through facebooking, i learned about the importance of face-to-face communications. but regretfully, i learned my lessons at the expense of some friends. read on.
i had one experience where a friend deleted me from his list. i responded rather emotionally. to me, i felt so betrayed by his action as i had considered him a very good friend and we had shared many ups and downs over our 15 plus years of friendship. his action got me feeling so bloody uptight and betrayed that i told myself i wouldn't meet up with him nor contact him again. but after cooling down a little, i ask - "why did i feel so offended when he deleted me from his friend list?" i supposed a deeper friendship results in greater expectations. we tend to be more unforgiving to people we are closer to. ironic. so i sent him an sms telling him of my disappointment and anger. he explained that he had done a `housecleaning' and wanted to keep that particular account straight (for his straight friends). after hearing his response, i felt even more offended. i felt he had no trust in me to behave myself when and if i post anything in his account. he did not trust me after all these years.
but after some reflections when my anger had subsided, i also realized i had done the same housecleaning for my own account. in addition i had also, on the spur of the moment, deleted or blocked some of my friends out of some stupid little misunderstandings. and after doing so and regreting later, i was too embarrassed and proud to add them again. so, having experienced the whole thing from the other end, it got me thinking why i did not also consider the possible hurt/ misunderstandings it might have caused my friends? why did i not put myself in my friends shoes when i deleted their names in my friend list? i had not called them to tell them about it too when i did it too. and thinking deeper, i realized i had been too self-centric. why did i always think about things from the "i" perspective? why did i make assumptions that they deleted me due to personal issues with me? i had behaved in a very ris-low fashion. i had been a "it's about me! me! me!" person and i think it was really stupid and immature. while the "me me me" thinking is good from a confidence angle and driving self-development, such thinking is detrimental when it is applied in the context of inter-personal relations. the world does not revolve around me. i have to also think and see things from the other person's perspective when it comes to human-human relations.
also, it was his account and what he did with it was his prerogative. he did not need to explain the reasons to me. i had reacted so negatively becos i had assumed that he did it as he had some personal issues with me. it was fortunate that common sense prevailed and i eventually picked up the phone and clarified with him. my assumptions led me to almost lose a long time close friend. it was fortunate that we remain friends after the clarification. but for some others, there exists unsaid tensions between us and we are no longer on talking terms. in short, i had lost some friends as a result of some stupid little misunderstanding that was created by myself. what i learned out of this small episode was - suspend judgment. when in doubt, talk, clarify.
thinking through all these, i am even more convinced that communications and social networking tools (such as smses, facebook, emails, blogs, etc) can help but can never replace true blue human-to-human communications. human communication is so much more complex. smileys, emoticons, pokes, and what have yous cannot sufficiently bring ones emotions across. if anything, it added a layer of difficulty to the communication channel. now, we also need to second guess why a person pokes us, throw us a pie, throws us a punch, deletes us, go around the world with us la la la. and more often than not, when we get these signals, we assume things in our favour. and when we recieve something that seemed rather negative, we tend to want to believe we are being targeted unfairly or that we are being victimized. there are a lot of assumptions involved. these technological communication tools complicate matters even more. sighs. so... use technology if you must, but make sure you complement it with a good healthy dose of old-fashioned fundamentals of talking, of eye-to-eye contact, of face-to-face interactions. or no, let me re-phrase that, use old fashions communications as much as you can. then, complement it with technology.
what say you?
i had one experience where a friend deleted me from his list. i responded rather emotionally. to me, i felt so betrayed by his action as i had considered him a very good friend and we had shared many ups and downs over our 15 plus years of friendship. his action got me feeling so bloody uptight and betrayed that i told myself i wouldn't meet up with him nor contact him again. but after cooling down a little, i ask - "why did i feel so offended when he deleted me from his friend list?" i supposed a deeper friendship results in greater expectations. we tend to be more unforgiving to people we are closer to. ironic. so i sent him an sms telling him of my disappointment and anger. he explained that he had done a `housecleaning' and wanted to keep that particular account straight (for his straight friends). after hearing his response, i felt even more offended. i felt he had no trust in me to behave myself when and if i post anything in his account. he did not trust me after all these years.
but after some reflections when my anger had subsided, i also realized i had done the same housecleaning for my own account. in addition i had also, on the spur of the moment, deleted or blocked some of my friends out of some stupid little misunderstandings. and after doing so and regreting later, i was too embarrassed and proud to add them again. so, having experienced the whole thing from the other end, it got me thinking why i did not also consider the possible hurt/ misunderstandings it might have caused my friends? why did i not put myself in my friends shoes when i deleted their names in my friend list? i had not called them to tell them about it too when i did it too. and thinking deeper, i realized i had been too self-centric. why did i always think about things from the "i" perspective? why did i make assumptions that they deleted me due to personal issues with me? i had behaved in a very ris-low fashion. i had been a "it's about me! me! me!" person and i think it was really stupid and immature. while the "me me me" thinking is good from a confidence angle and driving self-development, such thinking is detrimental when it is applied in the context of inter-personal relations. the world does not revolve around me. i have to also think and see things from the other person's perspective when it comes to human-human relations.
also, it was his account and what he did with it was his prerogative. he did not need to explain the reasons to me. i had reacted so negatively becos i had assumed that he did it as he had some personal issues with me. it was fortunate that common sense prevailed and i eventually picked up the phone and clarified with him. my assumptions led me to almost lose a long time close friend. it was fortunate that we remain friends after the clarification. but for some others, there exists unsaid tensions between us and we are no longer on talking terms. in short, i had lost some friends as a result of some stupid little misunderstanding that was created by myself. what i learned out of this small episode was - suspend judgment. when in doubt, talk, clarify.
thinking through all these, i am even more convinced that communications and social networking tools (such as smses, facebook, emails, blogs, etc) can help but can never replace true blue human-to-human communications. human communication is so much more complex. smileys, emoticons, pokes, and what have yous cannot sufficiently bring ones emotions across. if anything, it added a layer of difficulty to the communication channel. now, we also need to second guess why a person pokes us, throw us a pie, throws us a punch, deletes us, go around the world with us la la la. and more often than not, when we get these signals, we assume things in our favour. and when we recieve something that seemed rather negative, we tend to want to believe we are being targeted unfairly or that we are being victimized. there are a lot of assumptions involved. these technological communication tools complicate matters even more. sighs. so... use technology if you must, but make sure you complement it with a good healthy dose of old-fashioned fundamentals of talking, of eye-to-eye contact, of face-to-face interactions. or no, let me re-phrase that, use old fashions communications as much as you can. then, complement it with technology.
what say you?
2 comments:
Thanks for this posting. Too much to say yet I don't know how to say.
It's not the mode of connection that makes the diff. Just ask yourself how often do you catch up with friends face to face.
Many a times we take our friends for granted. Not a call, not a line, meet up and gathering are even more remote.
Virtual connection makes it more convinient but with it comes expectation and false virtual closeness. So easily misunderstood.
Isn't it a pity to lose a friend over misunderstanding left unchecked?
yup. regretful. perhaps i should reconnect with friends whom i have stopped contacting... totally agree with your point about taking friends for granted. thanks for sharing.
:-)
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