here i am, once again, penning my final entry for the year. this has been a difficult year for me on most fronts. and for a very long time, i was not able to find a suitable descriptor for this year. and short of a better word, i’ll christen 2008 a year of loss.
family
this was one of the most difficult front for me this year. as expected, both my parent’s health continued to deteriorate, first dad, then mum. for dad, he continued to weaken and had quiet a few falls in the early parts of the year. he eventually came down with several illnesses including suspected liver cancer, failing kidneys and so on. his deteriorating health eventually led him to his departure from us in aug 08. as for my mum, after staying with me for the last 3 years, she finally moved out after dad’s demise. in a way, it was unplanned for for she wanted to move out temporarily to settle dad’s post funeral 100th-day rites. then, on the 99th day after dad’s passing on, she herself fell ill. she was hospitalized twice – first for pneumonia and then for stomach ulcer – both within a span of 3 weeks. luckily, she pulled through both. nonetheless, her well-being was badly affected and she has weakened to the point where she can no longer walk steadily. she now needs a wheelchair when she leaves the house. the domestic helper that was meant to look after dad came after his demise and now looks after mum. and given that the helper was registered under my brother's address, my mum will continue to put up with him.
my dad's illness over several months and his eventual demise took its toll on the relationships between my siblings and i. between my eldest sister and i, she has stopped talking to me after my dad’s demise. i am not sure of the reasons, but i believe my threatening her following her insisting that we convert dad before his demise could be one of the main reasons. i simply cannot allow her to proceed and convert dad without his own consent and in his state of incoherence, not to mention he had already given clear instructions how he wanted his funeral to be arranged. between my brother and i, he `disowned’ me and threatened to beat me up once. this was following a request i made to him to help me talk to my dad about his behaviour. to a large extent, i believe it was him venting his decades of frustrations. this intense exchange of words also saw him threatening to out me to my relatives. that, in a way, was my coming out to him. the only silver lining out of these difficult times was that the constant interactions between my second sis and i led to a better relationship between us. i am not optimistic about my relationship with my brother and my eldest sister in the long run. nonetheless, as i have mentioned and expected, the family will break once my mum leaves us. so for me, 2008 was technically the year where i lost my dad, and to a large extent, my family.
looking ahead, my only hope is that mum will continue to have a healthy year ahead.
relatives
i feel the need to include a new para on relatives for they played a huge part in my life this year. there was a renewal of contacts between me and some of my mum’s side relatives. because of my brother’s insistence in keeping our family news from my mum’s side due to his biased views about them, they were kept out of the developments in my family - including my dad’s demise as well as my mum’s several hospitalizations. while i did not agree with him about keeping news from them, i went along with it for i did not want to see things get out of hand. it was after dad’s funeral that i called up a couple of them to inform them of the news. they were naturally rather disappointed and unhappy about us not keeping them in the loop about dad’s demise and my only explanation was that this was dad’s wish and that i had to respect it. i believed they have sensed something amiss. anyway, my eldest cousin (my mum’s side) had been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer early dec 08. hope she can manage the diagnosis well.
as for my dad’s side, i must say events leading up to his demise and the subsequent ritual arrangements allowed me to see and experience another side of his siblings. i could see inter-sibling anger and disagreements and most importantly, how they have focused on the positive aspects of things and coexisted accepting each others' differences instead. for me personally, i had my own tensions when i felt my aunt had gone too far and intruded into my family affairs. but looking from another perspective, it reflected the closeness between her and my dad and how she had supported us (my dad's family). for that i am thankful. in a special way, i admire their closeness as a family and i do not think i will ever achieve similar with my siblings nor will i get the same support from them when i die.
friends
as usual, some previously rather close friends/ group of friends have disappeared or lessened their interactions in 2008. whether it was a deliberate act or not, i think it was not important. but rather, i see it as a function of a widening distance due to lessened contact, and perhaps different frequencies. for some of them, i personally felt a slight sense of betrayal given the efforts su how and i had put in previous years for one or two of them. then again, i reminded myself that there was no need to look back, feel betrayed or get sentimental over. making friends should not come with expectations. and much as there was a start, there would be an end. it’s a natural progression of things.
on a brighter note, i had also made some new friends - francis, thomas, ming, kevin and so on. they have shared many aspects of their lives with me and i thank them for the trust. and there was also the rekindling of ties with friends whom i had previously lost/ lessened contacts over the years - justin, lay pheng, hwee2, bunny... just to name some of them. for some of them, the rekindling of old ties allowed me to establish deeper levels of trust and sharing. most important of all, there were those who have stuck by me for the longest times and i am blessed to have them band around me (as usual) this year. they have been a source of encouragement to me many a times. to all my friends - the old, the new, the new old - i thank you all for your friendship.
increasingly, as the years catch on, i realized that it is friends who would be the main source of support for me, both gays and straights alike. guess it is nothing to be sad about. it is perhaps a common thing for gay men. for us, friends are our family and this, perhaps is something that a straight person would not be able to fully appreciate.
health
i have generally been healthy in 2008. there was the usual bouts of flu, fevers, and so on. but these were normal and there were no significant changes in this regard. err… perhaps in my waistline. heh heh… a case of decreasing metabolic rates i supposed. also, the usual pains, aches and problems were all related to the aging process and worsening cervical spondylosis. otherwise, there was really nothing that i should be extra concern about. and as i go into 2009, i will have to continue with my physiotherapy, manage my health, my food intake and of course manage my weight...
work
with regards work-life, things had been rather uneventful. this was my third year on the job and i guessed i have found my own water-level. as people always mentioned – first year you learn, second year you try, third year you adjust and apply. as for the security department, the drill of keeping them informed of my trips overseas continue.
middle of the year, my boss tried to get me to extend my service for another 3-5 years. but with the security side's disagreement, he finally gave up trying. despite all the assurance that the system is open to people of different sexuality (read `gay'), unstated rules and practices on the ground indicate otherwise. anyway, i continued my networking efforts and there were occasions where i actually thought i could get somewhere. my networking efforts came to a temporary halt when i eventually got my service successfully extended till jul 09. this extension was to allow me to achieve 10-yr continuous service so as to enjoy post-retirement medical and tax-free retirement benefits.
on the study-front, i have finally completed my masters programme and graduated in jul 08 with a masters in instructional designs and technology. this allowed me to add to my curriculum vitae an additional credential and i am sure would help in my career transitioning.
personal life
things remained stable between me and su how this year, our 3rd year. thru the year, we both had our own tensions with our personal life and work. for me, it was about my studies and my eventual extension of service. for him, it was his trouble with the force, his eventual departure from it and his business venture with (ice cream & waffle) james and company. there were of course some slight tensions between us occasionally. the most significant to me was when i made my decision to hand over to him the bank account. to me, it wasn’t a simple act of handing back the account, apart from my worry that the money may not be used for the right purpose, it also meant the loosening up of the relationship and the lack of trust he has in me. but upon reflecting, it eventually dawned upon me that it was his money after all and that he should ultimately be responsible for it. more importantly, i will also have to give him my trust and not fall into my own trap of nannying him as i had with james (my ex). for what’s mine will be mine. what’s not will not regardless of whatever account etc that i may want to hold on to.
as for james (my ex), circumstances had had him moving his things out of the house eventually sometime jul this year. this, and the final renovation of my house saw the final erasure of all physical signs of james' stay in this house. and these, in a way, also signified the final end of the chapter. other than that, things between me and him remained somewhat cold and distant. he is now attached to jack and i do hope things are well between them. my correspondences with him remained the same – smses and that he continued to reply whenever he felt like it. whatever the case, i have stopped feeling frustrated by his late or lack of responses already. to date, he continued to bring sapphie out every other month.
finance-wise, this year was terrible. the financial tsunami saw my investments being depleted by more than half. then again, i shall not be too upset by it. yes, it certainly caused a big strain in my ability and buffer to manage my immediate housing and car loans when i leave service. but i should be able to tighten my belt and hold onto whatever i have at least for the next year or so. hopefully by then, things will get better…
conclusion
as i conclude this year’s reflection, i would say 2008 had been a defining year for me. as mentioned previously in my last year's reflection, 2008 was predicted to be a challenging one for me in many aspects. and it certainly was, especially on the family and finance front. the countdown would start in less than 8hrs’ time. have called su how to tell him i will be cooking dinner. western, fish and chips, without the chips but with lots of salad. it will be a quiet dinner, one that is most appropriate to sent off 2008. every signs point to a better year ahead for me and i certainly look forward to it.
gladly, i bid 2008 adios. welcome 2009.
family
this was one of the most difficult front for me this year. as expected, both my parent’s health continued to deteriorate, first dad, then mum. for dad, he continued to weaken and had quiet a few falls in the early parts of the year. he eventually came down with several illnesses including suspected liver cancer, failing kidneys and so on. his deteriorating health eventually led him to his departure from us in aug 08. as for my mum, after staying with me for the last 3 years, she finally moved out after dad’s demise. in a way, it was unplanned for for she wanted to move out temporarily to settle dad’s post funeral 100th-day rites. then, on the 99th day after dad’s passing on, she herself fell ill. she was hospitalized twice – first for pneumonia and then for stomach ulcer – both within a span of 3 weeks. luckily, she pulled through both. nonetheless, her well-being was badly affected and she has weakened to the point where she can no longer walk steadily. she now needs a wheelchair when she leaves the house. the domestic helper that was meant to look after dad came after his demise and now looks after mum. and given that the helper was registered under my brother's address, my mum will continue to put up with him.
my dad's illness over several months and his eventual demise took its toll on the relationships between my siblings and i. between my eldest sister and i, she has stopped talking to me after my dad’s demise. i am not sure of the reasons, but i believe my threatening her following her insisting that we convert dad before his demise could be one of the main reasons. i simply cannot allow her to proceed and convert dad without his own consent and in his state of incoherence, not to mention he had already given clear instructions how he wanted his funeral to be arranged. between my brother and i, he `disowned’ me and threatened to beat me up once. this was following a request i made to him to help me talk to my dad about his behaviour. to a large extent, i believe it was him venting his decades of frustrations. this intense exchange of words also saw him threatening to out me to my relatives. that, in a way, was my coming out to him. the only silver lining out of these difficult times was that the constant interactions between my second sis and i led to a better relationship between us. i am not optimistic about my relationship with my brother and my eldest sister in the long run. nonetheless, as i have mentioned and expected, the family will break once my mum leaves us. so for me, 2008 was technically the year where i lost my dad, and to a large extent, my family.
looking ahead, my only hope is that mum will continue to have a healthy year ahead.
relatives
i feel the need to include a new para on relatives for they played a huge part in my life this year. there was a renewal of contacts between me and some of my mum’s side relatives. because of my brother’s insistence in keeping our family news from my mum’s side due to his biased views about them, they were kept out of the developments in my family - including my dad’s demise as well as my mum’s several hospitalizations. while i did not agree with him about keeping news from them, i went along with it for i did not want to see things get out of hand. it was after dad’s funeral that i called up a couple of them to inform them of the news. they were naturally rather disappointed and unhappy about us not keeping them in the loop about dad’s demise and my only explanation was that this was dad’s wish and that i had to respect it. i believed they have sensed something amiss. anyway, my eldest cousin (my mum’s side) had been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer early dec 08. hope she can manage the diagnosis well.
as for my dad’s side, i must say events leading up to his demise and the subsequent ritual arrangements allowed me to see and experience another side of his siblings. i could see inter-sibling anger and disagreements and most importantly, how they have focused on the positive aspects of things and coexisted accepting each others' differences instead. for me personally, i had my own tensions when i felt my aunt had gone too far and intruded into my family affairs. but looking from another perspective, it reflected the closeness between her and my dad and how she had supported us (my dad's family). for that i am thankful. in a special way, i admire their closeness as a family and i do not think i will ever achieve similar with my siblings nor will i get the same support from them when i die.
friends
as usual, some previously rather close friends/ group of friends have disappeared or lessened their interactions in 2008. whether it was a deliberate act or not, i think it was not important. but rather, i see it as a function of a widening distance due to lessened contact, and perhaps different frequencies. for some of them, i personally felt a slight sense of betrayal given the efforts su how and i had put in previous years for one or two of them. then again, i reminded myself that there was no need to look back, feel betrayed or get sentimental over. making friends should not come with expectations. and much as there was a start, there would be an end. it’s a natural progression of things.
on a brighter note, i had also made some new friends - francis, thomas, ming, kevin and so on. they have shared many aspects of their lives with me and i thank them for the trust. and there was also the rekindling of ties with friends whom i had previously lost/ lessened contacts over the years - justin, lay pheng, hwee2, bunny... just to name some of them. for some of them, the rekindling of old ties allowed me to establish deeper levels of trust and sharing. most important of all, there were those who have stuck by me for the longest times and i am blessed to have them band around me (as usual) this year. they have been a source of encouragement to me many a times. to all my friends - the old, the new, the new old - i thank you all for your friendship.
increasingly, as the years catch on, i realized that it is friends who would be the main source of support for me, both gays and straights alike. guess it is nothing to be sad about. it is perhaps a common thing for gay men. for us, friends are our family and this, perhaps is something that a straight person would not be able to fully appreciate.
health
i have generally been healthy in 2008. there was the usual bouts of flu, fevers, and so on. but these were normal and there were no significant changes in this regard. err… perhaps in my waistline. heh heh… a case of decreasing metabolic rates i supposed. also, the usual pains, aches and problems were all related to the aging process and worsening cervical spondylosis. otherwise, there was really nothing that i should be extra concern about. and as i go into 2009, i will have to continue with my physiotherapy, manage my health, my food intake and of course manage my weight...
work
with regards work-life, things had been rather uneventful. this was my third year on the job and i guessed i have found my own water-level. as people always mentioned – first year you learn, second year you try, third year you adjust and apply. as for the security department, the drill of keeping them informed of my trips overseas continue.
middle of the year, my boss tried to get me to extend my service for another 3-5 years. but with the security side's disagreement, he finally gave up trying. despite all the assurance that the system is open to people of different sexuality (read `gay'), unstated rules and practices on the ground indicate otherwise. anyway, i continued my networking efforts and there were occasions where i actually thought i could get somewhere. my networking efforts came to a temporary halt when i eventually got my service successfully extended till jul 09. this extension was to allow me to achieve 10-yr continuous service so as to enjoy post-retirement medical and tax-free retirement benefits.
on the study-front, i have finally completed my masters programme and graduated in jul 08 with a masters in instructional designs and technology. this allowed me to add to my curriculum vitae an additional credential and i am sure would help in my career transitioning.
personal life
things remained stable between me and su how this year, our 3rd year. thru the year, we both had our own tensions with our personal life and work. for me, it was about my studies and my eventual extension of service. for him, it was his trouble with the force, his eventual departure from it and his business venture with (ice cream & waffle) james and company. there were of course some slight tensions between us occasionally. the most significant to me was when i made my decision to hand over to him the bank account. to me, it wasn’t a simple act of handing back the account, apart from my worry that the money may not be used for the right purpose, it also meant the loosening up of the relationship and the lack of trust he has in me. but upon reflecting, it eventually dawned upon me that it was his money after all and that he should ultimately be responsible for it. more importantly, i will also have to give him my trust and not fall into my own trap of nannying him as i had with james (my ex). for what’s mine will be mine. what’s not will not regardless of whatever account etc that i may want to hold on to.
as for james (my ex), circumstances had had him moving his things out of the house eventually sometime jul this year. this, and the final renovation of my house saw the final erasure of all physical signs of james' stay in this house. and these, in a way, also signified the final end of the chapter. other than that, things between me and him remained somewhat cold and distant. he is now attached to jack and i do hope things are well between them. my correspondences with him remained the same – smses and that he continued to reply whenever he felt like it. whatever the case, i have stopped feeling frustrated by his late or lack of responses already. to date, he continued to bring sapphie out every other month.
finance-wise, this year was terrible. the financial tsunami saw my investments being depleted by more than half. then again, i shall not be too upset by it. yes, it certainly caused a big strain in my ability and buffer to manage my immediate housing and car loans when i leave service. but i should be able to tighten my belt and hold onto whatever i have at least for the next year or so. hopefully by then, things will get better…
conclusion
as i conclude this year’s reflection, i would say 2008 had been a defining year for me. as mentioned previously in my last year's reflection, 2008 was predicted to be a challenging one for me in many aspects. and it certainly was, especially on the family and finance front. the countdown would start in less than 8hrs’ time. have called su how to tell him i will be cooking dinner. western, fish and chips, without the chips but with lots of salad. it will be a quiet dinner, one that is most appropriate to sent off 2008. every signs point to a better year ahead for me and i certainly look forward to it.
gladly, i bid 2008 adios. welcome 2009.
3 comments:
That is a good through description of 2008 though a bit drama for some parts. All the best for 2009 : )
life's a stage :-)
thanks for the well wishes and may 2009 be a healthy and happy one for you too Jus!
Jeffrey
hey, thanks w. oh, actually, i bought something for you when i visited kl last month. will pass to you sometime :)
cheers!
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