Weekdays we meet.
Weekends I have to switch my phone off on Sat evenings.
Cannot bear to read the smses cos he will be with him.
Staying over.
Perhaps this also gives me a break emotionally.
Sunday, 31 July 2005
Saturday, 30 July 2005
Thanks
Thanks Gerald for dropping by.
Thanks for making the visit so natural.
Was initially unsure of how u'd react when u meet my partner or whether u'll be homophobic... but guess my fears were unfounded.
Thanks for making the visit so natural.
Was initially unsure of how u'd react when u meet my partner or whether u'll be homophobic... but guess my fears were unfounded.
Sunday, 24 July 2005
Coming out to str8 friends
Over the last few months, I came out to no less than 3 str8 friends, 2 of which, I have been very close to.
Not too sure why the sudden courage but I am sure the fact that I was outed in my office; and till today, still in limbo about how it'll affect my work, gave me some form of courage (and perhaps, desperation) to want to seek some emotional support from them.
And yes, they have been most supportive. Really want to thank them for being there for me during the most trying period of my life. Very assuring. Very important to me.
Thanks Gerald, BS and Chris for the friendship. And thanks too to all those (straight ones too) who have all along been supportive (including Jason, Joanne, Lawrence, LK and MY) all these while.
Not too sure why the sudden courage but I am sure the fact that I was outed in my office; and till today, still in limbo about how it'll affect my work, gave me some form of courage (and perhaps, desperation) to want to seek some emotional support from them.
And yes, they have been most supportive. Really want to thank them for being there for me during the most trying period of my life. Very assuring. Very important to me.
Thanks Gerald, BS and Chris for the friendship. And thanks too to all those (straight ones too) who have all along been supportive (including Jason, Joanne, Lawrence, LK and MY) all these while.
Friday, 22 July 2005
Born Gay; me and my close (str8) friend
Peter wrote to me after reading my previous entry that being gay is not a choice as what my best friend's email reply (after i came out to him) had suggested.
I feel likewise. For me, I am sure I was born gay. I believe my internal conflicts and struggles before coming out at age 30 was largely due to my inability to understand and accept my behaviour and views of men as it contradicted what I was programmed to believe since birth. Nonetheless, when my best friend (bs) said he respected my `personal choice', I did not see the need to debate on these 2 words. Personally, I think he will probably not be able to fully comprehend it too (he is straight and is married with 2 kids).
I also believe my coming out to him must have been as traumatic for him - considering that his very close (if not, the closest) friend come out to him after 19 years. I could sense this in his email cos for the very first time, he spelt my name wrongly. Call me drama if you wish but I could sense his hands trembling while he typed the very carefuly worded email. Let it be. Let things cool down. Let him come to terms with my being gay first. Let us establish the new balance in our friendship and overcome the awkwardness in our interactions before I start talking about sexuality issues.
I guess he will never fully understand my feelings towards him. We were so close back then during our NSF days in 1986/7. We were in different Coys, but whenever possible, we would do everything together. Spent whatever free time we had together. Chat on the phone whenever we were apart (we did not have mobile phones then, and we had to carry so many 10cent coins to call each other on coinphones), etc. We would spent our weekends together, shopping, watching movies or just sitting by the marina bay chatting through the night. And we knew exactly where and when to meet when we say let's meet later - same place, same time. It's always 6.30pm at the wisma atria clock (back then there was a clock outside wisma atria). We were just so bloody close. So much so that many of our camp mates thought we were boyfriends (considering all my camp mates are straight and that the concept of gay was not very well known or accepted back then).
Reflecting it was really beyond just male-bonding. But it seemed so natural for us.The closeness led to the feeling of terrible pains when we parted our ways. With my encouragement, he went overseas to further his studies. The joys of writing and recieving letters and postcards (back then, we had no emails) to and from each other every day for more than 2 years; the joys of seeing him graduate and return; and again, the pains of him leaving me to work and eventually his migration to the States. And during that whole period, I kept close contact with his family, visited them and gave tuition to his brother. To me, they were also my famiy.Between us, there was nothing we do not speak to each other about. But some things we avoided. These included anything related to sex, relationships and religion.
He'll probably never understand how I felt when he came back from States one day and asked me to be his bestman for his wedding. I did not even know he had a girlfriend. He did not tell me. I guessed he felt awkward asking too cos we'd never spoken abt his girlfriend and he did not know how I'd react. But I helped. I got to meet his girlfriend. Internally, I hated her. But I have since learned to accept her. She is now a dear friend too. I helped co-ord his wedding. Helped decorate the church. Be his bestman. Be his driver. Took care of his family. Took care of everything for him.
For me, it was extra awkward for I did not understand why I had felt that way. I had not even come to terms with my sexuality.
It was difficult.
But, that's all in the past. What is important now is that we are still friends.
I feel likewise. For me, I am sure I was born gay. I believe my internal conflicts and struggles before coming out at age 30 was largely due to my inability to understand and accept my behaviour and views of men as it contradicted what I was programmed to believe since birth. Nonetheless, when my best friend (bs) said he respected my `personal choice', I did not see the need to debate on these 2 words. Personally, I think he will probably not be able to fully comprehend it too (he is straight and is married with 2 kids).
I also believe my coming out to him must have been as traumatic for him - considering that his very close (if not, the closest) friend come out to him after 19 years. I could sense this in his email cos for the very first time, he spelt my name wrongly. Call me drama if you wish but I could sense his hands trembling while he typed the very carefuly worded email. Let it be. Let things cool down. Let him come to terms with my being gay first. Let us establish the new balance in our friendship and overcome the awkwardness in our interactions before I start talking about sexuality issues.
I guess he will never fully understand my feelings towards him. We were so close back then during our NSF days in 1986/7. We were in different Coys, but whenever possible, we would do everything together. Spent whatever free time we had together. Chat on the phone whenever we were apart (we did not have mobile phones then, and we had to carry so many 10cent coins to call each other on coinphones), etc. We would spent our weekends together, shopping, watching movies or just sitting by the marina bay chatting through the night. And we knew exactly where and when to meet when we say let's meet later - same place, same time. It's always 6.30pm at the wisma atria clock (back then there was a clock outside wisma atria). We were just so bloody close. So much so that many of our camp mates thought we were boyfriends (considering all my camp mates are straight and that the concept of gay was not very well known or accepted back then).
Reflecting it was really beyond just male-bonding. But it seemed so natural for us.The closeness led to the feeling of terrible pains when we parted our ways. With my encouragement, he went overseas to further his studies. The joys of writing and recieving letters and postcards (back then, we had no emails) to and from each other every day for more than 2 years; the joys of seeing him graduate and return; and again, the pains of him leaving me to work and eventually his migration to the States. And during that whole period, I kept close contact with his family, visited them and gave tuition to his brother. To me, they were also my famiy.Between us, there was nothing we do not speak to each other about. But some things we avoided. These included anything related to sex, relationships and religion.
He'll probably never understand how I felt when he came back from States one day and asked me to be his bestman for his wedding. I did not even know he had a girlfriend. He did not tell me. I guessed he felt awkward asking too cos we'd never spoken abt his girlfriend and he did not know how I'd react. But I helped. I got to meet his girlfriend. Internally, I hated her. But I have since learned to accept her. She is now a dear friend too. I helped co-ord his wedding. Helped decorate the church. Be his bestman. Be his driver. Took care of his family. Took care of everything for him.
For me, it was extra awkward for I did not understand why I had felt that way. I had not even come to terms with my sexuality.
It was difficult.
But, that's all in the past. What is important now is that we are still friends.
Wednesday, 20 July 2005
Feeling Relieved
Been roller coastering emotionally over the last couple of days while coming to terms with him and his inability to break off from his other despite his other telling him of his wedding plans.
Nonetheless, we finally decided that we'll hold each other's hand tight and go thru this roller coaster ride together. On the other hand, finally found the courage to come out to a very dear friend of mine. Been the best of friends for the last 19 years and for a short while, everybody thought we were partners back in 1986. He has since migrated to States. Then again, he is straight and now has a wife and 2 kids.
Wrote him an email and came out to him last Friday. He did not reply until today. For a while, I thought I had lost a special friend. His words in his email reads - "Our friendship will always be the same whatever your personal choice may be."
I feel so relieved.
Nonetheless, we finally decided that we'll hold each other's hand tight and go thru this roller coaster ride together. On the other hand, finally found the courage to come out to a very dear friend of mine. Been the best of friends for the last 19 years and for a short while, everybody thought we were partners back in 1986. He has since migrated to States. Then again, he is straight and now has a wife and 2 kids.
Wrote him an email and came out to him last Friday. He did not reply until today. For a while, I thought I had lost a special friend. His words in his email reads - "Our friendship will always be the same whatever your personal choice may be."
I feel so relieved.
Thursday, 14 July 2005
growing up, coming out
Having been brought up in a very strict family environment where traditional and conservative views are passed from parents to their kids, I invariably found myself struggling with my sexuality when I was younger.
Was touched (then again, I could have stopped it but I did not) by a man when I was 14 years old at Katong Pool. He was a 30-plus year old man. That was my first sexual experience with a man. The experience created a deep sense of curiosity in me. The concept of "gay" just did not exist in my mind, and the thought of myself enjoying carnal pleasures with men simply freaked me out, although it seemed so natural. And although it was so pleasurable, I felt guilty. I thought I was abnormal!
Got myself seriously involved with WM when I was in my first year in NUS. He was bisexual. Malaysian. Had a girlfriend back in Ipoh, but in Singapore, he and I were an inseparable item. Our relationship was highly sexual in nature. But I could not accept the gay lifestyle as the way ahead for me due to my upbringing. I also saw no future in being gay in part because I (still at that time) felt it was `abnormal' and that it would be a lonely world out there. I ended up ignoring WM and we eventually separated. I hurt him big time. In my final year of NUS, I was introduced to the whole new gay world through a person I met while doing my science project and that sparked off a greater sense of curiosity and introduced me to the gay community and culture in Singapore.
That chance encounter with that gay man made me realise that there is a whole big community out there who are just like me. A sense of relief no doubt, but that did not take away the sense of shame, guilt and regret whenever I engaged in sex with other men. I felt dirty, I felt confused. The scenes kept repeating in my head. They haunted me. All these despite having had sex with men previously. I felt I had betrayed my parents (and for that matter, my ancestors) in that I will not be able to procreate and carry on the family name if I were to embrace a gay lifestyle. As such, I chose to lead a double life with the hope that I would get married one day. That was the start of my closeted dual life - day time as a straight man and night time as a gay man who seeked out dark places for ONS.
Reflecting, my life as a straight person in the day was nothing but a cover to my gay side. I was a closeted case. At that point in time, my gay lifestyle comprised largely my ONS - very sexual, very physical, very intense, very anonymous. I went by a pseudonym and created a pseudo-persona of myself. Conversation with other gay men I met were nothing more that superficial stuff. Nothing personal and nothing about my real self was ever discussed.
Was touched (then again, I could have stopped it but I did not) by a man when I was 14 years old at Katong Pool. He was a 30-plus year old man. That was my first sexual experience with a man. The experience created a deep sense of curiosity in me. The concept of "gay" just did not exist in my mind, and the thought of myself enjoying carnal pleasures with men simply freaked me out, although it seemed so natural. And although it was so pleasurable, I felt guilty. I thought I was abnormal!
Got myself seriously involved with WM when I was in my first year in NUS. He was bisexual. Malaysian. Had a girlfriend back in Ipoh, but in Singapore, he and I were an inseparable item. Our relationship was highly sexual in nature. But I could not accept the gay lifestyle as the way ahead for me due to my upbringing. I also saw no future in being gay in part because I (still at that time) felt it was `abnormal' and that it would be a lonely world out there. I ended up ignoring WM and we eventually separated. I hurt him big time. In my final year of NUS, I was introduced to the whole new gay world through a person I met while doing my science project and that sparked off a greater sense of curiosity and introduced me to the gay community and culture in Singapore.
That chance encounter with that gay man made me realise that there is a whole big community out there who are just like me. A sense of relief no doubt, but that did not take away the sense of shame, guilt and regret whenever I engaged in sex with other men. I felt dirty, I felt confused. The scenes kept repeating in my head. They haunted me. All these despite having had sex with men previously. I felt I had betrayed my parents (and for that matter, my ancestors) in that I will not be able to procreate and carry on the family name if I were to embrace a gay lifestyle. As such, I chose to lead a double life with the hope that I would get married one day. That was the start of my closeted dual life - day time as a straight man and night time as a gay man who seeked out dark places for ONS.
Reflecting, my life as a straight person in the day was nothing but a cover to my gay side. I was a closeted case. At that point in time, my gay lifestyle comprised largely my ONS - very sexual, very physical, very intense, very anonymous. I went by a pseudonym and created a pseudo-persona of myself. Conversation with other gay men I met were nothing more that superficial stuff. Nothing personal and nothing about my real self was ever discussed.
My first crush was on a person I met at the Fort Road beach. That was the first time, my viel of anonymity was lifted and I got myself emotionally involved. I introduced myself to him using my real name, telling him about my family, etc. It was just so so natural. But it was one-sided. Nonetheless, he was also the one who eventually made me accept myself as a gay man. That was my coming out.
1996, age - 30 years old.
That was a traumatic process. In a way, it was a process of being reborn. I had to re-educate myself about what I should see as `normal', rather, I had to broaden my definition of normality where sexuality issues are concerned. I had to realign my thoughts and re-learn everything. In the process, internal conflicts led me to attempt suicide at least twice. When I finally came to terms with my sexuality, I started experimenting with relationships. It was no less traumatic that the coming out process. But I mature and grow along the way. I also found myself getting more and more accepting about gay sex and the various fetishes. This was greatly helped by the explosion of information in the internet.
I came to accept things as they are and learn to be less judgemental. For what is acceptable to me, may not be so to others, and vice versa. So who am I to be the judge? Reflecting, there are several key areas that I felt had influenced my conduct, first as a closeted case, and then as a gay man. They include - my family - especially my parents, then my work, then my friends.
My parents - as I said, I was brought up in a very traditional environment. Strong family values. Strict believes in procreation and that the man is the center of the family and that the man is responsible to carry on the oh-so-important family name (such ancestral baggage!). That there is a gay man in the midst of the family is something that is beyond anyone's thoughts and this comes with strong stigma and embarrassment.
To protect my parents, I had to keep my sexuality from them. I had also avoided giving my contacts to men. I adopted a pseudoname, adopted a pseudo-identity, a pseudo-persona, etc etc etc. All these made me felt really empty and hollow. Internal conflict follows. Big time. My eventual coming out was on the premise that I should not bluff myself anymore and to start living a life - my life. And in doing so, I understand that my parents may be hurt and embarrassed by me. And I have to manage them sensitively.
On the other hand, I really do not want to get married and sometime down the line, cheat on my wife and kids, worst still, with a man. As such, I chose to not tell the whole truth to my parents, for they will move on very soon. Not telling my parents the truth to me, is not lying. It perhaps is my only mechanism to protect them, from other relatives, from friends and from themselves.
My work - I work in an environment where image and identity as well as public confidence is very important. As such, my company is highly homophobic and it is with this fear of being penalised and being asked to resigned that I had to stay underground at work. I loved my company and have been most professional and dedicated in all my undertakings. My coming to terms with myself came after more than 15 years with my company. I eventually fell in love with my current partner 6 years ago and eventually left my company. This was also considering I had decided then, having just came out, felt that I should give myself a chance at a new company where homophobia would probably be less stark. I was to eventually realise that my behaviour of being scared (due to my perception of homophobia) was largely caused by my own mental block. Equipped with this realisation, I decided to rejoin my old company. Today, after being outed by my company and suffering the possible implications, I reflect back and wondered if I had made the right choice in returning to my company.
My friends - I am a person who cannot live without friends. They are important to me. I do not need many, just a couple who is close to me and whom I can be myself when I interact with them. Today, I am happy to say that amongst the many straight close friends whom I made over the years, many of them have come to accept me as gay and have unconditionally accepted me and my partner. Of course there are some others whom I have not come out to, but I chose to take it slow. There is really no urgency for me to come out to every single one of them as yet, but I am sure I will do it at an opportune time. I believe that if the friendship is strong, the issue of sexuality would not be a factor.
A Surprising Development
A, B, C, D....
A became a little more attentive to BB and C's relationship grew stronger and stronger.
C continues his internal struggles but found it difficult to balance between B and D.
Yesterday, D dated C and told him he wanted to break off as he felt insecure with C.
C was devastated but couldn't do anything but to give D his blessings.
C also felt guilty for the fact that he is seeing B behind D's back.
Today, D smsed C, asking to patch back and asked C to promise him not to make him feel insecure.
Despite C's earlier resolve to let D go, he continued to hold onto some hope for D's return.
This evening, D called C and asked for forgiveness, D finally dropped the bombshell that he will be getting thru the ROM with a lesbian friend end of the year - a staged wedding no doubt - but this gave C the worst possible blow.
C took the second blow C was helpless.
Despite earlier resolve to let D go, C felt v hurt.
At this juncture, B was highly concern, not for that fact that he and A are smoothening things out, but also for the fact the C is going thru all these turmoil.
This time round, A remains oblivious to this latest developments...
The story continues....
A became a little more attentive to BB and C's relationship grew stronger and stronger.
C continues his internal struggles but found it difficult to balance between B and D.
Yesterday, D dated C and told him he wanted to break off as he felt insecure with C.
C was devastated but couldn't do anything but to give D his blessings.
C also felt guilty for the fact that he is seeing B behind D's back.
Today, D smsed C, asking to patch back and asked C to promise him not to make him feel insecure.
Despite C's earlier resolve to let D go, he continued to hold onto some hope for D's return.
This evening, D called C and asked for forgiveness, D finally dropped the bombshell that he will be getting thru the ROM with a lesbian friend end of the year - a staged wedding no doubt - but this gave C the worst possible blow.
C took the second blow C was helpless.
Despite earlier resolve to let D go, C felt v hurt.
At this juncture, B was highly concern, not for that fact that he and A are smoothening things out, but also for the fact the C is going thru all these turmoil.
This time round, A remains oblivious to this latest developments...
The story continues....
Thursday, 7 July 2005
Reflections of a Gay Singaporean
Just because I am gay, does it mean:
- I am a lesser person/inferior to straights?
- I am not able to contribute as effectively or productively (as compared to straights) to my office, my company, my society, my country?
- I will affect my offices' image?
- I am a sex craze/ fiend who engages in wild sex wontonly without any morality?
- I am more likely to use my status to force people, especially younger ones to have sex with me?
- I am more likely to be a paedophile?
- I am a criminal (that I engage in unnatural sex as deemed illegal under the penal code)?
- I am a threat?I am certain I AM NOT.
But alas, it is the homophobia that I guess we are all facing and the system (and the people running the system) who chose to hide behind this thing called `conservative society' that has failed to integrate us as part of the society.
And many of the questions I have asked perhaps reflects the warped perception of what a gay man is to most straight man/ woman alike in Singapore.
Admittedly, there are a small small minority of us who fall within some of the questions/ categories that I have questioned above, but that certainly cannot be used to generalise all of us. It's so unfair. Then again, what's fair in life. If you are the majority, you define the rules. And if you are the minority you will always be subjected to such discriminations.
Guess I will have to accept it as a way of life. You call this a defeatist approach/ attitude? No, I call this a realistic one. We cannot force a revolution or a change in mind set overnight in our country, much less a country where the people running the system are elected by the very people whose conservative thinking are reinforced and protected by the people running the system, kinda a vicious cycle... never-ending.
All the more, we must try to integrate and in the process help the society evolve. I am sure things will evolve. Only that the pace of this evolution may not be on our side, if we are using our life/youth as a unit of measurement. I may, in the end, not enjoy the ultimate open Singapore where gays and straights can coexist side-by-side without any fear or discrimination during my youth (I chose to think I am still young, or at least young at heart)/ my lifetime, but I will be happy as long as I know the country is moving in the direction and that it will eventually accept gays (GLBTs for that matter). It does not matter if this were to happen in the next or next next generations, as long as we get there.
Some reflections.
- I am a lesser person/inferior to straights?
- I am not able to contribute as effectively or productively (as compared to straights) to my office, my company, my society, my country?
- I will affect my offices' image?
- I am a sex craze/ fiend who engages in wild sex wontonly without any morality?
- I am more likely to use my status to force people, especially younger ones to have sex with me?
- I am more likely to be a paedophile?
- I am a criminal (that I engage in unnatural sex as deemed illegal under the penal code)?
- I am a threat?I am certain I AM NOT.
But alas, it is the homophobia that I guess we are all facing and the system (and the people running the system) who chose to hide behind this thing called `conservative society' that has failed to integrate us as part of the society.
And many of the questions I have asked perhaps reflects the warped perception of what a gay man is to most straight man/ woman alike in Singapore.
Admittedly, there are a small small minority of us who fall within some of the questions/ categories that I have questioned above, but that certainly cannot be used to generalise all of us. It's so unfair. Then again, what's fair in life. If you are the majority, you define the rules. And if you are the minority you will always be subjected to such discriminations.
Guess I will have to accept it as a way of life. You call this a defeatist approach/ attitude? No, I call this a realistic one. We cannot force a revolution or a change in mind set overnight in our country, much less a country where the people running the system are elected by the very people whose conservative thinking are reinforced and protected by the people running the system, kinda a vicious cycle... never-ending.
All the more, we must try to integrate and in the process help the society evolve. I am sure things will evolve. Only that the pace of this evolution may not be on our side, if we are using our life/youth as a unit of measurement. I may, in the end, not enjoy the ultimate open Singapore where gays and straights can coexist side-by-side without any fear or discrimination during my youth (I chose to think I am still young, or at least young at heart)/ my lifetime, but I will be happy as long as I know the country is moving in the direction and that it will eventually accept gays (GLBTs for that matter). It does not matter if this were to happen in the next or next next generations, as long as we get there.
Some reflections.
Wednesday, 6 July 2005
Looking Good
Things seemed to be turning for the better. Mum's gone through her angioplasty. No vessel blockages. To be confirmed tomorrow with another scan and hopefully things turn out good.
Brother has kept away from the rest of the family and have in a way, also kept Dad under `house arrest'. Spot-checking on him to make sure he does not go out, that he does not visit my mum, that he does not visit my sisters, etc. On the other hand, this may not be a bad thing at all cos my dad is really old and it would be a terrible thing if anything were to happen to him when he is outside.
As for my him, things have been very tense. All becos I felt he has not really been fair to me viz a viz his bf. Been trying very hard not to sms or call him. This was made worst with IOC cos he has been assisting in the whole event and has been staying on site all these times when IOC is on. With IOC ending, he should be relatively freer. Today, he called me twice to comfort me and to assure me my mum will be fine. Very happy and very nice of him. Cerainly helped me a lot in my otherwise very stressful day, made worst by my missing him and yearning to hear his voice.
Met up wtih my first crush yesterday. Although we have been constantly in contact, this was the first time we really spent some time together having dinner chatting and catching up. Been 8 years and he finally understood what I went through during that period. He also finally admitted that he fell for me then but did not dare tell me nor was he certain if he should proceed further with me as he felt I was hiding something from him. Fact was that I was not sure how to behave as I had just came out then. To a certain extend, it seemed like a chance lost for both of us at that time due to a lack of communication and also due to my inability to come to terms with my own self. But well, all said and done, we are now very good friends and I am glad things turned out the way it did.
Work-wise, things are still in a limbo. My replacement will be in within the next 2 weeks and I am still uncertain of where I will be transferred to. The wait seemed to be forever and there seemed to be no clarity of things for me at this point in time. So, for now, aimless and have to just focus on my tasks at hand.
The coming few days will be interesting for I have made a deliberate effort to go dinner with my other friends. Felt I need to give myself a break from my partner and him and should catch up with my own life.
:)
Brother has kept away from the rest of the family and have in a way, also kept Dad under `house arrest'. Spot-checking on him to make sure he does not go out, that he does not visit my mum, that he does not visit my sisters, etc. On the other hand, this may not be a bad thing at all cos my dad is really old and it would be a terrible thing if anything were to happen to him when he is outside.
As for my him, things have been very tense. All becos I felt he has not really been fair to me viz a viz his bf. Been trying very hard not to sms or call him. This was made worst with IOC cos he has been assisting in the whole event and has been staying on site all these times when IOC is on. With IOC ending, he should be relatively freer. Today, he called me twice to comfort me and to assure me my mum will be fine. Very happy and very nice of him. Cerainly helped me a lot in my otherwise very stressful day, made worst by my missing him and yearning to hear his voice.
Met up wtih my first crush yesterday. Although we have been constantly in contact, this was the first time we really spent some time together having dinner chatting and catching up. Been 8 years and he finally understood what I went through during that period. He also finally admitted that he fell for me then but did not dare tell me nor was he certain if he should proceed further with me as he felt I was hiding something from him. Fact was that I was not sure how to behave as I had just came out then. To a certain extend, it seemed like a chance lost for both of us at that time due to a lack of communication and also due to my inability to come to terms with my own self. But well, all said and done, we are now very good friends and I am glad things turned out the way it did.
Work-wise, things are still in a limbo. My replacement will be in within the next 2 weeks and I am still uncertain of where I will be transferred to. The wait seemed to be forever and there seemed to be no clarity of things for me at this point in time. So, for now, aimless and have to just focus on my tasks at hand.
The coming few days will be interesting for I have made a deliberate effort to go dinner with my other friends. Felt I need to give myself a break from my partner and him and should catch up with my own life.
:)
Tuesday, 5 July 2005
Again
Despite the resolve to leave, he finally went back again... heart too soft. I am heartbroken.
Again.
Again.
Sunday, 3 July 2005
Of Parasites and such...
Yes, youthfulness (there such a word? or should it be just `youth'? well, what the heck!) does turn me on, and young people do possess that certain attraction that makes me melt... but reflecting, I think it is more physical attraction and lust rather than love; perhaps also a manifestation of the insecurities of age catching up.
My experiences thus far tells me that falling in love (or rather, lust?) with someone a dozen years younger than you is not nec a good thing cos invariably, the relationship will tend to be imbalanced. It will be more like you being the older one, behaving like a father, and him, the younger one, taking you for granted - all the time.
And such a relationship does not allow you to grow like what a healthy relationship would. Rather, it'll be more of a parasitic one where one party will leech onto the other... Ultimately, you'll get disappointments after another and eventually, the relationship will just sap you of all your energy... and you'll be left totally exhausted, emotionally, psychologically, and perhaps even financially... move on man!
My experiences thus far tells me that falling in love (or rather, lust?) with someone a dozen years younger than you is not nec a good thing cos invariably, the relationship will tend to be imbalanced. It will be more like you being the older one, behaving like a father, and him, the younger one, taking you for granted - all the time.
And such a relationship does not allow you to grow like what a healthy relationship would. Rather, it'll be more of a parasitic one where one party will leech onto the other... Ultimately, you'll get disappointments after another and eventually, the relationship will just sap you of all your energy... and you'll be left totally exhausted, emotionally, psychologically, and perhaps even financially... move on man!
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