adam

now, in this post, i want to write about adam. amongst all the many personalities that i had met and have hurt during my coming out years, perhaps adam is the most tragic one. and till today, i still feel kinda bad about how things turned out. here's the story about adam.

adam was a ex-serviceman of a unit i served sometime in the late 90s. then, i was still grappling with my own coming out and had full of problems managing a few crushes on me, and me on others. it was a highly confusing period for me. and as for him, he was grappling with his own sexuality, not about coming out per se. he had some medical issues and was posted to another unit. i couldn't recall how we met but we got along pretty well.

he told me he had a crush on me and that he couldn't control himself. as for me, well, he didn't actually know i was gay at that time but in my attempts to manage him, i came out to him. we went out a few times and through these outings, i supposed i inadvertently led him on. i told him i could not accept him due to our age difference, and added to that, i was rather paranoid about people knowing about my sexuality, and so i kinda freaked out when we went out and he, being an extroverted person (perhaps that is a face), he played with kids and talked to people. perhaps, he was just acting out his happiness of dating someone whom he had a crush, i don't know. but i simply freaked out. i went on and made a mistake when i had an ons with him in his hostel room. he saw that as an indication of my acceptance and came on even more strongly. i couldn't manage myself and his responses and didn't want any relationship with him. i left him in the cold eventually.

i learned about what happened to him from him several years later. he related the following to me, sounding very bitter and with hints of blaming me. it made me feel very bad. accordingly, after we "broke up", he went into depression. he eventually got into a relationship with a married man who treated him as a spare part, in all sense. such was the sad relationship he was in for 2-3 years. he was playing second fiddle to the married man's wife and he would often be left in the cold once the wife call up. he was a total wretched throughout the relationship. he went on to embrace christianity, got himself counselled and lived a new life. he got his name changed, got a new identity and eventually got married. he went on to father a girl. 

i met him at a shopping centre a few years later. he looked shocked and simply walked away. it was obvious he did not want anything to do with me. i was reminded of the difficult days i had created for him. i have often thought about him and hoped he was doing well since then. i saw him on the papers today. apparently, he had gotten a new identity and have started a small business. the business he started fitted him to a t. it was so exactly his personality. i did a facebook search and found him. he looked very happy, although i couldn't help but wondered if he was really so. then again, i could only wonder...

i dropped him a message. he did not reply. i simply apologize to him and wished him well. i will leave it to him. hopefully my apology will give him some closure. for me, it at least allow me to know that i have made peace with myself. i do regret hurting him back then. it was something unintended and i am deeply apologetic about it.