anxious mum

ok, here's the less than good part for the start of the year - mum.

she has gotten superbly anxious and i am not sure over what. perhaps it is the prolonged period of holidays from christmas through new year that her mind has gotten super active and super screwed up? i don't know. all i know is that by yesterday, she kept saying there are bad people in the house, that i go out with bad people, that i bring bad people home, and so on. and since a couple of days back, she did what she would usually do whenever she gets anxious, she started to do nothing but chant, avoid food and choose to eat plain porridge (if she eats). also, she would vow to be vegetarian and avoid meat... i supposed this is her way of managing her anxiety, believing that in doing so, she would get divine intervention.

yesterday, short of a better word, she was literally crazy. kept giving me evil looks from the side of her eyes and talked to me in raised voice. it made me rather angry. but i held my cool. i remembered what i reflected - she is a mental person who is no longer normal. if i were to get mad with mad people, i will be no different from being a mad person myself. anyway, by evening, she agreed to head out for dinner with me, but at the very very last minute, said no and wanted me to cook porridge for her instead. sighs. i did and after that, i left her alone and went out with bee for dinner. told my second sis about it and she came over. and from her, i later learned that mum also wanted to stop going to rehab so that she can stick to me like a leech. she believes it will stop me from going out to meeting evil people and also prevent bad people from coming to my house (she told my sis a malay auntie told her so). and as a reflection of her screwed up mind, she told my sis that my dad has told her he will be leaving her and that he is mixing with bad people... hmmm... anyway, after watching tv with her, i left her alone and went to bed. she did not sleep until midnight, choosing to continue watching tv. i supposed she want to keep me from going out with bad people. haha!

today, although she was supposed to start attending the rehab, she didn't go. i was not aware about it as i left early for my chiro treatment and to repair my phone. when i returned at about 2pm, i was shocked to find her at home and the very first thing she did was - she screamed at me and said i was with evil people. and she went on and on about how i know jolly well who she was referring to and what i wanted to do to her. hmmm. and given that she was alone at home, she did not have have any food since morning. needless to say, even when i offered to cook for her, she didn't want to eat. neither did she want me to buy her any food. well, frankly, it was very tiring. i reminded myself of my reflections and let her be. there is only so much i can do for her. i went to take an afternoon nap, and later went for a jog. i still need to go on living my life and not respond to her non-logical mind and behaviour.

right now, she is watching tv and seemed quite normal. well, we'll see. we'll see if she goes cranky tomorrow. i will also leave her to watch tv if she choose to later. i will just go sleep. i have managed to get an early appointment at the mental health institute tomorrow. will see what the doctor can say or if there should be any further adjustments to her medication.

and to be able to get an appointment tomorrow today, it is such a good surprise!

:-)

ps: i am aware that when she says i mix with bad people, she is referring to bee. but wth, with her being so convinced that he is out to kill her (despite all the pampering by him etc), it is useless to convince her otherwise. for that matter, she also saw my sis-in-law in the same light when she stayed with my brother. there is nothing i can do if she choose to think so right? as i said, she is a mental patient who has no logic, i cannot respond to non-logic but to manage her condition.