conjunctivitis

down with conjunctivitis for both eyes. started with the right eye yesterday and today, my left eye got infected. very uncomfortable and painful due to the pressure build-up in the eye balls and the non-stop secretion of mucus that clog up the eyes.

was on mc today as it is highly contagious. been applying the eye drops and taking antibiotics and painkillers through the day. feel a little better now. let's hope it clears well enough for me to attend a 2-day conference starting tomorrow.

:-)

11th anniversary

and without much fanfare, we ended our 11th year together

(to be specific, the anniversary was yesterday)

time really flies

end of 10, end of 9 (start of 10), end of 8 (start of nine), end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

pic from http://www.clearpixel.com.au

go forth, do the needful

positively, i told myself that someone up there is telling me to go forth and do what i needed to do for myself. i had, for the last 15-over years committed myself to take care of my parents and dog, and often a times, i had placed their priorities above mine. it is time to start to look at my own priorities and to do what i want, without worrying about my charges. there's no need to now.

and i thanked them for giving me life's precious lessons. lessons of patience, anger management, unconditional love, of the joys of being compassionate, of selflessness, of sacrifices, and many more. lessons where no amount of monies can buy. they have prepared me well to go forth now, i supposed.

look forward, be purposeful, keep happy...

batman vs superman

now this show was a tat too draggy for me. of cos, one may argue that the two hours were needed to build up a case for the final battle between batman and superman, but there were too many gaps. and the finale of the show was nothing about batman and superman, it was the fight between doomsday and the trio - superman, batman and wonder woman. it was also funny how batman could be so magnaminous as to let his perceptions and misforgivings about superman pass within less than a minute. and almost immediately after that, to head off the save superman's mother.

but as all such movies, one should not read too much into it. i had already complained about the duration, to fully explain all those gaps would probably stretch the show a lot longer and that would kill us all. so... better editing was needed. overall, it was not too bad.

i believe we could be seeing a sequel to this show. we still have cyclops, and aquaman that haven't appeared despite being introduced in the show.

look forward.

gods of egypt

i watched this show on the day sapphie died. i didn't know what to do after having spend a day in my bed dazed. and it was with this very negative mindset that i walked into the cinema.

the show didn't impress me. while the animation/ cgi effects where great, the storyline was weak, the acting poor and the whole show felt kinda weird. imagine having the sun god ra living on a spaceship, wielding a spear to kill that mythical creature, having gods live amongst men, where gods where larger sized compared to men (proportionally, it didn't do well for me), where women oogle at the gods (and for a short moment, i wonder how the human women would survived if she were to copulate with the god considering, from her humanly perspective, his family jewel would be so terribly thick and long).

nonetheless, the show did provide me with the momentary respite from the highly charged and emotional state i was in that day.

zootopia

against the current backdrop of the world and the isis threat, i thought this show had successfully brought across the message of threats within and amongst us. where the line between good and the bad was blurred. this show was full of opposites. big vs small, black and white, fast vs slow, good vs bad, perception vs real... and i supposed it was precisely because of this that made this show so very very enjoyable.

the good eventually wins.

as always.

kung fu panda 3

watched this show with bee when i returned from guangzhou. loved the show. for the storyline, i thought it fitted well with the previous two parts. i also sensed an oblique reference to gay parentage and inclusiveness, such as how the panda had 2 fathers, etc. or was i just being too sensitive? whatever... being a traditional person, i absolutely love the way the show treated the concepts qi, the flow and energies. it was nicely done. the only one thing that i didn't quite like was the way it portrayed and incorporated modernity (and the americanization of the chinese culture) in areas such as the incorporation of hip hop dance, and the frivolity in which the whole concept of tao was portrayed at times (such as how the dragon did a hip hop dance)...

but putting all these aside, it was a wonderfully entertaining movie.

aimless rants

am gonna do some catching up here with some aimless rants...

• march is a the last month before the financial year closes. and unlike previous years, the top management decided that we should all clear our current year leave before month-end, or have all the remaining leave forfeited. as a result, i have a total of 7 days leave to clear this month. well, lots of leave but no plans per se, especially when i have so much work to clear. interestingly, up till mum's passing, i had used up all the leave for her medical appointments. and once she passed way, i was able to accumulate a few days. had wanted to clear them in apr/ may when the schedule would be a little less pack. but things were not to be. 

• bee had not been able to take leave for a holiday with me for quite a few years. and this had frustrated me for many years. to make things worst, he would leave for bangkok and what have you for his work trips that include short breaks with his office people. this made me unhappy to the point where we almost broke off. and last year, when we finally could identify a 3-4 day period for a break, he was activated for work a week before the trip. in the end, we did not head off for any break.

• this year, the same thing happened, bee and i had agreed to take a break together as i had to clear my leave before month-end. and then a week before that, he received notice that he had to attend in-camp-training/ reservist. the dates of his reservist coincided with my leave period. i was naturally not too pleased with this development. i decided to go ahead with my leave.

• so my leave leave was hastily planned. i only booked the trip the night before the departure. i didn't want to head to any place new without him and there was no specific place i could go to. in the end, i decided to head to hong kong. 

• i am a lazy holiday planner. an easily contented person, it would also be fine for me to just laze in my room. being able to arrive at a new environment and observe people go about their daily life was all i look forward to when i go overseas. there was no need to go to those touristy place etc. and that was what i did when i was in hong kong. the fact that sapphie passed away during my trip didn't add to the mood. i ended up clearing my work, managing her passing, and just moving around town and observing people. that was my break. that was my week in hong kong.

bitter sweet... 

:-)

sapphie & the lives she touched

it was interesting how everyone reacted with shocked when i shared with them about sapphie's passing. comments such as omgosh, what??!!!, etc were common. and almost immediately after that, my family, close friends and neighbours began to talk about how they adored her, and their encounters with her, and so on. for that matter, bee's mum cried when she watched the video of sapphie's cremation! it was something kinda unexpected frankly. but to get such reactions reflect how much sapphie managed to touch the lives of the people she interacted with. that was my sapphie. good tempered, and adored by many, if not all. up to her very last day. for that matter, she even made my nephew cry.

above all, she was the only family member that was with me through the thick and thins of my life over the last 15-over years. she was with me during my happy and not-so-happy days with james, as well as the eventual break-up. she was with me when bee and i build our relationship, our ups and downs, and she was there throughout the period when i had to look after my parents, both of whom had passed away. she was there as i served my final years in the military and transited into a corporate person. she had seen me at my best, and my worst. and throughout all these times, she stayed with me. she had her moments when she was disobedient and i would scold (and at times slap her thighs). but she stayed with me, always non-judgemental (then again, she didn't have a choice, did she... heh).

i came home to a empty house after 5 days away. the first thing that caught my eyes was a huge blue urn sitting on my dining table. i took a look at her bones. they looked like chicken wings (frankly) and i was kinda surprised there was so much of it. there was this feeling of intense sadness as i looked at it, and as i noted her dog pellets still found on the floor (she's a messy eater) as well as the huge amount of fur that she shed daily. she's no more alive i reminded myself. i didn't want any of my grieve to control me as i started to throw away her remaining dog food, swept the floor, discarded her medication, and her shampoo etc. oh, as i discarded her shampoo, i noted it was near empty, i had just given her a good shower the day before she died. i took a sniff, and i was reminded of her... i couldn't sleep last night. the house was too quiet. there was no sounds of dog nails hitting the parquet flooring in my bedroom, there was no occasional noise that she'd make whenever she dreams (of dog dreams). 

i will miss her. i already did.

james, and the passing of sapphie

sapphie wouldn't have joined the family had james not wanted a pet. and since a friend's dog had given birth to 8 puppies, we decided to bring one home. and that was how sapphie joined the family. so, technically, sapphie was james' dog. for that matter, when we first registered her name with the vet, she took on james' surname. her records was changed eventually to reflect my surname. after james and i went our ways, he continued to visit her and brought her out regularly, an arrangements not different from divorced couples. the last time he walked her was during my mum's wake, 17 nov 2015, to be exact.

when i got news of sapphie's condition, i texted him immediately. he was concerned and he wanted to be at the vet when i said my sis-in-law planned to bring her for consultation. he knew the vet, he said. but that was not to be. sapphie passed away that night. i was not sure how he reacted when he got the news, but i suspected he felt the loss. i mentioned that i would be cremating the dog. and before i could tell him that i wanted not to collect back the ashes, he asked if i could bring back the ashes and scatter it at the east coast beach where sapphie frequently swam at. i was pleasantly surprised by his suggestion as it reflected his closeness to sapphie. he couldn't attend the cremation as he had lessons and i didn't expect him to. and i made sure i kept him updated throughout the period with pictures and texts. he was, after all, the one who made all these possible. 

the passing of sapphie, in a huge way, also represented the finality of our relationship. then again, we'll always be friends.

she's home, in an urn

bee collected sapphie's ashes that very afternoon and brought it back to my place. this was the one and only home she knew.

she's had a good life.

sapphie's cremation

bee wanted to handle the cremation arrangements but i told him to let my sis-in-law oversee it. sapphie died at their place after all, and it would be much easier for the undertaker to liaise with the owner of the place. but he managed to attend the cremation. i was a little worried about how things would pan out when he meets my brother and sis-in-law as my brother had all the while been rather anti-him, after hearing all the negative things about him from my mum (which was untrue and a result of her dementia when she was alive).

anyway, he arrived early and the pet undertakers had prepared her for the cremation. they had brought out the body from the fridge and allowed it to thaw. she was laid on a metal table and covered with a while piece of cloth. the undertakers passed him some flower to place on sapphie before the cremation and allowed him some private time with her. soon enough my brother and sis-in-law arrived. i understood that they spoke with bee and my brother spoke at length to the dead dog, go and find gong gong and mama (my parents), he urged. that was typically how my brother manage his grieve, he did the same for my dad and my mum, talking to them like as though they were still alive and (in my perspective) make himself and the people around him more sad. but that worked for him.

at 10am, the body was pushed in for the cremation proper. my brother played the buddhist sutra as the body was pushed in and she was finally cremated. it was a dignified process, i must say. and from afar, i was consoled by the way the cremation was managed. she's had a long good life. the undertaker mentioned that for her breed (mongrel), the usual lifespan was about 12 years. for her, she was 15 years, 4 months and 19 days when she passed away.

miserable holiday

as i update my family and close friends about sapphie's passing, manage my niece and nephew, and at the same time oversee the cremation arrangements, i was grieving. 

there was absolutely nothing i could do as i was in hong kong. the weather didn't co-operate too as it kept raining. as a result, i was cooped in my hotel room most of the time, apart from meal times. the thing is, once i get alone, i would look at the photos and i end up crying. and that was what happened over the 2 to 3 days of sapphie's passing. and i grieved as i give instructions over how the arrangements for the cremation should be done, and kept watch as it happened.

frankly, i felt rather dazed over the few days and was in no mood nor presence of mind to do anything. for mealtimes, i ended up walking around aimlessly at shopping centers, looking for a quick lunch but most importantly, for free wifi so that i could log in to my mobile and catch up with what's happening back home; and at the same time, do some work (which continued to pile even though i was overseas, supposedly on holiday).

it certainly wasn't too glam to cry and tear in public. but that was what happened. thinking back, it was kinda depressing. hahaha... almost like a movie.

managing my niece & nephew

as all the arrangements for sapphie's demise were being made, i kept watch over my niece and nephew. i asked my sis-in-law about their reactions. i wanted to know how they were coping with the dog's death.

for my niece, she has all along been a little afraid of dogs and despite being able to play with sapphie, she kept her distance somewhat. similar to how she reacted when my mum passed away, my niece stayed away from the dead body. as for my nephew, he was rather attached to the dog. the last time sapphie stayed over for a fortnight, he would walk her (together with my maid) and he would feed her and played with her. it was funny to see how sapphie responded so positively to him too as she'd let him pull her fur, led her around her house (although at times, it looked like sapphie was leading him instead), and climbed all over her. he cried for a long time when i brought her home. he was elated to have sapphie stayed over again this time, except that it was a short stay. he did not react too well when sapphie died and cried. i was a little surprised by this reaction as he did not respond similarly when my mum died just 4 months ago. i had rationalised back then that he was too young to know what was happening. but this time round, i sensed he understood better what death meant and had felt the loss. he eventually came around and could tell me that the dog had died. he added he was not afraid of the dead body. and as usual, to help him manage this passing, i explained to him about life and death and that sapphie had lived to a ripe of age. and the same as human, it was her time to go. he listened and kept quiet.

i thought they took the whole passing well.

pet undertaker

gave my sis-in-law the number to call. they came at about 11am that very morning and brought her to the pet mortuary. she was placed in a bag and transferred to a box before she was finally taken away. the cremation would be done the next day 10am. 

sapphie's deaf

this is a belated post. had saved an empty entry with the title in my draft and planned to write this some time this week. didn't expect her to leave. anyway...

sapphie has had a history of ear infections since her ears drooped some 4-5 years back. i had been clearing the dirt and mucus almost fortnightly since then. she really hated ear cleaning as i would flush her ear canal with medicated ear cleanser and she would run away whenever she saw me with the ear cleanser. i had to corner her and hold her down before she would give in to me. cleaning her ears fortnightly became a routine since then. her hearing began deteriorating very quickly over the last 3 months. and she’d yelp when i cleaned her ears. subsequently, i didn’t insist on cleaning it anymore when i noted her increased weakness by the days. and increasingly, she became less responsive to my calls. recently, when i returned home from work, i'd often see her standing and staring blankly into the walkway that leads to my room. she didn’t even know i’d return home when i opened the door. she seemed to be in a world of her own. i needed to shout out her name before she turned her head. that was when i concluded she’s almost deaf.

i did some internet search on caring for deaf dogs and learned of the need to be extra careful in guiding them and to increase the use of visuals rather than voice commands. i began to make changes to the way i communicate with her. i had to make conscious efforts to wave my hands to signal her to, say, follow me, or to allow me to carry her, etc. and she responded nicely. carrying her around also became somewhat a routine for me these days too as i noted she’s rather weak. at times, she’d even not respond to my tugging of the leash, choosing to just stand there and stare at me. when that happened, i’d just squat down beside her and extend my arm out in front of her. she’d happily raise her front left leg and rest it onto my arm and do a little hop, as i used my other hand to support her back as i scoop her up.

that was how i cared for her in recent weeks. and that was also clear signals to me that her end was near.

passing of sapphie

sapphie left this world when i was overseas.

you see, i had to clear my leave before end-mar and decided to head out of country. i left for hong kong on monday morning. i brought her to my brother's place on sunday afternoon as per the usual arrangements when i head overseas. when i left her that evening, my niece and nephew were excitedly giving her a plate of her favorite snack - cut apples. i didn't expect that that would be the last i'd see of her physically.

i arrived in hong kong about 11am and was in the train to my hotel when i noted i had a few missed calls from my sis-in-law and maid. "come, come! come quick! sapphie is really sick, she vomited all the apples we gave yesterday and couldn't really walk this morning", my sis-in-law said, not knowing that i was already in hong kong. it was the first time that i get such panicky response from my sis-in-law. i couldn't do much but to give her instructions to let sapphie rest, and to remove food from her and observe her. starving her when she vomits has always been the routine. but to be safe, i gave her the vet's number and address and told her to bring sapphie to the vet if her condition did not improve. feeling uneasy, i also texted her the number to call in case she dies. i had it prepared since 2 months back when i sensed her getting weaker by the day.

called back a while later after i checked into the hotel and was told she's resting and seemed ok. told them to continue observing her and update me again. no food for her for now, i reiterated. water is fine, i added. in the evening, i was told she's ok and still resting. she could get up and walk a bit but otherwise was very weak. it was a relief to know she could get up. was told she doesn't and hasn't eaten nor drank anything since afternoon. no food was ok as i didn't want her to eat as she had vomited, but not drinking didn't sound right, considering her recent increased water intake. please bring her to the vet the next day if she continues this way, i requested. and as it was her pee time, i ask that my maid carry her down to pee. i got to take a look at her resting through a video call at about 9-plus pm. her body was in a very relaxed state, her eyes closed and she didn't seemed aware of the happenings around her. my maid called out to her although i knew it was of no use. she's almost deaf. that was the last time i saw her.

when i woke up the next day at 6am, there were 2 missed calls and 2 messages. The first message read:

狗    死了😥 (the dog has died) 

the message was sent at 2:38am. the second, at 3-plus, was a photo...

rip sapphie

sapphie passed away this morning at about 2am...

喜大叔, uncle lovers

during bee's visit, he commented that there were gay men everywhere we went, especially in the tianhe district. and i was like - ???. well, i must admit i was rather blind to gay men and that my gaydar was not working very well. almost all the men i saw around me were simply men! i couldn't sense any gayness in anyone at all! hahaha...

so after he left i downloaded a chinese gay app - the equivalent to jackd or grindr outside china. and since i was away from singapore, i decided to place my picture and my stats. and next thing i knew, i was bombarded almost non-stop with messages from people across china - gay chinese. wow wow wow! hahaha...

and one interesting observation i made was - there were many many who liked mature men! and guess what? they describe themselves as people who "喜欢大叔", or, in short, "喜大叔". loosely translated, it means "love uncles". i thought it was rather funny. they refer to mature men as "uncles". i supposed it is equivalent to "daddies" in the american context. but i played along when i realized the local reference to mature man was "uncle" and i introduced myself accordingly when asked. heh! when in rome, do what the romans do. and in this case, when in china, speak like a chinese (gay man). hahaha. and i am proud to say, i can text in chinese rather well now, after texting and replying these people who "喜大叔".

;-)

bee visit

bee visited me over the weekend in china and he had the first hand experience with the local transport system and the crowd there. think it was an eye-opener for him - the pushing, the talking loudly, the running between metro platforms, etc...

anyway, during the short day and a half visit, we managed to view some major tourist attractions - canton tower, the guangzhou river mouth, the tian he shopping belt, chan clan ancestor hall, etc. and of cos, a trip to the lotus mountain (lianhua san) where we toured around the temple and its surrounding areas. also had the chance to bring him to enjoy some of the local food, and not forgetting, the dim sum (which they are famous for).

thought it was a good short getaway for him.

china's weather

i didn't expect the weather to be so erratic during my visit to china.

in the first few days were good the temperature hovered around 20-23 degrees celsius. it was very nice and cooling, and we were able to walk around comfortably most of the day. but by the second week, china experienced a cold spell and suddenly overnight, the temperature dropped to about 10 degrees celsius. on one particular night, it even went down to 7 degrees celsius! it was superbly cold. and to make things worst, it rained too. it was a little uncomfortable especially when it got windy. thankfully, i was prepared for the cold this time round, after having experienced hong kong just a month back. and it helped tremendously that i worked in the comforts of my hotel room, and where i had turned on the heater switched on. i got acclimatised very quickly after the first few days.

but in no time, i had to return to the sweltering heat back home.

i kinda miss the weather now. haha...

my china work trip

it was one helluva 2 weeks in china.

my colleagues and i looked rather down when we boarded the plane. it was gonna be two long week away from home and we expected time to really pass very slowly. i personally was not a huge fan of china. but i had to go. it was a duty call after all.

and the first few days were spend walking like no tomorrow. there were so many things to buy, so many permits to apply, so many things to sign... of cos, it was a team effort and most of these were done by my colleagues as i tagged along and kept an overwatch, co-ordinating as we moved along. i was totally dead beat by the end of each evening and my feet hurt terribly. but it was an eye opener. learned many things, ate even more and wohhh... the food, it was really good and we were stuffed.

after the first few days passed, and when the office was set up was finally done, it was down to routine work. i had to also conduct training when i was there and had to spend time developing the materials, and as all these were happening, i was bombarded with emails from office back home. so... and as usual, i might be overseas physically but had to work doubly hard. and it didn't help much that i had a staff who had no guts to deal with things and people and often had to email me to ask for advice/ assistance to approach/ explain to people. for the second week, i chose to work from my apartment so that i could focus on developing my training materials. many nights, i had to work till past midnight but things went well. the training for my china vendor went smoothly and it was superbly well-received. thank goodness. whew!

the thing about heading outstation is this - the work tend to be doubly heavy, and the hours are long, by virtue of the fact that when i have nothing much to do in the hotel, i'd log on into my email and work. despite this, i didn't feel too much pressure. my boss was thousands of miles away and because of that, i felt very relax. i could work at my own pace and in my own time and i was, in my opinion, a lot more productive that i was back home.

by the end of the second week, i had some mixed feelings about coming home. i had gotten used to the place and the pace. but i had to... and with that, i packed my luggages and returned on the 12 mar 2016. i actually look forward to going back there again.

:-)

i am back!

i am back blogging! but i think i might have lost my momentum...

had been in china working and i could not access blogger there. and i do not fancy sending blog entries via emails cos i do not get to see the formatting and make amendments if there are any mistakes. so... anyway, i will have to catch up with updating this blog over the next couple of days.

it's good to be back.

haha!