2023 - Balancing Acts

This is my annual reflections ahead of the year end. I will leave for China tonight and I probably will not be able to pen my entry on New Year's Eve. 2023 has been an interesting - one that culminated in my decision to make a major change in my career direction. Let's have a run through on 2023.

Professional Life: Keeping the Future in Sight

I started 2023 wanting to improve my workplace conditions but in the end, made the decision to quit my job. I will leave my company end-Dec 23 after 7 full years and 4 different positions. It was a bitter sweet decision for me as objectively speaking, despite the highs and lows, I had had a relatively good 7 years. I had known that at some point in time, I will need to start preparing for my retirement. The lack of motivation in recent months due to the leaders, restructuring and frequent policy flip-flops hastened my decision to quit. I also realized that with my declining energy levels as I age, it would probably be a good time to initiate this process now. Lastly, I was getting too comfortable and needed to put myself into a state of discomfort so that I can push myself to re-establish myself in a new state of balance - one that I can sustain beyond my retirement age.

General Health: Same Old… Almost

There were a couple of health-related worries - a chest pain (cardiac-related) and another where I experienced flashing lights in my left eye. Both turned out to be a one-time off thing and the doctors attributed them to aging. Otherwise, it was the usual URTI issues that I get every couple of months. But I do note that since my COVID infection last year, simple a sore throat tend to drag on for days and develop into extended periods of flu these days. Not very comfortable. And I do see the same happening to people around me. I supposed this will be the new order of things and norm for all of us.

Physical Well-Being: Balancing Act (I)

Apart from the usual age-related pains, I managed to keep my health relatively stable. I had gone for my regular health, heart, kidney etc check-ups and were assured by the doctors/ specialists that I was well and stable. And I attribute this to the daily walks and fresh air that I insisted on even when I work late. Apart from that, I continued to keep my lifestyle balanced - no over-indulgences in anything - food, alcohol, etc. and to ensure I maintained my weight within a specific range. I could not afford to risk long term issues with short term over-indulgences. 

Mental Well-Being: Balancing Act (II)

I did relatively ok in managing my mental well-being this year. Objectively, I had my fair share of highs and lows this year in many aspects of my life - personal, relationship, friends, family, work, etc. Many a times, these threatened to derail my overall mental well-being. And similar to the physical health, there were numerous trade offs. A simple example would be - despite knowing my plans to leave the company (and where I will have no income), I decided to continue with my travel plans. But knowing the potential financial impact, I focused on regional locations that were relatively cheaper. Otherwise, being blessed with supportive family, friends and colleagues gave me the support I needed during moments when I needed it. 

Professional Life: A New Beginning

I started this reflection talking about my professional life and I would like to end it with the same. Since I made my decision to leave my job in the early part of the year, I have managed to get myself two professional certificates - one as a certified senior practitioner in the space I've been in since I left the military, and the other as a certified adult educator. Truth be told, my decision to leave my job also meant I have effectively decided to leave the industry that I had chosen to join since leaving the military. The certified senior professional status I attained was a personal target I set for myself - to know I am credible and can stand alongside many of my colleagues. For the latter, I do hope it help me open more doors in the times ahead. 

My thoughts might have come across as a little disorganised in this post. But that perhaps captured how my year went in both my professional and personal lives - ups and downs, positives and negatives. On hindsight, I can truly say that 2023 was a year where I did relatively ok, balancing between long and short term needs. I head into 2024 with the aim to reinvent myself. Not too sure what this journey will be like but I need to remind myself to keep healthy and well as I do so. Wish me luck!

I wish one and all a Merriest Christmas and a most Happy and Healthy 2024!

A slow but good start to 2023

This is my first actual post of 2023 and I want to call out some of the positives. They include:

• Will be making a trip to Hong Kong this coming CNY week. I really felt the itch to go overseas. Will spend 5 days there and we have made plans to climb the Lantau Peak. I am uncertain if I can still make it up the 934m peak but I’ll try. To give myself peace of mind, I included existing illness in my travel insurance in case I get any heart complications during the trip. Wish me luck. 

• Went for my cardio check up last week. It so happened that I had some stabbing chest pains lately and the cardiologist decided to put me on the treadmill after I told him of my impending trip. Despite missing a couple of heartbeats, I managed to continue running for 12min. This was 1min more compared to last years’ test. So, I passed the test and he cleared me for the trip!

• Spent some good time with a long time friend who returned from the States with his family late-Dec 22. During his 2-weeks here, I managed to meet up with him twice - once in a group setting with our fellow army friends and again with him alone for lunch. Despite the short duration of the meet ups, it felt good to be able to catch up face-to-face after 4 years. All too soon, he had to return home to San Jose, CA. 

• Went for 2 sessions of counseling in mid-Jan to help me manage my transition anxiety. One session was with the medical social worker and the other with a professional counsellor. The sessions were arranged to let me to experience the difference in the 2. I thought the private counsellor did a much better job. Objectively, I actually know what the issues were and what I needed to do. Nonetheless, the counseling sessions gave me an outlet to vent.

• On the work front, the boss went on an extended vacation. Together with the year end/ new year breaks, things at work were so much less stressful. And for the first time in the last 6-7 years, I was almost not involved in the annual planning exercise. As a result, much of my transition anxieties eased off. Let’s hope it stays this way.

Ok, those were some of the highlights over the last couple of weeks. 2023 started off relatively slow for all of us, given the extended holiday feel since last Christmas. Looking forward to my HK trip. Things will likely pick up after that. Happy Lunar New Year to all!

:-)

2022 - Contrast

I had reflected much mid-2022 and I will simply adapt from/ add on to the mid-year post. 2022 was a year where we slowly came to terms with life post-pandemic - a life that was somewhat similar to pre-COVID days but with many changes in the way we perceive things, and conduct our lives. Let's take a look at my 2022:

Health & Well-being

I wanted to focus on my health and well-being in 2022. Other than the COVID-19 infection in Jan 22 and the effects I continued to experience, my health remained relatively good - no relapse of kidney stones, heart remained stable, cleared my 3-/ 6-monthly health checks, got myself vaccinated & boosted, etc. I had also continued my daily walks and hikes to the central reserve areas. My mental well-being took centre stage this year. I took a 6-month sabbatical from Apr - Sep to get away from the workplace. Apart from giving myself the time and space to consolidate my life and finances, catch up with many friends, and travel, I was also able to rekindle quite a few hobbies such as macrame, crochet, and gardening. I also managed to travel out of country - something that I couldn't do during the pandemic. I went back to work in Oct 22, optimistic of the new role I would assume. The sabbatical did wonders to address the burn out I suffered. However, given the many changes at the workplace, the positive effects wore out very quickly. I ended the year with transition anxiety disorder. Despite the less than rosy end to the year, I thought I had handled my health and well-being relatively well in 2022 - the sabbatical, the continued walks, the stable health overall, etc. For 2023, I will continue to work hard on my health and well-being. 

Travels

The world gradually opened up in 2022. It was exciting to be able to travel again after being trapped on this tiny island for so many months. My first trip was to Malaysia in Feb 22. It was somewhat a blessing in disguise that I had COVID the month before for it allowed me to be exempted from some of the tests etc that were imposed both in Malaysia and Singapore. Since then, I had done 5 - 6 trips up north - including twice where I drove all the way up to Penang! Objectively, I'd prefer to head off to cold countries for holidays but that would mean having to pay for the airfares etc. So the next best alternative was to take trips to Malaysia as it has this 1970/ 80-easy going vibes that contrasts starkly with Singapore's ultra-modern and somewhat clinical and boring feel. The highlight of my travels was the trip in Jul/ Aug 22 where my partner and I spent a good 16 days in Scotland/ England. It was the longest trip for me in over 2-decades and we managed to cover many places that I had wanted to visit since my childhood days. The cold weather was a welcome change compared to the warm and humid Singapore! These trip contributed significantly to my health and mental well-being. For 2023, I will continue travelling!

Work-Life

Work happened in the first and last quarters of 2022. In between, I went on a 6-month work break to address my burn out (following a very difficult 2021) and to get the performance bonus I so deserved. During the sabbatical, I was able to spend good time by myself and achieved much things. I felt much energised after the sabbatical. Regrettably, whatever positive effects I got from the sabbatical dissipated within a month or two after I returned to work. Without going too much details, let’s just say I have a boss whose promises of resources and support were nothing but lip service. I now have a lot of work but no one to help me. It didn't help that the office I returned to was relatively foreign-feeling with a lot of new colleagues and processes. It's not a good place to end the year with. This was one major factor that contributed to my transition anxiety disorder. Unless things improve, I will have to rethink the way ahead professionally and possibly make some hard decisions in 2023. Let's cross the bridge when the time comes. For 2023, I will seek better workplace conditions for myself.

Me & My Family

I had much time to catch up with myself over the course of the year. This was due to the extended periods of times when my partner returned to his home country and during my sabbatical where I spend most of the day to myself. But I was not lonely. I was able to catch up with my hobbies, reflect on and consolidate my life, and catch up with many colleagues and friends, etc. It was certainly most energising. Life with my partner had its ups and downs but on the whole, it was stable. He changed his job towards the end of the year and together with my returning to work, there was quite a major shift in our routines. I supposed this also contributed to the transition stress for me. On the family-front, my relationship with my eldest sis improved. There were more contacts and I made a visit to her place mid-year. Her second daughter (my niece) had also invited me to her upcoming wedding end-Jan 2023. Other than that, things with my second sis and the extended family (my paternal aunts/ uncle) were as normal as it could possibly be. There were the usually meals, visitations, sharing of home cooked food, etc. But one thing was clear, with each passing year, everyone of us are getting on with age. My aunts/ uncle are in their 70s/ 80s. My eldest sis is also down with some health issues. I wish them health and that they will live for many more years. For 2023, I will continue playing my role - as a partner, brother, cousin, nephew, uncle, or for that matter, granduncle - well.

My Friends

I was more selective with who I wanted to spent time with. Life is too short to give my energies to people whom I feel did not trust me. This sentence described my attitudes towards my friends in 2022. It was not usual for me - a person who would usually go all out for my friends - to be like this. But that was how I was. Two groups of friends made an impact on me in 2022 - my long time friends, and my tigerair (and one scoot) friends. Amongst my long time friends, one of them retired towards the end of 2022. Frankly, I felt somewhat jealous that he could do so so comfortably (given the very positive financial position of his). I do not think I will ever be like him. But I was really happy for him. Another long time friend is Jeremy - my unofficial “tee” aka little brother. 2022 was a stressful year for him - challenges at work, changed job, and amidst these changes, he moved house. Not easy for both him and his wife Margaret. I didn’t think I helped much, but was glad he kept me in the know. I was glad to see his career picking up again and things ending smoothly for them by year end. My tigerair (and one scoot) friends were the ones I hanged out with most through the year. A few from the group have drifted (as to be expected, by choice or otherwise) but on the whole, I was thankful for their friendship and presence. Most of them are in their 30s and at this age, getting partnered, pregnant, miscarriage, give birth, death of family members, etc were the order of the day through the year. For a gay person like me, friends like these are the closest I can ever get to in lieu of a proper family of my own and their respective life journeys, and ups and downs shaped much of my 2022 experiences. For 2023, I will continue valuing people who trust me and build on the friendship.

My Physical Environment

I have specially dedicated a paragraph to my physical environment. Physical environment plays a significant part in shaping our daily experiences and contributes directly to our well-being. Firstly, home. I decided to finally give my home a facelift. It was something that I had procrastinated for the longest time. So just before I started my sabbatical, I got a contractor to repaint the house, the doors and polished the parquet flooring. I went on to install shelves in my utility area, digital lock for the main door, changed the living room furniture, bought a Chinese table lamp, and organised a small garden at my balcony! It's really nice these days to get visits by birds, butterflies, and an occasional bees. It's nice to be able to live in an environment that is physically pleasing to the senses. Regrettably, I cannot say the same for my workplace. In my new role, I am not longer based in the Raffles Place. Instead, I now work from the headquarters in an open office that comprise close to a hundred other colleagues. Will need time to get use to such work environment. There is not much I can change for my work environment but for 2023, I will make sure my home environment continues to be as homely as it can possibly be!

2022 was a year of contrast. I will probably feel the impact of 2022 well into 2023. It could possibly mark the start of my transition to an eventual retirement. With Lunar New Year round the corner, I have noted many Chinese zodiac predictions about an upswing in luck for persons born in my year (year of the horse). Well, I am not a superstitious person and don't really believe in predictions. But I supposed there is nothing wrong in hoping for the best. 

Happy 2023!

:-)

it's June 2022

What probably shaped the first half year was the gradual opening up of the country, and my sabbatical. As things open up, travels resumed, religious practises returned (I did my 3-step-1-bow again after 2 years!), routines were adjusted, etc. and with the start of my sabbatical, I have the time to do and revisit things I have never done before... let me cover a couple of aspects of my life here and I shall start off with my health and well-being, given that it is something I have wanted to focus on this year.

Health 

As a follow-up from the health scare in Dec 21, I saw the cardiologist in Jan 22 and was put through a series of tests. The cardiologist said all results were "within normal range" and that there were nothing that I should be too concerned about. Nonetheless, I noted there was a small anomaly seen in the ECG - something that I did not see in my previous ECGs. I decided that I should take things slow and not over-exert myself (especially after my burn-out experience in 2021).  Not long after, I caught COVID-19 in the last week of Jan 22. It was quite an uncomfortable period as my partner had returned to his home country. Thankfully, my sister and friends banded and supported me through the period when I was quarantined, delivering food to me. I emerged from the quarantine relatively well. I experienced a prolonged period of coughs, sore throat and sinus but these were generally not too debilitating thankfully. Apart from this, the usual body pains and aches continued to feature and these, I supposed, were part of my ageing process. I have continued with my usual daily walks to keep well and have also started swimming occasionally.

Work

I was so close to resigning late last year but had taken the advice of a colleague-turned-friend who suggested that I should take a sabbatical instead. This would allow me time to rest before I explore my professional journey ahead. To be fair to the company and my team, I continued to push through the annual planning and budgeting process and complete the annual employee appraisal before I start my sabbatical on 1 Apr. I have applied for a 6-month sabbatical and will be away from work until end-Sep 22. I needed to do this to recuperate (from my burn-out), to get away from my toxic work environment, to review my career options and to let my heart have a breather. My big boss has promised that I would be reporting to a different person when I return, and that I would assume a different port-folio. Frankly speaking, I have not decided if I should go back. In the meantime, I am just taking things slow and living a semi-retired life. Told myself I owe myself time to just chill and relax and not think about anything else. I have, since the start of my sabbatical, met up with a couple of ex-colleague-turned-friend who shared their thoughts about my career directions moving ahead (e.g. should I go back to my corporate life, or should I start all over). I greatly appreciate their views and will review my options closer to Jul/ Aug period.

Partner/ Family

My partner went back to his home country several times over the last half year. The first trip was an extended one that lasted over 2 months from end-last year to mid-Feb 22. It had been quite a while since I lived alone and for so long and, I supposed, allowed me the space to reflect on what it means to live alone (e.g. my daily routines). On hindsight, I thought that was quite a refreshing period for me. Family-wise, things are as normal as it can possibly be. The usual checking-ins, sharing of food, etc. Have also made the effort to pass the bak chang to my eldest sis - my first visit to her home since 2014 (or even longer). Other than that, I had also attempted to visit my uncle in Taiping in Feb 22, only to find the place deserted, gates lock and with overgrown weeds. I suspect my uncle might have passed on. 

Friends

Generally, been keeping in contact with friends. There have been some tensions with a couple of them (one to be exact) but generally, I have maintained contact with my circle of closer friends. The opening up of the society recently also meant there are less house visits. Gatherings these days are largely done over dinners in eateries/ restaurants. I have also made efforts to reach out to some old friends and am glad to know they are all well and good.

Home

Have done much changes to the house this year with a minor renovation done (much belated and delayed). Got the house repainted, doors repainted and the parquet fully polished, Decided against polishing the marble as many of the tiles had "popped". In addition, installed shelves to better organise the washing machine/ laundry space, digital lock for the main door, changed the living room furniture etc... so, yeah, lotsa changes to the home. Thought the outcome was really good and it felt new. This will probably last me the next few years until it is time for me to transition to public housing when I retire.

Hobbies

I have, especially since the start of my sabbatical, started revisiting some old hobbies. I have organised a small garden and have started growing plants such as Mexican mint, money plants, and some other ornamentals. The plants certainly provide a good use of my time and it's really lovely to see the plants thrive and grow. Occasionally, I will also do some handicraft (e.g. macrame) for my friends. 

Trips

I am starting to travel again with the first few trips taken to Malaysia. The first trip was in Feb 22. It was my first trip out of the country since the lock down and was an interesting one given the many additional tests, procedures, etc. The second trip occurred just when I started my sabbatical. As the land borders had opened and we could travel without pre-departure test, I decided to drive all the way to Penang and back. That was probably one of the longest drive I had taken in recent times - 1300km in total! Apart from that, I have also travelled to Johor for the weekend. Am looking forward to my extended holiday in Jul/ Aug 22 where we will be heading off to UK.

So yeah, the above kinda captured my first 6 months of 2022. It had passed by so quickly. The last 2 months were rather interesting. I didn't expect myself to feel stressed but that was how I felt - I was uneasy as I was suddenly faced with too much time at hand. I have since gotten used to it. Objectively, the sabbatical have allowed me to do almost nothing related to work and focused on myself, my home, my friends, and to reconsolidate my life (finances, insurance, etc). I have about 4 months more for my sabbatical. 

Let's see where it takes me...

2021 - burn out

This is a belated post. I couldn't write this at the end of last year as the many things that happened left me almost non-functional (burned out). I am in a better state now, and have mustered sufficient energies and motivation to start my reflections. While this post is written on 25 May 2022, I will be posting it using the 31 Dec date to keep the post to 2021. Here's a quick look back at my 2021 in a few short paras:

Work

Work featured greatly in 2021. It started with the company seeing a change in leadership at the very top. As a result, there were many changes downstream. For me, I saw new responsibilities being tasked to me as my corporate department restructure to better support the group. On the surface, all things seemed well, but health-wise, I ended the year in a horrible place. Thinking back, I believed several key issues contributed to this.

• Firstly, the boss. I was placed under a new person and I didn't get the support I needed from this person. He is a business partner, supporting one of the business in the group and his focus has always been to support his business unit (and rightly so). As a COE (centre of excellence/ expertise) at the group-level, my focus was, and has always been, to support the group. It was very tiring to constantly have to manage a boss who consistently chose to focus squarely on supporting his business instead seeing things from the group perspective. So, conversations to the likes of "I want you to do this for my business unit..." was not uncommon. Such requirements, while not unreasonable pulled me in different directions and wore me out given the absolute lack of resources (which I will cover in my second point). Coupled with his unfamiliarity with what I do, I ended up with a boss who was only interested in what I could do for him and who couldn't and didn’t give a damn about most of the other things my department cover. He also, in my opinion, could not give proper directions when it was needed. My routine weekly catch-ups with him was one-directional - for me to share what I was doing and that's it, no further sharing about what's happening in the larger corporate department, no updates on management decisions, going ons in the group, etc. I ended up working in a vacuum, and my effectiveness as a group function was heavily impeded. 

• Secondly, resource. It was a difficult period for the business and all of us were put on a cost-cutting posture. In such a state, resources were hard, if impossible, to come by. Nonetheless, my department's port-folio was expanded to include a new function and one team (read - one person) was transferred to me. I was also tasked to build the internal communications capability for the company on top of doing more for my existing port folio. It didn't help that the person that was transferred to me resigned immediately after learning of the expanded job scope. It took me almost 6 months to hire a replacement. In the meantime, I had to re-built the whole function from scratch with one young intern. While I enjoyed the steep learning curve, the need to continue delivering the KPIs set by the previous department head (that this function previously sat with) was  superbly challenging. And instead of being supportive, the boss kept saying things like - if the previous person could do it, I do not see why you cannot do better. It didn't help that the person I eventually hired wasn't my boss’ first choice (his first choice turned down the job offer) and he kept insisting that my selection was lousy and I had to be blamed if I cannot deliver. 

• Thirdly, tasks. As I had mentioned, there was a group business restructure and a new top leadership team. Naturally, many downstream initiatives took place - review of vision, values, business value proposition, organisation structure, organisational culture, people policies and practises, programmes and activities, etc. As a result, my department was pulled in by my chief (my boss two levels up) to support/ organise many of the activities planned. It was challenging especially when many of these group-level taskings came in last minute amidst all my existing projects and new initiatives. My boss also decided that it would be best for him to not be involved (as my chief had approached me directly) but what I didn't expect was for him to keep asking me to make sure his business unit did not "lose out" - "If they have, make sure I also have. If you cannot ensure I thus, I will not agree…". So yup, that was how many conversations happened, and I had to tread conversations between him and my chief delicately.

• Lastly, context. We were all working in interesting times. While the full locked down and going virtual in 2020 gave us the opportunities to expand our initiatives to cover employees from across the group globally, 2021 saw the demand for hybrid events and this naturally came with new challenges and learnings (e.g how to balance the demands of a global audience (and the logistics of virtual events) and that of a local/ regional audiences where things were done face-to-face. It was a really tough period with lots of stakeholders to manage and with wide and varied expectations. But that was how it was. To made all these even more stressful, we had to grapple with new people at all levels - as a result of the great resignation and new hires joining - people who are not familiar with the company, culture, processes and nature of events, etc. At the more senior-level, many questioned logic and rationale (and it was hard to explain legacy practises at times). At the ground-level, many had to navigate the company via "old birds" and yours truly here got referred to by many to brief this or that new hire (even from other businesses and/ or corporate departments) on this or that process (even if it has nothing to do with me). I tried to help as I didn't think it was right to leave new hires hanging. As for my boss, he was not helpful too. To start with, he wasn't sure of what I was doing (despite telling him again and again) and his natural reaction when anyone came to him with questions (from across the group) was to refer them to me... it saps me of much energies.  

Experiencing the 4 points above together repeatedly through the year (especially in the second half) was pure hell. It was a case of existing in a bad structure with a toxic boss, and having deliver more for my existing and new port folio, yet with limited/ no additional resources, and needing to be sufficiently nimble to cater to the evolving context of environment, process and new people. It reached a point where I got totally burned out and it took a toll on my health and well-being. 

Health & Well-Being

I started the year well enough. We were in a comfortable state, having worked from home for a good while due to COVID. Personally, I think I managed to achieved a very good balance between my work as my self. I was going for my regular walks, hikes, escapes, amidst the demands of work. Work-wise, I had managed to achieve a certain level of regular routine and the department was delivering good outcomes. All these, however, came to an end in Mar 21. Much changes happened after that. The country started the vaccination drive and I got myself vaccinated in May. Things improved and the country started relaxing the COVID posture but the COVID Delta strain threw us a major curve ball and we ended up tightening our safe management measures again towards the middle/ end of the year. Such developments saw us adjusting our social and work practices and routines. The uncertainty created quite a bit of stress. I experienced many bouts of illnesses, insomnia, stress, etc... and it got worst towards the end of the year. These were symptoms similar to that of depression. Shan't write too much about it (you can google about it). Apart from being burned out at work, I ended the year with a bad stabbing chest pains and decided to head to the emergency department and was kept in the observation ward to make sure it was not something nasty. It was a wake up call.

People Around Me

We humans are superbly adaptable. We make do with what we have to keep life as normal as possible. And that was what we did in 2021. It was a year where we continued to grapple with the COVID pandemic. The world over was still in various state of locked down. And in Singapore, safe management measures were constantly being adjusted in response to the infection rates/ emergence of the new Delta strain. Amidst this context, I was glad I kept up good time with my partner and my friends. We continued to meet in groups of 2s/ 5s/ 8s (depending on the guidelines) to catch up with one another. Visiting each others homes and heading to the supermarkets became a norm. I was also able to continue the routines of commemorating major festivals, anniversaries, and keeping in touch with my relatives. So, yeah... 2021 was as mundane as it could possibly be in this front. 

2021 was like a bad dream and went by too quickly. I looked back and I seriously cannot recall too much about it except that I was totally burned out by the time it ended. I have never entertained thoughts about resigning as much as I did when 2021 ended and with my health taking a hit, the year ended with a deep resolve to give myself time off for my health and well-being in 2022.

2018 - a messy year

I will christen 2018 as “A Messy Year”. I had initially wanted to call it the "Year of the Heart" but decided that "Mess" would be more appropriate. I do believe that quite a bit of things that happened to me over the last one year could be attributed to the pent up emotions following my mum's passing end-2015, my decision to run away from some of my personal tensions, and my inability to manage myself well on all fronts through the year. With this convergence of factors, 2018 erupted into a perfect storm of issues that eventually took a toll on my health. For my reflections, I will focus on 3 key things that I felt consumed my whole year - my health, my work and my relationship. For completeness, I will also pen some quick words on areas such as friends, family, and so on.

My Health

2018 has been one helluva mess for me health-wise. As in 2017, I often felt sad and depressed and I had the tendency to withdraw into a world of my own. And with the stress from work, and my increasing loneliness, I eventually lost control of myself. I resorted to fleeting sex and occasional cf to escape from the stress and loneliness. I experienced very bad heart palpitations end of June and was evacuated to the hospital. I was subsequently diagnosed to have heart palpitations and had to undergo ablation. The procedure lasted about 8 hours, 4 times longer than expected 2 hours. Thankfully, there was no further complications. As part of the procedure, the doctor also discovered a 80% blockage in one of the artery. I will be going through an angioplasty in Jan 2019. Apart from this, I also experienced bloodied urine at least twice through the year. Whether this was due to a build up of kidney stones, I don't know. My next review with the urologist will be in Sep 2019.

My Work 

In my 2017 reflection, I named "work" as the single most significant factor that shaped my year. I had enter a new industry and and had immersed my whole self into this new role. I had to grapple with a change in some key people within the team towards the end of 2017. With this as the context at the start of 2018, there were 3 levels of stress at work, namely, (1) unrealistic expectations, (2) leaders' lack of accountability, and (3) a new team inexperienced team. The combination of all these 3 factors was rather overwhelming as they build upon each other. Firstly, this year's KPIs were unrealistic. I had first highlighted this when the year started but it was simply brushed off. It was futile to change my big boss's thoughts about the KPIs in part becos the big boss was superbly difficult to talk with. Added to that, I also noted I was not the only person to get such unrealistic KPIs. So... Secondly, there were changes to the departments' senior leadership team this year. What went horribly wrong was when one of the new senior leader did not want to get her hands dirty to do all the operational work and began pushing her responsibilities around. It was terrible and many of my peers suffered the same from her. For me, I eventually came to a point where I had to down tools totally and told her off that she needed to manage things herself. Lastly, I managed to put together a new team following the departure of some key members last year. The person I hired was a huge disappointment and, in my opinion, did not fit in well. He was more conceptual than me and lacked the ability to focus on the details! I ended up having to monitor and question every single little details of his team eventually. I had no choice but to do this following several incidents that involved some pretty senior personalities... as always, the work was easy, but having to handle operational issues because of someone's refusal to accept accountabilities, or because of someone's inability to do so was terrible! It was not easy to have to manage up and down amidst all the stresses of having to deliver the KPIs. Something had to go and in the end, my health gave way. I end 2018 assuming a newly created position. I have the flexibility to frame what I can do in this new port folio. The challenge would be that my immediate boss has tendered and will leave by March 2019. Positively speaking, there will be many things to learn in 2019!

My Relationship

My partner of 14 years (whom I called Bee) and I finally separated in Sep 2018. There were many reasons for this and they include his focus on his work, our relationship got neglected, I got too much time at hand, I got to know someone in Grindr (let's call him PZ). And the rest just happened quite by itself. To add to the mess, I got myself so much in to the new person that I could not pull myself out despite him coming clean with me that he has a partner in Malaysia, that he had also been involved in another relationship with married person for the last 5 years and the consistent lies that he created to hide these details from me. It was too tiring and too stressful but I couldn't and didn't how to extricate myself by then. Eventually, PZ called off both his 8-year and 5-year relationships. We got together and in less than 3 months, the stress got to the point where we quarreled and things went awry. He eventually called off the relationship. It was the first time in about 2 decades where I was single, again. I spend a lot of time with my ex during the few days after I became single and at one point I asked my ex if he would consider starting all over again. My ex didn't give me an outright answer apart from the input that he was afraid he will not be able to fulfill my needs (of time and attention) due to his work. He left the conversation there without giving a clear answer. It was also this time when PZ contacted me to talk things through. In the end, we agreed to give our failed relationship another goal and... yup, that was my quick summary of my relationship for 2018. So... yes, relationship was a MESS in 2018. I didn't manage things well. Thankfully, things ended with a bit more clarity on both PZ and my sides, both making the resolve to want to make things happen. Will need to focus on rebuilding my relationship in 2019.

My Escapes 

Well, "escapes" in this paragraph can be framed in more than one way. Firstly, and in a physical sense, it refers to my overseas travels. Effectively, 2018 will probably go down as the year where I traveled the most. If I counted it correctly, not counting work trips, I visited overseas no less than 10 - 11 times over the course of the year. They included trips to Hong Kong where I would either frequent gay saunas or meet up with my friends (or probably you can call it "friend with benefits"), many trips to KL and Bandung with PZ, as well as a disastrous trip to Tokyo with Bee. For my trip to Tokyo, we quarrelled the first day of the trip and went on cold war or the next day or two. He had to return one day earlier to attend to his mother when she had a fall. Secondly, "escapes" also refer to the many occasions where I hooked up with people in Grindr in my attempts to seek companionship and/ or sex. In some instances, cf was involved. I would always end up with superbly bad headache for a few days after that. So... yeah, I admit I had been irresponsible to myself in 2018, but living a life like that was the best escape for me. Judge me if you want, I don't care. I don't think I will ever use it in 2019, especially now that I have PZ with me.

My Friends

In 2018, I deepened my relationships with some of my closer friends, especially those from my previous company. These friends, had over time, come to become my extended family. Interestingly, many of them address me as "Daddy" or "Baba/ Papa" and one of them even asked if I would consider having him as my adopted son. That was how close I had established myself with them. The meet ups and the interactions got deeper not just becos there were more meet ups, but also becos many of them went through quite a bit of tensions/ stress and came to me for advise/ help. These include relationship/ marital issues, work-related issues as well as job changes, among others. For 2019, I can expect to see 2 - 3 of them leaving their jobs and seeking new ones. I hope I will be able to provide them with the support they need when they go through the transition.

My Family

I came to a point where relationship with my immediate family didn't really matter to me anymore. Que sera sera, that was my attitude towards my family in 2018. For my eldest sister, although ties was strained, she was a bit more open to texting me. This, I suspect, was because I reached out to her after learning that she has cancer. Relationship with my second sister was the same - cordial and warm. We kept in contact and she would often keep me in mind when she cooked stuff like curries, popiahs, bee hoon, noodles, etc. I am thankful to her for remembering me whenever she cooked. As for my brother, I have accepted the fact that I will no longer have the chance to reconnect with him (not that I want to). Apart from that, everything else with my extended family (including my aunts, cousins, etc) remained quite constant. For 2019, I suspect death will befall at least one or two individuals within my extended family. I know it's quite a morbid thought and hope I am wrong. Then again to me, I embrace death as much as I embrace living and experiencing life. So yeah, whatever will come will come.

Conclusion

2018 has been a superbly messy one for me. As I reflected during the start of this post, I believe it was the culmination of the depression since the passing of my mum and my inability to get hold of my life over the last 3 years. The eventual impact on my health was indeed unfortunate and I had wondered if I will ever live to see my next birthday. I am starting 2019 staring at my health and my work squarely, and with the knowledge that I have a new relationship that I can (hopefully) rely on for support. Above all, I know I have to manage myself, be kind to myself and to take care of myself more.

Happy 2019 everyone.

2017 - year of work

i don't think i'll do a long post this time round (compared to previous years). 2017 will be known as the “year of work”. no second thoughts about it. after 2 years of crazy roller coaster rides, 2017 had been relatively quiet and boring in almost all aspects. and this was, to a large extent, due to the all-consuming work throughout the year. but it was a welcome change ironically. work was a necessary evil as i had started a new job and needed to learn on the run. it also provided me the legitimate excuse to run away from all the issues that happened in my personal life. and on this note, i shall start my annual reflection.

work/ professional development

i started the year telling myself i want to learn, and i want to give my best in my new job. i did. and more. my new job started in jan 17 and it was a superbly steep learning curve for me given that the scope of the job was huge, the people were new, and it was a totally new industry for me! it didn't help that i had very difficult people around me within my team - people who played politics, were not cooperative, resistant to change and who chose to align themselves to the previous lead's practises. it was really painful for me. but in perspective, the year started well. lots of learn and lots of support from the team and the bosses. it helped for the fact that everyone was very co-operative. added to this, the team rallied around me very strongly because i was able to engage them and reach out to them. this was a huge contrast to my predecessor that was very task-driven and had only focused all the attention on one particular person (and on a very personal basis as they were very close friends). as time passes, this person began to express frustrations about my management style - that i was not hard enough with the rest of the team, that i should be more like my predecessor and tell people to do, and if they don't to simply punish them. this was simply not my style. and after the inability to demand a change in my style of management, together with a couple of other frustrations (e.g. of not getting the attention needed, not getting the promotion, etc), this person left. i realised how much a trouble maker this person was after the departure as all the things that was swept and hidden under the carpet started to surface - processes messed up, budget mismanaged, etc. i was glad this person left. it was for the longer term good. anyway, for a good part of the last couple of months, i was hell busy covering the responsibilities of a couple of vacant headcount. i took them in stride and didn't pressure myself to hire anyone hastily. told myself i will recruit the right people for the job. very glad that as of now, two positions have been closed. one more to go. next year will definitely going to be a lot better.

bee

similar to last year, i didn't have many things to write about bee this year. i started off the year with little to no expectations and just wanted to do my part. things went relatively well and we had our frequent meet ups for meals. and one thing remained constant - he could never take time off to go for a break with me, even if it was for the weekend. it was frustrating to plan for trips consistently, just to end up with him pulling out in the end and with me going for the trip alone. things began to spiral downwards when he started to venture into a new business. increasingly, the time available got less and the neglect increase. it was rather unbearable at times, although i must say many a times i was able to use my own work to escape. work helped fill his absence and it helped somewhat. as for him, he didn't want to talk much about his work and i had to find out from others about what he's doing. didn't like this but this was just how things were. we hardly communicate anymore. everything about his these days are only about his work. it is in this context that friends came in important for me. my friends filled the gap this year whenever they could.

friends

i wanted to expand my social space and deepen my friendship at the start of 2017. in this area, i rate this aspect a “fail”. things didn't turn out as i had wished. in perspective, the year started well for me as my friends rallied around me when i changed jobs. for the first half year, the dinner meet ups were frequent and they would come all the way down to town for dinners and to catch up if i could not meet them closer to their workplace. and there were also lotsa activities including travelling to india to attend a wedding, movies, dinners, etc. anyway, time with friends peaked around jun but dipped subsequently due to both increased pressure from work and the unfortunate incident where i got angry with someone from the group i usually hang out with. and given the fact that i usually take a prolonged time to move on with such incidents, time with friends eventually took a lower priority in the second half of the year. it didn't helped that everyone also got busy with their respective work as the year picked up. eventually, the time together with friends began to taper downwards and the connections to my friends got looser towards the end of the year. these days, if i have any time, i would simply blast the whatsapp group and ask if anyone is free for dinner as it was almost impossible to have dinner with bee as he would be working. and often, i will end up eating alone.

but lest i trash myself too much about this, i must say that i did managed to make a couple of nice people from grindr. you see, with the extra me-time, i sought friendship online via grindr. i supposed within grindr, there were quite a few lonely souls who were looking and reaching out to people for friendship and to fill their own respective void. for the few that i got to know, it was interesting that i ended up some sorts of an uncle agony as they shared their issues about relationships and thoughts. and this, perhaps, is another gift I have that i had not previously mentioned - i am natural when it comes to coaching people about life. i have the natural tendency to want to reach out to people in trouble and to coach them. perhaps this is an extension or manifestation of my buddhist self. but the irony of it all was that i have quite a bit of my own challenges in my own personal life that i myself cannot manage. whatever.

personal life

i created this additional heading this year to capture how this year had impacted me personally. i kept to myself, increased my visits to the cemetery and went into the cyberworld - a world of make believe. you see, with increased me-time, lesser friends-time, and even lesser bee-time, i found my heading to places where i could escape to find the solace i need. and i found myself heading to spend time at the cemetery almost every other week. the cemetery is a quiet place and it felt very good to be able to visit my late parents' niche, even if my visits usually lasted less than 10-15minutes. the increased time to myself also meant i felt lonely often. and being somewhat an anti-social person, i invariably end up online. and so gay porn websites (such as pornhub, xtube, etc) and social media apps (such as instagram, tumblr, grindr, and to a lesser extent - jack'd and hornet) became my main escapes. these sites and apps allowed me an alternate world where i was able to indulge myself and to expire whatever frustrations or excess energies i had or needed to vent. in gay websites and tumblr, i indulge in lots and lots of porn - gay porn to be specific. and in instagram, i gained insights into how my friends spend their time, even as i flaunted my own daily experiences. and of cos, via gay social apps such as grindr, jack'd and hornet, i found my friendships. such were the escapes that featured in much of my me-time throughout the year. amidst all these, i had continued to avoid facebook as i didn't want to partake nor be aware of how bee continued to flaunt his selfies and his indulgence in praises from people online as he had done previously. do you think this is a very sad state of affairs? well, maybe. but i allowed me to keep myself sane and to cope with the pressures at work, the decreased time with friends and the increasing neglect by bee. 

health

i am not sure if i am depressed but i do often feel sad and have the tendency to withdraw into a world of my own. that aside, i thought i fared generally well in the areas of health and wellness, apart from one or two minor scares. the year started quite uneventfully. after so many years of back aches and pains, the orthopaedic specialist finally confirmed that i had a herniated disc and that was the main issue that was the cause of my constant back pains. the consciousness that i had a herniated disc made me a little more careful with myself when it came to posture, walking, exerting pressure on my back, etc. glad this consciousness helped although there were a couple of occasions where the back flared up. i also had quite a few bouts of near missed with flu and nasty issues but on the whole, i thought my health was ok. i half suspect this was the result of the high intensity of work where i was literally not able to fall sick. the adrenaline levels was just that high at work that it continued to push my limits. the thing about such adrenaline rush was that after every major activity, i would just collapse in total exhaustion. that, perhaps, was the only times where i was able to take a break - by falling temporarily sick. by the end of the year, i had totally burnt out. there was, however, a health scare mid year where one day where i felt a little stinking pain as i washed my foreskin. there was a little tear. i had this several times previously when i washed myself too roughly. such tears usually heal by itself after two day or so. but this time round, it didn't. the tear grew into a sore that grew larger and got inflamed. it freaked me out and i eventually sought medical help. the doctor told me i had been “too rough” but to make sure there was nothing more nasty, i was put through a hiv test. the test turned out negative. thankfully. there seemed to be a few things developing towards the end of the year - i've started developing a bad migraine since nov, i also noticed that my eyesight had deteriorated significantly in recent months, and there is also an increased inability to remember things/ forget things. anyway, i hope these issues don’t get any worst in the coming year.

bloggers/ blogging

i wanted to continue to blog and i think i did although i must say the motivation to do so was really not there. there were so many times where i entertained the idea of abandoning this blog. i was just too unmotivated to blog. i didn't have the energy to do so, especially after a long hard day at work. and so my habit of blogging daily to capture my daily reflections eventually died. i ended up blogging once a week, and later, once every two-three weeks. moving ahead, i am not sure if i can still keep up this habit but i will try. i still believe that all things being equal, blogging will continue to provide me the space to capture my thoughts, document my life, connect with friends and more importantly, provide me the space to look back, reflect and to learn about myself.

conclusion

on the whole, this year has been very intense for me. work-wise, it was all-consuming. the lack of emotional support from bee was overwhelming many a times and towards the end of the year, i found myself getting more and more irresponsible to myself when it comes to living my own life. i know things are wrong but on the other hand, i continued to indulge in it as it allowed me the momentarily escape into a world where i felt accepted and right. i shan't talk too much nor elaborate about it here. negatively, i am destroying myself although positively, this is a continuation of my life's journey and experiences towards self-discovery. this is perhaps an issue, but... whatever. i end 2017 with not much resolutions nor thoughts for 2018 except with the hope that i will be a happier person in 2018. and to achieve that, i think a good start would be to look inwards and to address my own expectations about people around me.

happy 2018 everyone.

my last 2 weeks - very positive

it's been a while since i posted anything here. had been really busy and drained past 2 weekends with commitments such as hosting an overseas friend and made a trip to taiwan. thus, i'll make this a summary post of the key things that happened over the last 2 weeks. overall, i'd say things were really exciting and picking up, and it was positive on all fronts (or at least that was how i chose to see things). and frankly, for a brief period, i didn't want to blog anything for fear that it might just stop the momentum of the pick up... heh... ok, here goes...

bee
we made a short trip to taipei over the last weekend. didn't do much except to walk, shop, eat, watched movie and just idle through the weekend. it was not exactly a restful one give the frequent very long walks, but it certainly was a good break. and yeah, he said i snored like crazy these days when i slept, confirming my suspicions that my frequent sleep disruption was due to my breathing. will write more in the next para.

health

in this area, apart from confirming my snoring/ breathing issues, i also completed the ct scan of my kidneys. but the key highlight for my health these two weeks was the fact that the kidney stone came out! it occurred 2 weekends ago after some drinks at the hotel lounge. i went to pee at the hotel toilet and felt a sharp pain. i kinda suspected it was due to the stone. and once i reached home, it came out as i peed again. it was huge! larger than the stone i peed out some years back. and with the ejection of the stone, everything slowly cleared off... the backaches, the frequent pains at the kidney areas, etc. it all disappeared. so, yeah, this was a really good highlight for me in the last two weeks, health-wise.

work/ professional development

some 2 months back, a headhunter company contacted me with the intent to convince me to consider an opportunity with an mnc. i wasn't too keen on it but decided to meet the headhunter nonetheless. and with the change in position titling and the increasingly toxic environment at my workplace, this opportunity became something that could be an escape route for me. but as i spoke more with the company, my interest picked up and with further encouragement from my lady ex-boss, i had, as of today, gone for 6 rounds of interviews - the final one with the chairperson of the company. things look somewhat positive and hopefully i can get some good news in the coming days. so, yeah, this is the highlight for me, work-wise. then again, i am trying hard to manage my expectations here given the many similar occurrences previously that did not materialise eventually. keeping my fingers crossed nonetheless. wish me luck...

colleagues

my crazy colleagues had been organising quite a few dinner gatherings and karaoke sessions and i joined them for a couple of them. they were rather fun and brightened up many of my evenings. i guessed the fact that the recent shift of everyone to the new office, and the decentralisation of the departments made everyone miss each other. whatever the case, it was good to meet up and just go crazy. as for my previous team (before we reorganised), i brought them out for the good dinner as my way of thanking them for their hardwork and support. thought they enjoyed the dinner thoroughly.

friends
a friend of mine from overseas visited singapore and i hosted him over 4-5 days at the start of the month. brought him to the zoo, went shopping at orchard road, visited the temple, ate at different places, etc... enjoyed his company but man, it was really tiring to go to all the different places in singapore over such a short time. that was partly why i didn't blog at the start of the month. heh...

so... yeah, as you can see, every front was positive. of cos, all these happened as i shifted office, the company got merged with another, new department head got bitchy and nitpicked things i did, new boss that despite being somewhat cordial, hasn't gotten used to having me in the team, colleagues that were not too friendly yet, etc etc etc... but well, i have decided to just ignore all these. i can't change them, so just accept them and go with the flow. this, perhaps is the good thing for being in a lower position. i'll just continue to keep focused on the good things, and be positive.

will try to expand some of the things above in the coming posts... if i can find the motivation and the energy.

:-)

putting up a front

i was an emotional wretched following the announcement of the changes in the org structure and that my title will be downgraded to that of a manager-grade staff. some of the reasons that made me so unhappy include:

• the person that i'll be reporting to is junior to me in terms of duration with company, age and experience. for that matter, when he first joined the sister company, the hod (who is now the new entity hod) asked me to help guide him along.

• a manager-grade staff in my department was promoted to senior manager. he was the person whom i had clashed with last year. he was a junior executive when i joined my company and he was promoted from junior executive to manager within the 3 years i was with my company. i had supported his promotion previously. with this change, in terms of positional title and seniority, he will now be above me.

• the people that were "promoted" as part of this integration (in particular, the above) have been my current boss' favourite persons or existing manager-grade staff of the sister company. i therefore assumed (rightly or otherwise) that my boss had played a role in negotiating who should be given the chance to take the lead role as part of this integration. i took it that he did not and had not bothered to negotiate for me to assume the lead position. 

• this review and announcement of the structure came at a time where we received our annual bonus payout and increment. i was once again told that i have been overpaid, underworked and thus cannot justify for an increment that commensurate national wage guidelines. and when i queried further, he simply said - i have tried to fight for you but this was top man's decision. i did not take his feedback too well as he had previously loaded with another colleague's work based on the same input - i.e. overpaid, underworked - and through the year after i took on this additional port folio, i had made immense improvements and changes to the areas i was loaded with. and the results showed.

amidst all these, when i returned to the office during my hospitalisation leave for the townhall, my boss did not talk to me. when i went to knock on his door to inform him i was back, he simply asked if i had been told of the details. i was not aware that i would be downgraded and had answered him "no". he kept quiet and left things as it was. with the announcement finally made, and the new hod telling me that her mind is fixed, i thought it would be useless to confront my boss. i simply ignore him. he is not worth my respect anymore. with the one plus year i had worked with him, i was clear he wouldn't help me. i can only expect him to say "i tried". interestingly, my staff (the one that my boss brought in and that i had all along seen him as my boss's eyes and ears on the ground) asked to speak with me about the integration. he talked about his displeasure of the restructure and how the sister company would be dictating most of the ways ahead. i had to counsel him about this integration despite my own unhappiness. but what's interesting was that he shared about how good my boss was and that i should be appreciative of him. he went on to add that i had misunderstood him, yadda yadda yadda. i didn't want to pursue the topic further. 

amidst all these developments that didn't go down well with me, i started getting messages from my colleagues from other department asking if i was ok, given the unfair treatment. i had to simply smile and tow the organisational line that our position titles need to be reviewed and aligned to the new organisation. admittedly, i was highly emotional after the announcement on thursday. with the few days behind me, i asked if my reaction to this downgrading was justified. my reflections are:

• it was my emotions that controlled me. was i justified to feel this way? perhaps. it was a natural reaction given that it was the direct hit on my ego. i felt humiliated, un-valued, and victimised. and objectively speaking, i believed things could have been better managed - from the review of the organisation structure to managing employees' feelings.

• a position title is a position title. i was emotional for the fact that favouritism seemed to have played a huge role in this review of structure and placement of staff. although i reconciled and acknowledged that relationship considerations would be needed to ensure smooth transition and organisational stability.

• there is a lack of trust between my new hod and i. and it is not unexpected. it only mean i need to work doubly, triply hard to gain her trust. but my issue now is - this whole process will be very tiring and painful considering the amount of efforts i had put on over the last 3 years to get the company to where it is today, and now i have to throw away everything and start things all over again.

it was interesting and apt for a fact that when i was at the temple to do the vesak day rites, i was reminded that desires and attachments translate to suffering and i must learn to let it go if i want to be happy. my attachment to titles and my attachment to my "face" had caused me all the sufferings. my reactions was a result of my ego and i need to let it go. objectively speaking and as reminded by some friends - smaller job scope, but same pay - so take it positively and move forward bravely. whatever the case may be, i need to ensure the transition process is smooth in the coming weeks/ months.

as far as i am concerned, my boss had failed me and now simply shirk away all the issues. in this integration, he has asked to be transferred to integration project office. with this development, he is no longer my boss and i have stopped asking him for directions. i am also very much aware that this current structure is not realistic nor sustainable, particularly from the internal equity point of view. in this regard, i can only expect to be asked to leave sooner or later. thus, i need to re-start my job search process. objectively speaking, it would be more important to invest my energies in my job search and in organisations that value me and where i can contribute better in the longer run rather than this new set-up. 

so... yeah, until the day i leave this company, i shall put up a strong front and do what i needed to do. be professional about it and make sure the ball don't drop during this transition period.

3rd work anniversary

time flies. i had been with my company for 3 years 1 apr 2016. it had been an intense 3 years considering the many restructuring that occurred particularly during the first 2 years, the many changes to the top leadership and now the impending announcements of new changes. at the department-level, i had served 5 heads of departments and it was certainly not easy given the differences in each character that came and went and their emphasis. but on the positive side, i have learned quite a bit of new stuff. 

as of now, we are anticipating new changes to the company given the recent acquisition of the company. and naturally, everyone is a little jittery about it. although things seemed calm on the surface, i am aware there are a lot of undercurrents and thoughts about job security. and i say so cos i know a lot of people at a more personal-level and they have spoken to me about such concerns frequently. the challenge for me, however, is to be able to calm them down given my own lack of information. i don't even know if i will be able to hold on to my own job. as for my boss, i personally suspect he is trying to manoeuvre himself out of the company, or at least leave an escape route for himself. at the present moment, he seemed to be pushing away a lot of responsibilities, refusing to sign off things (even urgent ones) and at times, he'd asked us to get the top man to sign off instead, even for very simple things. his inactions often a times lead to delays in decision-making. quite frustrating.

anyway, let's just see how things go. amidst all these changes, i believe there will always be the bright side of things. it is part of change and we'll just have to embrace it and adapt.

weekly ramblings about work...

this has been one helluva busy week - at work, that is. work seemed to pile up non-stop and my boss just kept it coming and coming. had quite a few sleepless nights but thankfully, the week ended with no major fumbles. here's a run down of my previous work week...

• it started with me having to conduct some orientation briefings for new staffs and as my ceo had to make the quarter announcement, a town hall session was hastily organised and all my briefing plans had to be adjusted. i felt a little disturbed when i heard my ceo said to my boss in much angry and unhappy tones, in front of the company. it went something like "what the hell, why did he have to do orientation briefing when we have a town hall..." when we (me and the group of 3 new staffs) walked into the room. and we were not even late. not a good start to the week. negative experience.

• successfully organised a lunch for the board chairman, senior management and the newly elected members of the union. everyone, particularly the management, was anxious about it and everyone had their views about how things should be done. simply had to change and adjust things as it unfolded. after all, this lunch was for senior people and one can never be too careful about protocols. was glad it went well. and yes, the lunch was one thing, it was another thing altogether with the administrative follow-ups... and guess what, my chairman's driver didn't know the way to the lunch location and my ceo faulted me for not providing a map to the driver (duh! the lunch location was given to the chairman's office weeks in advance and as a driver, would it not be his responsibility to find out? further to that, the lunch location was not some out of the world place. and doesn't the chairman's car even have a gps for that matter?). this feedback just added to the negative experience in the morning (see above). then again, it was a lesson learned for me. 

• amidst the crazy pace and many ad hoc demands, there were also the non-stop interviews that i needed to conduct. in all, i did close to 5-6 interviews during the whole week. it was one after another, and it was rather challenging to have to sit down and rattle corporate stories and ask probing questions non-stop. but that was what i did. it didn't help for the fact that when i talk a little more, my throat would go into spasms and i would cough like crazy. somehow, when i first took over the business partnering role, interviews and managing line managers were rather challenging. it continues to be so today, but compared to other things i am currently handling, challenges related to interviews and handling line managers seemed so easy.

• and then there're the challenges of all the tasks that needed to be done to hire new staffs and set up an overseas office. first time we are doing it and there was absolutely no previous examples to follow. and everyone was in a rush to get it done and as i was the only person working on it. the challenge was made worst by the fact that overseas government procedures were complicated and it was in a different language that i was not too proficient in. doh! had to work late almost every day and even had to return to work on saturday, just to get the documents done. the positive side to things was that it was pretty exciting and there were lots to learn. good exposure!

• and many things also appeared out of no where that needed my immediate attentions - line managers wanting to restructure their departments (and that i had to tread very carefully especially when such matters always make my boss go into emotional overdrive), people resigning that needed follow-up, people requesting for early release, off-cycle promotions and salary adjustments that was not planned - just because some hod wanted to do it and my senior management agreed and proceeded with it. and out of no where, i was required to compile data on a handful of staff, rush through to get the letters ready, draft employee communications liners, etc etc etc, recruiters that asked to meet up, end of the month payroll, la la la... it came fast and furious through the week.

• of cos, there were very positive developments too, particularly from my training side. managed to complete developing an e-learning module for the safety department. thankfully, i had a great staff who was able to get the details in place after i gave her my guidelines as to how i wanted the details structured. i was very pleased with the end-product and hope the head of department is happy with it. look forward to launching this e-module soon. also, managed to launched and conducted a new training for the office this week and i was totally elated when the feedback that came back was very positive. reinforced my belief that what i had worked so hard for was in the right direction. and last but not least, managed to complete the groundwork for 2 major trainings that i have planned for for next month.

amidst all these, a pile of new things have already piled up on my table... this coming week will also be intense. and it didn't do good for the fact that the lunar new year is coming and people are already starting to take their leave. i was just glad the week ended and i had the saturday to catch up. there are still lots on my table, but i shall take a deliberate break today and just chill.

2015 - a trying & eventful year

i ended 2014 with the desire to want "to lead a more balanced life in 2015, to state and to claim (reclaim) my space in my relationships (with friends, family members and bee) and most importantly to love myself more." did i do it? was i successful in doing what i wanted to do? i really don't know. i didn't have much energy to really reflect upon it. and i say so in part because so many things happened recently. and might as well cos i do think the recency effect of the many deaths that happened would probably make my view of the year very negative. i am thus writing this entry in a rather impromptu manner and as i do, i will try to frame 2015 in as balanced a way as i possibly could. unlike previous years where i would write my last blog entry of the year with a clarity of the theme, this year, i will give this blog post a title/ theme when i complete my reflections. and in honour of my mum who passed away in november at the age of 82 years & 11 months, i will start this years' reflections with "mum"...

mum

the first half of 2015 was relatively good for mum. i had channelled much energies to improve her quality of life and living conditions. i installed a ceiling fan in her room, got another car (that suited her needs and were agreed by her) and provided her with better food constantly. her health was stable and she was able to do all the routine things without too much issues. i constantly titrated her medications to manage her health during the many occasions when her health threatened to turn bad. with that squared off, she was able to continue enjoying her routines without much worries. she went for her daily rehab treatments, watched movies, visited places of interests, indulged in all sorts of food, did her daily shoppings, visited my brother's place, etc etc etc. towards the second half of 2015, and with the onset of the haze, her health deteriorated considerably quickly. it started with a bout of breathlessness that saw her whizzing quite badly and ended up with a stay in the hospital sometime in july. her stays in the hospital became more frequent from then and the seriousness of her condition got worst with every visit. the increased visits to the hospital and clinics took a toll on me particularly in my annual leave. i would need to apply for no pay leave to bring her for her check-ups if she had not passed away. her passing in november, in a way, did not come as a shock to me given all the signs since mid-year. still, it was hard to accept when it happened. i thought i managed things as best as i could and was able to keep the family intact as i fulfilled my obligations as a son to complete all the necessary rites for her. my mum's passing was, to me, the single largest loss in my life. i still miss her. very much. sadly, i end this paragraph with no future resolutions...

personal life

objectively speaking, my personal life was relatively good this year. i was able to move my focus towards myself a little more compared to previous years. for a start, i managed to head off for a short holiday in january to taiwan. and to prevent mum from going bonkers, i told her i was going for a work-trip. she took the trip rather well and i did not face any major changes in any moods changes. and throughout the year, i was able to steal some few-hour me-time here and there by lying to her similarly. admittedly, i came to terms with myself about telling lies. i rationalised that if it helped to manage her mental state and, at the same time, give myself the space i needed, it was alright. and with this cleared in my mind, i was able to go for my weekly breaks, my exercises, my regular outings to have my personal time etc without feeling guilty about it. and gladly, i was able to do all these because i felt relatively assured as i had a maid to take care of mum during my absence. i ended the year without mum and with an heightened energy to start things anew in my attempts to move on without her. i have started painting the house for a start! moving into 2016, and with my mum no longer around, i will increase my focus to enrich my personal life and invest in more quality me-time, be it for self-improvement courses, leisure, volunteerism, buddhism, travel, etc. 

bee

i entered the year without too much expectatrions of bee after he left for bangkok last year. i told myself i would simply play my part as a partner. and with this, the relationship through the year was rather stable. the meet ups, etc went by routinely and there were no spike in excitements per se throughout the year, except perhaps for the trip to taipei in january. having said that, the year didn't pass without any tensions. there were several. and one was big enough for me to go into passive aggressive behaviour for a long while. i didn't like the way he took me for granted, the way he made he feel i didn't matter, like how he stood me up several times on weekends when we were supposed to head to the cinema because he overslept from his naps, how he did not keep up to his promises to ask me first before going overseas, how he failed to call me or keep in contact when he was overseas and how we had to cancel a planned holiday because he had to head overseas for work last minute. and to top it off, he did not walk the last journey with me during mum's funeral - he was overseas with work. i was highly disappointed and admittedly, i felt rather rather pissed off, considering how i had stood by him during his dad's passing, all the way through to the funeral. but i kept quiet about it, i told and reminded myself that i had to manage my own expectations, although frequently, i didn't think i was being demanding in the relationship. admittedly, there were several occasions where i wanted to simply call the relationship off but i didn't in the end. i was too tired to do it. with mum's passing, our frequency of meeting up has increased and things seemed more positive now. for 2016, i will do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the pass years. how strong this relationship can be will depend on him.

sapphie

sapphie's health was ok this year, well, until december when she weakened terribly. objectively, i cannot expect her to be like what she was before. she's 15 after all, and for a dog, 15 is equivalent to 105 human years. old. terribly old. i don't think she'll be able to complete 2016 given her current state of health but i might be wrong. let's just hope for the best. for 2016, i will continue to take good care of her. she's the only family member i have that keeps me company at home now. if she leaves me, i have done my research and am now prepared to manage her cremation.

siblings

no expectations, no disappointments. this guideline served me well during 2015 with regards my siblings. there were of course many occasions where i did not feel good especially when they did not respond in a pro-mum manner. but i simply took it in stride and chose not to be irked/ angered by it once i reminded myself not to have any expectations. i also noted a few positive outcomes during mum's passing. firstly, my eldest sis started to talk to me. it kinda took me by surprise but i simply responded in kind and acknowledge her quietly. secondly, my brother did not lose his temper with my second sis. i had, for the longest time, expected him to lose his temper and perhaps enter into a fight with my second sis when my mum died due to his age old animosity towards her. thankfully, it didn't happen. the greatest displeasure and disappointment i had was with my second sis. but i supposed all these didn't matter any more. mum's passing meant the interactions with them will be highly diminished, especially with my sisters. so... as for my brother, the interactions will continue given his continued requests for me to take care of his children - and i do admit i really enjoy my time with them, and to a certain extent, i do take it upon myself to ensure they have a good upbringing. that will be what i'll do for 2016 - to continue investing my efforts to nurture my niece and nephew. and as for my siblings, i will continue to live by my guiding principle that no expectations, no disappointments.

relatives

i decide to add a new para on relatives this time round. despite not being in touch with many of them, 2015 was significant for me as a few of them passed on. firstly, it was a paternal side uncle - my dad's younger brother. his demise meant that for my dad's generation, all males have passed on (not considering the one that was given away at birth). his passing brought everyone in my extended family together once again. it was the same for the passing of my god-sis-in-law. the last time i met my god brothers was almost 2 decades ago when my god mum passed away. i had lost contact with almost all of them and when i met them again, not many could recognise me. the year ended with the passing of my maternal side uncle (my aunt's husband). i didn't know of his passing until the funeral was over. the family decided not to share his passing with us as my mum had just passed on. three relatives in a year. that is a little too many for me. but i supposed it is a inevitable part of life that we have to go through. interestingly, at my age, it was during such occasions that relatives get to meet each other. i did not tell any of my relatives of mum's passing due to my internal family dynamics. admittedly, i had prioritised my own family dynamics above that of my extended family. thankfully, i was able to contain any fall-outs by calling key aunts and cousins and apologising to them immediately after the funeral and explaining to them that it was mum's wishes to keep her passing to only immediate family members. in 2016, i will certainly want to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family.

health

i don't think i had invested enough energies into my health in 2015. in the areas of exercising, i certainly managed to do my regular evening walks after mum went to bed. but the walks were mostly leisurely walks rather than brisk walks. i didn't have the motivation nor the push to do any medium/ high intensity exercises given my very drained state of mind at the end of each day. the continued pain in my feet and knees also limited my abilities to exercise. to compensate for the lack of exercise, i ended up managing my diet although i didn't think i managed it well too heh... food has always been my weakness. but the fact that i had to always finish mum's unfinished dinner and post-dinner snacks made this a little more challenging. you see, mum has this habit of wanting to eat different things for dinner and she'd push them to me after taking a bite or two, claiming that she's already full or that she wanted something else. and after dinner, she'd also ask for her favourite snacks that include fried fritters (you char kueh), fried dough (hum cheem paeng) or nonya kuehs. and similar to her dinner, she'd take a bite and pushed everything to me. i had to resort to hiding the things and throwing them away when she was not looking many a times. other than that, 2015 was also marked with prolonged back and shoulder aches that required extended intensive chiropractic treatments and  toothaches that ended up with me crowing 2 of my molars... i am sure 2016 will not be easy for me health-wise given my age and the many chronic conditions i have (kidney stones, plantar fasciitis, knee pains, back, neck, shoulder aches, etc etc etc) but i will and want to continue living healthily.

work & professional development

work overtook mum to be my biggest stressor in 2015. much as i was an adaptable person who plays the team-player role well, i was placed under huge amounts of stress 2015 by an abusive boss. his abusive nature and his branding me a liar convinced me early in the year of the need to move on from my current company. i tolerated him much as i held my stand and maintained a cordial working relationship with him. mid-year, he tasked me to take over almost the whole port folio of another colleague, saying that i was underwork and overpaid. it was obvious he did not know what i had done and was not receptive to my briefing about the system i had build for the company in my 2-3 years there. added to that, he remarked that although i did not perform up to standards, he would still award me with a bonus as "i needed money to look after my mum". i felt rather insulted by this remark but didn't say anything further. it became clear later on that he said all those things because he wanted to justify his assigning of the new tasks to me and to manage my colleague out of the company. on the bright side, i obtained my professional certificate in talent management in february this year. this was perhaps the highlight for me at work. on top of that, with the new tasks imposed onto me, i told myself that it would do me a lot of good to reframe the situation and make it work for me. from a half-full perspective, the additional tasks provided me the extra push to learn things that were beyond what i was exposed to and it was because of this learning opportunity that i decided to stay a while longer at my current company. when i am sufficiently trained and have expanded my professional network, i would be more marketable and i will move on at the earliest opportunity. so for 2016, i foresee myself moving on to a new company. it will be painful for me considering all the relationships i had built with my colleagues, but it is a necessary step to take for my own career development.

friends & colleagues

for friends, 2015 was not much different from previous years. i was able to keep the relationships going and meet ups happened, although rather infrequently. but i made the efforts and i was glad i did as it allowed me to maintain a healthy level of bonds between me and some of my closer friends. significantly, death also visited my friends (and their family) this year too. in june, i received news that the daughter of a friend was killed while on a leadership trip to mount kinabalu. it hit me somewhat cos i had watched the child grow up since she was born. it was not natural to visit a child's funeral and see the child in the coffin. at work, i lost a colleague to cancer. it added to the list of death that happened in 2015 and everyone of us who knew her, mourned her loss quietly. and compared to previous years where i initiated much activities (both formal and informal) amongst my colleagues to bring people together, i maintained a very low profile this year. i did not see any value in doing it due to the very abusive nature of my boss who liked to question every single thing we do. but i was glad my colleagues rallied around me, each in their own little personal ways. i was rather surprised and touched by the frequent little notes and messages of encouragements from across the different positional levels in the company. it was very heart warming. friends and colleagues were also a major source of support for me when mum passed away. i was surprised by the huge amount of support that poured in after her passing. during this period, quite a few friends (and even online friends) surprised me by staying throughout the process with me, to support me emotionally and kept in contact constantly even after the funeral. frankly, the support and encouragement given was a huge source of strength for me. i foresee having more time in 2016 to strengthen my relationships with my friends. and that is what i will do - build and strengthen the relationships amongst my circle of friends, and if possible, expand my network of friends.

bloggers/ blogging

my blogging frequency dropped in 2015. for that matter, the total number of entries for the whole of 2015 was less than half of that seen in 2014. compared to previous years where i would simply pen my thoughts at the end of the day, my blogging pattern in 2015 was such that i would blog only once or, at most, twice at the end of the work week. i was too drained at the end of each day and i was not motivated to write. and added to that, i found myself trending towards writing about all the negativity at work. my lack of motivation to blog was perhaps best reflected in the fact that this entry was written over a 2-day period from 31 dec 2015 to 1 jan 2016 and i had to post-date it to 23:59hrs 31 dec 2015 so that it could be listed as the final entry for 2015. for 2016, i will certainly continue to write. and i am sure, with the new phase in life that i am entering, my entries will 2016 will be different from those in my previous years.

home/ personal effects

there were indeed many changes in the home front this year. and i guessed this was, to a large part, due to the fact that i had lived in my condo for almost 18 years. the wear and tear had started to appear since last year where i experienced water seepage in my kitchen. something similar also happened towards the end of the year where my neighbours downstairs lodged a complain about water seepage from my unit. apparently, the water pipes in my bedroom started leaking and water entered his unit resulting in the warping of his wall papers... darned water pipes. other than that, my washing machine also broke down. ended up shopping for a new replacement. my car reached it's 10-year life cycle and i had to get a replacement to ensure mum's mobility (to bring her out for dinners, shopping, medical reviews, etc). and i installed ceiling fans in my bedrooms to improve the circulation to address mum's complains that she felt warm at night. i ended the year repainting mum's room. there will likely be more such replacements in the year 2016 and objectively speaking, i will wait for sapphie to die first before i do any refurbishment/ renovation for the house. let's see how things go.

in conclusion, 2015 was a really trying and eventful year for me on all fronts. at the national-level, it was the country's 50's anniversary and amidst the year-long celebrations, the country mourned the lost of our founding father. it was a bitter sweet year for all. for me, it was not much different. it was a year filled with many endings (and new beginnings). there were huge challenges, ups and downs, happiness and sadness. and from my reflections, it was clear that the demise of many people around me (and my car), and the trying environment at work shaped the year to a huge extend. on the other hand, this year was also one that forced me out of my comfort zones. and through it all, i was forced to adapt, to learn and to grow. and from this perspective, the year was a challenging but a good one. 2016 will certainly be a year of new experiences and major adjustments in life. i look forward to it.

happy 2016 everyone.