Grateful 28 & 29 Apr: Navigating X

I didn’t post an entry yesterday. I was too drained and by the time I wanted to, it was close to midnight. I chose to prioritise rest. So for today, I want to pen a few things that I am grateful for over these 2 days: 

• Navigating Life. I had an over 3-hour chat with a peer coach who is going through quite a bit at the moment. I could relate to many of the challenges she shared - depression, retrenchment, losing loved ones and so on. I have experienced these on a personal level. On my way home, she texted me to express deep gratitude - for helping her process her thoughts and giving her clarity on what to focus on moving ahead. In turn, I felt grateful for the chat. It reminded me of the principles I have come to hold on to - and how I want to show up for others. 

• Navigating Career Choices. I had a long WhatsApp exchange with an ex-colleague who is currently between jobs and overwhelmed by multiple responses from potential employers. We walked through her thought process together. These decisions are not easy, especially when they intersect with personal, financial, and family considerations - made more difficult by competing priorities in the short and long term. We slowed things down to make sense of what actually mattered to her. 

• Navigating Career Directions. In a separate conversation with another person, we spoke at length about career and direction. It has been 3 years of such regular sessions, and I notice recurring themes. Yet, despite intentions to follow up, much is often not acted upon. I could sense selective listening - he focused on what felt important in the moment, but avoided the core issues. I recognised that pattern. I have been there myself. Still, these conversations give him a space to speak openly. It also means something that he is able to share things he does not even tell his wife - his deepest fears and thoughts. 

• Navigating Termination. I had been in conversation with someone about her termination. It had been a long, drawn-out process, and I was glad she has finally accepted the terms offered by her employer. She will be leaving tomorrow. I managed to speak with her today to check in on how she is doing and whether there is anything I can help with. It was good to see her in high spirits - a huge contrast to the downtrodden and angry person I spoke with two months back. I am glad she is able to part on good terms.

• Navigating Finality. I visited T at the hospital again. This time, the conversation took a more sombre turn. He shared that he has decided to stop all treatments and be transferred to a community hospital to spend his final days. He spoke about it in a very matter-of-fact way - no bitterness, no sadness, just a quiet acceptance of the journey ahead. It was also a practical decision. There is no cure, and any further treatment would only prolong the pain. I mostly kept quiet and listened as he shared his thoughts. There was no need to respond. If anything, I wasn’t sure what I could say. In a way, I am glad he has come to this decision. 

It is empowering to know that people around me feel comfortable reaching out when they are at crossroads. Draining as it can be, I am glad to walk with them through their thought processes. At the same time, I recognise that showing up for people is not always about guiding or helping them find answers. Sometimes it is about asking the right questions. Sometimes it is about holding space. And sometimes, like today, it is simply about being present and bearing witness, without needing to say anything at all. I am grateful for the trust and for the opportunity to be part of these moments. In their own way, they continue to shape how I understand presence and patience.

Grateful 27 Apr: In Sickness & In Health

Today passed very quickly. It felt as though one moment flowed into the next, and before I knew it, the day had ended. Today centred around people - people I connected with, and who in turn shared their challenges and experiences with me. Let me reflect on what happened today, and what I am grateful for.

• Letting Go. I visited T again at the hospital. It was good to see him still able to chat despite his pain. More importantly, he was able to speak openly about his condition and prognosis - about 3 months. What stood out was his clarity. He spoke about having done what mattered to him, having had the closures he needed, and being ready to go whenever the time comes. It was not an easy conversation and I had to be extremely sensitive. We agreed that all of us (myself included) have an expiry date and that we are all in the same queue. The only difference is - we do not know when our turn is and that it is beyond us, 人算不如天算. I was glad I could simply be present and hold space for him in that moment. If anything, I hope it gave him an outlet to express what was in his heart.

• Celebrating Health. I went for my regular health check today, a follow-up to the urine and blood tests from a couple of weeks ago. There were no concerns. My health markers were all in good range, and the doctor agreed to gradually reduce some of my medication, with the intention of eventually stopping them altogether. This feels like a reassuring step forward in my health journey.

• Celebrating Life. In a separate conversation with a former colleague turned coachee turned friend, I learned that he has moved into a new place. At the same time, he shared that his wife had found a lump in her breast and gone for a biopsy. It came as a shock to me, and I could sense the worry beneath his words. Later in the evening, he updated me that the result was benign. What a relief. That news lifted the emotional weight of the day quite a bit. There were also other brief exchanges - another friend sharing about dealing with alopecia and wanting to meet, and another letting me know she had taken a step towards becoming a coach.

Today was ultimately about people in different states of their journey - some facing uncertainty, some finding relief, and others moving forward. Through these conversations, I am reminded of how closely life and vulnerability are intertwined. I am left with a deep appreciation for the chance to witness these moments, and to be present, even briefly, in the lives of those who crossed my path today.

Grateful 26 Apr: 生老病死

I’m in a reflective mood today. I’m at an age where I can look back and appreciate the various stages of life. I am grateful for life’s experiences, with all their ups and downs. It so happened that today, I came face to face with many aspects of life’s realities. So let me reflect a little on them here. 

• Birth 生. It’s nice to see birthday greetings coming in for an ex-colleague in the group chat this morning (even as she subsequently clarified that her birthday was last month). Still, I’m grateful for this positive moment, especially as it balances the recent news of the hospitalisation of a friend and another friend’s mother. 

• Growing Old 老. I’m growing older by the day, and I’m better able to appreciate the aches and pains my parents used to talk about. I’m experiencing it now - waking up with aches and feeling like the body needs time to warm up. But I also recognise that being where I am is not a bad thing. I have accumulated life experience, and nothing quite replaces lived experience. In that sense, I am grateful for the wisdom that life has bestowed.

• Falling Sick 病. I woke up feeling my flu worsening. I didn’t sleep well, given the blocked nose, scratchy throat, and frequent coughing - so much so that I had to wake up to take some honey to soothe my throat. Still, I made it a point to head out for my meals and to pay a visit to T. Part of me knows I should have rested, but another part of me didn’t want to give in to being unwell. Reflecting on this, not feeling well has raised my awareness of the good health I have generally enjoyed. For that, I give thanks. I am reminded that things move in cycles, and perhaps the lesson for me is not just to push through, but also to know when to slow down and recuperate.

• Death 死. I have experienced many deaths in my life - my parents, cousins, friends, colleagues, and even my pets. That is the reality of the journey every one of us will take. I received a message last night that T, my friend with oesophageal cancer, has been hospitalised again. I have witnessed how his health has deteriorated so quickly over the past few months. I visited him in the hospital. Much as I’d love to, I didn’t stay long as it was painful for him to speak. From our conversation, I sensed his frustrations with how this illness is dragging and a quiet acceptance of the eventuality. I just listened and held space for him. I’m grateful to him for the friendship, and I can only wish him comfort and be present for him.

It’s interesting that in the course of a single day, I am reminded of life’s realities - birth, growing old, falling sick, and death, or in Chinese, 生老病死. This is a journey all of us must go through, and as a Buddhist, I accept and embrace it. More importantly, it reminds me to be more intentional with how I live each day - not just to stay present, but to choose where I place my time and energy while I still can.

Hmmm…

I wondered how many secretly wished he had succeeded…

Grateful 25 Apr: Restful

I had a very good night’s sleep, knocking off completely at 10pm. It has been a long time since I last slept that early. I slept through the night and woke up at 7.30am - and that was when I felt it: a flu coming on. So I decided that today would be a simple, restful day. No hiking, no shopping, nothing unnecessary. I stayed in most of the day, catching up on my report submission, resting, and sleeping. On that note, I’m grateful for the following:

• Home medication. I woke up this morning feeling quite miserable - my throat was tight, my body felt warm, and there was an overall ache. I was so glad I had medication at home: the usual Panadol for cold and flu, Anarex muscle relaxants, and the works. The medication helped me relax and alleviated the flu symptoms, allowing me to take a good nap in the afternoon. It was genuinely refreshing.

• Food. Despite feeling unwell, I still managed to head out for my meals. It’s comforting to know that food is always nearby. I had lunch at Simei and dinner at Bedok - familiar meals that warmed both the stomach and the heart.

• Peace & comfort. If anything, I’m proud of myself for completing all the training reports and submitting them this morning. It lifted a weight off my mind and allowed me to rest without being distracted by unfinished work. I’m also grateful for having a comfortable home - and for living alone. It allowed me to rest fully, without feeling self-conscious. So yes, today was truly a restful day, and I choose to celebrate rest. 

I had a deeply restful day, made possible by a calm mind free from the pressure of incomplete work - and, just as importantly, by simple medication that eased the physical discomfort. Personally, I think what I felt today was, to a large extent, brought on by the pressure I placed on myself over the training. I’ve been a perfectionist for a long time, and I’m starting to see that this may not serve me well moving forward - it is simply too energy-sapping. This is something I need to be more mindful of and manage.

Grateful 24 Apr: Little moments

I have finally completed the 2-day training, and I’m totally totally drained. Frankly, today started off quite badly. I didn’t sleep well last night and experienced sleep paralysis and disturbed sleep. I think I might have been too stressed about the training. But I’m really glad it ended well. I felt good. And amid this very draining day, I want to give thanks for the following: 

• Rainbow. I woke up at 4 a.m. Still, I made it a point to head out to Simei for breakfast. The breakfast and the walk gave me a sudden moment of clarity - I thought of an additional activity that I could use to deepen the learners’ understanding. But what made the morning special was the sudden appearance of a rainbow while I was walking home. It was a beautiful sight, and it lifted me somewhat from the strain of thinking about how to manage the many activities I had to orchestrate today. I’m really grateful for this moment. It’s quite lovely how such unplanned things can lift one up. 

• Creative time management. I started today worried about ending too early. Added to that, I knew it would be a very challenging day - there was content to teach, activities to run, individual oral assessments, written assessments, and a whole lot of admin to complete. And indeed, it was. I was totally drained by the end of the day. I didn’t even have time for lunch as I had to conduct the assessments through lunch. That said, I think things went more smoothly than I expected. In this regard, I want to acknowledge myself for managing to hold everything together and get through the day. I can see that it comes from the familiarity with the content and the mastery I’ve built up over time, and I’m grateful for that. 

• Supportive friends. Interestingly, throughout the day, I had friends texting me to check in and see if I was okay. Some knew I had training and sent words of support, while a couple of others simply reached out to say hello. Amid the busyness of the training and the juggling of many activities, these messages became little boosts of encouragement for me, and I’m really grateful for that. The day ended with a surprise text from B asking if I was free to meet for dinner at the airport. It was an impromptu arrangement, but it allowed me a good catch-up that lifted me quite a bit. I’m thankful for the presence of these friends and their thoughtfulness in reaching out. 

Today was a draining day. But the little moments - the rainbow, the messages, the dinner - lifted me quite a bit. And what made it even more special was that these moments were unplanned, yet came at just the right time.

Grateful 23 Apr: Purposeful Routine

I completed the first day of my two-day training today, and overall I thought went relatively smoothly. That said, the pacing was not quite what I had intended. I moved too quickly and ended up with more time than expected. I ended up bringing forward some of tomorrow’s content. I will need to think about how best to fill the time tomorrow, perhaps by designing an additional activity. Let me think about it. Anyway, training was the main focus of my day, and there are a few things I am especially grateful for: 

• Preparedness. I was well prepared, and this gave me the confidence to move through the content smoothly and respond effectively to participants’ questions. Although my pacing could have been better, my familiarity with the material allowed me to adjust the schedule and adapt when needed. What matters most is that the learners were able to follow and had a positive learning experience. I am grateful for the effort I invested in preparing, as it made a real difference today. Today’s experience reinforces my belief that we can only be truly creative when our foundations are strong. My preparedness and familiarity with the content allowed me to be flexible and creative in my delivery when things did not go according to plan. 

• Beer. After a full day of training, I felt quite drained. It has long been a personal ritual of mine since years ago to have a mug of beer after such sessions, even when I conducted training overseas during my corporate days. I continued with that routine with a bottle of beer over dinner in Bedok today. It was the natural thing to do. I am grateful for this simple pleasure as it helps me unwind and settle after an intense day. It also reminds me that such small indulgences, while seemingly trivial, can bring balance to life, especially during demanding periods. 

• Entertainment. I appreciate being able to wind down at the end of the day with YouTube. It has become a comforting routine - whether it is karaoke, documentaries, or short films, including LGBT stories that are not often shown on mainstream platforms such as the tv or Netflix. Tonight, I ended the day learning about the history of Chinese surnames and watching BL films. It felt like a gentle and enjoyable close to the day, and something I have come to appreciate more over time. 

Today was, in many ways, a typical training day - waking early, having breakfast, logging in, conducting the session, heading out for dinner, and ending the day with some quiet entertainment. There is something worth appreciating in this sense of routine. More importantly, I am reminded that it is not just about delivering training. It is about supporting my learners’ development, and that is something I find genuinely meaningful.

Grateful 22 Apr: Support

There are many things I am grateful for today - completing my training preparations, a conducive environment to work, enjoying nasi padang after quite a while (even though it was superbly expensive), and more. But I want to call out a few in particular: 

• Taking Ownership. As I had shared before, there have been changes in leadership for my training, and processes are now being split between the Sgp and overseas offices. Today, I attended a briefing by the Sgp office, which followed up on my earlier conversation with the overseas rep earlier this week. I am glad that things were clarified, and I am grateful that those involved are taking ownership and actively working to ensure nothing falls through the cracks. 

• Support. I was chatting with D, and the conversation turned rather sombre. It was about T’s (our common friend) worsening health, and how D is feeling the weight knowing there is only so much he can do. It seems to me that he is already going through the grieving process, even though T has not yet left us. Being alongside someone who is dying is something most of us will face at some point. Having gone through this many times, I have learned and possibly better prepared to navigate such conversations. I am glad I could share with D how to be present and support T in his final days. Hopefully, it helps him come to terms with what lies ahead. In this, I am grateful for the experiences I have had over the years. 

• Preparing for Interview. L is a colleague-turned-friend, and I had the opportunity to speak with her early this morning as she prepares for an upcoming interview. I am grateful for her trust in giving me the space to share some thoughts on how she might approach the conversation. I surprised myself by how naturally I was able to offer a range of practical pointers. 

It was a day that started early and ended well, knowing that I was able to support my friends through their various challenges - and for that, I am grateful.

Grateful 21 Apr: Restlessness

Since last weekend, I’ve been trying out a new routine. Instead of concentrating my walks in the middle of the day, I’m spreading them out and heading out as early as I can. Alongside this, I’m allowing myself to work outside whenever I feel like it, rather than sticking strictly to working from home. I’m still not quite used to this routine, and I think that partly explains the restlessness I felt today. In some ways, that restlessness defined the rhythm of my day - I found myself heading out to Chinatown after lunch for tea (where I ate my favourite tau sar piah), and walked around Eastpoint in the evening just to pass time. Against this backdrop, I’m grateful for a few things. 

• K. I’ve known K since our uni days, and she was the first person I came out to in the 90s. We’ve stayed in touch over the years. She reached out yesterday asking if I could help review a strategy paper, and I agreed, even though I wasn’t entirely sure how useful I could be. This morning, she sent a long message expressing her thanks and sharing the challenges she’s been facing over the past weeks. It took time for the details of the message to sink in, and I chose to respond only later. Reflecting on it, I’m grateful for the trust and openness she showed. It’s clearly a difficult period for her and I’m glad she felt she could reach out to me. 

• Work. These past weeks, work has been top of my mind. I’m delivering modules that are either new or that I haven’t taught in a while, such as the one I’m teaching this Thursday and Friday. Still, I’m grateful that I’ve made good progress with the admin prep and in re-familiarising myself with the content. There’s more to complete by tomorrow, but I think I’m on track to get there. 

• Weight. I’ve not been tracking my calories for coming to a fortnight now, yet I’ve managed to keep my weight stable. However, I can sense I’m getting a bit more rounded. I’ve been eating more freely, so while the numbers are holding, I think the composition might be shifting. I may need to return to managing my macronutrients more intentionally. For now, though, I’m grateful that I’ve been able to keep things in check without too much effort. 

Looking back, today felt unsettled on the surface, but I can see that much of it comes from adjusting to this new routine I’m trying to build. Beneath that restlessness, there were still quiet anchors - trust in a long-standing friendship, steady progress in my work, and a sense of balance in how I’m managing myself. Perhaps this is just part of settling into a new rhythm, and for now, I just have to leave it to time.

Grateful 20 Apr: Small Actions

Today is a strong reminder of the value of small, intentional actions - reaching out, creating space to focus, and taking time to clarify things. Nothing dramatic happened, but the day ended well and I’m grateful for that. 

• Tr. We met during a coaching module two years ago, and since then have caught up occasionally to peer coach each other, or simply to catch up. It’s been about 4 - 5 months since we last met and I decided to drop her a simple message to check in. As it turned out, she had just lost her job last week. The timing felt almost uncanny. We’ve arranged to meet next week. I’m glad I reached out and hope I can help her sort through her thoughts. 

• Focus. I went to the library today - something I haven’t done in a long while. I thought a change of environment might help as I worked on developing an activity for this week’s training. I didn’t expect to get so absorbed in it, but I did. Time passed quickly, and within 2 - 3 hours, the work was done. I’m thankful for that kind of deep concentration - it doesn’t always come easily. 

• Clarity. I had a call with the overseas office today. Since my team lead’s departure, I’ve had some lingering questions about how responsibilities are now split between them and Sgp. The conversation helped to clear most of that uncertainty. It wasn’t everything, but it was enough to give me a better sense of things. I’m looking forward to the call with the Sgp office later this week. 

If there’s one thing I’m taking away from today, it’s that small actions do add up. A simple message, a change of space, a conversation - each helped in its own way. Nothing big, but enough to feel settled, clear, and grateful.

Grateful 19 Apr: Small Moments

I will focus on little moments that I’m grateful for today: 

• Compliments. I’m grateful for the unexpected thank you and compliment I received from a peer trainer today. She shared that she achieved a 4.8 (out of 5) rating for her training, which was her first time conducting a difficult module. Her message came as a surprise. I’m grateful for the trust she placed in me and that I could support her in some way. 

• Calm & Collected.I’m grateful for the calm I felt after visiting the temple this afternoon. I had spent the morning at home working and felt the need for a pause. The visit, though impromptu, turned out to be timely - it coincided with the god’s upcoming birthday, and I was able to make my annual donation and update my records. The quiet and familiarity brought a sense of steadiness.

• Bak Chor Mee. It’s been a long while since I had bak chor mee, and it tasted especially good today. I forgot to ask for mee kia and was given mee pok instead. It reminded me of mum - her preferred choice. A small oversight, but one that brought back a warm memory. I’m grateful for that. 

The moments may be simple, but they brought calm, warmth, and a quiet satisfaction in being part of someone’s progress today.

Grateful 18 Apr: Treetop Walk

Today, I’m grateful I chose to pause. I decided to put my well-being ahead of work and take a break from training prep, even though there’s still quite a bit to be done. Instead, I went for the treetop walk - and it turned out to be the best decision of the day. 

• Good Company. On the bus to Venus Drive, I noticed a bear - Chinese, bearded, in his 30s - seated in front of me looking quite stressed - his phone was at 10% and his portable battery wasn’t doing much better. I wanted to help as I had a fully charged portable battery but couldn’t at that point since I was getting off soon. As it turned out, he got off at the same stop as me, so I asked if he needed help, which he accepted sheepishly. We ended up heading to the same place and walked together, chatting along the way. He from CA Orange County and this was his first visit to Sgp. It was nice just sharing about the treetop walk, the flora, and quite a bit about Sgp - our culture, food, different races, history and much more. What started as a small offer to help became good company for the walk. I’m grateful for that - it made the whole experience so much more enjoyable. And it all worked out - his phone was fully charged when we parted ways.

• Bus Journey. The walk was not too difficult but there was a short drizzle towards the end, and combined with the afternoon heat, it started to take a toll. I was a little tired and very dehydrated. I don’t think it’s age - the guy I walked with seemed even more tired than I was, probably made worst by jet lag and adjusting to the weather. I bade him farewell at the MRT station and decided to take the bus instead. I was feeling a little faint by the time I got to the bus stop. When I got on the bus, I was really thankful to get a seat. The aircon felt especially good.

• Home. Reaching home was such a huge relief. I drowned myself with lotsa water, took a cold shower, and just lay down. Nothing fancy, but it all felt so good after the walk. A quick 15-min nap was enough to re-energise me. I’m grateful for these simple comforts - the ability to rest, recover, and just be in my own space. 

All in, it was a simple day, but a good one. I’m glad I made the trip to MacRitchie, grateful for the unexpected company, and thankful I could help someone in a small way.

Grateful 17 Apr: Draining but Positive

Quite a few positive moments today. I ended the day feeling drained, but in a good way. Here are some of the things I am grateful for: 

• Fulfilling training. I ended the day on a high note after delivering a training session that I personally felt went well. I am not overly concerned about the evaluation feedback (which I will receive in the coming week), as I tend to measure effectiveness by how I feel and whether the outcomes were achieved - and today, we had a 100% pass rate. That felt very satisfying, especially as this is a topic I am deeply familiar with. I was able to share my experiences naturally and authentically, and seeing even the non-practitioners succeed was particularly rewarding. I am grateful for the opportunity - it has been a year in the making, and I finally did it. 

• Reconnections with Friends. For some reason, I received a few messages from former colleagues and friends today. One of them had not been in touch for close to a decade, so her message felt especially heartwarming. The last time I saw her family, her son was barely a metre tall - and now he is over 1.8 metres and taller than me! Another friend checked in to see how I have been, and I was glad to learn that she is now happily settled in her job after a few challenging years transitioning from her cabin crew days. Yet another shared that her biopsy results were positive, with nothing concerning. I am truly grateful for these connections - their messages meant a lot. 

• Double dinner. After training, I felt quite drained and had dinner at Bedok South. To my surprise, the price of caifan seems to have doubled in just two weeks - my only (half-serious) conclusion is - Iran war (some president, to be exact, LOL)! After that, I messaged a friend who had just returned from Finland, and by coincidence, she had just landed and was on her way home. We ended up meeting for another round of food - this time, north-eastern Chinese cuisine, along with a bottle of beer for myself. Superbly indulgent, and I cannot remember the last time I had two dinners in one evening. Still, I am grateful for both the company and the experience. It is nice to allow such moments once in a while. 

So yes, despite the physical drain from training, the people - trainees, friends - and good food more than made up for it. I ended the day feeling very good and deeply grateful.

Grateful 16 Apr: Happy Day

I was a happy person today, and I am grateful for how things are developing. I will not write everything here, as some details are better left unshared. Instead, I will focus on a few moments. 

• Walk. I decided to make a trip to Tanah Merah Beach this afternoon despite the scorching heat. I thought I could get a good tan as I do my daily walk, and the trip did not disappoint. I managed to get quite a tan - I look like a bright lobster now. More importantly, I am grateful for the ability to make the walk. I admit I have been a little lazy of late and may have used the weather as an excuse, so I am glad I pushed through. 

• Otters. I spent some time at the beach enjoying the sun. What made the trip special was spotting 2 otters. It was unusual, as they typically move in groups of 10 to 20. I wondered if they had broken away from a larger group and starting a new pack. I recorded a video and sent it to a friend who specialises in otters. He was excited and forwarded it to the team conducting an otter census in Singapore. I am glad I could contribute in a small way, and even more grateful that I made the trip. 

• Rest Points. By the time I walked back, I was tired, thirsty, and quite dehydrated. Thankfully, there were rest points and canteens along the way where I could rest, buy my dinner, and enjoy a kopi o kosong before heading home. 

It was a good day. I managed to do what I needed before my final day of training tomorrow. I ended the evening by running through some content with a fellow trainer to help her prepare for her session too. Overall, it was a productive and fulfilling day, and I am grateful for all that happened.

Grateful 15 Apr: Negative Energies

Today I was once again reminded to focus on what I want and to put negative people and energies aside. This feels like the strongest reminder for me today, and one I want to pause and be genuinely grateful for. There are also a few other things I want to capture.

• Boundaries. I received an unexpected WhatsApp message from someone that carried a very negative tone. The message said I had offered to cut his hair but hadn’t followed through in 2 weeks, and therefore I was not serious. It ended with him saying he would not contact me anymore, and included a remark along the lines of someone else judging me. What surprised me was the tone, not just the content. I had actually been waiting for him to confirm a time. This is also a pattern I’ve seen over the past 2 years - he reaches out, blocks me when unhappy, then comes back again later, and repeats the cycle. I’ve told myself many times that this is just how he is, and I’ve tolerated it. But honestly, it has also been draining over time. Even in something as simple as a haircut, there has been repeated criticism about it being too short, despite me checking in on the length he wanted. When I received his message today, I felt a mix of frustration and clarity. I replied briefly, said I would not continue contact, and blocked him. I think part of me feels relieved, but another part also recognises that I let this continue longer than I should have. There is gratitude, but also honesty - this didn’t suddenly become clear today. I’ve known for a while.

• “Know, just know”. I was also reminded of something a Buddhist nun/teacher once said: “Know, just know.” The idea is simple - not everything needs a reaction. Some things can just be observed and left alone. This came to mind because of a peer trainer I work with who is quite reactive and tends to have an opinion on almost everything, even things that don’t affect her directly. Recently she has been texting a lot about complaints and course issues. I did tell her to focus on what she can control, but she struggled with that. Today she tried to call me, and when I didn’t answer, she asked if I had deliberately rejected her call. That question made me pause. There was a moment where I wondered about how sensitive or reactive that response was. At the same time, I also noticed something else in myself - I felt grateful that I generally don’t operate in that kind of mental space anymore. But I also recognise there is a slight distance forming in how I view people like this.

• Gen AI. Over the last couple of days, I’ve started receiving student submissions and discussion posts as part of my training work. It is quite tedious to go through each submission, and writing individual responses takes a lot of time. I’m grateful for Gen AI here. I use it to draft initial responses, then I review, edit, and add my own professional input so it reflects my voice. It makes the process more efficient, but I’m also aware I still need to stay fully engaged so the responses don’t become mechanical.

Today feels like a day where gratitude is not only about appreciation, but also about honesty. Some of it is clarity, some of it is frustration, some of it is relief. And underneath all of it, I realise I am still learning how to recognise patterns earlier, and act on them sooner, instead of only gaining clarity after I’ve already been stretched by them.

Grateful 14 Apr: Transitioning, still

I’ve realised that I’ve forgotten quite a number of things without even being aware of it - and perhaps that is what forgetting is all about. Is it something I should be concerned about? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe yes, maybe no. But one thing I do know is that it’s something I can be grateful for, because it frees up mental space for me to focus on what truly matters.

• Things I’ve forgotten. I didn’t realise how much I had forgotten until today, when B texted me about a piece of news I had previously shared: about someone who caused another person’s death and is now awaiting trial. My mind went completely blank when he mentioned it, and I had to ask him to explain it again to help me recall. It struck me then that I haven’t been retaining certain things, and that I’ve been rather forgetful recently. There were moments when I felt concerned - wondering if my meditation practice might have contributed to this, or if there could be an underlying issue such as early dementia. Then again, I remembered that I had taken a cognitive assessment about some years ago, and the results suggested that I was fine. Whatever the case, I’m grateful for this reminder - not as a cause for alarm, but as a gentle nudge to stay mindful of my mental health and to care for it more intentionally.

• Low intensity stress. I don’t think I’m under any major stress, but I do sense a persistent, low-level tension beneath the surface. It may be related to my current lifestyle and whether it is sustainable in the long run. Since leaving corporate life 3 years ago, I’ve been adjusting, perhaps somewhat awkwardly, to a semi-retired, freelance way of living. These thoughts came to the fore after a conversation I had today with a colleague-turned-coachee-turned-friend, who is currently trying to find a clearer direction for herself. As I listened to her, I found myself becoming more reflective about my own state - where I am, what I might be overlooking, and what truly matters at this stage of my life. If I’m honest, there is a quiet but constant concern about finances - not overwhelming but present enough to sit at the back of my mind despite having done my sums many times. Perhaps it’s time for me to revisit this once again. Regardless, I am grateful for the awareness - because it allows me to acknowledge what is present, rather than avoid it, and to make more considered choices moving forward.

• Things that matter. Amidst these possible concerns - or perhaps I am overthinking - I find myself grateful for the mental capacity and space I now have. Perhaps this forgetfulness is not a loss but a reallocation - letting go of what is no longer needed and to make space for what matters now. It has allowed me to focus on things I previously didn’t have the capacity for: supporting others in their career decisions, walking alongside people as they navigate their life directions, and being present in ways that feel meaningful. In some ways, the conversation today reminded me that while I help others find clarity, I too am still in the process of shaping my own. I am grateful for this shared journey where giving and learning happen at the same time. These are the things that give my life a deeper sense of purpose, even as I continue to find my balance.

To be honest, I hadn’t anticipated that this post-corporate transition would last this long. Yet, perhaps it is less about duration and more about self-discovery - about staying present to the questions, both mine and those of others. In that sense, the forgetfulness, the concerns, and the search for meaning are not separate, but part of my mind adjusting to this new phase. And for that, I am grateful. It gives me the space to reflect, to recalibrate, and to grow in ways I might not have otherwise allowed myself. What matters now is not rushing towards certainty, but remaining aware, making thoughtful adjustments, and continuing to shape a life that feels both sustainable and meaningful.

One God

I went for my lunchtime walk and saw this very unique bougainvillea bush - it stood out given that no other bushes were burning blooming. Now, I’m not a Christian, but I can’t help being reminded of the story of Moses and the burning bush. It also brings to mind the command that there is only one God - and if I may, by extension, only one Son. The thought felt particularly fitting when contrasted with a recent photo of someone presenting himself as Jesus Christ.

:-)

Grateful 13 Apr: Reset & Reignite

It is not often that I feel glad about the start of a new week, especially when weekdays and weekends no longer mean much to me after leaving corporate life. But that was exactly how I felt today. Somehow, the start of this week helped me reset and refocus. So here are the things I am grateful for: 

• The Next Module. A new week does seem to bring a different kind of energy. It nudged me to start looking at next week’s module, even as I wrapped up the current one. The last time I taught this module was in March last year, and going through the content again, I realised much updates need to be done. That said, I surprised myself a little by completing almost 30% of it today - which is fast, by my standards. 

• A Visit by B. B came over with dinner, and we spent the evening chatting about his recent 3-week trip to Spain and Portugal. It was a very easy and relaxing evening, and I am glad for the company. One of the reasons for his visit was to collect the pot of ficus that I had marcotted, and I am glad the plant now has a new home. More than that, I appreciate these simple moments when a friend drops by and we just spend time together. 

• A Renewed Interest. Listening to B talk about his trip across Portugal and Spain, and the different places he visited, stirred something in me. Maybe it is time to start planning again. The last time I planned a trip to Europe was in 2019, but COVID-19 disrupted those plans and I put everything on hold. Since then, I have not seriously considered it, mainly because of concerns about cost. But hearing about his trip made it feel far more doable than I had imagined. I am grateful for that realisation - it got me thinking again. 

• Being Present. Before I conclude, I thought it is worth mentioning one more thing - my friend A called me, in tears, feeling sad, helpless and overwhelmed about the impending passing of a loved one. Experiences like this is part and parcel of life (and death) and often laden with very heavy emotions. I am thankful for his trust, and I am glad I could be there to hold space for him. 

So yes, these were the main highlights of my day - a good start to the week, meaningful progress on work, being present for someone who needed support, and a renewed interest in travel. It feels like one of those days where different parts of my life came together in a simple but meaningful way. And for all that unfolded today, I am grateful.

Grateful 12 Apr: Indulgences

It’s Sunday, and I was supposed to be conducting training today. However, due to a last-minute admin issue, I had to swap my slot with another trainer. That left me with a full day to myself - and it turned out to be a good one. Here’s what I did, and why I’m glad I did it: 

• Windsor Park Nature Trails. I woke up early, as I usually would on a training day. But instead of rushing through my preparations, I had a slow, unhurried breakfast in Simei before heading to Windsor Park Nature Trails in the Central Catchment Area. The trails could have led me to the MacRitchie Reservoir Treetop Walk, which was my initial plan, but as I walked, I decided not to go that far. Instead, I explored a couple of shorter paths. The sun had only just risen, the air was still cool, and the canopy was dew-drenched. It was deeply refreshing. It had been a long time since I last took a forest walk at 7-ish in the morning, and I’m glad I returned to it.

• Morning indulgences. I felt a little hungry when I got back to Simei and decided to have a second breakfast - or perhaps, more accurately, brunch. This time, I treated myself to a double fish fillet burger and an apple pie. I think the last time I had one was about a year ago. I’ve been keeping away from fast food in my efforts to eat clean and stick to a strict calorie count. So the double fish fillet and apple pie is a nice way to reward myself, especially after a morning walk! Back home, I took a 15-min nap - something I don’t usually do. But having woken up at 4am, it felt deserved. The rest refreshed me. Without planning it, the morning became one of small indulgences - the extra treat, the nap - things I had quietly denied myself. I had missed these small rewards! It also reminded me of how I sometimes “rebel” when told what I shouldn’t eat (with ChatGPT, no less!) - because then the question becomes: what’s the point of living? Heh...

• Afternoon indulgences. I headed out again before noon, intending to attend my Buddhist class. But in a last-minute, rather spontaneous decision, I chose instead to go shopping. I ended up at Parkway Parade, a place that has always felt like home to me - after all, it was where I used to hang out in my late teens. There’s something quietly therapeutic about being there. While wandering, I decided - once again - to treat myself, this time to a plate of premium rojak. It was pure bliss: the mix of fruits, you char kueh, tau pok, bean sprouts, and dried squid, all coated in prawn paste and ground peanuts. I had missed it. I told myself it was for my mental well-being, recalling something I had read recently - at 60, do what makes you happy; don’t keep putting it off. I’m glad I didn’t.

So yes, today turned out to be a day of indulgence, even as I worked towards my daily walking target. Reflecting on it, perhaps this is my way of holding a balance - staying disciplined in my diet and exercise, while still tending to my well-being and allowing space for joy. I’m grateful the day unfolded the way it did.

Grateful 11 Apr: An unplanned day

It was another unplanned day, but one that began with a rare sense of restfulness. I woke up without urgency, without an agenda pressing on my mind, and decided to let the day unfold at its own pace. After the intensity of the past few days, perhaps this was exactly what I needed - a day to slow down, to listen to my body, and to simply be. So today, I give thanks for the following: 

• A good night’s sleep. I had a genuinely restful sleep last night - so much so that I cannot even recall waking up in the middle of the night. I had gone to bed early because I was feeling quite unwell - exhausted, feverish, light-headed, and slightly giddy. It was likely the result of several intense days leading up to my training. When I checked, my blood pressure was normal, but my heart rate was at 89 bpm - way higher than my usual 69 - 72. That was enough for me to take two tablets of muscle relaxant and painkiller and turn in early. Sleep came quickly. I woke up around 8am, lingered in bed a little longer, and finally got up at 9am, feeling noticeably better. I am grateful for how the body, when given rest, knows how to restore itself. 

• A relaxing day. By all measures, today turned out to be a slow and easy day.  I received quite a few "invites" during the afternoon for "fun" in Grindr, but turned them all down. Not too into meeting up with people I do not know, tbh. Anyway, I was supposed to attend an appreciation tea in the afternoon, but I made a last-minute decision to opt out. Instead, I went window shopping around Paya Lebar, Simei, and Tampines - walking through 4 - 5 malls in total. Somewhere along the way, I treated myself to a bowl of laksa for afternoon tea. Only then did it hit me - it was Saturday. The crowds were overwhelming! I suppose I have been away from the rhythm of a typical 5-day work week for too long. As I walked through the malls, seeing friends and families laughing and chatting, I felt a slight pang of sadness - a quiet awareness of something I have not experienced in a while. Yet, at the same time, I recognise that I do value my solitude. Perhaps this is simply part of living life as a single person - moments of both stillness and longing, co-existing. 

• A slow evening. The day ended on a quiet note. I found myself feeling a little bored (and, admittedly, a little horny - perhaps a sign that the body is well rested… alright, I digress), and eventually settled into watching a movie on YouTube. I opened a bottle of beer, paired it with fish nuggets and some cashew nuts - I could not be more “uncle” if I tried, right? Haha… It was a slow, calming evening, very comfortable and a strong contrast to the noise and crowds of the afternoon. It was a nice way to end the day. 

Today was not eventful, nor particularly productive in the conventional sense. But it worked for me, given the recent preoccupation with many things. It surfaced a quiet truth - that while solitude brings peace, it can also reveal moments of longing. And it reminded me that I am learning to sit more comfortably with both.

Grateful 10 Apr: Uneven day

I completed Day 1 of my training today, and I didn’t feel entirely good about it. Still, I think it is important to let go of the negative feelings. It is my first time delivering this module, and perhaps I had set expectations for myself that were too high. 

• Showing up despite discomfort. It was an early start. I woke up feeling extremely tired, likely due to the heavy dinner last night, and my mind was active with thoughts about the day’s lessons. I also felt slightly feverish through the night. Despite that, I still got up early, went for my walk, had breakfast, and prepared for the training. The session started reasonably well, although I felt a little off. I am grateful that all the training admin I had prepared turned out better than expected, which gave me some stability to begin the day. 

• Awareness in delivery. For the lesson itself, I realised I had focused more on developing the PM content and did not give enough attention to the morning segment. As a result, my delivery in the morning was not as smooth as I would have liked. I could sense some confusion among the learners, and it struck me that while I could fully understand what I was saying, it did not mean they could. I noticed blank expressions at times and had to check in with them. Although they said they were following, I had my doubts. Still, I am grateful for this awareness, as it helped me recalibrate my approach in the afternoon and adjust my delivery. 

• Engagement and pacing decisions. A few learners asked very good questions, and I was able to share deeply from my experience. I am grateful for their engagement, as it made the session more meaningful. But this took up a considerable amount of time, and I decided to cancel an activity. This allowed me to cover the key content and still end the session on time at 6pm. I was glad I was able to let them off for the weekend as planned. 

Reflecting on today, I realise I may not have paid enough attention to the morning content, and I may have overextended in my sharing. Even so, I am grateful for the experience, especially since this is the first time I’m delivering this module. It has given me clarity on what to refine and where I can better add value when I deliver this module again next month. Today also helped me understand the learners better, and I believe I can provide them with a stronger Day 2 experience next Friday. For now, I need to rest, as I am running a fever.

Grateful 9 Apr: Farewell dinner

I attended a farewell dinner for my team lead this evening. It was hosted by the regional head, who is based overseas. Not everyone turned up and the evening felt somewhat performative. Nonetheless, I still want to take a moment to reflect on what I am grateful for. 

• My team lead. This dinner was, ultimately, about my team lead. He was the one who brought me into the team last year when I was looking for a role as a freelance trainer. He saw a fit based on my professional experience and gave me the opportunity. I am deeply grateful for the trust and support he extended, and for the opportunities he created for me. At times, he assigned me topics beyond my expertise, simply because he believed I could step up given my breadth of exposure. Because of that, I am now teaching areas I would never have imagined myself handling just a year ago. For his belief in me, I am truly thankful. 

• Regional head. There was a sense of unease among those who attended, especially fellow trainers who had worked with my team lead for many years. Over the past week, it has been clear that many feel strongly about the departure, and some have placed the blame at the regional level. Not privy to the real reasons, but whatever the case, I’m not gonna get involved in it. The decision to travel here and host the dinner felt, to some, somewhat staged. For those who attended, the key reason was to maintain relationships moving forward. Still, I would like to acknowledge the effort involved in making the trip and hosting the dinner. Regardless of intent or perception, the time and presence are something I can appreciate. 

• The team. The dinner itself felt a li’l "wayang". Not everyone was invited. The explanation given was that not all email addresses were available, and so invitations went out only to those who had attended a previous gathering. While that may be difficult to fully accept, I chose not to dwell on it. There was already enough negativity surrounding the situation. Some fellow trainers who were not invited asked about the dinner, and I encouraged one of them to come by regardless. Ultimately, it is important to remain professional. We will need to continue working with the regional office, and relationships still matter. Putting everything aside, I was grateful for the chance to reconnect with fellow trainers. We do not often get to meet, and I always value every opportunity to meet. 

The dinner itself was brief, lasting less than 2 hours. Despite the mixed emotions and underlying tensions, I am thankful that it took place. It was a reminder that professionalism matters, especially during difficult transitions. I am also reminded of the Chinese saying that no banquet lasts forever - every good thing eventually comes to an end. It feels particularly apt in this moment. There is a sense of loss, especially for those who have worked closely with my team lead for many years. While the emotions are understandable, I trust that, in time, everyone will find a way to move forward with maturity and professionalism.

Grateful 8 Apr: Being creative

I didn’t sleep particularly well last night. Not because anything was troubling me, but because my mind was filled with thoughts about training - how I could do this better, or approach that differently. Those thoughts kept me awake for a while before I finally slept. I worked on my ideas this morning and the day flew by quickly. So let me talk about being creative, as it appeared in several aspects of my day.

• Training. After breakfast, I went straight to my laptop. My mind was still brimming with ideas for my training session this Friday. How to use activities to teach certain concepts? What questions should I include? How should I sequence the questions? How much time to allocate to each segment? How should I deliver should there be a particular class profile? These were the thoughts that kept me awake, and I wanted to work on them before they slipped away. The morning passed quickly, totally immersed mentally, and before I knew it, it was time for lunch. So yes, when I start to get creative with my instructional designs and time management, I know I am ready. I just need to remind myself not to overdo it - there is still another module to prepare. For now, I am grateful for the progress made.

• Dessert. I’m not usually one for desserts these days. I do have a sweet tooth, and they used to be almost a given. But lately, with calorie counting on my mind, desserts have been one of the first things to go. Today, however, I decided to be a little more relaxed and go with how I felt. During my afternoon walk, I treated myself to a slice of pandan kaya cake (above pic), alongside a second kopi o kosong. I justified it - less rice at lunch, a good walk after lunch - it felt ok. The cake, unfortunately, had been sitting out too long. It was hard and stale. Thankfully, the kopi o kosong softened it and it wasn’t too bad. Most importantly, I appreciated this little indulgence. Perhaps this too is a form of creativity - finding balance, adjusting, and compensating with a lighter dinner, which I did.

• Time & Energy. I’ve been quite caught up with work and various activities lately, and as a result, I haven’t paid much attention to some of life’s simple routines and hobbies. Today, however, after my training preparation and that small indulgence, I found the energies to return to them and once I started, the momentum caught on. By dinner time, I had completed the marcotting process of a Ficus plant I started almost a month ago (below pic), loosened the soil of several pots, washed the balcony, did the laundry, mend my shoes, even as I cooked my dinner. It turned out to be a deeply fulfilling day - catching up on all the little things that had quietly accumulated over time.

So this was my day - being creative in designing instructions, making thoughtful choices about and how what I eat, using my time in response to the rhythms of the day and bringing attention back to little things that matter. It reminded me that being creative is not just about producing something new. It is about being intentional - with my thoughts, my choices, and my energy. In that sense, even an ordinary day can become a meaningful one.

After 60...

I watched a youtube video on what to let go of after 60 and it covered the following 9 points:

• Stop saving out of fear
• Stop spending on things that doesn’t bring you joy 
• Stop trading time for money, it is worth more 
• Stop putting off experiences that make you feel alive
• Stop neglecting your health, your greatest asset
• Stop worrying about what others think 
• Stop the constant noise of negativity  
• Stop financial fear, but do not ignore it 
• Stop the illusion that you have forever

Useful reminders. But it will definitely take a long while to let go of the old mindset. Oh, I haven't reach 60 yet! Heh...

Satan

This sounded more like Satan speaking, not human at all…

Grateful 7 Apr: Misadventures - Not

Tbh, today felt like a day of misadventures. And indeed, it was - but nonetheless, there are many things that I can still be grateful for. Let me share the details here: 

• Sungei Buloh Wetlands - Not. I woke up early, feeling all enthusiastic about going to Sungei Buloh Wetlands. After all, I had wanted to go there last week but ended up going to Jurong instead. I left home early after a quick meditation, went to Simei for my kopi o kosong, and then took the MRT to Tampines and happily boarded service 168. The bus was supposed to take me to Woodlands, where I would change to another bus, and the whole journey would be some 2 hours long. 45 min into the journey, the skies turned dark - ominously dark… I checked the weather app and, horrors… huge thunderstorm ahoy! And looking at the size of the clouds and the forecast, the impending storm would last till afternoon. I decided to abandon my plans, alighted and made a u-turn back. It looked like there were no outdoor options for me. So I headed to Bedok, took an early lunch, and bought the famous Teochew soon kueh (traditional bamboo shoot snack) before heading back home. Not quite what I had planned, but looking back, I did get a small “excursion” out of it - and a good snack too. Perhaps that was enough for the morning, and I am thankful for it.

• MacRitchie Reservoir & Cuties - Not. Back home, I ate the soon kueh and as I waited for the rain to ease. I weighed some options for my outdoor walk: Tanah Merah Beach, MacRitchie Reservoir (MR)… The rain didn’t look like it was about to stop, so Tanah Merah Beach was out. Not wanting to spend the whole afternoon at home, I decided to take the MRT to Chinatown for tea instead. Hopefully, the rain would clear and I could still make my way to MR and maybe spot some cute young fit guys running. As I had another round of kopi o kosong, I was quite pleased to see the rain clouds clearing on the app. Feeling hopeful, I headed towards MR - a 45-min journey on the bus. And guess what - when I reached, there was still a light drizzle, just enough to make walking pointless. And instead of young cute guys, the place was filled with teenage canoeists - all young enough to be my grandkids. Darned! I decide to leave. Still, the trip wasn’t entirely wasted. The tea break in Chinatown was rather nice - unhurried, and a good pause. 

• Smooth Journey - Not. I boarded another bus towards town, thinking I might do some window shopping. The bus journey itself was uneventful, apart from an irritating fellow watching a show on his mobile at full volume. By the time I reached the fringe of town, it was already quite late, and I decided to just head home instead. And so I changed bus, but the one I intended to take was crowded and I took the one behind, planning to switch to one that would take me home further down the road. Alas, I forgot the bus service number I was on, and ended going around 2 - 3 housing estates before ending at an interchange nowhere near my place. Thankfully, there was a coffee shop nearby, and I ended up having a very nice dinner - caifan with stir-fried stingray. It has been a while since I had that, and I enjoyed it.

So yeah, that was how my day went. I travelled across half the island, u-turned to Bedok, went back home, then to town, to MR, back to town, around a few housing estates, and finally home - objectively, not achieving very much. But along the way, there were pockets of enjoyment: good kopi o kosong, soon kueh, a quiet afternoon tea, and a comforting dinner... The day totally didn’t go according to plan. Things didn’t line up, plans kept shifting, not by design, and yet nothing really went wrong either. And maybe that is something worth noting - that even on a day that felt slightly off, there were still enough small, good moments to carry it through. I am grateful for these good moments.

Grateful 6 Apr: Peace

I think it might be because of the very busy and mentally stimulating day I had yesterday. I slept really well last night and woke up feeling clear-headed, energetic, and refreshed. Perhaps it is also because I feel relatively confident about the training preparation I have done over the past few days, and quietly assured that I will be able to hold the class this coming Friday. And so, let me give thanks for the following today:

• Meditation. It must have been the good night’s sleep, for I woke up feeling very clear-minded and peaceful. This allowed me to meditate and hold the stillness for a good half hour without much effort, for which I am grateful. Thinking about it, this calmness is likely the result of both the full day I had yesterday and the clearing of my “mental knot”.

• Confidence. I felt good about my training preparation. I have not felt this way for a while, especially when I am about to teach a new subject this Friday. I went through the details again this morning, systematically - starting from the admin, the name list (with a last-minute insertion of a new learner, again...), the assessment reports, the activity workbook, the assessment settings in the portal, and finally the lesson content. There are, of course, some still outstanding admin matters, but these can be completed quickly on the training day itself. For being able to reach where I am now, I give thanks for the many iterations and the preparation I have put in over the past days and weeks. I look forward to delivering the training.

• Breaking the habit. I decided against recording the details of my meals in ChatGPT today. I have been doing it diligently since early Nov 2025 in my efforts to monitor my weight and I had my fair share of struggles with ChatGPT for the constant chiding of what I should eat for each meal. I woke up today almost 2kg heavier than usual, and I am quite certain it was due to the heavy Chinese dinner I had last evening - all the soups, the meats, and so on. But I also realised I had been too strict with myself, to the point of not being able to simply enjoy life. What is the point of imprisoning myself with all the records and getting so worked up about my food intake after each meal? When I think about it, it is actually quite amusing that I should get annoyed with ChatGPT for chiding me about my sodium intake, how much protein I had missed, and what I should make up for, etc. So today, I chose not to record my meals. So what if I end the day weighing a little heavier. What the heck, right? So yes, I am grateful to myself for making this deliberate decision to rid myself of this behaviour, and I am at peace with it.

Yet again, I am reminded that balance is important. It is not about absolute control, but also about knowing when to loosen the grip. Being disciplined - such as devoting time to training preparation - is important, as it gives me peace of mind; but when a behaviour that began as discipline starts to control me, it becomes, in itself, a problem. I am grateful for this realisation.

Slow Ghost

I just learned this phrase “slow ghost”…

Yeah! It clicks immediately.

Have I moved on?

This evening, I was looking at my IG when a photo of my ex jumped out at me. It startled me.

I had removed him from my IG, so how is it that his photo is staring at me. Then I realized it was posted by his very close girl friend whom I also know. The photo was posted 5 days ago and it was taken in Bangkok. They had gone for Bangkok Hyrox. For that moment, I felt a little ache and curious - curious about how he is, what’s he doing now, and for that matter, whether he is attached now. 

And then I started to google about Hyrox and whether it is something I could do, with my current health condition - heart, knees, and all. Google results said it is too high a risk for me and tbh, I felt good. Good cos it validated me - that he had once told me about his wish that I could join him for all his high intensity exercises altho I said my health condition didn’t allow me to. It reminded me of how I felt when I was with him - that I cannot live up to his expectations given our age difference.

It’s almost exactly 2 years since he decided to call off the relationship. Back then, to manage myself, I deleted everything related to him - photos we took over the 7 years together, his IG profile, his X profile, and so on, short of his contact number. Yet, seeing the photo today, I instinctively scrolled through all the posted photos. I was unsure what I was looking for, to be honest. 

And then, I reminded myself - Get a grip! He dumped you for selfish reasons. He wouldn’t even commit to care for you when you needed him. It’s not a balanced relationship and not being together is probably the best outcome. You have gone through too much these 2 years and life has started to stabilize. Love yourself. No point thinking about the past. Move on… And I wondered - have I actually moved on? 

I exited the app.

ps: yes, I have.

Grateful 5 Apr: Qingming

I was supposed to be conducting training today, but due to a last-minute change, I found myself unexpectedly free. Instead of sleeping in, I chose to keep to my usual training schedule — I went for an early morning walk, had breakfast, and filled my day with activities. It turned out to be a rather full and meaningful day. On this day, I am thankful for:

• Remembrance. Today is Qingming Festival (清明节), a day of remembrance. Some refer to it as Tomb-Sweeping Day, though this is somewhat simplistic. The Chinese name, when translated literally, means “Clear and Bright”, reflecting the seasonal shift towards warmer, rainier weather and the greening of the landscape. Over time, it has come to be associated with remembering ancestors - visiting graves, offering prayers, and paying respects. As a guide, one can commemorate Qingming by visiting the graves anytime within 2 weeks before/ after the actual day. I had initially planned to visit the columbarium on Tuesday, but decided to go today instead. This year, however, I chose not to purchase the usual ancestor worship paraphernalia. This decision was influenced by a video I watched by a Buddhist venerable, who shared that making a donation to the temple can be just as meaningful as a way of expressing gratitude and remembrance. And that is what I did. 

• Rain. True to its name, it rained while I was on the bus heading to the columbarium. I hadn’t expected it, especially after weeks of blazing heat with hardly any rain, and I had not brought an umbrella. I was prepared to wait it out at the bus stop, but as it turned out, the rain stopped just as I arrived. The weather turned cool, and I was able to walk to the columbarium without getting wet. I felt grateful for that.

• Buddhist class. I am glad I made the effort to attend the Buddhist class after my visit to the columbarium. The topic covered helped me gain clarity on the issue that had troubled me over the past few days. Interestingly, the facilitator did something he had never done before - he invited us to reflect on a recent issue that had been on our minds, and guided us through a short meditation to explore its causes and effects. The exercise was deeply helpful, and it felt as though things fell into place for me. Today’s exercise is so timely and I am truly grateful for it.

Once again, the day felt quietly aligned. Everything seemed to fall into place - from the timely clearing of the rain, to the meditation that brought clarity, and finally, the simple gesture of PY texting to ask if I wanted to have dinner, which I did, and ate my north eastern Chinese food. I could not be more thankful for how the day unfolded.

Fun? Grindr messages

Oh my… over the past two days, my Grindr has received quite a few messages!

It started as early as Thursday afternoon. I had just finished my walk and was sitting by my condo pool when the pool cleaner (the guy who comes every other day) saw me and kept staring. He had already finished cleaning and was about to drive off when I arrived. As he drove off, he continued staring at me, but within a minute or two, he came back and went straight into the pool toilet, turning his head and looking at me as he did so. Something told me he was waiting for me. Anyway, I didn’t respond, and after a while, he left. The next thing I knew, I received a message on Grindr: “Hi, that was me, the pool guy”… wow, I thought. How on earth did he know it was me? I didn’t even have a profile photo. We chatted briefly, and he said I look “damn fit” and told me he wanted to blow me. He also mentioned that he cleans the pool every 2, 4, and 6, and that if I’m horny and need a blow, I can just text him. He’ll be more than willing. 

And yesterday (Good Friday), I received no fewer than 6 or 7 messages (maybe more) throughout the day, starting from the pre-dawn hours inviting me for “wild fun”. And in the morning, just before I left home for coffee, one message came in: “Hi, wanna play? I host.” “No, thanks, I’m heading out,” I replied. Clearly, I wasn’t interested. I haven’t done such meet-ups for quite a long while, and I’m not about to do so, tbh. A couple of minutes later, the same guy texted again: “Are you sure you’re going out?” This guy must be feeling unsecure, I thought. Feeling annoyed, I replied curtly, “You’re rather insistent. As I said, I’m going out.” He stopped messaging after that. And while at the coffee shop, another person sent me a series of explicit photos and invited me to his place for “long fun”, I turned him down too. The messages continue to come in even as I was in the MRT and just as I arrived at Chinese Garden station, I got this “Hi, wanna play? I’m at a quiet staircase nearby.” I didn’t reply. 

I was quite surprised by how fast and furious the messages came. After the initial few messages, I simply stopped replying. And the messages continue coming in today. It must be due to the Good Friday long weekend!

Grateful 4 Apr: Media

These days, after leaving corporate life, the distinction between weekdays and weekends has gently faded. My days now move in a steady, familiar rhythm - work (when there is upcoming training), afternoon walks and exercise, rest, and the occasional indulgence in shows online or on television. Today followed much of that rhythm, but it carried a slightly different undertone. You see, I had been navigating some lingering emotions since last evening. The shows I watched, thus, became both an escape and a means of easing that heaviness, and for that, I am grateful. 

• Nanny McPhee. I spent the latter part of the afternoon watching 2 children's shows: Nanny McPhee (2005) and Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang (2010) on Netflix. They were fun and entertaining as they were touching. Both films explored a range of human emotions - fear, love, betrayal, competition, and so on. It was lovely to see the strong cast of both shows, and to reflect on how the child actors have since grown into young adults, while some familiar faces, such as Maggie Smith, have since passed on. I’m grateful for the warmth and lightness these films brought to my afternoon. 

• AI-generated documentaries. I devoted much of the early evening to watching AI-generated documentaries on YouTube. It continues to amaze me how AI can recreate scenes from history and legend - Chinese dynasties, Alexandria, even Atlantis. These shows offer a glimpse into how life might have been in the past, while providing both enjoyment and learning. I’m grateful for an evening that felt both engaging and enriching. 

• Songs. Listening to MTVs on YouTube has become a regular part of my routine. It provides a gentle background as I work or write, and sometimes helps to drown the noise from the playground below. At times, I find myself singing along - especially to songs that carry familiar melodies and memories. These moments bring a quiet sense of comfort and nostalgia. 

It has been a slow and reflective day. I began by completing some meaningful training preparation, but for much of the day, my mind remained preoccupied with a lingering issue from last night, sparked by a message from someone. Although I responded after my exercise, the heaviness stayed with me for a while. Yet, as the day unfolded, there was a gradual lightening. The online shows and music did more than distract - they gently helped me regain a sense of balance and return to myself. For that quiet shift, I am truly grateful.

Grateful 3 Apr: A Good Friday

It’s the Good Friday public holiday, and I decided to head somewhere far away today. The day turned out much better than I had expected - perhaps even what a “good” Friday should feel like, in its own simple way.

• Jurong Lake Gardens. I told myself I wanted to go somewhere for a walk in nature, but I couldn’t quite decide where. I had options such as Sungei Buloh Wetlands, Jurong Lake Gardens, Mandai Nature Trail (by the zoo), or even Gardens by the Bay. It was only when I was already on the MRT that I decided Jurong would be the best option - the MRT stops right by the gardens. I ended up spending a pleasant day there. The weather was a little warm, but the walk was enjoyable, with much to see and experience. It was also my first visit to the Japanese Garden since it opened in 1975. I am grateful I made the decision to visit Jurong.

• Time with D. When I arrived at the Chinese Garden, I thought it would be nice to text D. After all, he lives in the western part of Singapore and has often lamented that we easterners rarely venture to the west. So once I arrived at the Chinese Garden, I sent him a picture of the pagoda. He recognised it immediately, and suggested meeting for lunch. We ended up lunching at Taman Jurong Hawker Centre before walking through both the Chinese Garden and Japanese Garden. So grateful that he made time to meet me! Was totally unexpected and especially at such short notice.

• Tea with K. I had also checked in with K earlier in the morning, thinking it might be nice to meet for a drink since it was a public holiday. He already had plans, so we left it at that. As it turned out, while I was on my way home from Jurong, he messaged to say he had finished his programme. We ended up meeting for a relaxed afternoon tea in town, followed by a visit to the temple. That visit gave me the space to pray for good health and for things to go smoothly at work, especially in light of recent developments with my training team lead and my current bout of piles. It was a timely opportunity to pause and centre myself.

It was a simple the day. Yet it felt full and meaningful - time in nature, great companionship, and a moment of reflection. Perhaps that is the gentle blessing of this Good Friday: not just a public day marked on the calendar, but one that turned out to be, quite simply, a good Friday.

Grateful 2 Apr: Departures

It is a day of departures - something we are often inclined to meet with sadness. Yet, if we can learn to accept endings as readily as we accept beginnings, they may also become moments for reflection, and perhaps even gratitude. Here is why I have titled today’s post “Departures”:

• Termination. My team lead flew in to the overseas head office yesterday at short notice, which left many of us curious and concerned. This afternoon, we received a message from him in the our group chat informing us that he had been terminated due to “business reasons”. The news came as a shock to all of us. He has been a stalwart of the team since its inception, and his sudden departure was entirely unexpected. Whatever the reasons, I remain thankful to him - for bringing me into the team and for his steady support over the past year. He has been the glue that held the team together, and his presence will be deeply missed. I wish him well in whatever comes next. 

• Death. An ex-colleague, who was once part of my team and whom I had been coaching over the past two years, shared with us via text that her grandmother passed away this morning. The news came without warning. Almost immediately, messages of condolence began pouring in from the team. My heart goes out to her and her family. Moments like these remind me of the transient nature of life - that time is never guaranteed, and that we must treasure what we have while we have it. For this quiet but powerful reminder, I am grateful.

• Rest. My haemorrhoids are still causing discomfort, and today I made a deliberate decision to continue resting. My step count was lower, and I kept my meals simple without overthinking them - though I believe I still managed to maintain a reasonable caloric and protein intake. I also intend to sleep early, having struggled with insomnia last night. In a way, this too feels like a form of departure - a temporary stepping back from activity, from busyness, and from the constant need to do. The postponement of my training this Sunday has eased some of the pressure I would otherwise have felt, allowing me the space to prioritise recovery. And for this pause, this small departure from routine, I am grateful. 

Perhaps departures are not always losses in the way we first perceive them. Sometimes, they are transitions - gentle or abrupt invitations to let go, to reflect, and to realign. Whether it is the parting of people, the passing of life, or even a temporary withdrawal into rest, each departure carries with it a quiet lesson. The events of today helped me realise that there is gratitude to be found even in these endings. More importantly, they reminded me of what truly matters and how I can move forward in the face of departures.

Grateful 1 Apr: April Fools' - Not

Today is April Fools’ Day. But no, I did not end up teasing anyone, much as I thought it might be fun to do so. Perhaps April Fools’ jokes do not come as naturally to a near 60-year-old anymore! Heh… anyway, the day turned out to be more tiring than I had expected not because of anything major, but simply from the usual, everyday things. And that, in itself, is something I am thankful for. 

• D. I met D for breakfast this morning, and we had a really nice chat. It had been a while since we last ate together, and it felt good to spend that time with him, just the two of us. I have known of him since the mid-90s, back when going to Fort Road was a trend. He was one of the more popular and attractive guys, and many of the gay men who hung out there had their eyes on him. But I never once spoke to him. One of my friends dated him for a while, and after they broke up, he went on to date another mutual friend. I kept my distance, preferring to stay low-profile. Fast forward 30 years, and I met him by chance last year. That was when we started chatting, and over time, we got to know each other better. Coming back to today - it was a simple breakfast, followed by accompanying him and another friend for a foot massage before we went our separate ways. Nothing extraordinary, but quietly warm and meaningful. 

• L. L contacted me a couple of days ago to say she had a doctor’s appointment today to assess a lump on her neck and determine if it might be cancerous. She is an ex-colleague and a cancer survivor. About a decade ago, she went through a major operation, and during that period - from pre-op to recovery - she leaned on me quite a bit for emotional support. She came through it, eventually got married, and I was honoured to be a witness at her solemnisation. We have stayed in touch since, with the occasional visit. So when she reached out again about the lump, I could not help but wonder if there had been a relapse. Even so, I have always admired her courage and her zest for life. When she messaged this evening to say that the initial assessment suggests it is not cancerous, I felt a deep sense of relief. She will still need further tests over the weekend, but for now, I am grateful for this piece of good news. I truly wish her all the best for the next phase. 

• Medication. Something clicked in my mind today - that there are over-the-counter medications available for haemorrhoids. After saying goodbye to D and T, I walked to the pharmacy to get some. I also told M about it, and he sent me a link to a cream, which I went ahead to purchase as well. The pain has improved today, though I still feel discomfort when shifting between standing and sitting. Hopefully, the medication will help things settle over the next few days. I am grateful for the accessibility of such treatments. I probably should have thought of this earlier, but as they say, better late than never. Now, I just hope it works. 

So here we are - April Fools’ Day, yet there was nothing foolish about today. It was a day of simple routines, meaningful connections and reassurances. And oh, I got my laptop issue resolved! Yay! So yeah, today showed me how much warmth there is in the ordinary, and how fortunate I am to have people around me who bring that into my life.