pantang

in 2 days time, we will enter the 7th lunar month. this is also known as the month of ghost for those chinese who believes in it. this the month where the gates of hell would open and the wondering spirits would break loose to roam on earth amongst the living. and this the month where you will be able to see many street side altar being set up to appease the wondering spirits so tat they do not create havoc for the living.

anyway, this is also the month where something major would happen to my dad... it's consistent thing for the past few years. whether you believe it or not, my dad has always experience some sort of major problem during the 7th lunar month, safe for last year where i paid extra attention to his well-being, diet, and so on. so let's see if anything happens this year...

hmmmmm...

support

my office knew that i am having some issues managing my dad's illness all along. and when they heard about my mum also being hospitalised, i think they got really concerned. so, yesterday, i got a surprise sms from my dy boss telling me to approach them if i need help. same sentiment was echoed by one or two other colleagues. and today, my boss's secretary called and told me that my boss has asked her to sent a hamper to my mum and dad.

rather surprised by this sudden responses. but nonetheless, appreciate their concerns. it is perhaps simple acts like keeps a person going. not the hamper per se. but the moral support. the thought that if i need help, i have someone whom i can turn to is a very powerful motivator in itself.

and this support, i must add, comes not only from my office, but from my friends. and i sincerely thank them for it. to my friends, (you know who you are), thanks.

not me

there are many things i did over the past two days that i have never done before. and i reckon i am behaving as such becos i have reached my threshold and that if i don't do it, i would either end up going insane or end up killing someone. now, let's see what i did...

• i cannot but label my brother `scumbag'... cannot find a better word to describe him. finally, all the things he has done behind our back is slowly coming out... no need to go into details. just enough to make me give him a label. and that in itself is something i have refrain from doing to people.

• i threatened to destroy my eldest sis's family if she insists on converting my dad again. enough is enough. despite all the pleading not to preach and try to convert my dad at a time when he is sick and confused... and to let him die peacefully, she has, yet again, asked her church people to come to the hospital to preach and to pray for him. come on, she has not seen how the old man fell to the floor and cry. how he kept saying he is being forced by her to convert despite him not wanting to do it. how he kept saying he wanted to be with his mother (my ah ma) and father (my ah gong) when he dies. and she has not even understood the length to which he had given instructions about how he wanted to be sent off... buddhist funeral, cremation, ashes to be kept at lim chu kang, etc. understand her good intentions, but if she wanted to do it, at least make sure he is coherent and of sound mind... not at this time of his life and confuse him... also, i don't agree with my brother-in-law that she's doing this because she is staunch. i'd rather think she is crazy. how could she possibly advise my parents not to take their medication and just pray. for according to her, by praying, they will be rid of all their illness (depression, cancer, kidney failure, etc etc etc)... wtf!
  

• spoke at length with my second sis and told her that it is really up to her now to let go of her past baggage caused by my dad. something we seldom talk about amongst our siblings. but something i wanted to share with her now. and to also tell her that once both my parents pass on, i will disappear from their lives.

• i now totally ignore my eldest sister. cannot accept how she now turn around to me and tell me that i only have myself to blame to come to this state of affairs in managing my finances, my house, etc. and that i can only blame myself and not them for their perceiving that i am a very very rich person because of my position and that i live in a condo. i cannot accept all these nonsense from her cos she has all along been the only one that i share all my tensions. and that i continue to live in a condo so that i can continue to provide quality living for both my parents. and have, considering all my siblings individual issues, taken the sole responsibility to provide for my parents, their medical bills, their daily needs, etc for her to now turn and bite me when i ask for support, i felt very betrayed. things like this changes a person. and for me, it kills a part of me and hardens me in a way nothing else could... well, apart from coming out.

discharged

got a surprise call from the hospital today. was told that my mum could be discharged. this the shortest hospitalisation i have experienced for her. apparently, they did some scan for her, took a total blood count, some other test, gave her lots of injections and concluded that she was not suffering from stroke and that the scan of her brain did not show anything to be concerned about.

and since she has stabilised and is feeling less giddy, she has been given the green light for discharge. so, happily, i went to pick her, visited my dad, and then brought her out for dinner and home. finally settled her down to her routine, briefed and packed her medications for her and then left home to discuss about the domestic help issue with my brother and brother-in-law.

mum's hospitalised

tis morning, mum complained of dizziness/ giddiness again... been doing so for the past 2 weeks... felt that this had gone on too long to be comfortable and decided to bring her to the a & e. might as well, since i had to go for my regular blood test. sgh decided to admit her in the end.

don't think i will be able to manage mum in sgh and dad in cgh and decided to transfer mum to cgh instead. so, after all the observation, injection, etc... i finally got her settled into cgh. left home at 8.30am and only managed to reach home at 3pm...

tired...

as she was under observation, i popped in to take a look at dad. showed him my convocation photo and he was happy. he then went into this self-talk where he mutter about how a phd holder can earn a lot of money every month and so on and so forth... if only life can be so linear and simple...

sighs...

annual vaccination

brought sapphie for her annual vaccination last evening. i was 4-months overdue.

as usual, she was petrified of the vet and she trembled (from head to tail) violently when we walked into the room. i had to hug her for the vet to inject her. she somehow has this fear of vets and needles. it was over very quickly. she weighs 18.5kg and to the vet, she is a little overweight. very soon, i will have to switch her diet from a normal adult diet to a mature dog diet. this will help to reduce her fat intake and keep her within healthy weight range.

and oh, while at the vet, i went through her records and realised that i have had her birth year wrongly reflected in her blog, dogbook, etc all along. she's born in 2000 instead of 1999... so yup, have just gone into all her urls to update them. and as of now, she's one year younger.

:-)

convocation

finally. attended the convocation today. Lk and bee was there. it was boring, as usual. then again, the thought of wearing the robe and parading up to receive the scroll, the 5 seconds of fame and the recognition of achievement motivated many of us post-graduates to attend.

the last time i attended a convocation was in 1991 when i graduated from my bachelor (honours) degree. 17 had passed. i shared with raymond and yazid two days back that this time round, the feel was very different, somewhat muted. and looking old (well, ok - looking mature) certainly dampened the feel of the event. you see, when i went to collect my certificate and my gown last month, there were many vendors that lined the auditorium. and they were rushing to the sweet young 20-something year olds to sign up for this, sign up for that etc. and then when i walked through them, none of them actually approach me! wtf! i should have felt very much offended.. but arh well, i guess i looked too mature to come across as a `to-be-graduate'. perhaps, i might have even come across as someone who had gone to collect the gown for his son or daughter! so, for that, the vendors were forgiven :-)

today's ceremony was no different from any other ceremonies i had attended before... get seated, stand to welcome the entrance of the provost, dean and academic staff, national anthem, speech, certificate presentation, national anthem and end. but two things stood up - there was a short performance by a yang qin and a sheng player; and the really really bad speech by the girl who delivered the valedictory speech.

it's a first for me to attend a ceremony where in the middle (when every one was either asleep or nearly dead) to be rudely awakened by a performance... :-) but the worst part of it all was the damned bloody lousy speech at the end of the presentation. not only was the content bad, she even delivered it in a slang that sounded neither chinese, english, american or any language i know... and to top it off, amidst her lousy speech that did not seemed coherent at times, she suddenly shouted out through the mike, asked all of us in the gallery to stand up, turn around and thank our parents... this little `order' put almost all of us post-graduates seated in front (more of half the graduates attending the convocation) in a fix - many of us did not invite our parents... it was funny cos suddenly half the audit did not know whether to stand or sit. and many were talking aloud - what parents? my (friends, husband, wife, kids...) are here... but well... in the end, we obliged. we all stood, turned back... and followed suit in the clapping. and before we can turn around, she said (in an almost inaudible voice now) thank you and went off the stage... we were all left standing not knowing wat to do!

could see all the tensions in the face of the post-graduates. it was bad. but in a way, i could also see the forgiving face of the post-graduates. it was after all, a phase of life that we had gone through. and for that, we smiled, took our seats again and the ceremony ended soon after...

solutioning

today, all of us (me and my siblings) met up with the social service co-ordinator to listen to her advise on the options possible for my dad. he is deemed sufficiently fit for discharge but with lots of qualifiers of additional care, etc etc etc. it was an excellent session. one that allowed each and everyone of us to understand the options, the cost involved and who's the best person to solve the issue. in a way, she facilitated the sharing and thru it, allayed our apprehensions of domestic helps, of nursing homes, and so on.

to me, the best part of this sharing was not so much about allowing the social service co-ordinator understand our dilemmas, but rather, it allowed us (especially me) to indirectly tell my siblings all the tensions and problems i had faced over the past years as the primary caregiver; and for me to make them understand how they had taken me for granted. also, it convinced my siblings that it is not at all a viable option to just assume that a domestic help would solve all the issues. there are also issues of ensuring the house is elderly-safe, costs, commitment, time... the co-ordinator stated very clearly that my dad cannot stay alone at home and that he needs someone who is fit and strong enough to be with him 24-hours a day. it was an interesting conversation that showed the colours of each and everyone. that is another story altogether. sad. disappointing. but i accept it as a fact of life.

by the end of the sharing, we all finally agreed that we should engage a nurse-trained domestic help and that we should house him in my brother's house because of the physical constraints of my house (such as toilet and bathing space too small, corridor too narrow). there is also a need to do minor modifications to my brother's house to make it elderly-safe. in the meantime, while we source for the domestic help, we will house him in a nursing home. we also agreed that we will split the cost of taking care of my dad... (altho i really do not know how this will unfold...)

once this option was presented to my dad, he cried. it took a little while to convince him that we really needed the time to settle the preparations and source for the domestic help and that we are not trying to get rid of him. in the end, he accepted. let's see how these new arrangements unfold. for a start, my mum was rather uneasy and is already thinking of packing up and staying with my brother...

touched

two of my nie coursemates (yazid and raymond) asked me out for dinner yesterday and took me to a thai massage. i did not realise but they had planned for it to be a treat to me for helping them in their module. but what touched my most was the fact that they (and sharifah - another coursemate) bought, signed and presented a thank you and congratulations card to me. apart from congratulating me for graduating, they also thanked me for my sharing during the course and wrote in the card that they had learned a lot from me. they also urged me to go for phd.

frankly, i had known about the dinner and the massage as raymond had mentioned it before. but what i was not prepared for was the card. simple gesture, but it told me i have made an impact on them. so much so that they went about getting it. and for me, one who is not used to receiving appreciations and thanks, i felt somewhat embarrassed. but yes, i am touch by their gesture.

unruly kid

two days ago at the hospital, there was a new patient in the ward. it was a super duper fat and obese teenager. when he was warded, he was put on `crib (complete rest in bed)' and `no food and drink'. this instruction was displayed on the head of his bed. when his mum arrived, and saw that instructions, she shouted out to the nurses and demanded an explanation as to why he is to be kept off food and drinks. she sounded very fierce and very unreasonable. when the nurses couldn't give an acceptable explanation, she shouted at the nurse and asked for the doctor. and she would run through all the reasons given by the doctors and gave her opinion as to whether their decision is `fair' or `not fair'. very haughty behaviour. i couldn't take it and left.

yesterday, when i visited my dad again, the mum was seated by the side of the bed playing some phone games. and the sound was echoing across the ward `tut tut... tut tut... tut tut... tieew, tieeeewwwwww....' ya,... some space craft shooting in some inter-galactica war... as for the son, he was lying with his shirt off and his blubber overflowing all over... hmmmm... ewwwwweee, and next thing i knew, the son shouted at the top of his voice `jessica!!! come!!! i want to talk to you'... dr jessica, who was walking pass some distance away, waved at him and air-whispered / mouthed that she was not able to talk to him as she needed to attend to other patients first. the mum looked up, smiled and said to the son, half shouting... `ah!!! ah!!! can you don't keep calling the doctor or not!!! they very busy one. cannot always come and talk to you'.

what happened next took the whole ward by surprise...

the son shouted back at the mum at the top of his voice - `why you bother? does it matter to you? if i want to talk to the doctor, i call! it does not involve you... so you should just shut up!!!' the mum stared at him, kept quiet and then she went back to her inter-galactic battle...

i was really beyond words...

old man crying

my dad has been crying quite a bit of late. i think he sensed the difficulties in the family. and the key issue that worries him is that we end up quarreling and fighting amongst us siblings.

when i visited him yesterday, i reminded him that this time round, when he goes home, he cannot insist on salty food, he cannot not drink water and that he must be careful of his diet. he said ok. then he cried again, and asked me not to quarrel with my brother when he dies. there is nothing i can say except that he should tell that to my brother. he nodded his head. he knows that i am not one to pick a fight or start a quarrel. and he repeated that he does not want to see us quarrel and fight in the family. and that if we do so, he shall not rest in peace.

i could sense his urgency to keep the family intact. but i am cock sure, that once my parents goes, we will all go our separate ways, or at least my brother will disappear from all our lives. no, i do not feel sad about it. just acknowledging it as a fact that will eventually unfold. a fact that was a result of favouritism and failure by my parents to discipline my brother when he strayed/ misbehave, and choosing to chide us for not giving in to the youngest.

well, of course, it is not a time to blame. rather, for my dad, it is time to come together, or at least to keep quiet, and let him spent the rest of his remaining time peacefully.

recovered - temporarily

once again, we have been asked to meet up with the doctor. he has advised us that looking at the progress of my dad, he would likely discharge my dad over the next couple of days. he also asked us to consider the post-discharge care for him given that he needs a lot more attention now. the doctor suggested some options including specially trained domestic helpers. we asked him about the various options available and he told us that apart from domestic help, other options such as nursing homes are available. whatever the case, he said that we need to consider how we can manage my dad after discharge.

shared with him my views and uncertainties about the options. for example, my thoughts had been that domestic help may not be the full solution as he needs more medical attention and care than just simply `domestic help', and that domestic help may not know how to manage him. but on the other hand, nursing homes may come with limitations of poor environment, and so on. he agreed and told us that he would recommend a social worker to talk to us so that we can be better informed of the options available for us.

when asked how long my dad has, he gave a very muted response that while he had earlier projected 1-2 years, he was not so sure now given the frequency of the admissions. he left it at that and advised that we should be careful about his condition and that we must make sure he drinks lots of water, avoid all salt at all cost and that he needs to eat, and to pass his motion at least twice a day. kinda tricky and difficult to achieve but we have to.

on a separate note, i could see how each and everyone in the family (especially my brother) has been trying to convince people around me about the domestic help. it is very interesting to see the politics at play currently. kinda sickening if you ask me, but it is happening. how one person who do not want to talk to the other try to influence people around him to sway decision making. interestingly, also, when i suggested that we should all pay for the domestic help, a quick response was - i got no money. how much more sad can such a situation be. very hypocritical if you ask me. but well, it happens i guess. and as i said, managing the sick is easier.

asleep

everything was ok when i went back to the hospital. old indian uncle who kept pulling off his pants finally got settled when the nurse gave him sarong instead. skinny indian uncle who kept walking about finally got strapped to the bed and his bed placed next to the nurse's station. as for my dad, he was sound asleep. he remained soundly asleep after an hour plus.

and when he opened his eyes, he told me i should `go to work' and that there is no need to stay. he then went back to sleep.

i came home after that.

tomorrow, my cousin from hong kong will visit him. i can bet my last dollar that she will cry. she's the typical mainlander type of person who would even cry when she sent us off at the airport... well... we'll see....

hospital environment

just came home from the hospital to settle my dog (ie, to bring her down to pee and poo)... well, was at the hospital this evening. it was a weird and sad place. people singing aloud in the middle of the night, nurses running around to tell patients to stop taking off their pants, nurses putting body restraint on patients who, despite being so weak, refused to lie in bed and walking all over the place... and so on.

anyway, my 2nd sis was there when i reached there earlier. my dad was in his usual complaining non-stop self. and sometimes he came across as incoherent. my 2nd sis told me about his condition and how she had asked the nurse to increase their patrols. and while talking, i find myself talking and relating my tensions and frustrations about everyone - about my aunt, about my eldest sis, about everyone literally. i did not come about as scolding my sis although i sounded angry. told her it was not targeted at her. told her i needed an outlet. she took it well i guess. all the while, my dad stared blankly at us. and then he started begging my sis to bring him to the toilet to wash his buttocks. of cos my sis couldn't. we approached the nurse who came and patiently changed his diapers for him. he quietened down after that. my sis advised me not to stay the night and that we should also balance our time and energy between ourselves, looking after my mum and him.

and after she left, i left my dad alone for a while. went to the rest area to read my book. and when i went back to my dad, he was mumbling to himself about how his children did not bother to visit him, how his children had left him alone and la la la... and when he saw me, he asked me to bring him to the toilet to wash his buttock. he complained that his buttock is smelly and that he wants to use hot water to wash it. he complained that he could smell the shit and urine... and that he felt sticky and so on. and when i told him i could not help, he went into a short tantrum, pulled his pants and his diapers and tore it in the process. i told him that there is nothing much i can do as he is simply too heavy. and to stop him from pestering again, i told him that if he wants to, he can feel free to go to the toilet himself. after knowing that i will not help him, he stopped pestering. i then told the nurse to check on him. she said that she had applied cream on his buttock to prevent any itch and infection as he had the habit of scratching himself and due to the scratching, his buttock has been bruised. seeing the torn diapers, they changed it again for him. he fell asleep soon after. once a while, he would open his eyes and tell me to go for my meal, saying that the foodcourt sells mee rebus, mee siam, hokkine mee... and so on. and he would doze off again. and ever so often, he would also open his eyes and complain that my sis(s) did not visit him (!!! goes to show how confused he was)!

i then took this opportunity to step out. will go back to check on him again and if all's well, i will come home to sleep for the night.

managing people

managing the living is more challenging than managing the sick or the dying.

of bowels & food

just returned from the hospital. visited my dad after doing some grocery shopping and as expected, my brother was there. dutifully, he followed my aunt's suggestion that at least one of us should stay with my dad through the night. and when i reached there, i could sense his frustrations with the whole state of affairs. my dad had been complaining and groaning through the whole evening. and he was very inconsistent in what he said. he kept saying he is very full and did not want any food. and that, he kept complaining that he wants to move his bowels, and the next thing, he said he has passed a lot out, and then, when asked if he wants to change his diapers, he would refuse. then he would complain that he wants to pass motion again. my brother was totally flustered and i could see his frustrations. and of cos, the din that was created resulted in the old indian uncle in the next bed complaining of noise. just hope that my brother do not end up fighting with the sick indian uncle. sighs...

and i was thinking - my dad has not had any solid food for at least 48 hrs. so, how could it be that he has so much bowels to move? and i concluded a few possibilities - firstly, he was confused and that becos over the past weeks, he had been told about the importance of moving his bowels, he has somewhat been `programmed'. thus, the need to want to pass motion is an instinct and not so much a need now. this was consistent with the observation that even when he was at home, he would spent hours in the toilet just waiting for his bowels to be cleared. secondly, becos of his bloated abdomen, it had exerted a significant amount of pressure on both his stomach as well as his intestines. this created a full-effect as well as the feeling of wanting to pass motion.

could see that he was uncomfortable and i guess that was to be expected given his bloated abdomen. not too sure what we can do. anyway, my brother will be staying with him tonite. will see how the situation develop tomorrow. i might have to do it tomorrow.

surprise

i had a surprise when i visited my dad at the hospital today with my mum. as i walked into the ward, i noticed from far that he had one of his leg resting on the bed frame. this took my by surprise cos i had not expected him to be strong enough to even lift his leg up. my next surprise was when i walked to his bed. he was conscious, and was able to recognise me and my mum. and the biggest surprise was that he was able to talk to us.

5 min later, my aunt and her family came along together with my brother. they was happy to see him in such a `healthy' state. my aunt's first comment was that this was probably his final burst (before he passes away). they chatted with him happily as though he had never been ill before. and all the while, my dad got weaker and weaker. and it was obvious that he was getting tired and slipping into a state of drowsiness again. during the short period when my aunt and her family went for lunch, my dad asked for each and everyone of the family members. and for each one of us, he left some words. during this period, he would slip into his drowsy unconscious state very frequently.

is this really the last burst? hmmm... i am not sure. but i can see he needs rest. i was not too happy with my aunt for some of the things she asked of us for i thought she had overstepped a bit of her boundary. but i think she did it with all good intentions. for example, when i suggested that we let him rest, she told me that i should not, and that we should keep talking to him cos if he sleeps, he might not wake up. hmmmm... come on, the old man is tired, he needs rest. and she went on to ask my dad, who was by that time, incoherent and drowsy, if he needs someone to stay by him through the nite... he nodded and she turned to me and told me that we (either my brother or myself) should stay with him through the nite. putting me in an ethical dilemma? to have him in the hospital is to me, to be able to balance between getting him the best medical attention and getting enough energy to manage normalcy in other things such as looking after my mum, work etc. so now that she has asked, i am now faced with the question - to stay or not to stay? what if he dies when we are not around? this is the same aunt that kept insisting that i should hire a maid to look after him despite telling her that it is not a maid but proper medical care that he needs.

can be quite a pain at times. but well, i guess it is with good intentions that all these suggestions came about. so for that, i kept quiet.

managing the last moments

at the hospital, my dad was in a state where he no longer recognizes people. he was awake, and moving and his eyes opening and closing. not unlike a person who is in a state between being asleep and awake. but he didn't seemed to know who is around him at all. spoke to kl about the options we have. he shared with me his experience with manging his his grandma and her eventual demise. and about managing the aftermath of whatever decision we take. it might be one of guilt, it might be one of relieve... whatever it is, i should not be deciding alone and that whatever the decision taken, the family has to agree to it in unison. this is the type of response i want. i am clear of the medical issues and the conditions. things are definitely not favourable. but i want someone who is able to share his views based on very human factors. someone who can speak objectively in medical terms and yet give a human touch to help me decide.

surrounding the bed were my siblings, my 3rd aunt (my dad's sis), my family friend, and so on. following my talk with kl, i called for the doctor who has been looking after my dad. gathered my family and asked the doctor to explain to us again the options we have. she broached the topic of either letting him be (and of cos making sure he is comfortable and continue to treat him with antibiotics) and the option of icu where he would be hooked onto life-support machines when his condition deteriorates further. she added that the icu option will however not improve his liver nor his kidneys and that given his current state, it could also be dangerous. it was then that everyone around agreed that we should leave him as he is and make him as comfortable as he is and that he is not in pain.

and at different time of the visit, everyone around were talking about his life. my brother talked about how he has managed to bring my dad out to eat what he likes, my aunt spoke about how my dad has touched their lives, and so on. this time round, compared to 7-8 years ago when my dad vomited blood and went into a coma, it seemed like everyone is able to accept that his time has arrived. the only one that is still clinging to hope was my second sis. despite the talk of letting him slip off, she still harbours hopes of a miracle. while she said she didn't want to play god, she came across as inconsistent at times. at one stage, she said we should sent him to icu and see if it can revive him, even if it is for 1-2 days. this way, he will be able to see his family members again. then she added that if after 1-2 days, he fail to revive, we could then consider pulling off the plug... contradicting. but well, i guess she is clinging to whatever hope left. she smsed me to tell me that she has not given up hope of a miracle. hmmmm... perhaps she has watched to much tv serial... or perhaps it is a result of her faith.

observing everyone's response, i can say that this time round, everyone is seeking their own closure and in a way, everyone is trying to manage themselves insofar as accepting the eventual departure of my dad.

what i find difficult to handle is the herd instinct - when one cries, everyone starts tearing. me too. and so what this happens, i will turn away and let everyone gain their composure before talking again.

my other worry is my mum. she is suffering from all the mobility problems and find it very difficult to visit my dad. what is more worrying is how will she be able to manage the eventual demise. yup, granted that she had spoken to my dad about it and is accepting of his departure, i can still foresee her being badly affected when he eventually leaves.

time is ticking. it may be a few hours, a few days but definitely not a few weeks.

final lap?

received a call from my mum that my dad had had a fall when i was in office at about 7.30pm last evening. she said following this fall, he vomited and that he could not get up anymore. i quickly packed up and on my way home, decided that i should evacuate him to the hospital. called the ambulance and decided to make my way to the hospital instead. he was found to be very drowsy when the ambulance arrived.

the doctor made some initial test and decided to ward him immediately. at the ward, he was semi-conscious and could not recognise me anymore. his saliva was flowing and he vomited again. the doctor tried to help him clear his bowels and following that, i was told his signs were stable and that i could go back to rest. that was close to 11.30pm.

this morning, got another call from the hospital that the family should decide how the hospital should proceed. apparently, his condition has worsen. his kidneys have apparently deteriorated a lot more since two weeks back and that his liver is now near total failure. the doctor told us that we could either leave him and let it be or that we could admit him into the intensive care unit where he could be put on life-sustaining machines. either way, the doctor said that given his multiple organ failure, we should prepare for the worst.

i knew at the moment that his time is almost up. called up my siblings (including my brother). we came to the agreement that whichever solution it is, he should not suffer so much and that if letting him slip away is the best and with the least suffering, we will do so. despite my level-headedness and sometimes frustrations of trying to manage matters thus far, i find my eyes red and choking. but well, the time will come. that is part of life.

as of now, we are making our way to the hospital.

this might be our last visit.

children's day song

interesting to note that there are many people who have visited my blog for the children's day song.

managed to find the song as sung in ndp 2006 and have pasted it here. listening to it, i must say that i don't like the new make over version. totally destroy the song. but i enjoy the back ground singers who kept to the tune of the original version (well, the version that i used to sing as a kid).

to eat or not to eat

one or two months ago, the doctor from cgh told me that my dad's kidneys are failing and that we should not give him any salt in his diet - read - no salt... not even low salt. that got us all worried cos without salt, things will be bland and will be a real challenge for my dad. and that is definitely not to way to spent your last days on earth. and some time later, the doctor at national cancer center told us that we should give him what he wants cos his time is almost up. and one week later, when my dad was hospitalised again, the doctor told us that we need not avoid salt altogether but should minimise salt intake to lessen the stress on his kidneys. well, all these instructions sound kinda conflicting but it all boils down to one common theme - avoid or lessen the salt content at all cost.

this of cos sounds easy. and so over the last couple of weeks, we've been used very little salty stuff in our cooking. we took great care to not add salt, or at most, just a wee little bit of soya sauce in his food. being a fussy eater, my dad had complained that the food is not nice and had asked for coffee shop food etc. we are literally caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. add a bit more salt, spoil his kidney, add less salt, he will not eat and hypoglycaemia will set-in very quickly. either way, it won't do. we are all at our wits ends. and my mum has resorted to giving him milo or cooking sweet potato porridge.

couple of days ago, he called me and asked my to buy hor fun for him. told him no. he cannot eat such food. yesterday, he called me at my office and asked me to buy popiah for him. again i told him no. while my refusal was based on the desire to minimize stress on his kidneys, i am somewhat disturbed by the fact that if i do not buy for him, i will probably be ridden with the guilt of not fulfilling a dying man's wish to eat what he wants when he dies in the very near future.

difficult. difficult. such a simple act, yet such dilemmas.

in the end, i relented and bought him a popiah today. but i controlled. got the popiah less chinese sausage and restricted his intake by giving him only 2 slices of it. is this too much salt? well, i do not know. but all i know is that i have tried to balance between giving him and restricting him. that is about the most i can do now.

surprised...

"hello, can i speak to mr xxx?"... "erm, mr xxx, it's regarding the interview you came for last week... well, we would like to offer you another post instead..."...

well, you get the gist. i am fundamentally surprised. so much so i didn't know what to do and just sat in my car for a short moment. dazed. i had applied for a short-term contract job. but i got an offer for a long term job.

issue is, the job sounds boring. so, now, it's a case of - should i listen to my heart or listen to my head? tensions between the heart and the mind... again. but well, i see it as a happy problem. some of my friends asked me to go for it. i've asked to speak with the management again to better understand the job scope before i decide if i should take it up...

:-)

convocation gown

collected (actually, i bought it to be exact) the convocation gown this afternoon. my third convocation in my life... first my bsc in 1990, then my bsc(hons) in 1991 and now my ma-idt in 2008. and i must say that the ma-idt gown looks a bit more elaborate, more folds, and the hood comes with more contrasting coloured stripes/ linings... looks grander certainly.

looking forward to the convocation proper on 26 jul.

:-)

interview

went for a job interview today. arranged kinda last minute as a result of a recommendation from a friend of mine. a panel of 3 ladies, or rather, 2 ladies (one of which is a super duper high flyer) and a note-taker. the interview lasted some 40min. and the questions were rather straight forward. the usual questions about my past experiences, convincing the panel why i am the best person for the job and so on. and it was a very pleasant interview too. a lot of laughter and conducted in a very no-stress manner. but underneath the laughter was the very serious agenda of sensing each other. for them, sensing my worth and for me, sensing my potential boss. and i must say, i believed i have created a good impression. and i have also got a very good impression of my potential boss.

the only thing that is in the way now is my term of service with my current employer. if my application to leave early is not approved (and that i have to serve till the end of the year), then the job goes to for there is a very high urgency to get this post filled as the incumbent is due to leave end of this month.

let's hope for the best.

out of hospital

received a call from the cgh doctor this morning. he told me that my dad had asked to be discharged. according to the doctor, while it would be good if he could stay in hospital, he is `ok enough' to be discharged. my mum was visibly upset that my dad has asked to be discharged cos she felt strongly that he should stay longer to recuperate. the doctor also he cautioned against a few things - stick to low salt diet, adjust the insulin level, constantly observe him - and if he complains of tummy ache, fail to pass motion, shows signs of hypoglycaemia, we have to immediately evacuate him to the hospital.

my gut feel... that will probably happen very soon. cos all these symptoms are those that my dad consistently experience...

it rained!

as i said, whenever i wash my car, it will rain.

and yes, damned it! it rained today!

of sanitary napkins & beakers

often i would get calls from friends asking science questions when they get caught not knowing the answers while giving their children tuition... this happened again this evening when i was walking about at parkway parade with bee. i got a call from lay pheng and the conversation went something like that:

lpheng: xxx, can i ask you a science question? i am giving my son science tuition and we got into this argument...

me: ok, go on...

lpheng: ok, ok... listen ah... there are 3 beakers. these beakers were covered with a piece of cover to which a fixed amount of water was poured. for the first beaker, the water stayed on the surface. for the second, the cover got soaked and altho it felt damp, it looked dry. for the last beaker, the water got soaked and the cover looked dry. but some of the water seeped thru the cover and could be seen in the beaker. now the question is - which of the cover is most absorbent?

me: of cos it's the second one la...

lpheng: why? why not the third? my son and i were arguing about it!

me: well, think about sanitary napkins... (thinking of cos of the whisper brand advertisement... freedom! ~~~ :-)

lpheng (momentarily dumbfounded...): ahhh... oh, ok... got it... thanks.

we hung up after that... sensing her dilemma with such an analogy, i quickly sent her an sms... `you can see the same principles being applied in the pampers (baby diapers) advertisement'

sure enough, she replied:`oh, ok, this one easier to explain'.

i smiled to myself and carried on my shopping.

car wash

went to shop for stove again. couldn't find it. went to best denki to check out the service hotline to call for my spoilt clothes dryer... will call tomorrow... and finally, went about washing my car. and it was weird cos often the little angel and devil in my head will go into this little debate about whether to spent on car wash or save that $5 and wash the car myself. and tonite, the little angel won. i ended up washing my car at my car park, saved the $5 and most importantly, got to also clean my car mats, wiped the interior as well as wipe the areas under the boot - yes, under the boot...

:-)

and i must say, the car looks very clean now. and i do add - smells clean too. but trust you me, if anything were to go by, tomorrow, it will sure rain... it always happen after i wash my car! never fail...

time

of late, i seemed to have a lot of work... a lot of personal family stuff to settle, yet a lot of time on my own... ya, i know it sounds kinda contradictory but well...

• there's a lot of work cos it is the time of the year where we have lots of exercises and assignments and that is where i got all bogged down with marking assignment and stuff...

• with what's happening in my family, it's rather understandable why i have a lot of personal family stuff...
  

• and a lot of time on my own... ok, this one is a bit tricky... firstly, i had finished my studies, so there is no more evening classes, then, if i am not required to stay late for work, i will be free to do what i want. cos of late, bee has been busy with his waffle stuff and would stay late late late daily at the shop if he is not attending nite school. this translates to extra time for me... time where i do not use to have.

but for now, given the current term i am managing, this extra time is still not felt so strongly. i reckon when the current term ends this coming week, i will begin to find myself with much more time. and that is where i think i will have to start planning my evening programmes. well, perhaps on the bright side, i will then be able to catch up with my own admin, catch up with friends for long overdue dinners, spent more time with family, and so on. time to rekindle old friendship and start making more re-connections.

:-)

gold medal

i wrote about a graduation interview sometime back. well, it was not really a graduation interview per se. actually, it was an interview for a medal to be awarded for overall best student for the graduating cohort for my masters programme. it was an interesting experience becos when i received the call, i was told that i was one of the many possible candidates earmarked to be the best student and that given the award is coated with gold and is quite expensive, the sponsor for the award (the singapore teacher's union) wanted to interview shortlisted candidates before deciding who they should award the medal to. well, i was kinda surprise cos to me, i had assumed that best student would be an easy process of looking at the overall grades attained.

nonetheless, i went for the interview. nothing to lose for me. in fact, if i did win, it would be a nice topping for me. not expecting anything at all and not even sure what i was in for. the interview itself was straight forward but i found it rather interesting. funny if i may add. the sponsor for the medal did not even know that i was not a teacher. he was even more surprised when i told him i did not attend formal teacher training. my own impression from the questions asked by the medal sponsor was that the eventual winner should preferably be a teacher and that he/ she should be able to contribute to the teacher's union. i walked out of the interview smiling at how this whole episode was managed, and rather tickled by how this whole thing was conducted. i asked - if they had wanted a teacher, why go through the process of shortlisting me? was the criteria not clear? why call it best student medal in the first place if it is not about (1) the results, and (2) meant for teachers? why not call it a award for moe-teachers attending the programme? or perhaps it's called this way due to some branding considerations :-)

anyway, two days ago, i received an email telling me that i was not successful for the medal (well, heh heh... no surprise actually). and ya, kinda cliche, but well, am still glad that i was shortlisted for such an award.

cleared of stuff

the last 8 boxes or so of james' things were finally cleared yesterday. james had earlier indicated he would be calling a mover to shift the things. and after ding donging for a while over a suitable time, we finally found last afternoon suitable for both sides.

i was at home clearing my email when heard someone called out to sapphie. and sapphie, in her usual response to familiar people, barked and ran around the house. it was james' dad. it took me a while to recognise him for i have not seen him since nov 05 (when i joined his family to celebrate james birthday at shangri-la). anyway, when he saw the stuff, he was caught off-guard for a moment. it was lucky that i was home for james' dad was not able to manage all the boxes. each weigh easily more than 20kg and rather heavy for the dad and the helper that came along. the helper was a lanky late 50s, 60 plus year old man who double up as the bus driver. i ended up helping them carry the boxes, one by one to the lift. and then from the lift to the bus. not easy due to the weight and the fact that i had sprained my back just hours earlier. we managed to do it in the end. we chatted as we carried. it was like talking to an old friend. we spoke of my dad, about james' mum, about old age, about arthritis, and so on. it was that old familiar feeling. kinda weird cos i had hardly interacted with his dad previously, but somehow, that half hour of interaction seemed rather warm.

when they left, the house again looked empty. but to me, it was more than that. it marked the finale and end of a chapter for me.

things afailing

do you sometimes go through periods where you experience all sorts of bad things happening? the kinda experience that you end up feeling frustrated, where everything that can possibly go wrong just go all wrong? the kinda experience that leaves you totally irritated and frustrated? well, i am experiencing that now... some of the things that irk me over the last few days include:

• aunties and family members who come to visit my mum and end up `inspecting' the house and giving suggestions as to where the maid should sleep, what the maid so do... la la la... i mean, wtf rite? i have not even agreed to hiring a maid! and everyone is talking about it as though hiring a maid can solve all problems! and to top things, everyone is giving suggestions as to how i should spent my money...

• sister that says hiring a maid is definitely a breeze for me cos being a person who occupies a senior position in my organisation, it is not possible that i do not have money... that i earn a lot a lot of money... and she went on to tell me that i should replace my kitchen stove, la la la... and when i tell her i may have financial difficulties, she started to ask where are all my savings, and went on to calculate my monthly expenses... never have i felt more intruded in my life.

and of course, the many small but irritating things that adds up to the overall stress level...

• car auto-lock that screws up all of a sudden yesterday

• house flooring tat starts to have `popping' sounds when you step on it... i think the marble flooring needs a change after 10 years

• kitchen stove that explodes (one single outlet)

• sofa that, after 5 year, begins to tear

• reclining chair in the living room that, also after 4-5 years, begins to tear

• clothes dryer that suddenly stop working

anyway, it just seemed like everything that can possibly screw up, is screwing up... and they are all screwing up altogether! and admittedly when things like these happen, i get irritable, and will start to pick of small things... and will them irritate me further... suddenly it seemed like my dog is shedding a lot more, suddenly it seemed like my car is more dirty than usual (and i really think so)... suddenly my room is more messy, my living room needs a sweep, my kitchen needs a wash, my bed needs new bedsheets, and the list goes on and on and on and....

arghhh!

becoming uncle

well, not an uncle as in nephew-uncle type of uncle, rather, i mean - uncle as in heartland ah chek-type... well, you see, i think i have come to the age where i began behaving like an uncle even without realizing it...

and i am saying this cos earlier on, after picking bee up and dinner, we decided to head towards best denki vivo. and bee started walking around looking at dvds and cds... and there i was, shopping and hunting for gas stove ala la germainia... i mean, how much more auntie can i get... looking around, everyone around me were looking at dvds, dvd players, sound blasters, la la la... and well, all of them were young, well, i mean, younger than me...

i really really think i have become very very uncle now...

hmmph!

facing death

earlier on, while lying in bed next to my mum, i asked her - do you feel afraid of death? do you feel scared seeing your siblings die, one by one? and do you feel afraid now that you are seeing death coming dad's way?... well, not exactly those words per se, but you get the idea.

and surprising, she replied that she's not. i took the opportunity to share with her how buddhist teachings advocate managing death. and i decided to push the limit and started to talk about managing my dad's eventual demise. surprisingly, she shared that my dad had spoken to her about it and that he had left some words about how we should manage his funeral. also, she told me that my brother will be arranging for the funeral. must say that i am rather relieved to hear her talk about it. i think she has come to accept the fact that he will not be with us much longer. told her not to `kek sim'... and to manage it as it comes. consoled her that my dad has had a good life and that he is fortunate to have lived this long after his last major operation in 2001.

i must admit that despite all the talk, i am myself worried about my mum. will she be lonely? will she be able to manage herself? there are just too many questions...

and for now, i have no answers...

job opening

a friend of mine recently asked if i was interested in a job (as his boss actually)... well, the job sounds really exciting and challenging and frankly i am not sure if i can heck it. but i think i'll give it a try. it's a one year contract but it comes with huge huge exposure in the mice sector. and given the urgency to fill the job, it might see me leaving my current job as early as sep/ oct. managed to rush thru a quick cv over the weekend and have been told that the directors would like to meet up with me. the interview has been arranged on next fri. let's see how things develop from there.

:-)

pneumonia

last evening, my dad felt cold and shivered non stop despite the heat and the humidity. felt something amiss. called kl and was advised to seek evaluation by medical experts. in the end, activated the ambulance and the cgh a & e doctors found that he has pneumonia.

he was eventually warded. and i guess it was the oxygen they gave that made him a bit confused. he was complaining away that the ambulance staff has stolen his wallet, that the ward nurses had ignored him for 5 hours and so on... well, of course these were not true for i had his wallet with me and that the nurses could not possibly have ignored him for 5 hours cos he had just been admitted. to make matter worst, he also wet the bed and made quite a din in the ward. this afternoon, when i visited him, he was again, complaining and cursing the doctors and nurses. my sis was there too and for a moment, i also noted my sis losing her patience with him. i guess his condition has somehow deteriorated and perhaps his delirium was due to the enriched oxygen gas that he was fixed with.

as for my mum, after her epidural yesterday, she has been feeling giddy and has been bedridden the whole of today. i had taken urgent leave to look after her and to settle my dad's admin at the hospital. managed to bring up the topic of death to my mum. and she was able to talk about it. this is something that i think i need to continue to engage her in so that when my dad passes away, it will not be too hard on her.

liver liver liver

dad visited the national cancer center and the doctor confirmed that he has cancer. however, his deterioration in his health was not due to cancer. instead, it was due to liver cirrhosis. and the doctor also added that given his age, it would be wise not to do anything. not to the liver, not to the cancer. that means, let it be and let it slowly eat the life away. accordingly, in not doing anything, it might just allow dad to at least live a couple of months peacefully and without pain.

3 months

my dad was muttering to himself yesterday. he said something like - well, doctor said i have only 3months left. and his voice tapered off after that. it didn't sound like he was scared, just resigned. and i wondered how i would react if i were in his shoes.

today, as i thought about what he said, it reminded me of a few things that i have come across many times in my life. one sentence stood out and that is - birth, old age, sickness, death, these are natural cycles of life and is not avoidable. so, rather than try to avoid them, we should accept them and manage them as they come. this sentence comes from the buddhist readings that i had gathered from the temple. and it also reminded me of another book i read that discusses about how one should prepare for or help one's loved one prepare for death. it is a book about dying. the book also describes the death process and the emotions and thoughts that one would probably experience as he / she undergo the process of dying.

despite knowing the few things that the book suggests, it is really not easy to implement some of the things in real life. but i do find one suggestion useful and that is - talk about it. don't avoid it. talking about it helps to remove the fear of dying. give the dying the assurance that things are in control and that if he or she dies, things will be well. guess this emotional assurance is probably what my dad needs now. and perhaps this is why he had reminded my brother not to quarrel with me when he dies. also, talking about it helps the people around the dying manage the process. it gives them the emotional outlet and helps them cope with the eventual loss.

sick

it's sickness festival at home.

• i have finally given in to stress and am now `officially' down with flu. fever, runny nose, cough, phlegm, headaches, you name it, i have it... and have just been given 2 days mc to rest at home. but well, considering the amount of marking i have to do, i'll probably spent my time doing marking instead.

• my dad is, even as i type this entry, undergoing a check up at the national cancer center. i am personally not optimistic about how things will go. looking at him deteriorate over the last couple of months is like seeing flowers wilt right in front of your very eyes. just 3 months back, he was able to go out of the house by himself. today, he can hardly stand. and he has to walk with a walking frame. and he walks slower than liang po po.

• my mum will undergo epidural injection tomorrow as part of the treatment to manage her pain. it's been getting worst over the last year and at times, she can hardly walk. much as i want to help her, there is absolutely nothing that i can do except to tell her to endure. and admittedly, sometimes, she'd complain so much it really gets to me. but i have refrained from showing any anger. need to understand her plight. no choice. have to manage.

i am beginning to appreciate how difficult it can be - both mentally as well as physically, to manage old people. it is perhaps something that most, if not all of us, has to go through at some point in our lives. and i think the process in managing older people itself, is a learning process and we invariably will come out more learned and perhaps more mature.

and in time to come, i will also age.

wisdom

had taken the phrase `with age, come wisdom' as the `truth' without asking too much about it. my doubts about this phrase started when james disagreed with it and that led to quite a lengthy debate about it. left me hanging and reflecting on it for quite a while. i had no answers and had left it as it was. after breaking up with james and learning lifes' lessons, i reframed it as `with experience comes wisdom'.

a recent exchange with friend led me to reframe the phrase to `wisdom comes from living'... for only through living life will the experience be acquired. knowledge acquired through books is nothing but just knowledge.

:-)

thinking of james

a friend (cannot recall if it was francis or dennis) recently asked me: "do you still think of james?..."

of course, i think of him. for that matter, i think of him almost everyday. to me, james was, and still is, a part of me and a part of my family. and it is not easy not to think of your family right? after spending 7 years together, it is impossible to just cut someone off. even if one wants to. for me, no matter what, he will always be there and he will always be a very dear person to me. that we are apart does not mean i do not think of him anymore. and thinking of james does not mean i love my bee bee any less too.

when he came to get his stuff from the house last weekend, it was a feeling of awkwardness for me where on one hand, i very much want to talk and chat with him, and for that matter, even give him a super super tight hug. i so very much wanted that. but on the other hand, i had to restrain myself cos of the presence of a self-imposed invisible wall. i mean, if i were to hug, how would he take to it, how would his bf take to it... etc... and things were moving based on some unsaid common understanding of each other's moves, thinking and so on. and i thought i sensed his momentary awkwardness in managing jack and me too. if so, it was natural and to be expected i guess.

i would have behaved similarly if bee was around.

i need rest

been a totally exhausting week, both mentally and physically. just completed conducting a major assignment for my students over the last two days and each day, it ended up coming home at past 12midnight. the mental worries about the systems, the process, the conduct, la la la coupled with all the additional worries about home, about my mum, my dad... etc really got to me.

have started coughing and loosing my voice. this is the clearest sign that my system is breaking down very soon. i need to really recuperate and rest over this weekend cos next two weeks will be another stressful one before the current term ends.

awake

it is coming to 1.30am... and i am still wide awake. physically and mentally i am really tired. but still, i am not able to sleep...

i am so gonna hate the feeling at 6.15am later...

and considering it is the start of a new school term, the traffic's gonna be one helluva kind! arghhh!

james & jack

finally had the chance to meet jack. i did not feel awkward when it came to meeting jack. but it did certainly make me a bit more conscious about how i should behave when it came to james. and the fact that i am james' ex must have made it somewhat awkward for him. anyway, i am glad i got to meet him.

anyway, james came along. looked at the humongous lot of stuff, sifted thru some of them. selected quite a few boxes and together with jack, carried them to the estate rubbish dump and threw them away. for a moment, i felt angry. angry that he threw away those stuff that i had preserved and kept for him. all the things that i had cleaned and maintained over time. well, granted some of them had turned mouldy, but... and there were some stuff like printers and cork-boards that he asked if i wanted. i told him to throw them away if he does not need them anymore. so in the end, they moved some of the stuff back, left 8 boxes for the movers to move and a few boxes of stuff to be discarded. took me a while to throw them away. they were heavy. but it was the weight in my heart that weighed me down when i carried them to the estate rubbish dump.

well, there were some stuff that james wanted to bring home... and jack asked - why? when will u ever use them?... instinctively, i wanted to react - hey, that's james' stuff and there are certain things that you cannot dictate.. esp things that we bought together... it's kinda weird, but that is the kinda feeling that i still get when i felt challenged. for that moment, i hated jack.

but haha, he is after all, james' bf now. he wouldn't know the history behind each of the object that had been packed. anyway, there is only so much i can say and there is only so much right i have as an ex. i have to let go. and yup, as dennis rightly said, it's kinda weird moving one's ex things out of the house. but in a way, it's liberating...

ps: there was one particular photo of james and i, taken when he graduated that i had wanted to keep but dare not ask. initially he wanted to throw it away, but in the end, he took the box home, saying that he wanted to sift thru the stuff... that is probably one of the very very few photos we ever take together as a couple...

storeroom

james' things have been kept in the storeroom over the past 3 years. the room has finally been cleared and they are all placed in the living room. reflecting, the storeroom had in fact been a place where i had stored all the memories and artifact of our 7-yr relationship. as i packed, each piece of stuff remind me of specific incident, specific time of the 7 year, of his face, his moods, etc...

everything just simply flashed by.

he will be collecting some of the stuff today. jack will be helping him. and i think he will probably throw away quite a bit of stuff and leave some of the boxes to be collected another day. there are just too many things to be moved.

my mum asked innocently this morning - how come only you are doing the packing? how come james did not come and help, since it is all his stuff...

well...

managing stress

i noticed that over the last two weeks, each and everyone of us in the family has been under some sort of stress over my dad's conditions. without making any judgments of them, i would say that each of us has managed it differently.

• my mum. she has been having sleepless nights just worrying about my dad. asked her if she was able to sleep well now that my dad is away in hospital, she replied that she had not been able to sleep worrying about his swollen leg, worrying about his liver cancer... putting myself in her shoes, i can understand her worries. it must have been difficult for her to manage the stress and accepting the eventuality that my dad's time will come soon.

• my sisters. they have been doing what they can by visiting my dad. there is really not much they can do. can sense that they are loosing their temper faster these days. certainly don't like to get into the situation where differences in opinions end up with tensions, just like the way my eldest sis had responded when i shared with her my concerns of hiring a maid. sighs...

• my (ex) bro. he has been visiting dad at the hospital daily to bathe him and to see him. he is the closest to my dad. i think he will probably be the hardest hit when my dad passes away. and i think i will have the greatest tensions with him when it comes to managing the funeral and stuff.

• me. personally, don't find it easy. sensing that everyone is assuming i am unfeeling about my dad's condition. seemed like my acceptance of his eventual demise as a natural development of things has been perceived as me not caring. and it gets more and more difficult to communicate with all of them.

guess we all have our own ways of managing stress. it's so difficult and i find myself treading a very fine line between communicating objectively and sounding uncaring when it comes to my own family members.

packing james' stuff

went to ikea to purchase packing boxes and spent the whole evening packing james' books, files and so on. filled the 8 huge boxes i purchased and it's still not enough to completely pack his stuff. plus all the other boxes that i had packed 2 years back, coupled with the clothes etc,... it came up to about 20 boxes. each about 30kg.

a lot i must say. but well, it's accumulated over 7 years.

felt rather down and glum as i went about packing. not a sense of catharsis. rather, it was a sense of lost. felt like i'm finally cutting off a part of me, for good. my mum sat by me, looking on as i packed. she did not utter a single word. she knew it was james' stuff. and somehow, i sensed she understood how i felt. for a moment, it felt like i was clearing stuff of someone who had left me for good, someone who had died. but i dare not say it out. lest she equates it to preparing for my dad's passing. well, i have to be sensitive during this period. and as i packed, i cried a silent tear.

and sapphie behaved weird too, she'd usually prance around as i do my housework. but this time round, she just sat there. glum-faced. and just stared at me as i move in and out, carrying box after box. she has this uncanny ability to sense my moods.

ah well... all good things must end. and this finally, would be the finale and closure of one chapter of my life.

graduate

received a letter today that stated that i have been formally conferred the masters of arts in instructional designs and technology wef 10 june 2008.

it's a nice little morale booster amidst all the stress these couple of weeks.

:-)

peaceful sleep

told my mum to sleep well last night. she has not been sleeping well and my dad's hospitalisation would allow her some uninterrupted sleep.

for me, i was hoping to sleep well too. but the sleep was interrupted by a series of dreams. there were several dreams in all. but i remembered one - in my dream, i was in a flat (not too sure which flat tho) and checking out on the clothes hanger outside - the prefabricated ones that is often seen outside those hdb public housing. and when i reach out to check how stable the hanger was, i fell out of the window and ended up hanging precariously on the hanger. i screamed for help. the flat was rather high up (5? 10 floors?). a fall would mean immediate death for me. the hanger was slippery and at one point, one of my hand slipped. and i could feel myself loosing grip. my mum was too weak to help me, much less to pull me in. and somehow my brother appear. he was initially unwilling to help but after sometime, he reached out with his hand. i grapped it and it was cold and lifeless. that was the time i woke up.

i fell asleep again... and the next thing i knew, something in me shook me up. it was daybreak and the room i woke up to was in shades of grey. being short sighted and not wearing my specs, everything was blur... and for that split second, i couldn't recognize my own room. and then i panicked. i shouldn't be still in bed. i should be at work... i wanted to get up. but it was one of those occasion when you wanted desperately to get up but your body just wouldn't listen... struggles... and then, something in me told me to relax and sleep cos it is the weekend...

arghhh... hate it when i experience such nites...

creating capacity

for a start, i have decided to create the capacity to manage eventualities.

firstly, need to find the space. after holding on for 3 years, i finally messaged james to clear the storeroomful of his stuff. never want to do this. but urgent time calls for emergency measures. don't feel good about it. and i hope he understands.

secondly, i need to find the solution to manage my dad when he returns from hospital - probably next week. if i cannot find a domestic help in time, i should at least teach my mum how to call for an ambulance if the need arises...

thirdly... i need to think through my financial options and how to source for the cash needed to support these new requirements.

fourthly, hmmm... still thinking... well, it helps to write. it helps to consolidate my thoughts. passing thought... how to find ways to sustain and to support my own mental state of affairs?...