this blog is about helping a person die. to be specific, it is about my experience with my 3rd aunt and her passing close to a decade ago. i am writing this to elaborate on the post i did about my mum's siblings. it was an experience that i believe not many would like to experience. but i did. and i felt i did the right thing. here's the story.
my 3rd aunt was warded into the nursing home after her children could not manage her medical conditions at home. in the 2 plus years of her stay in the nursing home, she suffered gangrene in her legs several times (due to complications from her diabetes). and with each gangrene setting in, the doctors had to amputate part of her leg. her big toe on one leg went first. then it was another toe. and another. and then one foot (up to the ankle). it didn't help to arrest the gangrene and subsequent operations saw her being amputated up to her knees and finally they had to amputate her leg up to her buttocks. the same problem occurred on her other leg. and eventually, what remained of her was nothing but a head, 2 arms and a torso. it was a very sad sight. everyday, she would be propped up in the bed. motionless. staring at either the ceiling or the windows. she also suffered bouts of pneumonia and eventually had to be fed milk through a tube via her nose. she spend 2 plus years in the nursing home in this state. the frequency of visits by her children declined over time and eventually they hardly visited her. so everytime we visited her, her face would brighten up. and although she could not speak, we could see she was happy. that was perhaps the only highlight for her in her final months.
she went into critical condition after 2 plus years due to organ failure and was warded at ttsh (or was it sgh, i couldn't really recall). she went in and out of consciousness during her final days. and she was kept on life support. on the final day, we recieved a call from my cousin telling us she was critical and that she could go anytime. my mum and i rushed down. when we arrived, 2 of her 4 children had arrived. also, my 2nd, 3rd and 4th uncles and their wives were there too. we took turns to talk to her. she was in a semi-conscious state and we could sense she was holding on. we were pretty sure she was waiting for her last 2 children, and of cos my brother (whom she dotes on a lot). if i recall correctly, her 2nd youngest son arrived and managed to see her before she left. her youngest son was late and my brother did not turn up. it was difficult to see her holding on and on. her erratic breathing patterns seemed to indicate she was struggling in that final moments.
not wanting to congest the area around her bed, i waited outside the ward. her daughter, my mum and my aunts remained inside to talk to her (in fact i thought they were talking to each lamenting how my aunt had struggled la la la - and i don't think it is a good thing to say in front of someone dying). next thing i knew, her daughter screamed for me... xxx!!! xxx!!! my mum wants to talk to you! i rushed in and went up to her. she was motionless. i stroke her forehead, wiped her hair back as i usually did for her when i visited her at the nursing home. i kissed her forehead, smelled her hair and told her i was beside her. i asked what she wanted to tell me. she did not say anything. her eyes were slightly opened. sensing that she was still holding on, i whispered in her ears that she should not worry. i went on to tell her that her children have all grown up and despite all the family difference, they are all adults and that she should be happy that they can all take care of themselves. i told her she should not be worried and to go peacefully if she wants to.
that was when she closed her eyes and her heart stopped. it was very surreal. the life support machine when beeeeeeeeeeep. i was kinda shocked at that response. it was something that I could not imagine could happen to me. no one knww what i whispered to her. but the next thing i knew, my cousin and everyone around was wailing and screaming away. i held onto my mum shoulder and brought her out of the ward. everyone was crying like crazy by then. i teared but inside, i was happy that she had finally gone. it was regretable that the family dynamics was really bad at that time but as an outsider i could only observe. so, in a great great way, i was happy she left. she had suffered terribly when she was alive. as a single mum (her first husband did not treat her well. she left him in the end. the second left her for another) who toiled her life to bring up her 4 children, i was sure she was very sad to see her family turned out the way it did. i always felt very sad when i visited her.
as for my dad, he departed when all of us were having our dinner break. we all missed him by a minute. my brother was the one who found him lifeless and ran out to tell us. we rushed in and stood around him. i did not cry. my mother, brother and all others were very quiet. then my mum and sis started crying. i guessed i was able to let him go. i did not see my letting go as an unfilial act. i accepted his passing (as i did my aunt's) as a part of their journey. i guessed buddhism helped me manage their passing. in my dad's case, my aunt later consoled us that my dad decided to leave when we all were having our dinner and that he wanted to leave peacefully without a hoo-haah about his departure. accepting death and managing one's passing is something i have come to terms with and have been able to manage it well thus far. then again, i am not sure how i will manage my mum's passing (or for that matter, my dog sapphie) but i am sure i will be able to accept it as a fact and to be able to help them go in peace.
my 3rd aunt was warded into the nursing home after her children could not manage her medical conditions at home. in the 2 plus years of her stay in the nursing home, she suffered gangrene in her legs several times (due to complications from her diabetes). and with each gangrene setting in, the doctors had to amputate part of her leg. her big toe on one leg went first. then it was another toe. and another. and then one foot (up to the ankle). it didn't help to arrest the gangrene and subsequent operations saw her being amputated up to her knees and finally they had to amputate her leg up to her buttocks. the same problem occurred on her other leg. and eventually, what remained of her was nothing but a head, 2 arms and a torso. it was a very sad sight. everyday, she would be propped up in the bed. motionless. staring at either the ceiling or the windows. she also suffered bouts of pneumonia and eventually had to be fed milk through a tube via her nose. she spend 2 plus years in the nursing home in this state. the frequency of visits by her children declined over time and eventually they hardly visited her. so everytime we visited her, her face would brighten up. and although she could not speak, we could see she was happy. that was perhaps the only highlight for her in her final months.
she went into critical condition after 2 plus years due to organ failure and was warded at ttsh (or was it sgh, i couldn't really recall). she went in and out of consciousness during her final days. and she was kept on life support. on the final day, we recieved a call from my cousin telling us she was critical and that she could go anytime. my mum and i rushed down. when we arrived, 2 of her 4 children had arrived. also, my 2nd, 3rd and 4th uncles and their wives were there too. we took turns to talk to her. she was in a semi-conscious state and we could sense she was holding on. we were pretty sure she was waiting for her last 2 children, and of cos my brother (whom she dotes on a lot). if i recall correctly, her 2nd youngest son arrived and managed to see her before she left. her youngest son was late and my brother did not turn up. it was difficult to see her holding on and on. her erratic breathing patterns seemed to indicate she was struggling in that final moments.
not wanting to congest the area around her bed, i waited outside the ward. her daughter, my mum and my aunts remained inside to talk to her (in fact i thought they were talking to each lamenting how my aunt had struggled la la la - and i don't think it is a good thing to say in front of someone dying). next thing i knew, her daughter screamed for me... xxx!!! xxx!!! my mum wants to talk to you! i rushed in and went up to her. she was motionless. i stroke her forehead, wiped her hair back as i usually did for her when i visited her at the nursing home. i kissed her forehead, smelled her hair and told her i was beside her. i asked what she wanted to tell me. she did not say anything. her eyes were slightly opened. sensing that she was still holding on, i whispered in her ears that she should not worry. i went on to tell her that her children have all grown up and despite all the family difference, they are all adults and that she should be happy that they can all take care of themselves. i told her she should not be worried and to go peacefully if she wants to.
that was when she closed her eyes and her heart stopped. it was very surreal. the life support machine when beeeeeeeeeeep. i was kinda shocked at that response. it was something that I could not imagine could happen to me. no one knww what i whispered to her. but the next thing i knew, my cousin and everyone around was wailing and screaming away. i held onto my mum shoulder and brought her out of the ward. everyone was crying like crazy by then. i teared but inside, i was happy that she had finally gone. it was regretable that the family dynamics was really bad at that time but as an outsider i could only observe. so, in a great great way, i was happy she left. she had suffered terribly when she was alive. as a single mum (her first husband did not treat her well. she left him in the end. the second left her for another) who toiled her life to bring up her 4 children, i was sure she was very sad to see her family turned out the way it did. i always felt very sad when i visited her.
as for my dad, he departed when all of us were having our dinner break. we all missed him by a minute. my brother was the one who found him lifeless and ran out to tell us. we rushed in and stood around him. i did not cry. my mother, brother and all others were very quiet. then my mum and sis started crying. i guessed i was able to let him go. i did not see my letting go as an unfilial act. i accepted his passing (as i did my aunt's) as a part of their journey. i guessed buddhism helped me manage their passing. in my dad's case, my aunt later consoled us that my dad decided to leave when we all were having our dinner and that he wanted to leave peacefully without a hoo-haah about his departure. accepting death and managing one's passing is something i have come to terms with and have been able to manage it well thus far. then again, i am not sure how i will manage my mum's passing (or for that matter, my dog sapphie) but i am sure i will be able to accept it as a fact and to be able to help them go in peace.
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