weekend work...

brought my office laptop home with the intent to work through the weekend. but ended up not even taking the laptop out of my bag.

totally didn't have the mind to work. you see, i am in the midst of framing a major hr project for my company. and am doing so cos after presenting my first proposal to my boss, he commented a lot of things but i somehow didn't get anything out of it other than i needed to reframe my whole proposal. added to that, after my brief, he send me a similar proposal from his previous company and told me to adapt as needed. that was last week.

you know, when your boss does something like this, it means one thing - "follow it!" and it was kinda difficult cos the context is different; hence, the framing and everything downstream is different. but it is a good reference to know his expectations. it reflected his mindsets and to manage him, i spend quite a bit of efforts on the paper and tried my very best to figure out what it was trying to say in the first place! and it was one helluva difficult. it was not just a difference in the context, the paper itself was very lousily written. the thoughts were not congruent and had lots of jargon that came across as trying too hard to impress. but yeah... 

it simply meant that i have lots of deep thinking to do. this was the really hard part. framing of thoughts has been my strength yet i dislike the process of doing it. really intense and really require a lot of quiet reflections. can be very stressful, especially when you have to try to adhere to a particular flow. and that was why i did not even started it over the weekend. i simply cannot have the uninterrupted space and time for me to do so. but well, that didn't stop me from doing the framing mentally. it was a busy mental weekend of mind-mapping!

and guess what? i ended up with a tentative frame! and i managed to put them into a draft over the course of monday! haha... gonna spend the next 2 days developing the details. that, actually, is the easy part!

:-)

walking ice-cream

since shaving my head bald, i have been feeling like a walking ice-cream whenever i walk inside an air-conditioned shopping centre! you see, my nightly routine is to bring mum out shopping. and lately, whenever i walk in the shopping centres, i will experience a certain level of headache. not very pain per se, but rather uncomfortable. and this discomfort was caused by the air-conditioning that made my head feel very cold inside!

so... yeah, i totally felt like a walking ice-cream!

lol!

stress from work

i suspect all the unfortunate health-related issues i am facing are manifestations of the stress i am facing at work. i mean, this month is already totally loaded with lots of activities that i have to drive and then my boss send an email to me out of no where to brief him about some projects. and his email to me read "i want you to arrange a meeting to brief me about your plans regarding xxxxx." technically he was not wrong, but i thought it would sound a lot friendlier if he had said something along the lines of "discuss together", or even say "for me to give you some guidance" and used "the", instead of "your". but no, it was just a one liner kinda email. short, sharp and curt.

accordingly, he had wanted to drive some new initiatives for the company and had tasked the responsibility to me. and because he will be heading off for a long holiday, he decided to expedite this briefing to him. and when i told him i am maxed out this month and will need space to put my thoughts together before i could brief him, he simply said, i need to give some urgency and priority to this. omg, i only have this much time, energy and mental capacity!

and i dislike his formal and aloof approach to things. 

but well... that's him i guess. 

he is the boss.

bad health

had been feeling uncomfortable from the bad eye and mouth ulcers last couple of weeks. and just when it cleared up, the throat started to act up, and last evening, i lost my voice. and then before i went to bed (last night), i felt a little snap on my lower back and the rest was simply hellish.

am feeling feverish now and have just taken some painkillers. have also bought some vitamin c and it complex earlier. think it should help me better manage my stress and boost my immunity.

things seemed to be getting from bad to worst. 

darned!

bad eye

my bad eye lasted for quite a while.

i wore my glasses until this week and i only started to put on my contact lenses again tuesday. and i must really add that the weeks when i had my glasses on were really really bad. it felt like i was in a state of dream. didn't feel real and everything seemed to be so... well, short of a better word - framed. and to make it worst, the spectacles didn't sit too well on my nose (bridge) and my face felt terribly oily. this was compounded by the superbly hot and humid weather. totally didn't like it. the interesting was, and i think it was due to my swollen eye ball, my presbyopia got so bad i couldn't really read the newspaper unless i took off my glasses. really, i have never felt so old before until lately!

doh!

:-)

the ocean at the end of the lane

had just completed this book last night. took me more than 3 months to complete this. had been a long time since i last read any books! and so, when i started, i didn't find it engaging enough to continue and put it off. the momentum just wasn't there. read it on and off only when i had the chance to head to the pool. i only managed to immerse myself into the story after i read more than half the book. heh...

but yeah, it was a good read once you are into it.

i enjoyed it.

holy month again

tomorrow will be the 4th lunar month again and that means, i will be observing 15 days of vegetarianism. cannot recall how many years i have done this, but i think it is a good reminder to continue respecting life and be compassionate to our fellow sentient beings.

and to guard against and remind myself not to succumb to vanity, i have just shaved my head again. been my annual routine since leaving the force.

om.

headhunter again

took leave today to collect mum's medication, send car for servicing, run some errands, la la la... things that i cannot do on weekends when mum's around. and will be meeting the headhunter this afternoon too. have met quite a few thus far but none have gotten back. 

let's see how things go this time round.

discharged

mum's condition improved very quickly over the last 24hours. ultra-sound for shoulder had been arranged on another date but no major concerns per se. 

to be discharged by late afternoon.

gone in again...

things can only get more stressful with each passing day.

mum complained of shoulder pain last evening. it was extremely painful she said and wanted to head off to the family gp. when i told her i'd bring her to the hospital, she changed her mind and instead wanted to head out for dinner. and that was what i did. but i continue to observe her, did some basic checks and concluded that there was no fracture. perhaps a slight muscle strain, i concluded. and to help her, i administered muscle relaxants, a strong painkiller and a sleeping pill before she retired to bed.

this morning, she complained of the pain again and asked to head out to the polyclinic. i told her i'd bring her to the hospital again. she thought for a while, and this time round, she agreed. she dislikes heading to the hospital cos she doesn't want to be admitted. but i have always wanted her to do so cos at her age, it would be better to treat any issue early instead of allowing it to fester. as such, i'd suggest heading to the hospital as early as i could to (1) gauge her discomfort, and (2) mentally prepare her in the eventuality that she needed to be admitted.

this time round, looking at her condition, i was quite certain she would be asked to stay. and i said so not because of her shoulder, but her irregular breathing, occasional whizzing and the slight swell at her feet. so when we arrived, i let her describe her pains to the triage and the doctors. the nurses and doctors probed further and she started adding issues like breathlessness, whizzing, swollen legs etc. and true enough, she was asked to stay immediately. when i spoke with the doctor, she told me mum might have pulled a muscle but otherwise, her shoulder was fine. as for her breathlessness, the x-ray suggested that she had pneumonia and needed immediate treatment.

so that's it.... minimally 2-3 day stay. or more if the tests comes back and suggest something more nasty. nonetheless i must say - the maid had taken very good care of her over the last year-plus. ever since the maid's arrival, her frequency of being warded went down to almost zero. this admission was something unexpected. it adds to my current stress-level. then again, i should look it positively that her stay would allow me a mental break.

another trip

he is leaving for bkk again this thursday.

in telling me about this trip last week, he broke 2 of the 3 promises he made 5 months back. he had promised to seek my go ahead before planning for any trip (esp bkk), he did not. he simply broke the news to me. he promised to be sensitive and considerate to me, he did not. how else would he have agreed to such a trip when he knew i am so terribly down these days. but i did not make a fuss over it. he had, after all, told me of the trip one week in advance. 

but it couldn't have happened at a worst time, especially this period. i have not said anything thus far and have been controlling and managing myself. let's see if his behaviour over the next few days and during his trip. it's a good test to see if he knows what being sensitive and considerate really mean. really, i do not need any materials items etc, i only need him to be around. close to me. but as events over the last 2 months had unfolded, i have stopped asking questions. i simply accept what he says. i no longer want to be seen nor interpreted as imposing or suspecting etc...

i think all the stress is getting to me and i really don't know what the fuck is going on or happening to me anymore...

i really really wish he would not go.

*fill in the blank* sex

here's some possible reasons why sex occurs and the words that can be used to describe them...

• angry sex. sex that occurs when one is angry with his partner, often with other people.

• spiteful sex. sex that occurs when one does it to spite his partner, often with other people, and often in such a manner that his partner knows about it.

• revenge sex. sex that occurs when one wants to exact revenge on his partner, often with other people.

• placating sex. sex that occurs when one gives in (to his partner) to ease his anger/ dissatisfaction.

• charity sex. sex that occurs when one pities the opposite party for whatever reasons (e.g., the opposite party has a physical defect, or is not cute, or considered "no market value"...)...

• emotional sex. sex that occurs when one is emo-nemo and the other party tries to calm him down, and one thing leads to another and...

• routine sex. sex that occurs not becos one is horny but because it has become so routine it just happens. 

• mechanical sex. sex that happens when one party is not in the mood but simply give in, or play along. may be somewhat similar to/ overlap with placating sex or routine sex above.

• curious sex. also referred to as "exploratory sex". sex that occurs when one is curious. most of the time, one or both parties are not interested in relationships. can be difficult if, after the sex, one party becomes interested.

• dangerous sex. where one engages in sex that may lead to harming one or both or all parties involved (when more than 2 are involved).

• escapism sex. where one engages in sex as a form of escapism. i.e., to escape from something...

• stress-relieving sex. sex that occurs when one or both or all parties needed to to get rid of stress, including exam stress, eg in the lecture theatre! lol!

• discreet sex. sex where one or both or all parties involved pretend it never happened after that.

and the list continues...

have you been involved in one/ some/ all of them?

prolonged caregivership

the thing i realised about being in a state of prolonged caregiving to someone like my mum...

• i have lost almost all my friends. and for those who are still around, we hardly meet anymore. of cos, many can say that for those that stopped contacting, it is better off without them. but i do think we are social creatures and like it or not, we need people around us. 

• despite having a domestic help, my routine now revolves around my mum. of cos i do and often make excuses to leave her to have my me-time. yet, when i am away from her during these me-time, i have the tendency to want to go back to her. and this is so, to a certain extend, because i have gotten used to the habit of being around her.

• i only have one person whom i go out with weekly. it is the only time that i can ease my mind and relax, even if i do not speak much. and when he is not around, i do not have anymore persons to go out with. and for that matter, i do not find it natural to ask my friends out anymore.

• i do not plan for anything at short notice cos i needed the time to prep mum mentally. then again, i cannot plan for anything in advance (with confidence) too. and this is because i need to cater for the possibility of her turning mental/ emotional suddenly. 

• so the people i mix with these days are my one and only colleague that i go out for lunch with (cannot go out with other colleagues like i used to cos my boss insists we need to have half the department in office at any one time, even during lunch), my mum, my maid and bee.

• it is depressing... really, i do not know whether i am really normal anymore cos on one hand, i consider myself to be ok and managing things well, but on the other hand, i do not know if my subconscious really is.

i supposed these are stresses that caregivers experience. and it would really help if i have a supportive workplace.

ok, i am just ranting... 

having the last word

something a friend shared years ago made me reflect and shaped my behavior. he said that i have the tendency to want to have the last word in any conversation. and he said that during an sms conversation where i replied with something after he kinda ended the conversation.

that innocent feedback increased my self-awareness and was the basis for my own development. my view about having last words now is that people who insists (not that i did) on having the last say in any conversations may have their reasons for doing so, but there is no need to.

and when you want to end the conversation, make sure your last words are at least neutral in tone or better still, positive words or words of gratification.

agree?

commenting vs questioning

it's easier and probably more welcoming to ask questions than to make comments. asking questions often come across as showing interest and concern as opposed to the "see, i am right" or "i know best" feel when you make a comment.

do you agree?

"do you want to play with my balls?"

this is getting rather uncomfortable...

!!!

and on a separate note, i send this to tuls and his response was
"sally is a slut". 

lol!

mum

have not really written about her in recent weeks.

she's been stable and well other than the fact the her forgetfulness has increased. interestingly, it gets worst every evening about 8-9 pm. also, there were a couple of incidences of paranoia during sundown, last being two days ago. but it quickly dissipated when i brought her out for dinner. and that night, she told me not to head out for my exercise cos "this woman called pei loan, who had previously plotted to harm her and my dad, lives down the road with 2 other bad people". other than that, she seemed ok mentally.

physically, she's gotten heavier and i think this impacted her mobility and is now causing her legs to feel weak. she has also been complaining of numbness of her hands and legs. the numbness cleared when i got the maid to massage her.

so nett-nett, i would say she's keeping well. then again, she keeps telling me she's gonna die soon and she seemed pretty convinced about it.

hmmm...

swollen eye

have a very bad eye infection since monday. blood shot, swollen and the itch started yesterday. interesting and a little scary to have that "pressure from inside the eye, eye wanna explode" feeling. 

on a days' mc today.

careless whispers

one of the most interesting comment in this youtube thread was: "the most seducing song ever for women, created by the gayest man in the universe..." heh.

this song brings me back to my junior college days back in the 80s - before george michael came out as gay. and listening to it now, it brings back lots of interesting memories. of cos, when i looked at the mtv, i can imagine the whole video being played out by 3 gay men! after all, such events where one gay person sleeping around with another who might be the friend of his lover is quite realistic. hmmm, or perhaps george michael was simply singing a song that reflected his life back then?

no?

well, this is just a random post. you can call it a space-filler post too. frankly, there have been lots and lots of little things happening to me, my health, my physical self, etc but i don't really have the mood to pen them down. also, i think anything related to work or mum are gonna sound a tat too repetitive and boring. and as for relationship, well, let's just say i am taking a back seat for the meantime.

...

cutting own hair

i do trim my own hair once a while through the years but over the last 3-4 months, i have gotten into the habit of cutting my own hair. and i must say, i am getting quite good at it. i can do basic styling and have been able to achieve very even outcome all round, even the back of my head! 

but what's most impactful was the fact that every time i cut my hair, i save s$12 - or an equivalent of a simple dinner for the family! and with an average once a fortnight haircut over 3.5 months, i had saved a cumulative total of more than s$80! heh heh... well, of cos i didn't cut my own hair because i couldn't afford it. rather, it was out of necessity and convenience. you see, i have always kept my hair very short (almost crew cut) and the issue with such a hair style is that it grows out of shape very fast. and whenever that happens, i will head to the hairdresser to neaten it. but at times, when i feel sufficiently irked by my out-of-shape head, i'd just diy in my toilet (as in, trim my own hair). 

and with time, i got into the habit of doing it and... 

lol!

be like water

am going through this interesting period where disturbing dreams seemed to be the norm. it could be of building collapsing, of people getting killed, etc... and invariably, the trend i have observed about these dreams was me being helpless and unable to control the events and people around me leading to high levels of stress and tensions.

i supposed this is my sub-conscious trying to release all the internal tensions that i have been facing over the past couple of months. and i must say that although much of it was directly related to my immediate challenges at work, my personal life, and family-related issues also contributed to it. there are just too many things that are happening around me that i cannot control but are impacting me directly - e.g. an abusive boss at work, a mentally unstable mum, being in a state of deliberate passivity when it comes to relationship. also, everyone had, at some point or other, called me a liar, and have doubted my integrity and/ or my good intentions. 

these are all different aspects of my daily life and all have one thing in common - i am being placed inside a box and my ability to influence people and/ or events are either muted or removed altogether. and these are all causing me a lot of stress mentally cos i am not a person that enjoy being cooped up. my natural self is one that likes to be free, to move around when i want to, to interact, to be trusted, to do what i want, to influence people. perhaps this natural self is what people usually allude to as the character/ personality of horses - be it the sagittarius or the fire horse that i am.

i have been reading about stress management lately and seemed to show many of the behavioural signs that people under heavy stress exhibit. this include forgetfulness, substance abuse, withdrawal, feeling lonely, disturbed sleep patterns, body aches, and so on. and to manage stress, all resources i read talked about the need to adapt and to let go and move on if adapting is not an option. as i read these, i was reminded of concepts commonly mentioned in zen-teachings and also used by bruce lee - be like water, flow along, and when you experience obstacles, adapt to the shape, flow through it, or around it, move along.

some things i cannot let go, some things i can. and where i can, new stresses will appear, but i suspect these new stresses will evoke a creative response and not one that stifles me. and where i cannot let go, i need to simply find ways to flow around it. let me reflect on this further and i think i can find the answers.

and i must say this, as i type, things has already became a little clearer!

:-)

picture from http://numenrecords.co.uk/