Grateful 15 Apr: Negative Energies

Today I was once again reminded to focus on what I want and to put negative people and energies aside. This feels like the strongest reminder for me today, and one I want to pause and be genuinely grateful for. There are also a few other things I want to capture.

• Boundaries. I received an unexpected WhatsApp message from someone that carried a very negative tone. The message said I had offered to cut his hair but hadn’t followed through in 2 weeks, and therefore I was not serious. It ended with him saying he would not contact me anymore, and included a remark along the lines of someone else judging me. What surprised me was the tone, not just the content. I had actually been waiting for him to confirm a time. This is also a pattern I’ve seen over the past 2 years - he reaches out, blocks me when unhappy, then comes back again later, and repeats the cycle. I’ve told myself many times that this is just how he is, and I’ve tolerated it. But honestly, it has also been draining over time. Even in something as simple as a haircut, there has been repeated criticism about it being too short, despite me checking in on the length he wanted. When I received his message today, I felt a mix of frustration and clarity. I replied briefly, said I would not continue contact, and blocked him. I think part of me feels relieved, but another part also recognises that I let this continue longer than I should have. There is gratitude, but also honesty - this didn’t suddenly become clear today. I’ve known for a while.

• “Know, just know”. I was also reminded of something a Buddhist nun/teacher once said: “Know, just know.” The idea is simple - not everything needs a reaction. Some things can just be observed and left alone. This came to mind because of a peer trainer I work with who is quite reactive and tends to have an opinion on almost everything, even things that don’t affect her directly. Recently she has been texting a lot about complaints and course issues. I did tell her to focus on what she can control, but she struggled with that. Today she tried to call me, and when I didn’t answer, she asked if I had deliberately rejected her call. That question made me pause. There was a moment where I wondered about how sensitive or reactive that response was. At the same time, I also noticed something else in myself - I felt grateful that I generally don’t operate in that kind of mental space anymore. But I also recognise there is a slight distance forming in how I view people like this.

• Gen AI. Over the last couple of days, I’ve started receiving student submissions and discussion posts as part of my training work. It is quite tedious to go through each submission, and writing individual responses takes a lot of time. I’m grateful for Gen AI here. I use it to draft initial responses, then I review, edit, and add my own professional input so it reflects my voice. It makes the process more efficient, but I’m also aware I still need to stay fully engaged so the responses don’t become mechanical.

Today feels like a day where gratitude is not only about appreciation, but also about honesty. Some of it is clarity, some of it is frustration, some of it is relief. And underneath all of it, I realise I am still learning how to recognise patterns earlier, and act on them sooner, instead of only gaining clarity after I’ve already been stretched by them.

Grateful 14 Apr: Transitioning, still

I’ve realised that I’ve forgotten quite a number of things without even being aware of it - and perhaps that is what forgetting is all about. Is it something I should be concerned about? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe yes, maybe no. But one thing I do know is that it’s something I can be grateful for, because it frees up mental space for me to focus on what truly matters.

• Things I’ve forgotten. I didn’t realise how much I had forgotten until today, when B texted me about a piece of news I had previously shared: about someone who caused another person’s death and is now awaiting trial. My mind went completely blank when he mentioned it, and I had to ask him to explain it again to help me recall. It struck me then that I haven’t been retaining certain things, and that I’ve been rather forgetful recently. There were moments when I felt concerned - wondering if my meditation practice might have contributed to this, or if there could be an underlying issue such as early dementia. Then again, I remembered that I had taken a cognitive assessment about some years ago, and the results suggested that I was fine. Whatever the case, I’m grateful for this reminder - not as a cause for alarm, but as a gentle nudge to stay mindful of my mental health and to care for it more intentionally.

• Low intensity stress. I don’t think I’m under any major stress, but I do sense a persistent, low-level tension beneath the surface. It may be related to my current lifestyle and whether it is sustainable in the long run. Since leaving corporate life 3 years ago, I’ve been adjusting, perhaps somewhat awkwardly, to a semi-retired, freelance way of living. These thoughts came to the fore after a conversation I had today with a colleague-turned-coachee-turned-friend, who is currently trying to find a clearer direction for herself. As I listened to her, I found myself becoming more reflective about my own state - where I am, what I might be overlooking, and what truly matters at this stage of my life. If I’m honest, there is a quiet but constant concern about finances - not overwhelming but present enough to sit at the back of my mind despite having done my sums many times. Perhaps it’s time for me to revisit this once again. Regardless, I am grateful for the awareness - because it allows me to acknowledge what is present, rather than avoid it, and to make more considered choices moving forward.

• Things that matter. Amidst these possible concerns - or perhaps I am overthinking - I find myself grateful for the mental capacity and space I now have. Perhaps this forgetfulness is not a loss but a reallocation - letting go of what is no longer needed and to make space for what matters now. It has allowed me to focus on things I previously didn’t have the capacity for: supporting others in their career decisions, walking alongside people as they navigate their life directions, and being present in ways that feel meaningful. In some ways, the conversation today reminded me that while I help others find clarity, I too am still in the process of shaping my own. I am grateful for this shared journey where giving and learning happen at the same time. These are the things that give my life a deeper sense of purpose, even as I continue to find my balance.

To be honest, I hadn’t anticipated that this post-corporate transition would last this long. Yet, perhaps it is less about duration and more about self-discovery - about staying present to the questions, both mine and those of others. In that sense, the forgetfulness, the concerns, and the search for meaning are not separate, but part of my mind adjusting to this new phase. And for that, I am grateful. It gives me the space to reflect, to recalibrate, and to grow in ways I might not have otherwise allowed myself. What matters now is not rushing towards certainty, but remaining aware, making thoughtful adjustments, and continuing to shape a life that feels both sustainable and meaningful.

One God

I went for my lunchtime walk and saw this very unique bougainvillea bush - it stood out given that no other bushes were burning blooming. Now, I’m not a Christian, but I can’t help being reminded of the story of Moses and the burning bush. It also brings to mind the command that there is only one God - and if I may, by extension, only one Son. The thought felt particularly fitting when contrasted with a recent photo of someone presenting himself as Jesus Christ.

:-)

Grateful 13 Apr: Reset & Reignite

It is not often that I feel glad about the start of a new week, especially when weekdays and weekends no longer mean much to me after leaving corporate life. But that was exactly how I felt today. Somehow, the start of this week helped me reset and refocus. So here are the things I am grateful for: 

• The Next Module. A new week does seem to bring a different kind of energy. It nudged me to start looking at next week’s module, even as I wrapped up the current one. The last time I taught this module was in March last year, and going through the content again, I realised much updates need to be done. That said, I surprised myself a little by completing almost 30% of it today - which is fast, by my standards. 

• A Visit by B. B came over with dinner, and we spent the evening chatting about his recent 3-week trip to Spain and Portugal. It was a very easy and relaxing evening, and I am glad for the company. One of the reasons for his visit was to collect the pot of ficus that I had marcotted, and I am glad the plant now has a new home. More than that, I appreciate these simple moments when a friend drops by and we just spend time together. 

• A Renewed Interest. Listening to B talk about his trip across Portugal and Spain, and the different places he visited, stirred something in me. Maybe it is time to start planning again. The last time I planned a trip to Europe was in 2019, but COVID-19 disrupted those plans and I put everything on hold. Since then, I have not seriously considered it, mainly because of concerns about cost. But hearing about his trip made it feel far more doable than I had imagined. I am grateful for that realisation - it got me thinking again. 

• Being Present. Before I conclude, I thought it is worth mentioning one more thing - my friend A called me, in tears, feeling sad, helpless and overwhelmed about the impending passing of a loved one. Experiences like this is part and parcel of life (and death) and often laden with very heavy emotions. I am thankful for his trust, and I am glad I could be there to hold space for him. 

So yes, these were the main highlights of my day - a good start to the week, meaningful progress on work, being present for someone who needed support, and a renewed interest in travel. It feels like one of those days where different parts of my life came together in a simple but meaningful way. And for all that unfolded today, I am grateful.

Grateful 12 Apr: Indulgences

It’s Sunday, and I was supposed to be conducting training today. However, due to a last-minute admin issue, I had to swap my slot with another trainer. That left me with a full day to myself - and it turned out to be a good one. Here’s what I did, and why I’m glad I did it: 

• Windsor Park Nature Trails. I woke up early, as I usually would on a training day. But instead of rushing through my preparations, I had a slow, unhurried breakfast in Simei before heading to Windsor Park Nature Trails in the Central Catchment Area. The trails could have led me to the MacRitchie Reservoir Treetop Walk, which was my initial plan, but as I walked, I decided not to go that far. Instead, I explored a couple of shorter paths. The sun had only just risen, the air was still cool, and the canopy was dew-drenched. It was deeply refreshing. It had been a long time since I last took a forest walk at 7-ish in the morning, and I’m glad I returned to it.

• Morning indulgences. I felt a little hungry when I got back to Simei and decided to have a second breakfast - or perhaps, more accurately, brunch. This time, I treated myself to a double fish fillet burger and an apple pie. I think the last time I had one was about a year ago. I’ve been keeping away from fast food in my efforts to eat clean and stick to a strict calorie count. So the double fish fillet and apple pie is a nice way to reward myself, especially after a morning walk! Back home, I took a 15-min nap - something I don’t usually do. But having woken up at 4am, it felt deserved. The rest refreshed me. Without planning it, the morning became one of small indulgences - the extra treat, the nap - things I had quietly denied myself. I had missed these small rewards! It also reminded me of how I sometimes “rebel” when told what I shouldn’t eat (with ChatGPT, no less!) - because then the question becomes: what’s the point of living? Heh...

• Afternoon indulgences. I headed out again before noon, intending to attend my Buddhist class. But in a last-minute, rather spontaneous decision, I chose instead to go shopping. I ended up at Parkway Parade, a place that has always felt like home to me - after all, it was where I used to hang out in my late teens. There’s something quietly therapeutic about being there. While wandering, I decided - once again - to treat myself, this time to a plate of premium rojak. It was pure bliss: the mix of fruits, you char kueh, tau pok, bean sprouts, and dried squid, all coated in prawn paste and ground peanuts. I had missed it. I told myself it was for my mental well-being, recalling something I had read recently - at 60, do what makes you happy; don’t keep putting it off. I’m glad I didn’t.

So yes, today turned out to be a day of indulgence, even as I worked towards my daily walking target. Reflecting on it, perhaps this is my way of holding a balance - staying disciplined in my diet and exercise, while still tending to my well-being and allowing space for joy. I’m grateful the day unfolded the way it did.

Grateful 11 Apr: An unplanned day

It was another unplanned day, but one that began with a rare sense of restfulness. I woke up without urgency, without an agenda pressing on my mind, and decided to let the day unfold at its own pace. After the intensity of the past few days, perhaps this was exactly what I needed - a day to slow down, to listen to my body, and to simply be. So today, I give thanks for the following: 

• A good night’s sleep. I had a genuinely restful sleep last night - so much so that I cannot even recall waking up in the middle of the night. I had gone to bed early because I was feeling quite unwell - exhausted, feverish, light-headed, and slightly giddy. It was likely the result of several intense days leading up to my training. When I checked, my blood pressure was normal, but my heart rate was at 89 bpm - way higher than my usual 69 - 72. That was enough for me to take two tablets of muscle relaxant and painkiller and turn in early. Sleep came quickly. I woke up around 8am, lingered in bed a little longer, and finally got up at 9am, feeling noticeably better. I am grateful for how the body, when given rest, knows how to restore itself. 

• A relaxing day. By all measures, today turned out to be a slow and easy day.  I received quite a few "invites" during the afternoon for "fun" in Grindr, but turned them all down. Not too into meeting up with people I do not know, tbh. Anyway, I was supposed to attend an appreciation tea in the afternoon, but I made a last-minute decision to opt out. Instead, I went window shopping around Paya Lebar, Simei, and Tampines - walking through 4 - 5 malls in total. Somewhere along the way, I treated myself to a bowl of laksa for afternoon tea. Only then did it hit me - it was Saturday. The crowds were overwhelming! I suppose I have been away from the rhythm of a typical 5-day work week for too long. As I walked through the malls, seeing friends and families laughing and chatting, I felt a slight pang of sadness - a quiet awareness of something I have not experienced in a while. Yet, at the same time, I recognise that I do value my solitude. Perhaps this is simply part of living life as a single person - moments of both stillness and longing, co-existing. 

• A slow evening. The day ended on a quiet note. I found myself feeling a little bored (and, admittedly, a little horny - perhaps a sign that the body is well rested… alright, I digress), and eventually settled into watching a movie on YouTube. I opened a bottle of beer, paired it with fish nuggets and some cashew nuts - I could not be more “uncle” if I tried, right? Haha… It was a slow, calming evening, very comfortable and a strong contrast to the noise and crowds of the afternoon. It was a nice way to end the day. 

Today was not eventful, nor particularly productive in the conventional sense. But it worked for me, given the recent preoccupation with many things. It surfaced a quiet truth - that while solitude brings peace, it can also reveal moments of longing. And it reminded me that I am learning to sit more comfortably with both.

Grateful 10 Apr: Uneven day

I completed Day 1 of my training today, and I didn’t feel entirely good about it. Still, I think it is important to let go of the negative feelings. It is my first time delivering this module, and perhaps I had set expectations for myself that were too high. 

• Showing up despite discomfort. It was an early start. I woke up feeling extremely tired, likely due to the heavy dinner last night, and my mind was active with thoughts about the day’s lessons. I also felt slightly feverish through the night. Despite that, I still got up early, went for my walk, had breakfast, and prepared for the training. The session started reasonably well, although I felt a little off. I am grateful that all the training admin I had prepared turned out better than expected, which gave me some stability to begin the day. 

• Awareness in delivery. For the lesson itself, I realised I had focused more on developing the PM content and did not give enough attention to the morning segment. As a result, my delivery in the morning was not as smooth as I would have liked. I could sense some confusion among the learners, and it struck me that while I could fully understand what I was saying, it did not mean they could. I noticed blank expressions at times and had to check in with them. Although they said they were following, I had my doubts. Still, I am grateful for this awareness, as it helped me recalibrate my approach in the afternoon and adjust my delivery. 

• Engagement and pacing decisions. A few learners asked very good questions, and I was able to share deeply from my experience. I am grateful for their engagement, as it made the session more meaningful. But this took up a considerable amount of time, and I decided to cancel an activity. This allowed me to cover the key content and still end the session on time at 6pm. I was glad I was able to let them off for the weekend as planned. 

Reflecting on today, I realise I may not have paid enough attention to the morning content, and I may have overextended in my sharing. Even so, I am grateful for the experience, especially since this is the first time I’m delivering this module. It has given me clarity on what to refine and where I can better add value when I deliver this module again next month. Today also helped me understand the learners better, and I believe I can provide them with a stronger Day 2 experience next Friday. For now, I need to rest, as I am running a fever.

Grateful 9 Apr: Farewell dinner

I attended a farewell dinner for my team lead this evening. It was hosted by the regional head, who is based overseas. Not everyone turned up and the evening felt somewhat performative. Nonetheless, I still want to take a moment to reflect on what I am grateful for. 

• My team lead. This dinner was, ultimately, about my team lead. He was the one who brought me into the team last year when I was looking for a role as a freelance trainer. He saw a fit based on my professional experience and gave me the opportunity. I am deeply grateful for the trust and support he extended, and for the opportunities he created for me. At times, he assigned me topics beyond my expertise, simply because he believed I could step up given my breadth of exposure. Because of that, I am now teaching areas I would never have imagined myself handling just a year ago. For his belief in me, I am truly thankful. 

• Regional head. There was a sense of unease among those who attended, especially fellow trainers who had worked with my team lead for many years. Over the past week, it has been clear that many feel strongly about the departure, and some have placed the blame at the regional level. Not privy to the real reasons, but whatever the case, I’m not gonna get involved in it. The decision to travel here and host the dinner felt, to some, somewhat staged. For those who attended, the key reason was to maintain relationships moving forward. Still, I would like to acknowledge the effort involved in making the trip and hosting the dinner. Regardless of intent or perception, the time and presence are something I can appreciate. 

• The team. The dinner itself felt a li’l "wayang". Not everyone was invited. The explanation given was that not all email addresses were available, and so invitations went out only to those who had attended a previous gathering. While that may be difficult to fully accept, I chose not to dwell on it. There was already enough negativity surrounding the situation. Some fellow trainers who were not invited asked about the dinner, and I encouraged one of them to come by regardless. Ultimately, it is important to remain professional. We will need to continue working with the regional office, and relationships still matter. Putting everything aside, I was grateful for the chance to reconnect with fellow trainers. We do not often get to meet, and I always value every opportunity to meet. 

The dinner itself was brief, lasting less than 2 hours. Despite the mixed emotions and underlying tensions, I am thankful that it took place. It was a reminder that professionalism matters, especially during difficult transitions. I am also reminded of the Chinese saying that no banquet lasts forever - every good thing eventually comes to an end. It feels particularly apt in this moment. There is a sense of loss, especially for those who have worked closely with my team lead for many years. While the emotions are understandable, I trust that, in time, everyone will find a way to move forward with maturity and professionalism.

Grateful 8 Apr: Being creative

I didn’t sleep particularly well last night. Not because anything was troubling me, but because my mind was filled with thoughts about training - how I could do this better, or approach that differently. Those thoughts kept me awake for a while before I finally slept. I worked on my ideas this morning and the day flew by quickly. So let me talk about being creative, as it appeared in several aspects of my day.

• Training. After breakfast, I went straight to my laptop. My mind was still brimming with ideas for my training session this Friday. How to use activities to teach certain concepts? What questions should I include? How should I sequence the questions? How much time to allocate to each segment? How should I deliver should there be a particular class profile? These were the thoughts that kept me awake, and I wanted to work on them before they slipped away. The morning passed quickly, totally immersed mentally, and before I knew it, it was time for lunch. So yes, when I start to get creative with my instructional designs and time management, I know I am ready. I just need to remind myself not to overdo it - there is still another module to prepare. For now, I am grateful for the progress made.

• Dessert. I’m not usually one for desserts these days. I do have a sweet tooth, and they used to be almost a given. But lately, with calorie counting on my mind, desserts have been one of the first things to go. Today, however, I decided to be a little more relaxed and go with how I felt. During my afternoon walk, I treated myself to a slice of pandan kaya cake (above pic), alongside a second kopi o kosong. I justified it - less rice at lunch, a good walk after lunch - it felt ok. The cake, unfortunately, had been sitting out too long. It was hard and stale. Thankfully, the kopi o kosong softened it and it wasn’t too bad. Most importantly, I appreciated this little indulgence. Perhaps this too is a form of creativity - finding balance, adjusting, and compensating with a lighter dinner, which I did.

• Time & Energy. I’ve been quite caught up with work and various activities lately, and as a result, I haven’t paid much attention to some of life’s simple routines and hobbies. Today, however, after my training preparation and that small indulgence, I found the energies to return to them and once I started, the momentum caught on. By dinner time, I had completed the marcotting process of a Ficus plant I started almost a month ago (below pic), loosened the soil of several pots, washed the balcony, did the laundry, mend my shoes, even as I cooked my dinner. It turned out to be a deeply fulfilling day - catching up on all the little things that had quietly accumulated over time.

So this was my day - being creative in designing instructions, making thoughtful choices about and how what I eat, using my time in response to the rhythms of the day and bringing attention back to little things that matter. It reminded me that being creative is not just about producing something new. It is about being intentional - with my thoughts, my choices, and my energy. In that sense, even an ordinary day can become a meaningful one.

After 60...

I watched a youtube video on what to let go of after 60 and it covered the following 9 points:

• Stop saving out of fear
• Stop spending on things that doesn’t bring you joy 
• Stop trading time for money, it is worth more 
• Stop putting off experiences that make you feel alive
• Stop neglecting your health, your greatest asset
• Stop worrying about what others think 
• Stop the constant noise of negativity  
• Stop financial fear, but do not ignore it 
• Stop the illusion that you have forever

Useful reminders. But it will definitely take a long while to let go of the old mindset. Oh, I haven't reach 60 yet! Heh...

Satan

This sounded more like Satan speaking, not human at all…

Grateful 7 Apr: Misadventures - Not

Tbh, today felt like a day of misadventures. And indeed, it was - but nonetheless, there are many things that I can still be grateful for. Let me share the details here: 

• Sungei Buloh Wetlands - Not. I woke up early, feeling all enthusiastic about going to Sungei Buloh Wetlands. After all, I had wanted to go there last week but ended up going to Jurong instead. I left home early after a quick meditation, went to Simei for my kopi o kosong, and then took the MRT to Tampines and happily boarded service 168. The bus was supposed to take me to Woodlands, where I would change to another bus, and the whole journey would be some 2 hours long. 45 min into the journey, the skies turned dark - ominously dark… I checked the weather app and, horrors… huge thunderstorm ahoy! And looking at the size of the clouds and the forecast, the impending storm would last till afternoon. I decided to abandon my plans, alighted and made a u-turn back. It looked like there were no outdoor options for me. So I headed to Bedok, took an early lunch, and bought the famous Teochew soon kueh (traditional bamboo shoot snack) before heading back home. Not quite what I had planned, but looking back, I did get a small “excursion” out of it - and a good snack too. Perhaps that was enough for the morning, and I am thankful for it.

• MacRitchie Reservoir & Cuties - Not. Back home, I ate the soon kueh and as I waited for the rain to ease. I weighed some options for my outdoor walk: Tanah Merah Beach, MacRitchie Reservoir (MR)… The rain didn’t look like it was about to stop, so Tanah Merah Beach was out. Not wanting to spend the whole afternoon at home, I decided to take the MRT to Chinatown for tea instead. Hopefully, the rain would clear and I could still make my way to MR and maybe spot some cute young fit guys running. As I had another round of kopi o kosong, I was quite pleased to see the rain clouds clearing on the app. Feeling hopeful, I headed towards MR - a 45-min journey on the bus. And guess what - when I reached, there was still a light drizzle, just enough to make walking pointless. And instead of young cute guys, the place was filled with teenage canoeists - all young enough to be my grandkids. Darned! I decide to leave. Still, the trip wasn’t entirely wasted. The tea break in Chinatown was rather nice - unhurried, and a good pause. 

• Smooth Journey - Not. I boarded another bus towards town, thinking I might do some window shopping. The bus journey itself was uneventful, apart from an irritating fellow watching a show on his mobile at full volume. By the time I reached the fringe of town, it was already quite late, and I decided to just head home instead. And so I changed bus, but the one I intended to take was crowded and I took the one behind, planning to switch to one that would take me home further down the road. Alas, I forgot the bus service number I was on, and ended going around 2 - 3 housing estates before ending at an interchange nowhere near my place. Thankfully, there was a coffee shop nearby, and I ended up having a very nice dinner - caifan with stir-fried stingray. It has been a while since I had that, and I enjoyed it.

So yeah, that was how my day went. I travelled across half the island, u-turned to Bedok, went back home, then to town, to MR, back to town, around a few housing estates, and finally home - objectively, not achieving very much. But along the way, there were pockets of enjoyment: good kopi o kosong, soon kueh, a quiet afternoon tea, and a comforting dinner... The day totally didn’t go according to plan. Things didn’t line up, plans kept shifting, not by design, and yet nothing really went wrong either. And maybe that is something worth noting - that even on a day that felt slightly off, there were still enough small, good moments to carry it through. I am grateful for these good moments.

Grateful 6 Apr: Peace

I think it might be because of the very busy and mentally stimulating day I had yesterday. I slept really well last night and woke up feeling clear-headed, energetic, and refreshed. Perhaps it is also because I feel relatively confident about the training preparation I have done over the past few days, and quietly assured that I will be able to hold the class this coming Friday. And so, let me give thanks for the following today:

• Meditation. It must have been the good night’s sleep, for I woke up feeling very clear-minded and peaceful. This allowed me to meditate and hold the stillness for a good half hour without much effort, for which I am grateful. Thinking about it, this calmness is likely the result of both the full day I had yesterday and the clearing of my “mental knot”.

• Confidence. I felt good about my training preparation. I have not felt this way for a while, especially when I am about to teach a new subject this Friday. I went through the details again this morning, systematically - starting from the admin, the name list (with a last-minute insertion of a new learner, again...), the assessment reports, the activity workbook, the assessment settings in the portal, and finally the lesson content. There are, of course, some still outstanding admin matters, but these can be completed quickly on the training day itself. For being able to reach where I am now, I give thanks for the many iterations and the preparation I have put in over the past days and weeks. I look forward to delivering the training.

• Breaking the habit. I decided against recording the details of my meals in ChatGPT today. I have been doing it diligently since early Nov 2025 in my efforts to monitor my weight and I had my fair share of struggles with ChatGPT for the constant chiding of what I should eat for each meal. I woke up today almost 2kg heavier than usual, and I am quite certain it was due to the heavy Chinese dinner I had last evening - all the soups, the meats, and so on. But I also realised I had been too strict with myself, to the point of not being able to simply enjoy life. What is the point of imprisoning myself with all the records and getting so worked up about my food intake after each meal? When I think about it, it is actually quite amusing that I should get annoyed with ChatGPT for chiding me about my sodium intake, how much protein I had missed, and what I should make up for, etc. So today, I chose not to record my meals. So what if I end the day weighing a little heavier. What the heck, right? So yes, I am grateful to myself for making this deliberate decision to rid myself of this behaviour, and I am at peace with it.

Yet again, I am reminded that balance is important. It is not about absolute control, but also about knowing when to loosen the grip. Being disciplined - such as devoting time to training preparation - is important, as it gives me peace of mind; but when a behaviour that began as discipline starts to control me, it becomes, in itself, a problem. I am grateful for this realisation.

Slow Ghost

I just learned this phrase “slow ghost”…

Yeah! It clicks immediately.

Have I moved on?

This evening, I was looking at my IG when a photo of my ex jumped out at me. It startled me.

I had removed him from my IG, so how is it that his photo is staring at me. Then I realized it was posted by his very close girl friend whom I also know. The photo was posted 5 days ago and it was taken in Bangkok. They had gone for Bangkok Hyrox. For that moment, I felt a little ache and curious - curious about how he is, what’s he doing now, and for that matter, whether he is attached now. 

And then I started to google about Hyrox and whether it is something I could do, with my current health condition - heart, knees, and all. Google results said it is too high a risk for me and tbh, I felt good. Good cos it validated me - that he had once told me about his wish that I could join him for all his high intensity exercises altho I said my health condition didn’t allow me to. It reminded me of how I felt when I was with him - that I cannot live up to his expectations given our age difference.

It’s almost exactly 2 years since he decided to call off the relationship. Back then, to manage myself, I deleted everything related to him - photos we took over the 7 years together, his IG profile, his X profile, and so on, short of his contact number. Yet, seeing the photo today, I instinctively scrolled through all the posted photos. I was unsure what I was looking for, to be honest. 

And then, I reminded myself - Get a grip! He dumped you for selfish reasons. He wouldn’t even commit to care for you when you needed him. It’s not a balanced relationship and not being together is probably the best outcome. You have gone through too much these 2 years and life has started to stabilize. Love yourself. No point thinking about the past. Move on… And I wondered - have I actually moved on? 

I exited the app.

ps: yes, I have.

Grateful 5 Apr: Qingming

I was supposed to be conducting training today, but due to a last-minute change, I found myself unexpectedly free. Instead of sleeping in, I chose to keep to my usual training schedule — I went for an early morning walk, had breakfast, and filled my day with activities. It turned out to be a rather full and meaningful day. On this day, I am thankful for:

• Remembrance. Today is Qingming Festival (清明节), a day of remembrance. Some refer to it as Tomb-Sweeping Day, though this is somewhat simplistic. The Chinese name, when translated literally, means “Clear and Bright”, reflecting the seasonal shift towards warmer, rainier weather and the greening of the landscape. Over time, it has come to be associated with remembering ancestors - visiting graves, offering prayers, and paying respects. As a guide, one can commemorate Qingming by visiting the graves anytime within 2 weeks before/ after the actual day. I had initially planned to visit the columbarium on Tuesday, but decided to go today instead. This year, however, I chose not to purchase the usual ancestor worship paraphernalia. This decision was influenced by a video I watched by a Buddhist venerable, who shared that making a donation to the temple can be just as meaningful as a way of expressing gratitude and remembrance. And that is what I did. 

• Rain. True to its name, it rained while I was on the bus heading to the columbarium. I hadn’t expected it, especially after weeks of blazing heat with hardly any rain, and I had not brought an umbrella. I was prepared to wait it out at the bus stop, but as it turned out, the rain stopped just as I arrived. The weather turned cool, and I was able to walk to the columbarium without getting wet. I felt grateful for that.

• Buddhist class. I am glad I made the effort to attend the Buddhist class after my visit to the columbarium. The topic covered helped me gain clarity on the issue that had troubled me over the past few days. Interestingly, the facilitator did something he had never done before - he invited us to reflect on a recent issue that had been on our minds, and guided us through a short meditation to explore its causes and effects. The exercise was deeply helpful, and it felt as though things fell into place for me. Today’s exercise is so timely and I am truly grateful for it.

Once again, the day felt quietly aligned. Everything seemed to fall into place - from the timely clearing of the rain, to the meditation that brought clarity, and finally, the simple gesture of PY texting to ask if I wanted to have dinner, which I did, and ate my north eastern Chinese food. I could not be more thankful for how the day unfolded.

Fun? Grindr messages

Oh my… over the past two days, my Grindr has received quite a few messages!

It started as early as Thursday afternoon. I had just finished my walk and was sitting by my condo pool when the pool cleaner (the guy who comes every other day) saw me and kept staring. He had already finished cleaning and was about to drive off when I arrived. As he drove off, he continued staring at me, but within a minute or two, he came back and went straight into the pool toilet, turning his head and looking at me as he did so. Something told me he was waiting for me. Anyway, I didn’t respond, and after a while, he left. The next thing I knew, I received a message on Grindr: “Hi, that was me, the pool guy”… wow, I thought. How on earth did he know it was me? I didn’t even have a profile photo. We chatted briefly, and he said I look “damn fit” and told me he wanted to blow me. He also mentioned that he cleans the pool every 2, 4, and 6, and that if I’m horny and need a blow, I can just text him. He’ll be more than willing. 

And yesterday (Good Friday), I received no fewer than 6 or 7 messages (maybe more) throughout the day, starting from the pre-dawn hours inviting me for “wild fun”. And in the morning, just before I left home for coffee, one message came in: “Hi, wanna play? I host.” “No, thanks, I’m heading out,” I replied. Clearly, I wasn’t interested. I haven’t done such meet-ups for quite a long while, and I’m not about to do so, tbh. A couple of minutes later, the same guy texted again: “Are you sure you’re going out?” This guy must be feeling unsecure, I thought. Feeling annoyed, I replied curtly, “You’re rather insistent. As I said, I’m going out.” He stopped messaging after that. And while at the coffee shop, another person sent me a series of explicit photos and invited me to his place for “long fun”, I turned him down too. The messages continue to come in even as I was in the MRT and just as I arrived at Chinese Garden station, I got this “Hi, wanna play? I’m at a quiet staircase nearby.” I didn’t reply. 

I was quite surprised by how fast and furious the messages came. After the initial few messages, I simply stopped replying. And the messages continue coming in today. It must be due to the Good Friday long weekend!

Grateful 4 Apr: Media

These days, after leaving corporate life, the distinction between weekdays and weekends has gently faded. My days now move in a steady, familiar rhythm - work (when there is upcoming training), afternoon walks and exercise, rest, and the occasional indulgence in shows online or on television. Today followed much of that rhythm, but it carried a slightly different undertone. You see, I had been navigating some lingering emotions since last evening. The shows I watched, thus, became both an escape and a means of easing that heaviness, and for that, I am grateful. 

• Nanny McPhee. I spent the latter part of the afternoon watching 2 children's shows: Nanny McPhee (2005) and Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang (2010) on Netflix. They were fun and entertaining as they were touching. Both films explored a range of human emotions - fear, love, betrayal, competition, and so on. It was lovely to see the strong cast of both shows, and to reflect on how the child actors have since grown into young adults, while some familiar faces, such as Maggie Smith, have since passed on. I’m grateful for the warmth and lightness these films brought to my afternoon. 

• AI-generated documentaries. I devoted much of the early evening to watching AI-generated documentaries on YouTube. It continues to amaze me how AI can recreate scenes from history and legend - Chinese dynasties, Alexandria, even Atlantis. These shows offer a glimpse into how life might have been in the past, while providing both enjoyment and learning. I’m grateful for an evening that felt both engaging and enriching. 

• Songs. Listening to MTVs on YouTube has become a regular part of my routine. It provides a gentle background as I work or write, and sometimes helps to drown the noise from the playground below. At times, I find myself singing along - especially to songs that carry familiar melodies and memories. These moments bring a quiet sense of comfort and nostalgia. 

It has been a slow and reflective day. I began by completing some meaningful training preparation, but for much of the day, my mind remained preoccupied with a lingering issue from last night, sparked by a message from someone. Although I responded after my exercise, the heaviness stayed with me for a while. Yet, as the day unfolded, there was a gradual lightening. The online shows and music did more than distract - they gently helped me regain a sense of balance and return to myself. For that quiet shift, I am truly grateful.

Grateful 3 Apr: A Good Friday

It’s the Good Friday public holiday, and I decided to head somewhere far away today. The day turned out much better than I had expected - perhaps even what a “good” Friday should feel like, in its own simple way.

• Jurong Lake Gardens. I told myself I wanted to go somewhere for a walk in nature, but I couldn’t quite decide where. I had options such as Sungei Buloh Wetlands, Jurong Lake Gardens, Mandai Nature Trail (by the zoo), or even Gardens by the Bay. It was only when I was already on the MRT that I decided Jurong would be the best option - the MRT stops right by the gardens. I ended up spending a pleasant day there. The weather was a little warm, but the walk was enjoyable, with much to see and experience. It was also my first visit to the Japanese Garden since it opened in 1975. I am grateful I made the decision to visit Jurong.

• Time with D. When I arrived at the Chinese Garden, I thought it would be nice to text D. After all, he lives in the western part of Singapore and has often lamented that we easterners rarely venture to the west. So once I arrived at the Chinese Garden, I sent him a picture of the pagoda. He recognised it immediately, and suggested meeting for lunch. We ended up lunching at Taman Jurong Hawker Centre before walking through both the Chinese Garden and Japanese Garden. So grateful that he made time to meet me! Was totally unexpected and especially at such short notice.

• Tea with K. I had also checked in with K earlier in the morning, thinking it might be nice to meet for a drink since it was a public holiday. He already had plans, so we left it at that. As it turned out, while I was on my way home from Jurong, he messaged to say he had finished his programme. We ended up meeting for a relaxed afternoon tea in town, followed by a visit to the temple. That visit gave me the space to pray for good health and for things to go smoothly at work, especially in light of recent developments with my training team lead and my current bout of piles. It was a timely opportunity to pause and centre myself.

It was a simple the day. Yet it felt full and meaningful - time in nature, great companionship, and a moment of reflection. Perhaps that is the gentle blessing of this Good Friday: not just a public day marked on the calendar, but one that turned out to be, quite simply, a good Friday.

Grateful 2 Apr: Departures

It is a day of departures - something we are often inclined to meet with sadness. Yet, if we can learn to accept endings as readily as we accept beginnings, they may also become moments for reflection, and perhaps even gratitude. Here is why I have titled today’s post “Departures”:

• Termination. My team lead flew in to the overseas head office yesterday at short notice, which left many of us curious and concerned. This afternoon, we received a message from him in the our group chat informing us that he had been terminated due to “business reasons”. The news came as a shock to all of us. He has been a stalwart of the team since its inception, and his sudden departure was entirely unexpected. Whatever the reasons, I remain thankful to him - for bringing me into the team and for his steady support over the past year. He has been the glue that held the team together, and his presence will be deeply missed. I wish him well in whatever comes next. 

• Death. An ex-colleague, who was once part of my team and whom I had been coaching over the past two years, shared with us via text that her grandmother passed away this morning. The news came without warning. Almost immediately, messages of condolence began pouring in from the team. My heart goes out to her and her family. Moments like these remind me of the transient nature of life - that time is never guaranteed, and that we must treasure what we have while we have it. For this quiet but powerful reminder, I am grateful.

• Rest. My haemorrhoids are still causing discomfort, and today I made a deliberate decision to continue resting. My step count was lower, and I kept my meals simple without overthinking them - though I believe I still managed to maintain a reasonable caloric and protein intake. I also intend to sleep early, having struggled with insomnia last night. In a way, this too feels like a form of departure - a temporary stepping back from activity, from busyness, and from the constant need to do. The postponement of my training this Sunday has eased some of the pressure I would otherwise have felt, allowing me the space to prioritise recovery. And for this pause, this small departure from routine, I am grateful. 

Perhaps departures are not always losses in the way we first perceive them. Sometimes, they are transitions - gentle or abrupt invitations to let go, to reflect, and to realign. Whether it is the parting of people, the passing of life, or even a temporary withdrawal into rest, each departure carries with it a quiet lesson. The events of today helped me realise that there is gratitude to be found even in these endings. More importantly, they reminded me of what truly matters and how I can move forward in the face of departures.

Grateful 1 Apr: April Fools' - Not

Today is April Fools’ Day. But no, I did not end up teasing anyone, much as I thought it might be fun to do so. Perhaps April Fools’ jokes do not come as naturally to a near 60-year-old anymore! Heh… anyway, the day turned out to be more tiring than I had expected not because of anything major, but simply from the usual, everyday things. And that, in itself, is something I am thankful for. 

• D. I met D for breakfast this morning, and we had a really nice chat. It had been a while since we last ate together, and it felt good to spend that time with him, just the two of us. I have known of him since the mid-90s, back when going to Fort Road was a trend. He was one of the more popular and attractive guys, and many of the gay men who hung out there had their eyes on him. But I never once spoke to him. One of my friends dated him for a while, and after they broke up, he went on to date another mutual friend. I kept my distance, preferring to stay low-profile. Fast forward 30 years, and I met him by chance last year. That was when we started chatting, and over time, we got to know each other better. Coming back to today - it was a simple breakfast, followed by accompanying him and another friend for a foot massage before we went our separate ways. Nothing extraordinary, but quietly warm and meaningful. 

• L. L contacted me a couple of days ago to say she had a doctor’s appointment today to assess a lump on her neck and determine if it might be cancerous. She is an ex-colleague and a cancer survivor. About a decade ago, she went through a major operation, and during that period - from pre-op to recovery - she leaned on me quite a bit for emotional support. She came through it, eventually got married, and I was honoured to be a witness at her solemnisation. We have stayed in touch since, with the occasional visit. So when she reached out again about the lump, I could not help but wonder if there had been a relapse. Even so, I have always admired her courage and her zest for life. When she messaged this evening to say that the initial assessment suggests it is not cancerous, I felt a deep sense of relief. She will still need further tests over the weekend, but for now, I am grateful for this piece of good news. I truly wish her all the best for the next phase. 

• Medication. Something clicked in my mind today - that there are over-the-counter medications available for haemorrhoids. After saying goodbye to D and T, I walked to the pharmacy to get some. I also told M about it, and he sent me a link to a cream, which I went ahead to purchase as well. The pain has improved today, though I still feel discomfort when shifting between standing and sitting. Hopefully, the medication will help things settle over the next few days. I am grateful for the accessibility of such treatments. I probably should have thought of this earlier, but as they say, better late than never. Now, I just hope it works. 

So here we are - April Fools’ Day, yet there was nothing foolish about today. It was a day of simple routines, meaningful connections and reassurances. And oh, I got my laptop issue resolved! Yay! So yeah, today showed me how much warmth there is in the ordinary, and how fortunate I am to have people around me who bring that into my life.

Grateful 31 Mar: Shit happens

When shit happens, shit happens! Hahaha… but frankly, I am not too concerned about it at all, as there is no point getting upset over things beyond my control. There are always more constructive ways of looking at situations. Here are some of the things that did not go well for me today, yet I remain thankful for them.

• Training. For the past two to three weeks, I have been chasing the training company regarding the confirmation of my training session this Sunday (Easter Sunday). Last Friday, they finally confirmed that it would proceed and that I will be delivering it. However, to date, I have not received any follow-up on the administrative details, materials, and so on. With Good Friday round the corner I got worried, so I wrote in again this afternoon. I then received a call and learnt that the company had screwed up. They had forgotten to register me with the authority to conduct the course (it is a government subsidised course and all trainers need to be registered to deliver the course). As a result, I cannot proceed with the training this Sunday. I have now been asked to swap my slot with another trainer. Am I upset? Tbh, no. The session has merely been postponed to a future date. This also means I have more time to prepare, and I can now focus on another course that will happen next week. That, in itself, is something to celebrate. Hurray!

• Course. I had applied for a one-year Specialist Diploma course commencing in the last week of April, related to what I do best - career coaching. However, I received an email yesterday (or perhaps the day before) informing me that my application was unsuccessful as the course was oversubscribed. Am I upset about it? Not really. I admit it has been on my mind over the past two days, but today I reframed the situation. Upon reflection, I had some reservations about the location and the course schedule. The F2F sessions of the course is being conducted in a polytechnic located in Woodlands, a good 2 hours plus journey by public transport! And had I been successful, I would have quite a few F2F sessions to attend next month. So this outcome means my April schedule will now be a lot lighter, and I will have more breathing space. For that, I am grateful.

• New Commitments. Next month, at least 5 to 6 days of activities have been cancelled or postponed (training, course, etc). Interestingly, just as news of these changes came in, I received a couple of messages from friends and social service contacts inviting me to lunch, appreciation events and other gatherings. The timing feels almost coincidental. Perhaps the postponement of the training and the unsuccessful course application are indeed blessings in disguise. 

And of course, apart from the above, my laptop also gave up on me today, and I got a blue screen bitlock prompt when I tried to turn it on. But well, I supposed it is an opportunity to learn about how to unlock it, and for this, I should be grateful. So once again, the experiences over the past couple of days - culminating in today’s training postponement - reinforce the saying that “when one door closes, another opens”. There is no point getting upset over things I cannot control, and I am grateful for this reminder, once again.

Smells a rat…

A friend contacted me and told me the following story:

“Hi… I no longer have my house and I’ve been scammed and have lost more than a million dollars. Two days ago, the police called me and arranged for me to meet up with the PM. The PM leh! And they said they will try to get my money back to me from overseas. But they are asking me to put a deposit of $100k. I need help. Can you lend me $30k? I will return you the full sum by end-April”

I said no politely and we ended the conversation. He then texted me:

“Will you be able to lend me $5k instead? I’ll return the full amount in 2 months, complete with interest.”

I rejected him again. He is a friend and to get this call, I feel sad for him. My heart feels bad not helping him but my head tells me that it is obviously a scam.

Grateful 30 Mar: Listening Within (2)

Today was a continuation of yesterday’s lesson - learning to listen more closely to my body and respond with care rather than habit. While the discomfort from my piles relapse persisted, it also created space for me to slow down, be more intentional, and reflect on how I manage both rest and recovery. The pain has eased compared to yesterday, and I believe the proper rest I had last night made a significant difference. 

• Good rest. As a rule, I try not to take medication unless absolutely necessary, but I chose to take a muscle relaxant and some painkillers before bed. I am glad I did. I slept soundly through the night and woke at about 7am feeling sufficiently rested. It has been a while since I managed to sleep through without waking, and I was reminded that sometimes, allowing myself support - even in the form of medication - can aid recovery rather than detract from it. 

• Slow & deliberate. I moved through the day in a slower and more deliberate manner. To avoid aggravating the condition, I reduced my walking distance from my usual 13–15k steps to about 8k. I also took a more proactive approach by reading up on the condition and applying a steroid cream to manage the inflammation. This felt like a small but meaningful act of self-care - learning to respond to my body with informed and intentional action. In doing so, I realised that slowing down does not equate to being unproductive; in fact, the day still felt purposeful and passed more quickly than I expected. 

• Little blessings. I also found myself appreciating the small comforts around me - the breeze flowing through my home despite the warm weather, simple snacks like teriyaki abalone, cashew nuts, and belinjau crackers. These moments reminded me that even on quieter, slower days, there is a quiet abundance to be noticed and appreciated. 

In many ways, today reaffirmed that taking care of myself is not a pause from progress, but part of it. Slowing down, listening within, and responding with care may seem like small actions, but they are building a more sustainable way of moving forward.

Grateful 29 Mar: Listening Within (1)

Today was an unplanned lesson in listening to my body and practising self-compassion. I had a very bad relapse of my piles last evening, possibly triggered by long hours of standing and constant movement. The discomfort disrupted my sleep throughout the night, and by morning, I did not feel well enough to get out of bed. While the day did not unfold as I had intended, it gently reminded me of the importance of slowing down and paying attention.

• Listening to the body. Last night was extremely difficult. Despite feeling physically exhausted, my mind remained active, and sleep was elusive. The pain made it worse, waking me frequently. It was only just before daybreak that my body gave way, and I fell into a brief but deep sleep. When I woke up, the discomfort lingered, and I could not immediately get out of bed. Even after I eventually got up, it was clear that my body was not quite ready for the day ahead. I had planned to attend my Buddhist class, but as the morning unfolded, I found myself reconsidering. Instead of pushing through or rigidly holding on to my plans, I chose to let the class go. It was a conscious act of self-compassion - acknowledging that rest was what I needed more. I am grateful for this reminder that listening to my body sometimes means choosing less, not more.

• Going with the flow. With the training assignment now confirmed, I felt a natural pull to continue my preparation. After getting up and completing my morning routines, I began doing some work and gradually became engrossed in it. Time passed quickly, and what started as a small effort turned into a more focused stretch of preparation. After a quick lunch, I returned home and continued working, while also allowing space to rest in between. There is a certain flow that comes when I do not resist my state but work with it. Rather than forcing productivity, I found myself moving in and out of effort more naturally. I am grateful that even on a low-energy day, I was able to adjust and still make meaningful progress.

• Receiving from others. It was interesting that as I slowed down, several unexpected connections happened. An old cabin crew colleague reached out, and it was comforting to reconnect after so many years. After dinner, another ex-colleague joined me for a simple grocery run and walk. Later in the evening, a friend’s husband messaged to check in - a small but thoughtful gesture I had not anticipated. None of these were planned, yet each interaction was warm and heartfelt. Perhaps when I allow myself to be in a more vulnerable, slower state, I also become more open to receiving care. I am grateful for these reminders that I am not alone.

The day began with pain, discomfort, and disruption, but it unfolded into something more reflective and grounding. I listened, adjusted, and allowed myself to slow down. In doing so, I not only took better care of myself but also found that support and connection came in gentle, unexpected ways. In all, I learned that when I listen to my body, I also create space to receive what I need - care and support from others, and above all, self-compassion. And for that, I am grateful.

Grateful 28 Mar: Social work

Today has been an exhausting day of social work, yet I feel deeply grateful to have been part of it. There is something incredibly heartening about witnessing young people show such enthusiasm and commitment. So for today, these are the 3 moments I am most grateful for. 

• Breakfast. I woke up at 6am so I can meet K for breakfast before the event. It had been some time since we last caught up over a meal. I arrived earlier and noticed an exceptionally long queue at the coffee stall. Wanting to save time, I joined the queue, only to realise - just as I was about to order - that the stall accepted cash only. I had none on me. Oh my... in this day and age, it's amazing how there are still stalls that do not accept digital payment, I thought. Not wanting to queue all over again, I told the stall owner I would return with cash. Thankfully, K arrived shortly after with cash and I was able to make the payment. Otherwise, it would have been rather embarrassing to cancel the order at the last minute. 

• Volunteering. I spent the day volunteering at a project in Toa Payoh, where we cleaned and painted the homes of elderly residents. The effort also involved junior college students, and in total, five apartments were assigned for the day. 3 students, K, and I were allocated to an elderly lady’s home - though, truth be told, I thought she looked younger than me. She needed help to clean her fridge, do general cleaning of the flat, paint the walls, main door, gate and grills. It was really tough work. But what stood out most was the enthusiasm of the students. It was truly uplifting to see their energy and enthusiasm. More than that, it was deeply heartwarming to witness the smiles on the ladys’ face after her home had been cleaned and refreshed. 

• Food delivery. By the time I got home, I was completely drained. In fact, I could hardly stand while I was in the MRT! After a cold shower, I literally collapsed into bed, having been awake since 6am and running on little rest. The day had been physically demanding - washing, scrubbing, clearing rubbish - and I barely had the energy to move. Although I am not usually a fan of food delivery due to the higher costs and additional "platform" fees, I found myself genuinely thankful for it in that moment. I placed an order for dinner and drifted into a deep nap. It did not matter that the food took almost an hour and a half to arrive; what mattered was the convenience when I needed it most. 

It was a long and incredibly exhausting day, but also a deeply meaningful one. Ultimately, it is not just the satisfaction of helping others and seeing their smiles, but also the inspiration I drew from the teenagers. Their enthusiasm, sense of responsibility, and cheerfulness throughout the day left a strong impression on me. I am truly grateful that I chose to be part of this experience.

Grateful 27 Mar: Reframing

I started off today with a sense of unhappiness that I could not quite explain at first. It wasn’t triggered by any one major event, but rather a series of small situations that began to accumulate. As I reflected, I realised how quickly I was slipping into a familiar pattern - attributing how I felt to external circumstances and people. This awareness reminded me that if I did not consciously reframe, I would simply spiral into unhelpful thinking. And so today became an opportunity to practise what I have been focusing on this year - self-compassion, and to embrace my own vulnerabilities. Let me share more:

• Class confirmation. I have been scheduled to deliver a class next weekend. It is a new module that I had not taught before and there is much to prepare - content, activity, admin, and so on. Yet, to date, there has been no confirmation - something highly unusual. With no response from the coordinator despite a few follow-ups, I could feel my frustration building. But when I stepped back, I asked myself a simple question: regardless of whether this class proceeds next weekend, will I still need to deliver this module it at some point in future? The answer was yes. That realisation shifted something in me. Instead of waiting in uncertainty, I chose to begin my preparation. In doing so, I felt a sense of control return. I even found myself mentally rehearsing parts of the session. The tension I initially felt towards the organisation lifted, replaced by a quiet sense of progress. I am thankful for this reframing. 

• Meet ups. The second situation involved a friend who was silent and non-committal about meeting up this week, breaking our usual routine. Almost immediately, my mind began to fill the gap with assumptions - am I no longer a priority, did I do/ say something wrong?... I noticed how easily my earlier frustration fed into these thoughts, creating a chain of negativity. But again, I paused and reframed. If he is not available, wouldn't this be an opportunity for me to spend time with myself? To explore something new, or simply to enjoy my own company? Why should my emotional state depend on someone else’s availability? I have been here before, in past friendships and relationships, and I know where such thinking can lead. With this awareness, I let the thoughts pass. The lightness that followed reminded me that self-reliance, in an emotional sense, is something I am still learning - and today, I took a small step forward. I am thankful for this realisation. 

• Daily Routine. My daily mid-day routine has been lunch, kopi-o kosong at Simei and walk around the industrial estate. But it had started to feel stale, especially after a few more varied days recently. So instead of going through the motions, I decided to change things slightly. I took a bus to Bedok for my lunch and walked back via a different route. Along the way, I passed through the Tanah Merah estate, visited the San Qing Gong temple (see photo above), and observed people carrying out their Qingming prayers. Yet, I still kept to what mattered to me - my walk and my kopi-o kosong at Simei. This small shift reminded me that reframing does not always require drastic change. Sometimes, it is about adjusting how we approach the familiar, allowing space for new experiences without losing what grounds us. I am thankful for this simple yet refreshing change. 

As I reflect on the day, I am reminded that life will always present situations that are uncertain, inconvenient, or disappointing. The instinct to blame or to externalise is a natural one, but it is not always a helpful one. What matters more is the ability to pause, to reframe, and to ask: what is within my control, and what can I do with what is in front of me? This is something I do when I coach others! And in doing so, I find that not only do I become more productive, but I also feel more at peace. Perhaps this is what self-compassion looks like in practice - not avoiding discomfort, but choosing how I respond to it. I am thankful for this awareness and the reminder to reframe.

Grateful 26 Mar: Senses (2)

I wrote about 3 of the 5 senses yesterday, and today I found myself naturally completing the rest - alongside a deeper awareness of mindfulness. Not because I felt the need to finish the list, but more because the day itself presented the opportunity to do so. 

• Mindfulness. These 2 days, I surprised myself by being able to meditate for more than 30 minutes. To be honest, time isn’t something I aim for when I meditate - in fact, there have been days where I struggled to stay focused for even 10 minutes. But the past two days felt different. Perhaps I was more rested, or perhaps my mind was simply less preoccupied. At some point, I settled into a deeper state where everything felt very still - almost like falling into an empty space. “Nothing” is probably the closest word I have for it. It didn’t feel forced, and I didn’t have to try too hard to stay there. I came out of it feeling light, almost floaty, and very calm. A quiet reminder that sometimes, the mind settles when I simply allow it to. I am grateful for that. 

• Hear. I started meditating around June or July last year, and it has since become a practice I do every morning before breakfast. Part of it involves tuning into the sounds around me. When I close my eyes and let go of sight, everything I hear becomes more pronounced. And this is where the richness of what would otherwise be background noise comes to the fore - birds chirping, cars in the distance, babies crying, people talking on the phone, someone sweeping the walkway downstairs. All of it happening at once, in that same moment. Nothing special, just daily life unfolding. Yet when I pay attention, these ordinary sounds take on a different quality. They anchor me to the present and remind me that life is always happening, even when I am not consciously noticing it. I am grateful for these moments of awareness. 

• Feel/ Touch. Today brought a gentle awareness of my body through simple experiences such as the feel of the breeze on my body when I meditate, the heat of the sun, or even the prick of a needle. While at MacRitchie for my afternoon walk, I took the opportunity to lie on the ground and simply sun myself. The heat was at times scorching but still tolerable, softened by the occasional clouds passing by. Having grown up by the beach, this feeling is familiar, enjoyable even. I went for my blood test after my walk. The sensation of the needle piercing the skin was brief, almost insignificant. It was a sensation that I anticipated. The whole experience reinforced the notion that it was not about the pain or discomfort. Rather, it was about being connected to the present through the body. Even these small moments are reminders that I am alive, aware, and responsive. I am grateful for that. 

Bringing these reflections together, I am reminded that my senses are not just functional - they are ways of being present, and also quiet gateways to memory. The warmth of the sun, the layering of everyday sounds, even the stillness of the mind - each holds traces of past experiences, resurfacing in the present moment. There is nothing particularly extraordinary about any of this, and perhaps that is the point. When I pay attention, the ordinary not only feels quietly rich, but also deeply familiar. And for that, I am grateful.

Between Worlds

I was on holiday with my mum.

We were in a coach and had arrived at a shopping centre for a short break. The coach parked at the coach parking bay. It was drizzling lightly, and I quickly wheeled her - she was in a wheelchair - into the building. As the glass doors slid open, what greeted us was a brightly lit tennis court with people playing. Mum, in her usual critical way, remarked that the place was “lousy” - how could a shopping centre have a tennis court instead of shops right at the entrance? I laughed and told her to suspend judgement, since we had just arrived, and that the main shopping area was probably upstairs. We just needed to take the travelator up. 

Then things shifted. 

I suddenly realised I was completely naked. It didn’t feel right to be walking around like that, especially in public and in an unfamiliar place. There were many people around, and feeling self-conscious, I started looking for a toilet. Luckily, there was one nearby, and I went into a cubicle to change. It was an interesting toilet. Light blue in colour, brightly lit and very high ceiling. There was no urinal nor shower head, just an empty space. At that moment, I realised I hadn’t brought any clothes, but somehow I had a pair of black boxer shorts and a singlet in my carry-on pouch. Whew, I thought. And just as I was about to put them on, someone pushed the cubicle door open. It was a little boy… 

Then things became a blur. 

I found myself wondering where my mum was. It seemed like I had been away for quite some time. Was she still waiting for me outside the toilet? Had she gone back to the coach? And then… my thoughts and the scene shifted. Was she in her room? In the living room? Was she back in Marine Parade, our old home? I felt a sense of panic. It took a couple of seconds before it registered - Mum has been gone for more than a decade. What I am left with is not so much the dream itself, but how real that moment felt. For those few seconds, she was simply there again, and I was just going about things with her as I always had. 

I was fully awake by then.

The dream itself got me curious. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Why was I naked? Why was I with my mum? Why did a little boy suddenly appear? I don’t quite have the answers. But what I do notice is that I tend to dream of my mum during moments when I might need some form of support. Perhaps it is less about the details of the dream, and more about what her presence represents. Or perhaps it is simply a reminder of the bond between us. Not something I actively think about after her passing so long ago, but something that continues to surface. 

Again and again.

Grateful 25 Mar: Senses (1)

Today, I found myself becoming more aware of something I often take for granted - my senses. In the midst of an otherwise ordinary day, small moments drew my attention to how I experience the world through smell, taste, and sight. These are not grand realisations, but quiet ones that gently remind me there is depth even in the most basic human faculties.

• Taste. I had a bowl of fish soup for lunch today and found it too salty for my liking. In fact, this heightened saltiness seemed to have become increasingly pronounced over the past week or two. And I wondered if my palate has changed. You see, since CNY, I have been trying to manage my weight after regaining what I had previously lost, and one key adjustment has been reducing my sodium intake. It seems that this conscious effort has recalibrated my taste buds, making me more sensitive to salt. Positively, this shift has also allowed me to experience flavours more distinctly — fish tastes more “fishy”, and eggs more “eggy”. It feels like rediscovering food with a renewed palate, and I am curious about what other experiences this “new tongue” might bring.

• Smell. As I walked along a canal near the MRT depot, with hardly anyone within sight, I was suddenly met with a strong, flowery fragrance. While flowery smells are often associated with the supernatural, this experience felt different. It was the middle of the day - hot, bright, and sunny - hardly the setting for such encounters. More importantly, the scent itself is different from what I had previously experienced. I also did not get that sudden chilly feel. With that awareness, I found myself becoming curious rather than fearful. I do not have an explanation for what I experienced, but I am grateful that my sense of smell, together with past experience, helped me navigate my emotions - shifting me from fear to curiosity. 

• Sight. It was low tide during my walk and with it came sights that I do not usually get to see. The lowered water level revealed an abundance of oysters and barnacles clinging to the canal walls, forming textures and patterns that would otherwise remain hidden. I also saw white egrets perched quietly along the canal edge, watching the shallow waters with intent, clearly on the lookout for an opportunistic catch. It struck me that these sights had always been there, just not always visible - or perhaps not always noticed. And in that moment, I found myself appreciating not just the ability to see, but the opportunity to observe more closely. It was a gentle reminder that what we see often depends on when - and how - we choose to look.

As I look back on these experiences, I realise that my senses are not merely functional - they shape how I interpret and respond to the world around me. They guide my emotions, influence my habits, and evolve alongside me with age and experience. Perhaps that is the quiet gift in all of this - not just that I can see, taste, or smell, but that through them, I continue to learn, adapt, and stay curious. And for that, I am deeply grateful.

Grateful 24 Mar: Living Memory

Today, I found myself reflecting on how nostalgia has quietly become a meaningful part of my daily life. What began as a simple habit has, over time, evolved into something that supports reflection, connection, and a deeper appreciation of my life experiences. In the course of today - through watching YouTube, chatting with M, and conversations with B - I was reminded of how the past continues to shape and serve my present. For this, I am grateful.

• Nostalgia. This evening, as with many others in recent months, I had YouTube playing in the background as I blogged and worked - songs and shows largely from the 60s through to the early 2000s. What started as a way to drown out the noise from the playground downstairs has become a quiet ritual. At times, it provides a gentle backdrop for reflection; at other moments, I find myself singing along to the hits of years past. More than entertainment, it creates space - to pause, to think, and to reconnect with parts of my life that still bring warmth and comfort. For this simple yet meaningful companion in my daily routine, I am grateful.

• Caregiving. In my conversation with B, the topic of caring for elderly parents surfaced. As a foreigner residing in Singapore over the past decade, he has not been able to spend as much time with his elderly parents as he would like, much less look after them. On my part, I shared about my own experiences - particularly the years when I was the primary caregiver for my mum during the final six years of her life with dementia. Those were difficult years, but deeply significant. They became a time in which my mum imparted her final lessons to me - resilience and compassion. Being able to draw from these experiences to support friends and cousins who are navigating similar journeys gives them continued purpose. It is also my way of allowing the past to contribute to others. For these opportunities to share and to be of help, I am grateful.

• Life’s experiences. I chatted with M last night and earlier today, we reflected on how little we truly know of each other’s lives, and acknowledged that there is time ahead to understand one another more deeply. Perhaps he sensed a certain level of reticence on my part and said that there is no need for me to disclose anything I am not comfortable with - that what matters is who I am today. On the contrary, I find this difficult. I have a preference to be open about my past, for it is my past that has shaped who I am today. I may have mellowed over time, but certain desires and less helpful tendencies remain, and understanding their context matters to me. What stood out in this exchange was the absence of judgement - just a quiet acceptance of each other’s journeys. For the ability to reflect, to share, and to be accepted without judgement, I am thankful.

In bringing these moments together, I am conscious that while I may indulge in nostalgia, I am not held back by it. Instead, it has become a resource that offers perspective, supports connection, and allows me to move forward with greater awareness. The past, in its own way, continues to serve the present. And in learning how to carry it well, I find myself ageing with a certain sense of grace. For this, I am thankful.

Grateful 23 Mar: Simple Joys

It was a simple day, and I initially wanted to write about being grateful for life’s most basic things - the air I breathe, the water I drink, and so on. But as I reflected more deeply, I realised there were a few moments that stood out, not because they were significant, but because of what they revealed: 

• Walk-Jog-Bus Ride. I met a social worker for lunch at Bedok Interchange hawker centre today. As usual, I left early to have my kopi-o kosong at Simei, thinking I could simply take the MRT to Bedok afterwards. But after my coffee, I realised I had more time than expected and decided to take the bus instead. The app showed that the next bus would arrive in 9 minutes, so I thought I might as well walk to the next stop. And then the next. And then the next. Since I have another hour to go, why not right? And before I knew it, I had covered more than half the distance. At a certain point, I figured it wouldn’t be ideal to arrive drenched in perspiration, and eventually took the bus instead. Funnily enough, I still ended up early as the social worker was late. Doh! But well, despite not planning for it, I ended up clocking my steps! Perhaps it is a reminder that things do not always have to go according to plan to turn out just fine.

• Swim. After meeting the social worker, I returned home and felt it was too early to get back into my work routine. It was really breezy and I decided to sit by the pool to enjoy the breeze. The weather was warm, and before long, I couldn’t resist the temptation and ended up taking a dip. It had been almost a year since I last did so. I only did 2 laps, and decided to just enjoy the refreshing cool water. It was such a huge contrast to the heat of the sun and the morning’s walk-jog and I was grateful for the presence of this pool. Once again, I was reminded how I have stopped making use of such facilities after living in a condo for a while. Perhaps I should do this more often.

• eSIM. 2 days ago, my phone unexpectedly displayed “No SIM”. It was strange and came out of nowhere. I was outside at the time and almost ended up stranded, as I rely on my phone for transport payments and don’t have the habit of carrying my wallet. Thankfully, a food court attendant lent me a pin so I could remove and reinsert the SIM card. M suggested switching to an eSIM, but I hesitated, thinking it might be troublesome. When the issue recurred yesterday and again today, I decided - while sitting by the pool - to just go ahead with it. Within minutes, it was done. Simple. It made me wonder how often I hold back from making small changes because I assume they will be inconvenient, when in reality, they are not.

So yes, it was still a simple day, yet one that reminded me that not everything needs to be planned so tightly. At times, especially when time is not a constraint, it may be better to let things be. A little spontaneity can inject some quiet excitement, and even if things go slightly awry, one can always respond to the moment, and things will work themselves out.

Grateful 22 Mar: Duty, Honour, Country

I read with horror a comment by a leader of a country on the passing of a senior statesman. It set me thinking about the leaders of my own country and, more broadly, the system we have built. I found myself feeling a deep sense of gratitude. I have seen first-hand how our political leaders have consistently been pressured by foreign powers and the international press, particularly from Western countries. Yet, they have held their ground and chosen to build what is relevant to our context. The result is a model of governance that is distinctly our own - one that, at its core, seeks to serve Singaporeans.

• Political leadership. I find myself reflecting on the sense of responsibility that comes with the role. It brings to mind what was instilled in me as an officer cadet in the 1980s - Duty, Honour, Country - a call to serve, and to do so with the nation at heart. It was relevant to me then as an officer cadet and, later, an officer, and I would suggest relevant to all leaders in the country. Leadership is not simply about holding office; it is about clarity of purpose - knowing what one stands for and whose interests one is entrusted to protect. When I look at developments in other parts of the world and especially in countries with much longer histories, I am reminded of how quickly systems can be weakened when leaders place self-interest above the collective good. In such moments, I come to appreciate the deliberate way leadership is developed in Singapore - the thought given to identifying, grooming, and renewing leaders over time. This continuity is not accidental; it reflects a long-term view that I have come to value more deeply with time.

• Institutions. Beyond the individuals, I have come to also better appreciate the role of institutions. When they are strong, institutions provide stability that goes beyond any single leader. They embody values, set boundaries, and ensure that governance remains consistent even as individuals change. Observing how institutions elsewhere can be challenged or eroded has made me more aware of how important it is to protect and uphold them. Here, I see institutions that are not only established, but continually reinforced - and that is something I do not take lightly, and for which I am grateful.

• Decorum of office. At the intersection of the individual and the institution lies the decorum of office. I am often struck by the tone and behaviour of some political leaders that I encounter online. It reinforces a belief I hold - that once a person is elected into office, they carry the responsibility of representing not just a segment of society (that voted for them), but the nation as a whole. In that sense, the office demands a certain standard of conduct, one that reflects respect for both the role and the people it serves. It requires office holders to place the office above themselves. In Singapore, there remains a general expectation of this standard, and I have come to see how important it is in maintaining trust. It is also, I believe, one of the reasons why political leaders here have been held accountable and removed when necessary, regardless of political affiliation. For this too, I am grateful.

As I reflect on these observations, I am reminded that what we have today did not come about by chance. It is the result of intentional effort, careful stewardship, and a shared commitment to something larger than any one individual. And that is why, when I look at what's happening in many countries abroad, I find myself returning to a simple but genuine sense of gratitude.