yesterday i got angry and in my anger, i raised my voice at mum. thinking about it, i have calmed down a lot over the last decade. yes, i mean "a lot"! people who had known me since 10 years ago would probably be able to share with you how i would burst into anger regularly. but i had overcome that. nowadays, when i get angry, i would at most raise my voice. and that would be rather infrequent. but i got angry yesterday. and it was probably due to all my pent up frustrations over the past 2 years...
it all started in the morning when my brother chided me (in his smses) for letting mum talk to my 2nd sis (whom he has a long misunderstanding with). i learnt from my mum later that she had told him about it. i was not happy for that fact that i did so with the mutual understanding that it was not to be told to my brother. and i had done so given that she had wanted to talk to my 2nd sis but could not do so when she was at home. and now, suddenly i became the one at fault. and through my brother's smses yesterday, i also realized that my mum's loose rantings about money issues had also deepened his misunderstandings about me. this whole thing simply reminded me of the period just before my dad's demise 2 years ago when things were really challenging emotionally. i ended up chiding her for directly causing all these unnecessary problems and rifts. i told her that her behaviour was really irresponsible and that she should have been more careful with her words. i told her i was really sad that all these things were happening because of her.
what i did not know was that my eldest sis (who had stopped talking to me since my dad's demise) was beside her while i was on the phone with my mum. the next thing i knew, she snatched the phone from my mum and started scolding me and accusing me of torturing my mum. and we ended up arguing with each other. finally, she cut the line halfway through my sentence. her snatching of the phone also took my mum by surprise and i could hear my mum in the background telling her things were not what she thought it was. the whole incident was an unpleasant one. i was really pissed off. thinking about it, i felt very sad. sad for the fact that all my siblings had reached a point where the animosity between one another was so strong that confrontation would certainly occur when we meet. and i am sure this would happen sooner or later. and what made me even frustrated was the fact that i had tried so hard to smoothen things out with the hope that the anger would dissipate over time. yet, but time and again, i have my parents to destroy all my efforts. it was the same with my dad. and it is happening now with my mum. i told myself i cannot really blame my mum for she is old and often forgets things, but on the other hand, it was so damned bloody frustrating.
reflecting, perhaps it is just good to let things be. if fights and confrontations occur, so be it. it is useless trying to stop unstoppable things. it is also impossible to wish away my brother's tensions with my 2nd sis or for that matter, my eldest sis's tensions with me. my experience tells me that the more i try, the more likely i would end up being confronted myself. i have tried very hard for the last 2 years. things seemed to start improving over the last 4-5 months. at least there were no verbal confrontations. then this has to happen. perhaps i should just resign to fate. just let things take it's course. i am tempted to just say, perhaps it is my mum's karma that my brother had stopped her from talking to my 2nd sis and vice versa, or my 2nd sis's karma should she end up getting beatened by my brother. yet on the other hand, i feel so defeated.
frankly, i feel rather lost.
sighs...
it all started in the morning when my brother chided me (in his smses) for letting mum talk to my 2nd sis (whom he has a long misunderstanding with). i learnt from my mum later that she had told him about it. i was not happy for that fact that i did so with the mutual understanding that it was not to be told to my brother. and i had done so given that she had wanted to talk to my 2nd sis but could not do so when she was at home. and now, suddenly i became the one at fault. and through my brother's smses yesterday, i also realized that my mum's loose rantings about money issues had also deepened his misunderstandings about me. this whole thing simply reminded me of the period just before my dad's demise 2 years ago when things were really challenging emotionally. i ended up chiding her for directly causing all these unnecessary problems and rifts. i told her that her behaviour was really irresponsible and that she should have been more careful with her words. i told her i was really sad that all these things were happening because of her.
what i did not know was that my eldest sis (who had stopped talking to me since my dad's demise) was beside her while i was on the phone with my mum. the next thing i knew, she snatched the phone from my mum and started scolding me and accusing me of torturing my mum. and we ended up arguing with each other. finally, she cut the line halfway through my sentence. her snatching of the phone also took my mum by surprise and i could hear my mum in the background telling her things were not what she thought it was. the whole incident was an unpleasant one. i was really pissed off. thinking about it, i felt very sad. sad for the fact that all my siblings had reached a point where the animosity between one another was so strong that confrontation would certainly occur when we meet. and i am sure this would happen sooner or later. and what made me even frustrated was the fact that i had tried so hard to smoothen things out with the hope that the anger would dissipate over time. yet, but time and again, i have my parents to destroy all my efforts. it was the same with my dad. and it is happening now with my mum. i told myself i cannot really blame my mum for she is old and often forgets things, but on the other hand, it was so damned bloody frustrating.
reflecting, perhaps it is just good to let things be. if fights and confrontations occur, so be it. it is useless trying to stop unstoppable things. it is also impossible to wish away my brother's tensions with my 2nd sis or for that matter, my eldest sis's tensions with me. my experience tells me that the more i try, the more likely i would end up being confronted myself. i have tried very hard for the last 2 years. things seemed to start improving over the last 4-5 months. at least there were no verbal confrontations. then this has to happen. perhaps i should just resign to fate. just let things take it's course. i am tempted to just say, perhaps it is my mum's karma that my brother had stopped her from talking to my 2nd sis and vice versa, or my 2nd sis's karma should she end up getting beatened by my brother. yet on the other hand, i feel so defeated.
frankly, i feel rather lost.
sighs...
3 comments:
Maybe it's not a pent up feeling but rather a build up of stress with your busy schedule.
There's so much to do, so little time and yet things are not going the way it should (or people are not responding in the way you wanted). Frustrating isn't it?
I blow up very often too. Mostly I regret it when I calm down. So I acnnot teach you how to control your anger.
However, do give your mother a call and apologise (regardless of whether you got the rights of the argument or not). Apologise for raising your voice.
If you overcome the hurdle and apologise for losing your cool. The likelihood of it recurring will diminish in time to come.
Don't give yourself time to think of excuses. Get to the phone NOW !!
regards
Sam
thanks for the reminder. done!
:-)
2 thumbs up!!!
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