i remember blogging abt pseudonyms sometime back in my fridae account. anyway, pseudonyms are something that most of us use in order to mask our real self, for whatever reasons - protect ourselves, protect our family, protect... whatever. even i myself have used another name for myself, and on top of that, adopt a pseudo-persona... well, ok, for me, not a pseudo-persona per se. but rather, a persona of my own self, but 5 years back in time. you see, growing up gay was not easy. and up till when i came out at age 30, i had hung around at gay cruising places and would introduce myself as terence and in order not to lie (it's against my value system i guess), terence would be me, me as in the me that lived 5 years earlier. and it was all true. but in a way, i was also living a dual life. something that i had to juggle between my day `straight' self and my night gay self. after coming out at 30, i started to use my own name when i introduce myself. enough of living a dual life.
anyway, one key reason why i am reflecting on all these was becos i had recently got to know a friend during my weekly tanning sessions. i had seen him, and he me, for a very long time. and somehow, we never spoke. on my part, it was just not me to speak to strangers. not to mention speaking to someone at that tanning place. feels kinda weird, kinda dodgy... well... anyway, recently, i decided that i had enough of it and decided that i should try to make a friend out of him. well... he introduced himself as ryan. we exchanged numbers and had since smsed each other once a while. and ryan became my friend. and ryan he was. until today.
met ryan again yesterday and we had a very good chat. we chatted about life, about views of life... about things in general. and somehow the topic drifted to bfs. through the conversation, found out that his bf is in the same line as my bee. i was curious to know more of him. thought he was a very nice person and very easy to talk to. but decided not to push further. anyway today, found out that his bf also knows a good friend of ours. our conversation through the sms led him to eventually reveal his real name to me. and he apologized to me. hoping that i wouldn't take offense. for a short while, i realized that this friend, whom i have come to be able to chat so well with has all along been only a pseudo-friend. not a real friend.
i had quite a few thoughts about this whole issue. i understood why he had used a pseudonym. no, i didn't feel offended. i am sure he had his reasons for using another name. just like i did many years back. and in fact, i felt kinda glad. glad that i had won his trust to share his real name with me. and very happy that i had finally made a real friend. and that i can get to know more of this real person in time to come.
:-)
anyway, one key reason why i am reflecting on all these was becos i had recently got to know a friend during my weekly tanning sessions. i had seen him, and he me, for a very long time. and somehow, we never spoke. on my part, it was just not me to speak to strangers. not to mention speaking to someone at that tanning place. feels kinda weird, kinda dodgy... well... anyway, recently, i decided that i had enough of it and decided that i should try to make a friend out of him. well... he introduced himself as ryan. we exchanged numbers and had since smsed each other once a while. and ryan became my friend. and ryan he was. until today.
met ryan again yesterday and we had a very good chat. we chatted about life, about views of life... about things in general. and somehow the topic drifted to bfs. through the conversation, found out that his bf is in the same line as my bee. i was curious to know more of him. thought he was a very nice person and very easy to talk to. but decided not to push further. anyway today, found out that his bf also knows a good friend of ours. our conversation through the sms led him to eventually reveal his real name to me. and he apologized to me. hoping that i wouldn't take offense. for a short while, i realized that this friend, whom i have come to be able to chat so well with has all along been only a pseudo-friend. not a real friend.
i had quite a few thoughts about this whole issue. i understood why he had used a pseudonym. no, i didn't feel offended. i am sure he had his reasons for using another name. just like i did many years back. and in fact, i felt kinda glad. glad that i had won his trust to share his real name with me. and very happy that i had finally made a real friend. and that i can get to know more of this real person in time to come.
:-)
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