Flu

My body started feeling weird a couple of days back, and I began sneezing badly yesterday morning. By evening, my nose was dripping like crazy. I woke up this morning feeling a tad feverish and my throat felt scratchy - yup, it looks like the onset of a cold/ flu. 

I’ve been drowning myself in vitamin C and water these past few days. I hope it doesn’t deteriorate too much. The last time I came down with a horrible flu was in the first week of June last year - exactly 6 months ago - and I thought I’d managed to maintain my health record. Sigh!

What a bummer…

Below 63kg!

My weight and body fat last morning was 62.95kg and 12% respectively.

The last time I weighed below 63kg was probably some 3-4 decades ago. As of this morning, I was still holding onto the below-63kg weight at 62.90kg. I have always wanted to keep my weight to between 62.5 - 62.8kg and often this target seemed too unreal, until recently. But of cos, what's most important it to keep healthy. 

Yay!

LinkedIn Account Hacked

My LinkedIn account was hacked 2 days ago by someone in Vietnam.

I received an email in the evening asking me to enter a verification code into my LinkedIn account. I didn’t quite understand what it was about, so I ignored it. Not long after that, I received another email informing me that the email address associated with my LinkedIn account had been changed - to a Western-sounding name. Sensing something amiss, I immediately tried to log in, only to be told that the email and password I entered were invalid.

That was just the start of the nightmare. 

I created a dummy account to search for my profile and confirmed that it was still there. I quickly reported the issue to LinkedIn. After several rounds of back-and-forth emails, which included providing my identification, I was informed that my ID could not be accepted and that I had violated LinkedIn’s terms. I was then told that my account would be frozen and that I would no longer be able to access it. To make matters worse, the customer support representative ended the email curtly with, “This will be my last response to you on this matter.” As the victim, I was made to feel as though I was the problem.

To make things even more surreal, yesterday, I received a WhatsApp message from a local LinkedIn sales team member asking me to complete a form about hiring and talent products that I had supposedly requested. I ignored the message and deleted it. Early this morning, the same person called to follow up on that “request”. I told her I had never asked for any such services and that my account had been hacked. To her credit, she was kind enough to point me to a support link where I could seek help. So… I went through the same process again and wrote in once more. 

Let’s see where this leads.

Sighs...

PS: I asked myself if this is a good opportunity to let go of the account and just create a new one. Fresh start perhaps, but I feel tired just thinking of going through the whole hassle of recreating the account!

Afternote: LinkedIn has reinstated my account this evening using a different email. As a safeguard, I changed my password and activated F2A.

Food Food Food!

I’m starting 2026 with my fridge bursting with food. 

My sister and friends have been visiting over the past few days. The amount of food they brought over is absolutely not humanly possible to finish within one or two days! I had no choice but to go into selective freezing mode. 

My fridge now has grilled corn, lasagne, sandwiches, fried bee hoon, braised chicken, stir-fried vegetables, cooked rice, 3 tubs of ice cream, cakes, durian, dragon fruit, bananas and clementines - and that’s not counting the tau kwa, egg tofu and all the raw stuff that I had stocked up…

I did not foresee this and had purchased snacks last couple of weeks: tau sar piah, keropok belinjau, cashew nuts, peanuts, raisins and preserved Buddha’s palm. 

Maintaining my diet is now officially a challenge!

Being Wealthy

I have an observation: F-ing filthy rich people tend to be extremely sensitive about money. So much so that it becomes unhealthy sometimes - especially when it starts to shape their worldview and attitude towards others. 

Here are two examples.

Person A 

This person has always loved money. He worked as a trader his entire career and retired some years back. After stopping work, he continues trading daily and supposedly make a good amount monthly. He hunts across different supermarkets for the best prices - including $2 “uglies”, fruits that no longer look fresh and are heavily discounted. He knows exactly which place sells an item a few cents cheaper than another.

His social circle mainly consists of ex-colleagues - in other words, filthy rich people. Over time, he developed a tendency to look down on people who are less well-off. He often makes remarks like, “I’m up here, they’re down there.” He is extremely careful about what he says when interacting with his friends, often suspecting that they are eyeing his wealth.

With me, he would sometimes subtly brag about his wealth - perhaps unconsciously, but it does reflect something about him. He once told me he’s glad to have me as a friend because I’m not eyeing his wealth or trying to gain something from him. That was a real eye-roll moment for me - but also a sad one.

Friend B

Friend B is a nice person. He worked in Singapore’s banking sector for many years. He retired in his 40s, almost a decade ago. He currently lives on several passive income streams he had established during his earlier years. He enjoys travelling and does about 4 - 5 overseas trips annually. 

Amongst my friends, he is probably the most informed person when it comes to promos - food promos, to be specific. This includes which place has the best lunch deal, where to get the cheapest meals, which supermarket to get the best priced food, etc. This is also where I sometimes struggle when eating with him. 

When we meet for meals, he would ask where I’d like to go or what I’d like to eat, but he would usually counter my suggestion with his promo alternatives. I have since learned to go along with his suggestion, even when I have something else in mind. I’m not too particular about where or what to eat. It’s the company that matters. Also, I value convenience over price, although once a while, I would splurge and reward myself with something nice, even if it’s expensive.

I guess wealth shapes a person in ways beyond their control sometimes. And that brings me back to my point: rich people tend to be very money-conscious. And that's not a bad thing altogether. What's bad is when such wealth coexist with extreme frugality and when they begin to look down on people. But it got me thinking, maybe their being extra money-conscious is why they’re rich. And maybe that’s why I’m not. 

Haha.

Focus for 2026

Here’re the key areas of focus for me in 2026:

• Remain grounded in gratitude
• Live with purpose and compassion
• Embrace vulnerability and courage
• Nurture relationships that matter
• Deepen my spiritual practice
• Care for my health and well-being

They are not resolutions per se, but a set of principles to guide me in how I will conduct my life this year.

2025 - Grounded, then Surrendered

Preface

This entry took me more than a month to write, even with some help from ChatGPT. It has been one of the hardest pieces I’ve written in a long time. My first draft was too raw - influenced too much by experiences that are still unfolding. I needed time and distance before I could sit with the year and see it with greater clarity. 

I also struggled with the descriptors for the year. I didn’t want it to sound overly negative, yet I wanted it to reflect the truth of what the year held. I considered single words like gratitude, compassion, courage, surrender - all of which felt close, but not quite complete. The turning point came after Christmas, when I decided I didn’t need to force the year into a single narrative. Instead, I could honour it as it was lived - in two very distinct parts. And with this, I chose a dual-descriptor title - Grounded, then Surrendered.

This reflection follows that structure. 

I welcome comments but request that no questions be asked. It is simply my attempt to make sense of a year that asked much of me - and changed me in ways I am still coming to understand.

====***====

2025 began grounded and purposeful, before giving way to a season that demanded surrender and introspection.

A year after leaving corporate life and earning my credentials as a trainer and coach, I stepped into 2025 ready to rebuild. There was momentum and a quiet confidence in how I should push forth but things did not happen the way I wanted it to. What unfolded was a first half shaped by movement and purpose, and a second that called for a very different kind of presence altogether.

Part I: Grounded & Purposeful (January - May)

2025 kicked off with the momentum established in 2024. It carried a sense of rhythm and direction, and life felt anchored. There was meaning in the work I was doing, energy in the connections I was nurturing, and a quiet confidence in how I showed up each day. I was engaged, contributing, and moving with intention. I was mentoring, coaching and training. And I was traveling…

Then the year shifted... big time!

Part II: Surrender & Introspection (June - December)

From mid-year onward, life pressed in ways beyond my control. What followed was a sustained period of constraint and reckoning. Freedom narrowed significantly. Time came to a standstill. Familiar reference points disappeared. This period became a season of surrender. Strength no longer looked like progress or achievement. Instead, it was about staying present, honest and facing harsh realities. I told myself I must take accountability despite being confronted with fear, vulnerability, and uncertainties. But during this time, something quieter emerged: Clarity. Not dramatic or sudden, but quiet and steady. I came to recognise that endurance, moment by moment, could itself be a form of strength.

Rediscovering Purpose & Compassion 

This period crystallized my understanding of purpose. I had previously believed purpose was something found at the end of the journey - a destination reached through striving. But 2025 taught me otherwise. Purpose revealed itself in small, often unremarkable moments: choosing presence, offering care and support, staying engaged even when depleted. Supporting others - through mentoring, coaching, and training - remained central. Even during the most constrained months, I continued to walk alongside people and helping them navigate their uncertainties. Admittedly, there were many days where I had absolutely nothing left in me to offer except to listen and to hold space quietly. And it made me realise that purpose is not measured by outcomes or visibility, but by consistency and sincerity. I also learned that compassion must begin from within to be truly effective. I needed to be patient and gentle with myself when I was exhausted, and to forgive myself when I met my limits and could offer no more. Only then could I continue to be present for others.

Family & Meaningful Relationships 

This year clarified who truly matters. Despite the strains in relationships in 2024, family showed up in ways that were steady and unquestioning. Their presence anchored me when everything else felt uncertain. Friends and colleagues who continued to trust me - despite the circumstances - reminded me that connection is sustained through constancy, not convenience. During this period, new relationships were made, even as existing ones were tested and revealed their limits. Some drifted. Some disappointed. But I am grateful to all. These relationships continued to teach me about the importance of truth, boundaries, and reciprocity. 

Spiritual Grounding through Buddhism 

The experiences I had made me go back to my spiritual roots. Buddhism became a steady anchor through this period. I returned to regular meditation - sitting, observing, allowing - it became less a practice and more a refuge. It taught me again that surrender is not weakness but courage: the courage to remain present, to loosen the grip on certainty, to meet experience as it is. Through practice, I learned to trust impermanence rather than resist it. To find steadiness not in control, but in awareness. In stillness, I found clarity. In acceptance, strength. And in letting go, freedom. 

Inner Strength and Quiet Courage 

This year tested courage in ways I didn’t expect. Not the dramatic kind, but the kind that endures. The courage to take accountability. To feel fully. To act with integrity when no one is watching. To continue supporting others while carrying my own weight internally. There were moments when I was stretched beyond comfort - holding space for others while managing my own discomfort and uncertainty. And in doing so, I discovered a resilience I had not known before. In the process, I learned that strength is not always visible but simply the decision to stay present, to respond with care, and to keep going. 

Well-Being, Health, and Self-Compassion 

A major breakthrough this year is in the area of health. Despite several health scares, I end the year with a clean bill of health - heart, kidneys, blood pressure all steady. In many ways, I am healthier than I have in decades. This year reinforced that caring for the body is not indulgence, but responsibility. Movement, nourishment, rest, and rhythm became acts of respect. They grounded me and gave me the capacity to endure. Every walk, every mindful meal, every pause became a quiet affirmation: I matter. Well-being is not merely survival; it is living with intention. It is preserving the capacity to show up - for life, and for others. 

2025 in a Nutshell 

This year was defined by contrast - between movement and stillness, effort and surrender, certainty and unknowing. It was a year that forced things onto me, stripped things back and tested me in ways I did not anticipate nor choose.  But I chose how to meet them and in doing so, I found Clarity. Strength. Purpose. Compassion - for others and for myself.

Looking Ahead to 2026

The Chinese zodiac predicts that 2026, the Year of the Fire Horse, will be a superbly challenging year for me (as I’m a Fire Horse myself) and friends have suggested that I keep a low profile to protect myself. Perhaps 2025 was meant to prepare me for it. Whatever the case, I step into 2026 carrying the lessons of 2025: 

• To remain grounded in gratitude, even when life feels uncertain. 
• To live with purpose and compassion, through mentoring, coaching, and presence. 
• To embrace vulnerability and courage, showing up even when it feels uncomfortable. 
• To nurture relationships that matter, rooted in trust and authenticity. 
• To deepen my spiritual practice, allowing surrender to guide me. 
• To care for my health and well-being, so I can continue to live and serve fully. 

2026, I am ready.

Happy New Year everybody!

Entering 60

With 2026 round the corner, it just hit me that I will be entering a new decade of my life in the coming year. 

By the Chinese zodiac cycle, I would have fully completed my sexagenary cycle (六十甲子）or five cycles, covering all 5 elements, of the 12 animal signs - a significant milestone by traditional standards. Many people I know make it a point to celebrate their 60th birthday in a rather grand manner. After all, one is said to be “reborn” when one hits 60. 

Admittedly, I did have the same thought - maybe throw a grand dinner at a restaurant and invite family and friends? Sounds good but I don’t have many friends! And as for family… let’s not even go there given the realities of who is not talking to who, who is not on good terms with who, etc…

Anyway, this is just a random post. But yes, the turn of the year has made me a little more conscious of time, and of how I should live the last phase of my life. For now, let’s close 2025 properly. I’ll post my annual reflection tomorrow at midnight.

Can’t wait for 2025 to end!

A nice update

A friend I knew recently secured a job! 

Am so very happy for him, especially given the challenging circumstances he’s in (not gonna share further here cos it’s not relevant). Started talking him to him about job search 2 months ago but as it’s the year end period, things were somewhat slow. Nonetheless, he managed to land an interview 2 weeks ago and I spent some time preparing him for it.

He called me after the interview sounding disappointed. He felt it didn’t go well as he got nervous and fumbled many times. But he said the hiring manager was nice and made him feel comfortable during the interview itself. I thought that was a good thing but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to raise his expectations. 

Then he called me on Christmas Eve to tell me he has been offered the job and he has accepted it! I could literally feel his excitement when he called me! It will be a great start for him come 2026! Hopefully he can turn his life around and things get stabilized for him soon!

Hurray!

Yum Seng!

I’m not supposed to be drinking alcohol. Then again, I’ve decided to reward myself with one can of beer today. I’ve been working hard physically and I’ve ended the day with a relatively high calorie deficit! So, why not, right? 

I used to drink strong beers such as Tiger, Carlsberg, Corona, 1664, Budweiser, etc but over the last couple of years, I have switched to Chinese beer such as Tsingtao or Snow. They are lighter and smoother, and go perfectly well with north-eastern Chinese food such as skewered meat (yums!). Anyway, a dear friend visited me 2-3 months back and brought along 2 cans of Carlsberg Special Brew. Downed one during the visit and have kept one in the fridge since. Totally love it!

So yeah, cheers!

Merry Christmas

It’s so nice and warm to receive a traditional Christmas card from an ex-neighbour turned family friend. Such a lovely gesture, one that is deeply appreciated!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ps: ever noticed how our greetings to people closest or most familiar to us, eg family, is always shorter than those we send to people who are further away, eg. colleagues and bosses? Right?

Balcony Visitors

Lately, I’ve had quite a few visitors to my balcony daily! They include mynahs, spotted doves, sunbirds, sparrows and even the Asian koels. It’s really nice to see them visiting and perching on my balcony. And of course, the mynahs are comfortable enough to even come into the house and step all over my meditation mat! 

I also noted that swallows tend to stay a bit further away and perch themselves on my neighbour’s window ledge instead. Other than that, there were the infrequent dragonflies, bees, butterflies, and not to mention the perennial pests such as ants, houseflies, moths, wasps and even mosquitoes. Thankfully, the pests only visit me once in a blue moon…

:-)

ps: Can you spot the spotted dove in the photo above?

Covid-19 Jab

I’ve just had my Covid-19 vaccination.

It’s my eighth dose. I’ve diligently gone for my free annual jabs as recommended by the health ministry given my medical history. Thus far, I’ve consistently taken the Moderna vaccine but this time round, I decided to just go to the nearest polyclinic where the Pfizer-BioNTech/ Comirnaty (mRNA) vaccine is administered.

The whole process was very fast and efficient and the nurse was superbly professional about it. After checking my details and chatting with me about my medical history, medications etc, she gave me the jab and asked that I rest for 15min before I leave. She’s such a nice warm person and the jab was next to painless!

From registration to completion of observation, it was all done within half an hour from my arrival!

Food distribution

I signed up as a volunteer to distribute food to the needy yesterday. It was done as part of the Christmas festivities to distribute some chocolates, cakes, and sweets to residents. It was indeed an eye-opening experience for me, seeing with my very own eyes people from the lower rungs of the society who live in rental flats and who needed that extra help with their daily life. 

It was very nice that the mayor herself turned up to thank us. She also introduced her teams from the family assistance organisations, community centre, resident committees, etc to us. I was surprised and gratified to know of the many activities and initiatives these set-ups organise regularly for these residents. Admittedly, I do quietly wonder if some of these residents end up becoming over-reliant on these aids.

I think too much.

Terms of 2025

Words that I learned in 2025:

• UFO
• landing
• protected persons
• yard
• baba
• pending
• cluster
• tag
• day room
• UT
• KS
• holding 
• catamite
• muster

There are more but these were the key ones for me...

59

I turn 59 today. 

It feels kind of weird even saying that, because I’ve been telling people I’m 59 since the start of the year. In fact, there have been many times when I’ve simply said I’m 60. Some people consider an age ending with “9” inauspicious as it symbolises an ending. They prefer to round it up to the next decade to represent an auspicious beginning. So technically, using the rounding up method, I was already 60 last year by Chinese calendar age, and 60 this year by Gregorian calendar age. Thus, I’ll turn 60 next year with the “Hey, I’ve already been 60 for two years” frame of mind!  

And in a (gay) community that celebrates youth and looks above almost everything else, it can be quite amusing. When I tell people I’m 60, the usual response - after seeing my face pic is, “Wow, you don’t look your age at all! You look so young!” In contrast, when I say I’m in my 50s, I sometimes get an immediate block - presumably a “WTF, you look so old and fugly” judgement. Everything is relative, right? And tbh, I’ve largely gone beyond feeling upset when I get blocked. Everyone has their preferences. I get that. 

Anyway, today will be a very simple affair. My sister is treating me to dinner tonight. A few friends are celebrating my birthday in their own little (but very much appreciated) ways - dropping by with a cake, sending me a couple of cake slices, buying me lunch, and the likes. I’ve also been receiving birthday wishes from quite a few friends, including some unexpected ones, and I’m truly appreciative of their kindness and thoughtfulness. 

So… happy 60th birthday to me! 

;-)

Walking in the Rain

I went for my routine walk after lunch today.

The sky was dark and cloudy and it started drizzling halfway through my walk. I didn’t run for shelter and just continued walking. I even took off my singlet and let the rain fall directly onto my body. It felt good. It felt liberating. And the nice cool weather just added to the overall feel. Dec & Jan have always been the best months of the year for me despite the frequent rain that can get very heavy sometimes. The weather during these 2 months can drop to 22/ 23C daily. And it feels really pleasant, even if it rains.

I came home totally drenched, but it was such a lovely walk!

:-)

My (ex-) Tenant

I probably missed this amidst my preoccupations with life over the past few months.

My tenant moved out on 25 August at the end of his tenancy contract. As I was away, my second sister settled his out-processing and cleaned his room after he left. He had had the entire flat to himself since 23 June when I went away. Thankfully, he did not mess up the place too badly nor invite guests over (based on my condominium’s visitor records).

This tenant had some rather odd habits and was not particularly neat or clean when it came to washing the toilets, cleaning up after cooking, and after his meals. I often had to catch up on the cleaning whenever he was away. As expected, during my absence, he left quite a bit of stains and considerable cleaning of the kitchen stove was required.

Looking back, it was interesting how I had initially wanted to avoid PRC tenants due to differences in social habits, yet I ended up having one as my tenant. However, after my initial interactions with him, I realized he was somewhat different. Although he is from China, he was quite explicit about not wanting to associate himself with anything related to China. He had also lived outside China for most of the past decade and only returned to visit his family during Chinese New Year.

I suspect he comes from a wealthy family, as he regularly wires money from Australia and orders food delivery almost daily, with each meal costing him about $15 - 20. And despite not working, he travels overseas frequently, including holidays to Malaysia, New Zealand, and elsewhere. But credit to him, he doesn’t brag about his money and most importantly, he pays his rent on time!

With his departure, I have lost my monthly passive income. My sister has asked whether I would like her to source for new tenants, but I have told her to give me some time, as I would like to enjoy my privacy for now.

Traditional Teochew Pastries

I’ve always enjoyed traditional pastries, especially those Teochew ones. Then again, I’ve always like sweet stuff. Ok, back to Teochew pastries… Years ago, we can find them at every housing estates but these days, the shops have dwindled to just a few. It is unsurprising, given the popularity of more varied and trendy international fares these days.

And so, whenever I visit Chinatown, I will make it a point to buy the tau sar piah (mung bean pastry) from Poh Guan. Their mung bean filling is fragrant, moist and not too sweet. And when I feel indulgent, I will also get the la piah - a larger version of the tau sar piah and traditionally given as gifts during happy occasions, eg weddings, in the old days.

Let’s hope this stall continue to operate for a long time to come! It will be so sad if this stall stop operations, just like how many had disappeared over the years.

Ps: I bought 4 pieces of la piah today and look at their beautiful box! So retro too! 

Being Cruel to be Kind

Sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind. 

I’m at the point where I probably need to give someone the cold-turkey treatment. I got to know him couple of months ago and he has a big crush on me. Since the start, I’ve put it very clearly and explicitly to him that I’m not interested in any relationship. After an initial emotional swing on his part, things seemed to settle for a while.

I assumed he had accepted it and continued the friendship, often supporting him as he navigated life. But his actions, time and again, suggest he’s still not over me. Often, our conversations would end up very tense and difficult. He’d nitpick things I’ve said, takes them out of context, and makes accusations. It’s superbly exhausting. And now he’s edging into emotional blackmail.

I think I’ll have to cut contact for some time, much as I dislike doing so. But at this point, it feels like the only way for him to regain his footing - and, more importantly, for me to have some peace.

Sigh…

post-note: after reflecting, perhaps a better way to phrase the title would be "Being compassionate for longer term good". It better reflects the good intentions behind the action.

My Aging Layer

At 58, going 59, I am considered one of the youngest in my generation. Many of my cousins are in their 60s and a small number of them are already in their 70s or 80s. And these 2 months were especially significant to my family as both my brothers-in-law marked their 70th birthday - my eldest sister’s husband celebrated his birthday last month and my second sister’s husband today.

Time flies indeed… I could still remember vividly how they were first introduced to the family back in the 80s and the many life’s milestones that came to define the lives of both my eldest and second sis - their respective weddings, birth of their daughters, children’s growing years, school going days, retirement, etc. It had been a long journey.

I wish them both well! 

PS: come to think of it, I’m already a grand uncle to many! 

Meat Meat Meat!

Managed to get some time out to meet an ex-colleague for a yakiniku dinner last evening!

And wow - it’s been ages since I last had proper BBQ meat. I think we easily downed more than a kilogram of food: chicken, pork, and especially beef. The wagyu cuts were amazing, melt-in-your-mouth good. 

Of course, I also loaded up on kimchi, a vegetable salad with sesame dressing and topped it all off with two huge mugs of yuzu highball. Such a satisfying meal. 

Super nice. Yumz!

2 Dec 1932

If my mum were still around, she would have celebrated her 93rd birthday yesterday. 

2 December has, and will always, make me feel warm inside, knowing that it was a special day for her and for everyone in the family - especially me. I never failed to celebrate this special day for her with a pandan kaya cake - the only cake she’d take as she abhors anything buttery!

Happy birthday Mum - wherever you are now!

:-)

image from https://bengawansolo.sg/pandan-kaya.html

Grateful

I had, and still am, going through challenging times, and my previous post had rightfully sounded negative. But as I look back, there is still much to appreciate quietly. 

For the unwavering presence of family and friends, for the trust of those I was able to support in small ways, and for the little moments that reminded me that purpose is found in the journey, not only in the destination. For the chance to cultivate compassion - for others and for myself - and for the health that allowed me to keep moving forward. These simple blessings, quietly powerful, have been steady companions throughout the year. 

Above all, we owe it to ourselves to adopt a positive and grateful perspective when the going gets rough and tough. 

:-)

Positivity

I shall write about happy & positive things this month to close the year! It is after all December - a month of festivities!

Defining Months

I previously wrote about those 5 defining days in early June. 

The effects of what happened have stretched far beyond those days, shaping the months that followed and the way I experience each moment. It was a turning point that left a deep and lasting mark on how I live my life and interact with the world - and how the world interacts with me in the foreseeable future. 

Life doesn’t always unfold as we expect, and there’s a quiet strength in learning to navigate its unexpected turns - not that I have a choice. For now, I hold this understanding close, letting it shape me in ways that are still unfolding, one day at a time. And quietly, I continue, letting each day unfold as it will, shaped by what I now carry.

Once again, I ask that no questions be asked. Let me keep this quietly within myself and among the few people I’ve chosen to share it with.

Reflecting 2025 - a Preamble

November is almost over. It’s time to pause and think about my end-of-year reflection.

2025 threw more twists and turns at me than I could control. It stretched me in ways I didn’t know were possible. It forced me to look at experiences differently, to relearn lessons I thought I had mastered, and to reconsider the relationships around me - some strengthened, some renewed, some closed. Most importantly, it nudged me to rediscover purpose and compassion. I’ve heard that in a lifetime, we face three defining challenges. Looking back, I had one in 1996, another in 2005… and perhaps 2025 is my third.

With just a month left, I’m ready to close the chapter on this year and step into 2026 with hope, clarity, and renewed optimism.

Punctuality

Being punctual is a form of respect that one should - and must - accord to the other party. Being late despite having been given a window to arrive is, to me, unacceptable.

I say this because, despite a half-hour allowance, a friend texted to say he would be late due to traffic - a reason that is difficult to accept, especially when the time buffer was generous enough to cover the entire travelling time from his home to our meeting point.

Personally, I always make it a point to arrive 10–15 minutes before the agreed time. Apart from being a sign of respect for the person I am meeting, arriving early also means feeling less stressed and showing up in the right frame of mind.

But I suppose I should not use my own norm as a yardstick for others’ behaviour.

Weight Trend

Graph showing how my weight moved over the last 3 weeks. My target is 60-62kg by year end. Should be achieveable.

Right before me!

I’ve been wanting to give away my mum’s blouses for the longest time. It has been 10 years since her passing, and I’ve never quite been able to bring myself to do it because of the deep sentimental value. 

I’ve considered donating them to the Salvation Army, temples, and so on, but given the number of blouses, transporting them would be a logistical challenge, so I never explored those options further. A friend who works at a temple suggested giving them to NGOs that support disaster victims. I decided against that, as these are good-quality blouses and probably not suitable for that purpose. 

So I ended up asking friends who have elderly family members at home, as well as friends in their mid-60s who might know elderly people who could use them. All of them eventually replied that they couldn’t accept the blouses. Then it suddenly hit me yesterday that I have a friend who volunteers at her church as part of their social outreach, and most (if not all) of the people she supports are elderly. I asked her - and she replied almost immediately that yes, she would take the blouses! 

It’s amazing how I spent so much time looking everywhere, when the right person was just beside me all along (figuratively, of course)!

Donation

2 days ago, I visited M&S Food and purchased a couple of stuff.

I paid for my merchandise at the self-checkout counter and didn’t noticed too much about how much I was charged. But something told me there was a mistake and upon checking again later, I noted that I had not been charged for 2 packets of chips…

As I was a distance away, I decided the best way to make good the short fall was to make a donation to the temple. That was the least I could do. 

:-)

Learning from Mistakes

I received a series of texts from a friend this morning. The last message said something along the lines of, “I would like to sincerely apologise to you,” and he asked if I could spare a moment for a chat.

During the call, he shared that he had made a mistake several days ago. He remembered a conversation we had a few weeks back about changing his behaviours and moving forward in life. Apparently, he slipped, hence the call. He asked if I would still consider him a friend, and whether I would judge him. He sounded genuinely remorseful.

Frankly, I was surprised he even recalled our conversation. He was someone I got to know not too long ago, and he had shared some details about his life during one of our chats. I took the opportunity then to give him some advice, and we parted ways after that. Anyway, after he apologised, I gently told him it was good that he recognised the mistake, and that he should take accountability, learn from it, and move on with life.

After we hung up, I sent him a short motivational video from Instagram. I felt he needed that little push. I wished him well.

10th Year

16 Nov marked the 10th year of my mum’s passing. Time really flies! Will be paying a visit to the columbarium to pay my respects later. 

Still missing her after all these years… 

Friends & Boundaries

Over the past half year, and in particular over the last 3 months, I’ve come to know quite a few people who, in different ways, have become rather close to me.

Among them was one who grew so close that I eventually had to gently tell him I wasn’t keen nor ready for a relationship. He became deeply emotional and we stopped talking for a while. Thankfully, he recovered from the trauma and we’re back on talking terms. And despite his repeated assurance that he now sees me as a very, very dear friend, I can’t help but wonder if a part of him still harbours hope.  

There were also a couple of others who have grown increasingly close - open, warm, and caring. Some use endearing terms when speaking to me or send regular messages to check in. One even visits me at home, brings food, fruits and little gifts; and makes it a point to buy something for me whenever he travels overseas. 

I feel deeply touched by all these gestures of care and affection. Although sometimes, it also comes with the difficult but quiet need to hold boundaries, to stay kind without being misunderstood and to care without losing clarity. The last thing I want to end up with, is hurting others inadvertently.

Of Happy Tears & Lemons

I sometimes come up with punchy lines spontaneously, and when I read them over again, I sometimes ask - how the hell did I come out with such lines. Here’s one:

It’s easier for me to cry happy tears for people than to cry sad tears for myself...

I shared this in my WhatsApp conversation with someone because we managed to help a mutual friend who has cancer get his wishes fulfilled. It meant so much to me knowing that he got what he wanted that I teared up.

As for crying sad tears, I’m not in the business of self-pity. If anything bad happens to me, I will try to see the positives, pick myself up, and move along. This reminds me of another phrase I shared with a friend recently:

Life will always give you lemons. 

When it does, make lemonade out of it - and share the joy with everyone around you!

I’ve adapted it from “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It resonates deeply with me - turning negatives into positives and while at it, spread the love and joy!

Note: Just watched 50/50 on Netflix, feeling nice and warm!

Awkward Conversation

Met up with an old friend for lunch earlier. What might have been a nice and warm reunion turned painfully awkward. I have known this friend for over 45 years and considered him a close friend. But the conversation went awry halfway through and I had to stop him from continuing. 

I walked out of the conversation feeling deeply judged and very disturbed, something that I didn’t expect. I won’t go into details of the conversation but suffice to say that at the end of the day, I decided that it is better for him to decide how this friendship continues.

As for me, I am moving forward with the quiet resolve to keep and protect my peace.

Erotic Dream

I’ve been dreaming a lot these past few days. Some of them were just ordinary - fragments of daily life - while others were downright strange, and a few were rather erotic. Here’s one that happened two nights ago. 

I walked into a dimly lit room. The scent was thick - musky, human, alive. Two sofas faced each other: a long one on the right, big enough for a crowd, and a smaller one on the left. On the larger sofa, four to five naked bodies moved together in a blur of skin and breath. It was an intoxicating tangle - highly intense and hypnotic. I moved closer for a better look. 

As I did, hands started reaching out, groping me and furiously trying to undress me. I stepped back - I didn’t want to join in. Then I turned my eyes to the smaller sofa. There sat a young man, naked. He reached out, pulled me toward him, and started talking to me. We began kissing, but he kept on talking even as our tongues tangled. Then I felt something brush against my lips and… 

I woke up. The corner of the next pillow was brushing against my lips. I was fully aroused and disappointed by the abrupt, premature end to the dream. I tried to fall back asleep quickly, hoping to return to it, but couldn’t - much to my regret.

Books I Read (Jul - Sept)

Between July and September, I probably averaged about one book a week - that’s roughly 14 to 16 books in total. When I think about it, that’s quite a lot of reading packed into three months. Some were light and contemplative, others a little heavier, but all of them spoke to me in different ways. 

Here’s what I can recall of the list so far:

1. The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down
2. Love For Imperfect Things
3. When Things Don’t Go Your Way
4. Tales of the Buddha’s Former Lives (Stories 51-100)
5. The Tattooist of Auschwitz
6. Man’s Search For Meaning
7. A Man Called Ove
8. The Headspace Guide to Meditation And Mindfulness
9. The Alchemist
10. The Alchemyst: Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel
11. The Alchemyst: The Magician
12. The Courage to be Disliked
13. A Man Named Dave
14. Chicken Soup for the Dog and Cat Lover’s Soul
15. Magic Hour

These are the ones I can remember for now - there were definitely more. I’ll try to add to the list as they come back to me. The themes running through it - mindfulness, meaning, courage, and the human spirit - mirrored what I was reflecting on during those months too.

Weird Dreams

I had 2 weird dreams this morning.

The setting of the first dream was that of a classroom and I was attending some course. The trainer was going through some content and preparing us for an exam. At the end of the lesson, he told us some content related to sustainability had been missed out in the notes provided but would be assessed. He then went on to answer a call on his mobile. The call went for sometime and I took the initiative to dismiss the class and he nodded his head to thank me. 

 

Before leaving the place, I decided to head to the toilet and the trainer said he needed to go too. We chatted as we walked. He asked me if I drove, and I replied I didn’t and will be taking public transport. Then I realised it was already past 1am and public transport had ceased. For a while, I thought he wanted to give me a lift… heh!

 

At the toilet, I went to the urinal and he headed to the cubicle. It was then that a few other trainers came into the toilet and chatted with him. He left quickly once he’s done without even bidding me farewell. Our conversation ended too abruptly and I was left hanging. It was raining outside. I regretted not riding my motorbike to class and had to book a grab.

The dream ended there. It was a random dream that made no sense to me. I woke up feeling a little stressed and confused due to the impending exams but quickly realised it was just a dream. It was 3:30am and I decided to head back to sleep. Then I had my second dream…

I was standing at the bus stop opposite my condo waiting for my bus. I was facing away from the road thinking about something. When I turned around, I saw my mum. She was stark naked and on all fours on the ground! I asked her why was she naked. She looked at me, got up and started to dress herself.

The dream ended there and I woke up again. 3:55am. Again, I couldn’t make sense of the dream. I decided not to sleep after that…

Weird. 

Productive Day!

Let’s see - today I managed to wash all the curtains in the house, all the cushion covers of my sofa cushions, my reclining chair cover, and my shower curtain; wiped down all the glass windows and the glass panels of my sliding door; did my laundry; and even did some gardening! And on top of that, I managed to go for a long walk and completed a good workout!

Such a productive day! I’m really such a house person!

:-)

My End-of-Life & Funeral

I started writing about it first in 2009, and updated in 2011, and 2019. Has anything changed? Not significantly - the main principles remain the same. However, I realised that I might not have clearly explained the intentions behind my thoughts. Also, Singapore now allows ashes to be scattered on land, which is more practical and less of a logistical challenge. Hence, a review at this point is timely.

End-of-Life Management (Update)

• If there comes a time when I cannot make decisions, I will let my caregiver or, if there are none, the medical professionals make the necessary decisions on my behalf.

• I do not want to be placed on any life support. If my time is up, let me go gracefully and in a most dignified manner.

• All decisions regarding my end-of-life management should be guided by the principles of keeping me comfortable, minimising pain, and letting nature take its course.

Funeral Arrangements

• My funeral should be conducted according to Buddhist rites, in keeping with my faith. This means no funeral paraphernalia typically associated with Taoist practices (e.g. joss papers, paper dolls, paper houses, etc.). It is also more economical.

• Keep it simple, low-cost, yet dignified (for example, no expensive coffin). A dignified setting will help reduce the stress of those attending the wake.

• The wake should last three days (or five days if, for instance, I pass away in the late evening and the available time for the wake gets shorten by a day). This duration is not important to me personally, but it provides time for others to grieve.

• There should be no physical memorial artefacts, such as a niche for ashes or memorial tablets in a temple. My body should be cremated, and the ashes scattered on land. It doesn’t matter if it is done at Lim Chu Kang or Mandai. This avoids the need for future maintenance by the living. I came with nothing and will leave with nothing - I only wish to leave behind memories. (Update)

• Any white gold (白金) contributions will go towards covering funeral expenses. Should there be any excess, I leave it to the funeral organiser to decide how the remainder should be used.

These points are meant to make it easier for those caring for me at the end of my life, and for those managing my post-life matters, particularly my funeral. The list has been compiled with practical intent - to keep things affordable, to facilitate decision-making for those planning my arrangements, and to support others through their grief process.

Afternote 1: Previously, I wanted certain songs to be played during my funeral. No need. I’m dead, it doesn’t matter to me. (Update)

Afternote 2: I am not being morbid. I am being very upfront and practical. It’s a responsible thing to do. 

Afternote 3: I intend to formalize these and meet a funeral planner in due course. 

Health over Vanity

The thing about losing weight over a relatively short period of time is that you end up with flabby skin all over the body - and you begin to look a little gaunt and haggard. This is made more pronounced by the fact that I’m nearing 59, and the body at this age is technically breaking down faster than it is building up. 

Just four months ago, I weighed around 73 to 74 kg. Over this period, I’ve increased my exercise intensity, been very selective with what I eat - focusing on fibre and proteins - and cut down significantly on carbohydrates. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it read 63.5 kg. That’s a loss of more than 10 kg in just four months. 

The downside? Flabby skin - on my thighs, arms, and even my face. I suppose my skin simply couldn’t tighten up as fast as my body was shedding its layer of fat. But on the bright side, I’m in perfect health now. Physically, I can do 300 push-ups without much difficulty, along with crunches and planks. My blood pressure averages around 115/75, and my pulse rate sits comfortably between 65 and 75. Recent faecal and prostate cancer marker tests showed no abnormalities, and even the number of kidney stones has gone down. 

So yes, putting vanity aside, I should really celebrate my perfect health. Then again, as much as my big head says "it’s not about how tight the skin is - it’s about how strong and well the body feels inside"; my small head whispers "aiyoh, I am no longer glam and attractive!" (not that I've ever been glam lah! haha). 

Medical Review

Did a blood test to check on prostate cancer markers and an x-ray to determine the state of my kidney stones. Result: No prostate cancer and while the kidney stones are still present, it seemed to have reduced in numbers.

The review followed the passing of blood instead of urine some 2 months back. The doctor said the bleeding was most likely due to the kidney stone scraping the ureter as it moved through the urinary system. The fact that there is a reduction in the number of stones detected in the x-ray (compared to that last year) suggested this to be the case. He gave me the option to undergo a CT scan for a more detailed look or to wait and see if any further bleeding occurs. I chose the latter.

So for now, there is no immediate follow-up nor medications needed. The next review will be in 2 years time unless there is blood discharge again.

Judging a Person

Something a friend shared which resonates deeply with me. He said:

My dad used to tell me not to judge a person’s worth by the number of connections or friends he has when he is alive. Instead, judge his worth by the number of persons who attend his funeral when he leaves the world.

This story made so much sense to me. It reinforces the point that one’s value depends on how one is able to support and help people. It also reminds me of advices like - what do you want your eulogy to sound like? How do you want to be remembered? But of cos, we don’t do all these for the sake of wanting to be remembered but to do with all our heart and belief that we want to help and support people!

L to S

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight over the past few months, and my clothes are all very loose. So I decided to head to Uniqlo to buy a round-neck t-shirt. To my surprise, I could fit into an S size easily! I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened. If I stay at this weight, I’ll probably have to get new clothes and pants. But for now, I’ll just make do with what I have - even if they’re a tad oversized.

:-)

Scammer in Grindr?

So how do you catch a PRC scammer/ catfish in Grindr? My experience has been that the profiles of these people possess some, if not all, of the following characteristics:

• the profile pictures usually looks very good, lean, toned, very healthy looking and relatively well groomed
• every single one of them is Chinese - by race and, possibly, by nationality (the PRC look, if you know what I mean)
• in their late-20s to mid-30s
• have English names - the vanilla ones such as Jack, Jimmy, David, Anton, etc and not those modern weird ones

These people will usually drop you a message in English that goes something like this - Hello, I am xxxx, I am looking for a friend or a partner. What are you looking for? or; Hello, my name is yyyy, what are you looking for? And they may even attach a facepic in their message.

And here’s the thing - once you reply them, they will start to use Chinese. Previously, I will chat with these individuals for a while and often the conversation will move to exchanging contacts, or buying gifts for me. And that is a definite red flag. I will then block them. Some of my friends will not bother to chat and instead ask them to do a video call to verify their identity, in which case they will decline.

These days, whenever I receive any message, I just take a look at their profile picture and/ or their message content, and I will straightaway delete it. I won’t even bother to reply. And hmmm, for that matter, I don’t even bother to reply anyone these days. Even if they are non PRCs.

:-)

PS: I strongly suspect my age (which I revealed) or the fact that I indicate I’m a mature person make me a scammer/ catfish magnet. You think?

Receiving is Giving

Yesterday, somebody I had been coaching and mentoring over the last decade or so, and particularly over the past two years in his career, gave me an ang pow (a red packet with cash in it - usually given to wish a person good wishes, or as a form of appreciation). He had just moved into the industry of his dreams and received a promotion. He invited me for lunch with his family and later came over to my place for a chat. That was when he presented me with the ang pow. 

I felt a little embarrassed to accept it but decided to take it graciously in the end. Objectively, it is not in my nature to accept gifts from friends, and frankly, I even feel uneasy when someone praises me for anything. I’ve learned that such behaviours could possibly be rooted in my own sense of self-worth (or the lack of it), and that I should learn to accept praise and gifts when they are due. 

And that was what I did - even as I realised the amount he gave was a highly generous one. I also rationalised that in accepting, I was actually giving him the joy of knowing he could repay me, in his own way, for the help I had offered him all these years and especially in helping him secure his new job.

So happy for him.

Grateful

It’s been a rather overwhelming past 2 weeks for me.

I have had friends visiting me almost every other day. And I’ve been kept busy with the cooking and hosting! Of cos, this also meant I’ve lotsa leftover food that continued to feed me for a couple of days after. Hahaha… But yeah, I felt really blessed to have them visiting and truly felt apologetic for having caused them concerns. Their support and care have been heartwarming and I’m sincerely touched. 

Separately, I’ve also started coaching again and I have also been confirmed for a training assignment next weekend! Glad that things are falling back to place.

Wish me luck!

:-)

Tears without Reasons

I didn’t expect to cry, but I did.

I was just listening to a chant in youtube - the Plum Village monastic version of Namo Avalokiteshvaraya. A few notes in, something inside me softened, my eyes welled up and tears began to fall. 

I couldn’t explain the emotions behind it. It wasn’t sadness. It was a kind of release - as if the chant had reached a place beyond words. Avalokiteshvara, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, or Guan Yin as commonly known, listens deeply to suffering. As I listened, I realised that this was the quality I’ve spent much of my life extending to others - in coaching, in caring, in being present. Yet, in that moment, it felt as if that same compassion was turning towards me. And that was when the tears came. They weren’t tears of pain, but of release - the kind that surface when the body finally feels safe enough to exhale. It was as though something inside whispered, “You, too, deserve to be held.” 

I didn’t realize how much I needed this. 

The tears came quietly, without reason, yet they felt right. Perhaps they were the heart’s way of saying, “I’m still here.” Sometimes, when we truly listen, the heart answers - not with words, but with tears. And perhaps, in that stillness, compassion was listening too.

Hello me…

Hello me!

It’s really lovely to get your mail! Am good. Regret not keeping contact during this period.

Had been away, and short of anything, let’s just say I went on a retreat. Had spent most of my time meditating, exercising, coaching and counseling people, and observing strict daily routines. I weigh 7-8kg lighter and look very lean now. But looks aside, I am glad to say I’m much healthier. For the first time many decades, my BMI and all health markers (sugar, BP, lipids, etc) are within healthy range! The absolute tech detox (mobile phone, social media, etc) also helped much in refreshing my mental health.

Thanks for the support. Am blessed to know you (and many many of my friends) cared and have tried to reach out to me during this period, some going to the extend of coming to my residence, calling the police, checking all hospitals, etc. I am sorry to have caused concern and can only thank you from the bottom of my heart. In the immediate months, do allow me to blog with a light touch as I need this “break” for myself. 

Hear from you again soon!

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