mid-life realities

too many things in my mind this morning and just want to write things down. my thoughts are incoherent as it is, but i just need to pen things down. i am at the point in life where i have to face up to certain realities. and amidst these realities, i have to make specific choices, choices that would balance my current realities yet might impact my future.  here's some of these... 

• i know there are things that i need to simply know and just leave them alone and not be too bothered by them. yet i know that if i do not bother about them, i will end up picking the shit. and that would impact my abilities to live normally. and so, i have to many a times make conscious choice to sacrifice my quality of life in order to preserve my quality of life. sounds contradicting? well, take for example, i have to many a times sacrifice my abilities to go out with friends and/ or do what i want and spend time with mum cos i know for a fact that if i leave her alone over a prolonged period, i might end up with her going mental and i have to pick up the pieces and manage her emotional swings/ tantrums. and when that happens, my sanity would be badly affected.

• i have made conscious decisions to leave my job cos i felt i was not able to fit into the culture and the leadership. and my boss telling me that my mum is a problem (and that he cannot allow my mum to affect my quality of work, made me decided to eventually pack up and leave (and for the record, i totally disagree with him) despite knowing that it would impact be financially. such a decision is at the expense of my career development but i decided to do it in the longer interest of keeping my sanity.

• i have gone further to take a 6-month break to take care of mum up to the point of leaving me totally no savings. yet this decision is deliberate knowing that it would be lost opportunity once mum become totally incapable mentally once her dementia gets full-blown. following the break, i have taken a job that allows me to balance my annual finance sheet with hardly any savings. and i do so cos i have decided to be near home, where i can respond to mum quickly if need be, and also my current job allows me to have a more balanced life. i do all these at the expense of my future cos i know i will hardly be able to build any savings. but it is something i have to do. 

most importantly, i am at the point in life where i feel less energetic and has a lower drive (perhaps i am just tired) and admittedly, to a certain extent, admit that i do not have to motivation nor desire to push myself anymore. and i know there are issues related largely to finances that i know i might not be able to handle when i get older. how do i finance my well-being once age-related issues appear? will i become like mum when i get older? when the time comes, who will be there for me? who will help me make decisions once i lose that capacities/ capabilities? the commitment of most of my resources to manage the old and sick certainly is at the expense of my own sustainability when my time comes. the answer must come from me. and the answer lie somewhere in financial planning and living a responsible and balanced life today. yet on the other hand, i feel so drained as it is. and i really don't want to think about money issues, or for that matter, any issues for now.