diamonds again

did my x-ray and saw the urologist this afternoon. and from the the x-ray, it suggests presence of stones in both kidneys! i find this quite disturbing. but the consolation this time round was that the stones are a little smaller than the last occurrence. about 4.5mm compared to 5.5mm previously.

the urologist mentioned that for stones this size, they will naturally be discharged by the body in about 50-60% of cases. and for those that remained in the kidneys, further procedures including invasive ones such as an operation might have to be used to remove them.

so in my situation, the urologist advised me to adopt a wait and see approach. and in the meantime, drink lots of water and to try to get the stones to leave the body naturally. he has scheduled me for a ct scan in about 3 weeks time and if by then, the stones are still there, then we will need to talk further.

tsk tsk tsk...

medication

i am currently on the following medication - a cough mixture, a mixture/ emulsion to control my reflux and tablets to control my runny nose, my nasal back flow, stomach wind, gastric prevention, antibiotic, and a muscle relaxant... when i put them altogether, the number of tablets are quite similar to the number of tablets i give mum every morning!

heh...

forgetting my medication

i will be heading to the hospital later on to do a kidney x-ray and to see the urologist.  and to prepare myself for the x-ray, i was supposed to take some medication for 2 nights before the procedure itself. thing is, i forgot about it and only remembered to take it last night. let's hope the x-ray can proceed...

haiz...

71.0kg

that was what i weigh today. the machine flipped between 70.9 and 71.0 for a long while before stabilising at 71.0kg. hmmm, maybe if i had removed my bunch of keys and my clothes i would probably be about 70.5kg? anyway, i got it measured when i visited the mental health institute to collect some medication for my mum. then again, my weight had been oscillating between mid-71 to mid-74kg. but yeah, to be able to hit 71.0kg is by itself an achievement for me. let's see if i can reduce it to sub-70 in the days to come.

清明 2014

went to the columbarium with my brothers' family to pay respects to my dad and grandparents as part of 清明 2014 on sunday.

this years trip was a really difficult one for me. was not feeling well due to my cough and blocked nose and didn't get enough sleep the night before. and mum had been going non-stop about having to buy this and buy that for the prayers since friday. but that is my mum. she gets superbly anxious when it comes to going temples and columbarium. and that was how she behaved when i took her to the market sunday morning. she was going over the shopping list in her mind. you need to get joss sticks, joss papers, a box of offerings, and huat kueh, and oranges, and... she went on and on and on non-stop despite me telling her that my brother had gotten everything needed. even then, she insisted that i should get some of the items cos the offering was from me and not my brother.

i came home from breakfast feeling drained and uncomfortable and collapsed into my bed. it was about 1pm before i finally dragged myself up and head to my brother's place. we finally went to pay our respects in the evening around 6pm. by then, the place was quiet and most families had left. i always find visiting the cemetery in the evening around dusk to be very therapeutic. it was peaceful and quiet. i remembered once before where i went to the cemetery at night just to relax and calm myself down. that was a long time back, most of the tombstones at the cemetery had been removed and the bodies exhumed.

and that was how we observed 清明 2014.

mc

second day of my mc and am having my breakfast at the hawker center.

mind was disturbed and didn't sleep well. tossed and turned through the night in part due to frequent bouts of violent cough, and made worst by my restless arms. it was almost impossible to fall asleep.

woke up this morning, still feeling pissed off. need to remind myself to look at things from the positive angle and that things will improve going ahead.

frustrating

i get superbly frustrated with mum very often these days. you see, i am a person who needs my exercise and whenever i don't exercise, i will get lethargic and once that sets in, my health will go downhill. that had been the case since her paranoid behaviour got worst. 

as a routine, i would head out for some exercise after the evening tv series when she retires to bed. but these days, whenever i mentioned about going for a run, she would refuse to head to bed. she will insist on watching the tv until i return. and i cannot afford to let her do that cos whenever she sleeps late, i will get all sorts of emo tantrums the following day. so, to a large extend, i decided against running out of my own interest. need to preserve her sanity, and mine too.

i akin this to a difficult choice between the devil and the deep blue sea. if i head out for my exercise, i get hell the next day, and if i don't, i will fall sick. and i dare say my recent non-stop sickness was in part due to her refusal to sleep. regardless of options, i will end up suffering. how?

hmmm...

foul mood

been in foul mood over the past couple of days. everything seemed to be heading the wrong way. also, i had been rather impatient with people around me too. i had to restrain myself from snapping at mum whenever she repeats the same reminders and comments. it wasn't easy at all. and amidst all these, my stupid nose was constantly choked with mucus, and my throat was constantly irritable due to back flow and a couple of times, reflux. and becos of my irritable throat, i coughed almost non-stop and the cough was violent to the point where my chest hurt like crazy. 

i went to office this morning feeling a little groggy given my lack of sleep and proper rest. i had to conduct a briefing to my china office staff and i told myself i would be ok once the briefing starts. but that was not the case. i lost my voice towards the end of my briefing. and my cough worsened by mid-day. that was when i decided to pay the doctor a second visit. this time round, i was told to rest and was given 2 days of mc. but i could not head home as i didn't want mum to get suspicious. and so i headed to the pool to waste some time before heading to town for my chiro appointment. well, that ended early too and i ended up driving around aimlessly until about 5-plus before heading home.

that was my very uneventful, aimless and rather frustrating day.

going mad

i was on the verge of depression and was beginning to harbour suicidal thoughts.

disappeared

he has once again disappeared.

and now, he refused to tell me where he has gone to except that he is organising an event overseas and that he needed the money. and then i got a message telling me he was at the airport and that was it. he remains uncontactable and despite messaging him and calling him, there was no reply. the phone remains switched off. the anxiety is killing me.

superficially, i can simply accept what he said, about going overseas to organise an event. but that cannot be the reasons for hiding details of where he is, when will he be back, and for that matter, does not justify for the switching off of the phone and remaining uncontactable. and i am so tired to trying to justify for him why he was not contactable. have been having sleepless nights. hope he is safe. at this rate of things, and with my current state of health, i will go crazy. i need to keep myself sane. have decided to stop contacting him anymore. will talk when he is ready. 

wtf...

bad habits

i have a very bad habit.

i fall sick on friday evenings and get well by sundays.

picture from www.foodsafetynews.com

"anniversary"

read the online channelnewsasia (cna) and felt very disturbed to see them use the phrase "one-month anniversary".  how could a reputable regional news agency commit such a glaring mistake? anyway, i was perturbed enough to write in to the editor. thankfully (and professionally), they corrected it within a few minutes after i wrote in. i supposed their writer is also a young person who is careless with her english. but then again, this is no excuse for bad english.

happiness

was reading the papers on monday morning and came across this article. if what was written in the article is true, then i will be getting happier as time passes. 

heh...

dreams

have had two mum-related weird dreams over the week. i cannot really remember the second dream except that conceptually it was similar. here's how the first dream went.

i was sleeping...

and i heard someone (cannot recall if it was a female or a male's voice) telling me "mum cannot wake up". there was a slight hint of panic in the person's voice. i got out of bed and walked over to mum and tried waking her up. she was non-responsive.

and i woke up.

running a fever

think i've gotten the bug from my nephew.

having a bad throat, lost my voice yesterday, took a day's mc and am feverish today.

just taken lots of pills and cough mixture. gonna sleep early.

if only...

haiz, never mind.

it's the weekend.

spoiling the market

went to the marine terrace hawker center and ordered a bowl of noodle for breakfast. took my seat and the noodle was served in no time. i gave the guy a s$50 note as i did not have any small notes and he quickly came back with my change. just as he handed me the change, an elderly lady came up to me and asked if i could buy her a bowl of noodles. for that very short moment, i didn't know how to respond. i didn't know if she was referring to my bowl of noodles or if she wanted to buy a bowl of noodle but didn't have the means. i got my answer very quickly when her open palms reached out to me.

local sub-cultures

an aimless rant.

singapore is a very small island city state. we are about 700sqkm, smaller than most counties in the states and we have close to 6million people on the island. given such a small space (hence high density), one would have expected a good and evenly spread of race and hence a more homogenous "singaporean culture" right? but in reality, this is not the case. the island state has distinctly different sub-culture all over the island and this could probably be attributed to our early history where people of different races congregated at different areas.

for example, in the east around the marine parade-siglap area, historically, there were more peranakan and till today, the whole atmosphere here remains very peranakan-centric. and just a few kilometers away, we have geylang serai-eunos area that is distinctly malay as the area hosted many malay kampongs and were home to many local malays years ago. and as we move around the island, we can see, feel and hear distinct differences in sub-cultures...

the governments' efforts to create a more homogenous spread of race through its race distribution in public housing policies seemed to have minimal impact on this. but will this slowly erode in the coming years as the full impact of the different policies (education, language, population spread, etc) that was implemented in the 80s through the 90s come into effect?

it would be a terrible thing if we lose this altogether cos our national identity is build on these local sub-cultures and once they go...

aunties @ hawker center

had my breakfast at the marine parade hawker center, the place where i spend most of my childhood/ early adult life. and at 8am in the morning, the place was filled with aunties chatting away. it was a really warm and nostalgic experience for me.

seated on my table were 2 aunties, both probably in their 70s. one of them a nonya (straits-born chinese, just like my mum) and the other, a chinese. what was really interesting, apart from the conversation that revolved around the daily mundane topics of marketing, what's nice at the hawker center, etc, was the fact that one spoke in chinese-accented malay and the other peranakan malay mixed with malay-accented hokkien (a chinese dialect).

and as they chatted, their friends walked by, greetings were exchanged and little gossips made. it felt so warm to hear the mishmash of different accents coming together. it really reminded me of my younger days.

i decided to take my time to eat my bowl of noodles as a savour in the whole atmosphere of local culture, something that we will be losing very soon as the younger generation generally converse in english now.

blaming others

brought mum to the hospital for her check-up two days ago. in front of me sat two strangers - a lady in her late-50s and a guy who was probably in his mid-40s. the guy has just finished the consultation and was waiting for the nurse to pass some documents to him. the lady then started a conversation with the guy and they spoke loudly...

racial harmony

had been visiting my nephew at the hospital and it was interesting.

in the ward, there are 3 kids - one chinese (my nephew), one malay and one indian. and judging by their accent, despite the use of their respective ethnic language, i conclude they are singaporeans. and interestingly, the families were was using their own language and singing their own cultural songs/ lullabies (less me as i was "rock-a-by-baby"ing and "row-row-row-your-boat"ing away) and all were happily chatting away. and once a while, glances across the beds were made and nods were exchanged. but all were oblivious of the uniqueness of what was happening - harmony amidst race diversity.

things that we take for granted.

but that's singapore for me!

coming out to vic

and i finally came out to vic yesterday.

about facebook

with the explosion of friend requests coming in, some thoughts came to mind...

hasn't facebook devalue the whole concept of "friend"? i mean, when i was younger (a lot younger), it was quite fashionable to categorise people into acquaintances, friends, close friends, etc... and often, such conversation would become very heated as different people had different ways of categorising people. but these days, with facebook, all these different categories became irrelevant. every other person can request to be your "friend". 

of cos we can take this whole friend-thing superficially. but on the other hand, it totally puts some relationships (or at least, the words we used to frame the relationship) upside wrong, and inside out. for example, we can have our parents, siblings, spouse etc as "friends" now. and we need to friend them before we can categorise them as "father", "mother", "brother", "sister", etc. how much more wrong can that be?

i am rattling again...

hahaha...

facebook friends

i have been getting lots of facebook friend requests lately. just last week, i had close to 20 such requests and all of them were/ are from the military. hmmm... frankly, i had deleted my previous account in part, becos i wanted to cut off everything about the military from me. and i had been successful with my current facebook account until lately. i had set the visibility of my account to "friends of friends" and guess the account have come to a tipping point where my profile would appear frequently in many of my ex-colleagues due to the number of common friends we have. and at the rate the friend requests are coming in, i think my current profile might just become another account where i want to avoid... again...

haha...

wind rising

went to watch the show "wind rising" last night with bee. i went in on a wrong footing for i did not expect to watch a serious show. admittedly, i walked in half-expecting something more light-hearted and to the likes of spirited away or ponyo and walked out feeling very drained and disappointed. the show was too heavy for me. and it didn't help that i had had a bad headache the whole evening and didn't sleep well the night before.

but of cos, when i said i didn't enjoy the show, it was not so much because the show was bad. conversely, the whole production and animation was really beautifully done and i was wowed by many scenes. there were also occasions where i was reminded of tokyo's history, and it was interesting to watch the story of pre-ww ii tokyo unfolding, and told from the perspective of a japanese aeronautical engineer. so... yeah, the show deserves all the nominations and awards it won and the reputation of being the highest grossing film in japan in 2013. two thumbs up to hayao miyazaki.

:-)

suspicious mum

mum had displayed typical behaviour consistent with that of a person with anxiety, and paranoia. 

last evening, i told her i will be heading off for a midnight movie and left the house after she retired to bed. the movie ended at 2.20am and i arrived home at 2.45am to find her sitting in the living room sofa waiting for me. once i entered the house, she demanded to know why i came home so late, to which i explained that the show ended at 2-plus. next thing i knew, she said something to the likes of "don't bluff me, since when midnight shows end so late..." she never finished the sentence, but i could only guess it would end like "who were you with and where did you go to?" i didn't try to sound defensive but simply explain to her again that the show ended late and left her by herself as i retired to bed.

i half-expected her to be in her moods this morning and did not sleep well. i woke up this morning at about 7am and upon checking my phone, i saw 7 missed calls from her. the first call was at 4.07am and the last call at 5.38am. i jumped out of bed and rushed to the living room, just to find her watching tv quietly with the maid. the poor maid, who had kept awake with mum looked like a zombie! hahah... ok, that's beside the point... mum was watching tv quietly and when she saw me, she didn't say anything. i simply walked up to her and asked if there's anything she wanted as she had called my 7 times. she expressed surprise with the missed calls and said it was probably due to her sitting onto her phone. well, i didn't pursue further... i simply sat beside her chatted with her just like nothing had happened at all.  

thinking about it, if things continue at this rate, there is no way i could get to go out at all very soon! but let's see how la... that is how things have been. and as i have mentioned before, i have always been living on tenterhooks these days. 

it's sunday, and it's supposed to be a rest day!

cheerful mum

mum was very cheerful last two days. she was even ok when i told her my nephew was hospitalised. but of cos, i didn't tell her the extent of the illness and simply told her that he has had fever. and as to be expected, the "i-told-you-so" and "i-know-best" responses came fast and quick.

see lah! i told the mother (my sis-in-law) that she must give him a lot of water. i am sure she did not. that's why he got fever. growing children must drink lots of water and i know best cos i brought all of you up.

aiyah... little kids will definitely have fever especially when they are teething. for the little boy, i am sure it is becos his molar teeth are breaking out. his mother should have given him lots of water. for this kinda cases, why need to send to hospital? just give him water and he should be ok.

how come must hospitalise for fever? when you were young, i never need to do so. even when your father didn't help me, i was able to bring up you and your siblings... nowadays, with only 2 kids, she cannot even manage...

yup, that was the kind of responses of my mum. i just let her go on and on and on about it. if there is one thing i have learned, it was - never retort an elderly, or for that matter, point out that they are wrong, even if they are. it is always better to use questioning techniques to guide them and to slowly make them realise their own mistakes.

so... my mum continued her cheerful self through the whole of the last two days.

sick nephew

friday afternoon, i decided to take the afternoon off and self-indulge a little. i made an appointment for a facial at 3pm and decided to go for a short tan at the pool during lunch. and as to be expected, there were many tanners when i arrived. most were regulars but there were a couple of new faces. and despite the distance between the "newbies" and the more regular tanners, i could sense the tensions that resulted from roving eyes. haha... but that was not the focus of this post. i had just gotten myself comfortable into my tanning deck with a text came in. 

restful week

this week had been a very restful week. 

technically, i worked only 1.5days this week while the rest of the week was either spend on leave, going for medical appointments and/ or discussions. but of cos, this was not inclusive of the many hours that i spend doing my work at home. and i was not the only one who felt this way. interestingly, when i arrived in office on monday, it felt kinda weird. even my staff felt so. and we realised we had both been away from our cubicle for so long that we almost forgot how it felt to be sitting in the cubicle again.

funny right? haha... i had this funny comment from my department colleague who said it had been a long long while since my staff and i could properly sit down for lunch with them! and for that matter, even some of my colleagues from the other departments came over to me and asked me where had i been for the recent past! heh heh... been a while. and certainly, this week was indeed restful and a good time for me to catch up with myself. and reflecting, feb and mar was probably two of the most hectic months in recent memory.

i am glad i made it!

:-)

my interesting boss

i always thought my boss was a really wonderful person. not only did she give me total flexibility to do what i needed to do but she also made it a point to give me the prerogative to manage my priorities between home and work without the need to consult her. but of cos, to have someone so nice seemed a little unnatural and i secretly maintain my reservations about her. nonetheless, what happened today totally took me a little off guard. and i really wonder what she was trying to tell me...

"i am gay"

received a text from an unknown number yesterday and thought it was a wrongly send text. but no, it turned out to be from someone whom i had known since 1994.

he was a national service soldier (either private or lance corporal) in my unit and i was a regular servicemen (a major). but we got along very well off work and kept in contact even after he left service (and i had left the unit) to attend my staff college. we continued the friendship and he was comfortable enough to invite me to his place quite a few times.

our friendship lasted more than a decade although we spoke less in later years and i lost contact with him after i changed my phone some years back. so you could imagine how very pleasantly surprised i was to get the message. and we spoke like we've never lost contact. he now has 3 kids and is in his second marriage. and this was roughly how the conversation started once the clarification of identity was done...

have i ever told you i am gay?

i know it all along and i am cool with it. i have many gay friends too.

well, with that squared off, the whole conversation became very easy cos gay man like me tend to be more relax and at times flirt a little with straight man. but of cos, it was a light-hearted conversation and it felt really good to be able to just talk like good friends and tease each other without fear of homophobia.

it's nice to reconnect again!

:-)

on leave

taken leave these two days to attend to my medical issues as well as to have some "me"-time. 

and suddenly, i feel kinda lost. haha... guess i've been so caught up with work and mum in recent months/ years that i have kinda lost touch with other things. or perhaps, i have been so detached from what most people would frame as "exciting" or "interesting" that i no longer find them so. is this what buddhists framed as "non-attachment" or is this a total lost in interest? well, that answer is perhaps only known to me, if i take the effort to look inwards. whatever the case, doing nothing and perhaps going to the pool to just chill would also be considered a good way to catch up with myself. i am sure it would do good to me psychologically/ mentally. 

and despite taking leave, i still observe the routines of leaving home at 7.30am as per normal work days. and on the same token, i would return home at 6-6.30pm. i certainly don't want mum to get anxious over this little change in routines. there was once when i took leave and told her about it in the morning, she decided against heading to the rehab center. i learned from my sis later that she did so becos she was convinced i took leave to meet bad people. no logic but to a person with paranoia, i can understand. logistics-wise, i do pack some off-work attire (pt attire, casual, etc) in my bag when i leave home. and of cos, i will change back to my work attire before i return home in the evening.

hmmm, sounds like superman huh? 

haha!

nasal cavity scope

i had my nasal cavity scope done this morning. 

frankly, i didn't expect to do it so soon. i thought the appointment was to see the ent specialist, but next thing i knew, i was called into a room that looked like a dentist's consultation room. was made to sit on a chair and the doctor asked me about my family's medical history...

any member of your family has cancer?  yup, my dad

where was the cancer? liver

any of your family has asthma? yes, my brother, and i

and so on...

and then he explained to me what he would be doing. frankly, i was familiar with it cos i had my nasal cavity scope done some 5-6 years back when i was about to leave service. next thing i knew, he sprayed some numbing agent into my nostril. i felt it enter my nasal cavity and ewww, it tasted bitter. and then he did the scope. i didn't want to watch him do it and closed my eyes throughout the procedure. heh heh... this was such a contrast to the last time i did cos i was curious and observe the doctor through the whole process. thinking about it, i realised as i get older, i tend to be a little more apprehensive about medical treatments...

anyway, the procedure was over in no time and he told me there was no growth nor anything that would suggest nose cancer. nonetheless, he would still need me to go through a skin allergy test in a months time... and with this, he issued me a day's rest at home and i left the clinic. i was glad for the mc cos i sneezed quite a bit and my nose was superbly runny for a long while after that. 

it was an interesting day.

blood again

thought it is useful to document the number of times i experience blood in my urine so that i can have a good idea of the number of occasions it happened when i go to the hospital mid-apr. and so, am gonna use this blog to capture and record the instances of bloodied urine. and if you are uncomfortable with it, please read no more... :-)

it happened this afternoon. felt my lower back aching quite badly. and then about 4-ish, it happened. and it continued a couple of times until about 7pm when it cleared. well, that seemed to be the pattern - backache followed by bloodied urine. this is the 4-5 times since mid-mar, first occasion, if i recall correctly, was 18 mar 14. and it occurred in the hotel on the eve of my training in china.

no cancer

just done my nasal cavity scope at the hospital.

confirmed now growth/ cancer. been asked to continue to administer my nasal spray, rest my throat and to take medication to control possible reflux. have been scheduled for allergy test next month.

one issue cleared for now. next, my kidney/ urology issue.

:-)

hastened appointment

called the hospital appointment centre and got the urology appointment (that was scheduled end-jun 14) brought forward to mid-apr 14, that is, 2 weeks' time. the doctor also advised that should the condition worsen further during this period, i should pay a visit to the a&e straight away.

:-)

bright red

i went for a jog earlier. been a while since i jogged. and perhaps it is due to the jogging and the constant "shaking" of my body, for when i returned home and pee, my urine is the colour of my blood.

now, this is a little scary... i think i should see a doctor soon and not wait until my appointment in jun 14. or perhaps, i should ask for an earlier date.

hmmm...

anniversary

1st april is the anniversary of my new job. it's been an intense one-year for me. systems are largely in place and things are running. this new year for me will be to stabilise what i have put in place and to undertake new projects in other new areas...

:-)

happy & chatty mum

yesterday, she behaved like as though the whole world was against her. and today, it seemed like nothing happened. and she was chatty and happy throughout the evening. she ate all the things i cooked for her and we went to the airport to walk about and she enjoyed herself. she even asked for other snacks to eat along the way. and many a times, she giggled over the smallest comment...

what a contrast. but this is the kind of mood swings i think i will be getting more of in the near future. just have to manage. and meantime, just enjoy the times when she's lucid and happy.

hostile mum

she was totally hostile to me today. and i was not even sure why...

then again, there was no requirement to know any reasons. she is not a normal person and thus, it was probably reasonable to say that it would be futile to try to make any logic out of her behaviour. all i could do was to talk to her nicely and asked if she was hungry, whether she wanted any food and/ or drinks. but whenever i asked, she would simply snap at me. and she would also say things like i did not tell anything to anyone. not my brothers, nor my sisters, and i am not telling you anything too! well, the words did not make any sense to me. and so i simply ignored her and just stayed by her side, quietly watching tv, as she pouted her day away. it was interesting to note that she only behaved this way to me and not to any of my siblings.

anyway, i did take my own little break in the afternoon as i retired to my room and took a long nap. woke up and she was the same grouchy person. grouchier, for that matter. the same routines of asking if she wanted food, or water, or simply to head out for a walk were repeated and each time, she would simply also routinely snap at me. admittedly, i almost lost my cool a couple of times but i managed to hold back. by about 9.45pm, she walked to the kitchen and took a couple of biscuits to eat. i guessed she felt hungry by then, but as stubborn as she was, she rejected my offer to cook something light for her. i have since given her her medication and she had retired. and as usual, she slept on the sofa in the living room.

let's see if she wakes up tomorrow a little more stabilised.

emo mum again

mum has been angry with me since i woke up this morning. and i am not sure of the reason. she has been pulling a long face, talking to me like as though i had offended her big time, refusing food, refusing to go out, etc. and i could only suspect it was becos i went out for a show last night.

anyway, i will just let her be. then again, it is very emotionally draining to have to come to term with such situations almost on an alternate day basis. always on tenterhooks. just yesterday, she was very lively and happy. and today, she is totally opposite.

perhaps it is a good time for me to just relax and sleep at home. 

it's a sunday after all.

:-)

the grand budapest hotel

watched the grand budapest hotel with bee last night.

didn't know what to expect when i bought the ticket nor when i stepped into the cinema. well, that seemed to be the way for me these days cos i have been almost totally out of touch with who's who and what's what when it comes to movies these days. so unlike the days years ago. anyway, i really enjoyed the show. the whole production was really surreal and i really loved the contrasting colours, costumes, huge hairdos, scenes that were part-real, part animated... everything simply jumped out at us almost throughout the show. such a visual treat!

it really gave me a good mental escape and break from the week's tensions, both at home and at work.

must catch it if you have not!

:-)

picture from http://www.grandbudapesthotel.com/

normal urine?

since the bad experience with bloodied urine last week, i have been drinking lots of water very consciously. other than one particular day where i was doing training and did not drink much, my urine has been normal. then again, i can't help but wonder if i still have blood in the urine except that it is not noticeable. and this was becos on that one particular day where i did training and did not drink much water, my urine was still rather bloody… 

well… let's see how it goes. can i take it that as long as my backache disappears, it should be ok?

hmmm...

old man's chicken

earlier this week, mum kept asking about macdonald's hamburgers. knowing that she wouldn't ask for anything if she does not have the desire to eat it, i decided to bring her for a macdonald's dinner. and during the dinner, she mentioned about ah pek koay bak (hokkien for old man's chicken)… i was a little confused frankly, and after a split second, it struck me - old man chicken was kfc! and she had asked about it becos there was a kfc located opposite the macdonalds restaurant where we were…

lol!

picture from http://news.tangatawhenua.com

catching up with bee

it's been almost 2 weeks since i saw bee. 

i must admit i was not happy with him for leaving the country when i was not around as we had agreed for him to look after the dog when i was overseas for work. and to make it worst he left the country with his colleagues. something that i cannot understand and have never done - go holiday with colleagues. i only holiday with people i am very close to. added to that, some of his colleagues are gay and naturally, i cannot help but wonder what the hell is going on between him and his colleagues. and as usual, these trips are over the weekend and whenever he leaves for such trips, he goes silent… and this is not the first time. in fact, it is the many many times already.

then again, understanding he needed a break from his own family issues, i didn't say anything and agreed that he should go. but i also couldn't help but feel uncomfortable about it. anyway, he came back on monday but we have not met in view of my hectic schedule through the week. coupled with that, he got himself occupied with his day-to-day issues once back. and finally today, we decided to meet for lunch given that i was not working. it was a quick lunch but frankly, my mind was not there. i was very distracted. i was still very blah over what happened with mum yesterday and its after-effects today.

sighs...

farewell email

i find it totally not cool to use another person's email as your own, especially when it contains things that might sound a tat personal. 

you see, a very senior leader in my company will be leaving end of the month and had send out a farewell email. and as i read his email, i could not help but noted the similarity between his email content and that of another colleague that left the company a short while back. and when i scrolled down the mail and saw my ex-colleague's deleted email, it became clear that this person had used my ex-colleague's farewell email for his message! in fact, he almost lifted everything from the ex-colleague's email, even the addressee list, complete with my ex-colleague's account that is not longer functioning.

this was not a good experience for me. in fact, it was an omg-moment for me cos the email suggest a great deal of hypocrisy and that he was merely going through the motion. and the message of the email was rather personal-sounding. something about learning from us, getting our support, making friends, etc. but with the realization that he had cut-and-paste the content, word-for-word, the effect on recipients was totally opposite. he might not have known it, when one reads such "reply all" via the laptop, it seemed like a new email. but through the app, everything was time stamped and the original mail (of the ex-colleague), despite being deleted, was all captured below his farewell mail! 

then again… i have never really worked with this person anyway. and for the few exchanges we had, i didn't have a good impression of him. and this farewell email capped the whole negative impression i have of him!

:-)

compulsory rest

after the almost non-stop training and workshops, i lost my voice totally. i opened my mouth to talk and nothing came out. and so i decided (finally) to head to the doctor this morning instead of work. thankfully, i regained some little ability to utter some words at the clinic but whatever came out of my mouth was very hoarse-sounding. 

the doctor made his conclusions almost immediately when he heard my screwed-up voice. checked my throat, took my temperature, checked my lungs, etc and ordered compulsory rest for me for the day. and so, i walked out of the clinic with quite a few medication… and an mc.

well… i headed to the pool for my rest. nothing beats a me-time by the pool in the sun. 

i look like a lobster now!

:-)

no more a normal person

noticed my mum's condition had worsened somewhat. the frequency of her strong reactions to people around her seemed to have increased of late. and yesterday, it was another huge incident that ended up with the whole household upside down.

you see, after throwing all the accusations at the maid and getting herself all angry, she called my second sister to complain. regrettably, my second sis refused to talk to her and had prioritised her work over my mum and cut short the conversation with mum (who was very agitated when she made the call), citing work as the reason. i learned later that mum went on to call my younger brother. and hearing about her wanting to visit the temple to pray for my second sis's children, he gave her a good solid solid trashing. scolded her for showing concern for the children, chiding her for wasting money in visiting the temple, and so on. she hung up the phone feeling even more agitated.

that kinda explained why mum was so bloody upset when she called me. i messaged my siblings to update them of mum's condition. and to ask for their understanding and to give mum the attention and to talk nicely to her. please please please do not treat her like a normal person and trash her or shut her off when she reach out to them, i half pleaded. i had to remind them again that her condition was consistent with that of a dementia patient and needed all the tender-loving-care and patience from them. but as usual… the response i get was - i can't talk to her cos i was with a client, i am very busy and she kept calling me, she is full of problems and i am not interested to talk to her.

the consistent thing i get, if i were to conclude, was that they were all not seeing and understanding things from mum's angle or at least to take mum's condition into context. and when we see things only from a self-centric angle, no further discussion is needed.

haiz...

crying maid

it was during the workshop and i did not checked my phone until 5.15pm.

i noted a missed call from mum's phone at 4.45pm. i called back and next thing i knew, mum screamed over the phone. how can a maid behave like a boss and refuse to let me go to the temple. your dad ill-treated me and now the maid is doing the same. the maid is evil, she is bad-hearted, how could a person possibly not allow a grandma to go to the temple to pray for her sick grandchildren. i want to see her husband. i want to complain to him. she went on non-stop. i tried so hard but couldn't calm her down. i felt my own temper rising but told myself to control. and since i had completed my facilitation, i rushed home straightaway.

facilitator-audience dynamics

i had an interesting day this week on tuesday when i conducted a corporate program. the experience reminded me again that a facilitator's effectiveness is also dependent on the audience. that is to say, facilitator-audience dynamics is an important factor to the success of a program.

you see, i do corporate programs for my company staff. and usually, the audience for my programs tend to be rather vocal and/ or spontaneous. and with their responses, i tend to be more candid and spontaneous too. and we ended up feeding on each other's spontaneity and the outcome is often very fun and fulfilling. but this week for the first time, i had a class that was somehow very very difficult. they were just so unresponsive and boring. and naturally, my lessons become a tat boring too. i found myself invariably becoming very much less spontaneous. all my usual examples and candid responses disappeared. and my lessons became short and sharp. and my program ended at 4.30pm, instead of the usual 5.45pm.

but surprisingly, when i looked at the training evaluation feedback, the quantitative responses didn't fare too badly compared to other programs… i will need to reflect further on this...

interesting right? 

"unfathomable" coolness

it was an interesting experience for me on the day of the conference.

by 8.15am, i have not arrived at the conference yet. and i noted that not a single person from the conference organizing department has called me. they are so bloody cool right? it is less 45 min from your start time and you have not even called me, considering i have all your slides with me.

that was the same sentiment echoed by my staff. how come they are so cool huh? cannot imagine. if i were them, i would be really panicking already! then again, i sometimes wonder if i worry too much or that the organizers themselves are just simply bo chup (couldn't care less)!

well… i had to keep reminding myself that it is not my department's conference. so i should just relax and chill. but what kept me pushing them was that it is not a matter of "their department's" conference, my company's reputation is at stake if this do not go smoothly!

sighs...