meaningful @ work

was supposed to supervise a visit to tokyo (a study trip that was conducted last week) but due to my dad's demise, i had to hand over the responsibilities to my colleague. so i missed the trip and was a bit disappointed. i had been involved in all the planning over the past couple of months. but looking on a bright side, it was a restful two weeks when my students and colleagues were away.

anyway, everyone returned from the trip over the weekend and these two days had been tremendously busy. suddenly, a flurry of events occured... and we had to rush through the final preparations for the end of the course next week. report writings, interviewing students, and so on. but i must say that i do find the hectic schedule very meaningful and purposeful. the interactions with my students and seeing how their face light up during these interactions certainly gave me the motivation to push on.

and today, i was very pleasantly surprised when one of my students came to my office and gave me a bag of snacks and a souvenir from tokyo. also, one of the support staff whom i had supervised came up to my office and gave me a pack of japanese post cards. rather touched by their gestures. they remembered me when they were there... so sweeeeeettt!

:-)

worms

arghhhh! so irritating. got a infected by an msn worm two nites ago... and it was becos i was too quick to click on a file sent via the msn. and now i have trouble trying to get rid of it! anyone can help?

:-(

m'ries of florida

this is my 51st post for this month. and it is dedicated to the 51 medals that china won in the beijing olympics. and so, this will be my last post for this month too.

nothing reminds me more of florida than hurricanes. and at this time every year, whenever i hear news of hurricanes, i would recall my really scary yet very interesting hurricane experiences in 2004. experiences that brought be running off to miami, to new york, to key west, and for one of them, to hide in my room... i survived them all... for me, it was not the running away that was tired. rather, it was the constant worry and fear that was most tiring.

this year, fay was the first that made me sit up. it came and went. and now we have gustav... while gustav reminded me of the strength and the horrors hurricanes could bring, it was fay that reminded me of my experiences most. the path of hurricane fay, with the high probability of hitting naples, was rather similar to that frances (if i recall correctly) took. it was projected to hit tampa where i stayed, but in the end, made an acute turn and slammed into punta gorda instead. it was sad. sad that it slammed into an area that had many old retired people. i had taken refuge in miami hollywood and took hw 75 back via naples. and what i saw on my way home was very sad. charley had totally devastated the areas around punta gorda. even huge highway signs (much larger that those we have at our expressways) were ripped apart. rooftops too were ripped off. it look almost like a scene from a hollywood movie, except that it was real.

these experiences made me appreciate our singapore weather. weird. erratic. but not extreme.

mourning - part 2

a family plus one affair
just returned from the 3rd x 7th day prayers for my dad. as usual, my 2nd aunt was there. she had cooked his favourite chicken curry and made ngoh hiang. and as usual she was full of comments... etc, etc, etc... many a times i had tension with her for what i felt was her over-involvement with my dad's funeral and post-funeral arrangements. i always felt that this should be something that is managed by my family - family as defined by `my mum and my dad's descendants'. so, to me, my aunt is an elder and as an elder, she should not go further than to take a step back and let us manage our family's internal affairs. and as my aunt, she should only give suggestions if we ask or if things go really out of hand (of which none of this sort has happened so far). or perhaps my brother had spoken with her... will give her the benefit of doubt here.

then again, she is now asking me for details of the funeral accounts such as which relative gave how much for the wake. her rationale was that knowing this would allow her to calibrate how much she should give in return if and when someone from the other side passes on... personally, i felt that this kinda details should be kept within my immediate family.

to ease my tension, i kept telling myself that she was doing all these as she felt it was part of her duty and she had treated herself (presumptuously if i might say) as part of the inner circle of my family. so, seeing from this perspective, i held back any comments that i had and take it that i should feel happy to have an aunt that is so close... hmmmph... and so, what was supposed to be my family's internal affair had been indirectly turned into my family plus one affair... (and of cos i can expect her son to be there too... so it's a plus one and a half affair)...

there is nothing wrong with all these except that now my brother has gone to the point of excluding my sisters in these prayers and had involved my aunt instead. my 2nd sis called up this morning asking what time today's prayers was. she had wanted to be involved as part of the family. when she called, we were at the columbarium. i could sense her disappointment and had to give the excuse that the 21st and 35th-days prayers are of lesser importance. as such, they need not be there. will see how i can involve them for the 49th and 100th day prayers. considered as more important and milestone prayers of the mourning period. i must make sure they attend these 2 days so that all members in my immediate family can have a proper closure to this chapter.

hmmmppphhh!!!

best of both worlds?

quick reflection on bisexuality after one of my bisexual friend spoke with me yesterday about his tensions. and this post is dedicated to him.

if you are straight, you get to enjoy the best of the straight world. and if you are gay, you get to enjoy the best of the gay world. so by this logic, if you are bisexual, you get to enjoy the best of both the straight and the gay worlds. no? logical chain of argument rite? but how true is this? another way to look at it could possibly be that if you are bisexual, you also get to experience the worst of both worlds... and worst still, have to balance managing the straights with the gays and the gays with the straights...

well, matter of perspectives i guess. half full or half empty.

and whatever it is, my conclusion about life still stands - (does not matter whether you are straight or gay or bisexual), as long as you are happy. as long as you find meaning in your life.

be happy.

catching up

made a deliberate decision to initiate, organise and meet up with friends these couple of weeks. not very me to initiate but decided that it will be a good thing to do to occupy my time and to connect/ re-connect with friends. it was good. good to catch up. good to re-connect.

went for a japanese dinner with larry last week. expensive dinner but good food and good company. yesterday, met up with some of my friends who used to work in my same set-up but had left after being called up and questioned about their sexuality. again, i was glad to see them doing very well and now very happy outside. often, i think the organisation oversell itself too much and try to convince people that they will not survive if they leave. heck with it. later will be meeting up with thomas and francis for dinner. our first dinner together.

:-)

asics shoes

took a walk at queensway shopping center yesterday and finally bought a pair of asics running shoes to replace my 3-4 yr old addidas shoes. need a new pair that can support my bad ankle. have put off buying a new pair as i was too lazy (to buy and to exercise). and last week while at the canteen, i chanced upon an old friend who looked at my pronation as i walked and suggested that i better replace my shoes so that i can minimize any possibility of further injuring my ankles...

so hopefully, now with this pair of shoes, i can start my exercise proper and lead a more healthy life.

:-)

grooming sapphie

just completed grooming sapphie. it can be such a huge task, especially since she has rather thick fur... some of the things i did today include removing tartar from her teeth, trimming her coat of fur and cutting her nails.

have not been able to find animal dentist and have been removing tartar for her myself over the past years. it can be a very tricky business and i don't suggest anyone do it unless you are very familiar with your dog. sapphie listens to me and i could have my way with her. she would lie with her head on my lap, open her mouth and let me use a metallic object (usually a pair of scissors) to scrap her teeth. the difficult teeth are her molars... located rite at the back and usually i would need to pry her mouth wide open to be able to reach it. when she gets uncomfortable, she would try to close her jaws... (sounds familiar rite?) and i would usually place my thumb between her top and lower molars to let her bite onto it. this usually helps. and of cos, the tartar removal is not foolproof. not a dentist myself but i hope with whatever i do, i will be able to extend the lifespan of her teeth. and i think it is working cos she's already 8 plus and apart from one single molar that looked decayed, every other teeth are still very healthy. this as compared to some other dogs that suffer worn out teeth as early as 5 or 6 years of age.

as for her fur, that is a whole lot of different problem. she sheds a lot (especially her down hair) and it would layer the whole floor. so if i do not sweep my floor for a day or two, it would look like i have a new carpet in the house. that is the reason why i restrict her from going into my bedroom. and to manage this, grooming her regularly is needed. just earlier, i had trimmed her fur. now she looked like someone who has just walked out of the barber. nice and neat.

sapphie's nails can be a killer if not trimmed. many dog grooming books suggest that dogs' nails would naturally be trimmed if they exercise regularly. as for sapphie, this natural trimming is not sufficient. the natural friction against the floor from her daily exercise only end up with some nails being shortened. there are still those that need further trimming such as those of her first toe (that will never be in contact with the ground). and trimming toe nails are so important in order to prevent her from scratching you when she jumps on you!

perhaps in the next day or two, will give her a bathe. this should complete the overall grooming needed for her... at least for the next two weeks or so.

:-)

mooncake 08

this year, i will not be able to celebrate mooncake festival as i am still technically in mourning. so for the first time after many years, i am not able to give mooncakes to james' family, my god-daughter's family, my close friends, and so on. have also left message with james to explain to his parents and also to relay the message of my dad's passing to them. similarly, i will not be able to celebrate some of my friend's birthday celebrations including min yee's dinner this coming sunday.

some of my friends asked if they should check with min yee (in the case of the birthday dinner) or the families (in the case of the mooncake) as to whether they mind. but i think it is not right. even if he/they are not superstitious and do not mind, i will end up feeling that i have not given enough respect or considerations to them.

so, better to just avoid these celebrations for 49 days (up till 27 sep) or for the next 3 months or so - to be exact, 100 days (up till 17 nov). such avoidance is probably not just for myself, but it is also out of respect for my friends and their family.

happiness & finding meaning in life

spoke with ps for the first time two nites ago. she smsed me and asked if it was convenient to call. guessed she wanted some assurance. she was troubled. bought her a book that nite. hope it helped her.

think i'm quite an uncle agony. seemed like lots of my friends never fail to call me to ask for advice. but ironically, i often find myself troubled lots of times too. think i should be less pent-up. think i should learn to let go. perhaps be less caring...
ok, am talking nonsense now...

think i should really go shopping later.

:-)

on leave

i am on leave today and my mind is running wild with lots of negative things. damned it!

think i'll go shopping later.

i miss my dad

:-(

escape

sometimes, not knowing the truth is less hurtful than knowing. cos when you get to know the details eventually, you will end up feeling like an idiot and realizing that you have been lied to. no matter what the reasons are and what the intentions are, it is still not the truth.

happened again. never learned my lesson.

went to the bank to remove my own rights to the account. not knowing how money flows is a good way to avoid creating tensions for myself.

milestone 40

this is the 40th posting this month and this is also the most postings i have ever done in any one month since i started blogging.

when i started, it was for me to use it as my personal journal. but as i continued blogging, i began to appreciate blogging as it allowed me to also learn about myself and for me to keep my friends updated about my life and its happenings.

thus, i would say, blogging has allowed me to have internal conversations with myself as well as to make it a conversational platform with my friends or anyone who is interested to read about my life. and the realisation that this conversations allows me to connect (with myself as well as the larger community) spurs me to continue blogging.

:-)

central locking 3

went back to the repair shop two hours later. car was not repaired. was told by the shop assistant that the spare part was `on it's way'. didn't feel too happy about it. it's been 2hrs and it's still on the way... 2hrs would have given me enough time to drive around sgp two rounds! perhaps they have called some jb car accessory shop for the parts and awaiting for custom clearance? i got more and more angry thinking of all the possibilities. but kept telling myself not to jump to conclusions and to hold my cool.

i went for a walk/ jog.

when i came back half hr later, still no car parts. decided to sit in my car and read the newspaper. i kept wanting to tell the mechanic to reassemble my car and for me to drive off. but decided i should wait a bit longer. half hour later, the boss drove up in his van. came up to me. he apologized and told me that he had ran around 6 other shops but all did not have the spare part. he told me that only the agent has it and i could either get it from the agent for them or to have it retrofitted by the agent. his assistant then re-assembled all the parts.

i thanked him for the assistance and drove off. i was not charged a single cent for it. thinking back, i was glad i held my cool.

so here i am. back to square one. but at least i know now that i should go back to the agent.

:-)

pantang 2

i wrote about lots of bad stuff happening in the month of the hungry ghost aka seventh month sometime back. well, so far, my dad has passed on, my mum has had a mild heart failure.

wonder how much more worst things will get...

a week more to go before the month ends...

heart failure

yesterday, my mum told me her legs were swollen and that my brother would be taking her to the clinic today. just a couple of minutes ago, i recieved an sms from my brother. it went "mum has had a mild heart failure. just been discharged from sgh a&e and had been advised to control her food and salt intake. she has been referred to national heart center for further evaluation". this was followed very quickly by a second sms. it went "if not controlled well, she will experience heart failure. but if controlled well, it will take a very long time for it to happen or it might not happen"...

i forwarded the sms to bee, my bro-in-law and my 2nd sis. my 2nd sis' response was - "jia lat, what like tat?"... i supposed it was a case of getting on with old age and where the body had begun the process of deterioration. we will all hit this state sometime in our lives. and for now, with this development, we will have to pay even more attention to mum.

i was reminded of my words to mum when i brought her for indonesian dinner last fri. on hindsight, i thought it was very apt. i said "whatever you need to eat, you better eat. else, when your body begins to fail you, and you need to observe strict diet controls, it will be too late..."

i guess that time has arrived.

sighs.

central locking 2

went to look around the industrial estate to repair my central locking. have looked around for a while and have not been able to find one that knows how to repair it. finally found one after asking a couple of shops today.

the mechanic came, unscrew lots of stuff. dismantle the door, dismantle the locking device... in the end, when he finally reached the part that had the problem, he didn't know how to open it. called his boss who started calling around. in the end, the boss told me he has to replace the whole locking unit. it cost s$130.

well, this amount was definitely lower than the s$300-400 i was told sometime back at the petrol kiosk... anyway, there was nothing much i could do but to say ok. so now, i am back in office waiting for the boss to call me. he said 2hrs. i hope nothing goes wrong.

idealistic vs realistic

what's ideal and what's real are often v different...
we learn to appreciate this line over time.

don't get me wrong. there is nothing wrong about being idealistic. but it must be managed with a huge dose of realism. many a times, idealistic people who aimed too high do not go through sufficient thoughts to break down their ideals into short and medium term goals. these goals are important as it helps give us a sense of perspective. it helps us chart our dreams and helps us translate them into milestones to strive towards. it also helps give us a sense of perspective to things. the line between dreams and fantasies can be very fine.

while we need dreams to push us, we also need to recognise what is real. often, this meant that we need to be practical. if we can balance this, we will be happy. this perhaps is the reason why many of us mellow as we grow older.

or does this sound so defeated? is this wat being mature is all about?

depends on perspective i guess.

cleaning

you can never understand how much housewives and domestic helpers go through until you do housework yourself. and i do not mean just simply housework. i mean real housework. the type that apart from the usual cleaning and washing, etc, also include digging into the dirtiest places and washing of every cracks and crevices you can think of - sinks, corners near the stove, doors, fans, areas under the bed, and so on.

i did all these over the past week and most of the weekend and i was amazed at the amount of dirt, grime, dust etc. and i am pretty sure it was only the tip of the iceberg. have been able to find time to do all these housework over the pass few days as mum had moved out and that it was raining most of the time. so, that means i need not cook, and neither could i go for my usual tan. so there, my life over the past weeks... boring, but in a way, therapeutic.

:-)

veggythomas

wrote about thomas some time back in may this year. found out that francis also know him and i have only recently started to talk more to him. surprisingly, thomas and francis came to the dad's wake recently. nice person. a bit shy and came across as aloof initially. francis has always been telling me to initiate the conversation or else thomas will just keep quiet. interestingly, we share the same mbti profile - isfj. found out about it in facebook :-) so that gives me a bit more confidence when it comes to talking to him. knowing his profile tells me that he is probably not aloof as i had thought. i am glad i finally got to know him.

background
as i mentioned, my free time on weekends would be spent tanning by myself at the beach. this was something i had done since early 90s. last year, sometime in sep/ oct, i noticed a fresh face - thomas. admittedly, i thought he was very cute, or perhaps it was cos he was a fresh face amidst the dwindling numbers of people over the years at the beach. i was very interested to know him. nothing beats getting to know a new friend in this rather homophobic society. and if possible to have someone to chat or even a tan buddy. but as usual, i get cold feet when it comes to initiating conversations and end up taking glances. and, many a times, i guessed i must have come across as cruising him (or perhaps i was... hahaha - bee bee will kill me for this). but i never got about talking to him. too shy. it hit a point when i thought he was offended by my stares and i had to pen an apology and placed on his windscreen when i left that place. i saw him a few more times and in time to come, i came to look for his car whenever i go tanning. and i would keep a look out for him and his car whenever i go tanning. once, he did not put sufficient car parking coupons and i ended up putting it for him (he eventually wanted to return one unused one to me... heh heh).

eventually, i plucked up my courage to say hello. it took another long painful few months before we exchanged numbers. and of cos another painful many months before i dare to msn him... and during these months, there were many things i learned about him - his job, his workplace, his dietary habits, his house, etc etc etc. now we have become msn buddies. nonetheless, i still think i will be too shy to be tan buddies with him.... heh :-) it would be rather awkward lo...

such was the tensions of trying to get to know more friends in the gay circle... ha.

changes in routines

all of us in the family has been slowly coming to terms with the recent happenings in my family. invariably, it had seen some changes to some of our routines. for me, i now have to go to work a bit later as i now have to bring my dog to pee in the morning, and similarly in the evenings, i have to rush home as early as i could to bring her for her evening walks/ pee too. at the same time, after clearing of all my dad's stuff (largely medications), there seemed to be a lot more space in the house now. it has taken me the last couple of days to do the clearing, cleaning and re-organising of stuff. somehow, the house seemed rather cold now...

central locking

my car central locking has been spoilt. it's been about a month i guess. understand that the motor is spoilt and needs to be changed. been too lazy to do it. think i am a huge proscratinator.

:-)

mum

the maid came on the day we went to collect dad's ashes. the maid was supposed to look after dad. now, given dad's demise, the maid will now look after mum. due to this, mum has decided to move in to brother's place. initially, i was rather disappointed as i had assumed that mum's moving out was due to her unhappiness with me (for whatever reasons). but i told myself it would not be productive to make such assumptions and that as long as she is happy, i will be happy.

i asked if she wanted to stay with my brother permanently henceforth when i met her on my dad's 7th day prayers. she said yes and cried. i know she was crying becos she was sad of my dad's demise, but i think my questions made her cry even more becos she had dramatise the whole issue of her moving out. this i concluded after she asked me to look after myself, that i should sleep early, not stay out late, etc etc etc. it was also at that moment that i could sense her reluctance to leave my place. i could also sense her worries about me. guess mothers are mothers after all. never ending worries about their children. and regardless of how old you are, you will always be a little boy in their eyes.

anyway, 2 days later, when i visited her at my brother's place, she told me that she will come back to stay at my place on weekends. that i should pick her up on fridays and sent her back to my brother's place either on mondays or tuesdays. the maid will also come along. well, i think this would be a win win solution for all of us. on one hand, she gets to see both her sons. on the other hand, her staying with me also allows my sisters to visit her. and of cos, she would be looked after by the maid.

nb: it would be interesting to see the maid's reaction when bee bee stays over and she see us together. wonder how she would take to it...

disinterest in work

why do i find myself rather disinterested in my work these days? is it cos i am just tired and bored? or due to the fact that the course is coming to an end? or simply cos i will be leaving my organisation soon?... i really do not know. but for now, all i know is that i am getting more and more detached from my work. i really enjoy the teaching and the contact. but i simply dislike the arrows, many of which i do not support nor agree. but i think one of the key contributor to my motivation is the fact that i felt discriminated in my organisation and this feeling would be played up time and again whenever i apply for overseas leave or when i manage materials that are deemed sensitive.

damned it!

neighbour chronicles 2

it's about my gay neighbours again. yesterday, the older one came to the kitchen, smiled and waved at me. took me by surprise after all these months of nonchalance...

germs

i recieved a very nice surprise today. it was an email from a dear friend who had moved to germany many years ago; and with whom i re-connected not too long ago when i came out to him (well... i think we both knew, but was a case of don't ask, don't tell). he has finally tied the knot with his other half! a civil union as it was termed. he titled his email - "it's a sin". i thought a better title would be "it's a celebration!".

in the email, two photos were attached. one showing them exchanging rings and the other posing outside a nice building and them holding a bouquet of flowers. very pretty! and for the very first time in so many years, i get to see his face again. he has put on some weight. and he looked great! always thought he was a bit underweight years back when we were in uni! they both looked radiant in the photos. it must have been a long and arduous journey for them to reach this. i envy them. how i wish we could do the same here.

well, this email brought a smile to me. quite rare for me these days considering the chain of not too pleasant events that happened recently. certainly felt very happy for him and his partner and i sincerely wish them well and long lasting happiness!

fatigue

i found myself getting tired to the point of feeling fatigue very easily these couple of days after the funeral. in fact, i was so damned tired, i would fall into a deep sleep by about 11-plus every nite. and to top it off, bee bee told me i snored in my sleep. i didn't even know when sapphie barked at about 3-plus in the middle of the nite 2 nights ago.

was it becos the feeling that one huge load had been lifted that eased the psychological stress that had allowed my to sleep so well? or was it the fact that since my mum had also moved into my brother's place, my worries of possible falls in the middle of the night is no longer there? or was it simply becos of the feeling of relief that the funeral is finally over? or could it be simply that i am about to fall sick?

whatever it was, i just want to recover and to move on in life.

of folklore & superstitions

am not sure how to position such experiences and stories but it certainly adds to the superstitions and beliefs of the lay-persons

• my dad, before dying, dreamt that his mum (my grandma) had visited him, sat him up at his bed, fed him and then put him back to bed. when my dad related this dream to my aunt, she feared that his time was up. within the same week, my dad died. the same dreams were related to us before my paternal grandma, my maternal grandma as well as the 3rd aunt died.

• my second sis had always believed that her star sign clashed with that of my dad's. since young, my dad had always dotted on my eldest sis more. so naturally, my second sis didn't feel as close to my dad. on the day he died, we had asked from the hospital to give him a second dose of morphine to ease his pain. as we were not around, it was my second sis that administered this second dose. she had been ridden with guilt since that she had delivered the final fatal dose. that she had killed him. coincidentally, the day my dad died was my second sis's birthday.

• my dad seemed to know that his time was up. on the day before he died, he held my mum's hand and told here that that would be the last time he would be seeing her. and before she left for home, he told her to take care of herself, especially her legs and said bye-bye to her. he also told me to take care of myself. and to my relatives who visited him hours before his death, he bade each and everyone of them goodbye. finally, amidst his painful screams, he asked that we quickly administer the morphine so that he could be rid of his pain.

• there was a belief that when the spirit leaves the body, it continues to stay near the body. during this period, it might take refuge in an insect. everyone relatives of mine remembered how a moth had stayed with us through the duration of my grandma's funeral. the same species of moth also appeared at my old house whenever we conduct our annual prayers to my grandma on her death anniversaries. and weirdly enough, my brother noted that there was this single housefly flying around the funeral parlour (i thought i was funny cos it might be becos of the presence of food). as a person schooled in science, this was certainly beyond me, but it certainly did provide some conversational piece for my brother, my mum and my aunt :-)

• my dad was a avid gambler - from 4d to shares. the same could be said of my brother. so naturally, whenever we did any prayers or offerings, my brother would ask for 4d from my dad. he would also rope us in to share in the bets. on the day the paper house and paper car came, my brother went to bet on the car number. it struck first prize on the same day. the 4 of us who shared in the bet got richer by close to 1k. my brother attributed this to my dad whom he said was happy cos i had bought him tau yew bak (pork belly stewed in soy sauce) after he appeared in my dream the night before and asked for it. tau yew bak was my dad's favourite food.
  

• there was a belief that the spirit would return on the seventh day to visit his family. so, on the seventh day, at about 6-plus in the morning and through the whole of the night, there was a very strong smell of scented incense in my brother's place. strangely enough, none of my brother's neighbours were known to use joss-sticks at home. my mum could only conclude that my dad had returned.
  

so? where do we place some of these coincidences? frankly, i was not sure. but one thing was for sure. to the living who believed in it, such occurences would continue to give them the soothing effect psychologically that the people they've loved and that had died will continue to be close to them. to watch over them. to bless them. and continue to be part of their lives.

mourning - part 1

a new beginning
sat 16 aug 08 was the 7th day of the funeral. on this day, more rites were conducted. this was the first of the series of rites to be conducted. in all 5 sessions had to be conducted - on the 7th day, 21st day, 35th day and on the 49th day. the most important being the 7th and the 49th day. the chinese believe that the deceased will return to his home to visit his family one last time before he leave them forever. this was also the day that the deceased will come to full realisation of his death. the 49th day is believed to be the day when the spirit of the deceased will be reborned.

once again, we gathered at the columbarium and did our prayers. mum came along too. and it was obvious that she was still coming to terms with dad's passing away. she sobbed and cried when she saw the niche. i guessed it will take sometime for her to accept the fact that her husband, my father, is no longer alive and is now kept in an urn behind the marble slab that bears his name.

wake & funeral - part 7

ashes to ashes, dust to dust
we went back to collect the ashes the following day after the cremation. after submitting the ash collection form and verifying our identity, we were given a box containing the ashes. we were brought to a room. more rites were conducted. my brother commented that for a man with such a huge frame, what remained after the cremation was rather pathetic. the attendant helped us sort out the ashes (well, it was more of remaining bone fragments) and showed us how to identify the bones. altho he was a 50-plus year old ah beng chek, he was really good at his work. in that short moments, he almost went through a whole lesson on human bone structure with my family. he singled out the cranium, the ulna, the radius, the hip bone, shoulder bone, etc. and nimbly, he picked out the fragments that belonged to the skull. he also shared that there were patches of green and orange on the bones becos dad had taken medicine in excessive amounts (not too sure of the scientific basis for this, but it was a fact that dad had taken lots of medication).

each of us were asked to place the 8 coins at the base of the urn for good luck. following this, we were asked to place a piece of his leg bone on the base of the urn. then all the bones were poured in before the skull bones were placed at the top. once done, the urn was closed. i was asked to do some prayers and to ask my dad to `move' to the crematorium. interestingly, we were given an old tradition chinese umbrella and asked to make sure that the urn do not `see' the sky. as the eldest son, i carried the urn. my brother carried the umbrella. we started the journey to transfer the urn to the choa chu kang columbarium. the monk was waiting for us at the columbarium to conduct more rites as we settle dad into his final resting place. offerings were made to the god of the earth. prayers were conducted.

this marked the final settling of my dad into his final resting place.

wake & funeral - part 6

final farewell

the last day before the funeral was a flurry of preparations. towels with red strings, flower and pomegranate water, huat kway, oranges, ang pows for coffin bearers, ang pows for guests, and so on, it was one thing after another. and as expected, directions from relatives came again and again. the final nite prayers were conducted. houses, joss papers, joss sticks, hell notes, etc were burned. the whole affair was rather sombre.

the final day came. the extended family arrived. the monk did the prayers. the glass opening of the coffin was closed finally after we bade our final farewell. tears flowed. we were told to look away as the coffin was loaded onto the vehicle. the procession took place. the thought that this would be the final journey made every step all the more important. as the eldest son, i was asked to take the passenger seat of the carriage vehicle. on me, i carried my dad's tablet. it symbolised the spirit of my dad. through the short journey from the funeral parlour to the crematorium, every time we crossed a bridge, i had to ask him to cross. and as i thought of the times i had spent with my dad, i cried.

at the crematorium, more friends and relatives were waiting. they were all shown to their seats. more rites were conducted and when he was finally wheeled into the furnace, all of us broke down. the wheeling of the coffin into the furnace was a rather dramatic process. it was totally computerised. and as it moved towards the furnace, the glass ceiling room darkened. i was told it was due to the auto-turning of the glass panels at the ceiling that sealed off some natural light thereby darkening the room. whatever it was, the effect was very good.

we made our way back to the funeral parlour again to pack up. buffet lunch had been ordered. for once, my aunt liked every dish ordered. huat kways and oranges were distributed and soon enough, we parted ways.

wake & funeral - part 5

re-connecting ties
the wake, as in all life-defining moments, was also a good time for us to rekindle old ties and discover ties that had always been there but never known. as my dad was very close to his siblings, the immediate extended family that comprised all my paternal aunts/ uncles and my cousins all turned up by the second day. it was also interesting that my 3rd uncle (the one that my grandma had given away when he was a baby) also turned up. i last met them some 20-over years ago. they have aged.

the third day was interesting too for my dad's cousin's (children of my grandpa's younger brother and sister) and their children (my second cousins) also turned up. names that sounded familiar but long forgotten crept up again. looking at how they wept when they viewed his body and how they reminisced about how my dad used to joke and play with them, and how my dad had called on them only a few months back, i was again reminded of how far my dad had gone to keep in contact with them. memories of my childhood days and how my dad would bring me to visit them came flooding back. i could no longer put a name to the face anymore. too many years have passed since i last met them.

this whole extended family thing was really interesting, not only for me, but also for some of my second cousins. i was called in to explain how each of us are related and how my nieces should address them. it was a heartwarming experience, even if it was for that moment during the wake.

similarly, the wake and funeral was also a time for long lost friends to reconnect and catch up. on the second nite, quite a few 50-plus year old uncles whom i had never met turned up to pay their respect. i came to learn that these were my uncle's friends. it was kinda weird to think that they had bothered to turn up to pay respect to someone they do not know. but reflecting, it dawned upon me that it was a cultural thing. and perhaps a generation thing. something that i think will not happen in my generation. these uncles were taxi drivers and they their presence was a show of support to my uncle. i mentioned how the wake was not only for my family and i but also for my extended family. their presence affirmed this. the same could be said of my friends. calls and smses of condolences came flooding in non-stop. friends from as far back as my ocs days, itd days some 20 over years ago called and some attended the wake.

the wake and funeral was as much a family affair as it was a time to friends to re-connect. it was a time for the extended family to re-affirm our blood ties. it was also a time for the community to lend their support to those related to the dead. granted that the story of how my dad died was repeated umpteen times. but it is this story that provided us the common platform to re-connect. reflecting, i ask - why must it be that we only meet during such occasions? after going through this last week, i am even more convinced that efforts need to be made to meet up, to show concern, for that matter, to just say `hi'.

wake & funeral - part 4

buying the final resting place
everyday of the wake, i had to open the funeral palour at 0830am. the morning rites would include purchasing breakfast for my dad, conduct some prayers and arrange the place in preparation for guests to arrive.

on the second day, after opening up the place, the funeral parlour had arranged for my brother and i to meet the agent to identify and purchase the niche at the columbarium. mum came along. we met the agent and after looking around, we decided on one particular niche - eugenia block 1, room 23, niche number 38. it was a double niche, that is, a niche meant for two. that would be my parent's permanent resting place. but for now, it would occupy my dad's ashes. and in time to come, my mum's. bringing mum along was also to allow mum the peace of mind that we had booked a good place for dad and her. after identifying the niche, we asked for her opinion. she looked at it, liked it and agreed. her blessings was the most important. the whole process was very straight forward and simple. once that was done, it was back to the funeral parlour.

wake & funeral - part 3

managing the living
the wake and funeral lasted 5 day, 3 days for the wake proper. my dad had wanted 3 days (inclusive of the funeral). but to do so would be too rush and not allow everyone to properly mourn his demise and to allow relatives and friends to pay their last respect (considering the day he passed away was considered day 1), we decided to hold a 5-day wake instead.

the news of dad's passing on spread fast and furious. by monday, all relatives (less my mum side - whom my dad had asked not to be told) had been informed. similarly, my colleagues had mass mailed my dad's demise i would say those whom i had worked with over the past 20 odd years had learned of the news by monday evening. the first to arrive for the wake came almost immediately after we seal the coffin. we were not even ready with the peanuts, sweets, etc. and before he left, i had to at least rush out a red string for him. such items are symbolic but to many of us chinese (especially businessmen), it is important.

to me, being buddhist, once the spirit leaves the body, it would be most important to do prayers to help the spirit move on. the body is nothing but a spent shell. it would of cos be most important to dispose of the body in a most respectful way. my dad has wanted a buddhist funeral. a buddhist funeral is rather straight forward and consist of lots of chanting and prayers. but becos of my family's taoist background and practices in ancestor worship, many demands came from my relatives - both in terms of the conduct as well as the form. everything that we did would surely be met with some form of comments or counter-sugggestions from aunties and uncles - comments of what ought to be done/ not done came fast and furious. "aiyah, you should cater dinner for first evening", "you should order stew meat pow", "you should buy huat kueh", "you should this and that...", simply no end. and every single one, i obliged. dutifully. to me, this whole process was not just for my dad. it was also for me and my family, especially my mum. it was also for my dad's siblings.

with regards my dad's siblings, i noted that many of the things asked were very taoist/ ancestor worhsip in origin such as buying and burning of joss papers, paper house, paper cars, maid and house attendant, gold and silver mountains, giving of towels, etc. considering their taoist background, it was to be expected i guess. but well, as i said, doing it would be an important way of allowing them their closure and a way to show them our respect. what mattered most was that they suggested these things out of good intentions and in fulfilling their request, we would also be allowing them peace of mind. to me, the rites for the dead was rather straight-forward, but it was managing the living that needed some strong attention for if not well managed, the downstream impact would be great.

as for my mum, she sat by the coffin thru the day. everyday. dutifully as a wife should, as she mourned her husband's demise. frequently, she would limp her way to my dad's coffin and talked to him. assuring him that everything would be fine and that he should go peacefully. through the whole duration, she sat quietly. and quietly, she wept. i also noted her constant observing of our actions. i was very much aware that our conduct, what we did, and how we behaved would have an important impact on her. if things went well, she would be assured that despite our differences, we (me and my siblings) were able to work as one. also, it would also be an assurance to her that when she passes on, we would be able to manage things well for her. so, i noted and executed each and every one of her suggestions. the fact that she suggested it meant that it is important to her.

this consciousness allowed us to manage my mum and all the relatives. it was good that by the end of the funeral, everyone felt happy. happy that whatever needed to be done to ensure my dad's journey had been well taken care of.

wake & funeral - part 2

mourning the dead
went to the funeral parlour the next day. i was early. i had packed all his personal items (clothes, pants, belt, croc shoes, new shoes and so on) and brought it along with me. i also had his specs. we were told it would be placed in the coffin to be cremated together with him. i brought sapphie along. sapphie was my dad's favourite and i thought it would be most appropriate for her to join in the mourning.

when the whole family arrived finally, we were led to view the body. by now, he had been groomed. his face was bloated and together with his hair, it was covered by a layer of powder (or so i thought was powder). he was dressed very smartly in a suit. his belongings were placed by his side and legs. some of them were folders to buffer areas between his head and the side of the coffin. a couple more was folded and placed under his head acting as a pillow. this was followed by placing all the joss papers and buddhist offering before he was covered with another layer of cotton. more prayer materials and incense were placed before a final layer of silk was placed on top. we were told to give him our last words before they seal the coffin. this was when we broke into tears. it was highly emotional. i carried sapphie up to look at him. she didn't seem to register who the person lying in the coffin was. a monk came and presided over the final prayers.

we were then told to look away when the funeral parlour assistants finally seal the coffin. as it was a half covered coffin, we were still able to see him after the sealing. i noticed that in addition to the nails, the funeral parlour assistants had also used scotch tape to tape the coffin. i guess this was to prevent the smell from coming out before the funeral.

we have started the wake.

it lasted another 3 days before the funeral proper.

nb: we were told by the funeral parlour guys who did the embalming that my dad showed the typical signs of a person who had died of liver problems. his blood was black in colour when they drained him.

wake & funeral - part 1

post-life administrations
as in all things singaporean, the process of getting the body from the death bed to the funeral parlour was superbly efficient. it went on like clockwork. and i can imagine it to be so becos the people involved in this process had practiced it umpteen times. the nurses came to give me the doctor's certification of cause of death, registration of death and obtaining of the death certificate, transferring of the body to the last office, discussing the details of the wake and funeral, transferring of the body to the mortuary and finally to the funeral casket... it all went very smoothly. without a hitch. and of cos, i was glad the people were highly sensitive to the very fragile and emotional state most of us were in at that point in time.

by the time the amahs came to transfer the body to the mortuary. it was close to 10.30pm. we were asked to leave the last office to allow them to move the body into the dark grey metal box trolley. it was heartbreaking to see my dad in the box. it was cold and certainly not fit for human. it reminded me of dracula. it reminded me of death. then again, it was a dead body that they were moving.

while handing over the body to the funeral parlour people at the mortuary exit, i noted that rigor mortis has set in. the body was cold and hardened. i also noted that fluids continued to drip from his leg. i was asked to walk away while the funeral parlour people wrap my dad in a white cloth. that was the last time i saw my dad outside. when they were ready, they placed him in the casket van. he was on his way to be embalmed.

nb: i came to learn that the nurse who had been taking care of my dad cried when she learned of his demise. i guess over time, the nurse-patient bond had developed to one that is more of a care-giver-friend bond. and it made me realize that nurses go through such situations whenever their patients die.

r.i.p

my dad passed away at 1854hrs today.

he slipped off when we were all taking a break and eating outside at the waiting area. when we went back, he had left us. we missed him by about a minute.

morphine

was about to go to market when my mum got a call from my brother about my dad being in pain. at about the same time, my brother-in-law called to update me about what's happening. my dad was in great pain the whole morning. accordingly, the senior doctor came in and discussed with my brother about how my dad should be managed. we agreed on the morphine option. no other options given his current state.

rushed home from the market and went to the hospital. we waited for the family to arrive before giving the morphine to him. it was an emotional moment for many for the thought that when the morphine takes effect, he might never wake up again. time passed. the morphine did not work. he continued wailing for the next hour plus. frustrated, we asked for the doctor again. she came after some time. told us that she was not ready to give further dose as he might face respiratory depression and that given it was a weekend, they may not be able to escalate their response fast enough if his condition worsen. we managed to get her to call the senior doctor eventually and he agreed to give another dose of morphine.

later the pain management team will see him.

and for now, i have brought my mum home to take a rest.

2230hrs

it was 10:30pm when i received a call from cgh. "is that mr sim? your dad's blood pressure is dropping very fast. it is now 60/30." i immediately called my siblings and told my mum. rushed down to cgh. when i arrived, he did not look much different from when i last saw him in the afternoon. but he was weak. the only tell-tale sign that he was unwell was that he had his iv inserted and there were signs of fresh blood on his bed sheets and the floor. the nurse was taking his bp again. this time, the reading dropped to 50/30. the nurse told me it was not good. by this time, my siblings had arrived. my dad, despite the drop in the bp, kept complaining that he was uncomfortable and that he wanted to sit up. he said that he was afraid to sleep.

the nurse started to give him human plasma serum thru the iv in an attempt to bring up the bp. by 1:30am, he seemed to have responded well to the serum infusion and the constant massage that my brother and eldest sis gave. it was then that we decided to scale down our presence and for some of us to rest.

weaker

my dad has gotten weaker over the last 2 days. when i visited him these days, he could hardly speak. at most, he could whisper. this afternoon when i visited him with my mum at the hospital, he mumbled to me that he is dying soon. he was also too weak to sit up or move from bed to chair by himself already. his lower body has swollen to the point where fluid would flow out of any scratch wounds and would wet his pants...

sensing his impending departure, i started talking to my mum again about how my dad's condition was prolonging his suffering. without mentioning about death, i was, in a way, trying to get her to accept that perhaps death would mean an end to his suffering. nonetheless, i was surprised when my mum brought up the issue of death herself and said that looking at my dad's condition, she was convinced that he would be dying soon.

just 5 mins ago, my brother called to inform my mum that my dad was no longer able to move in his bed. he could also hardly open his eyes now. my mum said that it would perhaps be better for him to go quickly. this so that his suffering would not be prolonged. i could also sense her acceptance that my dad is leaving us very soon. for now, we will wait for the doctor to see him again tomorrow. let's see what he has to say.

national day 2008

this year's national day will not be any different from my previous few ndps since 2005. i missed the observance ceremony. and as promised to myself, i will not recite the national pledge. it's my own quiet way of protesting against the system. i am singaporean and i am gay. and as far as my government sees it, these two cannot co-exist.

yesterday, i saw a car with a sticker pasted on the bumper. on it it said "i love my country. but i hate my government". well, perhaps, hate is a bit too strong. but certainly, it does reflect to a small extend the sentiments i have. to me, the government is generally ok. but there are certain archaic policies it has chosen to keep that made it looked very hypocritical (and seemed almost cowardly). and for that i am totally against.

lotr olympics

bee bee said that the olympics flame burning on top of the bird nest looked a bit like the lord of the ring fire on top of the tower - the one that bore some semblance to the vagina.

i couldn't agree more!

:-)

fuwa

one other thing stood out for me too in the beijing olympics opening ceremony - where were the fuwas?

beijing olympics

lots of emotions and thoughts went through me as i watched the beijing olympics last evening. as a chinese, i felt very very proud. proud of my heritage. proud of my ethnic roots. 5000 years of history. all slowly unfolded and presented to the world. china's major contributions to the world. gunpowder, paper, tea, printing, silk road, martial arts, culture... everything was unfurled in the 4-over hours of show. many times during the show, i was speechless.

i was awed by the scale of the show. it was really beyond borders. beyond the borders of the bird nest. beyond the borders of countries. the 29 foot steps at the start gave the feel of a very huge imaginary giant that was really beyond the size anyone could imagine. almost god-like. the show transcended one's visual and audio abilities. it went on to built on one's imagination. of size, of history, of culture, of people.

i was also awed by the grandeur of the show. the myriad of colours, the pomp, the energy, the people, the pride, the grandeur. it brought out the power, the might and the strength, amidst the grace, of a culture and of a country. soft power some call it. the virility of the young men in it's mass display and the use of beautifully designed gowns draped onto these men. the shouting and strong beats on the drums interspersed with graceful (almost broken `wristed') soft touches to the drum surface. what a great contrast. what a great balance between grace and might. similar effects in the women in long flowing dresses to welcome the president of the ioc versus the quiet strength of the taichi movements displayed by her compatriot just minutes before. it's a perfect match of the ying and the yang. all these contrast delivered so nicely. very aptly represented by the word `he' (harmony in chinese) in one of the mass display.

after seeing all these, when the camera panned towards the leaders of the western world, they somehow looked different. not sure how to describe the feeling. closest words i could think of were `small', `insignificant', `hypocritical', `inferior', `sad' amongst others. mental images of protests, of political rhetorics, of bush and his remarks about human rights, of sarkowzy and his comments on china... all become somewhat secondary in that special moment.

it's a coming out party for china alright. certainly it was. everything described above. the one-ness of the people. the pride. the patriotism. everything. no single adjective in the english dictionary could fully describe all these in one word.

... or perhaps one. one word summed it up for me - china.

the middle kingdom. zhong guo.

ps: to me, the show made all national day parades look amateurish.

0808080808

08.08.08 08:08hrs

decided to sent a message to some of my friends to wish them happiness and luck at this once a millenium hour of the day.

ya, i admit... lame... but well, it's not the message nor the time that is important. it's the connection and the thoughts that count. right?

:-)

ps: oh, i think the beijing olympics organising committee got it wrong. the opening ceremony at 08:08pm is actually 20:08hrs... heh... but well, let's just enjoy the occasion and the sights... the fireworks, the mass display, and of cos, i look forward to appreciate the beauty of the human physique - the finest and most perfect state of the human body - i must say - especially diving, swimming and gymnastics.

take a bet?

dad's legs have swollen to a point where it hurts him badly at the slightest movement. the doctor also informed us that his blood vessels in his legs are also blocked. in fact the swell is so bad that the fluid would flow out of his wounds (that result from his scratches) and wet his pants.

when we asked the doctor how this can be tackled, we were asked if we want to take a bet. let him be or give him heparin to let the blood flow and drain the fluid. the former would mean letting him continue to suffer the pain but might allow him to survive for some time more. the latter would mean immediate death if he does not take to it well and complication arise due to the medication or the draining. we asked him. despite his weakness and inability to speak properly now, he is still lucid. he decided against the draining. he has chosen to suffer the pain.

502nd posting

ha... just realized i crossed my 500th post over the weekend! and this posting is the 502nd. wow!

see how bored i am...

oh, i had a most wonderful evening earlier on with dan, kl and bee at the airport hotel. crowne? hmmm, cannot really recall... too tired to think now. kl bought us dinner and it was really good talking to them. now, there is only one slight problem... the coffee i drank is keeping me awake! and i will have to get up at 6.15am later! and i have a briefing to make at 8.30am!

argh!...

sunday routine

it's sunday and it's back to sunday routines... wake up, marketing, breakfast, floral arrangement, cooking, washing dishes, washing clothes, drying clothes, house cleaning,... yadda yadda yadda... it funny how we eventually gravitate to some sort of routine stuff in life.

perhaps it's age. but i look forward to routine stuff these days. dynamic and fast changing things stresses me out. and i can certainly do with less stress. especially at home.

oh, yes, i did some things different today. i bought mum a new sarong. and rather than putting flowers in a vase without arranging (ya, natural beauty as an excuse for laziness), i did some floral arrangement today. and topping the list, i polished my car! now, does that mean a thunderstorm is brewing?...

hmmm.

happiness in giving

in my 10 years living in my current place, i have had my fair share of very nice and very ugly neighbours. i was lucky in that the immediate neighbour had been most kind and easy going people. i have also seen their kids, benedict and his brother, daryl, grown... from little babies to big boys now. and very naturally, i have come to accept them as part of my immediate community. last week, while i was at the lift landing, betty, the mother, asked benedict, to tell me what he had told her. benedict was too shy. and betty told me that he wanted to ask if i could get ndp tickets for him. i told him that this was beyond me and that ndp tickets was based on balloting and that i myself was not able to get what i wanted. he took it in good spirit and closed his house door. but i could sense his disappointment. it saddens me.

guess i was lucky. yesterday, a colleague came to my office and ask if i wanted his tickets. he had 2. i nodded and he gave it to me on condition that i collect the goodie bags for him. i agreed. including my single ticket, i now have 3. for a short time on my drive home, i asked if i should give the tickets to my nieces. but in the end, i decided to give to betty and her 2 sons.

i came home, waited for betty and benedict to return. and when i passed the 3 tickets to them, i could see the excitement on their faces. not just benedict who was grinning widely, but betty herself was excited too. she said she had never attended a parade and that she had thought she would never have the chance ever to do so. i could see the excitement and the thrills on their faces.

as i drove out of my estate to pick bee bee from school, i thought about what i did and their happy and excited faces flashed by. and somehow, i experienced a sense of happiness. a feeling that is rather indescribable. and to me, this feeling surpassed any feeling of pride or happiness that i got from any ndp parades that i ever attended. and for that moment, i really really appreciate the phrase that in giving, you are receiving.