New Balance

End of the week coming.

Tomorrow night, it's time to switch of my phone again. Nonetheless, it's been a week of defining new approaches, new communications style, new patterns. It's a process of searching for a new equilibrium and the unlearning, relearning and rewriting of many basic issues/ dynamics.

It's a stressful but an enlightening process no doubt. With one hand representing the body, the other the life, the clasping of the hands represents the indivisible nature of life and the body. I am one hand, he is the other.

We now walk the path together. Hands holding even tighter.

Understanding/ lack of understanding of third language? Perhaps I should capture my reflections in Bahasa Melayu.

Hmmmm.... Boleh? saya pun tidak tahu.

Terima kasih Sayang.

Fifth Month

Thank you once again. 27th of the month. My fifth month today. Things looking good.

First time in my Life

- I got into such a situation. Very warped. But I guess this is something where one will need to go through to understand.

- I have stretched my limit to the utmost to love someone. Never ever believe it could happen or that it could be done by any human. Have given up everything including my health, my finances, my support, my love, everything. It is really voluntary. Something done out of pure love.

- I fully understand the notion about loving and hating someone at the same time.

- I have time and again chose to believe things that are sometimes so warped and so unbelieveable. Just because I love him.

Nonetheless, for all the pains I get, I also get all the love, attention, care and concern in return.

Guess this is life.

Conflicts and Dilemmas

Things seemed to be back to normal for him and `him'. At least that's the feeling I got. And I am back to the switch-off-my-phone patterns on weekends.

I also noted that he had put in lots of efforts following what happened last week and I am really appreciative of that. At the same time, I was also aware that he has been secretly finding opportunities to contact 'him'. I noticed for a fact that there have been less smses from `him' when we were together. But, at the same time, I had also noticed that he would say he wanted to go home first to bath, to change, to give things to his family member etc before we go out late. I supposed this was also to find opportunities to use his house phone to call 'him' so as to give 'him' the assurance that he was home after work and not seeing anyone, much less going out with me.

Anyway, lots of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Why did I feel apologetic as well as sorry for 'him', worried over his emotional well-being, yet at the same time, felt angry and jealous? While he had repeatedly reassured me of his love for me (and I really really feel he does), I just cannot help but wonder if he has been doing the same to me sometimes (eg using his meetings after work hours as excuses to meet 'him' for dinners)? For that matter, has he actually been taking us both for rides so far? Or was it that he has just been simply trying very very hard (but certainly with limited success) at managing relationships? I have thus far given him the benefit of doubt.

And I continue to do so.

I sometime really wished I could find the opportunity to talk and communicate with 'him'. And I really hope this can be done without 'him' telling him.

Impromptu writings

Medical - Went for my medical review today. Results from previous tests have not been conclusive. But evidences suggest very strongly that it could be epilepsy. Was asked whether I had recently been overly stressed up as a sudden spike in stress level could have caused me to go into fits/ blanking off. My first thoughts were my outing as well as of him. Anyway... Well, will need to redo the brainwave scan to ascertain my condition. This time, need to do it with sleep deprivation. Been told to stay awake whole of tomorrow night and to do the test on Fri morning.

Him - Things seemed pretty ok these 2 weeks. A bit too ok for that matter. But over the last two days, it was kinda tense due to quarrels and arguments. But I guess it was cos we were both overly concerned about each other's problems. This was made worst by the fact that he was heavily stressed out by his own problems at home.

Me - Feeling kinda weird and mixed of late cos while I was worried for Tony (Eyu Chong), I was also not too comfortable about him whenever it comes into the picture. Yet, I apologise. Magnaminous? Stupid? Conflicting thoughts yet again.

His Mum - Bought ear rings for his mum. She loves it. Glad to know from him that she no longer suspect if there might be anything `unnatural' between us. She just assumes that I am a very good friend and that I feel very comfortable with her. And she likes me very much too. Very happy about it. :)

My Mum - He would come over whenever it is convenient and I am sure our mannerism (him holding my hands so naturally, us feeding each other, etc) was an immediate give away, but my mum seemed so nonchalant about it. She can even chat with him as though it is the most natural thing to do!!!

My Dog - My dog has taken a very strong liking for Su How and plays with him whenever he comes over. She even took to his family like fish to water cos she seemed so at home with his family when I first brought her over to his house! Very surprising. Pleasantly.

Killing oneself

Surreal. Was attending a class this morning when there was a commotion outside. A guy was seen sitting on the ledge and mumbling to himself. He stayed there for an hour and a half and then walked to the edge of the ledge, intending to jump.

The hour and a half drama made the whole school came to a stand still. The police were there. The civil defence officers were there. In fact, it seemed that the whole world was there - lecturers, students, canteen operators, cleaners, security guards, everyone. Everyone was standing outside looking at him. Some were gasping. Guess everybody had wanted a piece of the drama.

The whole episode also set me thinking - What were these people/ onlookers waiting for? For him to jump and see him smashed up and shiver till the last moment when every minute signs of life leaves his body? or what? What was on their mind? Was it "Please jump so that I can get a piece of the drama to tell my friends?" or "Please don't jump so that I won't be traumatised by the blood and gore if you were to be smashed up?" or what? Were they disappointed when he finally was pulled to safety by the CD officers who rapelled down from the roof? or, were they relieved? or both? cos while he was saved, they had, in the end, no gory/ sensationalized tale to tell?

While I could sense some form of relieve when I see the onlookers clapping their hands, I could not help it but also sensed some form of disappointment (for the lack of high drama).

Then again - What on the mind of the guy who wanted to jump? or was he just an attention seeker? Was he really intend on killing himself? Why did he stay at the ledge for a good hour and a half if he had wanted to kill himself? Shouldn't he just jumped off and not waste everyone's effort to assemble the mats (oh my poor poor batch of PE students! I salute your efforts!), CD officers rapelling, counselling etc if he had really wanted to kill himself? What made him do it? What is the psyche of someone who wants to kill himself?I do not know about him, but I certainly knew what went through my head was I was at the 'edge' several times not too long ago. I turned back in the end. My common sense prevailed.

It would not be fair to get my parents, my him and all my loved ones to mourn for me.

Very selfish.

Apologies

Guess I have been too much. Maybe I shouldn't have done what I did.

Moment of folly.

Moment of impulse.

I apologise.

From the bottom of my heart.

Feelings

Sickness.

Love.
Hate.
Care.
Concern.
Worry.
Non-chalance.
Jealous.
Upset.
Frustration.
Love.
Love.
Love.

Impulsive.
Found.
Silence.
Stupidity.
Reprimand.
Question.
Yes?
No?

On?
Off?
Grumpy.
Sulk.
Conflicts?

Cold sweat.
Hot Tears.
Shivers.
Emotions.

Anger.
Anger.
Anger.

Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.

Compose.
Clarify.
Forgive.

Know?
Don't know?
Care?
Don't care?
Ask?
Don't ask?

Love.
Love.
Love.

Worries.
Uncertainties.

Sickness.
Sickness.

Last Week - A Poem

assignments
homework
lessons
lectures
discussions
group work
individual work

swimming
chalet
shopping
dinners
can food

dog
god-daughter
god-daughter
in-laws
relationships

Four and a half crazy months!

It's been four and a half crazy months. Perhaps the craziest months of my life. Even more drama and stressful than my coming out process when I was 30!

To recap, the following were some of the things that happened, well, not in chronological order:-

Was summoned by my security office and questioned about my sexuality. Basically outed by them and asked to tell all about my life as a gay man, about my history, about my sexual experiences, about my love life, about everything, basically was stripped clean of everything about myself and my sexuality.

Was even asked if my sexuality has affected my professional conduct at work. This was perhaps the single key event that affected every single thing for me and caused me to have black outs, slipping in and out of depression, stress-related health problems as well as my losing of more than 10% of my body weight.

The outing shook me totally considering I had devoted my whole life to the job and now I am being put through a whole lot of shit just because I am gay. Sighs. Made to promise I would behave responsibly, ie not to fraternalise at workplace, etc. While I see no issue in doing what had been asked of, I felt it had infringed into my personal space. And I am pretty uncomfortable with that.

- Was removed from my Masters programme following my being outed at work by my security office. Associated with this, prospects, deployability, etc everything have been affected and I guess I am as good as a walking zombie at work now. I really do not know what drives me now.- A period of uncertainties over how I would be managed at work. Effectively replaced and now with no clear job scope. Looks like it'll be this way at least till early Nov. Well, at least things look like it is a bit more stabilized now.

- With such developments at work, I am really looking at a major career switch when my bond ends or worst still, if I am asked to leave. Have therefore started to review my financial commitments, changed my car, looking at the possibility of selling my apartment and getting a HBD, reviewing my routines, etc. Rather stressful I must say.

- Parents moved out of Marine Parade; a place where I and all my siblings grew up. Suddenly felt I had lost my roots. This is another major stress factor cos I had lived and visited that place since my family moved in when I was in Pri 2 in Jun 1974.- Sister had a cyst found at her pancreas, suspected cancerous. Went for major op to remove it. Luckily she survived. Nonetheless, the experience took its toll and had a major impact on her family and had also affected all of us.

- Another sister went into depression and had to be put on medication. Everything in her family went upside down. Guess it was in part due to major changes in our lives.

- Family conflicts, quarrels amongst siblings, between siblings and parents, etc haiz. Guess all this was also partly cos everyone was trying to come to terms with the new house, adjusting to the new reality that our parents' home where we all grew up was no longer in Marine Parade; but now in CCK.

- Mum moved into my house after some internal conflicts with my brother (I stay with my partner!) Need major readjustment in our furnitures, food arrangements, etc, basically need to adjust our routines in view of new member in household. New member, new responsbilities. No, of course, not complaining. Just have to accept it. My responsibility.

- Mum went for a routine heart check and found that she might be suffering from a heart blood vessel blockage. Had to be hospitalised and eventually went through a heart angioplasty procedure. Thank goodness found to be ok.

- Both mum and dad took turns to fall sick. Has become an almost every other day affair. Couple with their routine medical check-ups, it's really very tiring to have to juggle my time around these responsbilities, work and personal life.

- Got to know him, process of going thru the emotional roller coaster rides. Very difficult. Another source of stress. Enough said.

- Healthwise, suffered black outs. Referred to neurologists, fearing and trying to accept the worst yet hoping for the best. Also, been diagnosed to have mild asthma and exceedingly high cholesterol levels. Put on permanent medication. Lost more than 7kg as a result of all the stress I supposed. Yet, despite all these health problems, I am not able to share it with my family for fear of adding on to their already very stressed-up situation. Must stay strong but find it very difficult given all the work and personal issues. Sometimes, really feel like ending everything once and for all. But cannot do so at least for the sake of my parents. Not fair to make them mourn for me.

- Also, my molar broke and had to have it removed surgically. Painful. Very painful process. Had a very bad fall 2 months plus back in my attempts at running. Wanted to run to release stress but ended up with a super duper sprain. Had been nursing the sprained ankle since.Well, look on the bright side, I SURVIVED and I have, as a result of the 4.5 months experience, understand and see who my real friends are. I have also become wiser in many things. I have realised that organisation loyalty, putting in all the extra sweat, blood and toil for your office etc mean nothing to the office and your years of contribution is really useless once you are faulted or deemed to be a threat to the office just because you are gay. And don't get me wrong, I am not anti-office now. I am still professional about my conduct and my responsibilties at work. And I do accept the facts of things and the rationale of why I was made to put through all these shit, but I can't help but feel so discriminated.

Haiz...Let's just hope things have hit the rock bottom... am praying hard. Now awaiting medical report on my brain scans and hope it's A-ok...

So convoluted! So draining!

He has been juggling his time between me and 'him'... on weekdays he gives me full attention. On Fris and Sats, he stays with 'him' yet at the same time, messages me about how much he misses me and loves me.

Then again, he knows I would switch off my phone during these days. It makes me wonder whether he means what he smses, who is in his mind when they are in bed, what goes on in his mind when they are together, etc etc etc... also when we are together, I wonder what he tells 'him' for I know 'he' smses him during these times... Is he a compulsive liar?

I know for sure that he has been lying to 'him' in order to be with me, but is he doing to same to me? He has assured he is not... yet, I wonder...But there are many things I am sure he is not lying.

These are the things that touch the very base of his soul and being. These include his views and feelings about family, relatives, his late grandma, his most precious belongings, etc. I am touched by the way he totally opened them up to me, to the extent of introducing me to them, visiting them and spending time with them, even for very personal outings such as family dinners. For I am also aware that he has never done the same for 'him'.

He has time and again told me and assure me that he is working on leaving 'him' but has asked me to give him time. He is sure that he will get nowhere with 'him' and that he has still not totally come to accept the fact that 'he' will be getting married end of the year. He has also admitted that he is really useless and nothing and cannot stand up for himself when he is in front of 'him' for he just cannot bear to release someone that he has invested in so much emotionally.

We have spend so much time crying on weekdays cos he felt so trapped. He has also time and again blamed himself for being weak and useless and being the cause of all these pains...

Things are so convoluted... on my part, I feel so drained.