the rest of us in the group, we are all already into our mid-40s (well, of cos, less bee and schneider). and interestingly enough, this morning, she whatsapp-ed us (using the group function) "happy 40s!" and i answered "roar!!!" afterall, 40s is the new young right?

damned, why do i sound like i am so self-consoling. then again, hey, you cannot stop it nor wish it away, so... enjoy it! make the best out of it! age gracefully! there is something age brings that young ones cannot claim to have - experience, wisdom, maturity, ability to take things slow(er) and appreciate life as it unfolds, stopping to smell the flowers... and of cos, a more acute appreciation of life and the people around us. 

:-)

wrong perception

as a gay person, i always get all sorts of comments from my straight friends/ siblings/ relatives that reflect their misperception about single persons. here's some examples...

• you are single, thus you are richer as you have less financial responsibilities. this cannot be more wrong. yes i am single, but hey, becos i am single, i have to single handedly shoulder the full responsibilities of financing my house, my car, my etc... whereas for you married people, you can share the load! damned!
• you are single, your overheads are less, eg your electricity bills are less. err... sorry hor, a house is a house. regardless of whether 1, 2, 3 of more people stay, the electric needed to run a fridge or a lamp, or water heater is the same. also, when it comes to paying bills, singles have to shoulder it single-handedly (just like above).
• you are single, thus it will be easier for you to take care of mum (or dad for that matter). halo! i am single, all the more i need time to socialize! i need time out for myself! comparatively speaking, you married people have families and will therefore be easier to share responsibilities when i comes to looking after the elderly!

three of the most common becos you are single liners. damned. how very wrong you married people are/ can be.

of good sons & cleanliness

over the weekend, mum seemed pretty ok. and interestingly, these 2 days, there were at least 2-3 occasions where people came up to her and said, that one your son is it? good son. first, it happened at east point yesterday when i walked her after dinner. a lady pushing a cart with her dog inside walk alongside us and asked her the question. mum looked at the lady and answered ya ya ya... and mum smiled when she heard the lady mentioned about me being a good son. and this morning, it happened again at the hawker center. we were seated beside a lady in tudung. after i locked the wheelchair wheels and went to get food for her, the tudung lady said the same thing to mum again. mum narrated the incident to me later...

and oh, i forgot to mention. mum wanted to eat you char kueh and i went to the store to get it. but it had ran out of it. tudung lady noted it and was so nice. she offered us her you char kueh instead. so sweet right? well as for me, i took it and thanked her for it. as for mum, interestingly, after tudung lady left, mum asked if the you char kueh is clean. of cos it is, i said, and to prove to her it is so, i ate half of it and pass the other half to her. well, i could actually interpret her clean word in two ways - "clean" as in "spic and span" uncontaminated clean, or "clean" as in "no black magic spells" clean. knowing mum, her mind can go both ways, especially the latter interpretation cos for her generation, there is this constant suspicions against malays as they always believe malays like to dabble in black magic... quite funny actually.

venting

i sometimes ask myself if, being gay, i have to shoulder the full responsibilities of taking care of my elderly parents. and i am asking this not becos i am doing it, but also becos i notice this is happening to many of my friends. and i also see some sort of trend whereby our married siblings have all sorts of excuse about having to take their family factors into considerations and as such have their xyz reasons for not being able to look after our elderly parents. this, of cos, is the selfish side of me talking. ultimately, taking care of my own parent is my responsibilities. but really, when help is needed, i get no support whatsoever from any of my siblings.

for a start, my eldest sis is not on talking terms with me. and all this becos i threatened her when she tried to force convert my dad to christainity on his death-bed. and till today, she continue to hold the grudge against me. as for my second sis, i get all sorts of excuses from her. excuses to not do the simplest of all things, such as giving a call to my mum to talk to her or to ask about her well-being. and even if it is as simple as getting a pack of dinner if i have to work late, she would come to the house super duper late. and my mum would be left hungry. sorry, i am very busy, and that is it, or, my daughters this or my daughters that... you know my issues, i cannot let her come to my house, they will complain she is this or that... ok, ok, ok... no worries. i will take care of everything. no questions asked. no judgment - ok, as for no judgment, i must admit it is not really a case of totally no judgment on my part. i would rather put it as - i have given up on you people! as for my brother... he seemed a little more understanding these days. then again, he will at times throw all sorts of accusations at me for not taking care of my mum well. sighs... perhaps it is becos mum, in her bad state of mind, has been talking all sorts of negative things to him about me. and he will end up threatening me... all too familiar cos that was exactly what he did when i looked after my dad. ironic cos in the first place, he was the one who threw them out of his house and left them with no place but to stay with me.

sighs... ok, i am simply venting. not feeling too good these days. not too sure why. perhaps it is the stress of looking after my mum and the feeling that i have no more time for myself. or perhaps it is due to my impending change of job (although i do not think so), or perhaps i am feeling stressed by bee's trips overseas, which he refused to go into details, or perhaps it is just a combination of everything. ok, i better stop here. have not been sleeping well these couple of nights. had stay almost awake whole of last night wondering why bee did not call back or who was he with. he has never in our 8 years together not been uncontactable for more than 30hours... and i have tried calling him so many times i have lost count. he has just returned and acted like as though nothing has happened.

i feel like vomiting now. damned. i should try to get some sleep.

mind fxxked!

the mind is a dangerous organ. it wonders and conjures up all sorts of very negative possibilities when one is lonely. trying to stay sane but there are just too many things going through in my mind now. frequent last minute overseas trips that crosses weekends, business trips that always involve so many people, phone seemed to always spoil at the "right" time, cannot call through, sms no replies, never take leave... 

ok, my mind is just too active.

gay butcher

bee and i used to have breakfast at the marine terrace hawker center some years back. and after breakfast, we would do our marketing at the adjoining market. and there was this young (ok, in his mid-late 20s) chap who helped his dad sell pork there. and whenever he sees us, he would call out to us in an extra friendly manner. he is what one would describe as a bengish person. quite cute. interesting. bee and i had always suspect he was gay. it was not just becos he paid special attention to us, but rather, his overall mannerism as well as his turn out and dressing. imagine a butcher assistant spotting a pony tail, dons a bandana, wears sleeveless muscle tees, and has a well toned, buffed up body with arms that all gay men yearn for! can almost imagine a fantasy porn clip right? heh heh... his dad passed on about 2 years back and now he owns the store. he is a lot more mature now and spots a neat and short haircut. these days, he wears sleeved t-shirts (usually the body hugging type) and matching berms. very trendy and very unusual for a butcher. otherwise, nothing has changed. he still calls out to people and he still flirts with us whenever we visit the market. of course, we enjoy his attention. and while we suspected his sexuality, we didn't really care nor try to verify it. after all, each of us has our lives to live. but certainly - a gay ah beng butcher, how interesting right? bee and i gave him a nickname. we called him zhu rou rong... or "porky rong", don't ask why the name rong, it just sounded nice and appropriate.

bee and i last visited the market around lunar new year this year and that was the last time we met him. and today, after visiting the clinic with mum, we decided to have our breakfast at the hawker center. as we ate, i noticed quite a few young assistant butchers walking pass my table (towards the smoking area). i didn't care much. these must be the sons of all the other butcher uncles. time flies and a new generation of butchers are in the making, i thought. halfway through breakfast, mum said she wanted to have roast pork for lunch and asked to be wheeled to the roast pork store (which was located behind zhu rou rong's store). and as i walked towards zhu rou rong's store, i realized all the young assistant butchers are his! wohh! meat store indeed (in more than one ways!) and as i approach the store, zhu rou rong saw me and shouted out in cantonese "wa! so long never see you already! where did you go to?" i smiled and replied "been busy, no time". well, cantonese is not a language that i can converse comfortably in and my sentence came out a little off-tone, i thought. but what caught me off-guard was his next reply. a reply that made all the neighbouring aunties turned and looked at him... he shouted out "no time? chey... you got married to someone is it? (har? mou tark harn? chey... lei kar chor yarn ah-marr?)" and he laughed...

well, you cannot really feel the punch of this sentence when written/ translated into english, but in cantonese it sounded really weird. every one just seemed stunned and it was silent for that very short moment. but thankfully, they recovered and aunties simply smiled. i bought the roast pork and wheeled my mum along. that was when zhu rou rong noticed my mum. and from his sudden change in behaviour, tone and facial expression, it was quite clear he felt a little embarrassed with his remark. i just smiled, wished him good bye and continued my marketing. heh heh... my only conclusion from this whole episode is - yes, zhu rou rong is indeed gay.

picture from http://www.cracked.com

national cynicism

recently, the prime minister launched this so called "national conversation" initiative. this initiative was meant to discuss what people would view the country to be like 20 years down so that policies can be shaped and move towards this vision. in theoretical team building lingo, this is what we would term visioning process. and to be successful, it must involve all stakeholders. in the lingo of 7 habits of effective leaders, this is part of habit number 2 "begin with the end in mind". it is about collaborative visioning. such practice is often cited as ideal but very difficult to put into practice because of the enormous amounts of efforts to get the process going.

many academics and researchers have also proved that the value of such a process lie not only in the clarity of the end-state (which is seldom fully realized due to many assumptions made with regards environmental factors) but also, the process itself helps to bring out issues that matters and allow different stakeholders to appreciate and understand the magnitude and complexities of the issues involved. and through this process, some alignment of thoughts and bonds can arise, regardless of individual's stand. in short, the process of the conversation itself is almost as important, if not more important, as the end-state. but the catch is this, in any conversation, there is a need for open mindedness. and i am not sure if all stakeholders can be so. also, there will be people who focus on the everything else other than the issues. these are often the cynics. they are the detractors. they make a lot of noise and always miss the point.

anyway, i was pleasantly surprised when the "national conversation" was announced. it takes balls of steel to do so given that the views of 5 million people would be highly complex. to launch this process, the first engagement was televised. lots of topics was surfaced and noted. and these topics were rather diverse and interesting. it provides the tone of the many conversations that would occur across the nation. it would involve a diverse range of groups that could be politically affiliated or otherwise, sector-centric, at the community-level, grassroot-level, etc. 

and as expected, i see people focusing things like the composition of the first engagement rather than the issues. i see online web-communities bitching about this, about whether the first engagement is a ruling party engagement or a national engagement, etc. initially, i was rather taken aback too. but on reflecting, i realized that it is people that makes the country. and people would have different focus. and some of these focus might miss the issue altogether. and some of these views might distract people from the crux of the matter itself - the issues and the conversation, and most importantly, the process. it is very sad and very disappointing to see my fellow citizens spiral into such state of mind. 

but well, i supposed this is part of the engagement process. we only need to note their presence and then carry on with the engagement.

ps: in the last general election, the government's engagement (or the perceived lack of it) was a huge issue. and now, when there is an effort on the government's part to do so, we get cynics making all sorts of remarks... sighs...

picture from http://sparrowflights.blogspot.sg/2011/07/cynic-ism.html

mc

given 2 days mc. but i doubt i can rest.  mum decided not to go rehab but to stay at home when she knew i was given time to rest... time to go grocery shopping! need to prepare the day's meals...

sick

after days of feeling uncomfortable, the cough and the cold finally hit me bad today. started having phlegm and cough real violently. argh! and it's the same for mum. after 2 weeks of minor cough, her condition turned bad today. sighs. i could have gotten the bug from her... but whatever.... we are both at the clinic now.

picture from http://blog.wikimedia.org/tag/downtime/

extend?

my immediate boss threw me an interesting question yesterday. he asked if i could extend at least a month to help him tide over this "difficult period"... i told him i will think about it. but frankly, in my mind, i was thinking, come on, this so called difficult period was created by you. come on, i purposely planned my departure early oct so that i can avoid the whole month cos i can expect shit to happen, balls to drop, haywire to occur... all becos you had time and again refused to give the go ahead to get resources...

i must be crazy to extend, i thought. i told my staff about this and similarly he laughed. interestingly he added, sir, he is crazy to ask you to extend. if i were you, i would leave on a high (as it is now)... don't give him chance to put the blame on you when things start to fall apart...

and that is exactly what i am gonna do!

dreams

this morning, when i woke up, mum gave me that "look at you from the side of the eye" look. and from her facial expression, i knew something was wrong... i tried to talk to her but she seemed rather unwilling to talk. and when i asked if she had taken her breakfast, she said yes, then she added, i am not hungry. something was really wrong, i thought. and i tried to cajoule her to talk... it was difficult, but in the end, she started her typical swearing by god lines the gods in the heavens knows me, i do not harm people, heaven have eyes... and she continued rattling. 

i spoke calmly with her. yes, of cos heavens have eyes. do tell me what is troubling you. are you angry with something? or are you not happy with me? do you want to eat something? are you feeling ok? and i went on. she continued her unhappy rantings. and then she said what i dreamt of is so true after all... hmmm... ok, dreams again, i thought. and i tried to probe. she opened her mouth but stopped. and she said she cannot tell me. i offered her some food? she refused. i offered her the yam bread that i bought for her yesterday. again she refused. and i suggested throwing it away since she didn't want. and she agreed! (damned!) then she added, throw all the food away. in fact, she asked me to throw away all the food that was on the table and in the kitchen... mooncakes, fruits, etc... kinda freakish cos she is one person who will never ever throw any food away. of cos, in recent months, she had discarded things given by my sister-in-law as she suspected my sister-in-law had cast some spells onto it. she was convinced that eating them would kill her...

anyway, what happened this morning was weird. i decided to give her all the assurance i could and reminded her to take care of herself...  i left for work after that. through the day, i called her several times. she seemed ok. and by the time i got to dinner time, she was almost ok. 

hopefully, she does not dream of anything tonight.

hurray

the team-building well superbly well today. despite my bad throat and runny nose, i managed to keep the workshop going smoothly. the much anticipated confrontation that my boss had expected did not happen, and that his earlier doubts over my ability to manage the workshop were unfounded. on the contrary, it went so well that one of my big bosses came to me and told me to set up a business and he will invest in my business... he said he could see my passion in doing what i did and that he would like to back me up in it.

haha... coming from a big boss who is well known for being hard to please and very harsh, i must say it was a superbly great endorsement. but no, i know myself best. i am not cut up for businesses. a good teacher may not be a good businessman selling teaching business. and so, i think i will continue to do what i do best, train/ educate and... inspire.

:-)

picture from http://medicalschoolblog.com/others/congratulations-you-have-matched

falling sick again

my throat has been working up and it has been feeling somewhat tight over the past couple of days. and today, my nose started getting runny, really really runny. i am not sure if i can last for the next couple of days, but for sure, i have to control and manage things. i have to conduct team-building for my company on tuesday and the last thing is for me to be down on that day...

i may have tendered my resignation and have less than 3 weeks to go before my last day, but i still need to make sure things go smoothly and that i do not drop any of my responsibilities...

think i'll take some puritons and sleep.

monday is coming!

arghhh!

imprisoned

i realized that gradually, i am imprisoned by my mum. i cannot be out of her sights. she would get all worked up when i do so. and when i leave her alone in the house for 2 consecutive days during dinner time, she would go all berserk. and i would have to spend the rest of the day or two managing her and trying to get her back to sanity again... it's very tiring. but as of now, i am kinda getting used to it. then again, i am not sure how this is gonna last. one thing for sure, my relationship and frequency of meeting up with bee had been affected drastically. previously, he would stay over half the week, but now, he cannot even come over. and i cannot get out of the house. and at most, we can only meet each other for 5-10min at the car park when i bring the dog to pee at night. 

how?

picture from http://sambilano.blogspot.sg/2012/08/man-beaten-threatened-to-be-killed-and.html

my bonnie

a song that never fail to bring me back to my primary school days...

"my bonnie lies over the ocean" is a traditional scottish folk song that was widely taught to primary school children in the 70s and 80s locally. The word "bonnie" is a scots term for attractive and can refer to either an attractive boy or girl (ie bonnie lad, or bonnie lass). it probably comes from "baine" which is gaelic for "milk." it'd refer to fair skin. here's a more solemn version... then again, listening to this version somehow reminds me of pet shop boys, their song "go west" perhaps. and from that angle, this version of my bonnie sounds a little gay to me.... lol!

whew

the day wore on... and she continued her nonsense and depressed state. and thankfully, by early evening, she began to open up a little. and by dinner time, she was ok enough to join in for dinner. and this was surprising cos she had never ever taken any food from my brother's household since she walked out of it last june. well, i supposed my brother's daughter cheered her up a bit... and the fact that we all stayed at home and did not go out gave her the confidence that we were not ill-treating her...

and after dinner, she decided to head home with me.

she is asleep now.

blocked

this is what i wrote in my facebook update...

"in the coming days, i will be blocking some of you in fb for consistently posting things that are cynical. either i block you or i get depressed with your negativity. if you find yourself being blocked, i do not apologize, and please do not take it personal. if you want to like this comment, this is your last chance before i block you... :-) "

for my own sanity.

no apologies.

again...

well, my mum is at it again. for whatever reasons, i woke up today and she gave me a very unhappy look and insisted she did not want breakfast. and them she went to pack her stuff and said she wanted to visit my brother. said she'll take a cab herself. took me a while to convince her to have me drive her there. and at my brother's place, again, she refused food and said she had prayed to god and that she is now on full day vegetarian diet. and she added that she wants to stay in the temple and that she has had a bad life and people around her are ill-treating her... 

well, you get the idea. let's see what happens later. hopefully, she can calm down and go home. else, it's gonna be an interesting day...

pandas

i love pandas!

i was so happy when they announced that we would be getting 2 of them here sometime back and even joined in the contest to name them. but the wait was long and the novelty wore off. but on the built up to the 6 sep, i started to feel really excited again. finally! when they touched down on sep 6, i found myself watching the live streaming of the plane landing with kai kai and jia jia inside. felt so good. felt so proud. rather overwhelmed in fact. overwhelmed for the fact that as a small little red dot, we have punched above our weight internationally to be able to have our own pandas (on loan regardless due to endangered status of the pandas that prevents china from giving away pandas), and can hold ourselves up high as we stand alongside the red giant.

well, on a lighter side, i have always been well-known for my eye bags. in fact, my staff have gotten so used to it that it had become my trademark. the size of my eye bags can be described as big, bigger or biggest, depending on how stress i get! lol... and at one time when i joked about removing my eye bags (actually i was quite serious 'cept that they did not know about it!), one staff told me, sir, don't, don't. you actually look quite cute with your eye bags... damned! coming from a straight guy, i was sure his judgment was all screwed. and recently, i told them - aiyoh, we spend a million for each panda for 10 years, quite expensive... why not just have me, xin xin (my chinese name), singapore's very own panda, foc. then again, better not. certainly not keen to have myself being put through some breeding program... 

heh heh...

ps: and oh, just realized tomorrow is kai kai's birthday! happy birthday kai kai aka onion head (pic above)!

first picture from straitstimes online
second picture from http://www.capitalandinside.com/index.php/panda-journey/1167-panda-ring-to-special-needs
third picture from river safari facebook page http://www.facebook.com/wrs.sg

the kitten

i read the post by aiden about a little kitten and how he couldn't find it after leaving it for a while. and i decided to write a comment about the kitten being possibly devoured by some cruel cats... heh heh... and as to be expected, it upset aiden... he is such a compassionate soul with such tender and loving heart for cute young things (men included!) haha... anyway, he sent me some smses this morning and asked why i was so mean... heh heh... 

but oh, the reason why i blog this entry is becos this whole episode about kittens reminded me of one regretful incident back in 1993 (or 1994?)... anyway, this was what happened. at that time, i was posted to bukit gombak and i would go for runs almost every evening. it also happened that one of my colleague, who was a commando, also loved to run and would join me for my runs. and this friend, just like all commandos i know, was a little salah in his head...

one evening, we decided to run at east coast park. and to avoid having to u-turn and run back the same track, what we planned was for me to park my car at one end of east coast, and we would then jump onto his car and he would drive all the way to the other end of east coast. this was with the intention to then run back to my car and that i would drive us both back to his car (make sense?)... don't ask me why, but that was how crazy we were about running... anyway, that was what we did. 

by the time i parked my car and he started driving, it was already 7-plus... the sky was getting dark. and as he drove, we talked and laughed. and to get to the other end of east coast park fast, he decided to take the east coast parkway (expressway) and exited at marine parade road. as he exit (at a speed of about 80-90km/hr), a kitten dashed out of the bushes onto the road. and once it dashed, it turned its head and saw our car coming, our headlights shining right into its eyes. and it froze right there in the middle of the road. the kitten was so small, but for that moment, its wide eyes and slit pupil was all i saw. and in the split second, the whole world came to a stand still. all sounds disappeared. it was just pure silence. and next thing i knew, the kitten's face disappear and i heard a cr-r-r-r-ack sound... 

my friend ran over the kitten. 

it was crushed under the wheels of the car... i was totally horrified. slowly, i came to my senses and my friend's chatter and laughter came back into focus. i asked if he realized what he just did... and jokingly, he said he did and that the kitten had dirtied his car... what the... it took me a while to recover. but that face of the kitten before it was crushed haunted me for quite a while... and frankly till this day, i still remembered that look of fear.

"to the resident"

i don't know why people bother to do this... but whenever i receive any letters in my letter box addressed to "the resident", i throw it away. to me, everyone named "the resident" lives in the dustbin and since it is addressed to "the resident", the letter must have been mistakenly send to me!

jeeee... 

the "commitment" to deny me my sexuality

this post is a continuation of what i wrote sometime back about my being outed by the armed forces in 2005. in this post, i focus on what happened after my interrogation... read on...

after that fateful full-day interrogation, many things changed... for a start, i felt totally different. somehow, it was a great sense of relief. yet on the other hand, there was a sense of uncertainty. i was sure major changes would unfold in the days to come. but for that moment, i just wanted to head home and sleep. as arranged, i would be required to head back to the security department to make my "commitments"... and that we agreed would occur the following week after my trip to bkk with bee.

fast forward to after my bkk trip. i was back in that security department again. i was asked to write a commitment. and becos of my conversation with "d", i had expected what they would want me to commit myself to. and so, even before the whole conversation started, i told them i would observe the necessary restrictions that they hoped i would commit myself to, within reasonable limits. for a start, they wanted me to stop any communications with all, yes, all my gay friends. i was to stop all contacts and relationships with anyone gay. i refused to. to do so would isolate me and kill me. to do so would turn my into a robot. i negotiated. i asked them how they would feel if they were to be asked to stop contacting any of their friends, their relatives and their family. i supposed it hit mr. yee. he agreed that i could continue and that they would not press me to do so. the conversation lasted half a day (?), i agreed in the end to the following commitments "voluntarily", which were put into writing. the main gist of this commitment were that the measures were to limit my exposure to the gay scene and to ensure the department is kept in the loop of my whereabouts when i leave the country. in another words, the commitments were meant to restrict me and to make me behave "responsibly" in their words... some of the commitments were:

• i would not put any of my photos in any gay websites, social media and any other websites that would compromise my identity as a gay regular serviceman
• i would not visit any places (sauna, clubs, bars, etc) that gay men frequent, regardless of whether these places are local or overseas
• whenever i head overseas, i would keep them posted of where i go to, and who i go with

mr. yee read what i wrote and in a show of understanding, he asked that i insert the words "as long as i were in service" to my commitments. i thought that was nice of him. again he said he could only help me that much and that he was only doing what he was supposed to do. he also explained that they were doing that as the gay men are pushing the limit "too much" for the organization's comfort. i understood. don't kill the pigeon, he is only a messenger. the issue is the organisation. anyway, i was told that i should keep all that had happened in the last 2 weeks (the call, the interrogation, etc) a secret and that i should not talk to anyone about it. i told him i couldn't do it for i had already told many of my friends. he was shocked but there was nothing he could do about it. mr. yee also assured me that he (or they) would support my desire to stay in service until i retire in 3-plus years' time. nonetheless, mr. yee highlighted that i could expect some downstream actions to be done. for a start, my masters programmes would be revoked, and that my security clearance would be immediately removed. i would also be posted out of my position to somewhere non-classified. and to end the conversation, i was given another warning - that i would be hauled back to the department for further questioning (read - interrogation) and to be put through the polygraph (aka lie detector) tests, if any areas in my statements were found to be any less than 100% truthful, or if i were to be found not to have observed my commitments.

with this negotiated stand, i signed the commitments. and with my signature, i had lost my freedom to be a gay person.

i was arranged to talk to the security department's dy director subsequently. i couldn't recall much of the conversation. but i knew i was a lot more stable and more composed of myself by then. thinking back, i remembered sounding a little defiant when i spoke with him. if i recalled correctly, part of the conversation revolved around the need to maintain security and safeguard the organization, about the need to be pre-emptive and not allow what happened to the education ministry happen to the armed forces (that was the period where a few teachers were found guilty of molesting boys), that as a national institution, they could not risk jolting parent's confidence if they were to find out that their sons in national service were interacting with or worst, led by gay officers. one more point was added (i couldn't recall if the dy director or mr. yee told me this), that the systematic witch hunt started late-2004 after the authorities banned the fridae-organized snowball and that a military themed party organized that made them very very uncomfortable. they felt it had gone too far and that it would undermine mindef's position if nothing was done. to me, all these did not make sense. and for those parts that i could understand, i could not accept. at one part of the conversation, i recalled asking him how he would view a person who has a wife, and children, and one day, cheated on his wife by having affairs outside. i asked if he would probably pass it off as normal and that what i described was nothing short of what normal tv soap operas would show. he nodded. and i added, what if the person in question and his wife were both men? i asked if his perception of this whole episode had changed? and before he could answer, i iterated that this change in perception was not becos of any moral judgment on the man's infidelity but rather the fact that the characters involved were homosexuals... that this whole treatment to gay service persons was nothing more than homophobia? 

nonetheless, the conversation did not last very long. whatever they need to put me through, they had done so. and my fate had been sealed. frankly, when i look back, a lot of things seemed a blur to me now... i supposed my spiral into depression, the onset of my epilepsy, and the many other happenings after this whole episode significantly affected my memory... but well, i do recall the major occurrences. and my blogging did helped me recall quite a few of the things that happened.

i served my commitments and some three and a half years later, left the military. that, in a huge way, was my resurrection as a gay person, that for the first time in my life, i was able to do what i want without having to inform them about what i did...

ppt poisoning

saw this in the net and thought it was really funny. more importantly, i thought i brought out an important point - use slides to help you bring across a message, don't let the slide be the message by itself. and so, i forwarded it to all my trainers. they need to sharpen on this part of their training skill...

picture from http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2000-08-16/

bbq-ed

was a superbly busy day for me yesterday. non-stop activities since breakfast... marketing, cleaning ingredients, preparing food,  cleaning the house, brought my mum to visit my brother's place before finally  putting the bbq together. haha... by the time my friends arrived, i was already dead. anyway, i had organized a bbq to celebrate the birthdays of a couple of my uni friends. great to see them catching up and hearing their laughters. as for me... haha... i was too shagged out to talk during the bbq. was i was also busy running up and down to check on my mum... 

(germs, if only you were here!)

new pen-pals

i posted a link of this blog in a local gay forum website and surprisingly, i got 2 persons writing to me asking to share further. well, since then, we have exchanged a couple of mails. and i must say, one of them is more than half my age and the other in his early 30s. and common to both are that they are in the early stages of accepting their sexuality. that is an interesting and sometimes rather difficult period for most of us. and it is certainly very nice to be able to share my perspectives with them. 

glad to have made 2 new friends.

:-)

character check

i got a call from the headhunter mid-week. this is less than a week after my second interview. hi, i have good news for you she said. the company has decided to invite you for an interview with the top man... but before we proceed, we need to sort out the details of your information and history, and we need to do a thorough character check on you. can you confirm that the names listed in your application forms are correct? we will be calling them (my boss and my subordinate) to do a check on you soon....

oops... i thought. worried, i felt. technically, i have not told them i have tendered. and so, the company that interviewed me did not know about it... so, i decided to tell the headhunter and the advice was - no worries. as long as your reasons for tendering is legitimate and that your boss, during the check, did not say anything negative about you, then it is ok. hmmm... ok to cut the long story short, the character reference checks all went well. according to the headhunter, my boss did not say anything negative. and my subordinate also gave quite a good account of my strengths... (and of cos when asked about my weaknesses, he said my strengths are also my weaknesses.... i leave it to them to interpret...).

so, let's hope the interview with the top man materialize and that i do not face any hurdles...

uncle & auntie @ hawker center

yesterday, as i wheeled my mum towards the hawker center for breakfast, i noted that the usual table for handicapped persons was not occupied by the usual sam ku lok por. quite a refreshing change actually. instead, it was occupied by an elderly uncle and a slightly younger auntie. as i arrived, i stopped and looked around for a table. and clearly, uncle and auntie must have felt awkward to be seated at a table reserved for handicapped. uncle then called out to me and tell me in fluent english... there are a few tables for handicapped persons at the other end of the hawker... i nodded, smiled and continued to look around. in my mind, i was thinking it would have been more straight forward for him to give up the table! (considering he was only drinking coffee)... anyway, from his few words, i thought uncle must be peranakan. i smiled. and uncle repeated his sentence. i said i am buying coffee from that stall... and decided to get my mum to move out of the wheelchair to sit with a family on a table beside the uncle and auntie... this is where things get interesting...

auntie then started talking in hokkien, not the peranakan hokkien (as i had assumed after uncle spoke english) but instead "ah-lian" hokkien... auntie gave a running commentary of everything i did! oh, the son is helping the mother sit on the normal chair, oh, the son is holding his mother's hand, oh, the mother can actually stand up... na, na, na, you see, the wheelchair can be folded, and ya, the mother is seated at the table,... and she went on and on.... even after i bought the you char kuih and broke it into pieces for mum... auntie just went on and on... see, the son is now getting the you char kuih for the mother... wah ranz... i am literally hearing my life story being narrated as i live my life lor...

lol...

is this what people will become when they get to that age? i hope i don't...

hawker center

i bring my mum to the same hawker center on weekends weekly. and as she's wheel chair bounded, we would sit at the corner of the hawker center. and that is where the handicap tables are. well, bad english, no, not that the tables are handicapped, i am referring to tables for handicap persons. these are tables that do not come with chairs and that it is located right at the corner of the hawker center so that it is easily accessible by handicapped persons on wheelchair. well, this is where it's interesting... 

in my many many times there, i have never been able to get that table for my mum. and the reason is this - because it is located at the corner and it is next to a coffee stall, it became the favourite site for all the sum ku lok por and the uncles who join in the usual morning gossip sessions... well, of cos, these days, the sum ku lok por are no longer the ah mas of the old days... they are largely aunties in their 40s-50s and they would yak in a mix of hokkien, teochew, sometimes cantonese and a splatter of bad broken english... and their conversation would revolve around who's who marry who's who, whose children dating who, and of cos, their favourite topic - 4d, horse racing, toto, and everything and anything related to gambling... 

interesting bunch of people!

kenah cruised

yesterday, i had lunch at toa payoh... and i kenah cruised... by a woman! doh! second time in my life that i actually see a woman so openly cruising a guy. and from my perspective, it felt so wrong. and worst still,  this woman is one helluva ugly (sorry but i do admit i sound mean here)...

am i supposed to be happy or sad?

lol!

being "interviewed" by msd

i was interrogated by the military security department for being gay in may 2005. read on...

during the call, i was asked to go for the "interview" 2 days later. as arranged, i was to report to the department at 8.30am. i arrived early. and nervously, i made my way up to the office. 5th floor, i reminded myself. when the lift opened, i was faced with a glass door. press the door-bell and wait for a response i recalled the lady remind me. i did exactly that and waited. and soon enough a staff appeared and led me through a cold dead-looking corridor. and i was shown to a small equally cold feeling room. i was asked to take a seat while i await from my "interviewers". the room was simply furnished. a table with a desktop, and 2 chairs facing me. that was it. and in my rather nervous state of being, i felt cold. i felt isolated. i imagined "d" going through this and i could imagine how nervous he had felt. not long after, 2 guys appeared.

a large cream colored 3-4" thick file with a red "x" crossed over the file cover diagonally was slammed onto the table in front of me. on the file was my name. intimidating tactic, i thought. still standing, they looked down on me and one of them introduced himself (let's call him mr. y) and his partner. and he went on to say "my rank & name, you know why we asked you here? it is in your interest to be truthful to us, for if you are not, there would be consequences that you would have to face...". well, of cos that was not the exact words used, but that was the gist of his message. it was quite intimidating frankly, but i refused to show any nervousness. much as i had hope it was not an "outing" session, his words and high handed tone told me this was it. well, i had done nothing wrong and there's nothing i should be afraid of. i am what i am and i am proud of what mother nature had bestowed onto me and the last thing i wanted to do was to be afraid to face up to someone who now questions me and my sexuality. and so confidently i answered. "yes, and if you are asking if i am homosexual, yes i am" i said.

he was caught off-guard by my immediate admission. and sensing my willingness to co-operate with their interrogation, mr. y's tone relaxed. and that was how the so called "interview" started. it was done verbally and lasted over 4 hours. mr. y did most of the questioning while his partner, who was more junior, looked on. the interview covered everything about me, my sexuality, and my life as a gay man. reflecting, i could segment the interrogation into 3 parts.

the first part was about me and my whole history of my personal life as a gay person. the questions asked ranged from from how i found out about my sexuality, my coming out process, how i experimented with gay sex, how many sex partners i had, whether i am top or bottom, and so on. where did you pick people up? where did you have sex? did you have sex at the swimming pool? did you have sex in your car, did you... the questions came. fast and furious. and i remembered vividly this particular question: how many persons did you have sex with? i paused. what a question, i thought! who in the right frame of mind keep track of people they had sex with!? and he added, ok, i shall put more than 20, although i know it was more. i thought this response was uncalled for. anyway, the questioning went on to also cover details of james and bee. by then, it was clear to me they had done all their homework, that they had monitored my life (as well as james and bee) and knew where they stayed, our daily routines, where we worked and so on... and from what mr. y said of the examples of what we do as a routine, it was very clear that the information dug up was very fresh and very recent. and then mr. y went on to ask me to say out their names explicitly so that they can affirm what i said to be true. 

the second part was about me as a gay military person, or more specifically, my behaviour in camp. questions asked ranged from whether i had preyed on boys in camp, whether i could ever be professional in my course of duty (in view of all the young boys around me), etc etc etc. through this part of the interrogation, there were quite a few threats thrown at me. did you have sex with gay men when you were deployed overseas? did you go to porn shops? did you tell people you were working with the military when you meet them? are you very sure you are telling the truth? if at any one time we find you are not speaking the truth, we will not hesitate to put you through the polygraph test. do you still stand by what you said? and to them, the proof of my being unprofessional was the fact that i had placed my photo in fridae (for a short period of time), that i had dated james while i was in service, and so on. while i admit i had done what they said, i vehemently disagree to their accusations of "preying" and doing what i did with the intent of compromising the security of the organization. it was very upsetting to be asked such questions that threw doubts onto my professional conduct. if anything, i had made much efforts to segregate my personal self vs my professional self. and i had spend more than a third of my life in the armed forces with no negative records. 

as for the third part, it was pure witch-hunting. you are only one of the many gay persons we have on our records, specially, the words "tip of the iceberg" was used. we will be calling them up one by one. we hope you can co-operate with me and tell us who your gay friends are in the service. they kept going on at it. i refused to. it was not right. you want to interrogate me, you want to expose me, please do so. but do not make me tell you things about my friends. i will not do so, i will not compromise my position even if you tell me it was my friends that had exposed me. (i later found that they had told others whom they called up that i had sabotaged them...)

if i were talking to a gay person sharing about my past, it would probably come naturally. but considering these were asked to me in a super clinical environment and by 2 guys (straight i was sure), who could possibly be homophobic, it felt superbly wrong, discriminating and absolutely humiliating. but after a while, it was not difficult. i supposed when one gets sufficiently humiliated, one will hit a threshold where there is no more sense of self. i was there and i just answered whatever they asked to the best of my knowledge. the principles i upheld through the 4-hour long interrogation were (1) speak the truth, honesty is the best policy, and what i say will be accurate, and consistent, no one will be able to find fault when i speak the truth (2) do not compromise other people's identity and put them or their jobs at risk. and i left the rest to fate. que sera sera.

after the interrogation, i was given another surprise. just when i thought i was done, mr. y told me that i had to now put what i had said the whole morning into writing. he switched on the desktop and asked me to write a statement. i was a little pissed off frankly. i was already feeling somewhat drained and now had to go through the whole process of writing what i had told them the whole morning. i didn't have a choice but i indirectly told them off - come on, through the whole morning, you have asked so many things and i am very sure you would have filmed and possibly recorded when i said. so why don't you just transcribed all the you have recorded and make it as proof and record of my statement? mr. y and his partner looked surprised and was somewhat taken aback by my response. nonetheless, he just smiled and said i had to do it. well... i spend the rest of the afternoon typing everything down. if i recalled correctly, it was an 8-page statement (or was it 10?), less the few additional pages of q&a. of cos, while they left me to write my statement alone, they did at least make sure i got my lunch. rice with stewed chicken and egg, i remembered.

close to the end of the day, the mr. y came back. he went through quickly what i typed. this time round, he sounded really very nice and very understanding. he said he understood the difficulty i had gone through but he had to do what he did. he had no choice cos that was his work. finally, to close the interrogation, he told me that they had to put me through this to be fair to me (ya rite!). that i had just obtained my masters sponsorship and that if i were to proceed to attend the programme and get bonded, it would be difficult for me... and to protect the organization and to protect me (?), they wanted me to agree to write a commitment of sorts to ensure i "behave responsibly". and they would like me to visit the office again soonest possible to write the commitment. i told them i had planned for a short-getaway to bkk with bee. they did not sound too happy. i supposed this would compromise the so called recency effect of psychological shock to a person immediately after being interrogated for accordingly, when a person is still in shock, he or she would be most likely to sign or to commit to anything required of them. but they had no choice, they could not possibly change my travel plans and agreed to have the commitment writing done the following week. and at the same time, considering my seniority, they would also arrange for me to be interviewed by their deputy director...

i felt totally drained after the interrogation. but in a way, i felt a sense of release. i am now officially recognized as a gay person...

next the "commitment" to deny me my sexuality...

picture from https://4minutewriter.wordpress.com

sep 12

omg! it's sep 12 already! 8 months had passed!

not sure about you, but for me, time passed so so bloody slowly when i was a kid. chinese new years seemed to take forever to arrive... and now as an adult, time seemed to rush by. 

haiz...