还没开始，就已经结束了

爱一个人真的不容易… 我已经尽了全力，也退让了许多。就连在你说我不需要再克制自己的时候，我仍然选择收着情绪、照顾你的感受。因为我在乎，所以我忍让。但在和你相处的过程中，你的回应时而热络、时而冷淡，让人摸不着头绪。有时候我感受到温暖和希望，有时候却被冷漠和疑惑包围。你的反应总是前后矛盾，甚至让我怀疑你是不是一直在隐藏些什么。感情从来不是一个人撑得起的，也不该由一个人来承担全部责任。而你现在却突然把一切都归咎于我 - 这真的不公平。

我不是没努力过。后来，我选择让你决定这段关系的方向，而你也已经作出了选择。我只能祝你一切顺利，愿你找到属于自己的答案。

Housekeeping

Do you do housekeeping of your contacts? I do; and there can be many reasons why. These include:

• People who have gradually stopped contacting me, and with whom I see no further possibility nor value in rekindling the connection.
• Acquaintances I met once or twice but no longer keep in touch with over time. I’m not shy to admit that this includes one-night stands or people I got to know through friends’ gatherings – the typical hi-bye kind of connections and that I had exchanged my number with out of courtesy.
• People I haven’t contacted in a long time, and whom I don’t think I’ll ever hear from again. These people include old schoolmates or former colleagues. It just feels too laborious to keep them on the list, especially when I’ve tried reaching out before, only to find that their numbers are no longer valid.
• People who have clearly decided it's better not to keep in touch and actively avoid me. There may have been misunderstandings, but I often feel it’s not worth the effort to explain myself if they’ve already made up their minds. For this group, it’s often easier not to be reminded of them. 
• People who are no longer around. These include people who have changed their numbers, or migrated, or for that matter, have passed on. Sadly, these contacts include my late parents, as well as a couple of relatives and friends.
• People I really care about but who seem not ready or are struggling with their own issues. In such cases, I delete their contact details to prevent myself from reaching out. I see this "cold turkey" approach as a way to respect their need for space, despite how much I may care for them.

Among all these categories, I must say the last group brings me the most heartache. It’s hard on me to take such a drastic step, but I believe that if things are meant to be, they will eventually get hold of themselves and reach out again.

It’s because of this regular “housekeeping” that my contact list remains relatively small. I don’t make a good insurance agent, do I?

:-)

More Hibiscus

I see even more varieties of hibiscus around my area this morning. So glad that I can finally snap a picture of the sea hibiscus (bottom row right 3 pictures) - especially when it is so hard to get them to flower at my eye level! And with this latest, I should have posted every single variety of hibiscus around my area!

So nice right?

Blahhh

It's amazing how one's mood can swing from general happiness to that of absolute blahhhness all of a sudden. But that's what happened to me over the last 24 hours. I need time to process what happened, my thoughts and emotions. 

For now, I just want to sleep and keep to myself.

ps: It is during such moments that I need to be cajoled, to be sayang-ed, and to be engaged. Then again, it's just wishful thinking on my part.

End of tunnel

Recently, I was chatting with a friend and the phrase “seeing the light at end of the tunnel” came up. I couldn’t recall the context around why this phrase came up but I said - at my age, I can see the light at the end of my tunnel. And the light is the fire of the incinerator when my body is being cremated.

Heh heh… uttered in a most objective manner.

Hibiscus again

Another picture of the various types of hibiscus found around my area. Glad to be able to capture a few that were not flowering the last time I went around. 

Beautiful aren’t they?

❤️

Supporting people

If there’s one thing that gives me a lot of satisfaction and joy, it’s helping people and seeing them achieve the outcomes they want.

In the area of coaching, I’ve been supporting my peers for over a year - doing peer coaching to help them accumulate coaching hours, revising theories and exam questions with them to support their exam preparation, and more. It’s very satisfying to see them progress in their coaching. And this week, one of them achieved her coaching credential! I’m so happy for her! Looking forward to seeing a few more achieve their credentials in the next 1–2 months!

Apart from that, I’ve also been able to help quite a few transition successfully to new jobs. The process was tough, especially since a couple of them were in their 50s or older. It’s lovely to see excitement and hope being rekindled. They may be older in age, but the emotions they experience and express - apprehension, happiness, disappointment, and so on - are no different from those in their 20s! 

And this is what I can say - their happiness in achieving the outcomes they want fuels my motivation to help and support others!

Chatting with AI

I was in a reflective (and playful) mood today and I posted this in ChatGPT: 

“I realized I have never really received love as an equal and I have been a giver of love and affections my whole life - in all my past relationships and with my circle of friends.”

That simple sentence opened up a long, thoughtful exchange with ChatGPT about how I could manage this realisation. Of course, it’s not something that just hit me out of the blue - it’s been gradually unfolding over time. And for quite a while now, I’ve conditioned myself to accept compliments with a simple “thank you” instead of brushing them off, and have learn to receive help without feeling awkward or undeserving. These gestures may seem minor, but they feel significant to me. They’re reminders that receiving is not a weakness - and that I, too, deserve care. 

But most interestingly, as I reflect on the conversation, I’m struck by how far technology has come. The fact that I can talk to an AI about something so personal - and actually feel heard - is mind-blowing. Then again, doesn’t it also say something about the my current state - I’m turning to AI for this kind of conversation? Strange times indeed.

Haha!

:-)

Knife

“Knife” is one of my favourite songs from my secondary school days. I was really into it back then - it felt intense and emotional, and I would sing it like I meant every word. But funny enough, it never quite stuck with me over the years, not like how some other songs did.

For some reason, it came to mind today while I was listening to old songs on my phone, so I looked it up online. It felt nice to hear it again - and to sing along, of course. Strangely, I think this might be the first time I’ve really paid attention to the lyrics. I used to sing (or scream) this song whenever it came on the radio. And even now, I can still do it without thinking twice about the words. But honestly, I never quite took in the full extent of what the song was saying. Not until today. 

Thinking back, it’s odd how the lyrics never registered before. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to hear them. Years ago, I had romanticised parts of the lyrics during my breakups (that I had initiated) - even though the song’s about being dumped - and let it mess with me in all the ways possible. But listening to it now, after actually being dumped last year, I can say this about what I went through: I felt the loss and I did grieve. But definitely not in the way the song describes. In retrospect, maybe it was never a conventional relationship to begin with.

The truth is, I did love him - but maybe not in a romantic way. Or maybe he was just there to fill a void when we started, and through the years I was simply doing what I thought was my part. And just like the song, what once felt intense in the moment didn’t quite leave a lasting mark. Well, it doesn’t matter now. Whatever it was, I never felt the kind of heartbreak this song describes. 

It’s been a year, I’ve moved on. 

:-)

Knife

Rockwell (1984)

You touched my life 

With your softness in the night 

My wish was your command 

Until you ran out of love 

I tell myself I'm free 

Got the chance of livin' just for me 

No need to hurry home 

Now that you're gone 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

You cut away the heart of my life 

When I pretend 

Wear a smile to fool my dearest friends 

I wonder if they know 

It's just a show 

I'm on a stage 

Day and night I go through my charades 

But how can I disguise 

What's in my eyes? 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

You cut away the heart of my life 

Oh, oh 

Oh, oh, oh, oh 

Oh, oh, oh, oh 

Oh... 

I've tried and tried 

Blocking out the pain i feel inside

The pain of wanting you 

Wanting you 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

You cut away the heart 

Of my life

Vesak Day 2025

I did things slightly differently for Vesak Day this year. 

For a start, I made the trip to the monastery to collect the ticket for the 3-step-1-bow ritual and managed to complete the event before midnight. This was unlike previous years where I had to queue at 10pm and could only complete at around 3-4am. But things were not as smooth as I expected it to be. I had, at a last minute, accepted the request to conduct a weekend class and it ended around 6pm. I had not eaten properly the whole day but I needed to rush to the temple by 7pm. In the end, I started the ritual feeling hungry and thirsty. I perspired profusely through the ritual and started feeling faint halfway through. 

By the time I ended, I was in no state to do the Bathing the Buddha ritual. The queue was superbly long and I needed to fix myself first before I collapse from hunger, dehydration and exhaustion. But that aside, I do also suspect my inability to complete the full ritual was due to age. The ritual of bowing every three steps over a distance of about 800m(?) to a km was an exhausting process. I started undertaking this ritual since 1990 (this year is my 35th year) to fulfil a vow I made. And in recent years, the distance that I could do the bow every 3 steps gets shorter and shorter. Nonetheless, I will continue to do this for as long as I am mobile.  Let's see how long more I can go. 

Wishing everyone a blessed Vesak 2025.

ps: someone posted this video in YouTube and I actually spotted myself in it! LOL!

Oriental Pied Hornbill

I was on my morning walk a couple of days ago when, out of nowhere, I felt a pair of wings flap clumsily right across my face. I looked up and saw a majestic Oriental Pied Hornbill perched on a tree branch just beside me. 

It was the first time I’d ever encountered a hornbill up close, so bloody close! Standing at around 45 centimetres tall, it was an impressive sight. I froze, took out my handphone, and quietly observed and video it as it picked fruits and hopped from branch to branch. Hornbills usually travel in pairs, but this one was alone. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a male foraging for fruits to bring back to his mate - perhaps nesting nearby. 

What a beautiful, unexpected encounter. It was indeed my lucky day! Very nice!

Hibiscus

Over the last couple of weeks, I started noticing so many beautiful hibiscus around me. I am amazed by the variety - something that I had overlooked until now. Beauty is all around us - we only need to pause and see!

So pretty!

top picture: hibiscus flowers at gardens by the bay (various varieties)

bottom picture: hibiscus flowers around my estate - Hibiscus rosa-sinensis (orange colour & orange colour with red center), H. mosheutos (white colour with red center)

桃花运

In a literal direct translation, it means “plum flower luck”. It’s a Chinese phrase that means “romance luck”.  I am reminded of this term cos for some reasons, there seemed to be an increased in people wanting to know me beyond that of a normal friend. Or at least that’s how I felt.

For these people, I’ve expressed this very explicitly - that I am not keen on any relationships. I even went as far as telling one of them that I will ghost him if I sense he has crossed a certain line. And despite knowing that, he continued with his messages through the day, video calling me “just to see me”… hmmm… friends don’t do that. And friends don’t wish you good night when they go to bed and wish you good morning first thing in the morning. No?

Am not jaded per se. I’m far from it. But after my last break up last year, I’ve no more interest to start another one. It’s just too tiring. There’s just too much expectations to manage and energies involved. And I do believe that being friends would perhaps be a better option in the longer term. 

picture from https://www.travelking.com.tw/tourguide/springtravel/flowers3.asp

Unscathed

Election Day is Saturday and it will be Cooling Off Day tomorrow! Finally! After tonight, there will be no more speeches, rallies, etc and that means peaceful times again! After experiencing all sorts of tensions in past elections due to differing views, I’ve chosen to keep away from anything related to elections this year. And so, life has been relatively quiet and peaceful this time round!

Life has to go on, regardless of results. But I remain hopeful things will remain status quo.

:-)