operation

since getting the results earlier this week, bee's dad went back to the doctor again today. and he was told the tumour is close to the top of the right lung. thus, they would have to remove one of his lung altogether. although the doctor said the risk is about 15%, i could sense a high level of stress. one lung. how to breath properly?...

anyway, the doctor assured the family that his dad would do just fine. most people recovered well after such op and would be up and going after 2 months of recovery. but of cos, he must know how to take care of himself before and after the op to ensure there is no complications from infections. the op has been scheduled for mid-sep. am praying that he will be well and that he will recover fast from this illness.

just enough

recently, i was at the temple and the venerable shared this with us. it is not important to have too much, it is, however, very important to have just enough. we come into this world with nothing and we will go with nothing. so why need to accumulate so much?

do you agree?

for me, to a certain extent, i agree. but the challenge is - how much is enough? this is a big question. and reflecting deeper, i came to conclude that the concept of enough or too much is vague. what is most important is that one must feel contented. what do you think?

communication "problems"

ok, this is a post about my communications with bee. we recently have a lot of problems communicating with each other. and it revolves around one word. the ang mo knee or the chinese knee...

hahahahahahaha!

ok, am just in a nonsense mood now... and i just realize that if i write two more post, i would have hit my all time high of more than 65 blog post a month! gosh! cannot imagine this! average of more than 2 blog entries a day.... hmmm, either i am too free, or too stressed, or too bored... well...

happy sweeping

sapphie is getting itchy again. and with her scratching non-stop, i am beginning to get fur flying all over the house. but this time round, i am rather happy about it. after all the pains of seeing her go bald and her skin problems, having fur to sweep is a good thing to me now.

:-)

happy teachers day

we are all "sirs" or "mams", but how many of us actually earn it? if we are merely "sirs" or "mams" by the powers bestowed upon our position and not by the respect of people we lead, it is worthwhile to start reflecting how we can live up to it... never too late to start.

happy teachers days everyone!

weird dream... or was it?

i had a most interesting dream last nite. it was so real i thought i was literally screwing someone... and i think it was a woman. hmmm... and it was very intense. very tight. and the intensity just built and built. and then i woke up... what a super anti-climax! hahaha... and in my half asleep state, i was subconsciously chiding myself for waking up. hahaha... i forced myself back to sleep... hoping that i would be able to continue from where i left. but alas, the dream had ended.

hmmm, and i was thinking if i had gone on, it would probably be my first wet dream in my whole life... hahahahahah... ok, too much info...

:-P

ps: i actually forgot about this dream altogether and then suddenly in the evening, i remembered...

talking to kids 4

one more conversation between one of the student (a boy) and i... this time round, i was driving and we were on our way to the old folks home.

xxx: teacher teacher, you have a one dollar coin on the floor at the back of your car.

me: oh? ok... i must have dropped it. just place it in my coin compartment. thanks.

silence... soon enough, we arrived and i parked my car. out came the whole lot of students. and i locked my car and was about to walk off...

xxx: teacher teacher, this is your one dollar!

me: thanks! :-)

frankly, i was rather impressed with this boy's honesty. i am not sure if it is a case the dharma's effects on them. but i have observed that the schools' students are generally a lot more disciplined and virtuous in their conduct. this reminds me of another incident when the students were in class and there was a bag of tidbits. one of the students looked inside and was literally salivating cos he was a tidbit craze. i told him much as he liked it, he shouldn't take it. and he immediately replied "ya i know, it is not mine. and somebody has left it. so it is not right to take without asking."

i am impressed.

talking to kids 3

yet another one of the conversations between my student (a boy) and i over the weekend at the old folks home...

xxx: teacher, teacher, how come you don't have the school orange t-shirt. (i was wearing an orange puma t-shirt)

me: oh, cos i only joined the school 3 months ago. when did you get your t-shirt from the school?

xxx: last year.

me: see! that's why i don't have an orange t-shirt. anyway, why not you give me your t-shirt?

xxx: cannot cannot!

me: how come?

xxx: cos this t-shirt belongs to my mother.

me: *speechless* (this student was a boy!)

talking to kids 2

another one of my conversations with my student over the weekend at the old folks home...

xxx: teacher, what car do you drive.

me: oh, i drive a kia cerato. a very small car. why leh?

xxx: teacher, i thought you drive a big bmw.

me: why? no la. teacher not very rich. can only drive small cars.

xxx: teacher, what you work as?

me: oh, i work as a training developer. do you know what it is?

xxx: no... (i went on to explain to him what my job is about)... so, teacher, how much is your pay?

me: i earn about 6-7k. is that a lot?

xxx: wa... so little lor.

me: *speechless* (thinks for a while...) that's why i drive a small car lor. :-)

i am amazed how a young sec 1 kid can say 6-7k is very little. to me when i was a kid, anything bigger than 100 is considered a lot... hmmm...

talking to kids 1

one of the conversations between my student and i over the weekend at the old folks home...

me: hey xxx, why don't you talk to the residents?

xxx: teacher, i don't know how to talk to them.

me: why? go try la. i'm sure they will be happy to talk to you. imagine next time when you grow old, you would also like to talk to younger people.

xxx: but teacher, i don't even talk to my grandparents, so, why should i talk to them?

me: oh... then i think you should also talk to your grandparents lor.

xxx: oh no, no, teacher, i cannot.

me: huh? why not?

xxx: cos they live in malaysia.

me: *speechless*

old folks home

visited the old folks home over the sunday and thought it was rather meaningful. you see, the school i am teaching in organized the visit. and as part of the visit, the students were all asked to sing and dance and to perform some physio kinda movements to cheer the residents of the home. i arrived late as i had to pick some latecomers. when i arrived, i saw my students singing and dancing, and if i may say, in a very mien chiang (reluctant) manner. as for the residents, almost all were seated in wheelchairs or slumped onto the tables. none of them looked interested. almost all looked very glump and that they could do with more rest rather than to try to entertain the bunch of kids who looked like they themselves were forced to do what they were doing. it was rather painful to watch the whole scene unfolding for a while.

frankly, i felt it would be futile for me to try to cajoule them to dance or to do waves and so on. so, rather than try to make the ah mas and ah peks dance or clap, i decided instead to talk to them. i scouted around for one who looked receptive to me so that i could talk to him/ her. soon enough, an old lady looked at me and smiled. i walked up to her, introduced myself and we started chatting. and soon enough she was happily chatting away with me. her stories were simple. it was about her children, her grandchildren, how her family decided to place her and her husband in the home as they had to work and couldn't bear to see two old folks lonely at home. talking to her seemed so natural for i was like talking to my mum. and soon enough, i was able to broach even taboo topics with her. i spoke of death, i spoke of old age, i spoke of sickness. and i was focused on sharing with her my dharma knowledge and how these processes of life should not be feared. it was second nature to me after all my experiences with my mum. as for the old lady, she took to my sharings very well and we had a very happy and hearty chat. i felt very good to be able to chat with her.

there was also an uncle who looked pretty interested in the event. but somehow no one wanted to go near him. yet he seemed rather happy to have us around. and from far, he showed me he was enjoying himself by clapping his hands. after sometime, i decided to walk up and chat with him. but when i reached him, i realize why people avoided him. he was deaf and mute. but i stayed on and spent about 10 minutes with him. we chatted using sign language. it was weird cos i did not know sign language yet we managed to converse and got our messages across. he was pretty happy to be able to engage with someone.

all in all, i managed to chat with 4-5 people. small numbers but i thought i did well enough. at least i was able to break the boredom of the residents for that short moments. and i enjoyed it.

:-)

"0"

this is a new first for me. you see, i have a blog counter and would be able to see how many hits my blog experience each day. the numbers have ranged from anything between a 3-4 low to more than 100 a day. but most of the time, it stays in the ranges of between 12 - 25 hits a day. but today, (half hour shy of midnight), i have yet to get a single hit!

so... yup! zero hits for the day. a new first for me. a new low! and i don't think i can ever get any lower!

so funny!

:-)

garden slug

it was a wonderful end to my weekend. dinner at garden slug. good food, good ambience. been a long while since we went to any nice unpretentious, reasonably priced non-cheena place (really can't find a better term to use - referring to a place where the clientele are generally english-educated, food and the whole feel is rather western and not hdb heartland coffee-shop-like, and most importantly, quiet). just bee and i. nice and quiet evening.

:-)

letting go

my brother's mum-in-law arrived from china last week. and she has been having a great time catching up with her daughter (my sister-in-law). and i believe their closeness had impacted my mum very negatively.

i visited her over the weekend and she told me the mum-in-law and her daughter (my sister-in-law) are very close. and mum would relate how they spent the whole night chatting away, how they went out shopping, do things together, etc etc etc. and after saying all these, mum would tell me how "kek-sim" she felt cos she was reminded of how she never had the same relationship with her mum (my grandma), how my grandma had ill-treated her, how her mum-in-law (my paternal grandma) despised her, how she suffered during those early years of her marriage, etc etc etc. and she said, whenever she thought about it, she would cry. and it was also clear that when she related these things to me, she was also at the verge of crying.

it was clear that she could not let go of her past. and i had to keep repeating my words about letting go of the past, about how buddha had blessed her with a good life now, how the past is over, etc etc etc. i was almost like delivering a dharma talk to her. but i think she will never be able to let it go. and i think it will continue to haunt her for life. quite sad about it. i should make it a point to keep reminding her to let go.

heaven & hell

we have all along been taught to interpret concepts of heaven and hell as physical locations. question is - what if they are not? what if they are state of minds?

hmm... this is my own conclusion after a lot of deep reflection.

repentence

往昔所造诸恶业
皆由无始贪瞋痴
从身语意之所生
一切我今皆忏悔

i have had this cd at home for quite a while. but today, i brought it out to listen in my car. and i found it rather meaningful. but there were some words i did not understand. i got bee to explain to me. and when i finally understood it, i was totally bought over. simple short phrases, but it captured the many fundamental aspects of buddhist teachings! and after listening to it for almost a whole day, i can almost sing it by heart now!

:-)

why she so small

brought sapphie for a walk earlier this morning and an indonesian maid from the next condo commented: "wah, sir, why she now so small? last time she very big..." hmmm... i didn't know how to reply for a moment and said: "oh, becos her hair all dropped"... hahaha... rather lame reply. but that was perhaps the shortest and most straight forward reply i could give to a maid who might not understand me if i were to tell her long stories of how my dog had rashes, hormonal imbalance, combined with skin infestions, thyroid issues, etc. and i thought my short reply did just as well to some one who was half shouting to me across her condo fencing. but reflecting after this comment, yup, i agreed she had slimmed down a lot. and i can only think of one reason - her change from a pure meat to a pure vegetarian diet.

may be i should do the same and next time someone would say: "wah, sir, why you now so slim? last time very fat..." good idea? haha... and talking about being fat, my mum, who has all her life been complaining that i was too thin and my face was very sharp commented last week that i am now very rounded. she even patted my waist and said i now have a big tummy! hmmmph! but of cos, i find her gesture so sweet lor... heh heh!

:-)

ps: i got to know a lot of maids (indonesian, filipino, myanmar, etc) around my estate and neighbouring estates during my 9-months leave cos all of them walk their owner's dogs daily. and i thought it's a nice gesture to say hello to them. it's a slice of everyday life that i do not get to experience when i was (and am now) working.

pps: and oh, to complete the story, the maid replied too: "oh i see, my dog also all hair dropped." and before we could go further, sapphie started shitting in front of her and she exclaimed in bahasa-accented hokkien: "oh, she pang sai, she pang sai"... i smiled, chatted a bit more, bade her farewell and continued with my walk.

dedicated to joyce

joyce is my neighbour. i got to know her existence by chance sometime in 2007 (hmmm, or was it 2008?) when i googled "gay changi green". her blog appeared in the search. i clicked on it. i read some of her entries. i found them interesting. since then, i have been following it and from her writings, i believe i have a good glimpse of her life. in these 3 years or so, she had migrated her blogs at least twice. and with each change, i saw a young innocent girl (who could be called a spoiled brag at times) mature into a young, sensible and reflective lady (well, of cos still a little naughty and cheeky at times). her transformation was very distinct. and it was reflected in her blog name as well as her writings.

when i first read her blog, i thought she was a very strong girl. looking pass all her moods swings and frequent swearings (even at the smallest things), i saw a young teenage girl screaming out for guidance, i saw a young girl crying out for help. i felt sad to see her go through what she went through. i thought she should have been blessed with a more innocent and carefree teenage years. but regretably, circumstances had it that she had to face issues with her sexuality head on at such an early stage of her life. and with it came relationship issues that not many could comprehend, much less gave her the support she needed so much. and i felt the need to help her whenever i could. i so totally understood what she was going through.

she lived through those years. and from her writings, i thought she came through her experiences a little scarred and jaded. but i could see, she emerged a lot more mature and a lot more stronger. this could only be so after experiencing life's tribulations. in retrospect, i think it is a blessing in disguise. her experiences allowed her to be a lot more in control of herself now. she is a lot more down to earth and she seems more confident of herself now. and i could sense her constant search for life's meanings. it is not a common thing for a young adult to search for life's meanings. most would be busy wilding their time away and chasing their worldly pleasures. and i could only attribute her maturity to her recent experiences. her efforts in this search can only augur well for her in the longer run. and from this perspective, i think she had had a good headstart.

you go joyce!

:-)

weekly patterns

i have observed my weekly patterns. and it had always unfold this way - that at the start, the mid and the end of each week, i would be faced with a barrage of arrows. and as a result i would be loaded and loaded and loaded with work. and i also observed that i have always complained about it. hmm, if i see them as bad things, the only outcome would be i get stressed and become sick. let's see how i can break this cycle. hmmm, i shall try not to complain for a start. let me see what were the lessons i learnt this week instead...

firstly, i learned how terrible i was at managing my time. i should attempt to improve on this. also, i have learned many things in the course of being tasked to do things beyond my comfort zone. these include writing business strategies, learning practical tips about how business solutioning and pricing are done and so on. and yes, i had a fruitful time building my working relationships with my 2 managers. hmm...

and from this perspective, indeed, it had been a good week!

:-)

second chance

bee's dad went for the final consultation with the doctor today and got news that the growth, though cancerous, is in its early stage. the options given to him was to undergo an op or to go for chemo. recommended option is the op as it would be easier for the dad as chemo would weaken him tremendously.

whatever the option, we are all very happy that he has been given a second chance. and i strongly urge bee to bring him more to the temple to learn about the dharma. hopefully, he will be able to learn about the truth and be able to better manage himself before he grows older.

:-)

my immediate neighbour

some 2 years ago, i blogged about my neighbour's problems and how the dad moved out with another woman. well, at that time i felt very sad for them. and i saw how his departure from the family created havoc on the 2 sons. anyway, in recent weeks, we see him coming home to spend the nights quite frequently. and today, judging by the amount of stuff he left at the lift landing outside the house, it became quite clear that he is also starting to shift some stuff back.

frankly, both bee and i felt very very happy to see such developments. let's hope it is not a temporary thing. let's hope he is patching up with his wife and that they are getting back together again. so happy!

:-)

mid week, whew!

i feel so relieved that it is mid-week. this week has been most hectic. and i was totally exhausted by the time i got home today.

the results

it's been more than 2 weeks since bee's dad was diagnosed with cancer. and during these 2 weeks, his dad has gone through quite a lot of tests, scan, etc. and tomorrow, he will get the results. he will know what type of cancer it is, has it spread, and if it has, how far has it spread, etc. i think it will be a difficult time for the family tomorrow. and i hope they will be able to manage the news well, whatever the results may be.

disturbed sleep

have been having rather weird dreams over the past week or so. and my sleep has been highly disturbed. my reading of it was that i have been stressed about the work i am doing. perhaps i am, perhaps i am not. but what was clear was that i am having a lot of mental tensions with the way my boss volunteers for things that i sometimes i do not fully agree with. and then he would arrow them to me and pressurize me to get things done. worst still, i don't even know how to start for some of them, especially those that involves developing systems and processes that i don't even know exists. rather hate such situations. also, as a result of his arrows, i am being constantly put in a position where i am not able to do what i am supposed to do. and this is taking a toll on my ability to do and deliver things that my other bosses have given me. and couple with that, i am also grappling with the fact that my bosses don't really see eye to eye with each other...

hmmm...

anyway, i think i will just sleep it off... hmmm, ironic... haha!

:-)

ullambana

participated in my first ullambana this year. the first one was at the school. and the second one was at the temple i where i attended my friday talks. and i am not sure why, but i almost broke into tears when i made my offerings to the sangha. then again, this is something i still cannot explain. i always feel my eyes welling up with tears whenever i participate in any buddhist rituals, be it chanting, making of offerings, 3-steps-1-bow, or whatever. and i so totally understand how one woman felt during one of chanting session after a dharma talk when she burst into uncontrollable sobs and cried non-stop as we did the procession around the temple.

:-)

3 bosses

not too sure if anyone out there has experienced this before. i have an immediate boss, i also report to another boss who is also the boss of my immediate boss, and i also report to another boss who is also the boss of my boss of my immediate boss.

and things can get very very tricky when they do not see eye to eye on things that they arrow me to do. and just yesterday, my immediate boss asked me to do something and i hinted that i was bogged down with things that his boss has asked me to do. and he gave me that "wtf" look and told me that all the things i am doing will not earn the company money. and to add oil to the fire, he said i will surely fail.

wtf rite? then again, i just take it as part and parcel of my challenge to have 3 bosses. of cos, the positive side to it is that i get to learn good things from them and also get very high exposure to all of them. and from this perspective, it certainly is a very good cause for celebration.

:-)

business strategy

today marks a new first for me. i spent the day crafting the business strategy for my boss! talk about focusing on development... geeeeeeeeeee...

:-)

(and of cos, my post here is written with a huge tinch of sarcasm...) well... of cos, i must add that i am learning new things. for that, i am thankful.

it's about who u are with

bee and i went to the airport for dinner today. we literally did nothing today other than our routines - i visited my mum, he brought his mum to work, pack lunch for his dad, etc etc etc... and then we stay home to watch a drama serial about xu yun the old man. in between, i went for a run. and by the time the series ended, it was close to 9pm. and we went for our dinner.

at the airport, we saw many families there. the kids were running around. the parents were carrying their children's bags. some were pushing the strollers. the whole scene was very normal. very mundane. very unexciting. it was a scene that had played and replayed often. and i had made the comment previously that the fact that singaporeans go to spent a weekend at the airport reflects the very very very sad state of affairs for many singaporeans. there is no where good to go, singapore is just too small. there is no where interesting to go, or rather, every interesting has been visited too many times to be interesting anymore...

but today, i made a new comment. that it is not where we go, but rather, it is who we go with that makes the outing meaningful. even if it means, going to the airport. we came home smiling.

:-)

being judgmental

have been reading and following some online forums over the past years and very often, i read people making very uncalled for comments about others. and very very often, these comments are very critical about people's looks and other physical attributes. rather disheartening to read them i must say. and i thought it was very ironic. for we, gay people, are often the subjects of criticisms and judgments by the larger public. yet, we ourselves are some judgmental of our own kind. well, it is one thing to have preference, but to judge people by their physical attributes and make negative remarks about them is totally uncalled for. not a very nice thing to do.

anyway, i posted this remark in my facebook - "why do people judge others if they themselves do not want people to judge them? - are you guilty of this? for me, i admit, i do at times and i am not proud of it. i need to improve on this." and i got very good answers from some friends. jason shared that "it is common to be judgmental; esp that we are humans. whats important is that we do not let this feeling overuled logic and sense." i couldn't agree more. but of course, it would really do the world a lot of good if we could just live and let live. if being judgmental is human, the least we can do is to keep our thoughts to ourselves and not make it explicit and harm others.

right?

painful muscles

have been jogging and doing push-ups these 2 days. and my muscles aches quite badly, especially my obliques! but of course, it feels good to have the aches. reminds me of my more active days. and in a way, the aches do give me the additional push to want to exercise.

:-)

orthotics sandals

i went for my chiro yesterday. i had placed an order for a pair of sandals last week. it was a pair of sandals that had in-built orthotics. i was happy it fitted me well. but when i asked how much, i was told it would cost me $105. aiyoh... what! a pair of sandals and it costs so much?! i initially had second thoughts about buying it. but after thinking a little deeper, i decided to proceed. you see, because of my foot condition, i need to buy sandals that would support my arch. but such sandals are rare and very expensive. so the doctor recommended crocs sandal as it could shape itself after my feet shape after a few months of wearing. but thus far, my experience tells me that the crocs sandals can only mould itself so far. it can never mould itself to suit me perfectly. and my feet would feel painful after walking for sometime. and by paying $105, i can stop all these pains, why not right? in fact, it is a good investment. so, from this angle, i decided to pay for it.

heh heh...

tampones

i met up with an ex-staff earlier on to give him some of my views about possible career switch. he was my staff in 1995/ 96. and ever since then, we have hardly met or kept in contact until recently when we exchanged some views in facebook. and i was surprised he contacted me to ask me for my advice. i guessed i must have gotten his trust for him to ask me such a question.

so i agreed to meet up with him. i smsed him this morning about where to meet. and as i was sms-ing while driving, i did not focus too much on my sms text. i took a look at the sms again after some time, i realized i had misspell the word "tampines". i had typed "tampones" instead... haha... initially, i thought i read "tampons" and for a while, i got really confused. how could i be meeting him at "tampons". heh heh...

ok, back to our meeting. i gave him my views. i knew he was looking for answers. but i am not one who gives answers. and it is not because i can't give an answer. i can. but i cannot guarantee the answer i give is the answer that is meaningful and relevant to him. so i did what i usually do when people seek my advise. i gave him my views about how he should go about rationalizing how which path he should take. i gave some examples but in the end, i was non-committal. nonetheless, i made sure i explain to him why i did not give him a direct answer. he listened. and he thought about it. i could see my words made him think quite a bit. although he didn't get an answer from me after talking for a while, he didn't come across as disappointed. i could see he was happy with my sharing and he took my views very well. we ended with him saying that he would think about what i said.

we parted after that.

:-)

good meeting

it was another good and fabulous meeting today. remember i wrote sometime back about me taking over the secretaryship of a series of meetings? well, today, it was a top management meeting chaired by my big bossman and it involved all head of business units. and there were 2 items in the meeting and both were from me. following my recent meeting, i had reviewed my presentation, rescope them, and updated my slides with all the key things that my big bossman wanted. needless to day, i was worried there might be some controvery and that the discussion would drag but... wow... not only was there no heated argument (as was always the case), my big bossman also stood strongly behind me through my 2 presentations. every point i made, he reinforced. every point that needed to be elaborated, he came in and we seemed to synchronize very well. and in the end, everything just fell into place without having me to even try to justify anything myself!

my staff and i were all so happy. even those old birds said it was something of a miracle it went so smooth. heh heh... to me, it was a tiring, but very fruitful day. the challenge now is to push on and make it happen!

:-)

can't recognise you

"oh... i cannot recognise you. i have never seen you in business suit before and all along, i thought you were casually working from home..." words from a lady neighbour of mine when i chanced upon her earlier today.

i didn't know how to response to her except to just stare at her with wide open eyes and just smile... and i think she sensed my lack of appropriate words and just laughed about it.

:-)

re-pricing my loan

finally completed re-pricing my housing loan. and today, i got the documents all sent to me. have planned for this for the last 2 years plus. and i guessed things fell into place just as i planned it. am fixing the loan for a fixed interest rate of 1.88% for the next 2 years. and i guessed it is not too bad a time to do so cos the interest rate is at one of the lowest in recent times. in doing so, i get close to save close to $400 each month. such a great relieve to me. yay...

:-)

mondays are tiring

as in all mondays, today was terribly tiring. as usual, all the arrows starting flying today. and my boss came back from overseas and there are lots of things to do for him, especially powerpoint slides. i think he has the tendency to want me to do slides for him. a good aesthetic sense can sometimes cause on to end up with so much of extra work. then again, my boss's priorities are my priorities... that means one day of rushing to get his things done.

i ended up coming home at past 8pm. am feeling rather tired and exhausted now. well, gonna sleep soon. got a meeting to attend tomorrow.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

furry again

i am glad to update in here that sapphie has regrown the fur she lost over the last couple of months. nonetheless, the skin her leg joints and her buttock are still a little red and that her eyelids are still a little red and at times raw. but i am really glad that her fur at the lower half of her body had somewhat grown back. and they seemed to be rather healthy and soft to feel too. this is a good sign that she is receiving sufficient nutrients despite her vegetarian diet.

also, i noted that some of her lumps on her body (fatty lumps that could possibly be cancerous) have disappeared. added to this, she no longer trips and falls when she runs around. i supposed her low fat and vegetarian diet supplemented with a lot of natural plant-based omega-3 oil have helped her overcome all these issues.

am glad things are looking good for her.

ironing

if you were to ask me to name one thing in the week that i do not enjoy doing, it would be ironing. so, to avoid doing too much ironing, i would wear my clothes for 2 days before i wash them. but of course this does not mean i wear them on consecutive days la... firstly, i must make sure i wear an inner shirt. this is to prevent my shirt from getting in contact with my perspiration. then i would wear them once, hang them up again and wear the same shirt again the following week. by this logic, i would have 5 shirts being worn the second time in the following week. so, to prevent people from saying how i have the same wearing patterns, i would change the sequence in the second week. heh heh...

but of cos, this means that i have to iron 10 shirts every fortnight... well... anyway, i was supposed to iron 10 shirts tonight. but i was just too lazy. i shall wake up earlier tomorrow and iron one set (shirt and pants) and perhaps iron the rest tomorrow night. let's take things slow. good to give myself a break sometimes!

:-)

making life simple

i really enjoyed this short video. the opening first two words "be happy" and the ending last four words "be true to yourself" totally resonates with me. i came out and accept myself as my way of being true to myself. and my blogging captures my journey to being as happy a person as i could. by my terms. and frankly, i have been able to live out almost all the little words in between the starting 2 and ending 4 words.

i am indeed a happy person!

:-)

about perspectives 2

a muslim friend of mine reflected that this is an interesting month. she said muslims are rejoicing the fact that this is a holy month of fasting. as for taoist, they are observing the hungry ghost festival this month. they believe that this month is where all the ghost and wondering spirits from hell would roam the earth. as for buddhists, we are rejoicing the fact that this is a joyous month of filial piety and merit-making. accordingly, this month marked the end of the raining season in india (where buddhism originated). and during the raining months, many from the sangha would go into retreat to meditate and emerged enlightened this month. it is thus a joyous month!

3 different perspectives to one same month of the year!

how interesting right?

:-)

about perspectives

in life, all things are about perspectives. a cup can half-filled with water be taken as either half filled or half empty. it depends of one's perspective. one just needs to focus on the right perspective and one can find happiness. conversely, by focusing on the negatives, one derive unhappiness, dissatisfaction and negative energies. and one suffers.

yesterday, after the yog opening ceremony, i turned on my facebook and saw a comment by a friend about how it couldn't even be compared to china's olympics. hmmm... i called him and we went into a huge argument about the issue. my point was, he needed to see things in perspective. and his argument was, singapore has always been tip top, first in everything la la la... and this time round, singapore had totally embarrassed herself by staging such a sub-standard opening ceremony. but i totally did not agree with his views at many levels. perhaps he was right in the lack of co-ordinations and the not too creative items at times, but i felt very strongly that he was totally off when he compared the yog with china's olympics. to do so was nothing short of being superbly superficial and uninformed. apart from putting things in context (such as budget, time to prepare, etc), we would also need to understand that such shows were staged with clear messages in it. and in this light, there was no basis for comparison. for china, they have 8 years to prepare, they have billions of dollars, they have billions to people, they have 5000 years of history to present, etc. in short, they have a statement of grandeur, history, power and might to present. for us, our message was this - we are young, we are vibrant, we are spontaneous, we are energetic and we are contemporary. that after all, is what being young is all about. in short, we are youthful and fun. and in this context, grandeur, precision was really not the focus. and from this perspective, i really enjoyed how the idea of youth was put forth - the multimedia presentation, the imperfections, the spontaneity, and the fun-centric presentations. and all these were done with a dose of culture! nice!

then again, our heated argument went no where other than at one point, he felt i was being personal and trying to put him down. for the record, i was not. anyway, we agreed to disagree. and we left it at that. and i could see that up till now, my friend has still focused so much on the negatives that despite almost all the comments by his friends that they enjoyed the show, their rather forgiving comments after taking into considerations all the budget, time etc and stuff, he insisted it was not a good show. from this episode, my conclusion is this, when one is blinded by prejudices, one cannot give objectivity to the issue.

perspectives.

delusions

the interesting thing about teaching is that as one teaches, one learns deeper. for me, today i taught the class on the twelve links of dependent origination (see picture). initially, i thought i knew it well enough, but after teaching it, i actually gained a deeper insight into its meanings! i simply love teaching!

home

one of the very few impactful song in recent years. and i must say this - kit chan is really the best!

:-)

don't be a monk

i had an interesting sms this morning. it was from an singaporean friend who is residing in bangkok. he asked how come i got a chinese buddhist-sounding name. and i replied that that name was the name i got when i took refuge. and he asked if i had thought of becoming a monk. i said yes, that thought did cross my mind. and he said: "no, never ever do it. all problems in life can be solved. don't become a monk. disappointing to see a handsome monk..." or something like that.

i smiled when i read the sms. and i showed it to bee. and he smiled. and we thought perhaps the impression many people get from people who renounce and become monks/ nuns is that these people have lots of problems in life. and perhaps the mass media might have portray it to be so. but this is so so far from the truth. if i ever becoming a monk, i would be very very happy to do it. i would have finally been able to detach myself from my worldly desires and focus myself on self-development to seek enlightenment.

i guessed many people do not fully understand the process one need to go through when one renounce too. one cannot become a full-fledge monk/ nun if one continue to have worldly attachments. and before he/ she can be properly ordained and accepted as a monk/ nun, he/ she needs to go through a period of `probation'. becoming a monk/ nun is not an escape, it is a realization and the dedication of one's life and efforts to seek the truth, to practise and to propagate the dharma. for me, i have realized it, but i am not ready to dedicate my life wholly to it as yet. may be one day i would, but not now.

:-)

ps: then again, i never thought of myself as good looking. so, to this friend of mine, khop khun ma krap!

minute writing

finished my minute writing in record time! completed by last nite!

:-)

yog opening ceremony

it was a simple ceremony. and it reminded me of national day parade. and i thought given the short period and limited resources we had, we delivered a rather decent opening ceremony! well done!

:-)

making offerings

went to bao guang for a rehearsal for the making of offerings to the sangha yesterday. felt so honoured to have been asked to do it. and i also dedicate all the merits accrued for this simple act to all sentient beings and may all break the cycle of samsara and attain buddhahood!

:-)

good week

this had been an good week. it started with us rushing to get things done and then we realize suddenly that oh! it's mid-week. we had forgotten we started off with tuesday! heh heh...

and then it dawned upon us that we have a meeting end of the week (ie, today). it was a meeting chaired the big bossman. and well, it was a significant one cos i take over the secretaryship of this meeting wef today. and i made it a point that my team attend the meeting and take notes for me too. most importantly, i wanted to expose my team to the big bossman. it has always been my believe to expose my staff to the management as much as possible. but of cos, i make it a point to prepare them for it. such exposure can only do them good when ranking and appraisal come about. so you can imagine the excitement in my team. and of cos, we wanted to put up a good show for this first meeting.

when i prepared the agenda, i burst out laughing cos i realized that out of the 5 items to be presented, 4 items belonged to me/ my team. heh heh... nonetheless, we went about rushing to get our briefing slides done. we went to the meeting room early. the big bossman walked in on time. and the meeting kicked off rather smoothly. and it became a meeting that almost became a dialogue between my team and the big bossman with the rest of the company key staff looking at us. quite funny actually. today's meeting turned out well. better than i had expected. frankly, there was a particular slide that i was rather worried might not get through. but when i flashed it, i saw the grin on his face and straight away, i knew i had him on my side. hurray!

the meeting was was originally scheduled for an hour, but in the end, it lasted close to 2 hours. and the big bossman walked out smiling. and of course, all of us in my team walked out feeling drained but smiling broadly.

:-)

but of cos, i will again be spending the next 2 days writing my minutes... and looking at the calender for the rest of the year, i have to be secretary for a meeting almost every week! hmmmph!

ps: at the end of everything, my big bossman's secretary called me and said my big bossman wanted me to join him for lunch. heh heh... wanted to get my staff to join in but he freaked out and in the end, i went alone.

old man

that old man looked really really old now. age has really caught up. he seemed a little frail too. wonder how long more he will last. will he stand for the next election? after he dies, will there be a power struggle? as it stands, many are waiting biding their time before they show their colours. and these people come from both within and outside the white-garbed people.

interesting days ahead.

scary too.

another project

my boss just volunteered to take over a project from hr. and he told me he wants to brief me about it tomorrow. and there is also another project that looks like he will be volunteer to manage. and needless to say, my team will have to shoulder these projects...

hmmm...

life is interesting indeed.

:-)

thanks for reference

was at the chiro earlier (my tues routine), when i saw a range of special sandals with built in orthotics. i was checking them out and explaining to the counter girl when a guy (who was waiting for his wife to complete her treatment) recommended i try shopping at a specific shop. he was rather chatty and told me how he also had the same problem, how his knee caps are also worn out and so on... and when i asked more about the shop, he pulled out a name card and gave it to me. he said he had just visited the shop and had no use for the card.

so nice of him right?

:-)

today is monday!

i just realized that when i start work tomorrow it would be a tuesday! that means this week is a 4-day week! hurray!

:-)

i wish my bee strength

the past week had been a difficult one for bee. his dad was diagnosed with lung cancer following a lung screening x-ray. his family had since been upside down with his mum and brother being very upset. as for him, he seemed ok, but knowing him, he must be bottling things up. and it was clear yesterday when he posted a status in his facebook indicating that he had been crying.

well, thinking about what he has been going through, i am somewhat glad i had brought him to attend dharma talks and temple services over the past couple of years. i can see that his has been able to see things in perspective and that he is a little more calm compared to his family. nonetheless, i understand his feeling upset.

his dad will be going for a proper follow-up check tomorrow. they should be able to know if the cancer is malignment or benign and how it had affected the dad's overall well-being. let's hope for the best. then again, i see the following silver lining from this whole episode - that the family is very much more closer now. they are a whole lot more attentive to his father now. and as for his father, he is a lot more health-conscious now.

:-)

no alcohol

i think i will abstain from alcohol henceforth. you see, i have taken the precept to avoid intoxicants and based on what one venerable shared at that time, taking occasional drink of alcohol is fine as long as one does not get attached (addicted) to it. this was slightly different from another venerable who said one should avoid alcohol totally once one take the precept. i was confused initially but decided to follow the former's take and had continued taking alcohol socially even after taking my refuge and precept last year. to me, what the former said made sense and resonates with the whole idea of middle path.

but of late, i heard again from another venerable that one should avoid all alcohol at all cost. it reminded me of the little conflicting messages i got from different venerables last year. but this time round, something the venerable shared convinced me. she said that since we have a choice, it would be good if we can approach this a little more conservatively and to totally avoid it. she explained that the very fact that one wants to continue drinking it socially reflect ones' attachment to it. and from a spiritual development perspective, it would do no good. when i heard this, i became clear. there is also this thing called discipline. and the constant discipline in making one avoid alcohol is part of the whole process of self-management and self-improvement.

so... yes, i shall henceforth attempt to abstain from alcohol.

:-)

new sofa set

bought for my brother a new set of sofa. decided to do so after getting his consent. and when he asked for the cost (so that he could pay me), i declined. instead, i told him to take it as my gift to my mum. didn't want him to feel indebted to me. i know he didn't like to feel so. felt happy to do it. cost me quite a bit but i thought it was necessary as his sofa set is already tattered and torn, the sponge had collapsed and the wooden frame pressed against one's back. quite painful.

:-)

no school today

i went to the temple today for my sunday teaching. as usual, when i reached there, i sat in my car to read my book and to prepare myself. but what surprised me was the fact that when i went to the assembly hall, it was empty. i found out later after calling the temple administrator that they have cancelled today's lesson to give students a national day break. and this was announced last week.

haiz. well, since i was there, i made full use of my time to pay homage to the buddha at the various prayer halls. as i was about to leave, 2 nuns and a lay-lady alighted from a taxi in front of the admin block and the lady came up to me and asked if they could pay homage to the buddha. she sounded foreign. readily i showed them the way to the main hall. i learned that they are nuns from vietnam and knew no english. so the lady (who is a vietnamese residing in singapore) had volunteered to help with the translation. i managed to get a map for them, showed them the locations of the various prayer halls, suggested to them a route to take and left them to explore the temple themselves. the was the least i could do for my tourist-buddhist sister and venerables. i could see their deep appreciation as they bowed deeply before i left. it felt really good to be able to help.

:-)

going for a run

sam called me earlier. i told him i am going for a run... and he exclaimed "wah..." and he laugh (of cos, it is an encouraging laugh)... heh heh...

yup, think i really need to go for a run. listen to the nurse, it is good for me... hmmm, i am reminded of something my venerable teacher said: "being able to obey and to adhere to a teacher's advise goes a long way to enhance a person from a spiritual development angle". although this is not spiritual development per se, i think the concept is not much different. it is about discipline and it is about developing one's inner self.

burmese temple

i visited the singapore burmese temple for the first time this morning. i was there to look for a buddha figurine. they did not have what i was looking for. nonetheless, it was a good visit. i like the simplicity of the temple and that despite having a simple layout, it still look pretty grand.

:-)

health review

what an interesting morning i had! went for my medical review today and things did not look good. my bmi was a little high and my blood test results showed that all the negatives have gone up. ldl (cholesterol), lipids (fats) etc. although the hdl (good cholesterol) also showed an increase, the overall ratio of the hdl and ldl was unhealthy - more unhealthy that the last check in mar this year. and compared with the results over the past few readings, it showed a distinct upward trend. nonetheless, my doctor said he would keep me to the current level of statins (10mg/ night) but if the trend continues upwards, he would have to increase the dosage.

of cos, the nurse that counselled me went on and on about how i should avoid fried stuff, hokkien mee, char way teow, orh luak, nonya kueh, coconut stuff, nuts, la la la... and i was thinking - omg, if i were to keep away from all these, i might end up not being able to eat anything at all... heh heh... but of cos, of cos, i knew where she was coming from. i shall try to control my diet. also, she went on about how i should do more exercises, increase my intensity, increase the duration, yadda yadda yadda yadda... yes yes yes, i know i know i know... and as for my bmi, she went on and on about how i should try to loose some weight. looking at my bmi figure, she advised that i should shed at least 2 points off and that it is actually quite easy. only 2 points she said. well, it might be easy to her, but 2 points translate to close to 6kg! damned! no wonder she is not a slimming counsellor but a nurse! and of cos, it didn't help that she was a little "bah bah" herself. ha!

on the bright side, my blood sugar level was very good and i did not experience any asthmatic relapse. the pulse rate, blood pressure all registered super healthy range. and at the end of the consultation, i asked (and got) the nasal spray to clear my irritable throat, and i went on to get my hepatitis booster jab!

ouch!

:-)

fruitful friday

i had a very eventful and fruitful friday. at work, i managed to complete a set of marketing slides for my bosses' boss and cleared 4-5 items/ presentations in a meeting. after work, i also managed to attend the temple service and when i came home, swept and mopped the house, washed and hanged my clothes, and thoroughly scrubbed my fish tank.

:-)

laundry month

if there is a competition to brand a particular month of the year, i would call august the laundry month. and i would do so because i noticed that at this time of the year, all our resident's committee would hang out all their laundry to wash and to dry. and because there is a law that only allows people to fly their flags in august, our resident's committee conveniently take out all their flags and hang it out to wash and dry.

and even more convenient is the fact that it rains a lot these days. so, apart from drying, they also get free water from the sky to wash to flags. 2-in-1. why not right?

:-)

generalizing people

i feel very strongly that we cannot generalize people based on their external attributes or belongings. of cos, one can have negative experience with people in the past, and one may want to take the necessary precautions to protect oneself, but to carry it to the extremes and to avoid/ not give people a chance to even be a friend is something i feel very strongly about.

you see, during my lunch with my dear friend thomas yesterday, he shared that he would not want to associate with people who drives a convertible. added to this, even after knowing a person, and he were to find out later that this person drives a convertible, he would keep his distance. his reason - "people who drives convertibles are full of himself, proud, showy and shallow". ok, some may not be his exact words, but well, you get the idea. i disagreed. my point was that we cannot generalize. people who are showy, proud la la la has a higher tendency to drive a convertible, but not all who drives a convertible are proud, etc.

and it would be totally unfair to the person (who drives a convertible) to be branded even before you get the chance to know him! this is simply pure discrimination. totally baseless. no? and i relate this to the analogy of being gay. as a gayman, the last thing i expect or hate people to do, was to generalize and make conclusions about my behaviour just because i am gay. and being at the recieving end, it felt really shitty. and if i were to hold the same thought and exhibit the same behaviour of generalizing, wouldn't i also be guilty of discriminating people?

"tee"-junctions

it was an interesting day today. you see, i lunch with thomas almost daily. and we would meet at toa payoh at about noon. and when we meet, we would bitch bitch bitch through lunch like what any gay men would typically do. yak yak yak... but today was slightly different, thomas called and asked me to pick him up as he had send his car for servicing. and he gave me some directions to get to his office. and i got lost. and i got mad. and it was the first time he saw me got so angry. and i got lost not becos i misunderstood him. rather, i got lost becos there was a total misalignment of how we usually use words that describe junctions...

this was what happened...

thomas: ok, after you exit the highway, you turn left to safra right? ok, you don't turn left. you turn right. and after you turn right, you head straight. and after heading straight you will finally reach a "tee"-junction. turn right at the "tee"-junction and head straight. you should be able to see a carpark and i will wait for you there....

me: orh, ok... (and i repeated what he said and he said yes)

and i exited the highway, and i turned right and i drove and drove and drove and drove and after driving for sometime, it struck me - the road i was travelling on in toa payoh was a loop road. so where got "tee"-junction? i knew i was way off when i reached the other end of toa payoh. and so i turned right. and i drove, and next thing i knew, i was heading to bishan... and quickly, i did a u-turn but damned it, there was the exit to toa payoh was on the parallel road on my left. i had u-turned too early. and next thing i knew, i was on my way to cte. then i got caught in a jam before i finally did another u-turn and made my way back to toa payoh again.

by this time, i was already fuming mad... i was desperately checking my street directory and driving and trying to think very hard where in toa payoh was the god-damned "tee"-junction... i was not able to figure it out even after i arrived to pick thomas. and after he explained, i concluded that we both understood differently what was "tee"-junction. for me, i had understood "tee"-junction to be a junction in the shape of a capital/ uppercase "T". and i would be travelling from the base of this "T" upwards towards the point when the perpendicular line meets the horizontal line. to me, this was how everyone i knew in my 43 over years of life had defined a "T" junction. but not thomas. to him, his definition of "tee"-junction was a small alphabet/ lowercase "t". ok, enough said. not need to explain further. you get the idea.

wah lau!!! wah lan!!! wah piang!!! wasn't that supposed to be called a "crossroad" junction or simply a "cross" junction? wasn't this also stated in the basic highway code theory test? wasn't that the same way all crossroad junctions are referred to all over the world? there is even a phrase used to describe a person when he is in a dilemma at some specific point in his life - "at one's crossroad in life"... heard of it? sighs... well, it was a learning experience of both of us. for me, i guessed i got a new perspective of what is a "tee"-junction. and for thomas, i guessed he know now that small letters have not place in naming junctions. all junctions are referred to using capital letters.

so, the lesson is - when you communicate, don't assume everyone understand the words the way you do. the silver lining of this whole experience was this - we both got to know each other better.

:-)

a new friend - jason

this week, i got to know a new friend. well ok, not exactly "got to know" per se. we actually introduced ourselves some time back. but since i started work, we had not had the chance to meet. until this week. his name is jason.

he used to swim at the pool i frequent and often after his swim he would head to the wading pool to relax, and to tan. and that was how our path crossed cos i usually tan at the wading pool. about my height and lean. and rather ambiguous in terms of his sexuality i must say (or perhaps my gaydar was not really working well these days). he spotted a very straight-looking hair style, walked normally, behaved normally... on the whole, just very normal, very straight normal. so much so that some of my pool friends thought he was straight, and some insisted he must be straight cos he did not look at people the way many gay men would. it was only after several meeting that we finally broke the ice. and if i recalled correctly, it was when i was walking out after changing up that we finally spoke. and that was how i got to know him. that was probably 3-4 months ago.

anyway, to cut the long story short, we did not see each other again after i started work. so, this week, it was nice to see him and we exchanged number. and that was how we maintained contact. he is now in my facebook friend list too. heh heh...

i am glad to know a new friend.

:-)

speedy week

it's amazing how fast this week passed by. it seemed only not too long ago that i was preparing myself for the week and ironing my clothes and now, it is the start of a weekend. a national day weekend for that matter.

then again, i guessed i was busy. and that perhaps distracted me from the whole idea of time. well, let's see... i actually started the week by asking my 2 managers to my office and making them chart out what their week's target would be. it was something i want to do cos i want to be proactive about doing things. i want my team to be on top of the situation. being able to define what we want to do at the start of the week gives us focus. but thus far, we had not been able to do what we wanted to focus. and things got postponed again and again cos very very often, my boss would just drop in and throw us some bombshells here and there. and many of these bombshells were due to him vounteering to do things for people. and we end up being super duper busy. and despite trying to be proactive, we ended up super duper reactive.

and sadly, this week was not different. our discussion on what we want to focus started well and we managed to chart out a whole lot of stuff. and very enthusiastically we splitted and got about doing our stuff. and we felt very in control (for the first time in a long while) cos my boss took leave to settle some family matters. but the bombshell came in later in the afternoon. my managers got an email telling them that they had to attend a series of meetings that would last from wednesday to friday. and of these 3 days, the meetings would likely last till late evenings. damned!

so... haiz... things got hung again. but of cos, we managed to deliver what is consider priority (or rather, my bosses priority). be focused. yes! well, i ended this week with a meeting at 4pm today. and so, i guessed i will be spending the next 2 days writing minutes at home...

sighs right?

:-)

asking the temple staff

this week, i visited the temple to get tickets for an upcoming event. and along the way, i also asked the staff if they knew where i could get a burmese buddha figurine. the answer came fast - go burma... hmmm, ya right! and another said - oh, shi fu always go burma, so you can ask her to buy for you... and before i can even respond, another staff said, but i guess when you buy a buddha figurine, you would want to see it first rite? it must be something you can identify with...

yes, right, right, right and right. in the end, they could only suggest i pay a visit to the burmese temple in balestier. even then, they are not sure if i can get one from there. well, need to thank them for being so enthusiastic with their responses. i guess i will have to continue looking. and this just came to my mind as i type this entry - that perhaps, the difficulty of the whole process itself is a way to test my resolve to finding it and indirectly a test of my own faith...

hmmm, what say you?

:-)

buddha shopping

it's been a while and i finally did it. i went buddha hunting today. well, to be exact, bee and i went to look for a statue of the buddha. i had wanted to erect an altar at home since a long while ago and decided that i should do something about it today.

buddha hunting wasn't exactly easy. i have previously hunted for many years for a standing buddha before i found one at chatuchak market in bangkok. i saw it and told myself that is the one i want and i bought it immediately. this time round, i faced the same issue. i simply cannot find a buddha that i can connect with. a statue that i can feel at peace with. a statue that i can look at and be reminded of the serene of the enlightened one and be inspired by him. we went to a big shop beside the kuan imm temple. the statues there were all those of mahayana buddhism origins. the buddha statues were mostly amitabha buddha. and they had many kuan imm statues too. but i just simply cannot find the buddha i have been looking for. specifically, i was looking for a buddha that bears the same semblance to that of the one at pks temple, the front hall. it is the same as that seen in mangala vihara and similar to that seen in bao guang tang. i think it is of burmese origin. this is the one that i have been searching for for a long time. we made our way to the next shop. again, i couldn't find it. in that shop, i was really drawn to one particular statue that i was told was of sri lanka origin. i liked the simplicity. i liked the serenity. and for that moment, i almost wanted to get it. but in the end, i decided to look around further.

we went to a couple more shops. and then to look for altars. i decided to just end the search and continue another time. i guessed searching for a buddha statue that i can identify with is going to be another long drawn affair. i was not disappointed. i knew the statue that i am looking for is somewhere out there waiting for me to find it.

:-)

tiring sunday

well, i decided not to go to school today (i am a volunteer teacher). and i decided so becos bee said yesterday that he felt the weekend had been unproductive. and he added that since i started work, we hardly have any time together. and that is made worst by the fact that he had been very busy with his business.

and so, i decided this morning that i should spent time with him. we went about doing what we used to do before i started work. and that means very mundane stuff. we had our breakfast at fengshan market. we walked around the wet market. we shopped around the chup huey tiam, yadda yadda yadda... and then we came home and do housework. and after that we went out. dropped by mum's place, visited the bukit timah train station, went shopping a little, walked around waterloo street looking for buddha statues, walked around marina square, met up with some friends for high tea, went walking around again at chinatown, and then for dinner at hougang and then home.

it was a tiring day but i guessed it was a fruitful one.

:-)