me as a tortoise

trouble with job, cleared of name, quit job, find job, committed his life savings, all within one week. despite all the advise i gave. seemed like it was either not heeded or too late. struck me as impulsive. but well, not for me to say i guess. felt like i was nothing, not part of a whole. no use giving all the advise. not even worth being consulted. and nothing beat being made to feel you have been lied to again. regardless of the fact that i was only supposed to be told of the decision once things are settled. no. not my way, it's such a huge decision. i should be part of the process. keeping me out of the process would mean i was not worth the trust. and to find out the details from other people by accident was fucking depressing. the feelings i felt 3 years ago just flood back. it was superbly intense. feelings of depression. after all the trust placed and the concerns.

might as well... somehow, i hate the feeling that in the end, it is back to myself. the closest person do not seem to understand. it's things like this that make me built walls. walls around myself. for self-protection. just want to revert to my tortoise-self again. to retreat into my shell. no mood to engage or to talk to anyone. not for a while.