3-steps-1-bow 2554

i did the 3-steps-1-bow again this year with bee, schneider, kl and his family. it was my 20th time if i recalled correctly. of cos the experience this time round was very similar to previous years. and as per usual, i made a lot of observations as i went through the ceremony. most of it were similar to what i wrote in previous years (eg 2008) and i shan't repeat them here. instead, i shall write about what went through my head as i did the 3-steps-1-bow. admittedly, many of these are less than noble and i hold no pretense about it. let me share some of them...

• a young chap (from hwa chong i supposed? cos he wore a hwa chong shorts) with a rather jock body joined the ceremony. he queued up behind us and i did not notice him. but after some distance, he caught up with us. i got distracted. i couldn't really see his face from the side. i wondered if he was cute. was he gay? how nice it would be if i could befriend him. i kept looking at him, observing the details. how he stood up, how he knelt, how he bowed, how he stood up again, the hairs on his legs, the neatly cut hairs on his head, etc. he wore black hwa chong shorts, he wore black mini-cut underwear and the rubber band layer has a red lining, he wore grey coloured track shoes, la la la... i was totally distracted. he took large steps and soon, he caught up with bee who was a few persons in front of me he did the 3-steps-1-bow alongside bee for a distance. did he shorten his steps just to be beside bee? did he steal glances at bee? if he did, why? does it imply he is gay if indeed he did? why did not not come alongside me? was i that bad-looking? was it because i was uncle-looking? that the thoughts went on from observing things outwards to questioning myself. with the realization of my distraction, i had to constantly remind myself to pull my focus back to my breathing and my deliberate steps.

• similar to that of the hwa chong chap, there was this chap in yellow t-shirt. late-20s? there was a number 45 sewn onto the back of the tee-shirt. he wore bermudas and slippers. no, he was not cute. yet i wondered if he was gay. again, i got distracted. but it was not because of my thoughts about his sexuality. somehow, when a person is not cute, the desire to want to know his sexuality is not as strong (yes, i am shallow here... lol). i got distracted by his silent ooos and ahhs as he went through the 3-steps-1-bow. the road surface was rough. and it was clear his knees and elbows hurt. it was obvious he struggled quite a bit. he perspired like a pig! i kept looking at his reactions as he knelt, bow, stood up... again, i had to remind myself to focus. and to bring myself back to my breathing and chanting... you can imagine how distracted i was when the hwa chong boy and this guy came beside me during one stretch of the ceremony...

• there were also occasions where i got myself into wrong focus. these were times when i passed by many by-standers. during these periods, i began to get self-conscious. did i do it correctly? did i look unglam? did i look like a pro? in short, i got so self-conscious that the source of my focus (intention) on the chanting and mindfulness was no longer pure. rather, it was vanity and ego that drove me to do it well... admittedly, of the 3 distractions that got me distracted, this last one was the most difficult to correct. and i failed badly here.

i am not shy to admit all these things that went through my head. and at the rate i am going, i think i need a lot of lifetimes before i could even get close to enlightenment! but what i acknowledge is this - while doing the 3-steps-1-bow is about remembering all the good of the great teacher, to gain merits and to purify oneself through right efforts of meditation and proper alignment of thoughts, it is certianly not easy. the ceremony is not an end in itself. due diligence must be given to the process of achieving it. this, i thought, is the most important. i have been trying to discipline myself to do it right and with the right intention. it has been 20 years and i am anything but close to achieving the ideals. and i acknowledge that i have a long way to go. i shall try harder in future. i will try harder. :-)