unacceptable conduct...

as i reflected on the issue of managing heartbreaks, i also thought about some of the things that i have seen and that i will not accept nor engage in when it comes to relationships. to me these are very unethical and reflects a value-system of the individual/s that is very different from mine. i shall share a few of them here. but i do want to qualify that these are what i will not do, but i will not judge people when they do it for i do have friends who commonly do such things. here goes.

• i will not flirt with a friend's partner, openly or secretly. no matter how cute he is or how close i am to them, my friend's partner will always be his partner. explicit compliments will only be made known in the presence of my friend. flirting with a friend's partner as an individual will invariably lead to more things and i do not want to mislead nor create conditions whether either one of us will get ourselves caught in difficult emotional knots. this is about self-responsibility. failure to uphold this, to me, is a sign of the lack of self-love and self-security; and a lack of respect to my friend.

• i will not date a friend's partner secretly. no matter how desirable he is, my friend's partner will always be his partner. ditto above.

• i will not shag nor get shagged by a friend's partner secretly. no matter how desirable or well-endowed he is, my friend's partner will always be his partner. ditto above.

• i will not break a friend's relationship no matter how distant this friend is.

• i will not enter into a relationship with someone within my group of close friends.

• i will not draw lines with friends who break-up with their partners. 

• i will not take sides with any single party of the couple when they break-up. people break-up for reasons that are valid to them. and if they come to me, i will listen and i will share my perspective but i will not take sides

again, i iterate here that while i do not condone not engage in such behaviour, it doesn't mean i will judge nor stop my friends from doing it. for that matter, i do have friends who exchange partner with each other like nobody business. it's rather weird. it's like "a" pairs with "b", "c" pairs with "d", "e" pairs with "f", then "a" secretly dates "c", "b" secretly dates "e", they shag each other behind each other's back... and then when one finds out, everything went awry, but after a few weeks, when the emotions cool down, the new equation is "a" pairs with "c", "b" pairs with "e", etc... and then the musical chairs happen again a few months later within the same group... it's very confusing right?

no, no, no... such inter-friend dynamics is totally beyond me...  

:-)

picture from http://www.homorazzi.com

heartbreak heartaches

this is one of the few songs that i enjoyed during my childhood days. i heard it earlier when i was in shop & save and it prompted me to post this song in this blog. when i heard this song long time ago as a young boy, i thought it was so romantic and that the girl was such a poor thing to be subjected to such treatments by the boyfriend. but these days, when i listen to the lyrics, i was like... errr... hey bitch, get a life, that guy doesn't deserve you! move on girl! no one owes you a living and no one owes you your self-love and dignity, so... get a life and move on. anyway, as i heard this song earlier, it kinda resonated with me becos this period seemed to be a "break-up" period amongst many of my friends. and naturally, i became the aunt agony for a few of them. it's not easy to hear them wallow and go on and on about their issues, etc. but having had gone through a break-up myself, i could understand their tensions. so, i told myself that the least i could do for them was to give them a listening ear. and there were quite a few sms exchanges and thoughts that i felt was rather interesting...

• it was the birthday of one of my friend's partner of 15 years and i smsed him "happy birthday". he told me he was at a spa, alone. i replied and wished him a happy and enjoyable dinner. and his reply came very quickly and it went: "oh, if you are still not aware, so-and-so and i are no longer together". hmmm, i had seen it coming but still, when this news broke, it didn't feel good. i replied: "well, you are still my friend." and he smiled back. i hate it when friends take sides when their common couple-friend break-up, or worse still, they themselves decide to draw lines amongst their friends like as though their friends are objects that can be shared.

• another friend of mine dumped his 8-year partner a couple of months back as his partner was having (many) affairs outside their relationship. and interestingly, he also knows his ex's current bf. but he is on ok terms with him and could only give them his blessings. he shared this with me recently that his ex posted a picture in his fb page declaring how he would not cheat on his current bf... certainly, he did not feel good. the feeling was one of betrayal, jealousy, forlorn, yearn, anger, all mixed together. worst still, he also knew very sure that his ex is not a person who will not be able to live up to his declaration of not cheating...

• another friend of mine told me a while back he had been dumped. and of cos it hit him from out of nowhere. but well, he didn't take it too well and had been very affected by the whole episode. of cos, i became the de facto aunt agony (again). and i got smses from him telling me about his thoughts rather frequently. it was interesting cos all his smses reminded me of myself and how i went through my several break-ups up till james. end of the day, i reflected and thought what my first ex did to me was the most effective in the long run... he gave me the cold turkey treatment. he did not contact me until 3 years later. by that time, i had recovered. in cold turkey treatments, either the "dumper" gives the cold turkey treatment to the "dumpee" or the "dumpee" make the resolve to block the "dumper" and subject himself to the cold turkey treatment. whatever the scenario, it will not be easy for the "dumpee"... but having experienced it before, i can say with full confidence that this is the most effective and in the long run, most humane way to get a person to move on.

ok, enough of rantings about heartbreaks. it is always interesting and painful to experience and/ or to see friends going through breakups. it is easy for me to say what i said above when i am objective and clear. but certainly, when one is in the thick of the emotional swings... i can only empathize. listen and provide a shoulder to cry on. i wish all my friends and anyone going through such difficult patches the strength to move along and to move on. i always tell them this... move on, when one truly loves a person, let go. for the ability to love another person and to let another person go is a true reflection of one's self-love, confidence and worth.

:-)

about the teeth & the tongue

yes, this is masaki koh, the famous and (in my opinion) overly exposed japanese gay porn actor. yeah, he is quite a good-looking chap, and of cos, very very well-endowed for a japanese/ asian. for more of him, you can check out the link i got the photo from below. but no, this is not going to be a cheeky post. on the contrary, it will be rather serious. have used this photo cos it has what i was looking for - teeth and tongue. you know, it's actually not too easy to find a picture of a cute face with tongue and teeth in the internet. haha... anyway, the following proverb that mum used to tell me when i was much younger crossed my mind earlier and thought i should capture it here...

"gigi dengan lidah ada kala-nya bergigit juga..."

it can be explained as "even the teeth will bite the tongue sometimes". this proverb can be used to depict the fact that even the best of friends (or family members), like the teeth and the tongue who are so close to one another, may end up biting (or fighting) each other once a while. and i remembered using it in my unit to manage conflicts between my trainers (where many of them are malay). and you can imagine the impact it has on on them to be able to see the logic and the need for peaceful coexistence. such is the beauty of proverbs. and for me, to be able to use a malay proverb to manage conflict allowed me to create a much deeper impact and to allow me to bond better with my trainers, more so than any of my predecessors had ever achieved.

i still think of my team once a while...

:-)

picture from koh masaki | Tumblr

locked out of car

last weekend, i was locked out of my own car.

you see, my mum and i had wanted to visit my brother's place and my bro asked me to also pick up a long time family friend along the way. en route, it started raining badly and when we arrived, i decided to wipe dry the car before heading up. and so, i asked my family friend to accompany mum to the house first. when i was done with the drying, i realized the door had self-locked. darned! oh no, oh no, i thought, bee was overseas for work and the only spare key i have was in the car! i tried to pry open the window but it was no use. 

it was then that i recalled my car had previously been broken into during a trip to malaysia and the boot lock had been damaged. i had not repair it cos the lock was still functioning pretty well despite the fact that i could not use the key to lock it anymore. with no other options, i decided to get a screw driver to see if i could unlock the damaged lock with it. and guess what... it worked! hurray!

in the end, i managed to climb into the car via the boot and unlock it. with that experience, i now leave my spare key with my brother. and in a weird way, i was glad my car was broken into before...

haha!

picture from www.nydailynews.com

meaningful unemployment

it has been almost 6 months since i left my previous company. i will start work next week. looking back, i am glad to have spend time well catching up with myself, consolidating a lot of things, as well as catching up with with family and friends, many of whom i had not been able to catch up for a long while. it was indeed a good break. 

this week is my final one before i start work. and since i got the offer, i have been inundated with many calls asking time for lunch, tea, dinner etc... and it seemed like suddenly i do not have enough time for myself and people around me. and coincidentally, my supervisor in the university also called me up again asking me to meet up for lunch. and knowing that there is no such thing as a free lunch, i was sure his intention was to get me to conduct lessons for him again cos the new academic semester for his masters course would be starting soon. i told myself i needed to prioritize.

and gladly, i think i managed to do this part relatively well. there were 3 priorities for me this week. firstly, i need to give thanks and show appreciation to those who matter, to spend time with bee and to spend time with mum. so, i bought the friend who gave me the connections to get this job a lunch on monday. i thought this was most important and necessary. we need to forever remember to give thanks for people who help us. secondly, i made time for bee and for mum. for bee, we have not gone for a break since our perth trip in jul 2009 before i left service and i felt it is very important to spend good time with him. but things did not turn out well as he came faced with some difficulties at home last minute. nonetheless, we managed to spend a day out together yesterday. as for mum, i wanted to create something meaningful for her. i had originally planned to bring her to kl/ ipoh. but this did not materialize for all sorts of reasons. nonetheless, i am not too disappointed. i will still be able to make this weekend a meaningful one for her as we (together with my brother and his family) will head to the columbarium to pay respect to my grandparents and dad as part of this year's 清明 observance.

other than that, every other appointments can wait.

many have asked me if i am excited about heading back to work. frankly, i don't know. on one hand, i can say i am not really excited per se cos it means an end to my carefree lifestyle, one that i have gotten used to somewhat over time. from this angle, going back to work is quite a chore. yet, i know i have to given the practicality of life. after all, i need to bring food to the table and as it stands, if i do not start work, i will have to start borrowing monies to sustain my livelihood. on the other hand, i am a little anxious about it given the fact that it is the first time i will be working in a corporate environment, and that i will not have many subordinates (actually only one) per se. but well... things will come. like it or not, i will start work next week. and yes, all things said and done, i look forward to it.

:-)

picture from http://www.hartlandmassage.com

unrealized trips

i had actually planned to do at least 2 trips this week to malaysia before i start work next week. i had wanted to do these trips quite desperately cos i have not really gone on a break since 4-5 years ago. and during the last employment, trips were not planned due to the hectic nature of the work. also, my financial status was ok, but not enough to have trips. and since mum moved in last year, all trips become impossible without having her getting into her anxious and behaving crazy... and so, i thought before i start work next week, i should do something about it.

firstly, i had planned to head to melaka with bee yesterday. but bee couldn't make it last minute. might as well i thought, after all, the car is having some problems with the engine... so...

and secondly, i had also planned to drive mum up to kl, and possibly up to ipoh to visit my uncle. i thought it would be nice to have her meet up with my uncle since she had not seen him since the 1985 (?) and i reckoned it will be her last trip too cos (1) she is getting on with age and (2) when i start work, i will not likely be able to do so. 

but in the end, this too had to be cancelled given the multiple issues that remained challenging. firstly, it was the car clickety click problem, secondly, i was not sure if i could handle all the logistics (diapers, etc), the drive and taking care of mum alone during the trip given the fact that my back is still unwell and lastly, something that i only realized last week, was the fact that this friday is good friday and that there would be non-stop jams on the roads as well as at the causeway, hotels would be packed (and not to mention, expensive), and that i was not even sure if mum herself could take the long journey...

so, in the end, both trips were cancelled. but well, i guess it is not where i go but the fact that i was able to spend time with bee and mum and to also do it without too much stress on me, physically, mentally and financially. is this self-consolation? hmmm...  

gotta start work soon!

car problems

my car has this clickety clickety sound whenever i drive it. this sound started last year and i had it cleared when i send it for servicing. i was initially concerned that it would post a danger to me when i drive but the servicing guys assured me things were ok. they explained that it is quite normal for older cars to have such sounds and that once they change the engine oil, things would be well. and yes, things indeed went well after they changed the oil. and this was the case almost every time my car was due for servicing. but of late, things began to feel a little wrong.

since 2 months back, the clickety sound started again. hmmm, i thought, the servicing was not due until mar 13 and i decided to hold the servicing and live with the sound. this time round however, the sound continue to click even after servicing. if you really want to remove it totally, you would probably need to overhaul the engine, i was advised. i decided against it given the relatively old age of the car. and last week, the "check engine oil" light started appearing. and i also noticed i needed to crank the car a little longer before the engine comes alive... i sensed something seriously wrong. sighs... but i thought i'd delay the repair cos i am not in the best of financial health now...

but in the end, i decided to bring my car to the service center again this morning. needed to sort this out before i start work. also, i will need to use the car to bring my mum out as well as to drive my bro's family over this coming weekend to pay respect to my dad. turn out... the engine oil is low and needs to be topped up. as to whether there are any other problems, my mechanic told me it is unlikely but to just observe first. 

and in the end, i only needed to pay $7 for the topping up of the engine oil. hopefully, things do not fall apart so soon...

whew! 

ops grasshopper

was having my day out with bee and was at the shopping mall. this mall in the eastern part of the island had positioned itself as a green mall and had lots of plants as part of its architectural designs. and interestingly, there are also plants planted in its toilets that has this ventilation space that opens up to the roof too. what happened was that halfway walking about, i needed to pee and made my way to one of the toilets while bee continued shopping. and after doing what i needed to do, i saw a grasshopper hopping about at the wash basin.

hmmm, it must be quite a journey for it to find its way into to toilet, i thought as i walked out of the toilet. and as i did so, i looked around and realized that it would be rather impossible for the grasshopper to get out of the toilet by itself. cos to do so, it has to navigate its way from the sink through a couple of bends before it can reach the plants, and then it had to fly up 3 stories before it can get out of the building. i concluded it must have fallen into the toilet by mistake. if i were to leave it in the toilet, it would die for sure. this cannot do, and i decided to rescue the grasshopper.

it was kinda funny cos i had walked out of the toilet already and to walk in again would look very awkward. i had to ensure the people around did not misperceive me as a toilet stalker and following people in and out toilets, waiting to prey on them. and so, i took a few steps, pretend pretend to check my phone, send some sms etc before heading into the toilet again. there was a guy peeing and sensing he wasn't looking at me, i quickly tried my attempts at catching the grasshopper. heh heh... not easy cos it hopped up and down and all over the basin area. up to the mirror, down to the basin, up to the side wall, and then to the mirror again... before i finally caught it (gently).

bee was waiting for me outside the shop when i walked out of the toilet with the grasshopper in my hand. explained to him my intentions and we left to look for the exit hurriedly. the grasshopper was really frighten, judging from the way it panted (i could feel the abdomen moving as i made my way out). but all went well when i finally placed it on the bushes outside the mall. it perched itself on one of the leaf. and when bee tried to touch it, it hopped off!

all's well that ends well!

:-)

picture from http://deography.com

day out w bee

bee took a day's leave yesterday. had wanted to head up to melaka with him before i start work. i had also planned to tell mum i will be needed for an office event for the whole day/ evening and had arranged with my sis to settle her dinner for her. this would, hopefully, manage her mental state and not cause her to get anxious. but the trip did not materialize in the end and things became superbly spontaneous...

due to some issues, bee couldn't leave for malaysia last minute. and we had to cancel the trip the day before. thankfully, we had only planned for a day trip and did not make any hotel bookings whatsoever. quickly, i changed the program such that we would have our breakfast and head out for some outings through the day before heading for a nice dinner. in short, the plan became a local day out. 

yesterday came, and mum went for her rehab at 9am as per usual. bee came to pick me up about 1030am and we headed out for breakfast and then... mum called. i am not feeling well, she said, i wanna go home. come and pick me. hmmm, wtf, she's manja-ing again, i thought. but well, ok, will have to pick her regardless. and just like that, our day out was interrupted. bee quickly send me home, and i went to pick mum up before settling lunch for her. i was not happy for the fact that the frequency of her calling me and telling me to pick her up from the rehab center in the middle of the day has increased significantly of late. how do i stop her from doing so? she has recently taken to the habit of doing so when she feels she wants to come home for whatever reasons. and she would cry-baby about her pains, her body aches, etc, although when i pick her up, she seemed ok. this cannot continue once i start work.

i called my sis and she told me to leave her alone and to ignore her calls, something that i couldn't do lest she gets upset and start throwing tantrums. balancing between the lesser of both evil, i picked her up in the end. i had to work and will be home late, i told her. for all intent and purpose, i wanted her to get used to my absence. i cannot allow her to assume i will always be at her beck and call, not when things are still new when i start work next week. you cannot do this next time, if you feel unwell, you should lie down on the bed at the rehab center and not insists on me picking you. i told her. and she got angry. if you don't like me to stay in your house, i will move out... she retorted as i drove her home. and for that moment i blew my top. don't you ever suggest moving out again... etc etc etc... well, the conversation spiral downwards for a while but recovered soon. i guessed i have come to a stage where i could blow my top yet at the same time sound pro-her. she listened to me chide her yet sayang her, and kept quiet. we came home and i quickly changed into my executive wear before "rushing off".

met up with bee for a lunch after that and did a bit of shopping before heading home at 5pm. mum was kinda surprised i came home in the afternoon as i had told her i would be home late. office dinner will start at 8pm and i came back to ensure you are ok, i told her. she seemed pretty fine with this and she kept quiet. and the whole staging repeated come dinner time. things went relatively ok i guessed. and much as i had wanted it to be a nice, slow and easy day out with bee before i start work, it ended up a much disrupted day out instead. nonetheless, the moments away from mum was a good short relief for me. 

:-) 

hawker's cock ring...

omg! guess what i saw at the hawker center?! a hawker using a cock ring as a paper weight! lol!

no shit! it was not a napkin ring, it was not a ring binder, no... nothing of those. trust me, as a person who has looked far and wide, high and low at different types of cock rings and have also tried it before, i could recognize a cock ring when i see one! but admittedly, i had initially told myself it was not one as it seemed a little too large - about 2.5" diameter. then i took a step closer and scrutinize the ring and concluded that it was one. and i was 99% sure uncle couldn't use it cos asians don't usually wear 2.5" size.  lol! but i was sure uncle couldn't have bought it himself. he seemed too doh! to even know such things exist (else he wouldn't have used it for such a practical purpose). perhaps it was a case of someone throwing away the ring and uncle happened to find it. and he picked it up and thought to himself... oooo, nice paper weight! and the rest was history. right? 

but well, it was clear hawker uncle and his wife were totally oblivious to the fact that that was a cock ring! it was business as usual. through my wait, hawker uncle was busy preparing the food, while his wife were kept busy packing the takeaways, and in doing so, had to keep moving the cock ring paper weight to remove the packing paper. haha. so, i whipped out my iphone and quietly snap a picture and send the picture to some friends. and yes, almost all had the same response of disbelief! followed by wah... so big!!! so funny! anyway, the following was one of the more classic and funny conversation...

dilbert: was the hawker uncle cute?

me: "mirror mirror on the wall..." mirror cracks...

dilbert: so mean...

me: lol!

my transgender ex-colleague

as i wrote about my lesbian ex-colleague, i was reminded of an ex-colleague who went for a sex change while serving under me. that was the year 2001/ 2002. i was working in the hq and i had 2 lady officers working in my team and one of them was very masculine in terms of her behaviour and conduct. and there was a lot of talk about this lady. but well...

actually, when i joined that department, many who had previously worked with her warned me about her. some of the adjectives used to describe her include lazy, skiver, full of excuses, full of medical appointments, and so on. it wasn't very nice. but i was sure she had her reasons and i believe she will share with me when i have her trust. also, when i join any teams, i had this simple principle - everyone is equal and there is not one better than the others, everyone has to win his or her own respect and place in the team by being a good team-member. and it was with this that i conducted myself as the head of the section, and later head of the branch. over time, i managed to gain her trust. and over time, she came to find out that her brother is a close friend of james (my ex). and as to whether she knows that james and i were together, i didn't know and i didn't ask. after all, i have always been very careful to draw clear lines between my professional self and my personal life. but one day, she came to my office and requested to talk to me in private. i sensed that she wanted to share some rather personal stuff and agreed to close my office door (i usually keep my doors open, especially with female colleagues).

that was when she shared that she had this medical condition called sexual dimorphism and had been undergoing a long term treatment at the hospital. the treatments she needed to go through include counseling, hormonal treatments etc. and she explained that it was these treatments that had caused her to feel unwell, had mood swings, and often sick. but the key reason she wanted to talk to me was that she wanted to pre-empt me about her impending transition. that she would be undergoing some hormonal treatments, etc before undergoing the knife. frankly, when she told me her plans, i was at a total loss at what to do. i knew there was no directives nor policies with regards how to handle such cases. and so, faced with such a situation where the staff was seated in front of me and giving me all these personal details, i decided to just do what i felt was most humanly correct. i thanked her for the trust in me and told her that as her head, there was a need to me to also share what she said to my boss (in confidence, of cos) and she gave her consent. i assured her that i would give her my full support as she undergo the treatment and that apart from my boss, her medical condition and treatments will be kept secret. but i was sorely disappointed and shocked with my boss's reaction. once i told him about it, he exclaimed "why nowadays young people liddat!? how come they want to engage in such practices!" somehow for that moment, it gave me a glimpse of what his attitudes towards non-straights were. and after some further discussions about how to manage her, i walked out of his office feeling very disturbed by his attitudes to my staff, who obviously needed all the support at that point in time! 

anyway, my staff went for the operation and came back as a he. regrettably, i was no longer with the department when he came back for i got posted out of the unit as he was still under medical leave. and we lost contact after that. i understood that he was subsequently posted to another unit and that the unit manpower officer was told to keep his past a secret. but sadly, this news was eventually leaked out. he became the gossip of the whole formation, was ostracized by many and in the end, decided to leave the service for good. i felt sad for him. he had gone through so much to get to where he was. and i was sure the mental and emotional pains he suffered as a result of being the subject of many gossips and being ostracized was far more painful that his physical pains and the transitioning.

i met him again at east coast park one day while i was jogging. i went up to say hi and instinctively i addressed him by his previous female name. he shared that he had changed his name and gave his new name to me. i wanted to talk more to him, ask how things were and whether he was well. but somehow, things felt a little awkward. he simply smiled, gave short replies that he was doing ok and quickly left. till today, whenever i think about him, i feel a tinge of regret not being there to help him more during his transitioning process. but i do tell myself that i had done what i needed to do, and to provide him a listening ear when i was in hq.

it's been more than 11 years. i am sure he has fully recovered physically by now. and i do sincerely hope he is happy too.

my lesbian ex-colleague

you know, we gays are one helluva kind... we are always so absorbed into ourselves, we do not really talk about other people other than ourselves (as gay men!). we don't even talk much about our closest community - the lesbians and transgenders (i hate macs! they always autocorrect my words... transgenders become transponders! arghhh!). it seemed like in this whole gay community, there is only one group called gaymen. also, we yak-and-yak and and bitch all the time about straights, we complain about being discriminated to the point of not seeing all the good things that have happened/ are happening to us, la la la... but i think it is a good time to pause and see things from the other perspectives and less from our self-centric angles. 

ok, i am ranting... 

well, lets get back to why i am writing this post... yup, it's about my lesbian ex-colleague. you see, as i surf my linkedin page earlier on, i came across a very familiar female name. i recognized this person to be a female officer in the military. and it seemed she had left the service a few years back. but what caught my attention was the fact that she looked really good! now, no, no, i said really good not becos i am attracted to her. i am gay, 100% gay k? i would even consider myself lesbian if i make out with a bottom! hahaha! ok, just joking! anyway, the reason why i said she looked really good was cos she really really looked good! confident, happy, natural smile, cheerful, smart... yup, you get it... all the positive adjectives you can find that can describe a person. but now... wait. this was certainly not the person i knew from service. during the military days, she was, yeah ok, happy and cheerful and hardworking and all. but when compared with the picture i see, she was far off back then in terms of the genuine happiness she exude now. 

also, "smart" is not a word one would usually use to describe a female. but yes, she looked very smart! and she reminded me of a typical butch. and i was curious (or you can say, kaypoh) enough check out her profile in facebook. and tada! there were so many signs of gaydom! she liked pages related to gay rights, she has photos with other butches, she has 2 cats (i donno why, but many of my lesbian friends has cats), etc etc etc. and i came to one conclusion. she is lesbian. and i also concluded that her departure from service and the conditions that now allow her to be more explicit about her sexuality did wonders to her! and for that moment, i felt a very warm feeling in me. i felt really happy to see her embracing herself so well. and most importantly, the process had made her what she is today. 

truly happy. 

glowing old

yup, glowing old and not growing old...

i have always been advocating growing old graciously. cos i believe that youth, external beauty and all things associated is impermanent. that is the law of nature. everything and everyone will grow old with time. there is no escape. but i strongly believe that we can grow old graciously. and when we do so, we will naturally glow with age! and i reiterate here again after coming face-to-face with a few rather disturbing experiences recently.

firstly, i have a friend who is petrified of getting and looking old. never never ever mention the "o" word to this friend of mine. and no, it is not "orgasm". i would be very happy if it was orgasm... but that is besides the point. the "o" word to this friend is "old". and probably to this person, it signifies weakness, loneliness, whatever... and so, to not look her age (ya, i am not even saying, looking like a teenager), this friend would go for botox treatment every few months. need to keep the young look, she maintained. and i was thinking... hmmm, if at 30, i want to continue to look 30, i go for botox and manage to do so... and at 35, i still want to look 30, and at 40, i still want to look 30... imagine the impossibility of such desires. what's most important is to look healthy! no?

and talking about looking healthy, this friend of mine, and many other gay friends too, have been trying hard to look thin. and thankfully, they have not gone to the point to want to look pencil thin. but really, i personally think older people should focus on looking and staying healthy rather than thin and/ or losing weight. the thing with the human body is that as we get on with age, our body will shrink (in part due to loss of muscle mass). and when this happen, we will begin to look a little saggy. after all, our size is like our clothes. once we lose our mass, it becomes oversize. and so, if we still force ourselves to be as thin as we can, we will end up looking very "saggy" and haggard. but on the other hand, if we focus on being healthy and not be too bothered about the little bits of padding all round, we can glow like santa claus. and i seriously think nature has bestowed this on us cos as we grow older, we naturally will look a little fatter cos our metabolic rate will drop. no? haha... also, think of this, ever see a healthy dried prune? yup, you should get the point.

and lastly, i wanna write about someone i know. he was (and still is) a reasonably handsome person. straight, and very successful in his career. he is in the airline industry and used to have a to-die-for happy family that was the envy of many people. but alas, due to his expressed desire to stay young and want to be forever young, he end up exchanging his family for his desires. his family is now broken. he had divorced his wife. his children have been placed under his wife's custody and they moved out of his house a couple of years ago. i can only suspect it was a direct result of his desire to maintain and prove his virility and youth for he has always shared that he is afraid of growing old. and even while he was married, he continued to led a carefree lifestyle with young women and engaging in dangerous sports. he is now pushing 50 (or perhaps already in his 50s), and still live a lifestyle of a swinging bachelor. he has a girlfriend, goes around public places wearing a straw hat, loose singlet and berms. and he strums his guitar and sings old songs too. he reminds me of a hippy in the swinging 70s. i saw him recently and he told me he is having a bad bout of flu, yet he planned to head off to thailand to wind-surf and to have fun. and in his own words "if i don't play now, i will not be able to play once i get old"...

while i celebrate their strong conviction to youth and the efforts, i also feel a little tinge of sadness for them. it seemed like they have allowed their desires to stay and look young consume them without them realizing it. desires... sighs... i can only wish them peace of mind when the time comes for them to reconcile the fact that they need to eat sleep shit their age. in short, live their age.

ok, enough of the rantings... i need to go do up my face now...

hmmm... where's my sk ii mask?

lol!

ps: have posted the song titled "forever young" by alphaville above. it was a superbly popular song in the '80s and was banned in some countries. accordingly, some people were reported to have committed suicide after getting so hooked onto this song and didn't want to grow old... 

new beginnings...

people get into relationships, and people fall out of relationships. i see this happening amongst many friends and i too have gone through them. but it is so bloody different when i see my own dragon-year niece going through it, so bloody bloody different. over the past couple of years, i saw her gone into a relationship, commit her all, and then fell out of the relationship... and then recover and found a new love after some time. and finally she's getting married this year! and no, i did not become emotional and cry buckets like how mummies, aunties, and some more emo uncles would in movies. but i certainly felt a little emotional (just a wee little) about the whole thing. it seemed so recent when i carried her in my arms. and i bought her her first toy, a blue cookie monster! i still remember how she was just about twice the size of the baby cookie monster. haha! and now, she is getting married! ok, to be exact, in sep this year, but well...

anyway, i will not be invited to her wedding. my eldest sis continues to hold grudges against me and insisted that my niece do not do so. and knowing my niece, she will feel very upset cos she was very close to me. and as expected, she apologized to me earlier after i whatsapped her to ask her about the date and to also remind her to invite my mum. told her that mama (my mum) is really looking forward to it and had purchased a blouse for the occasion. thankfully, my niece said she would do so... and no, please don't feel bad about not inviting me, i understand, i told her. and please do not be upset with your mum for i do also admit i had said some unpleasant things to her during the days leading up to my dad's demise in 2008. what's important is that you are happy. and to know that you have the thoughts about inviting me is all that matters.  

she seemed a little more cheerful after i told her i understand. glad that i had released her the tensions about it. i wish her all the happiness in her life. 

ps: ya, i know i have blogged about this when i saw her wedding shoot photo, but i wanted to write about it again cos i am feeling a little emo after whatsapping her about it...

picture from http://www.westfield.com.au

emo nemo

ok, ok... let me first say that there is really nothing about nemo the movie in this blog posting. the reason why i am using the title emo nemo is becos i thought i want to use something bright and cheery to depict something that is happening so often that it is really wearing me thin and bearing me down, and that i suspect will also bear down on anyone who has been reading this blog.

it's my mum again (no prize for guessing it right)! she's gone emo again today. shan't go into details except to mention that it is about her tensions of me heading out to do my exercises. understand from sis that she suspects i am actually not exercising but planning to harm her (yes, again). ok, won't go into details here. enough enough. i get tired of writing it again. and really, i am beyond getting angry already. she is a sick person (see! even typing this sentence felt a little too repetitive!).

so, ya... wow! look at that bright orange color! emo nemo (darned! apple has constantly auto-changed the word nemo to memo, cannot take it)! nice! cheerful! and yeah... i have once again, locked myself in my room to get away from all the emo-ness...

:-)

picture from http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2010/07/helping_your_kids_tune_out_the.html

the zoo

it was a long and tiring day. managed to get mum to go to the rehab after some slight coaxing this morning and met up with bee for breakfast before he headed to work. but what was interesting was that in late morning, my brother suggested i bring his wife and kids to the zoo cos it is school holiday. and i thought it would be a good break for mum and picked her up from the rehab center before picking my bro's family. we arrived at the zoo after lunch, baby in pram, toddler in arm, and elderly on wheelchair and all complete with bags and bags of baby stuff. heh heh... 

and the zoo staff all thought i had brought my wife and kids for an outing. thank goodness my sis-in-law didn't quite understand english. else, it would be so awkward. and yup, it was hard work pushing the wheelchair, helping to hold my niece and at times looking after my baby nephew... but it was rather fun. and of cos, we saw the animals... big cats, pandas, rhinoceros, etc etc etc... and hmmm, when at the zoo, i wondered again who was looking at who. was it us humans looking at the animals or was it the other way round? hahah...

whatever the case, it was a good but tiring day out.

:-)

pool of blood

i am very angry now. have been angry since 2 hours ago...

in the past 4 days, mum fell 3 times. and all 3 times, it was avoidable. 3 days ago, it was at the car park. she got out of the car and stepped onto her panties. yesterday, she fell at the car park after lunch. and it was becos she has the habit of throwing herself onto the car seat even before she fully got into the car. told her so many times not to do and many a times, i have to rush to her and hold her back before she throws herself onto the seat, and there had been many near misses, yet she still do it. and today, she fell again. and finally, things got bloody. very bloody for that matter. here're the details...

my sis did her laundry at my place and i helped her dry and fold her clothes for her. she was to come over to collect her laundry in the evening. and becos mum was feeling weak, i waited for sis to come before heading out to get groceries and household stuff at the nearby supermarket. mum asked me to go ahead, no need to stay by her as she would be fine. under normal circumstances i would proceed, but today i refused to cos i knew she was weak. so once my sis came over, i left. and to make sure she sleeps well, i administered her medication to her before leaving. once again, before leaving, i told her my sis would simply collect her laundry and that she should lie on the sofa and sleep (she refused to sleep in her room) and not move about unnecessarily. 

i went out and came back less than an hour later. when the lift door opened, i heard sapphie barked. i knew at once something was wrong for sapphie would usually not bark when mum was asleep. and when i opened the door, i found mum sitting on the floor by the kitchen door. and there was a pool of blood on the floor. mum looked a little daze and when she saw me, she said she fell. i spared no time to quickly get some water and tissue to clean the blood and checked where the blood came from. and i traced it to her toes. the skin on her toe joint had hardened and due to the fall, it cracked and bled. the crack was really bad. in fact, when i first looked at it, i thought her toe was about to fall off. it was just that scary.

as i cleaned her wounds and the pool of blood on the floor, i asked why she didn't take my advice and sleep. she said she wanted to close the kitchen door! omfg! her reply got me one helluva freaking angry. she has this bloody freaking fear of people coming into the house and she would go about closing doors and windows to ensure no one could come into the house (to harm her). and come on, this was not even a normal door! it was a kitchen door. a door installed to make sure the oil do not fly into the living room! and when i told her that since she was so fearful of unclosed doors, i might as well remove the kitchen door. after all, i rationalized, i do not cook much and this door was as good as non-functional. and she said, if you remove the door, i will move out of the house. what! it got me angrier. go, go and find a house in singapore that has a door between the kitchen and living room! hardly! and to think she threaten to leave the house just becos of a door. totally not logical! geeze! anyway, after cleaning up the blood, she couldn't get up. she was too weak to even carry her own heavy weight. and i couldn't carry her nor lift her up too cos my back was bad and still weak. it was not until some 10min of pulling and twisting that we managed to slowly get her to stand up and move back to the sofa. 

fucking hell! all the falls and the blood. just to close a freaking non-functional door.

totally illogical and not worth it.

vomit blood

today was vomit blood day. thankfully, i am no dracula, else i would have died of starvation. here's why...

i had to sign the contract today and had been told there will be a briefing of sorts for me after that. and since the contract signing was at 10.30am, i suspected i would only leave the office earliest by about noon. and so with this in mind, i told mum i will be in a meeting and that she should not call me. i needed to prep her cos it was her habit to call me at about noon daily during her lunch break. and given the fact that she was feeling the after-effects of yesterday's infusion, i told her she should rest at the rehab center and not do any exercise. i closed the loop by calling the rehab center and giving them instructions to let her rest. finally, i pushed my lunch appointment till 1.30pm. and with all these arrangements in place, i thought everything would went well and good. until...

i signed the contract at 10.30am. and the briefing went as planned. while i was in the middle of the talk with my chief, my mum called. i looked at the time. 11.30am. hmmm, she was early, i thought and ignored her call. the phone was in silent mode thankfully. the meeting ended at 12pm. i walked out of the office and i took a look on my phone... 11 missed calls. sighs. ok, not as bad as last week where i had 15 missed calls. i called back and she said she felt uneasy and her body ached. yes, it was to be expected for the next 3 days after her infusion i reminded her. she said she had never felt so pain before (as usual) and she wanted to take painkillers. normally, her medication timing was at 2-3pm (both painkiller and mental-medication for her paranoia). but ok, i said, since she was uncomfortable, i reckoned it should be ok to take it at 1pm. but do not take it any earlier i told her. i was conscious of the need to space out the mental-medication to balance off with her evening dosage at 9pm. she said ok and hung up. 5min later, i called her to check if she was feeling ok and she said she had taken her medication. wtf! arghhh... ok, ok... no choice. since she has taken it, so be it. but please rest and don't move about, i reminded her. her session normally end at 3pm and i would wait for her at the lift landing to escort her up, i said. she said ok and i proceeded to lunch with kwang.

i was in the middle of lunch when i got a call from the rehab center staff. your mum said she was feeling unwell, we want to send her to the hospital, he said. huh? no, no, there is no requirement to, i said. in fact, i had explained to their boss that mum would feel unwell today and simply needed to rest. yes, he said, but your mum said she feels very unwell and we do not know what to do. tell you what, can you come and fetch her home? we do not want to hold her. hmmm... wtf, ok, i will do so, i said. called mum and insisted she was ok resting at the rehab center. nonetheless, i ended the lunch early and rushed to the rehab center to fetch her. and when i reached there, i realized it was movie day. everyone was simply relaxing and watching a movie. it was then that i realized mum simply wanted to go home... 

somehow, i felt superbly agitated by the way things unfolded. i had done so much mental prep for her. i had given all sorts of instructions, i had called and checked, i had... yet, she simply insisted on her way. finally, i told her, if she goes on like this, it will be very difficult for me to start work. and her reply? ok, in that case, i shall simply stay at home and not go rehab center... faint, i placed her in the rehab center precisely becos i need to work!

sighs. as i noted earlier, an anxious mum is one helluva problematic. but what else can i do?

sighs sighs sighs...

signed!

i finally signed the offer today. and after signing, both my chief and my head went through with me quite a bit of stuff. and by the time i ended, it was about noon. it was a good session. quite unnerving and a little anxious about starting work given the many many things to be done. but well, bring it on!

with this, it marked the final closure to my job search. well, i am supposed to be happy. in a way, i can say i was... cos it laid my mind to rest for a good while. but in another way, i am conscious of the need to manage mum's anxieties due to the impending change in routines...

i start work 1 apr. 

:-)

unreasonable old man

brought my mum to the hematology center to have her infusion today. when we arrived, there was a bloody angry old man. i will not write the details of what transpired between the old man and the nurses, but suffice to say this old man was damned too bloody hostile and downright unreasonable. from the conversation (or rather, more like screaming on the part of the old man), here's what i managed to piece...

the old man had dropped the wife and daughter at the porch of the hospital block and proceeded to park his car. as he couldn't find a parking lot in the same block, he went around and managed to only get a lot 2 blocks away (which by sgh's standard and crowd, he was actually very fortunate). he arrived at the center 25 minutes later, obviously agitated. and when he saw his wife and daughter still waiting for her injection to be administered, he blew his top and blasted the nurses present for not attending to her.

now, what happened was that he had only brought the billing sheet and as it was not a prescription, the nurses could not order for the drugs. as such, the nurses had to call the doctor who issued the treatment to draw out a new prescription. not satisfied with the nurses' explanation that they could not start the process without a proper prescription, he scolded them for being inefficient and wasting his time for accordingly, he would therefore be late for his next appointment. and he went on to scream at the top of his voice that he was a paying patient and as such to get such a service was unacceptable.

he then turned to his wife and daughter and scolded them for being stupid and allowing the nurses to bully them into waiting unnecessarily. the wife simply looked helpless, kept quiet and let him scold. but the daughter, who seemed a little retarded, was obviously not happy at being scolded in public and rebuked him. she instead blamed the delay on him and said that he should have brought the other form instead (which i suspected was the prescription). the old man insisted he was right and that she should just shut up. he then turned back to the nurses and continued scolding them.

by that time, a team of nurses had gathered and they were frantically checking the patient's case file to see if there were any prescriptions issued. the old man continued to lambast the nurses for their inefficiencies. the poor nurses could not do anything but continue in their desperate but futile attempts to find the prescription. and through the whole period, the old man continue to blast every single one present. and he went on about how he and his wife (and daughter) had rushed to the hospital and that he had to drive at 90km/hr to meet the appointed time just to be kept waiting. and he demanded and insisted that they give the injection straightaway. the nurses held on and insisted they could not do so as there was no proper prescription, and that made the man even more agitated "you mean after 25.. no, now 30min the medication has still not arrived? this is not acceptable! you mean all these while you people were just sitting there and wasting my time?..." the old man went on and on. by this time, the old man had snatched one of the documents and started chiding the nurse for charging him for something that was not properly explained to him in his last visit. with no way to cool this man down, one of the nurses decided to call the nursing manager.

the nursing manager came soon and did a quick check on the situation and the cause of the issue. she apologized to the old man for the delay but insisted that they have to follow protocols in the interest of the patient. she tried to explain again about the need for the prescription before they could proceed to get the pharmacy to release the medication. the nursing manager also asked the nurses to prepare the equipment so that once the medication arrive, they could proceed immediately. all these happened and amidst the non-stop accusations of inefficiencies and lousy services by the old man. when finally the medication arrive, the infusion proceeded within seconds. even then the old man was not happy for he now scolded the nurse for the slow administration and payment... the room only had some quiet after he stormed out of it. sighs. you very well know how hostile the whole room got. there were quite a few other patients in the room too and all looked at the old man with eyes full of disgust. but what totally pissed me off was:

• he was downright unreasonable and hostile. there may be inefficiencies in the hospital, but he should not take it out on the nurses. and if there are any service lapses, he should have taken it up with the management and not throw his temper on the nurses. don't shoot the messenger, especially when the messenger were trying so hard to help you solve the issue. 

• i find it totally wrong when the old man's starting point was that the nurses were out to bully his wife. he shouldn't have gotten personal about it. who was the wife to the nurses that they have to deliberately bully? not a logical conclusion. simply emotional. i thought it reflected his own bad character instead.

• from what his daughter said (when she rebuked him), i could only suspect he was the cause of the whole delay since he did not bring "one particular document". and if so, he did not have the right to chide the hospital staff!

• it is not the first time he had brought his wife to the center. i am sure he would have waited too previously. and if so, why make so much noise now? i am sure he flared up and took it out on the nurses becos he was agitated with something else (finding a car park lot?).

• lastly, i find it totally unacceptable for him to scold his wife and daughter for being stupid and allowing people to bully them. whatever the reasons may be, no one, seriously... no one, should be called stupid, least from a father and a husband.

on the other hand, i was rather impressed with how the nurses kept their cool. of cos there were areas they could have done to calm things down. but certainly, their keeping the cool and escalating the matter to the nursing manager was the right thing to do. and certainly, i could see how the nursing manager had tried to focus on the issue and not the person. and when all things failed, all of them just focused on getting the right treatment to the patient, and leaving the old man to vent... that i thought was the right thing to do. i certainly do empathize with the situations that nurses can get into at times such as this. but well, there was nothing much i could do except to tell them they had handled the situation well and that it was well done! and as for mum, she had a classic response. she was so pissed off with the old man that she kept looking at him and saying out quite loudly that if he was so pissed off with the service, he might as well go home and not gone to the center for treatment. how's that for being direct! hahaha!

:-)

oz the great & powerful

managed to catch the midnight show, oz the great and powerful, over the weekend with bee.

and we were totally blown over by the movie. and despite reading all the wonderful reviews and building up my expectations, i was still wowed by the experience. it was exciting, colourful, vibrant, and well-paced. there were moments of avatar, there were moments of superman, and there were many many moments where i couldn't distinguish between what is real and what is computer graphics. and no, it did not come across as a kids movie. the themes of jealousy, hatred, greed, etc were all so adult. and it was certainly not about dorothy and her adventures with the lion, tin man, and the scarecrow. rather, the story in the show pre-dates dorothy's time and gave hints to the origins of the characters in the dorothy-version of wizard of oz. and this includes the scarecrow, the lion and certainly the background to the reasons behind the dynamics between the witches. good show. very entertaining. 

very well done. disney has done it again!

totally love it.

ps: and yes, i thought the guy who played oz (james franco) was really cute!

first picture from http://www.showbiz411.com, second picture from http://wonderwomanrises.blogspot.sg, third picture from http://www.sequel-buzz.com

"where did you go?"

last evening, i decided to head out of the house for tau huay in the evening. and in order to make sure mum does not freak out, i deliberately prep her mentally about it throughout the whole evening. and she seemed ok with it. so, after putting her to bed, i left.

when i returned not too long after, she had fallen asleep. quietly i brought the dog for her pre-sleep pee before retiring to bed. being a light sleeper, i was awaken about 1-ish by someone opening the main door. well, mum must have woken up to check the door, something that i have gotten used to cos she would check all the openings to make sure everything is locked in the middle of the night. and so, i went back to sleep. i was awaken at about 2am again, this time by her switching on her bedroom lights. hmm, she must have gone into her room to sleep, i thought and went back to sleep again. at about 3.45am, i was rudely awaken by sapphie's bark. next thing i knew, i heard mum calling out to me. immediately, i jumped out of bed to check and when i opened the door, it was a rather pitiful sight i saw.

mum looked all worried and scared. and she said she dare not sleep cos i had not returned. she had switched on all the lights in the house and added that she had been chanting non-stop through the night to ask god to protect her. she went further to question why i did not return till the wee hours of the morning... huh? i thought, what wee hours of the morning? of cos, i was not happy that she had over-reacted again. much as i wanted to get angry, i tried hard to hold back and reasoned with her that since sapphie was not in the living room, it could only mean that sapphie was asleep in my room. she then retorted that she thought i had taken sapphie out for a long walk and did not return through the night. hmmm, she was getting defensive i thought and i asked how come she did not check the presence of my slippers at the main door since she opened the door earlier? she kept quiet.

i told her she had over-reacted and that all her fear were totally unfounded and illogical. she kept quiet and went on to switch off all the lights again and went back to sleep. sighs. it seemed like her anxiety is working up again. and at this rate, i will probably end up being tired out again even before i start work 2 week's time!

but well, let's hope not. 

mum had a fall!!!

mum fell again yesterday. i panicked when it happened, but when i was more composed and smsed my siblings about the fall, i couldn't help but laughed out loud to myself. what happened was this...

i had brought mum home after breakfast. and as usual, i parked my car near the lift to minimize the need for mum to walk. i was careful not to park at one particular corner cos she had a fall previously after tripping on the uneven flooring. after i parked, mum alighted. and as usual, i reminded her to only stand up after placing both feet on the ground. she did so and seeing that things were ok, i got out of my driver's seat and closed the car door. after closing the car door, i heard a rather loud "thud" sound. i looked through the window and noticed mum was not around. my only conclusion was that she had fallen. 

i rushed to the other side of my car and true enough, she was on lying the ground. ran over to help her up. i asked her if she had knocked on her head or any specific parts of the body. no, i landed on my kar chng (buttocks) she said. and that was when i noted that she was trying to pull something from her leg underneath her sarong. i lifted her sarong and upon looking closer, i saw her struggling to pull her panties that was caught between her feet and her sandal. it was then that i realized, and she confirmed, that she had fallen becos as she was getting up, her panties had fallen off and she had stepped onto it. apparently, she had not realized it becos she was wearing diapers and did not feel it dropping off. 

i took the panties from her and yes, it was that particular one whose rubber lining had lost its elasticity over time. the same one that i had wanted to throw away many a times but mum, being mum, had protested as she insisted "it can still be used". well, that fall presented a perfect reason for me to throw it away although she still protest on grounds that it could now be used to wipe her feet. i threw it away nonetheless. and so... 

yeah, now you know why i laughed. it sounded rather illogical, and considering it happened in broad day light at the car park, it was rather funny... and this was how my sms sounded... "mum had a fall this morning at the carpark becos her underwear dropped off, but she's alright. her diapers cushioned her fall as she landed on her butt..."

second childhood

i decided this title second childhood cos i do observe a lot of similarly between mum and babies. for example, whenever i look into my baby nephew's open mouth and see the toothless gums, i get reminded of mum... haha... but of cos, there is nothing that could beat this.

i brought mum to the bedok hawker center for breakfast yesterday and decided get you char kway for mum. there was a long queue and being afraid of mum getting anxious, i passed my iphone to her and switched on a short video clip of my 3-month old nephew. she looked at it and she started laughing and soon was talking to my nephew in the iphone video. ang-gurrrl ang-gurrrl she cooed happily. soon enough, she got so engrossed in it that she didn't really bothered when i told her i'll leave her alone. in fact, when i came back with her you char kway some 10-15 minutes later, she was still deeply engaged with the video (she had tapped the screen to replay the video non-stop while i was away).

funny right? this is no different from how parents would pass their ipad to their kids to distract them whenever they are busy...

:-)

dreams

have lots of dreams over the past few days. and unlike 2 weeks back where my dreams were generally very disturbing, those that occurred recently were rather neutral or neutral-positive. and interestingly, i would stir from my sleep immediately after the dream, reflect about it, and think about how to capture it in writing when i wake up fully in the day... but by the time i wake up, i had forgotten every contents of the dreams.

weirdly, i do remember the broad structure of the dreams and they were something like a dream within a dream (wait, can't recall that show... inception or something). but yeah, like 2 days ago, i had a very long dream. i could only recall the structure of the dream. no, it was 2 dreams. i cannot recall if they were 2 separate dreams, as in one after another, or if the second dream was a dream within the first dream. but i vaguely recalled that the first dream was quite a negative one and it involved my mum. as for the second dream, conceptually it was almost the same as the first, except that it was repeated in a very positive angle, or to be specific, a funny angle. in fact funny enough to make me wake up and think through how to blog it.

weird right? haha... but yeah, i shall not waste my efforts in trying to think too hard about the details. dreams, to me, are after all a result of an overactive subconscious mind that continued to work after we fall asleep. the events that occurred in the dreams are simply the manifestations of how we perceive and handle our daily lives. and so what's important is to live well and minimize stress.

:-) 

injured insects

sometimes i wonder if by doing what i did, i would be inflicting more pain on the insects. but i reckoned as long as the intentions are good, and i take the utmost precaution, my actions would be justifiable. and if the insects were to die in the process, it would be totally regrettable. also, i reconciled that by doing something, it would be better than not doing anything. cos by doing something, there was a chance that things might turn out good (of cos, might be bad too), but if nothing was done, i am sure things would surely turn out bad. hmm, do i make sense? i share 2 real happenings here.

two days back, at the hawker center, i found myself a seat after getting my lunch. and as i was about to eat, i noticed a housefly on the table. its innards was spilled out of its abdomen and it was dragging its body around the table with the innards trailing behind. and being wet, the innards would stick to the body of the housefly, thereby making its effort to move about very difficult. and obviously, as long as the innards was attached to the housefly, its chance of leaving the table was next to nil. and so, i decided to save the housefly. it didn't matter that houseflies are agents of sickness. after all, why blame the hosuefly if the cause of sickness is usually traced to our own (lack of) hygiene habits. anyway, i decided to cut off the innards. but i wondered if by doing so, it could survive long. nonetheless, i was sure what it was experiencing was probably more dreadful than anything else. and worst still, given its remote chance of being able to leave the table, it simply meant that it would be exposed to higher danger. someone might just come along and kill it! and so, i took out a 2 dollar note and use the edge to slice off the innards. once freed, the housefly started to walk about quite normally... ok, not totally normally, a bit slower than normal. but hey, it could move about! i continued eating my lunch and did not take much note of the housefly. when i had finished my rice, i looked around and the housefly was no where to be found. it must have flew off.

yesterday, as i was about to retire to bed, i walked into my toilet to pee as per my usual routine. and as i was about to pee, i noticed an insect upside down on the water in the toilet bowl. it was as though it was lying backwards and looking at me in my full glory! haha! then again, it was struggling to get out of the toilet bowl but couldn't cos the wings were wet. poor insect. it must have fallen into the toilet bowl. instinctively, i looked around for something to help me pick it up and decided my tweezer would do the job. managed to lift it up and shook it off the tweezer after doing so. the insect landed on my washing basin. by that time, the whole insect looked like a wrangled piece of mess. oops, i apologized. i was afraid i had killed it. but seeing the wee bits of movements, i knew it was still alive. i was not sure how long it could last. and seeing that the insect still had much water stuck onto its body, i used the tweezer to drag it a bit. oops, the insect got more mangled. aiyoh... this time round, i was sure i had injured it beyond hope. sorry, i apologized again. i tore a piece of tissue and placed the wrangled mess of the insect on it with the hope of sucking the water off the insect. nothing moved. it was just a dried mess. i left it as it was. half an hour later, i went back to take a look, expecting to see a dried insect carcass. but lo and behold, the insect was up and walking. of cos, one of its leg was injured, but it was walking! and it's wings were stretched out in its full glory. hahah... i left it to do its own physio (haha!) as it recovered itself from the trauma of falling into the toilet bowl. and by this morning, the insect was gone!

:-)

picture from http://blog.brasurespestcontrol.com/

anxious again

my impending start of my employment means that there would be a change in routines and i had expected to see mum going mental again. yup, here we go again, same old shit again... at the mental institute yesterday, i told the doctor to give me a review date in a month's time and not 6 weeks as per usual. and i did so as i had observed signs of anxiety since i told her i had accepted the job and would start work 1 apr. i thought a date closer to my start work date would help. 

and for a start, i noted her questioning of who i go out with, where i go, what time i will be coming back is increasing. these are signs of anxiety. and to make things more tense, her line of questioning is always from a rather confrontational angle. she would scream out at me and asked questions like: "you went out last night again right?" or "later, who you meeting?" or "how come you are not going to stay at home?" and all these questions even before i can utter a single word or even to tell her that hey, i will not be going out. and when i tried to convince her that i will not be going out or that i will only be going out for a while, she would then get defensive and give responses like "you wanna go out, you go lor. who am i to stop you?" this pattern had played up many a times lately. and even when i go out, she would call my siblings (according to her) that i have left her alone at home. naturally, my siblings would be very concern.. oh how can he leave you alone? they would say, according to mum. then again, i do suspect these things were not my siblings expressed sentiments but her very own.

and yesterday, things turned out a little hostile. i had to conduct an interview for an executive at a mall after office hours. and so, i left her at home. i told her i would be home about 8 or 8.30pm latest. and at 8.15pm, she called me and screamed out at me: "how come you have not come home yet!!!!!!!" frankly, i was pissed off. i have not even taken dinner and had just done an interview and here she was, screaming at me. i rushed home and she gave me hostile looks. i told her i have not taken dinner and asked if she wanted to head out to do some shopping and she replied sarcastically, "you wanna go out, you go lor, i didn't stop you. also, why you come home without taking dinner?" it was very frustrating and i chided her for making a fuss out of nothing, considering the fact that it was not even 8.30pm. and i told her that if she were to go on behaving this way, i might as well not start work. she kept quiet and sulk.

so... ya, can see she is showing signs of anxiety again.

vroom... speed vs skills!

"it's not the speed baby, it's the skills and good sense of judgment..."

i found myself uttering that to myself after seeing someone terrorize people on the road and in the end, still end up slower than most of us. what happened was that yesterday as i drove passed geylang serai towards bedok on my way home, i heard a low yet loud humming behind my car. i looked into my rear mirror and noted a a bright red sports car-wannabe revving its engine. well, i call it a sports car-wannabe cos it was a nissan coupe and i do not consider it a sports car. sports car to me would be in the likes of ferrari, lotus, lambo, and so on. but ok, let's not digress. it was post-working hours and the road was crowded. cars on the road was averaging 30-40 km/hr and moving relatively slowly. the driver was obviously impatient and continued revving his engine. 

and soon enough when we reached eunos, he overtook me. i took a quick glance and noted that it was a chinese guy. he was in his 20s. chubby. fugly. and has a cfm ah sia kia face that look so bloody yaya papaya (proud, high and mighty). he had a cigarette hanging between his lips and he seemed to be talking on the phone. i also noted the car carried a public housing car park label. well, i am not one who stereotype people usually, but this guy obviously reeked of a spoiled hdb-brad who's socially irresponsible and in a hurry to show off his car. nonetheless, i ignored him and continued my journey as did every other drivers on the road. this guy, however, spared no time to terrorize other people. once he overtook me, he sped up and without signaling tried to cut into another driver's lane. many times he failed cos the space was too tight, but whenever he succeeded, he would immediately step on his brake and that would freaked people out big time. and he continued doing so, weaving in and out of people's lanes as far as one could see. and i also noted he tried overtaking people using the bus lanes. very bad behaviour i thought. and whenever he found a clear stretch in front, he would pick up speed like no tomorrow. vrooommmm... it roared. and i heard it couple of times, and with each roar, the sound got softer.

nonetheless, as per all singapore roads, there were umpteen roadworks, traffic lights and the frequent irritating uncles who like to drive very carefully (read "s-l-o-w-l-y") on the outer lanes. and given that it was peak hours, cars had to keep off the bus lanes. when faced with such situations, experienced drivers like yours truly would know when to pick up and when to slow down and how to avoid slow uncles. and so, by the time we reach bedok, i found myself overtaking the red car as he got himself bracketed by a few other slow moving cars and trucks... and it was with this so called skills and sense of judgment that i absolutely love the feeling of catching up and overtaking the guy who drove the red sports car-wannabe.

then again frankly, i wish these people don't exist!

picture from http://www.nissan.com.au/Cars-Vehicles/370Z-Coupe/Overview