changes in routines

all of us in the family has been slowly coming to terms with the recent happenings in my family. invariably, it had seen some changes to some of our routines. for me, i now have to go to work a bit later as i now have to bring my dog to pee in the morning, and similarly in the evenings, i have to rush home as early as i could to bring her for her evening walks/ pee too. at the same time, after clearing of all my dad's stuff (largely medications), there seemed to be a lot more space in the house now. it has taken me the last couple of days to do the clearing, cleaning and re-organising of stuff. somehow, the house seemed rather cold now...

central locking

my car central locking has been spoilt. it's been about a month i guess. understand that the motor is spoilt and needs to be changed. been too lazy to do it. think i am a huge proscratinator.

:-)

mum

the maid came on the day we went to collect dad's ashes. the maid was supposed to look after dad. now, given dad's demise, the maid will now look after mum. due to this, mum has decided to move in to brother's place. initially, i was rather disappointed as i had assumed that mum's moving out was due to her unhappiness with me (for whatever reasons). but i told myself it would not be productive to make such assumptions and that as long as she is happy, i will be happy.

i asked if she wanted to stay with my brother permanently henceforth when i met her on my dad's 7th day prayers. she said yes and cried. i know she was crying becos she was sad of my dad's demise, but i think my questions made her cry even more becos she had dramatise the whole issue of her moving out. this i concluded after she asked me to look after myself, that i should sleep early, not stay out late, etc etc etc. it was also at that moment that i could sense her reluctance to leave my place. i could also sense her worries about me. guess mothers are mothers after all. never ending worries about their children. and regardless of how old you are, you will always be a little boy in their eyes.

anyway, 2 days later, when i visited her at my brother's place, she told me that she will come back to stay at my place on weekends. that i should pick her up on fridays and sent her back to my brother's place either on mondays or tuesdays. the maid will also come along. well, i think this would be a win win solution for all of us. on one hand, she gets to see both her sons. on the other hand, her staying with me also allows my sisters to visit her. and of cos, she would be looked after by the maid.

nb: it would be interesting to see the maid's reaction when bee bee stays over and she see us together. wonder how she would take to it...

disinterest in work

why do i find myself rather disinterested in my work these days? is it cos i am just tired and bored? or due to the fact that the course is coming to an end? or simply cos i will be leaving my organisation soon?... i really do not know. but for now, all i know is that i am getting more and more detached from my work. i really enjoy the teaching and the contact. but i simply dislike the arrows, many of which i do not support nor agree. but i think one of the key contributor to my motivation is the fact that i felt discriminated in my organisation and this feeling would be played up time and again whenever i apply for overseas leave or when i manage materials that are deemed sensitive.

damned it!

neighbour chronicles 2

it's about my gay neighbours again. yesterday, the older one came to the kitchen, smiled and waved at me. took me by surprise after all these months of nonchalance...

germs

i recieved a very nice surprise today. it was an email from a dear friend who had moved to germany many years ago; and with whom i re-connected not too long ago when i came out to him (well... i think we both knew, but was a case of don't ask, don't tell). he has finally tied the knot with his other half! a civil union as it was termed. he titled his email - "it's a sin". i thought a better title would be "it's a celebration!".

in the email, two photos were attached. one showing them exchanging rings and the other posing outside a nice building and them holding a bouquet of flowers. very pretty! and for the very first time in so many years, i get to see his face again. he has put on some weight. and he looked great! always thought he was a bit underweight years back when we were in uni! they both looked radiant in the photos. it must have been a long and arduous journey for them to reach this. i envy them. how i wish we could do the same here.

well, this email brought a smile to me. quite rare for me these days considering the chain of not too pleasant events that happened recently. certainly felt very happy for him and his partner and i sincerely wish them well and long lasting happiness!

fatigue

i found myself getting tired to the point of feeling fatigue very easily these couple of days after the funeral. in fact, i was so damned tired, i would fall into a deep sleep by about 11-plus every nite. and to top it off, bee bee told me i snored in my sleep. i didn't even know when sapphie barked at about 3-plus in the middle of the nite 2 nights ago.

was it becos the feeling that one huge load had been lifted that eased the psychological stress that had allowed my to sleep so well? or was it the fact that since my mum had also moved into my brother's place, my worries of possible falls in the middle of the night is no longer there? or was it simply becos of the feeling of relief that the funeral is finally over? or could it be simply that i am about to fall sick?

whatever it was, i just want to recover and to move on in life.

of folklore & superstitions

am not sure how to position such experiences and stories but it certainly adds to the superstitions and beliefs of the lay-persons

• my dad, before dying, dreamt that his mum (my grandma) had visited him, sat him up at his bed, fed him and then put him back to bed. when my dad related this dream to my aunt, she feared that his time was up. within the same week, my dad died. the same dreams were related to us before my paternal grandma, my maternal grandma as well as the 3rd aunt died.

• my second sis had always believed that her star sign clashed with that of my dad's. since young, my dad had always dotted on my eldest sis more. so naturally, my second sis didn't feel as close to my dad. on the day he died, we had asked from the hospital to give him a second dose of morphine to ease his pain. as we were not around, it was my second sis that administered this second dose. she had been ridden with guilt since that she had delivered the final fatal dose. that she had killed him. coincidentally, the day my dad died was my second sis's birthday.

• my dad seemed to know that his time was up. on the day before he died, he held my mum's hand and told here that that would be the last time he would be seeing her. and before she left for home, he told her to take care of herself, especially her legs and said bye-bye to her. he also told me to take care of myself. and to my relatives who visited him hours before his death, he bade each and everyone of them goodbye. finally, amidst his painful screams, he asked that we quickly administer the morphine so that he could be rid of his pain.

• there was a belief that when the spirit leaves the body, it continues to stay near the body. during this period, it might take refuge in an insect. everyone relatives of mine remembered how a moth had stayed with us through the duration of my grandma's funeral. the same species of moth also appeared at my old house whenever we conduct our annual prayers to my grandma on her death anniversaries. and weirdly enough, my brother noted that there was this single housefly flying around the funeral parlour (i thought i was funny cos it might be becos of the presence of food). as a person schooled in science, this was certainly beyond me, but it certainly did provide some conversational piece for my brother, my mum and my aunt :-)

• my dad was a avid gambler - from 4d to shares. the same could be said of my brother. so naturally, whenever we did any prayers or offerings, my brother would ask for 4d from my dad. he would also rope us in to share in the bets. on the day the paper house and paper car came, my brother went to bet on the car number. it struck first prize on the same day. the 4 of us who shared in the bet got richer by close to 1k. my brother attributed this to my dad whom he said was happy cos i had bought him tau yew bak (pork belly stewed in soy sauce) after he appeared in my dream the night before and asked for it. tau yew bak was my dad's favourite food.
  

• there was a belief that the spirit would return on the seventh day to visit his family. so, on the seventh day, at about 6-plus in the morning and through the whole of the night, there was a very strong smell of scented incense in my brother's place. strangely enough, none of my brother's neighbours were known to use joss-sticks at home. my mum could only conclude that my dad had returned.
  

so? where do we place some of these coincidences? frankly, i was not sure. but one thing was for sure. to the living who believed in it, such occurences would continue to give them the soothing effect psychologically that the people they've loved and that had died will continue to be close to them. to watch over them. to bless them. and continue to be part of their lives.

mourning - part 1

a new beginning
sat 16 aug 08 was the 7th day of the funeral. on this day, more rites were conducted. this was the first of the series of rites to be conducted. in all 5 sessions had to be conducted - on the 7th day, 21st day, 35th day and on the 49th day. the most important being the 7th and the 49th day. the chinese believe that the deceased will return to his home to visit his family one last time before he leave them forever. this was also the day that the deceased will come to full realisation of his death. the 49th day is believed to be the day when the spirit of the deceased will be reborned.

once again, we gathered at the columbarium and did our prayers. mum came along too. and it was obvious that she was still coming to terms with dad's passing away. she sobbed and cried when she saw the niche. i guessed it will take sometime for her to accept the fact that her husband, my father, is no longer alive and is now kept in an urn behind the marble slab that bears his name.

wake & funeral - part 7

ashes to ashes, dust to dust
we went back to collect the ashes the following day after the cremation. after submitting the ash collection form and verifying our identity, we were given a box containing the ashes. we were brought to a room. more rites were conducted. my brother commented that for a man with such a huge frame, what remained after the cremation was rather pathetic. the attendant helped us sort out the ashes (well, it was more of remaining bone fragments) and showed us how to identify the bones. altho he was a 50-plus year old ah beng chek, he was really good at his work. in that short moments, he almost went through a whole lesson on human bone structure with my family. he singled out the cranium, the ulna, the radius, the hip bone, shoulder bone, etc. and nimbly, he picked out the fragments that belonged to the skull. he also shared that there were patches of green and orange on the bones becos dad had taken medicine in excessive amounts (not too sure of the scientific basis for this, but it was a fact that dad had taken lots of medication).

each of us were asked to place the 8 coins at the base of the urn for good luck. following this, we were asked to place a piece of his leg bone on the base of the urn. then all the bones were poured in before the skull bones were placed at the top. once done, the urn was closed. i was asked to do some prayers and to ask my dad to `move' to the crematorium. interestingly, we were given an old tradition chinese umbrella and asked to make sure that the urn do not `see' the sky. as the eldest son, i carried the urn. my brother carried the umbrella. we started the journey to transfer the urn to the choa chu kang columbarium. the monk was waiting for us at the columbarium to conduct more rites as we settle dad into his final resting place. offerings were made to the god of the earth. prayers were conducted.

this marked the final settling of my dad into his final resting place.

wake & funeral - part 6

final farewell

the last day before the funeral was a flurry of preparations. towels with red strings, flower and pomegranate water, huat kway, oranges, ang pows for coffin bearers, ang pows for guests, and so on, it was one thing after another. and as expected, directions from relatives came again and again. the final nite prayers were conducted. houses, joss papers, joss sticks, hell notes, etc were burned. the whole affair was rather sombre.

the final day came. the extended family arrived. the monk did the prayers. the glass opening of the coffin was closed finally after we bade our final farewell. tears flowed. we were told to look away as the coffin was loaded onto the vehicle. the procession took place. the thought that this would be the final journey made every step all the more important. as the eldest son, i was asked to take the passenger seat of the carriage vehicle. on me, i carried my dad's tablet. it symbolised the spirit of my dad. through the short journey from the funeral parlour to the crematorium, every time we crossed a bridge, i had to ask him to cross. and as i thought of the times i had spent with my dad, i cried.

at the crematorium, more friends and relatives were waiting. they were all shown to their seats. more rites were conducted and when he was finally wheeled into the furnace, all of us broke down. the wheeling of the coffin into the furnace was a rather dramatic process. it was totally computerised. and as it moved towards the furnace, the glass ceiling room darkened. i was told it was due to the auto-turning of the glass panels at the ceiling that sealed off some natural light thereby darkening the room. whatever it was, the effect was very good.

we made our way back to the funeral parlour again to pack up. buffet lunch had been ordered. for once, my aunt liked every dish ordered. huat kways and oranges were distributed and soon enough, we parted ways.

wake & funeral - part 5

re-connecting ties
the wake, as in all life-defining moments, was also a good time for us to rekindle old ties and discover ties that had always been there but never known. as my dad was very close to his siblings, the immediate extended family that comprised all my paternal aunts/ uncles and my cousins all turned up by the second day. it was also interesting that my 3rd uncle (the one that my grandma had given away when he was a baby) also turned up. i last met them some 20-over years ago. they have aged.

the third day was interesting too for my dad's cousin's (children of my grandpa's younger brother and sister) and their children (my second cousins) also turned up. names that sounded familiar but long forgotten crept up again. looking at how they wept when they viewed his body and how they reminisced about how my dad used to joke and play with them, and how my dad had called on them only a few months back, i was again reminded of how far my dad had gone to keep in contact with them. memories of my childhood days and how my dad would bring me to visit them came flooding back. i could no longer put a name to the face anymore. too many years have passed since i last met them.

this whole extended family thing was really interesting, not only for me, but also for some of my second cousins. i was called in to explain how each of us are related and how my nieces should address them. it was a heartwarming experience, even if it was for that moment during the wake.

similarly, the wake and funeral was also a time for long lost friends to reconnect and catch up. on the second nite, quite a few 50-plus year old uncles whom i had never met turned up to pay their respect. i came to learn that these were my uncle's friends. it was kinda weird to think that they had bothered to turn up to pay respect to someone they do not know. but reflecting, it dawned upon me that it was a cultural thing. and perhaps a generation thing. something that i think will not happen in my generation. these uncles were taxi drivers and they their presence was a show of support to my uncle. i mentioned how the wake was not only for my family and i but also for my extended family. their presence affirmed this. the same could be said of my friends. calls and smses of condolences came flooding in non-stop. friends from as far back as my ocs days, itd days some 20 over years ago called and some attended the wake.

the wake and funeral was as much a family affair as it was a time to friends to re-connect. it was a time for the extended family to re-affirm our blood ties. it was also a time for the community to lend their support to those related to the dead. granted that the story of how my dad died was repeated umpteen times. but it is this story that provided us the common platform to re-connect. reflecting, i ask - why must it be that we only meet during such occasions? after going through this last week, i am even more convinced that efforts need to be made to meet up, to show concern, for that matter, to just say `hi'.

wake & funeral - part 4

buying the final resting place
everyday of the wake, i had to open the funeral palour at 0830am. the morning rites would include purchasing breakfast for my dad, conduct some prayers and arrange the place in preparation for guests to arrive.

on the second day, after opening up the place, the funeral parlour had arranged for my brother and i to meet the agent to identify and purchase the niche at the columbarium. mum came along. we met the agent and after looking around, we decided on one particular niche - eugenia block 1, room 23, niche number 38. it was a double niche, that is, a niche meant for two. that would be my parent's permanent resting place. but for now, it would occupy my dad's ashes. and in time to come, my mum's. bringing mum along was also to allow mum the peace of mind that we had booked a good place for dad and her. after identifying the niche, we asked for her opinion. she looked at it, liked it and agreed. her blessings was the most important. the whole process was very straight forward and simple. once that was done, it was back to the funeral parlour.

wake & funeral - part 3

managing the living
the wake and funeral lasted 5 day, 3 days for the wake proper. my dad had wanted 3 days (inclusive of the funeral). but to do so would be too rush and not allow everyone to properly mourn his demise and to allow relatives and friends to pay their last respect (considering the day he passed away was considered day 1), we decided to hold a 5-day wake instead.

the news of dad's passing on spread fast and furious. by monday, all relatives (less my mum side - whom my dad had asked not to be told) had been informed. similarly, my colleagues had mass mailed my dad's demise i would say those whom i had worked with over the past 20 odd years had learned of the news by monday evening. the first to arrive for the wake came almost immediately after we seal the coffin. we were not even ready with the peanuts, sweets, etc. and before he left, i had to at least rush out a red string for him. such items are symbolic but to many of us chinese (especially businessmen), it is important.

to me, being buddhist, once the spirit leaves the body, it would be most important to do prayers to help the spirit move on. the body is nothing but a spent shell. it would of cos be most important to dispose of the body in a most respectful way. my dad has wanted a buddhist funeral. a buddhist funeral is rather straight forward and consist of lots of chanting and prayers. but becos of my family's taoist background and practices in ancestor worship, many demands came from my relatives - both in terms of the conduct as well as the form. everything that we did would surely be met with some form of comments or counter-sugggestions from aunties and uncles - comments of what ought to be done/ not done came fast and furious. "aiyah, you should cater dinner for first evening", "you should order stew meat pow", "you should buy huat kueh", "you should this and that...", simply no end. and every single one, i obliged. dutifully. to me, this whole process was not just for my dad. it was also for me and my family, especially my mum. it was also for my dad's siblings.

with regards my dad's siblings, i noted that many of the things asked were very taoist/ ancestor worhsip in origin such as buying and burning of joss papers, paper house, paper cars, maid and house attendant, gold and silver mountains, giving of towels, etc. considering their taoist background, it was to be expected i guess. but well, as i said, doing it would be an important way of allowing them their closure and a way to show them our respect. what mattered most was that they suggested these things out of good intentions and in fulfilling their request, we would also be allowing them peace of mind. to me, the rites for the dead was rather straight-forward, but it was managing the living that needed some strong attention for if not well managed, the downstream impact would be great.

as for my mum, she sat by the coffin thru the day. everyday. dutifully as a wife should, as she mourned her husband's demise. frequently, she would limp her way to my dad's coffin and talked to him. assuring him that everything would be fine and that he should go peacefully. through the whole duration, she sat quietly. and quietly, she wept. i also noted her constant observing of our actions. i was very much aware that our conduct, what we did, and how we behaved would have an important impact on her. if things went well, she would be assured that despite our differences, we (me and my siblings) were able to work as one. also, it would also be an assurance to her that when she passes on, we would be able to manage things well for her. so, i noted and executed each and every one of her suggestions. the fact that she suggested it meant that it is important to her.

this consciousness allowed us to manage my mum and all the relatives. it was good that by the end of the funeral, everyone felt happy. happy that whatever needed to be done to ensure my dad's journey had been well taken care of.

wake & funeral - part 2

mourning the dead
went to the funeral parlour the next day. i was early. i had packed all his personal items (clothes, pants, belt, croc shoes, new shoes and so on) and brought it along with me. i also had his specs. we were told it would be placed in the coffin to be cremated together with him. i brought sapphie along. sapphie was my dad's favourite and i thought it would be most appropriate for her to join in the mourning.

when the whole family arrived finally, we were led to view the body. by now, he had been groomed. his face was bloated and together with his hair, it was covered by a layer of powder (or so i thought was powder). he was dressed very smartly in a suit. his belongings were placed by his side and legs. some of them were folders to buffer areas between his head and the side of the coffin. a couple more was folded and placed under his head acting as a pillow. this was followed by placing all the joss papers and buddhist offering before he was covered with another layer of cotton. more prayer materials and incense were placed before a final layer of silk was placed on top. we were told to give him our last words before they seal the coffin. this was when we broke into tears. it was highly emotional. i carried sapphie up to look at him. she didn't seem to register who the person lying in the coffin was. a monk came and presided over the final prayers.

we were then told to look away when the funeral parlour assistants finally seal the coffin. as it was a half covered coffin, we were still able to see him after the sealing. i noticed that in addition to the nails, the funeral parlour assistants had also used scotch tape to tape the coffin. i guess this was to prevent the smell from coming out before the funeral.

we have started the wake.

it lasted another 3 days before the funeral proper.

nb: we were told by the funeral parlour guys who did the embalming that my dad showed the typical signs of a person who had died of liver problems. his blood was black in colour when they drained him.

wake & funeral - part 1

post-life administrations
as in all things singaporean, the process of getting the body from the death bed to the funeral parlour was superbly efficient. it went on like clockwork. and i can imagine it to be so becos the people involved in this process had practiced it umpteen times. the nurses came to give me the doctor's certification of cause of death, registration of death and obtaining of the death certificate, transferring of the body to the last office, discussing the details of the wake and funeral, transferring of the body to the mortuary and finally to the funeral casket... it all went very smoothly. without a hitch. and of cos, i was glad the people were highly sensitive to the very fragile and emotional state most of us were in at that point in time.

by the time the amahs came to transfer the body to the mortuary. it was close to 10.30pm. we were asked to leave the last office to allow them to move the body into the dark grey metal box trolley. it was heartbreaking to see my dad in the box. it was cold and certainly not fit for human. it reminded me of dracula. it reminded me of death. then again, it was a dead body that they were moving.

while handing over the body to the funeral parlour people at the mortuary exit, i noted that rigor mortis has set in. the body was cold and hardened. i also noted that fluids continued to drip from his leg. i was asked to walk away while the funeral parlour people wrap my dad in a white cloth. that was the last time i saw my dad outside. when they were ready, they placed him in the casket van. he was on his way to be embalmed.

nb: i came to learn that the nurse who had been taking care of my dad cried when she learned of his demise. i guess over time, the nurse-patient bond had developed to one that is more of a care-giver-friend bond. and it made me realize that nurses go through such situations whenever their patients die.

r.i.p

my dad passed away at 1854hrs today.

he slipped off when we were all taking a break and eating outside at the waiting area. when we went back, he had left us. we missed him by about a minute.

morphine

was about to go to market when my mum got a call from my brother about my dad being in pain. at about the same time, my brother-in-law called to update me about what's happening. my dad was in great pain the whole morning. accordingly, the senior doctor came in and discussed with my brother about how my dad should be managed. we agreed on the morphine option. no other options given his current state.

rushed home from the market and went to the hospital. we waited for the family to arrive before giving the morphine to him. it was an emotional moment for many for the thought that when the morphine takes effect, he might never wake up again. time passed. the morphine did not work. he continued wailing for the next hour plus. frustrated, we asked for the doctor again. she came after some time. told us that she was not ready to give further dose as he might face respiratory depression and that given it was a weekend, they may not be able to escalate their response fast enough if his condition worsen. we managed to get her to call the senior doctor eventually and he agreed to give another dose of morphine.

later the pain management team will see him.

and for now, i have brought my mum home to take a rest.

2230hrs

it was 10:30pm when i received a call from cgh. "is that mr sim? your dad's blood pressure is dropping very fast. it is now 60/30." i immediately called my siblings and told my mum. rushed down to cgh. when i arrived, he did not look much different from when i last saw him in the afternoon. but he was weak. the only tell-tale sign that he was unwell was that he had his iv inserted and there were signs of fresh blood on his bed sheets and the floor. the nurse was taking his bp again. this time, the reading dropped to 50/30. the nurse told me it was not good. by this time, my siblings had arrived. my dad, despite the drop in the bp, kept complaining that he was uncomfortable and that he wanted to sit up. he said that he was afraid to sleep.

the nurse started to give him human plasma serum thru the iv in an attempt to bring up the bp. by 1:30am, he seemed to have responded well to the serum infusion and the constant massage that my brother and eldest sis gave. it was then that we decided to scale down our presence and for some of us to rest.

weaker

my dad has gotten weaker over the last 2 days. when i visited him these days, he could hardly speak. at most, he could whisper. this afternoon when i visited him with my mum at the hospital, he mumbled to me that he is dying soon. he was also too weak to sit up or move from bed to chair by himself already. his lower body has swollen to the point where fluid would flow out of any scratch wounds and would wet his pants...

sensing his impending departure, i started talking to my mum again about how my dad's condition was prolonging his suffering. without mentioning about death, i was, in a way, trying to get her to accept that perhaps death would mean an end to his suffering. nonetheless, i was surprised when my mum brought up the issue of death herself and said that looking at my dad's condition, she was convinced that he would be dying soon.

just 5 mins ago, my brother called to inform my mum that my dad was no longer able to move in his bed. he could also hardly open his eyes now. my mum said that it would perhaps be better for him to go quickly. this so that his suffering would not be prolonged. i could also sense her acceptance that my dad is leaving us very soon. for now, we will wait for the doctor to see him again tomorrow. let's see what he has to say.

national day 2008

this year's national day will not be any different from my previous few ndps since 2005. i missed the observance ceremony. and as promised to myself, i will not recite the national pledge. it's my own quiet way of protesting against the system. i am singaporean and i am gay. and as far as my government sees it, these two cannot co-exist.

yesterday, i saw a car with a sticker pasted on the bumper. on it it said "i love my country. but i hate my government". well, perhaps, hate is a bit too strong. but certainly, it does reflect to a small extend the sentiments i have. to me, the government is generally ok. but there are certain archaic policies it has chosen to keep that made it looked very hypocritical (and seemed almost cowardly). and for that i am totally against.

lotr olympics

bee bee said that the olympics flame burning on top of the bird nest looked a bit like the lord of the ring fire on top of the tower - the one that bore some semblance to the vagina.

i couldn't agree more!

:-)

fuwa

one other thing stood out for me too in the beijing olympics opening ceremony - where were the fuwas?

beijing olympics

lots of emotions and thoughts went through me as i watched the beijing olympics last evening. as a chinese, i felt very very proud. proud of my heritage. proud of my ethnic roots. 5000 years of history. all slowly unfolded and presented to the world. china's major contributions to the world. gunpowder, paper, tea, printing, silk road, martial arts, culture... everything was unfurled in the 4-over hours of show. many times during the show, i was speechless.

i was awed by the scale of the show. it was really beyond borders. beyond the borders of the bird nest. beyond the borders of countries. the 29 foot steps at the start gave the feel of a very huge imaginary giant that was really beyond the size anyone could imagine. almost god-like. the show transcended one's visual and audio abilities. it went on to built on one's imagination. of size, of history, of culture, of people.

i was also awed by the grandeur of the show. the myriad of colours, the pomp, the energy, the people, the pride, the grandeur. it brought out the power, the might and the strength, amidst the grace, of a culture and of a country. soft power some call it. the virility of the young men in it's mass display and the use of beautifully designed gowns draped onto these men. the shouting and strong beats on the drums interspersed with graceful (almost broken `wristed') soft touches to the drum surface. what a great contrast. what a great balance between grace and might. similar effects in the women in long flowing dresses to welcome the president of the ioc versus the quiet strength of the taichi movements displayed by her compatriot just minutes before. it's a perfect match of the ying and the yang. all these contrast delivered so nicely. very aptly represented by the word `he' (harmony in chinese) in one of the mass display.

after seeing all these, when the camera panned towards the leaders of the western world, they somehow looked different. not sure how to describe the feeling. closest words i could think of were `small', `insignificant', `hypocritical', `inferior', `sad' amongst others. mental images of protests, of political rhetorics, of bush and his remarks about human rights, of sarkowzy and his comments on china... all become somewhat secondary in that special moment.

it's a coming out party for china alright. certainly it was. everything described above. the one-ness of the people. the pride. the patriotism. everything. no single adjective in the english dictionary could fully describe all these in one word.

... or perhaps one. one word summed it up for me - china.

the middle kingdom. zhong guo.

ps: to me, the show made all national day parades look amateurish.

0808080808

08.08.08 08:08hrs

decided to sent a message to some of my friends to wish them happiness and luck at this once a millenium hour of the day.

ya, i admit... lame... but well, it's not the message nor the time that is important. it's the connection and the thoughts that count. right?

:-)

ps: oh, i think the beijing olympics organising committee got it wrong. the opening ceremony at 08:08pm is actually 20:08hrs... heh... but well, let's just enjoy the occasion and the sights... the fireworks, the mass display, and of cos, i look forward to appreciate the beauty of the human physique - the finest and most perfect state of the human body - i must say - especially diving, swimming and gymnastics.

take a bet?

dad's legs have swollen to a point where it hurts him badly at the slightest movement. the doctor also informed us that his blood vessels in his legs are also blocked. in fact the swell is so bad that the fluid would flow out of his wounds (that result from his scratches) and wet his pants.

when we asked the doctor how this can be tackled, we were asked if we want to take a bet. let him be or give him heparin to let the blood flow and drain the fluid. the former would mean letting him continue to suffer the pain but might allow him to survive for some time more. the latter would mean immediate death if he does not take to it well and complication arise due to the medication or the draining. we asked him. despite his weakness and inability to speak properly now, he is still lucid. he decided against the draining. he has chosen to suffer the pain.

502nd posting

ha... just realized i crossed my 500th post over the weekend! and this posting is the 502nd. wow!

see how bored i am...

oh, i had a most wonderful evening earlier on with dan, kl and bee at the airport hotel. crowne? hmmm, cannot really recall... too tired to think now. kl bought us dinner and it was really good talking to them. now, there is only one slight problem... the coffee i drank is keeping me awake! and i will have to get up at 6.15am later! and i have a briefing to make at 8.30am!

argh!...

sunday routine

it's sunday and it's back to sunday routines... wake up, marketing, breakfast, floral arrangement, cooking, washing dishes, washing clothes, drying clothes, house cleaning,... yadda yadda yadda... it funny how we eventually gravitate to some sort of routine stuff in life.

perhaps it's age. but i look forward to routine stuff these days. dynamic and fast changing things stresses me out. and i can certainly do with less stress. especially at home.

oh, yes, i did some things different today. i bought mum a new sarong. and rather than putting flowers in a vase without arranging (ya, natural beauty as an excuse for laziness), i did some floral arrangement today. and topping the list, i polished my car! now, does that mean a thunderstorm is brewing?...

hmmm.

happiness in giving

in my 10 years living in my current place, i have had my fair share of very nice and very ugly neighbours. i was lucky in that the immediate neighbour had been most kind and easy going people. i have also seen their kids, benedict and his brother, daryl, grown... from little babies to big boys now. and very naturally, i have come to accept them as part of my immediate community. last week, while i was at the lift landing, betty, the mother, asked benedict, to tell me what he had told her. benedict was too shy. and betty told me that he wanted to ask if i could get ndp tickets for him. i told him that this was beyond me and that ndp tickets was based on balloting and that i myself was not able to get what i wanted. he took it in good spirit and closed his house door. but i could sense his disappointment. it saddens me.

guess i was lucky. yesterday, a colleague came to my office and ask if i wanted his tickets. he had 2. i nodded and he gave it to me on condition that i collect the goodie bags for him. i agreed. including my single ticket, i now have 3. for a short time on my drive home, i asked if i should give the tickets to my nieces. but in the end, i decided to give to betty and her 2 sons.

i came home, waited for betty and benedict to return. and when i passed the 3 tickets to them, i could see the excitement on their faces. not just benedict who was grinning widely, but betty herself was excited too. she said she had never attended a parade and that she had thought she would never have the chance ever to do so. i could see the excitement and the thrills on their faces.

as i drove out of my estate to pick bee bee from school, i thought about what i did and their happy and excited faces flashed by. and somehow, i experienced a sense of happiness. a feeling that is rather indescribable. and to me, this feeling surpassed any feeling of pride or happiness that i got from any ndp parades that i ever attended. and for that moment, i really really appreciate the phrase that in giving, you are receiving.

depressing postings

told bee bee about how some of my friends had recently started sms-ing me asking if everything was ok and whether i can manage things. also, i found out that they have found out about the recent stress i had over managing my parents. and bee bee remarked that it must be me and my consistent depressing postings i made in my blog. he pointed out that looking at my recent 15-20 entries, almost every single ones talked about some bad news.

i think perhaps i should start to focus a bit more on happier things.

:-)

gavin

got to know a new friend this week. well, in fact, i had known him for a while but i was only this week that we established some form of proper communications :-)

you see, i met him at the car park and it really intrigue me to see a dog following him all over the place one late evening sometime in may/ june this year. that incident was a memorable one and till today, whenever i think of it, it still brings a smile to my face. anyway, we eventually parted without exchanging contacts. time passed and this week, after a tan at the beach, i went back to my car and found a note. it was gavin and he had written his email on that note. he wasn't sure if i was the same person that he met that evening. i wrote a mail to him and that was how we started talking. so far, we have communicated rather well.

reflecting, i thought it was rather interesting that my recent friends were either made through chance encounters, cyber-chats, or for that matter even through facebooks and swimming pools. but i guess that is to be for many of us gay men :-)

anyway, i am glad i made a new friend.

settling my dad home

we have decided that we shall move dad home soonest possible and not go to the nursing home. over the last week, we met up with the agent and she went through all the nitty gritty details about employing a domestic helper. out of the whole conversation that evening, we finally came to the agreement that i cannot be the employer and that my brother would have to take up that responsibility. my brother resisted rather strongly about him being used as the employer. eventually when pressed for answers given that legally, based on manpower ministry's guidelines, that i cannot be the employer, a lot of things was revealed.

it was somewhat of a shock to me. from what he said, i was able to conclude that he had changed my parent's house to his name and that he had illegally rented out the flat to an indian expat family. how he had collected the rent following his taking over of my dad's house, played with shares, foot his current flat installments, moonlight as a taxi driver, under-declare his income to avoid income tax, and so on... understood finally why he had exerted pressure on me to employ domestic helper instead. finally, i get to understand how and why he had over the years, orchestrated the eventual moving of my parents out of their flat, then out of his new house to live with me and for me to manage them. i guess greed has overcome him. i pity him.

so now, my dad will, in time to come, move into his old house. and in the meantime, my brother will have to terminate the tenant's lease, hire a domestic helper, do all the administration, etc. he should now understand the stress he put me through. the devil in me feels somewhat elated that he is being put through this now. but i cannot but worry about how things will turn out for my dad cos my brother has a very bad temper... and i am not sure how the domestic helper will be able to take to his habits and temper. if things go wrong, the person who will suffer will be my dad...

pantang

in 2 days time, we will enter the 7th lunar month. this is also known as the month of ghost for those chinese who believes in it. this the month where the gates of hell would open and the wondering spirits would break loose to roam on earth amongst the living. and this the month where you will be able to see many street side altar being set up to appease the wondering spirits so tat they do not create havoc for the living.

anyway, this is also the month where something major would happen to my dad... it's consistent thing for the past few years. whether you believe it or not, my dad has always experience some sort of major problem during the 7th lunar month, safe for last year where i paid extra attention to his well-being, diet, and so on. so let's see if anything happens this year...

hmmmmm...

support

my office knew that i am having some issues managing my dad's illness all along. and when they heard about my mum also being hospitalised, i think they got really concerned. so, yesterday, i got a surprise sms from my dy boss telling me to approach them if i need help. same sentiment was echoed by one or two other colleagues. and today, my boss's secretary called and told me that my boss has asked her to sent a hamper to my mum and dad.

rather surprised by this sudden responses. but nonetheless, appreciate their concerns. it is perhaps simple acts like keeps a person going. not the hamper per se. but the moral support. the thought that if i need help, i have someone whom i can turn to is a very powerful motivator in itself.

and this support, i must add, comes not only from my office, but from my friends. and i sincerely thank them for it. to my friends, (you know who you are), thanks.

not me

there are many things i did over the past two days that i have never done before. and i reckon i am behaving as such becos i have reached my threshold and that if i don't do it, i would either end up going insane or end up killing someone. now, let's see what i did...

• i cannot but label my brother `scumbag'... cannot find a better word to describe him. finally, all the things he has done behind our back is slowly coming out... no need to go into details. just enough to make me give him a label. and that in itself is something i have refrain from doing to people.

• i threatened to destroy my eldest sis's family if she insists on converting my dad again. enough is enough. despite all the pleading not to preach and try to convert my dad at a time when he is sick and confused... and to let him die peacefully, she has, yet again, asked her church people to come to the hospital to preach and to pray for him. come on, she has not seen how the old man fell to the floor and cry. how he kept saying he is being forced by her to convert despite him not wanting to do it. how he kept saying he wanted to be with his mother (my ah ma) and father (my ah gong) when he dies. and she has not even understood the length to which he had given instructions about how he wanted to be sent off... buddhist funeral, cremation, ashes to be kept at lim chu kang, etc. understand her good intentions, but if she wanted to do it, at least make sure he is coherent and of sound mind... not at this time of his life and confuse him... also, i don't agree with my brother-in-law that she's doing this because she is staunch. i'd rather think she is crazy. how could she possibly advise my parents not to take their medication and just pray. for according to her, by praying, they will be rid of all their illness (depression, cancer, kidney failure, etc etc etc)... wtf!
  

• spoke at length with my second sis and told her that it is really up to her now to let go of her past baggage caused by my dad. something we seldom talk about amongst our siblings. but something i wanted to share with her now. and to also tell her that once both my parents pass on, i will disappear from their lives.

• i now totally ignore my eldest sister. cannot accept how she now turn around to me and tell me that i only have myself to blame to come to this state of affairs in managing my finances, my house, etc. and that i can only blame myself and not them for their perceiving that i am a very very rich person because of my position and that i live in a condo. i cannot accept all these nonsense from her cos she has all along been the only one that i share all my tensions. and that i continue to live in a condo so that i can continue to provide quality living for both my parents. and have, considering all my siblings individual issues, taken the sole responsibility to provide for my parents, their medical bills, their daily needs, etc for her to now turn and bite me when i ask for support, i felt very betrayed. things like this changes a person. and for me, it kills a part of me and hardens me in a way nothing else could... well, apart from coming out.

discharged

got a surprise call from the hospital today. was told that my mum could be discharged. this the shortest hospitalisation i have experienced for her. apparently, they did some scan for her, took a total blood count, some other test, gave her lots of injections and concluded that she was not suffering from stroke and that the scan of her brain did not show anything to be concerned about.

and since she has stabilised and is feeling less giddy, she has been given the green light for discharge. so, happily, i went to pick her, visited my dad, and then brought her out for dinner and home. finally settled her down to her routine, briefed and packed her medications for her and then left home to discuss about the domestic help issue with my brother and brother-in-law.

mum's hospitalised

tis morning, mum complained of dizziness/ giddiness again... been doing so for the past 2 weeks... felt that this had gone on too long to be comfortable and decided to bring her to the a & e. might as well, since i had to go for my regular blood test. sgh decided to admit her in the end.

don't think i will be able to manage mum in sgh and dad in cgh and decided to transfer mum to cgh instead. so, after all the observation, injection, etc... i finally got her settled into cgh. left home at 8.30am and only managed to reach home at 3pm...

tired...

as she was under observation, i popped in to take a look at dad. showed him my convocation photo and he was happy. he then went into this self-talk where he mutter about how a phd holder can earn a lot of money every month and so on and so forth... if only life can be so linear and simple...

sighs...

annual vaccination

brought sapphie for her annual vaccination last evening. i was 4-months overdue.

as usual, she was petrified of the vet and she trembled (from head to tail) violently when we walked into the room. i had to hug her for the vet to inject her. she somehow has this fear of vets and needles. it was over very quickly. she weighs 18.5kg and to the vet, she is a little overweight. very soon, i will have to switch her diet from a normal adult diet to a mature dog diet. this will help to reduce her fat intake and keep her within healthy weight range.

and oh, while at the vet, i went through her records and realised that i have had her birth year wrongly reflected in her blog, dogbook, etc all along. she's born in 2000 instead of 1999... so yup, have just gone into all her urls to update them. and as of now, she's one year younger.

:-)

convocation

finally. attended the convocation today. Lk and bee was there. it was boring, as usual. then again, the thought of wearing the robe and parading up to receive the scroll, the 5 seconds of fame and the recognition of achievement motivated many of us post-graduates to attend.

the last time i attended a convocation was in 1991 when i graduated from my bachelor (honours) degree. 17 had passed. i shared with raymond and yazid two days back that this time round, the feel was very different, somewhat muted. and looking old (well, ok - looking mature) certainly dampened the feel of the event. you see, when i went to collect my certificate and my gown last month, there were many vendors that lined the auditorium. and they were rushing to the sweet young 20-something year olds to sign up for this, sign up for that etc. and then when i walked through them, none of them actually approach me! wtf! i should have felt very much offended.. but arh well, i guess i looked too mature to come across as a `to-be-graduate'. perhaps, i might have even come across as someone who had gone to collect the gown for his son or daughter! so, for that, the vendors were forgiven :-)

today's ceremony was no different from any other ceremonies i had attended before... get seated, stand to welcome the entrance of the provost, dean and academic staff, national anthem, speech, certificate presentation, national anthem and end. but two things stood up - there was a short performance by a yang qin and a sheng player; and the really really bad speech by the girl who delivered the valedictory speech.

it's a first for me to attend a ceremony where in the middle (when every one was either asleep or nearly dead) to be rudely awakened by a performance... :-) but the worst part of it all was the damned bloody lousy speech at the end of the presentation. not only was the content bad, she even delivered it in a slang that sounded neither chinese, english, american or any language i know... and to top it off, amidst her lousy speech that did not seemed coherent at times, she suddenly shouted out through the mike, asked all of us in the gallery to stand up, turn around and thank our parents... this little `order' put almost all of us post-graduates seated in front (more of half the graduates attending the convocation) in a fix - many of us did not invite our parents... it was funny cos suddenly half the audit did not know whether to stand or sit. and many were talking aloud - what parents? my (friends, husband, wife, kids...) are here... but well... in the end, we obliged. we all stood, turned back... and followed suit in the clapping. and before we can turn around, she said (in an almost inaudible voice now) thank you and went off the stage... we were all left standing not knowing wat to do!

could see all the tensions in the face of the post-graduates. it was bad. but in a way, i could also see the forgiving face of the post-graduates. it was after all, a phase of life that we had gone through. and for that, we smiled, took our seats again and the ceremony ended soon after...

solutioning

today, all of us (me and my siblings) met up with the social service co-ordinator to listen to her advise on the options possible for my dad. he is deemed sufficiently fit for discharge but with lots of qualifiers of additional care, etc etc etc. it was an excellent session. one that allowed each and everyone of us to understand the options, the cost involved and who's the best person to solve the issue. in a way, she facilitated the sharing and thru it, allayed our apprehensions of domestic helps, of nursing homes, and so on.

to me, the best part of this sharing was not so much about allowing the social service co-ordinator understand our dilemmas, but rather, it allowed us (especially me) to indirectly tell my siblings all the tensions and problems i had faced over the past years as the primary caregiver; and for me to make them understand how they had taken me for granted. also, it convinced my siblings that it is not at all a viable option to just assume that a domestic help would solve all the issues. there are also issues of ensuring the house is elderly-safe, costs, commitment, time... the co-ordinator stated very clearly that my dad cannot stay alone at home and that he needs someone who is fit and strong enough to be with him 24-hours a day. it was an interesting conversation that showed the colours of each and everyone. that is another story altogether. sad. disappointing. but i accept it as a fact of life.

by the end of the sharing, we all finally agreed that we should engage a nurse-trained domestic help and that we should house him in my brother's house because of the physical constraints of my house (such as toilet and bathing space too small, corridor too narrow). there is also a need to do minor modifications to my brother's house to make it elderly-safe. in the meantime, while we source for the domestic help, we will house him in a nursing home. we also agreed that we will split the cost of taking care of my dad... (altho i really do not know how this will unfold...)

once this option was presented to my dad, he cried. it took a little while to convince him that we really needed the time to settle the preparations and source for the domestic help and that we are not trying to get rid of him. in the end, he accepted. let's see how these new arrangements unfold. for a start, my mum was rather uneasy and is already thinking of packing up and staying with my brother...

touched

two of my nie coursemates (yazid and raymond) asked me out for dinner yesterday and took me to a thai massage. i did not realise but they had planned for it to be a treat to me for helping them in their module. but what touched my most was the fact that they (and sharifah - another coursemate) bought, signed and presented a thank you and congratulations card to me. apart from congratulating me for graduating, they also thanked me for my sharing during the course and wrote in the card that they had learned a lot from me. they also urged me to go for phd.

frankly, i had known about the dinner and the massage as raymond had mentioned it before. but what i was not prepared for was the card. simple gesture, but it told me i have made an impact on them. so much so that they went about getting it. and for me, one who is not used to receiving appreciations and thanks, i felt somewhat embarrassed. but yes, i am touch by their gesture.

unruly kid

two days ago at the hospital, there was a new patient in the ward. it was a super duper fat and obese teenager. when he was warded, he was put on `crib (complete rest in bed)' and `no food and drink'. this instruction was displayed on the head of his bed. when his mum arrived, and saw that instructions, she shouted out to the nurses and demanded an explanation as to why he is to be kept off food and drinks. she sounded very fierce and very unreasonable. when the nurses couldn't give an acceptable explanation, she shouted at the nurse and asked for the doctor. and she would run through all the reasons given by the doctors and gave her opinion as to whether their decision is `fair' or `not fair'. very haughty behaviour. i couldn't take it and left.

yesterday, when i visited my dad again, the mum was seated by the side of the bed playing some phone games. and the sound was echoing across the ward `tut tut... tut tut... tut tut... tieew, tieeeewwwwww....' ya,... some space craft shooting in some inter-galactica war... as for the son, he was lying with his shirt off and his blubber overflowing all over... hmmmm... ewwwwweee, and next thing i knew, the son shouted at the top of his voice `jessica!!! come!!! i want to talk to you'... dr jessica, who was walking pass some distance away, waved at him and air-whispered / mouthed that she was not able to talk to him as she needed to attend to other patients first. the mum looked up, smiled and said to the son, half shouting... `ah!!! ah!!! can you don't keep calling the doctor or not!!! they very busy one. cannot always come and talk to you'.

what happened next took the whole ward by surprise...

the son shouted back at the mum at the top of his voice - `why you bother? does it matter to you? if i want to talk to the doctor, i call! it does not involve you... so you should just shut up!!!' the mum stared at him, kept quiet and then she went back to her inter-galactic battle...

i was really beyond words...

old man crying

my dad has been crying quite a bit of late. i think he sensed the difficulties in the family. and the key issue that worries him is that we end up quarreling and fighting amongst us siblings.

when i visited him yesterday, i reminded him that this time round, when he goes home, he cannot insist on salty food, he cannot not drink water and that he must be careful of his diet. he said ok. then he cried again, and asked me not to quarrel with my brother when he dies. there is nothing i can say except that he should tell that to my brother. he nodded his head. he knows that i am not one to pick a fight or start a quarrel. and he repeated that he does not want to see us quarrel and fight in the family. and that if we do so, he shall not rest in peace.

i could sense his urgency to keep the family intact. but i am cock sure, that once my parents goes, we will all go our separate ways, or at least my brother will disappear from all our lives. no, i do not feel sad about it. just acknowledging it as a fact that will eventually unfold. a fact that was a result of favouritism and failure by my parents to discipline my brother when he strayed/ misbehave, and choosing to chide us for not giving in to the youngest.

well, of course, it is not a time to blame. rather, for my dad, it is time to come together, or at least to keep quiet, and let him spent the rest of his remaining time peacefully.

recovered - temporarily

once again, we have been asked to meet up with the doctor. he has advised us that looking at the progress of my dad, he would likely discharge my dad over the next couple of days. he also asked us to consider the post-discharge care for him given that he needs a lot more attention now. the doctor suggested some options including specially trained domestic helpers. we asked him about the various options available and he told us that apart from domestic help, other options such as nursing homes are available. whatever the case, he said that we need to consider how we can manage my dad after discharge.

shared with him my views and uncertainties about the options. for example, my thoughts had been that domestic help may not be the full solution as he needs more medical attention and care than just simply `domestic help', and that domestic help may not know how to manage him. but on the other hand, nursing homes may come with limitations of poor environment, and so on. he agreed and told us that he would recommend a social worker to talk to us so that we can be better informed of the options available for us.

when asked how long my dad has, he gave a very muted response that while he had earlier projected 1-2 years, he was not so sure now given the frequency of the admissions. he left it at that and advised that we should be careful about his condition and that we must make sure he drinks lots of water, avoid all salt at all cost and that he needs to eat, and to pass his motion at least twice a day. kinda tricky and difficult to achieve but we have to.

on a separate note, i could see how each and everyone in the family (especially my brother) has been trying to convince people around me about the domestic help. it is very interesting to see the politics at play currently. kinda sickening if you ask me, but it is happening. how one person who do not want to talk to the other try to influence people around him to sway decision making. interestingly, also, when i suggested that we should all pay for the domestic help, a quick response was - i got no money. how much more sad can such a situation be. very hypocritical if you ask me. but well, it happens i guess. and as i said, managing the sick is easier.

asleep

everything was ok when i went back to the hospital. old indian uncle who kept pulling off his pants finally got settled when the nurse gave him sarong instead. skinny indian uncle who kept walking about finally got strapped to the bed and his bed placed next to the nurse's station. as for my dad, he was sound asleep. he remained soundly asleep after an hour plus.

and when he opened his eyes, he told me i should `go to work' and that there is no need to stay. he then went back to sleep.

i came home after that.

tomorrow, my cousin from hong kong will visit him. i can bet my last dollar that she will cry. she's the typical mainlander type of person who would even cry when she sent us off at the airport... well... we'll see....

hospital environment

just came home from the hospital to settle my dog (ie, to bring her down to pee and poo)... well, was at the hospital this evening. it was a weird and sad place. people singing aloud in the middle of the night, nurses running around to tell patients to stop taking off their pants, nurses putting body restraint on patients who, despite being so weak, refused to lie in bed and walking all over the place... and so on.

anyway, my 2nd sis was there when i reached there earlier. my dad was in his usual complaining non-stop self. and sometimes he came across as incoherent. my 2nd sis told me about his condition and how she had asked the nurse to increase their patrols. and while talking, i find myself talking and relating my tensions and frustrations about everyone - about my aunt, about my eldest sis, about everyone literally. i did not come about as scolding my sis although i sounded angry. told her it was not targeted at her. told her i needed an outlet. she took it well i guess. all the while, my dad stared blankly at us. and then he started begging my sis to bring him to the toilet to wash his buttocks. of cos my sis couldn't. we approached the nurse who came and patiently changed his diapers for him. he quietened down after that. my sis advised me not to stay the night and that we should also balance our time and energy between ourselves, looking after my mum and him.

and after she left, i left my dad alone for a while. went to the rest area to read my book. and when i went back to my dad, he was mumbling to himself about how his children did not bother to visit him, how his children had left him alone and la la la... and when he saw me, he asked me to bring him to the toilet to wash his buttock. he complained that his buttock is smelly and that he wants to use hot water to wash it. he complained that he could smell the shit and urine... and that he felt sticky and so on. and when i told him i could not help, he went into a short tantrum, pulled his pants and his diapers and tore it in the process. i told him that there is nothing much i can do as he is simply too heavy. and to stop him from pestering again, i told him that if he wants to, he can feel free to go to the toilet himself. after knowing that i will not help him, he stopped pestering. i then told the nurse to check on him. she said that she had applied cream on his buttock to prevent any itch and infection as he had the habit of scratching himself and due to the scratching, his buttock has been bruised. seeing the torn diapers, they changed it again for him. he fell asleep soon after. once a while, he would open his eyes and tell me to go for my meal, saying that the foodcourt sells mee rebus, mee siam, hokkine mee... and so on. and he would doze off again. and ever so often, he would also open his eyes and complain that my sis(s) did not visit him (!!! goes to show how confused he was)!

i then took this opportunity to step out. will go back to check on him again and if all's well, i will come home to sleep for the night.

managing people

managing the living is more challenging than managing the sick or the dying.

of bowels & food

just returned from the hospital. visited my dad after doing some grocery shopping and as expected, my brother was there. dutifully, he followed my aunt's suggestion that at least one of us should stay with my dad through the night. and when i reached there, i could sense his frustrations with the whole state of affairs. my dad had been complaining and groaning through the whole evening. and he was very inconsistent in what he said. he kept saying he is very full and did not want any food. and that, he kept complaining that he wants to move his bowels, and the next thing, he said he has passed a lot out, and then, when asked if he wants to change his diapers, he would refuse. then he would complain that he wants to pass motion again. my brother was totally flustered and i could see his frustrations. and of cos, the din that was created resulted in the old indian uncle in the next bed complaining of noise. just hope that my brother do not end up fighting with the sick indian uncle. sighs...

and i was thinking - my dad has not had any solid food for at least 48 hrs. so, how could it be that he has so much bowels to move? and i concluded a few possibilities - firstly, he was confused and that becos over the past weeks, he had been told about the importance of moving his bowels, he has somewhat been `programmed'. thus, the need to want to pass motion is an instinct and not so much a need now. this was consistent with the observation that even when he was at home, he would spent hours in the toilet just waiting for his bowels to be cleared. secondly, becos of his bloated abdomen, it had exerted a significant amount of pressure on both his stomach as well as his intestines. this created a full-effect as well as the feeling of wanting to pass motion.

could see that he was uncomfortable and i guess that was to be expected given his bloated abdomen. not too sure what we can do. anyway, my brother will be staying with him tonite. will see how the situation develop tomorrow. i might have to do it tomorrow.

surprise

i had a surprise when i visited my dad at the hospital today with my mum. as i walked into the ward, i noticed from far that he had one of his leg resting on the bed frame. this took my by surprise cos i had not expected him to be strong enough to even lift his leg up. my next surprise was when i walked to his bed. he was conscious, and was able to recognise me and my mum. and the biggest surprise was that he was able to talk to us.

5 min later, my aunt and her family came along together with my brother. they was happy to see him in such a `healthy' state. my aunt's first comment was that this was probably his final burst (before he passes away). they chatted with him happily as though he had never been ill before. and all the while, my dad got weaker and weaker. and it was obvious that he was getting tired and slipping into a state of drowsiness again. during the short period when my aunt and her family went for lunch, my dad asked for each and everyone of the family members. and for each one of us, he left some words. during this period, he would slip into his drowsy unconscious state very frequently.

is this really the last burst? hmmm... i am not sure. but i can see he needs rest. i was not too happy with my aunt for some of the things she asked of us for i thought she had overstepped a bit of her boundary. but i think she did it with all good intentions. for example, when i suggested that we let him rest, she told me that i should not, and that we should keep talking to him cos if he sleeps, he might not wake up. hmmmm... come on, the old man is tired, he needs rest. and she went on to ask my dad, who was by that time, incoherent and drowsy, if he needs someone to stay by him through the nite... he nodded and she turned to me and told me that we (either my brother or myself) should stay with him through the nite. putting me in an ethical dilemma? to have him in the hospital is to me, to be able to balance between getting him the best medical attention and getting enough energy to manage normalcy in other things such as looking after my mum, work etc. so now that she has asked, i am now faced with the question - to stay or not to stay? what if he dies when we are not around? this is the same aunt that kept insisting that i should hire a maid to look after him despite telling her that it is not a maid but proper medical care that he needs.

can be quite a pain at times. but well, i guess it is with good intentions that all these suggestions came about. so for that, i kept quiet.

managing the last moments

at the hospital, my dad was in a state where he no longer recognizes people. he was awake, and moving and his eyes opening and closing. not unlike a person who is in a state between being asleep and awake. but he didn't seemed to know who is around him at all. spoke to kl about the options we have. he shared with me his experience with manging his his grandma and her eventual demise. and about managing the aftermath of whatever decision we take. it might be one of guilt, it might be one of relieve... whatever it is, i should not be deciding alone and that whatever the decision taken, the family has to agree to it in unison. this is the type of response i want. i am clear of the medical issues and the conditions. things are definitely not favourable. but i want someone who is able to share his views based on very human factors. someone who can speak objectively in medical terms and yet give a human touch to help me decide.

surrounding the bed were my siblings, my 3rd aunt (my dad's sis), my family friend, and so on. following my talk with kl, i called for the doctor who has been looking after my dad. gathered my family and asked the doctor to explain to us again the options we have. she broached the topic of either letting him be (and of cos making sure he is comfortable and continue to treat him with antibiotics) and the option of icu where he would be hooked onto life-support machines when his condition deteriorates further. she added that the icu option will however not improve his liver nor his kidneys and that given his current state, it could also be dangerous. it was then that everyone around agreed that we should leave him as he is and make him as comfortable as he is and that he is not in pain.

and at different time of the visit, everyone around were talking about his life. my brother talked about how he has managed to bring my dad out to eat what he likes, my aunt spoke about how my dad has touched their lives, and so on. this time round, compared to 7-8 years ago when my dad vomited blood and went into a coma, it seemed like everyone is able to accept that his time has arrived. the only one that is still clinging to hope was my second sis. despite the talk of letting him slip off, she still harbours hopes of a miracle. while she said she didn't want to play god, she came across as inconsistent at times. at one stage, she said we should sent him to icu and see if it can revive him, even if it is for 1-2 days. this way, he will be able to see his family members again. then she added that if after 1-2 days, he fail to revive, we could then consider pulling off the plug... contradicting. but well, i guess she is clinging to whatever hope left. she smsed me to tell me that she has not given up hope of a miracle. hmmmm... perhaps she has watched to much tv serial... or perhaps it is a result of her faith.

observing everyone's response, i can say that this time round, everyone is seeking their own closure and in a way, everyone is trying to manage themselves insofar as accepting the eventual departure of my dad.

what i find difficult to handle is the herd instinct - when one cries, everyone starts tearing. me too. and so what this happens, i will turn away and let everyone gain their composure before talking again.

my other worry is my mum. she is suffering from all the mobility problems and find it very difficult to visit my dad. what is more worrying is how will she be able to manage the eventual demise. yup, granted that she had spoken to my dad about it and is accepting of his departure, i can still foresee her being badly affected when he eventually leaves.

time is ticking. it may be a few hours, a few days but definitely not a few weeks.