james & dominic

i wrote about selective memory earlier. i had written it as part of a larger reflection that i did after dominic commented on my post titled "not pink-dotted". i decided to post it separately so as not to convolute this posting. my reflections after his comment made me realize that despite moving on, i had not been able to fully let go of my relationship with james, or more specifically, james. and regretfully, dominic got dragged in becos he was james' colleague and closest friend.

let me talk about dominic first. when i got the comment from him, i felt very surprised and disturbed. surprised for that fact that he knew about my blog and had probably followed it. then again, it is in the public domain and any person would be able to reach it. in his comment, he mentioned about me having selective memory and how i have constantly made him a scapegoat in my break up with james. admittedly, i did not take it too well to his comment initially and wrote something rather defensive. but after a couple of seconds of getting myself composed again, i decided to delete them and not to comment on them. i have always stated and maintained that my blog is a reflection of my thoughts and my perspective of things. and i made no apologies if i come across as rather self-righteous and self-indulgent. i think it is natural and to be expected. and that is what i liked about blogging. it allowed me to talk to myself and shape my thoughts as i reflect after writing. anyway, after replying his comment, i thought deeper into his words. did i really insisted on making him a scapegoat? well, perhaps i have sounded like i did but that was not my intention nor what i meant. perhaps what i reflected in this blog accentuated a certain angle of my perspectives of things. and i do admit my perception of him was not a positive one on the whole. my perception of him was a result of my f2f interactions with him, my sms correspondences with him and assumptions made about him from people's inputs. this picture of him will never be the same as the picture he thinks himself to be and his comments in my blog confirmed that. i don't think he will ever know how large his presence was during those days. and his reactions to me during my break-up with james simply reinforced my negative perception of him. but with his comment and his apology, i think i should finally put things to rest. forgive and forget. frankly, as i type this, i am reminded that forgiving people is about giving myself a chance in life. it will not be easy but i need to try.

now, about james. i always feel very disturbed by anything that brings back memories about my past with james. this was how i felt when i read dominic's comment. in fact, i was trembling when i wrote my reply to his comment. while i do treasure the times with james and the memories of our past, i still have thoughts of me being the victim. it was a very emotional thing for me. a friend told me that james attributed what happened in our past to age - and that we were just living our age. i do not fully agree with that but that was his views and i respect them. i have moved on and we are now on cordial terms. but admittedly, i still do not really have a closure to the years of neglect leading to the eventual end of the relationship despite the fact that i was the one who initiated the break up. i had harboured hopes of him apologizing to me. i had hoped that we could be best of friends. but i think this is not possible. i am sure he has a different perspective to why we broke off and would prefer not to be reminded of me. furthermore, he is simply not the type who would think of the past.

i guessed this is one chapter of my life that i need to learn to let go. i cannot let these thoughts and misgivings affect my life.