i am now looking at a letter opener that ks gave me for my 18th birthday. on it was inscribed "jefferey". and whenever i look at it, i would be reminded of him, and my disappointment when he gave it to me :-) he was the last person i had expected to spell my name wrongly. but this misspelling made this gift even more special. i had kept this letter opener all these years and would take it out once a while to look at it. to be reminded of him - my confidante, an elder brother i never had, or perhaps my alter-self... i don't know. it's been 21 years plus since we last saw each other. and this week, he appeared in my life again. his re-emergence caught me by surprise.
yes, it's been an interesting week... interesting for the fact that quite a bit of my past caught up with me. and other than ks, i also met tk this morning - another of my junior college pal. was walking towards feng shan market for breakfast with bee and bumped into tk. he's been living in the states for many years and had just arrived home early this morning for his chinese new year home visit. such coincidence. seemed like i always bump into him whenever he returns... ok, tk is another story...
anyway, yes, back to ks. his appearance over the past couple of days was one helluvan experience. the exchange of emails, coming out to him, talking about our past and so on... old memories that i had kept in a corner close to heart all came back. i was again reminded of the `group', the emotions, the anger, the jealousy, the sense of betrayal, of being ostracized, of being the subject of emotional abuse, and so on... and how i had made some wrong assumptions and had perhaps wrongly vented my anger on him eventually. 21 years of separation followed. in the last couple of days, all these memories came back again. but no, although i was reminded of these emotions, i don't feel them now. they had disappeared with time. what remains was the warmth and the familiarity of someone whom i was so close to during my college days. someone whom i had so look up to so much back then. and it still feel good communicating with him. with a bit of apprehension admittedly. it's been so long after all...
from the many emails that was received and replied over last couple of days, it seemed like he has not changed much. there is a lot of truth in the saying that it is easier to move mountains that for people's character to change. from our email correspondence, although i was able to read inconsistencies in his replies, i do not think he was lying per se. rather, i think it was a case of perhaps better leaving some things unsaid. those were the past after all. or perhaps he could possibly still feel a little uncomfortable to share emo stuff with me now that he knows i am gay. whatever the reasons, i i think i'm such an emotional sucker :-) on one hand, i'd say it's the past and that there's no need to revisit, but on the other hand, it felt so good bringing it up again. to reminisce, to be reminded again of things familiar, of things close to heart.
whatever the case, with age, i think we feel the need to revisit some parts of our past. for reasons only known to ourselves - closure, warmth, answers, whatever... and insofar as managing our communications, age and maturity helps. i think i am wiser now. clarity is necessary to prevent unnecessary misunderstandings. i think i have lost 21 years of quality friendship with ks due to lack of good communications leading to misunderstandings. a new window of opportunity to continue this friendship appeared this week. let's see if it can be sustained now that we are older - and perhaps more mature.
yes, it's been an interesting week... interesting for the fact that quite a bit of my past caught up with me. and other than ks, i also met tk this morning - another of my junior college pal. was walking towards feng shan market for breakfast with bee and bumped into tk. he's been living in the states for many years and had just arrived home early this morning for his chinese new year home visit. such coincidence. seemed like i always bump into him whenever he returns... ok, tk is another story...
anyway, yes, back to ks. his appearance over the past couple of days was one helluvan experience. the exchange of emails, coming out to him, talking about our past and so on... old memories that i had kept in a corner close to heart all came back. i was again reminded of the `group', the emotions, the anger, the jealousy, the sense of betrayal, of being ostracized, of being the subject of emotional abuse, and so on... and how i had made some wrong assumptions and had perhaps wrongly vented my anger on him eventually. 21 years of separation followed. in the last couple of days, all these memories came back again. but no, although i was reminded of these emotions, i don't feel them now. they had disappeared with time. what remains was the warmth and the familiarity of someone whom i was so close to during my college days. someone whom i had so look up to so much back then. and it still feel good communicating with him. with a bit of apprehension admittedly. it's been so long after all...
from the many emails that was received and replied over last couple of days, it seemed like he has not changed much. there is a lot of truth in the saying that it is easier to move mountains that for people's character to change. from our email correspondence, although i was able to read inconsistencies in his replies, i do not think he was lying per se. rather, i think it was a case of perhaps better leaving some things unsaid. those were the past after all. or perhaps he could possibly still feel a little uncomfortable to share emo stuff with me now that he knows i am gay. whatever the reasons, i i think i'm such an emotional sucker :-) on one hand, i'd say it's the past and that there's no need to revisit, but on the other hand, it felt so good bringing it up again. to reminisce, to be reminded again of things familiar, of things close to heart.
whatever the case, with age, i think we feel the need to revisit some parts of our past. for reasons only known to ourselves - closure, warmth, answers, whatever... and insofar as managing our communications, age and maturity helps. i think i am wiser now. clarity is necessary to prevent unnecessary misunderstandings. i think i have lost 21 years of quality friendship with ks due to lack of good communications leading to misunderstandings. a new window of opportunity to continue this friendship appeared this week. let's see if it can be sustained now that we are older - and perhaps more mature.
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