managing my anger

yesterday i got angry and in my anger, i raised my voice at mum. thinking about it, i have calmed down a lot over the last decade. yes, i mean "a lot"! people who had known me since 10 years ago would probably be able to share with you how i would burst into anger regularly. but i had overcome that. nowadays, when i get angry, i would at most raise my voice. and that would be rather infrequent. but i got angry yesterday. and it was probably due to all my pent up frustrations over the past 2 years...

it all started in the morning when my brother chided me (in his smses) for letting mum talk to my 2nd sis (whom he has a long misunderstanding with). i learnt from my mum later that she had told him about it. i was not happy for that fact that i did so with the mutual understanding that it was not to be told to my brother. and i had done so given that she had wanted to talk to my 2nd sis but could not do so when she was at home. and now, suddenly i became the one at fault. and through my brother's smses yesterday, i also realized that my mum's loose rantings about money issues had also deepened his misunderstandings about me. this whole thing simply reminded me of the period just before my dad's demise 2 years ago when things were really challenging emotionally. i ended up chiding her for directly causing all these unnecessary problems and rifts. i told her that her behaviour was really irresponsible and that she should have been more careful with her words. i told her i was really sad that all these things were happening because of her.

what i did not know was that my eldest sis (who had stopped talking to me since my dad's demise) was beside her while i was on the phone with my mum. the next thing i knew, she snatched the phone from my mum and started scolding me and accusing me of torturing my mum. and we ended up arguing with each other. finally, she cut the line halfway through my sentence. her snatching of the phone also took my mum by surprise and i could hear my mum in the background telling her things were not what she thought it was. the whole incident was an unpleasant one. i was really pissed off. thinking about it, i felt very sad. sad for the fact that all my siblings had reached a point where the animosity between one another was so strong that confrontation would certainly occur when we meet. and i am sure this would happen sooner or later. and what made me even frustrated was the fact that i had tried so hard to smoothen things out with the hope that the anger would dissipate over time. yet, but time and again, i have my parents to destroy all my efforts. it was the same with my dad. and it is happening now with my mum. i told myself i cannot really blame my mum for she is old and often forgets things, but on the other hand, it was so damned bloody frustrating.

reflecting, perhaps it is just good to let things be. if fights and confrontations occur, so be it. it is useless trying to stop unstoppable things. it is also impossible to wish away my brother's tensions with my 2nd sis or for that matter, my eldest sis's tensions with me. my experience tells me that the more i try, the more likely i would end up being confronted myself. i have tried very hard for the last 2 years. things seemed to start improving over the last 4-5 months. at least there were no verbal confrontations. then this has to happen. perhaps i should just resign to fate. just let things take it's course. i am tempted to just say, perhaps it is my mum's karma that my brother had stopped her from talking to my 2nd sis and vice versa, or my 2nd sis's karma should she end up getting beatened by my brother. yet on the other hand, i feel so defeated.

frankly, i feel rather lost.

sighs...

my new boss

everytime i see my boss, i end up feeling a lot more stressed... he is so full of ideas and many of these seemed overdue and should have been done yesteryear. and he always sound like he is in a hurry to want to get everything done all at once. and so, every time i see him, he would go into this verbal diarrhea mode and vomit everything out (thank goodness, the content of his verbal diarrhea has been rather consistent in intent despite the differences in topics. so as of now, despite feeling rather stressed, i am still able to manage his inputs and take my time to slowly frame his thoughts and put things in perspective. but i can see that the 2 managers under me are rather overwhelmed.

hmmm...

full of shit

mum has been hospitalized for 3 days. and in these 3 days, she had cleared her bowels non-stop... almost like 4-5 times a day... and a couple of times at night too... and each time, it was like an avalanche... hahaha... 2 weeks worth of shit surely needs a couple of days to fully clear. then again, i thought it was also a case of her body working extra hard to get rid of the toxins in her blood and her system. so i guess she would probably be shitting on and on for a day or two more before her bowel movement staibilizes... she certainly looked very pinkish and rosy when i visited her this everning. it was such a contrast compared to her bloated, pale and yellowish face a couple of days back.

in recent times, as i looked at her and how she has to rely on the domestic help and nurses to help her clear her bowels, change her diapers, etc, it was clear to me that what she is going through is very similar to what dad went through... and it was also clear to me that when we reach a certain age, and have to rely on people for basic things like these, the whole concept of personal space or dignity becomes non-existent. i supposed all of us will reach this state when we grow old and sickly. and i certainly admire mum for her ability to stay so cheerful and laugh so heartily when i teased her about her clearing her bowels, etc.

:-)

ben & jerry

i don't know why, but i got this urge to wanna update "(my name) enjoys having a gay threesome with ben and jerry" as my facebook status...

heh heh... just feeling cheeky today!

:-)

3rd week

it's been 17 days since i started work. and frankly, i think i have not gotten used to the routine yet. well, ok... i have gotten used to the daily routine of waking up at 6.30 - 6.45, going to work at 7.20... etc. but suddenly, it seemed like my evenings are super short. and couple with the fact that half the week's evenings are occupied with things like going to the chiro and going to the temple (2 times a week), i suddenly find myself having no proper time for myself, for bee, for sapphie and so on. everything seemed to be in a rush in the evenings. and as for weekends, it would be similar...

hmmm... kinda challenging as at this point in time...

blood infection

mum got hospitalized again today. this time round, she was found to have high level of blood infection and suspected dilation of her intestines.

what happened was that since her release from the hospital 2 weeks ago, she had not moved her bowels. and despite trying all sorts of things such as taking prune juice, eating more vegetables, drinking more water, taking laxatives, etc, she just simply refused to clear her bowels! and as the days pass, i noted she started to show signs of complications arising from constipation. she started feeling weak, she started to vomit, and so on.

i got worried yesterday when she told me vomited again and she felt weezy. in addition, she complained that her tongue tasted bitter. my only conclusion was that she had blood toxification and i suggested to my brother to quickly bring her to the hospital. he said he would simply try to buy her suppositories and everything will be ok. i was worried. and this morning, i adviced him to do so again explaining to him that things would be bad if he did not do so. he agreed to do so later in the day after getting the suppository for her in the morning. what happened was after using the suppository, she actually cleared lots of bowels! two weeks worth! but after that, she started feeling feverish and through the whole day, her fever just kept going up. her temperature shot up to 40 degree at one time. her body got so weak she couldn't get out of bed. and to make things worst, she started trembling and complained that she felt very cold.

the domestic panicked and called me in office at about 3plus. i gave her some advise as to how to manage mum. separately, i asked her to quickly ask my brother to sent her to the hospital. the ambulance came, and she eventually arrived at the hospital at about 4plus in the evening. some x-rays and blood tests eventually concluded that her blood had been badly infected and that her intestines showed signs of dilation. she eventually got to the ward by about 9plus. whew... luckily, she managed to get to the hospital on time. or else, things would have been unthinkable.

weird dream about mum

i had a weird dream about mum last night or rather, this morning. in my dream, i was walking (hmm... or was i sitting on top of a lorry)... i was part of a funeral procession... and next thing i knew, my mum and my 2 sisters rushed passed me. it was weird cos (1) my mum did not use her wheelchair. she could actually walk/ run (2) the first impression was that these were my sisters and my mum. but as i looked at them, their face morphed into something that looked more like a japanese doll... fully powered, chubby faced and thick mascara... they rushed passed the hearse, and when they passed me, they turned and looked at me. and my mum mumbled something that i could not understand.

hmmm... i woke up not knowing how to interpret this dream...

buddhist classes

tonite i start my formal course in buddhist studies...

:-)

my nonya bak chang again!

once again, bak chang (zongzi) season is here. this is my recipe below - my own version - fusion chang - nonya and hokkien kiam chang... first attempt was during my tour in the states in 2004. been repeating it every year except last year where i was told not to do it as a mark of respect for my late dad. this recipe reflected is similar to that posted sometime back except that i have also included the preparation & cooking process. and this year, i had my mum and the domestic help helping out. and it was quite a breeze cos there was a lot of concurrent activities. most thankfully, my domestic help did all the washing as we were still packing the chang. and so when we finally finished the packing, most of the washing had already been done! and she even went about helping to mop the floor, clean the kitchen etc. so glad she was here!

:-)

meat
4kg of meat (wu hua rou) cut into small strips
300g of heh bee (dried shrimps soaked for 3 hours and chopped finely)
1 large packet (300g) dried shiitake mushroom (soaked overnight & sliced)
15 large onions (diced)
10 garlics (chopped)
300g of sweetened preserved winter melon (diced 10mm)

seasonings for meat
2 packets of coriander powder
white pepper powder (to taste)
250g of white sugar
light soya sauce (to taste)
dark soya (to taste and to colour)
50 mil of sesame oil
50 mil of oil (vegetable)
50 mil of lard (optional)
1 tablespoon msg (optional)

rice
4kg of glutinous rice (soaked for 3 hours)
1 tablespoon of sky blue colouring dissolved in quarter cup of water.

seasonings for rice
white pepper powder (to taste)
10 mil of sesame oil
20 mil of oil (vegetable)
10 garlics (chopped)
1.5 tablespoon salt (or to taste)
half cup gravy from the cooking of the meat
1 tablespoon msg (optional)
pandan leaves (about 7, cut 5cm long and sliced vertically)

others
120 bamboo leaves (wash in hot water and soaked overnight)
rafia strings (tied into 10s of 50cm long) (1 roll makes about 12 bundles of 10s)
pandan leaves (2 stalks) cut to 2cm strips (for inserting into the dumplings)

preparation
as per what was written up there. also, much of the preparation is similar to that i wrote for cooking yam rice esp the parts about soaking the dried shrimps and mushrooms and using the stock for cooking the meat.

cooking the filling
heat the oil in the wok in high heat. if you use pork fat, get the lard out, then throw away the dried pieces (well, if you enjoy deep fried fat, it makes good snacks)... heh heh... ok, with the heated oil, throw in the diced onions and chopped garlic and fry till the onion is translucent (it should take about 2min of frying). put in the soaked dried shrimp and continue to fry for about 2min (this is to allow the ingredients to mix well). pour in the rest of the meat. add seasoning, pepper, soya sauce to taste. add some stock to aid in the cooking process (just enough to wet the meat). once the meat is about half cooked, pour in half the coriander seed powder and continue to fry under low heat. let the mixture simmer for about half hour. continue stirring regularly to prevent the meat from burning. add the dark sauce. add more stock (if you still have, if not, use water) and continue simmering and stirring until you get the meat soft (like stewed meat) (it should take about 2-3hrs). add the remaining coriander seed powder, sugar and continue to cook the meat till it is tender. when the meat about to dry, add the preserved winter melon. allow the winter melon to soak in the juice of the meat just before the meat dries. this whole process would take quite a while depending on how `stewed' you want the filling to be. personally, i prefer it cooked to the point where i can still bite bits of the meat. to reach this stage, it should take about 3-4hrs of cooking over low heat. through the whole process, it is important to keep stirring to prevent the meat from getting burned. do it as a routine rather cos it is not easy to determine whether it is burned or not as the colour of the meat is very dark due to the dark sauce and sugar (which would have caramelized over time). also, burned coriander powder will give the filling a bitter taste and you want to avoid that. you may also want to use a little more stock so that you extract some of the `juice' before the filling dries so that you can use it to cook the rice later. also, you can also consider using part of this `juice' to cook the winter melon separately. this will allow you make sure all chang has winter melons. stop the fire when your meat has dried up to the point when you hear the clackle of the oil. continue turning the filling for another few minutes to prevent the base layer from burning. (tip: i would do this step the night before and leave the meat in the fridge once it has cooled down. it is easier to do the filling when it is chilled).

cooking the rice
a typical nonya chang has parts of the rice dyed blue. to do so, you need to prepare the rice in two different portion. separate your rice and all the ingredients needed to prepare the rice into 2 portions - 4/5 and 1/5 of the total amount. the 4/5 portion will be used to cook the white portion of the nonya chang while the remaining 1/5 will be dyed blue. first cook the 4/5 portion. heat the oil in the wok in high heat. throw in the garlic to get the smell out. quickly, pour in the rice and fry it together with the garlic. add pandan leaves, add the seasonings, the extracted juice and just sufficient water (about a cup) to allow you to scald the rice (to a sticky but dry consistency). this should take no more than 3-4 minutes. this time would be just enough for the pandan leaves smell and the seasoning to sweeten the rice. a clear indication that your rice is ready is when it turns translucent and sticks together. once done, put the rice into a container. repeat the same process with the remaining 1/5 portion of the rice. this time, replace the clear water with the quarter cup of sky blue colouring. once done, you can proceed to wrap your chang.

wrapping the chang

cooking the chang
place the wrapped chang in boiling water to cook. the cooking time will vary depending on the size of you chang. if it is the small version, it should take about half hour. it is recommended that you cut out one and try in your first batch of chang to determine the cooking time for subsequent batches. you need to boil it the first time round. the chang can easily keep for a week. steam it or microwave it subsequently to warm it up before serving.

:-)

ps: portions highlighted in bold are the updates done after feedback from sam.

thinking about the dead

a friend's dad recently passed away. i could understand how he felt through the final few weeks. it brought back memories of my dad's final days too. and reading his blog today, i concluded one thing - that when a person passed on, he (or she) doesn't really leave us per se. his body may be gone, but he lives on in our hearts. forever. and ever. as long as we want to remember him. it's the same for my friend and his dad. it's the same for me and my dad, and my cousin, and my aunt, and everyone i know who had passed away...

:-)

blog followers

blog followers who follow silently and blog followers who comment anonymously. at times it got me thinking - what will i do and how will i react or respond when and if we were to meet? well, this is not a hypothetical question per se cos i have in actual fact met one person - sam. he is now a good friend of mine. but come to think of it, that is the only person. and based on my observations that i do have some rather frequent readers from as far away as uk, states, japan, s korea etc, i do wonder about whether i know them? or do they know my real person? who are they? how do they look like? how old are they? and so on...

hmmm.... anyway, am just capturing this passing thought. perhaps, it is better not to know too much. if things are meant to be, friendship will happen.

like it or not.

vegetarian dog

i started sapphie on the vegetarian hypo-allergenic food diet today. was supposed to slowly wean off the other animal-based version but since i had totally ran out of it, i had no choice but to give her the new vegetarian-base diet straight away. when i poured the dried food into the bowl, i was rather shock to see cream-coloured pallets dropping out of the bag. for a while, i thought they looked like white chocolate! and they don't have the typical pong that typical animal-based food carry. what was even more surprising was that sapphie came, took a look, a quick sniff and ate it straight away. it's so weird! she actually took to it like fish to water! and she did not even hesitate.

anyway, following the vet's advice, i started to give her more fruits. i gave her an apple in the evening. and just a while ago, i got another surprise, i gave her papaya and she ate it too! so many firsts today! let's hope she doesn't get diarrhea tonight!

heh heh...

:-)

sex steriods/ hormones

i went to arc again today to collect a sex steriod/ hormone cream for sapphie. been asked to use a syringe to extract 0.1ml of the cream and apply it on the inner surface of her ear. this will provide the much needed sex hormones that she lacks given that she had been neutered since she was 6 months old...

and yup, i was warned to wear gloves when i apply the cream onto her ears...

heh heh...

:-)

ps: and oh, she looks very much better today! although her sores are still there, the body is certainly not so red and the red spots seemed to have lessened somewhat! not too sure if it is due to the cleaned rugs or the medication, but i guessed they all contributed somewhat to her improvement. so happy!

standard phrases

was having tea with kars this afternoon and we somehow drifted to the topic of gaymen and excuses... and i thought - the most commonly used phrase i know that a closeted gaymen uses when asked if he's attached would be - "oh... errr, errr, yes, yes! i have a girlfriend. she is now studying in australia..."

and whenever i hear such a phrase, i would roll my eyes and wondered aloud "ya right! now, since when did anyone ask about whether it is a he or a she, and for that matter, what she is doing, and where is she doing what she is doing!"

:-)

broke months

usually mid-year is the time when i am most broke! need to renew road tax, car insurance, annual payment for personal insurance, pay income tax, la la la... and this year, this list include renewing my chiropractor package payment as well as medical fees for sapphie...

arghhhh....

can't wait for august to come!

:-(

new specs

finally after more than a week, i got my new pair of specs! hurray! no need to walk around like a blind person now. and of cos, no need to wear bee's specs...

:-)

arc... what a visit

brought sapphie to arc this evening. very impressed with the service and the friendliness of the staff. also, was rather glad the vet was very thorough with his questions and patience with all the answers and advices.

it was an interesting visit cos when i was there, a lady who had brought her cat there spoke with me while she was waiting for her medication. and she told me her cat had kidney problems. i shared with her about sapphie's rashes. i added that at times i felt rather helpless about it. the last thing i expected was that after saying i felt rather helpless, she broke down and cried as she herself felt helpless when it came to her cat's health.

also, what i thought was interesting was the fact that there were so so so so many gays and lesbians when i was there! it felt so good to feel so at home! heh heh... at one stage, there were like 5 gays (including me) and 2 lesbians! well, ok... not in a homo-erotic manner. rather, the whole atmosphere was one that was very unthreatening, friendly and open. and in a large way, it's like everyone was in a "i-know-you-are-and-you-know-i-am" kinda behaviour. rather interesting. but, ok, ok... the most important thing was the fact that i got a very very very good and satisfactory service from the clinic. the visit cost me more than 500 bucks! sighs! but it's money well spend if sapphie gets better after this!

:-)

vehicle check

wanted to get my car serviced followed by vehicle check at vicom before renewing my road tax. but decided to go ahead to do my car check yesterday. and well, i passed the test. heh heh... think i can now delay my car servicing for a while more...

:-)

possible causes of rash

have been systematically going through the various factors as i try to determine the cause of sapphie's rash... have so far ruled out, food, change in diet, possible fungus / pathogens on cloth that i used to clean her, and grass. i am already kinda my wits end as to what other possible factors to test. she is in a very bad state now and her body has come to the point where her fur is now probably 30% of what she used to have. when i bathed her this morning, i did not need to dry her to the extent of what i did the last time. in fact, due to her lack of fur now, her body dried up very fast! i supposed this is a positive point of having a near naked dog now... hahaha... ya, i need all my positive thinking power at this point to keep myself sane.

ok, anyway, with the recommendation of a kind blog reader (not too sure who he/ she is), i contacted animal recovery center (arc) this morning. had initially intended to bring sapphie there this morning. but it turned out the vet is on mc today. nonetheless, i proceeded to make an appointment for tomorrow. in addition, the nurse (i supposed) asked me for some further details. and after going through all the admin details as well as all the medical history and what i had done, he proceeded to ask me for details that could possibly cause the rash... and he went "food? change in diet? any treats? and strong detergents used on the floor?... and so on"... it was a no, no, no, no, and my mind went "oh... i did use rather strong washing powder and chlorox on my rugs... "... and come to think of it, sapphie has been sleeping on the rugs nightly. click!

hmmm... anyway, i made the appointment for tomorrow and quickly went on to wash all my rugs. this time, with totally no detergent, chlorox or any chemicals... need to get rid of any residues of chemical from previous washes! let's hope this is the causal factor that escaped me all these while!

:-)

busy weekend

heh heh... it seemed like there are tons of admin to be done over this weekend. and so before i forget them, i listed them down before i go to bed last night. it came out to more than 10 things... car inspection, give sapphie a bath, get sapphie to the vet, laundry, clean house, pay for car insurance, la di da... so, this morning has been most productive. wasted no time since morning to get things going... and i think i have done about half of them.

can now visit mum with lesser worries in my head...

:-)

end of week 1

today marks the end of the first week at work for me. feeling terribly tired. i guessed it was a case of me chasing time throughout the whole week. and it was made tighter by the fact that i had to visit mum at the hospital after work. so, almost everyday, it would be back to back schedule from my waking up at 7am till i come home at close to 10pm... and i don't even have proper time to do any housework or spent time with sapphie...

hmmm...

feeling tired now... so glad weekend is here.

:-)

my poor dog

there is nothing more distressing than to see your own dog suffer and there's totally nothing you can do about it... and that is exactly what is happening me now. yes, sapphie is in very bad shape. very very bad shape.

you see, she has had rashes for quite a few months now. when her rashes first appeared, i brought her to the vet where she was prescribed cream and steriods. she responded well to them. but it did not last long. whenever she went off the medication, the rashes would return. to manage this recurring rashes, the vets started her on steriods again. but over time, she gradually stop responding to medications (even steriods). by now, her body is totally covered with rashes. the skin all over her head, body, and legs is now bright pink and covered with red dots. these rashes also caused unbearable itch. to clear the itch at areas she could reach such as her face or her belly, she would lick and/ or scratch. for areas on her head where she could not reach, she would shake her head violently. as a result, her skin started to tear. and due to her violet head shaking, her blood vessels at the ear tips had also burst. so, now, both her ears also has large patches of dried sores. her left ear has also drooped as a result of the aural hepatoma. she is in really really bad shape now.

and there is nothing i can do about it except to try to distract her attention from her itch by playing with her. added to this, she has lost quite a bit of weight and she has also recently started tripping whenever she walks.

how?

discharged

mum got discharged today. the domestic help brought her home. and she was certainly glad to be able to reconnect with her little nonya over channel 8...

:-)

buddhist teacher

went for my first lesson today at the temple as a teacher. not too comfortable with people addressing me as teacher so-and-so. nonetheless, it was an interesting experience. lots of observations. most of which were people-related, competency issues, as well as (lack of) leadership issues. i felt rather uncomfortable about them. but i guessed i have to just suspend judgment, keep quiet and continue to observe. after all, being new, i need to respect the fact that there are legacy and relationship issues that i do not understand. but these are irrelevant to me committing my efforts to contribute to the school in whatever way i could.

reflecting, at end of the day, it is not about what i saw today. i should focus on the larger picture. today was but a data point in the many years that the school had existed, evolved and grown. also, many have passed through the doors and have contributed to it. some had left, many remained. these are no small feat. so set against this, i think what i saw today was insignificant. what's key was that there are people who believe in it and have continued to contribute to the school's existence and progress, and that the school is moving in the right direction. that, in itself, is the only thing that is important.

:-)

2nd day

was an interesting second day. was asked to attend a meeting at hq at the end of the day. not too sure of the things discussed as i was still feeling my way around. but from the look of how the meeting was run and the discussions that followed, it seemed like the meeting was dominated by one person - the big boss. but the way he was pushing it seemed to suggest that not everyone sees things in the same way and it seemed like what he saids was the law. and no one would reflect and discuss further once he said something. so, things seemed to move 3 steps forward, 2 steps back... i.e, very slow... hmmm... and looking at how things are, it seemed pretty clear that they are still not very clear about my job scope. so... yup, i think i will be able to have some flexibility to look at things from a system-perspective and influence my big boss during decision making processes... that was my initial feel. will have to continue to observe...

been a slow day again as i am still feeling my way around. but it was certainly quite a good and interesting end of the day.

lightened lips

mum's lips had been purplish red since last week. today, following her hospitalisation and treatment, it's pinkish colour has largely returned.

:-)

first day @ work

was a long day at work. but it was not a difficult day per se. it started off rather well with the corporate hr giving us (there was a total of 8 of us) a brief induction about the company and stuff. and then we were brought around the company headquarters. the programme ended about lunch time and we were dispersed. when i got to my office, everyone had gone for lunch but luckily, there was a chap sitting near the door. the moment he saw me, he asked if i was xxx. i said yes and he identified himself as my staff. not too long later, one more chap walked in, and this was also another of my staff. all 3 of us are new. it would be rather interesting in the coming few weeks to sit down and to chart our workscope.

met up with my boss after lunch and spent the whole afternoon in briefings after briefings. by the time it ended about 4-ish, my eyes were like closing already. felt rather drained by the information overload. then again, i was rather glad for these briefings. will be expecting more tomorrow... so... ya, that was my uneventful first day at work.

:-)

screwed up day

today is the last day of my so-called freedom and i had hoped to spent this day in a slow, relaxed and unplanned spontaneous manner. some of the things i hope to do include having an easy breakfast, go for my chiropractor treatment, a simple lunch at mum's place, followed by perhaps a tan at the pool, do some reading and then a simple early dinner before preparing for the start of my new phase of life tomorrow. but in the end, nothing turned out right. everything that could go wrong, went wrong. felt damned disappointed and irritated. here's what happened.

woke up at 8.15 am and noticed i got 11 missed calls. i panicked. i thought something happened to my mum. returned the call and mum said she wanted me to bring her to my family gp at marine parade to check her throat and mouth as they hurt. i felt super irritated for the fact that she had to call so many times despite having told her not to do so. and to imagine that the missed calls started from as early as 6plus in the morning! i went over to her place after my breakfast and just as i was about nearing kranji expressway, i got into a massive super duper traffic jam. when i finally reached her place, it was already late morning. my chiropractor treatment was supposed to be 11.30am. so i called to push it to 3pm. i picked her up and drove her to marine parade. along the way, i was so pissed off that i did not speak in a nice tone to her about not repeating her calls when she cannot get me. i was trying so hard to sound firm yet soft and not upset but i think i failed. and just before reaching the clinic, i decided to head towards sgh a&e instead. when i spoke with her during the journey, it struck me that her desire to want to see my family gp was purely becos she felt comfortable with him. but i felt we should head to sgh instead for i was cock sure her throat and mouth infection must be related to her recent bout of bronchitis. furthermore, they had all her medical history and records of medications given. initially mum resisted. but after some explanation, i managed to convince her.

we arrived at sgh close to noon. after dropping her off at the a&e, i only managed to find a car park lot some 1-plus km away. so by the time i reached the a&e, mum had been registered and was waiting to see the nurse. and it was so `lucky' that we had a grumpy nurse. made me feel even more pissed off but i held my cool. mum was placed on oxygen cos her oxygen level was found to be very low. not long after, the doctor came. he took a look at her and told me that it was not likely to be anything wrong. it was probably a case of her reacting to her bronchitis medication. the way he spoke to me, it was clear that he was telling me that that i had over-reacted by brinnging her to the hospital. nonetheless, he ordered for a blood test and an x-ray. and it was a whole afternoon of waiting. such a huge waste of time. i had to push my chiropractor treatment to 6pm by then. the blood test results came back at about 2.30pm and it was not until about an hour later before the doctor came to take a look. he confirmed her lungs were infected and told me she had to be warded. then it was more waiting and by the time she was warded, it was 4pm plus. feeling rather pissed off, i decided to go to the pool to take a bath before heading for my treatment. didn't want to go there smelling sweaty. then it rained. it rained cats and dogs. so... well, ok, i took my bath. went to parkway. got my treatment done. and remembered that i needed to get a new pair of specs. by the time all was done, it was about 6.30pm. i was supposed to meet bee at home before heading for dinner.

so, i came home. i thought everything would be fine. and i waited and waited and waited... and bee text me at 8pm telling me his meeting had just ended and that he would be sending his business partner home. this only meant late dinner... i am now typing this as my final entry before i start a new day tomorrow. it is now past 10pm. and i have not ironed my clothes nor packed my stuff. need to get myself mentally prepared too and then to sleep early. or at least, as early as i could.

:-(

ps: let's hope tomorrow will be a good start to a new phase in my life.

lung infections

mum has been hospitalized again today. this time round, it's for lung infection. let's hope she recovers fast from this one...

sighs.

weird dreams

not too sure about the reasons, but over the past couple of nights, i have had some difficulties getting to sleep and rather weird dreams. for example, last night, i dreamt about my previous job. and i dreamt about my ex-student telling me that i am not authorised to know what she was planning. and i also dreamed about people from my department being bunked in caged up areas... i think perhaps my subconscious is getting a little bit anxious about me getting back to work. yes, i will start work in 2 days time... or more accurately, in less than 40 hours time!

it's the end of my tai-tai lifestyle!

:-(

celebrating vesak 2554

today, we commemorated vesak 2554. in fact, we started the commemoration since the start of this lunar month by going on a vegetarian diet. and for me, i cut my hair as per usual. to commemorate the occasion itself, in addition to the usual 3-steps-1-bow ceremony with the usual group of friends (bee, schneider, kl and family), this year we also did 2 new things, namely liberating lives and we participated in a candle-light procession. but what i thought was significant and meaningful for me this year was the fact that there was a lot more discussion about buddhism between bee, myself and some of our friends. i thought this allowed us to deepen our understanding of buddhism itself. it also allowed me to better understand other people's perspective of the teachings. in addition, it was a reminder for me to constantly strive to improve myself and to adopt a positive attitude as i start a new phase in my working life next week. happy vesak 2554! :-)

3-steps-1-bow 2554

i did the 3-steps-1-bow again this year with bee, schneider, kl and his family. it was my 20th time if i recalled correctly. of cos the experience this time round was very similar to previous years. and as per usual, i made a lot of observations as i went through the ceremony. most of it were similar to what i wrote in previous years (eg 2008) and i shan't repeat them here. instead, i shall write about what went through my head as i did the 3-steps-1-bow. admittedly, many of these are less than noble and i hold no pretense about it. let me share some of them...

• a young chap (from hwa chong i supposed? cos he wore a hwa chong shorts) with a rather jock body joined the ceremony. he queued up behind us and i did not notice him. but after some distance, he caught up with us. i got distracted. i couldn't really see his face from the side. i wondered if he was cute. was he gay? how nice it would be if i could befriend him. i kept looking at him, observing the details. how he stood up, how he knelt, how he bowed, how he stood up again, the hairs on his legs, the neatly cut hairs on his head, etc. he wore black hwa chong shorts, he wore black mini-cut underwear and the rubber band layer has a red lining, he wore grey coloured track shoes, la la la... i was totally distracted. he took large steps and soon, he caught up with bee who was a few persons in front of me he did the 3-steps-1-bow alongside bee for a distance. did he shorten his steps just to be beside bee? did he steal glances at bee? if he did, why? does it imply he is gay if indeed he did? why did not not come alongside me? was i that bad-looking? was it because i was uncle-looking? that the thoughts went on from observing things outwards to questioning myself. with the realization of my distraction, i had to constantly remind myself to pull my focus back to my breathing and my deliberate steps.

• similar to that of the hwa chong chap, there was this chap in yellow t-shirt. late-20s? there was a number 45 sewn onto the back of the tee-shirt. he wore bermudas and slippers. no, he was not cute. yet i wondered if he was gay. again, i got distracted. but it was not because of my thoughts about his sexuality. somehow, when a person is not cute, the desire to want to know his sexuality is not as strong (yes, i am shallow here... lol). i got distracted by his silent ooos and ahhs as he went through the 3-steps-1-bow. the road surface was rough. and it was clear his knees and elbows hurt. it was obvious he struggled quite a bit. he perspired like a pig! i kept looking at his reactions as he knelt, bow, stood up... again, i had to remind myself to focus. and to bring myself back to my breathing and chanting... you can imagine how distracted i was when the hwa chong boy and this guy came beside me during one stretch of the ceremony...

• there were also occasions where i got myself into wrong focus. these were times when i passed by many by-standers. during these periods, i began to get self-conscious. did i do it correctly? did i look unglam? did i look like a pro? in short, i got so self-conscious that the source of my focus (intention) on the chanting and mindfulness was no longer pure. rather, it was vanity and ego that drove me to do it well... admittedly, of the 3 distractions that got me distracted, this last one was the most difficult to correct. and i failed badly here.

i am not shy to admit all these things that went through my head. and at the rate i am going, i think i need a lot of lifetimes before i could even get close to enlightenment! but what i acknowledge is this - while doing the 3-steps-1-bow is about remembering all the good of the great teacher, to gain merits and to purify oneself through right efforts of meditation and proper alignment of thoughts, it is certianly not easy. the ceremony is not an end in itself. due diligence must be given to the process of achieving it. this, i thought, is the most important. i have been trying to discipline myself to do it right and with the right intention. it has been 20 years and i am anything but close to achieving the ideals. and i acknowledge that i have a long way to go. i shall try harder in future. i will try harder. :-)

intentionality

recent papers have written about whether one should release animals. some people argued that liberating animals should not be done as these animals released usually die as a result of their inability to adapt to the environment. reasons offered include the inability of domesticated animals to adapt to the wild, wrong ecosystem leading to even more problems in the balance of nature. also, there were those who argued that releasing animals purchased from animal providers create a demand for it and as a result, translate to even more animals being caught from the wild. this only translates to harming more animal in the long run. however, some also insisted that saving lives need no further considerations about other factors. hmmm... it seemed like there were a lot of differing views. it was also obvious that there was no clear consensus amongst the buddhist community about whether this is a right or wrong thing to do. the result was that people get confused and end of the day, many people end up arguing over the act. this was precisely what many of my friends and i debated on over vesak. let me share my thoughts.

fundamentally, i think the act itself is right. nothing can be more noble than saving a life. but we need to discuss about the whole idea behind why a person does it (the concept of intentionality) and the context of how it is done and the impact of doing it before we can conclude how right this act is. yes, there are right and there are right-er acts. the intention to save the animal is noble and pure. no one can argue against it. and apart from giving the captured animal a second chance, the individuals earns immense merits and derive much good from the act itself. but i do ask - when a person releases the animals, is it really with the intention to save them or with the intention to earn the merits? if it is the latter, then, i think one misses the point altogether. instead, in the desire to earn merits, one may end up doing more harm than good. the result of this is more suffering resulting in negative karma on the person himself/ herself instead... this leads me to talk about context of an action. a people also need to recognise the context when they do the act of releasing animals. let's take a look at the following different contexts.

• firstly, in the context of a business chain, animals are caught for food, entertainment, etc. there is a demand for it. and if by purchasing these animals for the purpose of releasing them creates a demand such that more animals are harmed in the process, then it is probably not the best answer to do so. for the larger good, one might probably do better to use the money for other more noble acts such as contributing to animal shelters. as for those animal that were caught, perhaps it is their negative karma that they have to repay.

• secondly, in the context of a domesticated animal. it is clear that releasing them would probably kill them in the end. they do not have the ability to fend for themselves and/ or feed themselves. so, in this context, it might probably be better to continue to keep them, feed them and love them.

• thirdly, in the context of animals that was retrieved from the wild because it had suffered an injury or orphaned for whatever reasons. if this is the case, i agree that it would be most meritorious to nurse them back to health and release them back into the wild. before doing so, one should also make sure one prepares the animals adequately. desensitise them to humans, increase their wild instincts by training them in a simulated environment, etc... and after releasing them, one must make sure one monitors the animal is able to adapt to the environment before leaving them on their own.

these were some of my reflections and take on liberating lives/ releasing animals into the wild. it involved a lot of ethical reasoning. there are no right or wrong answers. instead, there are right answers and there are right-er answers. sometimes, a right answer at the action-level may not be very right at the system-level. perhaps, in such situations where one has to choose, one might want to ask - which of the answers is less bad, or which of both answers are more right? i used to think liberating animals is a noble act. i still do. but understanding the impact at the system-level now, i will certainly not buy an animal to release them.

such is the teachings of buddhism. often, there are no right or wrong. it forces one to think, to question and then to decide. in the context of releasing animals, i go back to my most fundamental question - what is your real intention when you release animals?

fang sheng - liberating of lives

went to jb to do it... i had a lot of thoughts about it. is it a good deed to do so? or are we simply creating a demand for it? frankly, i did not know. all along, i believed that saving lives is noble and pure. but after reading about how it impacts ecosystems and looking at pictures of dead released birds collected by forest rangers made me doubtful about the act... anyway, i went ahead to jb to do the releasing of the animals. i was curious about how it was done. it was an interesting trip. during the journey, i had an interesting discussion with bee about it. and at the end of the journey, i had a clear idea of my stand when it comes to releasing animals. shall blog about it later.

:-)

isn't love selfish?

how many of us ever enter a relationship for the other party? how many of us can say that we do things for our partners without the element of a self?

i do this for him. i do this for her. i do this for us... underlying all these, isn't there a big invisible - i am doing all these for myself, for my own ego, for my own satisfaction, for my own benefits, for my own happiness... even the simple act of buying flowers. i buy flower for my partner becos it makes him happy. and when he is happy, i am happy. hmmm... no?

think about it...

think about it deeply...

smelly

this may sound gross... but this year, bee and i noticed that despite being on vegetarian diet, both our fart and shit smelt terrible. added to that, our bowel movements were very erratic and they were either very sticky or diarrhea-like. so unlike last year where everything was odourless and our bowels movements were very fast and clean... hmmm...

ok, reading my above post, i also think i sounded gross...

hahaha!

ps: bee also asked if i should also post some pictures for this entry. eeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!

hfmd?

today when i called mum in the morning, she complained that her whole body ached. i told her it could be because she over-exerted herself yesterday from too much exercise. when i visited her, i noted that her whole tongue was red and full of ulcers. also, her lips were swollen, red and badly cracked. she said it was very painful. i immediately poured her some ice cold water and asked her to sip a mouthful and hold it in her mouth for some seconds before spitting it out. thankfully, it numbed her tongue and she felt a lot more better after that... the symptoms i saw was very much like those of hand foot mouth disease. but hmmm, if indeed it was hfmd, i wondered how did she got it. anyway, told my brother about it and asked that they do the necessary precautions to ensure the disease does not spread to my pregnant sister-in-law.

and i am still hoping it is not hfmd. and come to think of it, i also have mouth ulcers over the last week. but i did not show the very bad symptoms that mum showed. and today, my throat had started to feel sore. did i spread the virus to mum? hmmm... so many unknowns...

volunteering

two days ago, i wrote a mail to the temple asking for advice as to how i can become a volunteer teacher. yesterday, the temple got back to me with an application form and told me that that they will also arrange for an interview for me with the venerable this coming monday. when i heard that, i went into my oh-no-i-am-not-ready-and-would-sure-fail mode. haha... i think i have been in my job search mentality for too long.

well, today, i found out that the venerable interviewing me will be the one that taught me meditation. my impression is that she is rather strict and not too friendly. but knowing that it will be her interviewing me is a good start. then again, i asked myself why should i be nervous about the interview. if they find me not suitable, the most i don't give my service right? no loss at all. i am only volunteering. and with this thought, i became relaxed. i think i will tell them upfront that my knowledge is not necessarily tip top, but i am willing to offer my service in any capacity they deemed me appropriate for.

the rest is for them to decide...

:-)

yoko yoko

i have been buying yoko yoko for mum very often recently. she would use this for her bad knee and she had found it very effective for her pain management. her usage has increased tremendously recently given that she also used it for lots of other issues including headache, neckache, backache, sore muscles la la la... yup, you name it you have it. as long as it is an ache, her answer would be yoko yoko! i think if she is any younger, she could possibly be the poster girl for yoko yoko! and she can finish a large 82ml bottle in about 4-5 days! each bottle costs me about 7plus to 8 bucks (depending on whether it is the normal or odourless version) and that means a lot of monies used for it! hmm... so i did what i think most auntie would do. i applied for a watson card and shop at changi airport t3. i can get the points, and i will not be charged for gst. double gain... hurray (so auntie right? heh heh)...

she has asked me to top up her stock again 2 days ago. this came almost less than 3 weeks after i bought her 6 bottles! and so, i went back to changi t3 to buy the top up. and just like the last time, their stock was limited. and whenever i buy, i would clear all their stock. this time round, it was no different. then, an idea struck me - why not buy from the agent direct. hmmm. i noted down the contact details and called them today. i asked if they do retail and sells to individuals too. the initial answer was no, they do not do so as they only do bulk sales. so i pursued further and asked whether i could buy from them in bulk if that is what they do. the girl was surprised and asked for me to hold the line. when she got back, she told me they could sell me in units of cartons, each comprising 12 dozen bottles. and she quoted me a price of the carton. based on the price she quoted, i did a quick calculation and found that each bottle would cost me only 6 dollars! this translated to more than a dollar savings per bottle! ha! i ordered one carton immediately much to the girl's disbelief... well, by ordering a carton, it could possibly last mum a year and a half. and so, not only did i save money, it also saves me the efforts to make multiple trips to the pharmacy almost every other month!

:-)

botak again

once again, i cut off my headful of hair. had initially wanted to keep it considering i don't want to frighten people as i start work next week. then again i thought, my own spiritual commitments is more important. and for me, that means having my hair cut off before i participate in vesak celebrations. it is to remind me of the transcient nature of vanity and that i should not be attached to it.

:-)

monogamy

is monogamy over-rated?

anyone any views?

kancheong mum

as expected, mum has been showing signs of anxiety about me starting work on 1 june (next week). to prepare her mentally for this eventuality, i have deliberately cut down the frequency of my visits. also, once i got confirmation of my work, i have, at the earliest moments, told her about it. and i have time and again, reminded her that i would only be able to visit her on weekends once i start work. and in her usual self, she would happily accept it when i talk to her face-to-face as it meant i would be getting a salary henceforth. but once i leave her and come home, she would call me again asking if i would be starting work on 1 june. and she would repeatedly ask this question every other day. sometimes she would get her dates/ day wrong and end up getting even more anxious. for example, yesterday, she called me and remind me that i need to visit her as this would be my `last' visit this week. and today, just before i wrote this entry, she called me up telling me that 1 june is this coming saturday.

hmmm... i guessed she was anxious becos once i start work, apart from not being able to spent time with her, she probably thought she would have to make different arrangements with regards her "hong you" purchases, her visits to the temple, and so on. these are the things that i do for her and she probably thought my starting work would mean all these would come to an end... so, looking at it from this perspective, i can totally understand her anxiety... i think i need to put in more effort reassure her before next week comes...

:-)

end of job search

i signed the job completion form for the consultant management yesterday. with this signature, the service by the consultant management comes to an end and officially, so do my links with my previous organisation.

:-)

slow reflex sapphie

sapphie's skin has gotten worst day after day... have ruled out food, grass, wiping cloth as the cause. now i suspect it could be the medicated shampoo. might have caused her skin to dry to the point where she is now reacting against it. so today, decided to bath her using nothing other than just clean water. and this evening, i purchase a leave-in conditioner to moisturize her skin. hope it works...

as of now, i also noticed she has been getting rather slow. she would usually sleep along the corridor outside my room and would get up immediately when i walk out of my room. but these 2 days, i noticed that she was slow in her response. for that matter, she did not even get up when i walk out of my room. instead, she would get a startle when i walk next to her...

sighs...

longer or thicker penis?

i recieved a spam today titled: "do women prefer a longer or a thicker penis?" hmmm... what has this world become? that companies have to go so low (pun intended). so insulting right? ok, i was not talking about the content of the mail. i didn't even open it. rather, i was thinking about the stupidity of the question.

my quick reply in my mind was - depends on which women or what kinda women you are asking... such a stupid title insults the intelligence of most men. it does not work on them. lol!

:-)

security guard

when jeremy asked me what i will be working as, i told him "oh, i will be working as a security guard." and he immediately replied "really! where? ok la kor, it's still a job. u have my support." haha... such a sweet and cute tee of mine! love him so much! a person who sees you beyond your negatives and work and still stand by you as your brother is indeed so hard to find!

:-)

11th year

today would be the eleventh year for me and james if we are still together. 22 may 1999. it was a saturday too.

sqltd

the acronym for my position is `sqltd'. it is interesting cos it also looks like `sia limited'. heh heh... i seemed to have this affinity to sq. my dad was a staff of sats for 45 years and i grew up under the shadows of sq. and when i left service the first time, i applied to lots of jobs but only sq called me up for interviews. in the end, i joined them. and this time round, although i did not join sia, my position title carries the exact acronym as the sia company.

heh heh...

james & dominic

i wrote about selective memory earlier. i had written it as part of a larger reflection that i did after dominic commented on my post titled "not pink-dotted". i decided to post it separately so as not to convolute this posting. my reflections after his comment made me realize that despite moving on, i had not been able to fully let go of my relationship with james, or more specifically, james. and regretfully, dominic got dragged in becos he was james' colleague and closest friend.

let me talk about dominic first. when i got the comment from him, i felt very surprised and disturbed. surprised for that fact that he knew about my blog and had probably followed it. then again, it is in the public domain and any person would be able to reach it. in his comment, he mentioned about me having selective memory and how i have constantly made him a scapegoat in my break up with james. admittedly, i did not take it too well to his comment initially and wrote something rather defensive. but after a couple of seconds of getting myself composed again, i decided to delete them and not to comment on them. i have always stated and maintained that my blog is a reflection of my thoughts and my perspective of things. and i made no apologies if i come across as rather self-righteous and self-indulgent. i think it is natural and to be expected. and that is what i liked about blogging. it allowed me to talk to myself and shape my thoughts as i reflect after writing. anyway, after replying his comment, i thought deeper into his words. did i really insisted on making him a scapegoat? well, perhaps i have sounded like i did but that was not my intention nor what i meant. perhaps what i reflected in this blog accentuated a certain angle of my perspectives of things. and i do admit my perception of him was not a positive one on the whole. my perception of him was a result of my f2f interactions with him, my sms correspondences with him and assumptions made about him from people's inputs. this picture of him will never be the same as the picture he thinks himself to be and his comments in my blog confirmed that. i don't think he will ever know how large his presence was during those days. and his reactions to me during my break-up with james simply reinforced my negative perception of him. but with his comment and his apology, i think i should finally put things to rest. forgive and forget. frankly, as i type this, i am reminded that forgiving people is about giving myself a chance in life. it will not be easy but i need to try.

now, about james. i always feel very disturbed by anything that brings back memories about my past with james. this was how i felt when i read dominic's comment. in fact, i was trembling when i wrote my reply to his comment. while i do treasure the times with james and the memories of our past, i still have thoughts of me being the victim. it was a very emotional thing for me. a friend told me that james attributed what happened in our past to age - and that we were just living our age. i do not fully agree with that but that was his views and i respect them. i have moved on and we are now on cordial terms. but admittedly, i still do not really have a closure to the years of neglect leading to the eventual end of the relationship despite the fact that i was the one who initiated the break up. i had harboured hopes of him apologizing to me. i had hoped that we could be best of friends. but i think this is not possible. i am sure he has a different perspective to why we broke off and would prefer not to be reminded of me. furthermore, he is simply not the type who would think of the past.

i guessed this is one chapter of my life that i need to learn to let go. i cannot let these thoughts and misgivings affect my life.

cctv

i did not realize until thomas told me... the pool is full of cctvs!

argh!