part of me died

i am venting. i need the space to just write and vent.

i must admit, i have been in a state where i am angry and still pouting. in fact, i don't think i have been more angry with him in our 9-years together. i felt he has gone way too far this time round. i still cannot accept that fact that when he was overseas, he did not call back and neither did he switch on his phone. i still cannot accept the fact that such actions come from him. this was the longest time in our 9-years together where we did not contact each other. where was the considerations for me when he was overseas? didn't he think i would be worried?

for me personally, regardless of where i go, i will make sure i tell him and to keep in contact with him. so i totally cannot comprehend his actions. yes, he kept telling me that he was there for work and nothing else. i can accept that although i find it hard to believe. his actions did not commensurate with claims. to me, there was only so much time where work occurs. other than time, when one is overseas, the only other things that can happen is sleep and have fun. and coupled with this highest degree of secrecy and not telling me who he went with, where he went to and his departure/ arrival dates/ times, i cannot help but feel totally anxious, jealous, angry, etc. am i wrong to feel this way? i don't think so. and why am i feeling this way? i reflected and i can only say this - he matters to me. and becos he matters to me, the following can explain some of the emotions that i felt...

firstly, jealousy. why jealousy? for a start, i have always been uneasy with him heading overseas with his gay friends. and much as i could eventually accept that he would be there for work, i still cannot reconcile the fact that his trips were always so sudden and secretive. the fact that he is secretive about it reinforces the suspicions i have that things are more than just work. and this brings me to my second point, insecurity.

i am insecure. yes, i am. it takes a lot of strength to say this, but over time i have come to terms with the fact that i am insecure. there is still a part of me that acknowledge i do feel inferior in many areas. and stemming from this insecurity, i am conscious and very very uncomfortable when he keeps things away from me, why can he not be open with his thought with me, why is he behaving in such a manner that seemed very secretive. this is perhaps one area that i need to address. but much as i recognise i need to give him the space, i still need him to help by giving me the assurance that he is still there for me. i don't get this many a times. the many times where i am faced with lack of information, inability to contact him, etc. and often this led to oscillations of emotional states between insecurity and anger.

i get angry. and this anger is both directed inward as well as towards him. last week when i get absolutely no answer from him and the inability to contact him, my emotional state swung like crazy. i was initially angry with myself for my inability to let go and to give him the space. but with prolonged inability to contact him, i started getting anxious and worried about his safety. and my anger became directed towards myself for not being able to help him in his times of need. and i started wondering if my approach of not giving in to help him further financially was the right thing to do. but this inward anger was quickly directed towards him again... it just kept building up.

and when all three emotions came together, it was so overwhelming for me that i find myself getting anxious and depressed and that i started to behave very illogically. i was checking my phones every few seconds/ minutes. i couldn't sleep, i was a total mess caught in a potent mix of anger, jealousy, and insecurity. everything came to an end when his text came in in the evening. i was so overwhelmed. and when we spoke that evening, i was trembling as i screamed and berated him over the phone. he had gone too far this time round.

he tried to defend his action and claimed that he did try to call and text me many times but couldn't get through. he also said that he didn't bring his phone out becos there was water throwing during songkran and he didn't want to risk getting his phone wet. to me, i didn't buy any of the explanation for i insisted that in today's day and age, there is no way he cannot get to me if he really wants to. you don't need more than a few seconds to make a call. to me, it seemed to suggest that i was never in his mind at all. that even if he was there for work, i did not feature in his mind when he was off-work, i.e. when he was having fun. perhaps he sensed the magnitude of my anger for he just said "sorry". 

i must admit, i was totally numbed and dead emotionally after the conversation that evening. perhaps it was becos i was so overwhelmed, but i really was so exhausted and drained. and through the week, i noted he tried to be more proactive in texting me, but i have been very cold to him. i must say i am still not fully recovered from the few days of emotional swings. i still cannot accept and did not sense even an iota of effort from him to assure me he is ok. and frankly, i must say, a large part of me died that night. it died when i realised that after 9-years together and calling ourselves partners, family, etc, i did not feature in his mind when he was enjoying himself with his gay friends, throughout the 4 days and nights.

for now, i am trying to put this whole thing behind me. but he still matters to me. i can move forward in this relationship but i will need him to do his part and to assure and convince me that he still want to be part of it. i need him to be more transparent. and when he leaves for such trips again, i expect him to tell me the date/ time of departures and arrival, where he will be going and to keep in contact. all things being equal, this would at least allow me to know he is safe. we keep our family members informed of our whereabouts. this, to me, is a natural thing to do. it is part of our considerations for our family members. that they do not worry when we are away. and i don't think it is unreasonable for me to ask for this to be done. i hate to impose but i will if i am forced to. i can be cold and harsh if i want to. don't force me to do it. it is unpleasant for me to do it but i can.

for now, he must put in the efforts to signal to me that i matter to him.

the ball is totally in his court now.