so many things to relate but could not pen it down

i am so so so glad weekend is here;

there are just so many many things that happened today at work and so ... ** deleted ** then again, seemed like many of the things that happened today cannot be written here without compromising my nature of work and my identity... self-imposed restrictions (again) for fear of consequences if i am outed... or is it just what `they' refer to as `responsible behaviour'? I donno... sounds familiar?

if you love someone, let him/ her go

frankly, was really touched by li shengjie's song - esp the one abt him letting go and giving his blessings to his girlfriend when she admitted to him that she has fallen in love with his best friend instead.

He sings - when you told me you have fallen in love with my best friend, i realised that feeling aches in my heart is worst off than feeling heartbroken... it is natural for you two to long for a LTR and happiness and to fall in love is natural and you have freedom of choice. I wish you two well.

He also muttered to himself - I will feel devastated if you end up lonely in the end for this is not hat I wished for when I gave 2 of you my blessings...

So magnaminous of him right? Epitome of the phrase - if you love someone, let him/ her go....

but frankly, is there really such altruism in life? I wonder...

integrated initiatives

From the word go, we have scores of people voicing their support for `it'.

(me too admittedly. actually quite excited about it).

and hey want to point out this - despite all the pros and cons, one thing seemed weird to me - how come all those who oppose to `it' did not consider the fact the we have such facilities on cruises that operate off our ports? or the fact that the closest facility to us is less than an hour by flight from home to the city of our closest neighbour?

also wondered, if so much efforts and institutions can come out with the many programmes to counter the expected `ill-efects' and `social fall-outs' if `it' is implemented, wouldn't it seemed a wee bit possible that such an effort can also be put in place to accomodate GLBTs so that our country get a portion of the `pop culture pie' (the pink portion)?

hmmmm, then again, perhaps pink dollars may not necessarily generate an amount of revenue that could match that of such integrated initiatives hor? really, a case of money maketh the world go round? perhaps one fine day when we have more pull-factor, our great country may consider an integrated approach to integrate the country to the idea of opening up to us pink people.

hmmm...

moral judgement

when someone says he will not attempt to pass his moral judgement on you, has he already not done so by mentioning it?

best gift

the best gift u can give yourself is

- to forgive someone

- to accept yourself

memorable quotes

> him yelling at me in the car along xilin road at 2330hrs
- i can never hold an intellectual discussion with you!

> Reflecting when he came back literally begging for me to accept him
- i fought with god and i won

> During my NSF days, along Foxhound Ave, my PC
- since you fuckers cannot obey orders like human being, i shall henceforth use my whistle to give orders!

> During my NSF days, in Taiwan, my mentor
- for once, can you stop saying `Yes, Sir'?
- for fuck sake, can you stop smiling?

> During my NSF days, at 4am in the morning being tekan by my mentor
- I want to make you so fucking shag, the smile will disappear from your face

> During my NSF days, at 2am in the morning, my mentor
- Platoon, Turn Out!

> During my NSF days, at 3.30am after a change parade, wet and drenched, my graduating seniors
- sword & torch, a symbol of ....
- daring initiatives
- undaunted willpower
- absolute fitness...

> Visiting my Sec 2 Sc teacher when I was in JC
- for the first time since you left sec school, i see you walking and not bouncing!

m'ries, some familiar tunes

Donnie & Marie-
May tomorrow, be a perfect day, may you find love and laughter all the way, may god keep you in his tender care, till he brings us together again... Good night every body!

Mickey Mouse
- M-I-C-K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!

Xiao Bao Li Xian Ji
- Xiao Ba You Ge Pu Wa WaWa Wa Huei Bian Fa...

Xiao Qing Wa
- Ku Kua Ku Kua Xiao Qing Wa...

Solid Gold
- ...my head keeps spinning to music, spinning to gold... SOLID GOLD!

Everyday Milk Powder
- Build lively body for lively might,every day with EVERYDAY...

Anchor Butter
- Anchor Butter, butter's better..

Lullaby - When I was a baby
- Yee Ah Or Or Koon
Jit Meh Tua Jit Chun
Yee Ah Or Or Si-ot
Jit Meh Tua Jit Chiot!

(Hokkien - Tanslation)

- Sweetly sleeps my baby
- May he grow by an inch a night
- Sweetly sleeps my darling
- May he grow by a foot a night!

freedom

and i wish i am an eagle
and i wish i could spread my wings
flying high high like a bird in the sky
over mountains and forests and seas...

(adapted from my favourite song from ABBA)

EAGLE (ABBA)

They came flyin' from far away, now I'm under their spell
I love hearing the stories that they tell
They've seen places beyond my land and they've found new horizons
They speak strangely but I understand

And I dream I'm an eagle
And I dream I can spread my wings
Flyin' high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

As all good friends we talk all night, and we fly wing to wing
I have questions and they know everything
There's no limit to what I feel, we climb higher and higher
Am I dreamin' or is it all real

Is it true I'm an eagle
Is it true I can spread my wings
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

And I dream I'm an eagle
And I dream I can spread my wings
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

mid-life crisis?

was flipping thru my old stuff yesterday and had the chance to flip thru my photo albums, birthday cards, greeting cards, old letters - yup, those days we wrote letters when there was no internet, etc. was reminded of my sec school, college life, uni, NSF, etc etc etc and all the friends i had. was also reminded of my teenage crushes and closest of friends. suddenly, i felt a great sense of crisis, of panic, of depression. I felt that I had really not achieved much, at least for myself. Perhaps I had done lots for my company but for myself - none.

Then it also struck me that I had passed my prime, and I couldn't help but feel a total sense of lost and helplessness. It seemed like my life has fast forwarded and that there is absolutely nothing I could do about it, that I had not spent it well enough, that my youth, my life, my friends, my family, everything has not been lived up to what I had wanted it to be. Momentarily, I also blamed the people tat my life has revolved around (esp currently) for not giving me the fulfilment I had sought, my emotional, psychological, physical needs etc.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I felt, and after this anger, I began to feel depress. Lost. Helpless. Is this the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about? or is it just me and my expectations?

1 merlion, 2 perspectives

i was in primary 3 when it was installed. we had art competitions, story telling contests, excursions to elizabeth walk to view it, etc. 30yrs down the road today, i sat once again by the side of the merlion. memories came back, my childhood, my innocent days, they seemed so far away, yet seemed like yesterday. the merlion still reminds me of the magic of my childhood.

and there he was, james, sitting beside me by the merlion reading his book, oblivious of my reflections. he could not understand my silence; and the memories that the merlion evoked in me, he never will. to him, the critter is but an artificial construct, a marketing product to hardsell Singapore and nothing more.

one common icon, 2 different emotional associations/ attachments, 2 products of 2 different time?

weblogs

boon, a good friend of mine told me - you should write down your thoughts in a weblog so people can read your reflections/ experiences and who knows, people may just learn a lesson or two from them.

possible?

for me, if i weblog, it'll be for selfish reasons, for myself to document my life experiences and to remind me of my highs and lows in my life, to be my life journal. rather than to let people learn any lessons.

the cyberspace is already so clouded with weblogs and i really really doubt if mine is gonna make any difference.

:-)

shared values...

- nation before community and society above self

- family as a basic unit of society

- community support and respect for the individual

- consensus, not conflict

- racial and religious harmony

wondering aloud

always wondered if there are blind ajs.

if looks are so impt...

What I find important in a relationship....

I really dunno anymore...

Loving someone can be so painfully difficult when on one hand you want contentment, and on the other hand, you are emotionally and sexually so unfulfillied. You want intimacy, you want connection, you want some quality time, but all he wants is to do his work.

6 years, 6 years of repeated excuses to `dedicate' his time to his work - at work, at home, during weekday nights, during weekends, during all the time. All because he deems it necessary to prove himself. You call it obsession, he calls it passion. Passion? Obsession? Two sides of a same coin? At your expense. Fair?

You both are seen as partners by friends. His friends would comment how envious they are of you two for sustaining such a long and `loving relationship', but in reality, you really do not know his friends well and he absolutely refuses to even attempt to know your friends. Far as you are concerned, you are treated more like a father, a brother, a mother or for that matter, a maid. And he continues to do his work.

And amidst all these, you chose to look on the bright side. You do not want to break up cos you are just too tired to start the whole process of courtship anymore. Yet, amidst all these emotional torture, you still choose to live with him... is this love? or just plain stupidity?

I can't see the line anymore...

Are teachers all like this?

feeling threatened

I feel so naked, so observed, so insecure...Once I was afraid, I was petrified.... well, actually, I am still afraid and am still petrified... Believe many of us are, to varying degrees. Would consider myself a normal Singaporean trying to live my life, do my work and be responsible as a member of the larger society... I love my country, I love my fellow countrymen/women, but I do very much wish for a more open and accepting workplace and society!

my weird dog again!

once again, the battle of my dog and the (another) mynah carries on! yesterday, i came home from breakfast and found loose mynah feathers ll over my living room... but luckily this time round, there was no mynah carcass for me to clear! whew!

trying to make sense of me within my society

In a country that has a tumultous history where she was literally thrown out of Malaysia, Singapore has over the last 40 years devoted a large effort to building a national identity. Forging this identity is not easy considering the diverse ethnic and religious background of the people.

As such, the government has attempted to built a society that is based on a set of common values (common to all races and religion), these values (will not attempt to list them out) centered on the building of consensus as opposed to confrontation, family as a core unit of the society, family above self, country above family, etc...

If you noticed, then, that the self-element is very much discussed within a broader context of the family unit and in turn within the broader context of the society. These values that are neither based on race, religion, etc however, point to a more basic premise – that family is the core unit. Implied in this, also is that the family is a male-female-offspring family unit... (GLBTs are therefore not in the equation)... (regrettably).

Policies in most aspects of the society are therefore worked out along these set of lines. Eg, tax incentives for married couples, children-tax rebates, housing rebates incentives, etc are worked out in favour of married couples (male-female).

On the same token, you can also see policies that penalises people from marrying late, not marrying (including all the GLBTs), eg if you are not married, you are not allowed to purchase public housing until you are 35 or older and even then you are not allowed to purchase public housing in prime areas.... these are some of the details that perhaps GLBTs felt unfairly treated... not directly, but indirectly as a consequence of policies that favour marriage.

For the greater good? on one hand yes, but on the other, difficult and many a times frustrating...

facts of life...

some of my frustrations... me and my society

to know sgp and to understand my frustrations, perhaps it is good to understand that the island comprises 4 million second/ third generation immigrants... largely from asia, primarily china and india.

about close to 80% of the population today are chinese/indians, 15% are malays and the remaining a mixed of numerous other minor races.

amongst these mixed of asians, we have a hotchpotch of cultures coming together and together with religious and political sensitivity, (malays are largely muslim, chinese are largely christian and buddhist and taoist whereas the indians are largely hindus), the population is very much so conservative.

the government has all these years since independence, tried to promote inter-religious and inter-culture harmony. as such, what is commonly regarded or taken advantaged of in many countries, in sgp, it is very much promoted and much efforts are put in to ensure social harmony is maintained.

one of the values that have been promoted that is common to all races and religion is that of filial piety and family-centric values. these of course is well and good at the societal level, but it affects glbts. family-centric policies such as housing benefits for married couples, tax rebates for bearing children, etc indirectly also means the glbts are left out...

having promoted family-centric policies invariably also led to the general population being insensitive or for that matter, not well aware of glbts. as such, our lifestyles (a minority) where sex seemed to be the order of the day, so not go well with the community and as such, glbt lifestyle is often frowned upon. coupled with the fact that the society is steep in asian values, glbts and their lifestyle is something that is seen as foreign/ western imports. for example, asian family puts a high emphasis on the males passing down the family names and the sons as the bearer of the family name, pride and honour, having a gay son is therefore considered sacrilegious as many cannot accept the fact that they will not have offsprings and hence the threat of an end to a lineage...

for the younger str8 generation, despite having been exposed to western values, culture, etc, (and hence, glbt movements and sub-culture), it is often a case of `oh, i am ok with glbts... but hopefully it is not my brother, or sister, etc...'

frustrating? well, just facts of daily lives in this crossroads of east and west...

sighs...

thinking aloud…