guardians of the universe

went for the show guardians of the universe with bee earlier.

it was an enjoyable show indeed although i must say i walked in not knowing what to expect. i had seen the trailer before and it didn't come across as nice given the characters that seemed so disjointed (they do not seemed to fit each other) considering they comprised characters like a treelike creature similar to that seen in the lord of the ring, a female version of jim carry's mask but certainly without the sense of humour, a muscled person who half-reminded me of the devil-character (cannot recall the name of the character), a raccoon similar to the rat master from ninja turtle and finally, a man who, when wearing his mask, looked like a japanese animae character or c3po from star wars.

so yeah, that was my first impression of these characters. but of cos, what kept me glued to the show was the songs and the storyline. songs from the 70s/ 80s always have this effect on me - i sing along with them. haha... and the storyline was simple enough with minimal twists, but with a lot of cranky jokes.

it was a good brainless show and i enjoyed it.

picture form schmoesknow.com

car wash

did a super duper thorough car wash today. took 3 hours of vacuuming the interior, washing the exterior and i even used the kitchen grease cleaner liquid (magic clean) to wipe the interior... the blackness and thickness of the water after a few rounds of rinsing the dirtied rag was a shocking sight indeed...

but of cos, i felt really good to have done such a thorough job and it was good to have the car smell fresh again (although i half-suspect the lemony scent from the magic clean could be toxic). but what the heck right? life's too short to be worried about such stuff. 

lol!

dad's anniversary

time flies. my dad left us 6 years ago. and frankly, i had forgotten about his death anniversary if my brother had not mentioned about it just now. we will be heading to the columbarium to pay our respects to him tomorrow. it's gonna be a long busy day...

:-)

mum's awake

well, as i have mentioned, mum has had a good many days of uninterrupted sleep. but tonight, i cam back my midnight show at 2am to find her in the living room. she said she couldn't sleep... i have just given her a sleeping pill to aid her sleep. so, all things being equal, my only conclusion was that her inability to sleep had something to do with me going out for a show.

but of cos, i am not going to stop watching shows becos of this. will have to just manage her as and when it happens again.

adam

now, in this post, i want to write about adam. amongst all the many personalities that i had met and have hurt during my coming out years, perhaps adam is the most tragic one. and till today, i still feel kinda bad about how things turned out. here's the story about adam.

adam was a ex-serviceman of a unit i served sometime in the late 90s. then, i was still grappling with my own coming out and had full of problems managing a few crushes on me, and me on others. it was a highly confusing period for me. and as for him, he was grappling with his own sexuality, not about coming out per se. he had some medical issues and was posted to another unit. i couldn't recall how we met but we got along pretty well.

he told me he had a crush on me and that he couldn't control himself. as for me, well, he didn't actually know i was gay at that time but in my attempts to manage him, i came out to him. we went out a few times and through these outings, i supposed i inadvertently led him on. i told him i could not accept him due to our age difference, and added to that, i was rather paranoid about people knowing about my sexuality, and so i kinda freaked out when we went out and he, being an extroverted person (perhaps that is a face), he played with kids and talked to people. perhaps, he was just acting out his happiness of dating someone whom he had a crush, i don't know. but i simply freaked out. i went on and made a mistake when i had an ons with him in his hostel room. he saw that as an indication of my acceptance and came on even more strongly. i couldn't manage myself and his responses and didn't want any relationship with him. i left him in the cold eventually.

i learned about what happened to him from him several years later. he related the following to me, sounding very bitter and with hints of blaming me. it made me feel very bad. accordingly, after we "broke up", he went into depression. he eventually got into a relationship with a married man who treated him as a spare part, in all sense. such was the sad relationship he was in for 2-3 years. he was playing second fiddle to the married man's wife and he would often be left in the cold once the wife call up. he was a total wretched throughout the relationship. he went on to embrace christianity, got himself counselled and lived a new life. he got his name changed, got a new identity and eventually got married. he went on to father a girl. 

i met him at a shopping centre a few years later. he looked shocked and simply walked away. it was obvious he did not want anything to do with me. i was reminded of the difficult days i had created for him. i have often thought about him and hoped he was doing well since then. i saw him on the papers today. apparently, he had gotten a new identity and have started a small business. the business he started fitted him to a t. it was so exactly his personality. i did a facebook search and found him. he looked very happy, although i couldn't help but wondered if he was really so. then again, i could only wonder...

i dropped him a message. he did not reply. i simply apologize to him and wished him well. i will leave it to him. hopefully my apology will give him some closure. for me, it at least allow me to know that i have made peace with myself. i do regret hurting him back then. it was something unintended and i am deeply apologetic about it.

again, closures

well, i reflected a little about closures in my earlier posts... but i have to quickly add here that closures are easy if you are closing it. but sometimes you need the other party to do the closure for you. these things cannot be forced upon, you just have to accept that perhaps people do not see things the way you do. and you have to simply learn to let go and move on.

just like how i had futilely expected james to apologise to me. for all his neglect. for taking me for granted. for emotionally abusing me throughout the years. but i guess he didn't see things this way. instead, he might just felt i did the same to him. i remembered him telling one of my friends years after we broke up that he was simply living his age. and to me, this remark seemed a tat cold and in-human.

then again, i have learned to move on. this is a closure that i can never get and have learned to let go. and in letting go, i have indirectly closed the issue.

closures

i am not sure about you, but for me, i do make the effort to revisit my past and close issues. issues that i could have contributed and that could, possibly linger on in a person's life. while not entirely so, these issues are largely relationship related. the following are some stories about how i close issues...

• it was related to my very demanding boss in 1999. i was part of a team organising an asia pacific event and perhaps it was the pressure, and my boss, was was a superbly demanding person, kept micromanaging and would shout and scream at me whenever anything small thing that did not seemed right to him happened. it went to a point where i could not take it anymore and i burst out at him publicly. i stormed out of the room during the event itself and did not go back to work for a while. reflecting, both of us allowed the event to get to us and there were lessons to be learned for both of us. and for me, bursting at him and storming out publicly was something that continued to haunt me for a long time. and it was until i finally apologised to him after more than a decade that i finally let it go. and as for him, he had forgotten about the incident (at least that was what he said). 

• the second story is related to managing crushes. colin was a person whom i got to know at the east coast parkway after chancing on him many many times back in 1996-97. he was confused about his sexuality. i had just come out and took the chance to proposition to him one day when it rained heavily. we were the only runners at the otherwise isolated jogging track. he went on to have a bad crush on me but for me, i was myself caught in a difficult situation where i was rejected by chong (someone whom i had a crush). chong gave me the cold treatment and i did the same to colin. i hurt him very badly. i didn't feel good about it and eventually reconnected with him when things cooled down. with a cool head, we both acknowledged that perhaps we were not ready for anything more serious at that time. we had just come out, at i was caught in a situation where i had a crush on another person, and he had a crush on me... that was so long ago. 

• the third story was amos. that was in 1999. similarly, i was crazy about him but he was not ready for a relationship. i got hurt badly as a result and eventually avoided him for a long while. years to be exact. chanced upon him a couple of times but i refused to talk to him when he came up to talk to me. i eventually decided to make peace with myself and connected with him again 2 (i think) years back. we are good friends now.

• and the last story is about adam... i'll blog separately in my next post. felt it needed a blog by itself. 

so back to my starting point. to die in peace is to live a life fully and most importantly, with no issues left unclosed. i try to do my closures all the time, even if it is decades later. i feel that being able to reconcile with oneself, and the people around us is important. of cos, importantly, as we give ourselves the closure and we try to seek closure, i also recognise that the other party also need to have the want to close it. but of cos, we cannot force them to do so. ultimately, as long as we tried, that, would be the most important step to take. 

work for government?

i received a call from a job portal today.

they had gone through my resume in my profile and thought i fit the requirements of one of their client. and so, they called to ask if i am keen to pursue the role further. of cos, my first instinct when i heard it was for a government set-up (ok, previously a government set-up, but had since privatised) was to declined it. what made it even less attractive to me was the fact that it would be an individual contributor role...

but of cos, as in all opportunities, never turn it down. it always help to use the opportunity to brush up the interview process and at the same time, network. and so with this thought, i told the lady that called me up that i would touch up my resume to what i think suits the set-up and send it to her. and for her, she was very keen to want to push for an interview for me...

well, so far, the experience has been totally different from my previous job search. this time round, i have not really done much but have instead gotten calls. quite a change ya?

:-)

stopping mum's cough

noticed mum had been coughing quite a bit recently. 

initially, i gave her her cough mixture but it didn't seem to help much. i also observed over time that she seemed to cough more at nights. and this made me suspect if indeed her cough was due to urti. i started to suspect her cough could be due to her choking on her own nasal fluid that flowed backward when she lied flat on her bed. and 4 days ago, her cough got so bad she hardly slept. for that matter, even my sleep was affected!

so, i decided to do an experiment. i placed a hard pillow below her mattress just below her head. this reclined her mattress to a certain extend and elevated her head when she sleeps. my theory was that if indeed her cough was due to her being choke, by elevating her head, i would be able to allow her nasal fluid to flow naturally and thus free her airway, thus preventing her from choking. and guess what? it worked! she slept through the night without a single cough!

she has been sleeping very well for the last 2-3 nights. then again, given her forgetfulness, she insisted that she coughed through the night and did not sleep at all. and of cos, i played along. i showered her with all my concern about her "insomnia", made a little fuss here and there about her needing to sleep early, and gave her a token amount of cough mixture before bedtime to calm her down psychologically. and of cos, the maid played along and everything turned out beautifully for mum.

heh heh.

killer tan lines

was at the pool this afternoon and when i arrived, i saw this very very attractive person when i walked into the changing room. it was someone in his 30s, very nice bod. well-build, tone, muscular but not massive, clean cut. the kinda body that some would use the term "adonis" or "greek god" to describe.

thing was, everyone, both straight and gay, in the changing room was looking at him. he was so confident of himself as he walked out of the shower room. nude and ahem, very well-endowed and totally shaved and smooth. and it was not just the body or his asset that everyone was looking at. it was his confidence and... he had 2 sets of tan lines. 

the first set of tan lines was expected, conventional, and to be expected of a swimmer. his swimming trunk tan lines. but what made it stand out was that it was a pair of japanese trunks. tiny and clear. and on his well-build body, it looked very good. and the second set of tan line was a total killer, for me at least. within his swimming trunk tan lines, he had a cock-ring tan line! wow! 

haha... nose bleed man!

:-) 

late night runs

i have been doing my exercises at 10-ish almost nightly. at times, i'd walk and when i have the mood, i'd do slow jogs. usually, my exercise will take me to the areas around my estate and the changi business park. and interestingly, i am beginning to see more people running at nights too. and last night, there were a couple of very hunky looking guys too.

nice!

lesbian @ pool

went to the pool this afternoon after dropping the car at the workshop. thought it would be good to get a tan since the car repair would need a couple of hours. 

the sun was reasonably good and i made my way to my usual spot by the practice pool. and as always, the place was not crowded and there were no more than 2-3 gay men tanning there. there was also a person in the pool and i couldn't really make out who this person was. i proceeded to my tanning deck. and as always, there were discreet glances here and there. the usual cruising tensions when gay men congregate at a particular location. but this did not last cos before long, the person in the pool stood up.

it was a lady. probably in her 50s, a very burly-looking and spotted a huge tattoo at her back. she was wearing a swimming costume but given her build, she probably came across more manly that a few of us there. wohhh... perhaps it is wrong of me to label her as lesbian for one can not really conclude a person's sexuality based on looks alone. then again, given the way she looked physically, and that she did not even bother to look at any of the guys, my only conclusion was that she's lesbian...

the interesting thing was that once she stood up, the whole cruising and glancing game stopped. and haha, when she laid down onto the tanning deck to tan, the whole cruising and glancing started all over again. and she didn't gave a hoot about it. as for the gay men (me included), i supposed you can never stop this roving eyes habit of ours. 

:-)

working from home

my chief had previously given me total free play to work from home. and even if i were to go to office, i could go in anytime i want. for example, i could go for a morning run and walk in late. to her, she trusted me totally and she acknowledged that for developers, our thinking and developing can occur anywhere, not necessarily in the office. in addition, she understood the challenges i faced when looking after my mum and thus, the flexibility to work from home would help me manage my stress.

thing is - i have never used this privilege. it seemed unnatural to me. and i feel somewhat uneasy if i were to do it. but i think i will try this out for once tomorrow. after all, more than half the department had taken leave and it would be so totally boring to be at work when there is no one around...

but still, i feel rather uneasy... 

haha...

47-48 (2)

recently, i downloaded the jack'd app again. i supposed i was bored and my curiosity as to who are the gay men around me got the better of me... so. anyway, as my downloading was not for purposes of picking people up, and certainly not hoping to be picked up, i left my profile anonymous and indicated my age as 99years old. but an interesting thing happened today...

i was at the shopping centre this afternoon when i got a message from someone in his 20s.

he: hi there

me: hi

he: intro

me: 47years old

he: ok

me: well, usually this age turns people off

he: ok

he did not respond further. and i simply deleted the conversation after that. haha... i knew for sure that by mentioning my age, the conversation would end straightaway. the environment in such apps is a very real and very practical one. you see what you want, you go for it. you sense something not to your taste, you delete. and in such environment, it allows one to control the response just by feeding the right message.

:-)

47-48 (1)

i met someone as i went for my evening exercise yesterday and we chatted for a moment. the topics was rather casual and as always, the question where do you gym? came out. ermm, i don't, i responded and quickly the topic changed. he asked me for my age and i revealed that i will be 48 years old this year. and he made this remark - you must have been very cute when you were young right?

i was a little surprised and taken aback by such a remark. i simply laughed it off. perhaps he didn't realise, he had indirectly said that therefore, i am not cute now! then again, i have never considered myself cute. but, what a weird conversation, i thought.

lol!

alternator spoiled

activated the car mechanic to come to my place to replace the battery this morning.

he was professional enough to do a check on the car before he changed the battery. and after running some basic test, including starting my car with his portable battery, he concluded that my car battery was in ok condition. rather, my car couldn't start becos the alternator was spoiled.

in the end, i had to drive my car to the workshop to have it repaired. the whole repair job, complete with the replacement of the alternator cost me sgd260. i supposed the price was ok cos i had told the workshop manager that my car has less than a year left and he sourced for a recon (used, but in good condition - ie. second hand) alternator for me. nice of him and trust him to do this for me. after all, i had used this workshop for more than a decade.

and yes, need to mention that the mechanic was so cute today. he gave me such a super sweet smile and for the first time, i noticed he was rather cute-looking too. when i thanked him for the help when i left the car, i thought i saw him blushing. 

lol!

car breakdown

since last sunday, my car had been acting cranky. or rather, no, everything seemed fine until after i left the temple. you see, i brought mum to the temple and i parked my car with my handbrake on (which i usually don't) as i had to park my car on a steep slope.

after the visit, we went to my brother's place and that was when i noticed the red light indicating the handbrake was on did not go off. something must be wrong with the circuit, i thought. i tried pulling and releasing the handbrake a couple of times but nothing happened. and after a while, when i realised i could still drive the car without any issues, i left the matter alone.

and last evening, after the usual evening shopping, i couldn't start my car. the battery died. my first conclusion was - the battery had died. i had to activate my sister to jump start my car before i was able to drive it home. and i finally got it repaired today...

haiz...

obliged to save you

smsed my previous lead about what i heard about work this afternoon - that in 2 months' time, the number of office staff would be reduced by about 30%. and the letters are likely to be distributed soon. he was kinda shock and shared that whatever it is happening, he felt obliged to get me (and my staff) out of the place. 

now, this is really interesting becos everything that he said and is doing reminded me so much of what i said to my staff when i left my previous company. this is the first time i am seeing a real case of someone doing what i had previously done on someone else. karma in action indeed. and in a very positive sense too. i felt blessed. it is so very nice of him, i thought. i simply replied him that he is too nice a person to even consider it. and i am thankful.

:-)

thank you

got an sms from a manager that used to work for me 2 years ago.  the sms was so random and totally unexpected. it came in as i was walking to work and got me worried for a while. this was our conversation:

he has since changed company and is now happily employed with an institute of higher learning. but yes, i am happy everything is ok for him and that he is doing fine.

:-)

home-cooked food ideas needed!

these days, cooking dinners has become more and more challenging. i don't have any more ideas about what i can cook! haha... 

since early this year, i have started cooking dinners. it started after mum was was hospitalised frequently and the doctors said we needed to control her salt intake. and not long after that, the doctors also found that she had diabetes and advised that we should monitor her sugar intake too. in short, we have to manage her food intake as a whole. and for a start, we had to reduce taking outside food including food from hawker centres where we frequent for our dinners.

initially, i tasked the domestic help to do the cooking but mum's paranoia became an issue as she consistently suspected the food was poisoned by the domestic help. so in the end, i ended up as the "chief maid" whereas my domestic help became the "assistant maid". i would come home from work, do all the food preparation, the cooking, and setting the table while the domestic help would do the washing after dinner. and that was how grocery shopping, dinner planning, etc became a part of my weekend morning routines.

it had been about half a year. initially, we started off with me cooking daily and controlling the salt intake so much that things tasted bland. but that was necessary in view of the mum's state of health then. it was not easy too cos I had to learn through trial and error mum's tolerance to salt. things have improved. i now know how much seasoning to add to ensure the food taste ok yet without causing mum's body to go off-balance. and i have also reached a balance whereby we eat out no more than twice a week for dinners. but the challenge these days is this - and i remember mum complaining about it all the time when i was young - i am constantly at the lost of ideas as to what to cook! 

lol! i have done all sorts of permutations for seasonings, vegetables, meats, etc... and short of cooking anything too elaborate, which the limited time i have after work makes it quite impossible anyway, i only have the options of heading out for dinners! argghhh... 

darned, i am really turning into a housewife!

blog readers

over the last couple of days, i have had quite a few of my blog readers contacting me and asking me if everything was ok. they had noted the "disappearance" of my blog and was concern about my well-being.

their concerns and the efforts to contact me really touched me.

thank you all (you know who you are).

:-) 

unmotivated

i have over the past few months, planned for some new people initiatives and have made all the necessary plans to create capacities for my team after jul 14. the work year looked so busy and exciting just a few months ago. these plans, if initiated, would have made my team and i superbly busy now.

but since the change in the top man, many good people had been asked to leave, including my chief, leaving many wondering why the lousy ones were allowed to remain. and with the general gloom and doom mood in office currently, everyone seemed so afraid to open their mouth and/ or to do anything that is seen as against the boss. 

and as for me, i have decided to delay all my plans. there is really no point to start anything people-related now, considering how the new boss sees my set-up to be very transactional. and so, these days (especially these 2 weeks), i find myself with a lot of time. i head to office wondering what i was supposed to do many a times. i feel so unmotivated. to make things worst, my colleague shared with me in confidence that the boss is slashing head counts simply by looking at their salaries, without looking at their contributions and value. 

this, to me as a hr person, is a hr-disaster. i now see the need to leave my set-up soon too. i frankly do not see anymore future in this company. and i just won't be surprise if i get asked to go too.

"that old woman..."

my second sis bought my mum dinner last friday. naturally, mum was excited about the outing. the dinner was an expensive one at a local 5-star hotel and my sis told me she called her 4 daughters along too. i knew right away would be an interesting evening. and it was. well, apart from their sibling rivalry and fights, which saw one not talking to another, i also witnessed their behaviour towards my mum. 

as a backdrop, i never fully agreed with how my sis brought up her kids. she was overly protective and spoilt them, to the point of allowing them to climb over her head. and whenever we shared our views about how she should guide her kids, she would snap at us and we ending up quarrelling. we have, over time, learnt not to share our thoughts with her. now, teaching kids values was never my sis's strong points and to me, her kids grew up totally wrong. but then again, that was how she wanted to do it and we couldn't say much. over time, everyone in the family saw her kids as ill-mannered, even my sis herself but it was too late now. then again, to the kids, they never ever considered themselves to be rude, much to my chagrin. and during the dinner, this happened. 

the dishes came one-by-one and for one particular dish, the staff asked if we wanted to eat the dish in a communal manner or to have it separated into individual portions. naturally, we asked for it to be served in individual portions. it so happened that in that dish, there was duck and as my mum didn't take duck, one of my niece asked the waiting staff not to serve her with it. we chatted as the waiting staff did the portioning near my nieces. and once he was done, he asked my niece who he should serve the portion (without the duck) to. 

"oh, serve this to that old woman over there..." uttered this niece, as she used her index finger to point at my mum. i knew she didn't mean it, but to me, by referring to my mum as "that old woman", she had crossed the line without realising it. i didn't hesitate to correct her. "halo! what old woman? that is your grandmother!" she understood my displeasure and simply nodded her head and smiled, somewhat apologetically. i generally do not chide them nor do i want to voice my displeasure. they have their own value system and can be very opinionated. and they can also be very rude to my sis but since she had allowed them to climb all over her, there is nothing much i could say.

but i think there is a certain level of basic decorum and social courtesy that they must be aware of. they can live by their standards up to a certain point. but beyond that, they have to be very conscious of what is appropriate behaviour. they have never dared to be rude to me. and certainly, i would not want to have my mum feel disrespected too (although i know they do respect my mum). and that is where i need to draw the very fine and delicate line.

but of cos, they were very nice young adults. very idealistic in their views, and perhaps come across as very naive about the world too. this is an unforgiving world.  let's hope they learn their ways fast. or they are in for a really rude shock.

looking for... dreams

i had a really difficult night last night. re-worded parts of my résumé before i slept and had so much trouble sleeping after that. and after i finally dozed off, i was haunted by a weird dream through the night and woke up feeling so bloody tired. here's how the dream went.

i was in a very urbanised place and in my dream, i was looking for someone. i knew that this person was supposed to meet me at a certain location and i knew where this place was. in fact, in the dream, i was able to fly up into the air and get a bird's eye view of where he was. i could even zoom in and see his face. chinese, fair, middle-aged, and well-groomed. he was talking to someone i knew. from my dominating position, it was easy to get a bird's eye view of things. the target person was clear. but once i was at ground-level, things started to get a little difficult. somehow, every junctions, every buildings tend to look very confusing. it was so difficult to find the person. it was so stressful.

heh heh... technically, i knew why i dreamt of this dream. let's hope this person i was supposed to meet will contact me soon.

:-)

of grasses & people

just a thought...

the grass is greener on the other side - just like how the people from the other departments/ companies seemed more attractive than the people from your own department/ company. heh, this thought crossed my mind when i was walking to office and when i saw some rather good-looking people walking pass me.

hmmm...

sg vs overseas

"uncle, have you ever considered working overseas? or even migrating overseas? it's so nice and cool right? i mean, singapore really sucks, and it's so restrictive here, why would anyone want to work or live here?" my niece mused...

well, these were questions from a very young adult... of cos there was nothing wrong with being idealistic. it was perhaps natural to be so at that young tender age (of the early 20s). but from where i am now, i think it also needs a dose of exposure and perspective to be more balanced. or perhaps, simply a more critical treatment to the thought before she says "singapore really sucks". i seriously think there is no perfect country. and wherever we choose to reside, we must make peace with what the country as to offer. otherwise, every place would be as "suckful" as singapore.

and after having seen and experienced so many countries, i can only say this - as one grows with age, one tend to gravitate towards a system that gives him/ her the most assurance and peace of mind (when it comes to supporting him/ her, materially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, etc). no?

darned! i am getting old!

 lol!

travel the world

"uncle, why don't you go travel the world and not work for say 6 months, or for that matter, 2 years? so cool right? there are so many places to visit, to see the world..." my niece asked me. 

yup, i don't disagree, but having gone through 2 periods of deliberate unemployment (and giving up my plans prematurely 6 months into unemployment), i cannot imagine not keeping my mind occupied and not having a sense of rootedness.

cool to me (at this stage of my life) is to have some me time and to do what i like, even if it is just nua-ing (literally, it means decay-ing) in bed.

:-)

cramps

for reasons unknown, i have the tendency to get cramps on my neck areas - these painful knots that stays and create helluva problems on the neck and the shoulders... 

arghhh...

work self vs self self

well, since i've mentioned about my personal self vs professional self in my previous post, i thought it would be useful to reflect a little about what i meant...

there is of cos a total self-self, as in personal self. the me that only i myself know best, this is perhaps the most private me. then there is the side of me that every one knows a part of, the part of me that i show to the public. and this is perhaps the interesting part cos depending on who interacts with me, they will probably see the side of me that defines me through their lens. so, i have the colleague me, the son me, the brother me, the uncle me, etc. and i supposed the ones who are closest to me would perhaps be able to see me in my different persona, and through that gain a very deep insight of me. but through these all, i was very clear of one thing - be clear of the invisible boundaries that may exist at times depending on which persona i assume. there are things that people may not be very comfortable about, or there are things that i cannot assume people would be interested in, or there are things that i should not go into specifics cos it either does not matter or by sharing, i might encroach into their limits of comfort. and this, i must respect.

whatever the case, ultimately, what is most important is that to the people i interact with. i am authentic and i am sincere.

:-)

ps: frankly, by the second last paragraph, i realise i was going no where... haha...

period of solitude

well, have decided to move my blog to an alternate url. was showing my colleagues some stuff online and one of them exclaimed - oh, you have a blog! ok, ok, i shall do a check and see what secrets you have!

her comments took me by surprise and frankly, i was, for that moment, a little uncomfortable. i did not think i showed it but simply brushed her off as i frantically reached for my blog setting to change it from "public" to "private". as i did, she was going around telling my other colleague that my blog is from blogger and that she saw a "66"... it didn't matter if she saw "66" or anything else. what was important to me was that i didn't want to blur the lines between my personal-self and my professional-self. i supposed we are all like onions. we all have our layers of knowns/ unknowns and only allow some layers to be exposed. 

once things got a little settled, i decided to change the url and delete whatever online trail that i might have left. and so for now, i shall continue to blog under this url. i will eventually change it back to my previous url, but that will probably be when things get a little more settled. haha... and i am not ruling out the possibility of doing it when i change job.

we'll see...

opportunity knocking?

met up with my previous boss (who left 2 months ago) for lunch today.

and he asked me if i am keen to pursue a senior position in a bank. he thought the role would fit me very nicely. have told him i am open to further discussion and that i would send him my updated résumé soon. 

let's see how things go. am keeping my options open. its interesting how such possibilities open up when you are least expecting it. but then again, it simply reminded me that good track records and good connections do go a long long way when it comes to job-hunting. just like how i landed in my current role...

fingers crossed.

sgd1.69

i closed one of my current account today. i was charged an admin fee of sgd10 for it. after deducting the admin fee, i had sgd1.69 left in it. i asked the lady to transfer it to one of my savings account and she had to fill in quite a few forms to get it done.

really very weird. a whole lot of paperwork just for that sgd1.69. 

haha!

super ticklish mum

am not sure why, but mum has been behaving very very happy and very very ticklish these past few days. its like as though she's on a constant high. she laughed over little things, she joked and she was chatty. very weird. then again, it's perhaps a good idea to just relish in her happy moods now. for all you know, she might just turn cranky all of a sudden...

:-)

feeling poor

made a partial repayment of my housing loan today. thought i'd do it before i do a repricing of my loan. the smaller instalment i need to make monthly would translate to more liquid cash to me (and of course, lower interest). and with this done, my bank account is depleted again. and that means, i now feel poor (again). this, perhaps is how many singaporeans are. asset "rich" but otherwise, everything else are locked in loans. housing loan, car loan, and so some, renovation loan, study loan, etc...

haha...

i feel for you

these past couple of months/ weeks had been very bad for my neighbours up north. first, a plane disappeared and then, another got shot down. for 2 major tragedies to occur within the last few months, i thought it was highly unfortunate and if there is really a superior being up there, he must have been very unfair to them (for the record, i do not prescribe to superior beings). it goes against all logic for it to happen twice to the same airline. a life lost is a life too many. and to have 2 aeroplane load of people disappearing just like that was seriously unimaginable. and it hit me a little worst as i myself am in the airline industry.

the local newspapers and media have been reporting almost non-stop about the most recent disaster. admittedly, i got a little desensitised to them over time. but today, i see many pictures of cabin crews crying openly. i felt sad when i looked at the pictures. it was unnatural. as unnatural as how an aircraft could disappear or downed just like that. cabin crews are supposed to be happy, campy, spontaneous, loud and excitable. that is the "normal" image of cabin crews. that is how my cabin crews and all the cabin crews from other airlines that i had previously interacted with behaved. cabin crews are not supposed to look sad, much less, cry openly.

there is nothing much i can do for them other than to wish them strength during this very difficult time. and during this period where many in the region celebrate eid, it is perhaps also timely to contemplate about life, about relationships, and about appreciating the people around us.

pictures from www.themalaymailonline.com, www.thestar.com.my, www.rappler.com, www.themalaysianinsider.com

diversity & i

thought i'd write a bit about how i see diversity. and i thank john who made a comment in this post. his comment gave me the inspiration to write this post. i will narrowly define "diversity" in terms of culture, race and religion in this post. here's my reflections, read on...

racism vs preference

these days, many people have gotten themselves confused between the concepts of racism vs preference. i extract here the how the word "racism" has been defined in dictionary.com:

as well as how the same site explain the concept "preference":

it is very clear to me (and explained by dictionary.com) the difference between the two concepts.  in the case of "racism", behind an (usually negative) act, there is an underlying belief of superiority over the other person (of a different race). this is distinctly different from the concept of "preference" that simply refers to one person's choice without going into the details of why he prefer one over the other. without trying to explain further, we can also see that these two concepts are not necessarily mutually exclusive. whatever the case, it is very dangerous to assume a person is a racist simply because he/ she shows a certain preference of one particular race over another. 

so, why do we see more and more people confusing between these 2 concepts, i can only second guess the following reasons:

• lack of understanding of the concepts
• wrong use of words
• making of unsubstantiated assumptions about a person's preference

whichever the reasons may be, it is useful to be clear about the meanings of the words we use, understand them, and using the right word at the right time, and more importantly, never to make assumptions. but i have a more interesting question:

can a person be racialistic towards his own race?

what do you think? a simple question, as a kid, i was very close to my mum. and given her usual stories of how she was badly treated by my dad's side, i tend to see them in very negative light,  rough, uncouth and uncultured. instead, i chose to identify myself closer to my mum's peranakan chinese roots and culture. so, technically, i was a chinese but chose to see chinese in very negative light. does that mean i am a racist? of cos, i have my answers now. but it would be interesting to hear any other thoughts about it.

and yes, i thank john for allowing me to clarify the differences between these 2 concepts.

salam aidilfitri 2014

this is an old classic hari raya song. 

but to me, it is one of the most memorable, 

a song that always bring back sweet memories of my childhood days.

and i am posting it here to wish every muslim a very 

happy hari raya aidilfitri 

maaf zahir dan batin

:-)

picture from wecomanagement.wordpress.com

bottoms up

had a good laugh earlier on.

we came home from my brother's place and i decided to open a bottle of red wine. thought it would be a relaxing thing to do, sipping wine and eating ground nuts as we watch the evening tv. i had chilled the wine in the fridge since last night.

i brought out the wine, opened it and poured a glass for mum. once done, i went on to pour a glass of it for the maid and myself. and as i poured, the maid exclaimed, wah! ah ma! i turned my head and saw mum holding an empty glass! she had apparently down the whole content of it at one go! yup, she did a bottoms up!

doing a bottoms up for wine is something i rarely see. and when i told mum about it, she simply said she was thirsty. haha! it had been an hour and she seemed ok still. let's hope she remained this way and doesn't get drunk.

haha!

month of "festivities"?

once again, we will be experiencing one of most interesting lunar month this year. 

the seventh chinese lunar month that starts tomorrow. the seventh month is traditionally commemorated by taoists as the month where the spirits and wandering ghost would roam the earth. so to many taoist, the seventh lunar month is not a good month. those superstitious would stay at home after sunset, and restrict themselves form doing all sorts of things they would normally do for fear of offending those spirits and wandering ghost. but to buddhists like me, i am not superstitious. the seventh month is considered a good month, a month where we pay respects to those who have passed on and to do good deeds as we dedicate merits to them. and this year, for the muslims, they will be celebrating the holy month of eid, what we termed as hari raya puasa in south east asia. added to that, singapore will also be celebrating our national day on 9 august.

so, depending on which angle you see it, there will be some sort of celebrations/ commemoration activities of sorts throughout this coming month. something very singaporean (and malaysian too? considering their national day falls end august)?

lol!

hurt my back again

went to my brother's place and played with my nephew.

as always, i would play "one-two-three" with him. to us, "one-two-three" has always been a game where i would grab his waist, count to two slowly, built his anticipation and at the count of three, throw him into the air and to grab him as he drops down. he always squeal in delight whenever we play this game.

but today, as i grab him, i pulled my back muscle. the kinda of feeling that reminded me of my bad experience of spraining my back. ouch! the pull was slight, but it was a rude shock to me. i decided to stop playing this game. i had not realised he had grown so heavy so fast! or... perhaps, i had grown old so fast. haha! whatever the case may be, stopping the game was perhaps the most sensible thing for me to do. 

i need to rest for the long weekend!

:-)

exhibitionist chat group

a friend included my name into a local chat group that he administers in line recently.

the group is called "sg exhibitionist". it was an interesting chat group that is opened only to members. and i noticed that despite having close to 50 participants, the so called chat was dominated by no more than 5-6 persons. members of the chat group do contribute their own photos (nudes largely) to the chats or post links to porn sites that they frequent.

and looking at the nature of the chats, it struck me that some of the members are more naturalists than exhibitionists. and for that matter, looking at how many chose to remain quiet instead of chatting/ contributing (like me, haha!), perhaps a better name for the group might be "voyeurs"...

:-)

stop blogging?

lately, i suffer from the lack of inspiration to blog. and i have considered stopping blogging altogether.

and i asked myself why. everything seemed so mundane and so uninteresting. and when i reflected, i realised that my motivation to blog has changed somewhat from wanting to simply document my life and experiences, and in the process to learn about myself, to now also include what i think will interest my readers. and thinking of topics that would interest readers can be quite difficult. 

this is not good. need to revert back to my intent of blogging in the first place.

and with this reminder, i start having blog diarrhoea again.

hahaha!

impending end of car life

my car will reach it's ten-year lifespan next jul.

and i have, at least for now, decided that it would not be a practical nor logical thing to get a new car. i certainly do not want to fork out 80-90k just to obtain a certificate to purchase a new car. and this situation will probably continue to be so for the next 6 months or so, given the limited cars to be released into the market by the government to curb local vehicular population. and i also do not think getting a used car would be a good thing too. it will probably cost me some 80-100k too, and not to mentioned the increase likelihood to have to spend monies along the way to repair and maintain a used car.

for now, the only reason i have, if ever, that would ever make me think otherwise would be my mum's mental well-being. apart from using my car for practical reasons such as medical reviews, visits to my bother's place, i use my car daily for meals and to ensure she gets mentally engaged by the sights and sounds of the environment and people. this, i believe, is the key reason why she has sustained thus far. i half-suspect that once the car goes, her mental-health will also go. 

well, let's see how she is in the coming year. 

there is still time to ponder over this. 

consolidation of accounts

i am in the process of consolidating my accounts. 

realised that i am paying unnecessary monies to the banks monthly becos i do not meet their minimum sum or i do not issue cheques. and interestingly, this whole process of consolidation would take time as i have spread out my giro payments of my bills to different accounts over time. 

hmmm...

bad customer service

i am very unhappy with my bank lately. it has very bad customer service. i was unhappy enough to write in yesterday to their customer portal to demand a response, which they did eventually. and despite all the explanations, their reputation, in my eyes, is already tarnished.

what happened was this. i took a housing loan with the bank and had done a repricing with them in sep 2012. the lock-in period for the loan will expire in sep 14. anticipating the increase in interest rate once the lock-in period expires, i decide to contact the bank to do another round of repricing last month. and i did it two months ahead of time as i wanted to give both myself and the bank the time to go through the process slowly, without rushing. but my intent did not turn out as expected.

the lady customer service staff took almost 2 weeks to call me and told me i needed to submit a list of documents before they would consider my re-application. she told me they needed to confirm my creditworthiness. i thought this was weird, considering i had been using their services for more than 3 decades and am an existing housing loan client. nonetheless, i submitted what i needed and she emailed me back telling me the bank would require time to consider my application and that she would get back to me within another 14 days to approve my application. a few days later, i got a missed call from her. i called back but there was no response. i decided to write in to her and got an auto generated response that she had resigned. i did what i needed to do, i called the call centre and was advised that my "case" had been given to another service staff and that he would call me back shortly.

that was more than 3 weeks ago. clearly the 14-day response time had lapsed and it had been more than a month and a half since i initiated the process.

yesterday, i wrote a mail to the contact centre expressing my displeasure and how their lack of response was highly unacceptable. the guy that had taken over my case called me back late-afternoon with all sorts of cock-and-bull story about how he had so many cases to handle. i simply thanked him for calling back and asked for details about the repricing rates and the way ahead. frankly, i don't care about all your sob stories about back-logged cases, people resigning etc. these are your internal issues to resolve. you have stated a service standard of 14-days and you have failed to deliver. period.

i have given enough considerations to time to allow your back-end processes and to prevent my having to pay additional interest arising from the change in interest rates. and i will not pay the additional interest rates if my repricing application did not get approved due to your failure to response.

hmmph!

medical review

went for my medical review at the hospital's otolaryngology department yesterday.

no major issues apart from infrequent occurrences of back flow, runny nose and cough. updated the doctor that i had stopped the nasal spray as previously advised - that i should stop if i felt things got overly dry, but this new doctor advised otherwise. do not stop it, you should continue using it. hmmm... not the first time already. seemed like different doctors do, occasionally give different advice. guess i have to start the overall process of administering the nasal spray twice a day again.

let's hope i don't get a different input when i visit the clinic again in 2 months time.

lol!

busy week

been a busy week.

but not busy with my work. had been busy doing things that, i thought, my other colleague should be doing. but i did it becos i cannot allow this new project to fail as it was the final week of actions before the new system/ portal is launch this coming week. 

then again, i told myself - department above self. just get it off. 

a smooth start is necessary. 

accountability, lack of it

accountability is something that is seriously lacking at my workplace.

sighs...

inconsiderate elderly persons

there has been lots of publicity about how we, as a society, be more gracious and should show considerations to persons who need help. many quipped about incidents where public do not give up their seats to the elderly, the frail, the expectant mums-to-be in public transport. i think these remarks are valid and warrants lots of reflections and possibly drive the conversation amongst singaporeans about how we can be more gracious as a whole. but yesterday, while on a relatively crowded bus, i saw this elderly gentleman placing his bags on the seat and in doing so, denied many others a seat. the elderly gentleman, for that matter, was sitting in the middle of 2 seats. 

and looking at his behaviour, it kinda suggest that he knew it was not right but chose to continue with this inconsiderate act. kinda regretful cos in doing so, he had set a bad example and allowed people to cite him as an example to justify their refusal to give up seats to elderly people. yup, there are full of such people around. while we focused on how to educate people about showing considerations to the elderly, the frail, etc, these people need to also know how not to take such courtesies for granted and to also reciprocate with similar behaviour.

you think?