today, my past revisited me. sometime late morning, 1022am to be exact, i received a call from a number that i didn't recognize. it was not me to answer calls from unknown callers. but somehow, i decided to pick this call. the person asked for me and then asked me to guess who he is. admittedly, i felt a little annoyed. never liked being put in such a situation - answer correctly u're ok, but if u answer wrongly, u risk being teased or worst, make the opposite party feel offended.
anyway, i curtly answered - sorry, i've never been good at guessing so you better tell me who you are. and promptly the reply came - "i'm roger". there was a momentary silence. admittedly, i was dumbfounded for a split second... and once i regained myself, we exchanged some pleasantries. and i admit it was rather awkward. it was a sudden reminder of someone whom i had been very close to during my college days and all the angst that follow and how we eventually parted ways. on hindsight, it was rather drama. till then, i had never met anyone whom i was able to share so much and spent so much time with in my life. i was not aware of my sexuality at that time. but all i knew was that we got along very well and he was the first person whom i had very intense feelings for. so, is he my `first love'? maybe, maybe not. hmmm... anyway, we maintained a secret `relationship' that escaped our common friend's eyes. our `relationship' lasted till i went to sent him off for his national service. things got complicated when there were common friends and we eventually drifted. the last time we met was when we were in uni first year (aug/sep 1987). these were things that i had put away for a long time. and all of a sudden, here he is again... now married with 2 kids. he too felt awkward. the conversation lasted no more than 3-4min. and soon enough, he told me that we should correspond thru email (yes, i know it is weird, but i guess email is the best way as it allows us to `talk', organise/ reorganise our thoughts properly before clicking `sent').
so we hung up. and just today alone, we have exchanged 2 emails. rather lengthy ones. thru the mails, he admitted he felt awkward to be contacting me again after all these years but decided to do so. i replied similar. and i could sense the very quick warming up from our email content. in reading his emails, and in my response, i could also sense there were many things that he wanted to say (not too sure if i am too sensitive) but had not made explicit... and certainly, the content of our emails was not typical of what simple friends would write to each other and, not to mention, what men would put in writing. kinda emo and kinda mushy. somehow, there was some kind of depth, yet not expressed... well, not too sure how to describe it. but given that he is not aware of my being gay, i decided to just leave things as it is and not go into the details altho i have hinted it.
am not sure how things are going, but i guess if the opportunity arises, i will come out to him. it's perhaps the right thing to do. and it would perhaps be something that i should make it clear so that there would be no misunderstandings between us. and, i supposed there is nothing to lose for me right? after all he has disappeared from my life for the last 21 plus years. and disappearing again would probably not make me miss him much more than how i had felt when we separated. hmmm...
will write about him sometime...
anyway, i curtly answered - sorry, i've never been good at guessing so you better tell me who you are. and promptly the reply came - "i'm roger". there was a momentary silence. admittedly, i was dumbfounded for a split second... and once i regained myself, we exchanged some pleasantries. and i admit it was rather awkward. it was a sudden reminder of someone whom i had been very close to during my college days and all the angst that follow and how we eventually parted ways. on hindsight, it was rather drama. till then, i had never met anyone whom i was able to share so much and spent so much time with in my life. i was not aware of my sexuality at that time. but all i knew was that we got along very well and he was the first person whom i had very intense feelings for. so, is he my `first love'? maybe, maybe not. hmmm... anyway, we maintained a secret `relationship' that escaped our common friend's eyes. our `relationship' lasted till i went to sent him off for his national service. things got complicated when there were common friends and we eventually drifted. the last time we met was when we were in uni first year (aug/sep 1987). these were things that i had put away for a long time. and all of a sudden, here he is again... now married with 2 kids. he too felt awkward. the conversation lasted no more than 3-4min. and soon enough, he told me that we should correspond thru email (yes, i know it is weird, but i guess email is the best way as it allows us to `talk', organise/ reorganise our thoughts properly before clicking `sent').
so we hung up. and just today alone, we have exchanged 2 emails. rather lengthy ones. thru the mails, he admitted he felt awkward to be contacting me again after all these years but decided to do so. i replied similar. and i could sense the very quick warming up from our email content. in reading his emails, and in my response, i could also sense there were many things that he wanted to say (not too sure if i am too sensitive) but had not made explicit... and certainly, the content of our emails was not typical of what simple friends would write to each other and, not to mention, what men would put in writing. kinda emo and kinda mushy. somehow, there was some kind of depth, yet not expressed... well, not too sure how to describe it. but given that he is not aware of my being gay, i decided to just leave things as it is and not go into the details altho i have hinted it.
am not sure how things are going, but i guess if the opportunity arises, i will come out to him. it's perhaps the right thing to do. and it would perhaps be something that i should make it clear so that there would be no misunderstandings between us. and, i supposed there is nothing to lose for me right? after all he has disappeared from my life for the last 21 plus years. and disappearing again would probably not make me miss him much more than how i had felt when we separated. hmmm...
will write about him sometime...
2 comments:
Its odd rite that he call after so many years? BTW, your number has not changed since 21 years ago? hmmm. I am sure he called for a reason. Probably to talk about something. He will probably tell you once he has warmed up.
ha ha... no la... 21yrs ago, we were keeping contact with ea other via land lines. that time, no hap handphone. not even pagers :) well, he has been in contact with my jc classmate and it was only recently that he asked for my number. and after sometime, then he decided to call me...
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