me as a coach

i realized i have this tendency - to coach people who have resigned and help them in their career transition process.

haha... and it is ironic cos i am a hr-person and is probably the last person people would expect to coach another person who has resigned. but that was what i did. again, and again, and again. funnily, when my staff resigned, instead of convincing her to stay, i helped her map out her developmental journey for the years ahead and helped her clarify her thoughts about what she would like to achieve in her next job. she was appreciative and surprised. we are still in contact and she still asks me for advices as and when she comes faced with issues at work.

and this week, when i heard another staff has also resigned without a job, i called her out and spoke with her. this staff had been with the company for the last 8 years and had suddenly tendered without a job. i immediately sensed something not right. although she had mentioned to people around her that her resignation was due to the job, i had suspected it was due to people around her. to me, people leave jobs because of people reasons and not because of tasks or renumeration reasons. and i was right. we didn't go into details, but she admitted the job was heavy but not to the point of forcing her to leave. anyway, i did not probe further since she was so sure she wanted to leave. and that was when i guided her in her next steps. so... yeah, i had a good hour-plus conversation with this staff. i thought it was a good conversation and importantly, she was able to take back some things to think about. 

i realised this one thing - many people do not have a career goal. and without this goal, many ended up going for jobs that do not contribute to their longer term goals. and once they start looking for jobs, most people do not know how to start, how to write a resume, how to pitch themselves, how to negotiate, how to... there are just so many things about looking for and landing in a job. yet, this is not something one do usually. 

and funnily, it is easier to coach people but i myself also find it very difficult to do it when it comes to myself, especially when at times, the push factor is so strong, it becomes unbearable, yet the jobs available out there do not match my longer term needs... and this is where the heart, the mind and the opportunities present do not align.

hmmm.

disappointed maid

my maid was rather disappointed, or i should say upset, when she found out i had sold off my iphone 5s for $350. her current phone is old and is in need of a replacement. she has been looking around for an iphone. and this morning, she had asked me how much i wanted to sell mine. i had told her i wasn't sure. frankly, it didn't occur to me she wanted to buy. and she, on her part, had assumed i would sell it for $600-700, far beyond what she could afford. anyway, i think i will give her my iphone 4. about 2 years old but still in perfect working condition as far as i can see it. let's see if she wants it.

:-)

sold off my iphone 5s

i purchased an iphone 6plus last week. had decided to get it since my contract with singtel (my telco subscriber) was up and that i could renew my contract. and if i were to do it, i could enjoy a good discount for a new handset. added to that, the subscriber had also given me a $120 voucher for handset purchase. 

and today, i sold off my iphone 5s to a second hand mobile shop for $350. and i had a most interesting evening selling off my phone. found out from my staff that second hand mobile shops would buy used-5s for about $400 and i thought it was too good a deal to miss. so after dinner, i headed off straight to a shop. the girl managing the shop took a look at my phone and told me she'd accept it for $300. i was kinda disappointed as i had expected closer to $400. nope, she said, i could only offer you $300 max. usually i would give $380, but since your phone has dents on the frame, i would need to change it and thus, i could only give you $300.

i thought about it and accepted the offer. i didn't want to negotiate further and thought that getting back $300 was not too bad a deal too, since i had not even thought of selling it in the first place. with the agreement, the girl took my phone, did some test and then came back to me and rejected the offer made. uncle, your phone screen is showing signs of damage, i am afraid i will have to reject the offer. i will not be able to proceed with this purchase. darned! rejecting the offer was bad enough, and then she had to call me uncle some more! doh!

well, feeling a little disappointed, i walked away. i decided to give a try at another shop that was located at the next block. and guess what... the shop owner took a look, and offered $350. no further questions asked. he said he would offer $400 if not for the dents on the frame... i didn't negotiate further, i just took the $350 and went off!

:-)

ps: the $350 was in fact higher than my original purchase price. i think i got it for about $200-plus or max about $300 cos i purchased it at a discounted price as i had, at that time, renewed my phone contract too!

mum's ang pow-adventures

mum has had so many issues with ang pows this year.

previous years, i would prepare ang pows for her. in demoninations of $4 or $8. took me a long time and a whole lot of effort to convince her for this amount as she had wanted to only give $2. it would be so below market value! haha... and i had to pack them in different types of ang pows so as to aid her in giving the right ones to the "right" people.

this year was even more interesting. as in previous years, she wanted to give only $2. after a lot of coaxing, she agreed on $4 and she flatly refused anything more than $4. might as well, i thought. one flat rate for all would save me the need to prepare different ang pows for her and better still, save me the need to educate her on what is what. but to me, a $4 ang pow is too far below market rates, especially if it is for relatives, close friends and people whom we owe our thanks to. added to that, she insisted only need two ang pows - for my brother's kids. despite her protest, i packed 24 ang pows for her. i convinced her that holding an extra few would be handy if the need arises. so, after much convincing, we were all set for the new year. this was what happened this year...

first, it was my second sis. my sis has always pre-packed $20 ang pows and asked me to pass it to mum so that her children can get more pocket monies. but this year, my mum, in her enthusiasm to give away ang pows, gave my nieces the $4 packs before my sis could pass me her $20 packs. so, in my attempt to savage the situation, i quickly ask mum to give them 2 ang pows each, to which she did, cheerfully and very very happily. well, $8 would be at least a more decent amount compared to $4. first battle done. after that, mum continued to happily give away ang pows freely during the first 4 days of the new year.

of cos, to prevent her from mixing up those ang pows she received with the ones she should be giving away, i would take those she received from her and safekeep it for her in my safe. but i forgot to do so for one... and that led to more interesting stories. yesterday, the first day of her returning to the rehab center. learning from past years' experiences, i had packed more ang pows for her cos she would end up giving away ang pows freely at the rehab center too, despite insisting that she would only give it to the center manager. yesterday, she ended up giving the driver a $50-ang pow that she received from a close neighbour that visited us over the weekend (and that i forgot to take from her) and gave a $4 ang pow to the center manager. to make matters worst, the driver went around telling people that my mum had given him $50. hahaha... and since she had been giving away ang pows freely, she had only 2 other $4-ang pows left to which she gave to the rehab center staff. this, by itself created an issue cos there were so many staff! and i understood from the maid that those who had been closely involved with taking care of her did not get any ang pows! so last night, i quickly packed another 10 $4-ang pows for her. gave it to her this morning and she chided me for doing so. too many. no need, she said.

it was barely an hour after she arrived at the rehab center and i got a call from her. i just finish giving out the ang pows, she said.

lol!

he's awake

i got news from my cousin last night about my ailing uncle.

he has come round and has been removed from the respiratory machine. he is, however, still hooked up on the dialysis machine but i understood that the support needed has been lessened. as of yesterday, he was able to talk. however, i had been told he was depressed and has expressed his desire to die. i can totally appreciate his depression. i would be the same if i were him. he has just lost his large intestines and, i believe, would be highly reliant on people around him to look after him. in short, he is still grieving over his loss and will need time to come to terms with it. for now, i think the most important thing for us to do is to be there to listen to him and to support him.

but hey, the fact that he is now conscious is a great step ahead for him, considering he was just in critical condition on the eve of the new year, after having undergone the op to remove his large intestines.

so yeah, i was happy to get this update.

best news so far in recent days.

:-)

thumb exercise - size queen

i finally got my iphone 5s changed to an iphone 6plus. and first thing francis said to me was - you are such a size queen! heh... and woohhh yes! it is so big! and i have not gotten used to stretching my thumb all the way across the screen to type my words! so... yeah, always needs time to get used to big things! 

lol!

what the fish!

the words above (if indeed is by a. einstein) resonates with me.

i reflected and noted i had been made to think like the fish mentioned here many a times in the past. but well, that doesn't matter now.  what's important is that i now recognise my current boss is doing the same thing to me. so yeah... 

time to move on.

:-)

car breakdown

my car broke down this morning. and it couldn't have happened at a better time!

it happened when i brought mum to the market for breakfast. might as well, i thought. i would be heading off to larry's place for my annual get together this evening and had agreed with mum that we would not visit my brother's place today. i was also exhausted 3 days of travelling and i could do with a good days' rest before heading out again this evening. added to that, i could also sense mum's tiredness from her lower energy levels today.

so, yeah, the car breakdown gives me the chance to recuperate. and it also provided a great distraction to mum from the daily routines.

heh...

girlfriend?

my domestic helper asked me an ultimate question today.

i was at my brother's place chopping the duck while she was washing the dishes. and she turned around and asked me "sir, this is chinese new year, how come you never go to your girlfriend's house?" i looked at her and simply said "what? since when i have a girlfriend?" she looked surprised as she replied, almost apologetically: "oh, sorry sorry... i thought sir have a girlfriend..." and her sentence tampered off. i added "if i have a girlfriend, when she looks at ah ma (my mum), she will run away."

the domestic helper just laughed and continued with her washing.

i think she knew she has crossed the boundaries.

exhausted

haha... this lunar new year is wearing me thin. been heading to my brother's place daily since lny eve. it's been three days in a roll and i am feeling the strain. almost a 35km journey to his place and another 35km back daily. cannot imagine going there again tomorrow and sunday again. 

haiz...

balancing act cny

annual chinese new years have always been great balancing acts for me since the passing of my dad in 2008. and it was even more so this year. had to do all these to manage my mum's mental health and family relationships in view of the different "factions" within the family and beyond. for this year...

managed to pay a visit to my critically ill uncle after lying to my mum that i would only be let off at 3pm on cny eve (for the record, i was let off at 12pm). i want to be able to see him before he leaves and to manage my relatives, i had to explain to them my considerations and challenges. my aunt seemed understanding (although i know she could possibly be a different person behind my back), but that is not for me to bother. as for my uncle, he remained in coma and had been placed on life support. i walked out of his icu room after about 2 minutes and once i emerged, the doctor, who was preparing to enter the room, asked me - erm, how come you did not wear a mask? hmmm... lol. accordingly, they suspected my uncle has tuberculosis and had been placed in an isolated room and that all persons entering the room was supposed to wear a n95 mask. let's hope i don't carry out any nasty stuff from that visit.

was able to head off to pay respects to my late-dad on cny eve after visiting my uncle. needed to do this for my mum and for my brother. my brother remained convinced that i did not take good care of my dad and contributed to his death and he also continued to be angry with my relatives (for all sorts of reasons). but like the above, that would be for him to manage. back to cny eve, i was rather tired by the afternoon frankly. but well, i managed to drive my way from the east to my brother's place, and then to the west-end of the island before heading back again to my brother's place for the reunion dinner. was dead beat by the time i reached home about 1030pm. i didn't bother to stay up late and headed to bed before midnight (traditionally, people believe that on cny eve, children should stay up as late as possible so that the parents will enjoy long life. i used to do that previously, but i was too tired this time round and... hey, my mum's 83yrs old! what more can i ask for right? lol!

managed to call my aunt to wish her well for the new year this morning. tried doing that yesterday but she wasn't home. and got through today while i locked myself in my room's toilet with the door closed. didn't want to make my mum suspect anything cos she (as influenced by my bro) has avoided interacting with any of my relatives. needed to do this basic respectful act as a member of the younger generation. it's the right thing to do.

have arranged for my second sis and my cousin to come early afternoon today. had earlier pondered how i could orchestrate their visits in view of the visits to my brother's place. so after some adjustments, my sis agreed to come on the second day instead of cny day one. made life so much more manageable.

so far so good. i have the weekend to go. hope to be able to find some me-time over the weekend. i would probably lie to my mum about visiting some bosses or something. excuses of visits to bosses has worked so far as she was of the impression that if i don't do so, i could face the possibility of offending my boss and getting the sack.

lol!

babi ponteh

finally cooked the babi ponteh today - pork (and chicken) stewed in fermented beans. this is a peranakan dish and i had been eating it since i was a kid, something that my mum would cook during the chinese new year. there are many variants to this dish and some may include potatoes, bamboo shoots, etc. and mostly, it involved only pork as the main meat in the dish. for my family, we do not add potatoes nor bamboo. but we include chicken in addition to the pork. i had experimented with the recipe some time back and have modified the recipe to suit my liking. after cooking it, my mum commented that it reminded her of her mum's (my mama) cooking. that's so flattering! here's my recipe.

ingredients

1kg pork (twee bak) - make sure you have a nice layer of fat and skin as it provides the texture, cut into large pieces

1 medium-sized chicken cut into large pieces, you can replaced it with chicken parts like wings or drumsticks if need be

10 dried shiitake mushrooms - soaked and cut into halves

15-20 shallots & 10 garlic - blended into a smooth paste

3-4 tablespoon of fermented bean paste (tau cheo)

3-4 tablespoons of gula melaka (you can also use white castor sugar or brown sugar, but gula melaka would be more fragrant)

20ml of vegetable oil

4-6 tablespoon of dark soya sauce

10ml of sesame oil (optional)
1 stick of cinnamon (optional - i don't add this)

2-3litre of water (estimated volume)

garnish

coriander leaves (wan swee)

method

place the cut pork cubes and marinate with 1-2 tablespoon of dark sauce and a sprinkle of sugar. heat oil (mix both oil if you choose to also include sesame oil) in wok, pour in blended shallots and garlic. stir fry over slow fire till it turns translucent (should be about 2-3min) and you can smell the fragrance. add the tau cheo paste and continue to fry for another minute or so (you can smell the fragrance). add the pork and continue to stir fry for another 2-3minutes until it is totally covered with the shallot/garlic/tau cheo paste. add the water (or the stock) until the pork is totally submerge in it. add the mushroom, add salt, sugar (to taste) and the remaining dark soya sauce and bring it to boil. lower the heat and simmer for about 2hrs. add chicken parts and simmer for another hour. add garnish, serve hot with white rice (cook extra rice cos nobody eats babi ponteh with just a normal serving of rice!)

other tips

to make it easier for you to cut the pork, you can boil it in water first. you can then filter the water and use the stock later instead of water. same goes for the mushroom. you can soak the mushroom and then use the stock to cook. when you first add the stock, leave some behind and you can top it up when you add the chicken. the dish is best eaten on the second day after cooking cos the extra time would have allowed all the seasoning, and the sweetness of the meat to emerge and mix!

enjoy!

happy chinese (lunar) new year

i simply love this video. very symbolic and very meaningful. really brought out the full meaning of why we celebrate chinese new year, folklore aside. it also reminded me how i, when i was dealing with corporate relations years ago, never hesitated to recommend chopsticks as corporate gifts. a pair of chopsticks, properly mounted, makes a very decent and meaningful gift. it symbolises the inseparable nature of the two entities (persons, units, companies, etc) in the relationship. after all, one cannot use only one chopstick if one wants to eat properly. one needs both to work in unison. such is the depth of the meaning of the humble chopsticks.

watching the video made me tear a bit, especially the bits where the lady told her lonely neighbour - it's only a pair of chopstick. this was what my mum used to say to my uncle when he visited many years back. and it also made me reflect on what it means to be chinese, sons of dragons - a race that had survived over 4000 years of history and is now found the globe over, yet bounded together culturally. wishing everyone,

"happy chinese (lunar) new year!"

:-)

ps: i try as much as possible to avoid using the word "chinese" and instead use "lunar" cos it is a festival that is celebrated by all the different races in sgp. but in this post, i have used it as the setting of the video is chinese in nature. 

curse him...

my uncle completed his op early this morning and was placed in the icu after the procedure. he had had his large intestines removed and was still in critical condition the last time i heard. i also understood that his condition was not good and could go anytime. so i thought the right thing for me to do was to inform my siblings about his condition. and i texted my siblings one-by-one, starting with my second sis, then my brother and finally my brother-in-law. here's what i get from them...

• second sis was concerned and wanted to visit. but she would do so together with me.

• my brother send me a chain of smses, one after another. and his responses ranged from cursing my uncle, to warning me about visiting him or to contribute any monies should he die, to a whole lot of very negative comments. and he ended with "you must believe me...". really, i have no desire nor energies to share my thoughts, much less correct him. he is a bitter person and yes, as i type, i was reminded of my boss's communication style - aggressive,, and know it was founded on a very disturbed past that he couldn't reconcile with.

• i texted the details to my brother-in-law instead of my eldest sis as she didn't want to talk to me. and i told him to advise my eldest sis not to mention any of it to my brother so as avoid any anger on his part. my brother-in-law's response was even more straight forward, he simply said, ok, in short, i will not tell her (my eldest sis), thanks for the info nonetheless. guys are so much easier to deal with.

three different siblings (technically incorrect cos one was my brother-in-law), three different responses. but i had done my part. how they want to follow-up is their business. 

:-)

benign

went for the medical appointment this afternoon and yes, it was confirmed that the growth in my throat was benign. no further follow-ups were needed. i was also given a 2-year open date. this, i supposed, was the good positive news worth celebrating amidst all the negative energies i experienced today.

:-)

toxic boss

after that berating by my boss (that i can call "toxic"), i felt really shitty. people in office were looking at me sympathetically and shaking their heads and a few others texted me and telling me to just ignore him. but really, it was one thing to get shit and another thing to continue my work and walk around with a smiling face like as though nothing had happened. but i could hold my head up high. my conscience was clear and i thought i controlled myself reasonably ok and not let my emotions take over. 

after some time, i googled the net for such communications styles and came to realise that his style is typical of that called "aggressive". and reading that people with such styles generally tend to have their own bad histories/ experiences and that could be the cause of their deep-seated insecurities, etc, made me feel somewhat sorry for him. and from a very warp perspective, i told myself that the next he gave me such responses, i could look at him and pity him mentally, what a sad person you are... poor man, come sayang sayang... lol. 

but really, i also noted from reading the net that my response to aggressive communicators tend to be mostly passive, at times assertive and at times aggressive too especially when i let my emotions rule me. from that perspective, there is a lot of scope for me to take this as a learning experience and i need to read up and internalise more about how to be more assertive and preserve my space/ and my self-respect.

:-)

stupid, liar, claiming credits

today my boss send me an email asking for some training-related stuff. so, instead of trying to write long emails, i walked into his office to share the details he asked for.

he did not agree with some of the things i said, that i explained was shaped as a result of the business climate back then, and started criticizing the system. sensing the conversation heading in a wrong direction, i simply told him it would be a good opportunity to review the policies. but rather than giving constructive comments, he began saying things that were not really contributing to the issues he pointed out/ criticised about. the conversation ended up with him shouting at me, calling the system (that i created, and hence i?) stupid, and branding me a liar that consistently brag about how i had set up the training system and claiming all the credits falsely.

it was frustrating trying to explain things and background when he started off not wanting to listen and kept his verbal attacks at me. very personal and very uncalled for.

and all these with his office door open.

stressful period

work issues. mum issues. chinese new year. tomorrow will be getting my biopsy results for my gastroscopy.

and then i got a call from my cousin this evening. my third uncle (my late dad's younger brother) is in critical condition and may not pull through tonight. the doctors will be operating on his anytime now in an attempt to save him. hmmm, it just struck me that in my flustered condition, i forgot to clarify what the op was about. i knew he had some issues with his intestines and he had gone in and out of hospital to get it treated over the last 2 months. and last week he was warded again and since then, he had gone in and out of consciousness. his condition had worsen and doctors had asked the family to be mentally prepared if he fails to pull through tonight.

gonna be challenging managing all these at the same time.

if my uncle leaves us, his wake and funeral would hit right into the chinese new year. and this poses great challenges to me on many fronts. firstly, relationship. my brother is not on good terms with all my relatives and he would be very unhappy if i were to attend anything related to them. so, i would probably do so without telling them. but it would be hard to do so cos of cny. secondly, my mum. she's not mentally sound now given her stress over the coming cny. to tell her of this would be superbly stressful and she'll probably go bonkers big time. but if i don't tell her, it would be terribly difficult to excuse myself to attend the wake or the funeral, or even if my uncle survives, to visit him at the hospital. thirdly, religious reasons. the 8th day of the new lunar year is the celestial god's birthday and my family commemorate this day by offering prayers on that day. this is a very huge event and given the auspicious and religious nature of this event (referred to as "red-event"), it would be taboo for anyone commemorating this event to be involved or to attend any "white-event" (funerals, wakes, or any event that is inauspicious in nature etc).

hmmm... kinda trapped from all angles. my cousin will keep me posted if there's any updates. for me now, i think i'll sleep over it. let's address the issues one by one when it happens.

"crazy" mum

mum has gone all haywire again.

and i strongly believe it is due to the coming cny. i came home feeling all so frustrated with my boss but once i reached home, i was faced with a paranoid mum. first indicator was when she asked me why i had to go to the kitchen when i came home from work. i had walked to the kitchen to throw away some rubbish. she didn't totally buy my reason and gave me that suspicious look. i took cue and spend the evening sitting beside her instead of changing up. 

half hour later (at 6.30pm, which was our usual time to head out for dinner), i told her i would wash up and change first and that we would head out for dinner once i was done. she said ok. and usually when i do that, the maid would close all windows, the balcony glass door, and prepare mum's wheelchair for her. but today, when i walked out of my bedroom after washing up, i found mum telling off the maid for closing the balcony door and trying hard to open it again. i believed she wanted to open it and to make prayers. she always does this when she gets paranoid.

the maid was kinda pissed off but kept quiet and simply walked one side as she let me manage mum. i opened the door according to her wishes and asked her to sit on the sofa. and i asked if we could go for dinner, to which she said she was not hungry and just wanted to stay at home. i told her i was hungry and that we had earlier agreed to go for dinner. she stared at me and said she was not hungry and if i was hungry, i should just eat some biscuits. hmmm... kinda challenging at that point in time. but of cos, after some to-and-fro reasoning (with someone who cannot be reasoned), she agreed to head out. she kept quiet through the evening.

it was pretty obvious she was anxious. and her anxiety had triggered off lots of other reactions. this is very frustrating and has time and again, happened whenever there is a major festival coming. i can't wait for cny to pass quickly.

i made sure i gave her some sleeping pills before she retires.

unreasonable boss

he approved a training for my staff last month despite his reservations. at that time he said if we send the staff for a course so quickly after she joined us, she'll probably run away once she finished the course. this despite me briefing on all the reasons why the position needs to be trained. but he eventually approved it after i told him we can reconsider downstream.

today, and after all the registration etc, he again voiced his reservations about sending her for the course. his rationale has changed. she is not conducting training and thus should not attend the course, he wrote in his email. of course i responded with an explanation on the rationale all over again but once again, indicated that i would be most willing to withdraw her from the course if necessary.

in return, he replied me with a mail full rebuttals, point by point, all in red fonts. i was taken aback by this very hostile email. and i was very uneasy with the fact that his rebuttals were all either part of my explanations to him (which he obviously didn't read) or with lots of very inconsistent reasons. but he ended the email with "i will let her go this time round, but...". i didn't bother to respond further. i simply thank him for his inputs.

feeling very frustrated with such bosses who continues to be inconsistent. or perhaps consistent in his disagreement to let the staff go for courses amidst all the inconsistent reasons. hard to work with such people...

dressing up for cny

temporary look for the new year. 

chinese enough?

:-)

moodless cny

i say this every year and i am repeating it again this year. that i do not feel the mood of cny. perhaps it is because i am getting old, and i tend to avoid crowded places these years. but really, increasingly, i do not feel the festive moods these days. 

:-)

cny anxieties

i think mum is getting anxious about chinese new year (cny) again.

she had been behaving weird these days. added to that, i get quite pissed off with her insistence that i go to my brother's place to look after the kids while he and his wife do the shopping and preparations for cny. it did not matter that i had not done my own preparations, buy groceries, wash the car, clean the house, etc. when i told her that, she simply said you are not married, what kinda preparations do you need to do? yet on the other hand, she wanted me to prepare the ang pows for her, buy new clothes, etc. i was rather pissed off by yesterday that i told her to stop showing favouritism and instead recognise i myself need the space to do my own preparations. her mood changed on the spot she stopped talking to me. and this morning, she started throwing tantrums again.

anyway, by lunch time today, she regained some of her sanity and out of nowhere, as me if i had completed my cny grocery shopping to which i replied no. i think that kinda hit her for she suddenly asked to go home (although i suspect it was also becos she was bored being at my brother's place). 

:-)

$198

my sinseh wrote me a prescription when i went to see him last thursday. he said it was for mum, and that the prescription was to boost her overall well-being and energy. but he advised that i should purchase it from people i am familiar with as the herbs in the prescriptions are very expensive.

so that was what i did this morning. i brought mum to the chinese medical shop and showed the shop attendant the prescription. he took a look and immediately told me that it would cost me a lot. after some discussion and negotiation, we agreed on the price - $198.

yup, that was the price i paid for some ginseng (人参), cordyceps (冬虫草), and wolfberries (枸杞子). i was supposed to double-boil the content with a bowl of water and administer it to mum. and to ensure i get the most out of the herbs, i was supposed to use it repeatedly until it turns bland.

:-)

weird dream...

scenario: a military exercise involving troops moving stealthily into position below some hills. it was just before the h-hour, the time of the commencement of an assault. i was walking some distance away with an ex-military colleague (or so i thought, but he was someone more senior than me) and sharing my views about the hills where i had trained in decades ago. i shared about the reasons why i prefer one hill over the other.

the scene somehow morphed. the soldiers faraway were still moving. but their attire had turned to that of toy soldiers. my colleague walked with me and suggested walking to the hills i had spoken of. we walked along and somehow i found myself walking in a stream. there were lots of fishes swimming in front of us as we walked. and soon, we came to a well before the stream branches out. the fishes were caught in the well and couldn't swim further. i looked into the well and it looked like a bottomless pit. in it, i saw a soursop. a grey coloured soursop. now, the soursop is something my mum likes and wanted to buy lately. i found myself telling my mum (in my dream) that the soursop seemed spoilt and cannot be eaten. my mum responded with an ok.

my ex-colleague and i continued our walk along the forested trail. and we came to a fork. the left path looked narrow and long but it led to my "favourite" hill, whereas the other led to somewhere else. my ex-colleague took the path i suggested and i followed suit. 

at this point, the path changed. it became one that looked like 2-3 cement slabs stacked against one another and standing precariously on their sides. and as my colleague walked on them, the slabs would start to break apart. i hurriedly followed behind so that i won't be left behind. after some steps, my ex-colleague fell off and i found myself walking alone. it felt like my ex-colleague was following me behind. it was not an easy walk as i had to balance myself as i walked and as the slabs fell off, threatening to make me fall off too. but i didn't. 

soon enough, i came faced with a wall of metal scaffolding. the type that one see at construction sites... for some reasons, we had to climb the metal scaffolding to get to the top (of the hill, which by that time, the concept of hill did not exist anymore, it was just the whole idea of climbing to the top). and we started climbing. i climbed the scaffolds easily. i didn't see my ex-colleague anymore but felt that he was behind me. seeing how easy it was for me to climb, he commented that for buddhists, we tend to know how to manoeuvre ourselves amongst the scaffolds easily and thus was able climb faster. but i noted how the scaffolds got more and more unstable as i climbed. but i continued.

i came to the last scaffold very quickly and swung myself (like a chinese pugilist), onto the wooden board right on top. now, this board was very narrow and i had to prone onto it as i crawled forward. after a while, i reached the edge of the board. it was then that i realised how high up i had climbed. the troops in toy soldier uniform were still moving into position. they looked like little ants from the height i was at. i was at the edge, i couldn't go further. the only direction available to me was down. and even then, if i were to head down, it would be a certain death for me. but there was no more scaffolds for me. i had to decide what to do...

while my physical self was on the board up in the skies, i found my "other" self at the base. the scene had morphed into that of a check-out counter of a shop. i was talking to the cashier and she told me that if i could jump off the board, and walk out of this check-out counter, she would award me with a bonus prize of $300 (yes, it was $300). but given the "rules" of the game, the award would be equally shared - i.e. $1500/ $1500 (for some reasons, the award had increased tenfold to $3000). at that moment, my physical self persona up on the board and the checking out self person at the base seemed to come together and i was caught pondering if i should jump...

it was then that i woke up.

i think i know what this dream is about, but it was really weird and it shook me out of my sleep...

mum almost died

i was in bee's car heading to town when i took a look at my phone. there were 3 missed calls from mum's number on my iphone. and one missed call from mum's number on my hi-card phone (the one that i got just to call her). i sensed something wrong and i called back.

the maid answered immediately and she was frantically trying to tell me something. i had to calm her down before she could make any sense to me. in the quick few seconds, i learnt that mum had rushed to the toilet, walked out, took a rest by the chair at the corridor, and made her way back to the sofa. and once she sat down at the sofa, she started to lose her consciousness. her body had stiffened, her lips, fingers and toes had turned blue, and her eye balls turned such that only her eye-white could be seen. seeing her in this state, the maid panicked. she quickly put mum onto the oxygen concentrator machine but mum remained unresponsive. she kept calling out to mum but mum didn't respond and that was when she called me. 

i checked my missed call register - 2-3 minutes passed before i called back. and by the time i called back, mum was still unconscious. the maid was in a state of panic and kept asking me to go home. there was no time, my first reflex told me. quickly, i instructed the maid to increase the oxygen machine to 5litres - the maximum level of the oxygen concentrator. from the maid's description, it was clear mum's body had suffered a lack of oxygen. i had to act fast. brain-damage could easily happen if oxygen-deprivation occurs for more that 2-3 minutes and i was worried i might have called back too late. i needed data and i asked her to head to my room to get the oximeter to measure mum's spo2-level. i told her that i would call back a while later. in the meantime, i asked bee to make a turn back and to drive home. about a minute later, i called back again. 

the maid told me mum's spo2-level had climbed up to 99%. i asked her to wait. i was worried if mum had suffered any serious implications from the oxygen deprivation. moments later, mum began to stir.  she was able to say some words despite the words being slurred and incomprehensible. her blackened lips had lightened to a purplish tint. things sounded a little more positive but i still need more affirmative signs. i spoke with the maid. she was still in a flustered state. calm down, check ah ma's lips. what's the colour? i asked (i myself feeling rather panicky admittedly). soon enough, her lips slowly turned pink again. that was a huge relieve to me. 

hearing that, i decided to proceed for my course. but this was only after giving strict instructions to the maid to monitor mum and to make sure she was not given any chance to move about herself. all movements had to be supervised and that she should be moved about in her wheelchair. check her overall well-being. if she feels tired, let her rest at home and not go to the rehab centre, i told the maid. during the next couple of minutes, i called back a few times to check on mum. her condition improved very quickly and she could hold a quick conversation with me within 15-minutes, despite twice vomiting out some of her breakfast.

i contacted the rehab centre to help me observe her and to avoid giving her any strenuous activities today. i felt a lot safer for her to be there as there were professional health care persons around to help out if there should be any attacks/ blanking off. she was lucid and ok by lunch time.

i brought her to see the doctor this evening to ensure she is ok. the doctor said the maid and i did right. things would have been very different if she had not been placed on oxygen machine early enough. and luckily she had started her on a course of prednisolone just about half hour before she blanked off.

such a narrow escape...

on course

i went for a course again today. and this is the final of the series of four that i needed to take to qualify for a professional certificate.

:-)

toys again

well, i bought an additional item to add to my collection today. and of cos, i could do so as i was on course again today.

heh...

:-)

roast pork bento set

yesterday, i went to a local supermarket to get some groceries and since it was lunch time, i decided to get a quick takeaway lunch box. i saw this "roast pork bento set" decided to get it (since i enjoy roast pork). quite an interesting name since roast pork was so chinese and someone had quite innovatively marketed it as a bento set (and that, was very japanese).

an auntie came forward and served me and naturally, i ordered a "roast pork bento set" in english as that was what the plate stated. but auntie gave me a blank look on her and next thing i knew, auntie called out to her colleague - 我不知道他要什么 (i do not know what he wants in mandarin). the colleague came forward and i repeated my order. 

next thing i knew, the colleague shouted out to the kitchen staff and said - seo bak png jik pao (roast pork rice - in hokkien).

lol!

lunch with my ex-boss

my lady ex-boss asked me out for a lunch this afternoon. she wanted to return the s$20 she owed me as i had paid for 2 bouquets of flowers for 2 staff who left the company sometime back. it was not good to owe a person money over the chinese new year, she said. and it was a really good lunch. there was a lot of sharing and she shared her views about me and counselled me about my career moving ahead. very interesting conversation as she shared her views about me, and my strengths and weaknesses. very energising. 

she asked me about my thoughts with regards my next career move and i shared about my desire to want to remain in my specialist role. instead, she suggested that i consider broadening my choices to cover a more generalist role. she expressed her confidence that i would be able to do it. and she made this interesting remark that i had all these while been under-rating my strengths and choosing to allow others to shine while i take on a (leadership) supporting role silently behind the scene.

i had always been surprised by how sharp she had been in observing me and people in general. 

:-)

10 cents

took half a day's leave to collect mum's medication from the hospital... needed to call in to get an emergency weeks'  supply of prednisolone to manage her wheezing. and after all the government subsidies, the medication costed me 10 cents. yes, 10 singapore-cents.

i felt bad to have to give a s$2 note to the cashier as i didn't have a 10-cent coin!

:-)

good night sleep

i have hardly ever had a good nights' sleep since my dad, and later my mum, moved in to live with me. it had been almost 8-9 years ago. i am a very light sleeper and would stir whenever there is any slight movement or noise coming from outside my room. but i have gotten used to it. lately, my sleep was further interrupted by my mum's non-stop coughing through the night. it irked me big time and it got so bad 2 nights ago that i almost didn't sleep at all...

last night, i decided to use cotton wool to plug my ears. added to that, i took 2 tablets of puriton as my nose was terribly runny and blocked. and guess what... 

i overslept this morning.

lol!

toys

bought some toys recently...

;-P

reflecting 2015 thus far...

over the past 2 weeks, i had some rather interesting inputs from people around me. firstly, at work, i had 2 colleagues who gave me almost the same feedback over different days. for one of them, she came up to me without any warning and asked me if i was ok. she said i seemed so withdrawn and quiet, so unlike my usual self, so abnormal that she got concerned. and mind you, this is a person who seldom interact with me... well, i simply thanked her and told her i was ok. and then there was another friend. someone who had been texting me on and off and checking on me. he commented that i seemed happier these days, and that was good. two conflicting feedback. but seriously, have i been ok?

reflecting, i must say this - i am ok.

with bee, things are kinda stabilised again. admittedly, i am still traumatised by his bkk trips and am not able to forget the pains. it continues to haunt me rather frequently and i am not sure whether this contributed to my frequent sleepless nights and uncomfortable dreams. and sometimes,when i see my mum's paranoid behavior, suspicions of people around her and often illogical thoughts, i am reminded of myself. will i ever become like mum when i grow old? i donno, but i can certainly imagine myself being so. but well, that's the future and i am sure if i have positive thoughts now, i will be ok.

with regards work, there is this constant conflict - how far should i bend backwards when it comes to my boss's behaviour? on the surface, he seemed an ok person, whatever he said is logical and very correct and there is nothing much to fault him. but it is the way he says things. he can be very curt, confrontational and, at times, unreasonable. and he always jumps to very unfair conclusions about people. makes me and many people around me uneasy. for now, i am keeping my distance and simply being cordial. i have also increased my checks in the job portals. i am also reminded that in a small company, development and progression is non-existent. as for my colleagues, one of them had started going for interviews. let's see how things pan out.

with regards my mum, she is as good as she can possibly be - very stable mentally. otherwise as per this time of the year, her wheezing has started and she is starting to show signs of water retention. and if this is not managed well, she'll probably deteriorate into something nasty (such as pneunomia). i certainly do not wish to see history repeat itself again where she gets hospitalised on the first day of chinese new year.

as for sapphie, her tick problem seemed unstoppable. i continue to manually pick ticks off her body daily. and it had become quite a routine for me to do so. 

and lastly, for my health, things seemed to be turning for the better. my plantar fasciitis has recovered. my sprained ankle has almost healed following 2 weeks of acupuncture. the chinese sinseh continues to call me and check on my health. and next week, he said he will look into my cough, cold and insomnia issues. i guess i am in good hands.

:-)

not blogging

i organised a workshop for my company recently to train some selected persons to be counsellors. and naturally, i sat through almost the whole workshop. one of the topic covered is about people who are depressed, who are suicidal... and the trainer cover symptoms such as being not interested in doing things that one usually does, being withdrawn, being unsociable... etc. and i thought. oooh, she's talking about me! heh, for a start, i haven't been blogging much. right? and i have been feeling very much under the weather, feeling stressed over my boss, etc. 

but otherwise, i really think i am ok. 

:-)

acupuncture

acupuncture again...

:-)

scary back

i guessed it was the stress of having to co-ordinate a workshop over the last couple of weeks that made my whole shoulder and neck to stiffen up. this was made worst by a boss that didn't support this training and had been making a lot of rather uncalled for hostile remarks. i decided to pay a visit to the chinese sinseh after the workshop to get my back sorted out. i opted for a body massage followed by gua sha. and yes, it was one helluva painful. but it did relieve me of some of the pains. 

hopefully, my tensed up shoulders and neck will loosen up soon.

:-)

bad ankle

i climbed up onto the table to fix a ceiling board that had dropped off and when i jumped off the table, i felt a sharp pain on my left foot. that was last week. the pain stayed for a couple of days but returned again over the weekend when i was helping to set-up the training venue. 

so, i visited the sinseh and he did what he thought i needed - acupuncture. a total of 6-7 needles were inserted into various points from my knees to my foot. and i felt one helluva achy. almost had to beg the sinseh to stop! but today, it felt rather ok. there was no relapse of the pain. but i had been warned to refrain from walking too much. let it rest for a couple of days first, the sinseh said.

heh heh...