foot stones

many years ago, taking walks on pathways planted with smooth-edged stones was deemed good for health. it was in fact a rave amongst many elderly singaporeans, so much so that the government started creating such amenities for people to walk on in the housing estates. and funnily enough at that time, when people meet, a common topic was about which place has the best stone paths, how sharp the stones were and stories of how they had become much healthier, and stuffs like that.

i was sufficiently curious enough to try stepping on them. and whenever i did so, it never failed to make me wonder how the hell people could walk on such surface, much less derive any health benefits out of it. it was one helluva painful! and to me, any health benefits derived was possibly due to the numbing effect the pain had on people, i thought. i have not tried such self-torture feats after that. now, fast forward 20 years and where i had experienced the pleasures and possible benefits of foot massages, i tried stepping on these stones again today. and...

hey! it didn't feel so painful after all! heh... 

supportive bosses

i am rather blessed to have very understanding bosses at work. 

when they heard that my mum got hospitalized, i was asked to down my tools and to attend to her. place office priorities lower, family is more important. one after another echoed. it was such a contrasting difference from my previous company where i was hauled up to my chief ops officer's office and given a good trashing. you better sort out your mum. she's a problem and it is not fair for me to squeeze other business units head and not squeeze you! thundered my chief ops officer. well, that one sentence convinced me i should leave that company. and i am pretty glad i did.

following her discharge, mum decided that she should attend the rehabilitation center right away and not rest at home for a week or two as suggested by the rehabilitation center manager. mum reckoned she would be bored stiff if she were to stay home. and that was what i did. i called up the center and asked for the transport to pick her up today. and my bosses also gave me the go ahead to arrive work late and to leave early if need be so as to make sure she boards the transport/ return home safely. and i can do so for as long as i need until she gets strong again.

such a nice change. am glad i have such supportive bosses.

:-)

flu...

i think bee passed his flu bug to me. have been down with a sore throat since sunday. and have been downing antibiotics and a few other medication last few days. thankfully, things seemed to be improving ok and i was able to get about doing the daily work and stuff without any problems. but i was conscious not to get too close to mum lest i infect her with my flu bug. so far, things seemed ok.

and one thing i noticed about mum. when i was ok, she would occasionally get into this paranoid state and suspect me whenever she cannot contact me. but since she found out i was sick, she kept telling me not to visit her and to stay at home to rest. and she kept calling me and reminding me about it it got a little scary. i am not sure how to describe it, but somehow it felt like as though she had something up her sleeve... "don't come visit me hor, i am ok, you go sleep and rest hor..." she would repeat, again and again. non-stop. somehow, it seemed like once i become sick (or at least when she knows i am sick), her motherly instinct took over and all her paranoid and whatever mental illness she has got suppressed.

then again, i played it safe. i arranged for my brother to visit her while i rested at home. i certainly do not want her mind to run wild when i didn't visit. one can never under-estimate the extend to which her mind can imagine. 

:-)

5-day break?

well for the past 5 days when mum was in the hospital, bee came over a couple of evenings. and other than the meals and short times together, we also managed to do what we used to do some long time back when he lived with me. you know, those mutual grooming stuff... other than that, it was lots of rest for him too cos he was down with a bad flu. and all too soon, mum has recovered and bee has to go "underground" again. and as usual, we need to make sure there were no traces of him left behind. things like his clothes, his laundry, etc. better be safe than sorry...

:-)

discharged

mum was discharged yesterday. and the holiday feel continues cos i took leave. then again, holiday ends cos mum will be at home. haha... no la, not complaining. caregivers need a break too, just that the break is a bit unconventional. it happens only when the elderly or sick is hospitalized.

:-)

frog tales

was at a wedding lunch and an ex-colleague who is still in service was there too. i could see his discomfort when i addressed him by his first name but who cares. rank and position has no meaning to me now.

anyway, during lunch, the conversation topic at the table drifted to job search. i spoke about how military officers are not very good at marketing themselves and thus would need to improve in this area to enhance their search process. and my ex-colleague gushed about how in the forces, he need not look for jobs cos the job will come to him, he just needs to wait for the order to come... well, it's nice to be in that kinda system but certainly from a choice perspective, it would not be very nice, i thought. then again, that's his perspective of things.

incidentally, i have been coaching another ex-colleague who's preparing to leave the military. when we first reconnect, i could see how unprepared and green he was, but as time passes, i could sense the excitement in him grow as he embrace this new phase in his life. i wished he could leave with better after-taste but that was not the case. a little regretful frankly. but hey, that's the reality of things. when you move on orders, you will eventually hit a point where you will feel unhappy. unhappy when larger thinking change, when you are no longer the flavor of the top, when what you do is no longer deemed critical... having spend the last 5 years outside, i can only say this - that the world out here is one helluva exciting and we need to be outside to appreciate! the frog in the well syndrome will hit us without us realizing it if we stay inside too long. worst still, we learned to justify the beauty of the well, and glorify how it protects the water that gives lives etc.

i left early during that wedding lunch. i didn't want to continue conversations with people who talks like they know the world outside and constantly use management theories to argue their points about the outside world. 

come out. experience. then talk. but for now...

seek to understand. 

be humble.

haywire mum

mum went haywire again this evening. 

visited her at the hospital during lunch as well as during the evening visitation hour. i left a little earlier and told her i will be heading out for dinner. all things seemed well. she called me later in the evening at about 9.26pm. i was in the shower and noted i had 3 missed calls. when i called back, she refused to answer the call. and it took me quite a while and almost about 20 over calls before she picked the call. even then she refused to talk. and in the background i heard her shouting "i don't give a damn about him, i don't want to talk to him!" 

well... she has gone berserk yet again by the sounds of it. sighs, must be her paranoia. you see, every time she calls me and i don't pick up the call, or when i pick the call a little longer than expected, she would demand to know where i was and who i was with. she has this thing about "people wanting to kill her" and constantly believes that i mix with people who are out to harm her. and so whenever i answer her calls late, it would naturally mean "i am having a meeting with bad people to kill her". very tiring, frankly. anyway, i called her again and again and after some 15min, the nurse picked the call. she doesn't want to talk to you, the nurse said. i know, but i insisted i wanted to talk to her. if i don't hear her voice, i will continue calling, i said. the nurse tried to coax my mum to talk but she refused. she couldn't do anything and decided to just let things be. and so for the next one hour, i kept on calling her handphone, non-stop. 

i wanted to make an impact on her. it was after almost an hour of non-stop calling before i stopped. and i called the hospital ward and spoke with the nurse. i apologized for disturbing them but explained that i had to do it. i wanted to make the impression on her. that she should not behave like that. the nurse was nice and told me she understood. and i told the nurse to work with me to manage her, given her anxiety, paranoia and delusional nature. "go take the phone from her, switch it off, tell her that her son (aka me) is disturbing everyone and that you needed to switch off her phone. show her your action of switching off the phone, i need her to see your action so that she will not expect any more calls. also, for tonight, observe her closely. don't disturb her sleep. she will dream, she might be delusional. if this happens, she will see my grandfather and she might just go berserk and want to leave the hospital. please observe her closely."

it was after this call and talk to the nurse that i stopped calling. i will let her sleep for tonight. hopefully she goes through without any issues. i am sure she will be emotional and would refuse to talk to me tomorrow. such emotional swings happen all the time. it is something that i cannot get use to, despite having happened many times before. well... let's just see how it unfolds...

haiz...

cough cough cough

i took leave today to bring mum to the hospital eye center for her half-yearly eye check-up. she started coughing and wheezing badly on the way to the eye center. after the check-up and while we were on the way out, i playfully suggested to her that i will bring her to the a&e, knowing that she always resists, for fear of having to be admitted. surprisingly, she said ok. and i quickly took the chance and made a short detour. better go before she refuse to next time round, i thought. but once we arrived at the a&e, her coughing and wheezing stopped. and she was put on the "normal non-emergency" queue. hahaha... i teased her that we will be send home after given some cough medication.

waited quite a while at the triage, and when our turn came, the nurse asked me what happened. i explained accordingly and for some unknown reasons, the nurse decided to bring her into the observation ward and put her onto the bed instead of leaving her on the wheelchair. the process of climbing up the bed took its toll and triggered off the wheezing straightaway. the next thing i knew, she was wheeled into the critical care ward, given 3 rounds of nebulizer and before long, the doctor came out to tell me she needs to be admitted immediately.

thinking about it, i thought it was quite funny actually.

hahaha!

bimbo moments

i got a message from a friend telling me his colleague was so impressed with the little compass on his lanyard she requested to take a look... and then she exclaimed, excitingly "omg omg! it's amazing how the needle remained pointing to the same direction regardless of how i turned the compass..." yup, my  friend was speechless...

after i read the message, i lol literally! and my lady colleague looked at me, wondering why i suddenly lol and i showed her the message. and.... (silence).... (silence)... (silence)...

(i could almost hear the cricketing chirping....) many seconds passed, and then suddenly she gave a little laugh... "oh, its a compass and it was supposed to point north..." she exclaimed quietly. it was my turn to get speechless!

lol lol!

bimbo moments?

oct 2013

time seemed to stand still when one is young. at that time, chinese new years seemed to take forever to arrive! and when one is in the 40s, time seems to zip by! darned! it's wednesday! and it's mid-oct 2013!

happy mid-week!

koi koi...

i decided to pamper myself and purchased a cup of koi (milk tea) (actually, my staff bought it for me). and as i queued, i half expected the sales staff to say "unker, u too old for this" cos... omg! the people in the queue can easily pass off as my children!

lol!

of animals & men

it was like a scene from an epic, along the lines of the biblical story of moses and the opening of the red sea or the noah's ark, or for that matter, the lord of the ring where frodo arrived at tower of saraman. the scene was dark and gloomy. i was leading a group of people and animals. altogether we number in the hundreds. we were on the move and we arrived at a hostile place. we needed to get across an obstacle, i wasn't too sure if it was a river or a huge room, there was an exit point to work towards. in this obstacle, there were hostilities, hostilities that wanted to thwart our plans to move. but i must get the group across. a few things were clear to us. the hostilities would know our identity and would possibly kill us.

i wanted to seek ideas on how to overcome this obstacle and i asked for the whole group to convene. i needed to find a way to hide the animals. there were chickens, ducks, birds, etc... and when i turned around, there were only humans. none of the animals could be found. i asked about their whereabouts, nobody knew. someone shouted out that the animals has left us a few hours back and had not returned. i got angry. that answer was not acceptable and demanded the animals attendance. and an old man, bearded and in a long tunic (think about the image of moses) standing beside me said, but we have been here all the while. it dawned upon me that the animals had taken the initiative to seek magical help and had transformed themselves temporarily into humans. but their transformation was only transient, only to cross the obstacle.

we came out with a plan to get everyone across. i decided that we should cross in teams. each team would comprise an animal (in human form) and a few humans. i reminded all humans to pay particular attention to ensure the safety of the animals. but at the back of my head, i was worried. worried about the possibility that some animals might have loopholes in their transformation, a tail or some animal features perhaps, and that might endanger them or the team... fast forward. some teams got across safely, including one of the most priced animal.

and then the scene changed. i was in a room. there was a woman seated behind a table. on the table, there was a baby. the woman was embracing the baby, protecting it. the baby was asleep. soundly, serenely. i walked quietly towards the woman and the baby, taking care not to wake the baby up. and i patted the baby.

and i woke up.

weekend over

the weekend came and went... and i had plans to work over the weekend. brought back my laptop. thought through quite a bit of stuff, etc... but in the end, nothing was achieved. the usual weekend routines, etc set in. sweeping, washing, laundry, bathe the dog, etc and before i knew it... but of cos, this weekend was a little different from the other weekends. 

managed to have a drink with bee last night at the marina mandarin hotel. been a while since we did that. and i had to attend a wedding lunch today. it was an invite from an ex-military colleague and so i left mum over at my brother's place from morning. made my way to the wedding lunch and noted that a few of the army people were there. not too keen to talk to them anyway. and so, i wished the couple the very best, completed 2 of the 8(?)-course chinese lunch and left early (i wasn't too hot about having to chat with people i wasn't particularly close to). and i took the opportunity to take a break from mum... came home, brought the dog to pee and went for an afternoon walk-a-jog under the hot sun before heading to my brother's place again. been a long while since i was able to soak myself in the sun...

anyway, by the time i completed my exercise, i called mum and she sounded unhappy, just as i had expected. and when i arrived, she refused to talk to me. gave me black face. well, i pretended like as though i didn't notice anything and just played with my niece and nephew. she recovered after a while. and the rest of the day was as per routine. dinner and stuff...

one more weekend down.

should i be concern?

i suspect mum has been telling my siblings all sorts of things lately. 

earlier this week, my second sis called me just as i was about to knock off from work and asked if i will be home anytime soon. she said mum told her she's very very hungry and that she needed food. and of cos my second sis called and check with me if she should rush down to mum with food. and when i reached home, mum said she's hungry but ok, and that she wanted to complete watching the tv serial before heading out for dinner. and when i asked if she told my sis she's hungry, she claimed that it was second sis that wanted to bring food but she insisted she's not hungry and that i would be home soon to bring her out for dinner... 

and today, during dinner with my brother's family, my brother asked me how come i didn't bring mum to the doctor. i was kinda curious with this question. mum wasn't sick in the first place. and he said mum complained that she had been terribly unwell for quite a few days. and since she was at the table, i threw the question to her instead. she looked at me and denied ever saying she was unwell, instead, saying she's perfectly fine, apart from an occasional choking of her saliva.

hmmm...  

finally

when i was with my previous organisation, i was blessed with a wonderful team, many of whom i hired or was posted in as i strengthen my unit and built new capabilities for the company. 

thus, i felt a deep sense of regret and guilt when i resigned as these people stood by me, supported me to their very best regardless of challenges we faced. and after i left, i maintained very close contact with all of them and supported them whenever they had any issues.

my sense of guilt will be finally laid to rest by this coming week when the last person will tender her resignation. it was really fulfilling and i felt very glad to be able to coach her and helped her through the process of job search, and that she finally found a new job that has a much better prospect and pays a lot better too.

i wish her all the very best.

tele-survey

a telemarketer called and spoke with me in very fluent beijing mandarin, complete with twirling and whirling of the tongue. she must be from china, i thought.  and after about 10sec of talking, she asked: "are you using an iphone, a samsung phone, etc etc etc..."

feeling annoyed with another such tele-survey/ tele-marketing calls, i replied, just as fluently but in queen's english, complete with a slight english accent (that i am sure sounded fake, but i reckoned she couldn't detect), "oh i am sorry, but i don't speak mandarin"... and...

she hung up the phone. not an additional word uttered.

lol!

ignore her! sad!

these days i have learned to update my siblings of my mum's condition whenever something like what happened yesterday happen. and i do so becos i want to avoid the unpleasant experiences i had when i looked after my dad where my siblings and relatives accused me of ill-treating my dad, and starving him before he died.

i invariably find myself managing people around me and not just the person i am looking after (i.e. my mum) these days. and so i updates my siblings (less my eldest sis who is not talking to me) about my mum's strong reactions when i returned home yesterday. and i got their replies an hour or two later.

"ignore her", my brother said.

"sad", my sister said.

i did not continue with both responses.

delusional

mum is delusional again.

i came back from work today and for reasons unknown, once i appeared at the door, she raised her voice and asked me how come you came home in the afternoon? i thought i heard wrongly as sapphie was barking at the same time and asked her what she said, and she asked the same question again... this time, a little louder. feeling a little curious, i asked her why she thought i came home and she curtly replied someone told me. her tone was somewhat unhappy. and she repeated her question yet again.

i turned the question around and demanded who told her such lies. how could i possibly come home when i was so bloody busy at work! i asked and without allowing her to recover from my questioning, i followed immediately with a demand, whoever told you this, i wanna know. she retracted and said, oh, i was simply asking. i did not say you came home, i was simply asking whether you came home. it was not meant to sound angry... i knew that moment that she was mentally off again. her sentences were not coherent. and i have seen enough of such responses to know she is off...

i told myself i needed to create an impression on her mentally. if not, she would continue to imagine all sorts of things. i did not let the matter rest. i twisted my response and told her that she must be vigilant and do not let people influence her thinking. i iterated that as an elderly person, she could easily fall victim to liars who were out to cheat old people of their valuables. as i said all these, i was acutely aware that no one could possibly tell her anything and it was due to her delusional state of mind. and i was cock sure about it cos i did not return home. and once again, i demanded to know again who told her such lies.

this time round, her reply was different again. she said, you don't know that person. i also do not know cos i hardly met him (or her). so don't ask so much. and she added, since you said you did not return, so be it. you did not return... i continued to put pressure on her, and i asked again, and again, and again, who was this person who told you lies! i knew she could not answer. and i eventually added that i was not to be bullied and would not hesitate to call the police if people told lies about me and as a result create tensions between me and her. i added that if the allegations were against my brother, he would have given the person a good trashing. and i threatened the same response. she kept quiet. 

i framed my responses carefully, layering different messages within each sentence. i wanted to make an impression on her mentally yet without making her defensive or upset. and although i went on and on about this "person", how i cannot tolerate illogical accusations and lies, and threatening to take actions against him etc, much of my sentences were actually directed at her and her warped logic. do not accuse me, doubt me or put words in my mouth, my (unspoken yet clear) messages rang loud and clear. and frankly, i was also experimenting with different responses to her delusional state to assess the effects on her.

she seemed ok after all my strong responses. and she was rather chatty as i brought her for dinner and some shopping. let's see how she is tomorrow.

... 

some very singaporean things

here's a few things i observed during my weekend breakfast trips to the market/ hawker center that i thought are very singaporean heartland, or for that matter, just very singaporean!

• driving up the multi-storey car park and after parking my car, a lady stopped by and reminded me that the lot i parked in was a red and white lot (i.e. for residents), and added that i should be mindful that the roving attendants patrol the car park very frequently. singaporeans share a common "enemy" and band together against the very "on-the-ball" car park attendants!

• wheeling mum out of the roof top open air car park and people holding the lift for me. and later on wheeling mum out of the lift on the roof top car park and people offering to use their umbrella to shield me from the light drizzle as i wheel mum to the car. many singaporeans are kind at heart and never fail to reach out to people whom they think needs help.

• walking along the shops on the ground floor of the public housing flats and bumping into a minister (yes, a minister of the singapore government and not the church minister) mingling around and chatting with residents. see this quite often actually, regardless of whether the ward is that of the ruling or opposition party. unlike many countries where people often live in areas so large they hardly see the people they elect, here, the city state is so small we cross different wards  every day to the extend that we forgot they are "different". and also becos of this, we see politicians (office holders or otherwise) rather frequently.

• eating at the hawker center and having the flexibility to choose food from the different races, or for that matter, food of different races being sold by member of another race (e.g. chinese selling mee rebus, or malays selling hainanese chicken rice, or lagi more interesting, chinese selling vegetarian mee rebus). singaporeans are a lucky lot to be able to enjoy the best of the different cultures.

• groups of elderly uncles and aunties congregating at their favorite corner of the hawker center chatting away, and once a while, one or two uncles would break into songs and dance. quite interesting indeed. and often we can see people stopping by to cheer them on. at the hawker center, public entertainment act does not exist? haha... it is nice to see our senior citizens having fun, and i feel extra warm to hear them sing old hokkien songs, songs that my nanny sang when i was a kid.

well... these are the little things that i enjoy and appreciate when i visit the market on weekends. it is not just the food, but rather, the ability to enjoy the singaporean culture that makes my visits meaningful and fun. and it happens all the time, we just need to observe and listen.

:-)  

the world's end

this is the kinda show where you walk in wondering why you got the tickets and walked out wondering "what-the-fish" you have just watched. haha... but yeah, it was the kinda show where you chuckle a bit here and there and at the same time go "what-the...", "what-the...", "what-the..." as the movie unfolds.

it was entertaining nonetheless.

:-)

ps: and for the records, bee bought the tickets! haha!

about time...

this is probably the first time i am blogging about a movie even before i watch it. but, hey, it looks good. and to top it off, the song "of monsters and men" is featured! i look forward to watching this movie!

:-)

ps: then again, i don't really like the idea of having thoughts over "if i were to live my life again", haha... strong believer in moving ahead, learn from the past but don't regret it.

plane crash!

i had another weird dream last night. it could possibly be related to my touching up of some aviation safety slides before i sleep where i had to deal with lots of pictures related to air crashes and dead bodies. but i am sure there are more to the dream that just the air crashes. here's the dream...

i was at a futuristic looking place where buildings were silver and everything was bright. in front of me, there was a huge lake. similar to the whole scene, the lake was silver and bright. i could almost see the reflections of the buildings on the surface of the silver lake. and then i saw an airplane above me. it was flying upside down. it flew close to me but the whole scene was quiet and peaceful. and as it flew overhead, i noted that is was in fact towed by another. funny thing was that there were lots of people hanging to their dear lives from the tow cable, not dissimilar to what was shown in this clip that i blogged (@1:34) sometime back. moments passed and the dream seemed to come to a stand still. 

the next thing i knew, i see parts of the tow plane breaking off in mid-air. and then it smashed right into the lake and there was a huge ball of fire. the upside down plane also fell from the sky and it hit the silvery buildings across the lake. by this time, there was lots of water being throw off the lake and it felt like it was raining, except that the water drops were really fine. i noted i was standing beside a bright red car. and the windows and windscreen of the car cracked, an effect of the wave of the explosion. with all the water mist gushing towards me, i could only squat down and use the red car to protect me. and before i knew it, the car split apart and the cracked windows and door folded towards and over me. it was funny, as it folded over me, my brother (who was slim and in his younger self) appeared beside me. and i pulled him down as the car folded over, protecting us.

by this time, the scene looked rather chaotic. there were lots of dust/ smoke, buildings were falling and people covered with ash were running towards me. it reminded me of the twin tower when it collapsed on the fateful day of 911.

and i woke up. 

rude prc food seller

i decided to head for a facial after collecting the medication at the mental institute yesterday. and as i had some time when i arrived at the shopping center (where the facial place is located), i decided to take my lunch first.

after checking out a few outlets, i decided on a small shop that sells chinese mix vegetable rice. it was manned by a lady and the dishes were all neatly arranged and brightly lit. perhaps it was still early, but the dishes on display were largely meat-based and there were only a couple of vegetable dishes. there was a short queue and in front of the queue was a gentleman ordering his food. this gentleman wanted a vegetable-rich lunch and asked if there were more vegetable dishes... next thing i knew, the lady screamed at the top of her voice you are the one who's patronizing my stall, what i display, you eat! just choose what you have here and don't ask so much! her voice thundered as she breathed down the man. and quickly, the man chose another meat dish. no further questions asked.

her hostility and tone shocked me. from her accent, it was clear she was a prc. i shook my head and walked off straightaway. i will not give my business to anyone who behaves in such a manner. i strongly believe that regardless of our status, position, nationality, etc, and in this case, buyer or seller, we need to be respectful. there is totally no need to behave in such a hostile manner!  sighs... there is already a bad enough reputation for prcs here, and this single one person had just reinforced the stereotype and perception that prcs are rude, loud, uncouth and not friendly.

not nice!

not me!

i wrote about my experience with an elderly gentleman this morning and how he quickly he responded to the nurse that he was not a patient but merely collecting the medicine for someone else. and i thought, wow, i would have done the same. in fact, there were a couple of times where i would try to dissociate myself with the patients in the mental institute. and i reflected on this. why do we behave like that? and i realized that i, just like this elderly gentleman, still display a typical behaviour of someone who stigmatize mental patients. 

this is not good. 

uncomfortable

every time i visit the mental institute outpatient clinic, i would feel somewhat uncomfortable. i know it probably does not sound too nice to say so, but yeah, i felt uncomfortable. and this is because there are outpatients who behave in a rather rowdy manner, people who shout without any reasons, people who walk up to me to ask for money, who laughs, etc...

on one hand, i feel sad for them. they are human beings and they must have gone through some terrible experiences to suffer such mental conditions. it must have been really traumatic for them. yet on the other hand, i have a slight fear for my own safety. what if they assault me, i thought. these people could possibly turn aggressive if they get aggravated, and it is not easy to know what could trigger an aggressive response. and with such thoughts, i felt a little unsettled.

well, one can probably say such reactions are natural and that my fears are not unfounded. yet, on the other hand, i felt bad for that fact that my fears are also a reflection that i have not been able to open my heart sufficiently to them, and worst of all, this fear prevented me from reaching out to them.

i need to reflect on this and cultivate myself more.

seeing things in perspective

many a times, my conversations with people make me realize how we (and i mean "i") have been so self-absorbed that we do not really appreciate the fact that there are also many people out there who are also facing lots of life's challenges, challenges that we didn't know can exist. and such stories humbles us and we learn to see things in better perspectives. such stories help us appreciate what we have and (awkwardly) makes us feel better... here's my experience today.

i was at the mental institute this morning. there were quite a few people waiting too. and as we waited, a nurse came around and asked if we were waiting for the doctor and asked if we wanted some drinks. an elderly gentleman who was seated beside me replied no, but quickly added that he was not seeing the doctor but was merely collecting some medication. when i heard his response, i thought oh me too! and i smiled to myself. next thing i know, the gentleman turned to me and started talking. he mused about how the services at the mental institute had improved and become a lot more patient/ customer-centric over the years... i smiled and soon enough, we were sharing about our respective reasons why we were there. i am collecting medication for my mother, i volunteered. and he probed further about my mum's condition etc. after some sharing he faced me and simply told me to just live my life well. and almost apologetically, he said that for me, at least my challenges would end within few years. as for him... this was where i didn't know how to respond to him. you see, after some time, he was comfortable enough to share with me about who he was collecting the medication for. my son, he said. he had refused to come and thus, i have been collecting the medication for him. it has been this arrangement already for some time. what is your son suffering from, if i may ask. he looked at me, resigned. ocd. he is my only son and he is 37 years old now. as he shared his story, i felt sad.

his son had ocd since... and he lifted his palm to about his knee-level, suggesting to me an age that was no more than 2-3 years old, and he shook his head. and by the time he was in secondary school, his condition had reached a point where he would get aggressive, so much so that he would assault his mother. in time to come, i managed to control the aggression, but not the ocd. it has been more than 20 over years and his son is now 37 years old. he is unemployed, i mean, how can he possibly be employed right? he asked, and he continued... and he stays in the house whole day. a typical routine for him would be - wake up in the morning, takes an hour or so to brush his teeth, walks around the house and does his rituals, head out to buy lunch, comes home to eat his lunch, and then spend over 2 hours bathing, washing and scrubbing himself. a typical family's water bill is probably 100-plus, but mine is over 300 bucks a month... sighs... anyway, i would return home in the evening, buy dinner for him, after which he would continue to wonder around the house again until it is time for bed.  the elderly man looked resigned and sad as he shared. i am now healthy. but in time to come when my wife and i go, i think i will have no choice but to send him to the mental institute to be locked up...

such conversations can make a person feel very sad. but for this elderly gentleman, much as he lamented, it came across to me that he had accepted it. i asked if he knew the cause of his son's ocd and shared that my niece has the same issues and had displayed similar behavior as his son. i asked if it could be stress and that made the elderly man sit up and for a moment, sounded defensive. what stress? he is not even working, and when he was young, he had everything he wanted, cannot be stress! he insisted (i sensed denial) and as though he suddenly realized he sounded rather hostile, he quietened down again and simply said, it must be my genes... well... you kinda know how this conversation went. there was quite a bit of consoling here and there, and there was also a few moments of quiet as we both took our breaks reflecting what we both shared.

soon enough, it was my turn to see the doctor. i wished the elderly gentleman well, and we parted.

what a day!

i went to collect mum's medication at the mental institute today.

and instead of taking half a day's leave, i decided to take the whole day off. thought it would be useful to get a good day's break, especially after 2 stressful days co-ordinating and conducting a program at work. and so i had it all planned. i shall head out of the house for breakfast, collect the medication, have a tan at the pool, or something like that, and if the sun is right, i could probably spend the whole day at the pool. heh... that is a plan alright. by the way, tanning has always been something i look forward to whenever i have time cos to me, that is the only way where i can be alone and just blank off. that has been my way of relaxing for the last 2 decades or more. yup, that would be my plan.

the morning came. and i headed out to the mental institute after sending mum to the rehab center. had my breakfast there and then... the sky turned dark! aiyoh! there goes my plan! by the time i left the mental institute, the sky was really pouring... but yeah... that did not stop me. i headed out for my facial instead. hah... and i went shopping too... and did everything i wanted. if i had the chance to tan, it would have been perfect, but nonetheless, i had a good restful day. 

:-)

a hug

i slogged through the whole of tue and wed conducting and co-ordinating a program. and although this was not the first time i conducted this program, it was no less stressful as i had implemented a lot of new things. these includes measures to tighten time management, a formal program introduction, measures to help presenters know program participants, etc etc etc... 

and added to all these new initiatives, my chief is a participant of the program this time round. so, it was kinda an added pressure to make sure she finds it ok, considering she did not have a good impression of her orientation when she came in 3 weeks ago (and as a result, didn't quite have a good impression of how the ops people conducted the orientation).  and top of it all, my ceo wanted certain things to be done that involves calling managers from across the company... so... yeah, lots of pressure and lots of running around. thankfully, my staff and i worked very well and the two days came and went smoothly. everything went almost like clockwork. 

when the whole program ended last evening, my chief came up to me, thanked me and held out her hand. naturally, i held out my hand too in response to the handshake. but what caught me off guard was her coming further forward to give me a hug. well done and great job! she said. heh... surprised, but certainly very appreciated and a good encouragement!

:-)

new week

it's a new week. and without realizing it, almost 3/4 of 2013 had passed.

will be busy this week running one of the program my section has been managing since i launched it 3 months back. also, will be having a series of meeting to trash out the company training demands for next year... and to finish developing a new program. let's see how much i can do.

realized things i had been rather distracted with a lot of small stuff here and there, and this is at the expense of the bigger developments i am supposed to do. must be more disciplined, else it would be quite impossible to roll out the stuffs i am supposed to roll out by next month!

gonna be a tough week. then again, will see if i can take a days' leave thursday to collect mum's medication from the mental institute.

foul mood

i have been in freaking foul mood these couple of days. 

• bee had some last minute business to attend to in bangkok, and left hurriedly on wednesday evening. he'll come back on friday night, he said. and i told myself i could at least meet him on saturday for a show, just like what we usually do. and then on thursday, i got sms telling me he'd be back saturday. and then on saturday, was told it would be sunday morning, and on sunday, no news for the whole morning until i tried calling and he text back telling me his flight got delayed. he only got back late afternoon. and through the whole period while he was away, it was almost total radio silent. hardly any sms. not even the routine morning or evening greetings. didn't like it. especially not after the last trip when similar happened. 

• mum was a little off here and there through the weekend. not too happy about it especially when it took me quite a bit of effort to normalize her. and since bee was not around, i spend all available time with her last few days. wednesday evening, i brought her for a brisk walk at bedok reservoir and last evening, it was a second round of brisk walk at the east coast park. by the time we ended, it was almost 9.30pm. came home changed up and brought her to the airport to walk around till 11.45pm. had wanted to initially head off for a midnight show alone but mum said she wanted to follow, and that made me change plans to take a walk at the airport instead. her late night resulted in her going mentally off again today. and she gave me evil looks this morning on top of the abrasive tones in her sentences. and together with the lack of news from bee, i was in total foul mood. thankfully, i didn't flare up or things would have gone bad.

• brought my laptop home to work, had tons to do. in the end, i didn't even do anything. all the housework, laundry, bathing the dog, mopping the house (that can never be cleaned as there is an on-going construction opposite), washing the bed linen, washing the toilets, the floor rugs, cooking the meals... and amidst all these chores, i had my mum meddling by re-hanging the wet clothes out onto the balcony railing! to catch the sun, she said! and in doing so, getting breathless and started wheezing. wtf! whatever... i was simply foul mood throughout the weekend!

and it didn't help that i had constant weird dreams during the nights... so...

for now, i just want to sleep.

weird dreams

i have been having rather weird dreams lately. i realized that i have such dreams when i am stressed and when i don't feel settled, regardless of context, be it emotional, work, etc. here're 2 dreams that i remembered clearly... the first occurred on thursday night, and the second, this morning. here's the first dream on thursday night. 

• i fell asleep, and i dreamed that i had insomnia. yup, weird, but i felt so stressed up in my sleep becos i couldn't sleep in my dream (remember the show inception?). well, in my dream, i tossed and turned, and my sleep was so light that i went in and out of my sleep (in my dream) through the night. and next thing i knew, the sky had brightened and i jumped out of bed. the room was intensely lit as i walked to the window. at the window, i saw a pink sky, and i looked at the horizon and saw a huge pink sun. it was then that i woke up (the real one), my room was dark, and i automatically reached out to my iphone by me side and took a look at the clock. it was only 3am. i tossed and turned again, fell asleep and within (what felt like a few seconds), it was 6.30am. time to wake up...

and last night/ early this morning, i had a dream that had several different scenes within that dream.

• scene 1 - in the first scene, the context was a little vague. i think i was a teacher or facilitator of sorts (i seemed to be in the role i held before i left the military). amongst my peers and i, we were discussing whether we should wear our uniform or to don the pt kit. it was rather stressful cos there was no directions and we were left on our own (the stress was that a very important official event was about to begin and we were left alone). and as we discussed, the context of the scene changed. 

• scene 2 - there was an election going on amongst the student cohort at the student's hall next to where my colleagues and i were. there were a few names on the blackboard. the students were electing a leader (of the student council, i think). and 5-6 names were reflected on the blackboard, and my name was one of them (i had become a student!). my name was on the right-most corner of the blackboard. there was quite a bit of arguments over who should be elected and the student body couldn't agree on who the leader should be. eventually, they decided to put the names to a vote. after a few rounds of knock out voting, 2-3 names remain, my name was still there. and i was the hot favorite. i felt stressed by this cos i was not confident of the role. and added to that was the remnants of scene 1 - we were still wondering what to wear.

• scene 3 - the scene now changed to that where i was a hawker (hahaha!). and my peers were now owners of the different hawker stalls at an eatery. and they unanimously wanted me to be elected (from previous scene), to lead them. again, i felt very stressed cos i was not confident of assuming the leadership. and the stress from scene 1 and 2 was still there. 

• scene 4 - the scene changed again, the student's hall (where the election was held) has turned into a concert hall and there was a fashion show/ beauty contest going on. there was a muslim lady performing. she was wearing the muslim headgear (the tudung), but she was in a very skimpy shiny blue swimming costume... i felt very uncomfortable seeing her dressed like this. this is totally not in sync with what i had understood of the islamic faith... 

• the dream ended here.

am not one to believe in dreams, but from the patterns, i can only conclude that subconsciously, i feel very alone and that i have no support from anyone around me. and i am stressed by things that are happening around me. but in real life, is this really the case?

hmmm...

she's ok...

left the lights on for the night and when i woke up, there was no questions asked. everything seemed pretty normal and for a while, i had the impression that she's forgotten about things. until...

i spend the whole day with mum, brought her out for breakfast, did all the housework in front of her through the day, brought her to my brother's place to play with the kids, etc. and we came home early evening for dinner. and after dinner, instead of the evening routine of walking around at the shopping center, i decided to do an 6km brisk walk at the beach. and i brought the dog along. i chatted with her as i walked, pushing the wheelchair and with a hand holding the dog's leash. soon enough, she said last night, you did not switch off the lights. yup, she remembered! and for a person who tends to forget things easily, it must have meant a lot for her to remember this and to mention it to me. she added that she woke up, saw the lights still on, and thought i had not returned. after sometime, she decided to wake up to do a check... it was then that she realized the dog was not in the living room, and that i was asleep.

i played along and simply said i had perhaps forgotten. then i added that it was probably a good idea to keep the lights on through the night as it would help her see better when she walk around. she kept quiet when i said that. well... i supposed this was a good start. i shall try to do this a few more times and perhaps make it a deliberate decision to eventually leave a light switched on, in the interest of safety.

:-)

experiment

mum has gradually normalize over the week after i adjusted her meds. but i can still see some signs of anxiety in the evenings. between dinner to about 10pm, she would repeatedly ask if i would be leaving the house to exercise. and when i leave, she would remind me again and again to leave a light on, to lock all doors and windows, etc.

the next day, when i see her, she would start the conversation by stating that once again, you had gone out till very late (cos she noted the lights were still on when she wake up middle of the night) and so on...  and when i said no, and instead asked her the reasons for such repeated statements, she would get defensive and instead said she was simply asking with "no other intentions or meanings" or that "she's not asking who i had gone out with", etc.

and the story repeats daily, regardless of how long or how short my exercise duration was, she would say the same thing and get defensive. you know, the thing is, by saying all those things about "no other intentions", etc, she actually said a lot more than she knew. to me, it reflected a deep sense of suspicion in her about me leaving the house. and i attribute this to her paranoia.

so tonight, i have decided to do an experiment. i shall leave the light switched on even after i retire to my room. let her wake up, find the living room light still on, and me sleeping. i am not sure how she would react but i am hoping that she would no longer associate the light being switched on as me not home (and hence staying out late). and i think i shall repeat this till she gets used to it. 

let's see what happens tomorrow...

good night!

unclefication

here's what i wrote in my fb status update:

"unclefying and discovering, still learning.

life is great!"

to me, the word "unclefying" translates to "a process of becoming an uncle" aka aging. and despite the realities of spare parts falling apart, it can be (and to me, is) a very enriching and empowering process. but i am sure not many will agree. ha!

perspective, perspective, perspective.

ps: when i typed the word "unclefying", iphone auto text prompted "uncle dying"! haha!

normal?

as per routine, i called mum during lunchtime yesterday. i had half-expected her to hang up on me but she didn't. nonetheless, she didn't sound too enthusiastic and her voice was hoarse. i did some small talk and hang up shortly.

i came home from work and she seemed totally normal. the evening went on fine as i brought her along for my chiropractic treatment and then bought her a good dinner at putien.

and we returned home, watched tv and i gave her her meds. and then she asked "you going for run right?". i said yes and asked her if she's ok with it... and she replied "you wanna go run, you go, take as long as you want and i won't stop you..."

hmmm, ok, she's still not out of it. this morning, i adjusted her meds dosage, specifically i increased her quetiapine dosage. and on top of it, gave her prednisolone and cough mixture for her breathlessness and cough respectively. hopefully, this will help her.

repeat attack

mum's paranoia has started again. i have observed her throwing away food that i gave her over several occasions in the past few weeks but decided to leave things as it was. i thought it was mild and manageable since she did not show any outward signs of hostilities towards me. and yesterday, i got my confirmation when things got a bit out of hand.

you see, for the pass few days, her behaviour has increasingly gotten more and more weird. other than throwing away things, she started looking at me suspiciously in the evenings when i head out for my exercises. and on saturday, when sis came to pick her up for dinner (i had arranged a birthday celebration dinner with my uni friends) she told my second sis that i have gotten acquainted with a lady who supposedly had cheated my (late) dad of his money and that i have gone out to meet her every evenings. she believes we are planning to harm her. i came to know of this when my sis shared with me what my mum told her.

yesterday was my niece's 3rd birthday celebrations and just before we headed to my brother's place, she asked if i had taken back the house key from bee. it was kinda out of the blue. but connecting the dots, i knew something must be in her mind and told her i had. i added that she should stop her suspicions about bee. she didn't take my response well and started being defensive about why she asked. things eventually spiraled to her accusing me of not being happy with her and if that was so, she should just leave the house... and after that she refused to talk to me, pout and pulled a long face through the day. and by evening when all the celebrations was done, she refused to come home with me. and to make things worst, she got anxious and her breathlessness kicked in. it took us a long while and after my brother raising his voice that she grudgingly followed me home.

she is now throwing tantrums and going through emotional swings again.

gotta see how manage her these few days.

will have to adjust her meds again.

mid-life realities

too many things in my mind this morning and just want to write things down. my thoughts are incoherent as it is, but i just need to pen things down. i am at the point in life where i have to face up to certain realities. and amidst these realities, i have to make specific choices, choices that would balance my current realities yet might impact my future.  here's some of these... 

• i know there are things that i need to simply know and just leave them alone and not be too bothered by them. yet i know that if i do not bother about them, i will end up picking the shit. and that would impact my abilities to live normally. and so, i have to many a times make conscious choice to sacrifice my quality of life in order to preserve my quality of life. sounds contradicting? well, take for example, i have to many a times sacrifice my abilities to go out with friends and/ or do what i want and spend time with mum cos i know for a fact that if i leave her alone over a prolonged period, i might end up with her going mental and i have to pick up the pieces and manage her emotional swings/ tantrums. and when that happens, my sanity would be badly affected.

• i have made conscious decisions to leave my job cos i felt i was not able to fit into the culture and the leadership. and my boss telling me that my mum is a problem (and that he cannot allow my mum to affect my quality of work, made me decided to eventually pack up and leave (and for the record, i totally disagree with him) despite knowing that it would impact be financially. such a decision is at the expense of my career development but i decided to do it in the longer interest of keeping my sanity.

• i have gone further to take a 6-month break to take care of mum up to the point of leaving me totally no savings. yet this decision is deliberate knowing that it would be lost opportunity once mum become totally incapable mentally once her dementia gets full-blown. following the break, i have taken a job that allows me to balance my annual finance sheet with hardly any savings. and i do so cos i have decided to be near home, where i can respond to mum quickly if need be, and also my current job allows me to have a more balanced life. i do all these at the expense of my future cos i know i will hardly be able to build any savings. but it is something i have to do. 

most importantly, i am at the point in life where i feel less energetic and has a lower drive (perhaps i am just tired) and admittedly, to a certain extent, admit that i do not have to motivation nor desire to push myself anymore. and i know there are issues related largely to finances that i know i might not be able to handle when i get older. how do i finance my well-being once age-related issues appear? will i become like mum when i get older? when the time comes, who will be there for me? who will help me make decisions once i lose that capacities/ capabilities? the commitment of most of my resources to manage the old and sick certainly is at the expense of my own sustainability when my time comes. the answer must come from me. and the answer lie somewhere in financial planning and living a responsible and balanced life today. yet on the other hand, i feel so drained as it is. and i really don't want to think about money issues, or for that matter, any issues for now. 

finally...

finally, i decided to pre-set my iphone and whatsapp font size to size 20 (from the defaulted size of 12?). beginning to find the small font size a strain to my eyes in the last couple of months. this is the clearest sign that my presbyopia has worsened drastically over the couple of months.

:-)

man & dog

the world would be a lot better if only we can learn to see and appreciate things from the other person's perspective, and in the process, learn to accept the fact that there is an alternate perspective to things... perspectives that are often neither superior nor inferior to ours...

chim reflection but it came when i saw a man walk his black shih-tzu this morning. yes, the man was walking his dog. but the man couldn't appreciate the dog's nature and pulled his dog hard (to the point of choking?) whenever the dog tried to stop to take a sniff. darned! obviously, the man, being a dog lover presumably, didn't understand that to a dog, sniffing is in its nature. to us human beings, seeing would probably account for 70-90% of our sense-making of our world, but to a dog whose eyes are not as well developed as us, smelling is a huge huge part of how they sense-make their world! i don't think the man realize that a dog's sense of smell is many many times more developed than him!

i didn't know whether to pity the dog or to be angry with the man. then again, that's a lot of reflections based on one momentary sighting as i waited for the traffic light to turn green...

i think too much!

happy weekend!

picture from www.sadieshihtzu.com

letting go

it's really easy to let go once u get the hang of doing it. and i say so and reflected so as i deleted my facebook status this morning. i used to feel sentimental about deleting my status cos after sometime, somehow status updates become a part of my life. i cannot deny it documents my experiences and i undeniably become attached to them. i realized this is not healthy and decided that i should delete them after a day or two. they should capture my thoughts at a certain point of time and perhaps allow me to share with my friends, but they should not create a sense of attachment. so now i delete them every day or two. initially, i felt a little sayang cos all the comments and likes would be deleted too. i recognize the issue is me and not the status updates, but well, the act of deleting it helps shape my behaviour and mindsets. and after sometime, it's very easy to do so...

i supposed in life, this is the same. we get attached to things easily, and many a times without realizing it. for example, we get attached to people, things, places, ideas, believes, etc, even status updates! learning to let go of these attachments is the start to being free. these things often feeds our ego. letting them go releases us from being held down, just like how a kite is stuck to the one flying it. when we are able to fully let go, we open up a whole lot of space to realize our potential. and it allows us to be free and happy. letting go allows us to go higher and see the bigger picture. and when we are high enough, we realize that many things we are attached to are not important. and looking downwards from space, issues like relationships, daily complains about traffic jams, work, etc becomes insignificant. instead we see the beauty of nature, of space, of the truth...

so... yup, let go. be free.

be happy.

picture from http://www.bubblews.com

big brother

my new chief interviewed me yesterday.

during the conversation, she shared about how the positive points my head had mentioned about me and her observations of me since we first met. she described me as a person who could energize people and brighten things up amongst a few other adjectives. it was a very awkward moment for me cos i hardly have people say positive things to me and was never comfortable with it, especially at work where i forever kenah trashed by my bosses. and interestingly enough, she added that she saw me as a pillar where people in the department sub-consciously lean on and that i have been acknowledged (unofficially) as the so-called "big brother" of the department...

haha... felt very weird about being described like this...

ps: then again, thankfully, she didn't say "uncle" or worst still, "big sister" or "auntie"! lol!

joker (late) dad

dad was a very jovial person when he was alive. he would go around joking with people so much so that it was never possible to take him seriously. and even after he passed away, he continued poking fun at people... here's what happened.

last fortnight, i got a missed call from my uncle (my dad's brother). i didn't call back but learned from my aunt yesterday that my uncle felt very uneasy when his son (my cousin) told him about his dream. apparently, my dad appeared in my cousin's dream and my cousin asked him how he was. he replied that he was very miserable and that he was upset that my brother did not bring his children to see him... my cousin related this dream to my uncle, and he felt sufficiently uneasy to call my aunt to ask her how to manage (my dad) this. when my aunt related this story to me, my first reaction was one of disbelief. wow, i thought, how can anyone still believe in dreams?! then again, i reckon it is not courteous to brush away people's sharing. it was clearly an important issue to them and thus, i should not dismiss her sharing. i simply told her that i myself could not understand cos my brother has consistently been bringing his children to pay respect to him at the columbarium. my aunt just laughed it off.

i related this story to my mum and we concluded that dad must be making fun of people again, something that he did all the time when alive. and interestingly enough, at the columbarium today, my mum chided him about telling my cousin about my brother not bringing his children to pay respects to him. frankly, it was a little funny. but the way mum spoke to dad, it seemed like as though he was alive and sitting in front of her! but well, such is the belief system of my mum, my brother and my relatives. and i can only respect everything they do. 

:-)

44th anniversary

made a trip to the columbarium today to pay respect to my late grandfather. this coming wednesday would be his 44th death anniversary. been a long while since he left us and all i remembered of him was how the extended family came together to mourn his passing, his huge traditional chinese coffin and the sweeping of his grave... still, family is family. time cannot wipe away the fact that he was my grandfather and that he had protected and dotted on my mum when my dad and grandmother ill-treated her. and till this day, my mum still hold him in very high regard. and looking at how she, an 81 year old person, still call out fondly to them, ah pa and ah yee, gave me a little goose bumps... 

:-)

pretty bride

brought my mum to my sis's place early yesterday morning and my brother-in-law came down to receive her. and through the whole morning, i could sense mum's discomfort in my sis's place. perhaps it was a case of being in an unfamiliar environment cos she kept calling me every half hour or so telling me about the happenings in the house. the groom has not arrived, everyone is doing their own thing, i have nothing to do but watch tv, the groom is arriving, the groom has been made to dance... etc etc etc she went as she called the umpteenth time. it was until about late morning when they went for the solemnization ceremony and lunch when the calls stopped.

picked her up only in the late afternoon downtown where the wedding luncheon was held. could see mum was happy. my brother-in-law had arranged for me to pick mum up at the car park. and i was glad both my nieces came out to meet me too. and the elder one looked really radiant in her wedding dress. and she brought her newly wed husband out too. ah ku! she called when she saw me and i gave her a little hug. and she quickly introduced her husband to me. this is my uncle, she said, and he respectfully greeted me. suddenly i felt old. haha... anyway, i shook his hands, congratulated him and wished the newly wed a happy life ahead.

seeing my nieces (and the new nephew-in-law) made me very happy. 

:-)

new big boss

i had a change in my chief last week when my previous chief decided to step down and take on a smaller role. and it was interesting... 

she came in on monday and i was away through most of the week and came back to office only friday. and when she saw me, she enthusiastically came up to me to talk about my workshop. and i rattled about it and noted she looked somewhat bewildered. she was kind as she continued to smile and look interested (despite the bewilderment) as i went on telling her about the workshop. i found out later on, and a few times through the day that in the 4 days she was with us, nobody had briefed her about the company! and when i asked around, everybody said they couldn't find time to brief her... it shocked me to find out that she was not even told about the department's shared drive in the server! so much for my previous chief for spending 1-2 full days telling her about the company...

haiz... and so, with this realization, i calibrated down my expectations and spoke to her like as though she is brand new. heh heh... then again, i must say, her joining the team did indeed bring in an air of uncertainty in a very positive way cos she's been a generalist her whole life and can quickly pick up what we are doing in our respective functions. this is in very stark contrast to her predecessor who came from a very specialized background and couldn't give us any clear directions about what to do...

let's see how things go. i feel good about this change in the leadership.

:-)

we are the millers

well, yup, went to catch the show "we are the millers" earlier. and i must say it was a very good an enjoyable movie. superbly light-hearted and lots of laughter. just the type of movie that one should watch when you want to just blank-off and laugh. there are lots of reviews and shall not write about it other than that it tells the story about how 4 unrelated persons (a stripper, a drug dealer, a virgin and a runaway) come together, and pretend to be a family as they smuggle drugs across the mexico-us border. and through the movie, there were lots of jokes that were sexual in nature, yet not crude, and in-your-face, yet subtle. heh heh... i sound very contradictory right? ha!

very nice!

:-)

gridlock

i live near the singapore expo and there are a few types of events that i (and i dare say, people living around here) dislike. and they are - computer and i.t. fairs, and food fairs. every time there are such fairs, the whole area would like jam up. one can easily find lots of bargains and exotic food samples during such fairs and most singaporeans, who are by nature rather tech-savvy, greedy and kiasu, cannot resist a good bargain and will flock to the expo when such fairs are held.

and this weekend was terrible. we had a perfect storm situation where the singapore international food fair, the comex i.t. fair and a few retail annual clearance sales all occurring at the expo at the same time. and suddenly, it seemed like almost the whole singapore had converge into the expo! and to top things off, there is an on-going mrt construction next to my condo too. tomorrow is sunday and i cannot imagine how much worst the condition would get when church goers also appear as there is also a church next to the expo!

haiz...

kancheong

the cantonese word kancheong means anxious (or in chinese 紧张). and that is what i think mum is feeling now.

my niece will be getting married tomorrow. and my eldest sis finally decide to break the news to her. and added to that, my sis told her that she must dress up for the occasion. mum, of cos, being someone who is forever easily excited/ highly excitable, got really worked-up despite the fact that i have prepared her mentally over the last 6 months. and for that matter, i have bought her a new blouse, 2 new pair of shoes etc... then again in the last many months, mum had avoided asking sis about the wedding cos whenever she did so, sis would tell her off. and so during these last many months, mum had been consistently lamenting how sis always scold her and how indignant she felt about being treated such. 

so when sis finally broke the news to her (despite me already preparing her mentally for it over the last 6 months and increasing the frequency of telling her about it last couple of days), she still got super duper kancheong about it... and earlier on, halfway while watching her evening tv serial, she walked into the bedroom and didn't come out. it was strange of her to do this as she had not taken her medication. and when i asked her, she said her whole body ached. hmmm... and after giving her her medication and settling her properly to rest, i told her i would head out for some exercises. 

i returned half and hour later to find her mumbling and chanting. and when i asked her what was she doing, she said she was begging for buddha to cure her aches. she was adamant that something was very wrong with her and she was experiencing the same pains like dad before he died. and she added that regardless of how much more medication she takes, the pain will not go away. it took me a while to coax her to take a tablet. well, of cos, i told her i gave her paracetamol but instead gave her a sleeping pill. 

let's hope she sleeps ok tonight. otherwise, there will be lots to manage tomorrow.

ps: just after i typed this post at 11.45pm, i found mum outside in the living room. she had switched on all the lights, opened all the doors and windows, for some reasons, she left one pair of her panties on the kitchen table, her diaper on the sofa and she had boiled water and made a cup of milo for herself. i sat in the living room sofa as i watched her. she was not happy that i had woken up. after drinking her milo, she went to the kitchen to take her morning medication... managed to stop her after she did her puffs, but before she down all the tablets... would not be good if she had downed the medication considering she had just taken her evening dose 2 hours ago! haiz... i insisted on sitting in the living room unless she retires to bed again and grudgingly she did so. the sky looks like it's really gonna pour big time now, yet she refused to let me close her windows, insisting that it will not rain... looks like its gonna be a long night... but well, i think it will do me a lot of good to just ignore her and let her be for the night. 

exhausted

i feel so exhausted...

my body ached like crazy, i felt feverish and my throat was totally sore. think i am falling sick. then again, today has been a totally busy day, despite the fact that i was on leave. woke up early in the morning, pretended to go to work (didn't want mum to worry) but headed out for breakfast instead. came back at about 10.15am and dropped dead in bed. was darned tired and exhausted. woke up at 12pm and rushed off to pick mum up to send her for her medical appointment. la la la... all the waiting and the crowd and the pharmacy etc etc etc... it wasn't until 3pm before we left the hospital.

brought her out to shop a bit and bought myself a pair of work shoes and underwear. and then brought mum to swensons where she enjoyed a good hearty meal of chicken, prawns and ice cream. headed home, collapsed onto bed again. dozed off and rested for some 20min while mum took her shower. and after that, brought mum out for dessert and second round shopping at the airport. and again, i bought myself a pair of berms. all in all, plus the medication, the consultation fees, the shopping, the makan, etc... i think i spend close to 800 bucks! 

heh... did all these despite my body breaking apart. i felt like an old old person and almost couldn't bend  down when i tried to help someone in a wheelchair pick up a ring that she dropped onto the floor! haha... and so, i decided not to head out for my evening exercise but to retire to bed early.

:-)

conducting workshops

i had been superbly caught up with conducting a workshop for one of my department over the last 2 days. and today, during the check out, 2 of the ladies cried... they were so inspired by all the proceedings over the last 2 days and burst to tears as they reflected and shared on the questions about what they have learned and what will they be committed to moving ahead. and i admit, i was a total goner once women cry. but yeah, weirdly speaking, their tears were kinda an endorsement of my success and i felt encouraged by them, and of cos all the others who were present.

:-)