merepek

well, that was the word mum used when she listened to me describe her behaviour to the mental institute doctor this morning. merepek is a malay word that means "nonsense". well, to be exact, she said "mengapek", the thing with peranakans is that our malay always sound a little off from the mainstream malay pronunciation... haha... and that is why malays have so much problem understanding us! ok, i have digressed.

you see, with her abnormal behaviour as a result of her anxiety over the last week plus, i brought the appointment date forward. i had wanted to go myself cos it would be easier to explain to the doctor without her around. but in the end, things developed such that she came along. and this was becos she refused to go to her rehab center again and wanting to stay at home to ensure i do not mix with bad people or bring them home. but when i told her i would be heading to the clinic, she asked why,  suddenly changed her tone and said she wanted to follow. i thought this was weird and asked what would she do if i was to attend an interview, she got frustrated and said what's wrong with following? i can still wait for you in the car... haha... that was how suspicious she was of me. heh!

anyway, through the whole morning, when at home, and in the car all the way until we entered the doctor's consultation room, she was adamant that i had been suspicious of her intentions towards me. she insisted that it was i, who had been mixing with bad people, la la la... yup, same old story, no further need to elaborate. added to that, she insisted that she is perfectly ok and that there is no more need to see any doctors at the hospital, at the clinics, go for any rehab, etc. i simply refused to entertain her responses and asked her to tell the doctor instead. ok ok, you'll see, i'll tell the doctor alrite, you just watch... she responded angrily. the doctor was surprised to see us as our appointment was supposed to be in mid-jan. but after i explained to him, he understood. during my explanation (in english of cos), she kept giving me that dirty look in her eyes and kept saying merepek. i supposed she couldn't really understand everything i said. of cos, i kept calm and at the end of my explanation, i asked her to speak to the doctor herself (since she said merepek, shall give her the opportunity to dispute what i have said [hah, i am very fair one]). she refused, and i continued to cajole her to do so. i supposed the doctor was superbly seasoned in having such patients for he played along with me... and soon enough, she blared out everything. haha... it was funny, cos everything that she said was exactly what i described to the doctor.

well, i asked the doctor how to deal with her given that she was insistent on following me, suspicious of me heading out of the house, and trying to prevent me from meeting my friends. should i avoid going out (as in give in to her) or should i continue (thereby desensitising her what she has been anxious about). and he said, well, just go on living you life as normally as you can. go out with your friends. we'll see how she respond to the new dosage of her medication. and he told her nicely, why you bother about who he goes out with and where he goes to? young people need to live their life and we older people should just be happy with what we have! as for you, you should be happy he is looking after you... and despite her vehement disagreement with the doctor about letting me live my life, we left it as it was. and yes, there you have it. it was really good to get such an endorsement in my thoughts about what i should do. all things being equal, it made me a little less guilty. 

and as edwin puts it, don't internalize it.

yup, go on and live my life. 

:-)