Hello you…

Hello you,

How have you been? You’ve been away for more than 3 months. Hope things are ok and that everything is in order. Please take care and will hear from you again when you are ready. 

Take care!

Me

Conversing in Malay

It’s been so long since I conversed in proper Malay - the spoken Malay sans any Chinese accent. It was something I could do and was comfortable with, given my mum’s Peranakan background, and I did so quite easily during my younger days, both at work and, at times, at home with my mum and my Malay neighbours.

You see, my mum was Peranakan, and her lingua franca was the Peranakan Malay language - a language that is very similar to Bahasa Melayu - the language that malays used. And similar to the Malay culture, we would eat with our hands, have sambal and spicy food as part of our normal diet, etc. During my growing-up years, mum would drill me in the Malay language, patiently teaching me the Malay terms for things around me. Till her later years, we would still converse in Hokkien with a smattering of Malay words. I’ve lost touch with it ever since mum passed on. But my familiarity with the culture and language have allowed me interact intimately with the Malay community to this day.

Two weeks ago, I was placed in an environment where people around me were almost entirely Malays. It was an interesting experience for me, as it allowed me to re-enter a world and culture that I’m very familiar with. Admittedly, I hesitated a little initially, as I had lost touch with the language, but eventually decided that the best way to integrate was to speak it. It started somewhat awkwardly, but things smoothed out with a little practice. I also made the effort to behave similarly and ate communally with everyone, using my hands. I even took it upon myself to wipe clean the floor after our meals.

 

I also made very nuanced and simple gestures - such as sharing an orange, passing packets of rice to people around me, eating only when everyone had their rice, etc. - in my efforts to assimilate. I could sense their quiet acceptance of me as “one of them” very quickly. Surprisingly, during one of their chats, one of them commented (in Malay, of course): Wahhhh, baru beberapa hari, dia sekarang boleh berbual-bual melayu sama kita… (wahhhh, it's only been a few days, he can now chat in Malay with us...). Interestingly, I also sensed them using more English when they reached out to me, and I appreciated it. These gestures told me I had been accepted by them - no further questions asked. 

And this reinforced my belief in the notion that “when in Rome, do what the Romans do”. I was glad I did - and it made the days pass so much easier.

“You want?”

Every morning, as I walk to the coffee shop at the nearby estate for breakfast, I will pass a landed property with a charming garden that’s filled with many flowering plants. One particular plant never fails to catch my eye - Wrightia antidysenterica. It is always in full bloom and I will often pause for a moment just to take in the beauty of its delicate white flowers. It’s such a simple pleasure, yet it brings a quiet joy to my morning routine. 

The owner of the house is an elderly gentleman. I’ve seen him many times, tending lovingly and painstakingly to his plants. We’ve never spoken, but over time, we’ve built a silent rapport - exchanging polite nods whenever we cross paths. This morning, I saw him again, seated on a small stool as he went about pruning his plants. And I decided to engage him…

Me: Good morning! You have really lovely plants! 

Elderly gentleman (looking up with a smile): Thank you! 

Me: I really appreciate the beauty of the flowers every time I walk by - especially the Wrightia. They’re so pretty! 

Elderly gentleman (beaming with pride): You want? 

Me (caught off guard): Ermmm… no lah. My place doesn’t get much direct sunlight, and I think this plant needs quite a lot to thrive. 

Elderly gentleman (nodding in agreement): Yeah… 

Me: Alright, see you! Thanks again! 

It was such a brief and simple exchange, yet I walked away feeling unexpectedly moved by his spontaneous offer. Truth be told, I had often wondered how I might get hold of this specific plant - and whether I should pluck (no pun intended) up the courage to ask him one day. And today, he offered it to me, just like that!

In that split second, so many thoughts rushed through my mind. While a part of me was thrilled, I also felt it wasn’t quite courteous to accept. Beyond that, I knew the plant wouldn’t do well on my balcony without sufficient sunlight. Logic kicked in - and I declined. Still, I was touched by his offer. As I walk on, I kept thinking about our exchange. 

If I had said yes, how would he have given it to me? Would he propagate it through marcotting? Or would he dig it up from the ground? That’s me and my mind spinning again. But as I reflect, I’m reminded of this: Loving something doesn’t mean I must possess it. Sometimes, the best way to love something is simply to admire it from afar - letting it bloom in the place it’s meant to be. 

And that holds true for humans too.

Trainer Effectiveness

Last weekend’s module turned out to be a real high point for me - I scored 4.9 out of 5.0 for overall trainer effectiveness! It’s a far cry from the painful 4.0 I got during my first attempt back in March - and I was told then that scoring below 4.2 consistently would put my trainer job at risk. Pressurizing, right?

Looking back, I’m truly grateful that the effort I’ve put into reviewing my content, refining my approach, and tweaking the activities has paid off. Since that first session, I’ve been averaging between 4.5 and 4.7 for all the modules I’ve conducted, and this recent score felt like a nod of recognition. 

What made this last run special was the energy and engagement from the trainees - it was infectious. I think choosing to trim the content a little and focus more on encouraging questions, interaction, and collaboration really made a difference. That said, I won’t be teaching this particular module again anytime soon, so I’d better jot down my learnings while they’re still fresh. 

In two weeks, I’ll be running another module - the very one I fumbled back in March. It’s super content-heavy and packed with complex concepts, which makes it a tough one. But I’ve improved since then, and I’m up for the challenge. Time to dive back in, review the content again, and sharpen it even further. It’s going to be tough, but honestly? I’m excited.

患难见真情

患难见真情 

... a Chinese idiom that means "the essence of a true friend will come clear during moments when you experience hardship"; or "a friend in need is a friend indeed". 

So very true.

Crying People

I’m not sure why, but over just the past week or so, I’ve had people - both men and women - come up to me and start sharing really personal stuff - not the kind of things you casually bring up. These were deep, emotional, sometimes painful stories. They’d tear up as they spoke, regardless of gender. 

“I’m a cancer patient.” 

“I feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward.” 

“I miss my son.” 

“I was unfairly dismissed by my ex-employer.” 

“I’m worried about my parents.” 

And honestly, these were some of the milder things they brought up. Their stories are heavy, and my heart goes out to them. More often than not, all I can do is listen - really listen. I'm not a counsellor, and I don’t have the answers. But I’ve learned that sometimes, what people need most is just someone to sit with them in that moment and not rush to fix anything. 

It’s not easy as often a times, the emotions can get intense. So whenever I can, I would help them gently sort through their thought, focus on what they can control and to achieve a little clarity in the middle of the chaos. And when they walk away feeling heard, comforted, or just a bit more settled than before, that means something.

Dead inside

Over the last week, I’ve met numerous people across the spectrum of society and held conversations with many of them. Through these exchanges, it struck me how dead I feel inside personally, but I also came to realise a couple of things.

Firstly, we may belong to different rungs and segments of society, but we all have similar aspirations. These usually centre around the people who matter to us and what we live for - our purpose in life and what we find meaning in. This is an area that’s badly lacking for me. Admittedly, when push comes to shove, I find myself dead inside and ready to leave this world if my time is up. Is there a positive way to see this? Maybe there is. I need to search for the answer.

Secondly, in times of crisis, everyone finds their own ways to manage their fears and insecurities. Some turn to religion. Some get chatty in an attempt to find people they can identify and connect with. Many keep to themselves as they look ahead. Regardless, we need to identify our source of support and hope. I found solace in looking inward and meditating. It kept me going.

Thirdly, the simplest things in life are always taken for granted. It can be as simple as the joy of feeling a breeze, seeing the greenness of nature, or, for that matter, the ability to hold someone’s hand. I need to appreciate what I have, be mindful of the now, and be grateful for the experience of life.

Last but not least, not everyone sees others equally as human beings, and the outcome is that respect and dignity are accorded differently to different people. That is the reality of life. Most importantly, we just have to be at peace with ourselves and not react.

For me personally, I find myself getting introspective, not because I deliberately withdrew from people, but rather, I found peace when I look inwards, empty as it was - yet, on the other hand, I naturally reach out to help people navigate their thought processes to find their own peace. It’s a very natural thing for me to do. All this despite finding myself dead inside, with no sense of purpose, and very much willing to just let go and disappear from this world. 

I need to find my learning points from this experience. 

I’m not sharing this because I want concern or advice. I just needed to put it into words. Sometimes, saying things out loud - quietly and honestly - is enough. I’d be grateful if you could just hold space for that, without feeling the need to respond/ reach out.

Defining 5 Days

8 - 13 June. Echoes of that fateful day in 2005 - only this time, it cut deeper. It made me reflect on the kind of society I live in, and what it means to belong. I’m penning this down to get it off my chest. Please don’t ask, don’t probe - just let it be.

Positivity

I think I’ve focused a little too much on negative things lately. Here are a couple of really positive things that happened and that I’m grateful for:

• Yesterday, I got a text from an ex-colleague-turned friend asking if I’m free for dinner next week. She shared that it’s her last day of work with her current employer and she wants to celebrate it. Felt really happy for her. To put things in context, this friend (let’s call her A) is a retiree and is currently working as a contract staff with a company. Her boss had not been very kind to her and she has been really unhappy at work. Despite her unhappiness, she continued working cos as a retiree, it isn’t easy to seek new employment, and she’s not ready to stop working. I’ve coached A since last year and empathized with her. Coincidentally, I found out from another friend that there was an opening in a company and I shared it with A. She expressed interest in it and I had a few conversations with her on how she might prepare herself for the interviews. But I didn’t really probe on the status of her application as I didn’t want to come across as being too intrusive. And last week, she texted me and told me she got the job! I’m so glad I was able to help her.

• I’ve been coaching this other colleague-turned-friend for over a year. Lately, he (let’s call him D) shared that he had applied for a job in a company in an industry that he’s really passionate about. I asked if he needed any support and ended up coaching him through the process. We had several conversations to prepare him for the first and second interviews, and I was elated to know he was eventually offered the job. I coached him again on how he might negotiate the offer e.g. to look at the overall package such as promotion and development opportunities, benefits, etc and not focused purely on the pay. I’m glad things turned out well for him. D has accepted the job and should be starting with the new company after serving his notice.

• I’ve been conducting training since March and so far, have delivered six or seven courses. When I first started, I fumbled with the admin and couldn’t really connect with the content. The pace of my delivery was uneven, and as a result, my evaluation took a hit. I just completed two courses last week and am really glad that I received strong evaluations for both (achieving an overall score of 4.9 out of 5 for trainer effectiveness). Comments such as “great pacing”, “trainer was able to connect well with trainees and shared additional notes beyond the content”, and “trainer was superb in his delivery and very well-executed programme, including the admin” validated my days of preparation. Very happy to know my hard work contributed to the positive learning experience of my trainees.

So yeah, the above were some of the more positive things that happened to me. I'm grateful for the opportunities to support my friends in their job search and to help my trainees learn better! The past few weeks have been draining and exhausting, and I’m off to KL for a quick weekend break!

:-)

Sick, again

Have been feeling somewhat under the weather over the past couple of weeks. You know, that kind of sick-but-not-really-sick, healthy-yet-not-quite-the-picture-of-health kind of state. Not a very comfortable place to be, I must say. It didn’t help that my mind was highly disturbed and I had insomnia most nights.

And finally, a few days ago, my body gave way and everything fell apart – terrible body aches, the sinus got badly choked, the parching feel in the sinus roof at night, followed very swiftly by a sore throat and congestion, then a violent cough, and since yesterday, I’ve finally lost my voice. Coughing and losing my voice is usually the start of a quick deterioration in my health whenever the flu sets in.

It was almost a repeat of what happened in early April, but this time round, I couldn’t allow it to get worse. I went to see the doctor and was prescribed a whole bunch of medications. It’s the usual flu season thing, the doctor explained, and shared that there’s been a spike in flu cases over the past two months.

It’s an unfortunate time to fall ill, as I’ve booked my tickets to KL tomorrow. But I’m not going to let this setback stop me. I’ll still go ahead with the trip – even if it means sleeping in when I’m there. And so, I shall drown myself in herbal tea today and hope for the very best. I’m sure things will be okay by tomorrow.

P.S. My back has improved a lot after visiting the sinseh, and I’m able to move about without too much trouble now. But still, I need to do so mindfully – can’t risk any further mishap until it’s fully recovered.

Back Injury

I twisted my back 2 weeks ago and it incapacitated me somewhat for a good few days. Today, while the pain has subsided, my back muscles continued to feel tight and uncomfortable. And these 2 days, I started experiencing rather bad pain in my left hip, particularly after my routine walks. I do suspect this is linked to the back injury; where my spine could possibly be misaligned. I probably need to pay a visit to the TCM to resolve this.

Embarrassing

Hegseth made a huge fool of himself (and by extension of his appointment/ position, his country) when he likened Trump to LKY - a highly revered founding prime minister of Singapore. My jaw literally dropped when I read about it and I can imagine the quiet gasps amongst the audiences when he said it.

Embarrassing. Totally embarrassing.

还没开始，就已经结束了

爱一个人真的不容易… 我已经尽了全力，也退让了许多。就连在你说我不需要再克制自己的时候，我仍然选择收着情绪、照顾你的感受。因为我在乎，所以我忍让。但在和你相处的过程中，你的回应时而热络、时而冷淡，让人摸不着头绪。有时候我感受到温暖和希望，有时候却被冷漠和疑惑包围。你的反应总是前后矛盾，甚至让我怀疑你是不是一直在隐藏些什么。感情从来不是一个人撑得起的，也不该由一个人来承担全部责任。而你现在却突然把一切都归咎于我 - 这真的不公平。

我不是没努力过。后来，我选择让你决定这段关系的方向，而你也已经作出了选择。我只能祝你一切顺利，愿你找到属于自己的答案。

Housekeeping

Do you do housekeeping of your contacts? I do; and there can be many reasons why. These include:

• People who have gradually stopped contacting me, and with whom I see no further possibility nor value in rekindling the connection.
• Acquaintances I met once or twice but no longer keep in touch with over time. I’m not shy to admit that this includes one-night stands or people I got to know through friends’ gatherings – the typical hi-bye kind of connections and that I had exchanged my number with out of courtesy.
• People I haven’t contacted in a long time, and whom I don’t think I’ll ever hear from again. These people include old schoolmates or former colleagues. It just feels too laborious to keep them on the list, especially when I’ve tried reaching out before, only to find that their numbers are no longer valid.
• People who have clearly decided it's better not to keep in touch and actively avoid me. There may have been misunderstandings, but I often feel it’s not worth the effort to explain myself if they’ve already made up their minds. For this group, it’s often easier not to be reminded of them. 
• People who are no longer around. These include people who have changed their numbers, or migrated, or for that matter, have passed on. Sadly, these contacts include my late parents, as well as a couple of relatives and friends.
• People I really care about but who seem not ready or are struggling with their own issues. In such cases, I delete their contact details to prevent myself from reaching out. I see this "cold turkey" approach as a way to respect their need for space, despite how much I may care for them.

Among all these categories, I must say the last group brings me the most heartache. It’s hard on me to take such a drastic step, but I believe that if things are meant to be, they will eventually get hold of themselves and reach out again.

It’s because of this regular “housekeeping” that my contact list remains relatively small. I don’t make a good insurance agent, do I?

:-)

More Hibiscus

I see even more varieties of hibiscus around my area this morning. So glad that I can finally snap a picture of the sea hibiscus (bottom row right 3 pictures) - especially when it is so hard to get them to flower at my eye level! And with this latest, I should have posted every single variety of hibiscus around my area!

So nice right?

Blahhh

It's amazing how one's mood can swing from general happiness to that of absolute blahhhness all of a sudden. But that's what happened to me over the last 24 hours. I need time to process what happened, my thoughts and emotions. 

For now, I just want to sleep and keep to myself.

ps: It is during such moments that I need to be cajoled, to be sayang-ed, and to be engaged. Then again, it's just wishful thinking on my part.

End of tunnel

Recently, I was chatting with a friend and the phrase “seeing the light at end of the tunnel” came up. I couldn’t recall the context around why this phrase came up but I said - at my age, I can see the light at the end of my tunnel. And the light is the fire of the incinerator when my body is being cremated.

Heh heh… uttered in a most objective manner.

Hibiscus again

Another picture of the various types of hibiscus found around my area. Glad to be able to capture a few that were not flowering the last time I went around. 

Beautiful aren’t they?

❤️

Supporting people

If there’s one thing that gives me a lot of satisfaction and joy, it’s helping people and seeing them achieve the outcomes they want.

In the area of coaching, I’ve been supporting my peers for over a year - doing peer coaching to help them accumulate coaching hours, revising theories and exam questions with them to support their exam preparation, and more. It’s very satisfying to see them progress in their coaching. And this week, one of them achieved her coaching credential! I’m so happy for her! Looking forward to seeing a few more achieve their credentials in the next 1–2 months!

Apart from that, I’ve also been able to help quite a few transition successfully to new jobs. The process was tough, especially since a couple of them were in their 50s or older. It’s lovely to see excitement and hope being rekindled. They may be older in age, but the emotions they experience and express - apprehension, happiness, disappointment, and so on - are no different from those in their 20s! 

And this is what I can say - their happiness in achieving the outcomes they want fuels my motivation to help and support others!

Chatting with AI

I was in a reflective (and playful) mood today and I posted this in ChatGPT: 

“I realized I have never really received love as an equal and I have been a giver of love and affections my whole life - in all my past relationships and with my circle of friends.”

That simple sentence opened up a long, thoughtful exchange with ChatGPT about how I could manage this realisation. Of course, it’s not something that just hit me out of the blue - it’s been gradually unfolding over time. And for quite a while now, I’ve conditioned myself to accept compliments with a simple “thank you” instead of brushing them off, and have learn to receive help without feeling awkward or undeserving. These gestures may seem minor, but they feel significant to me. They’re reminders that receiving is not a weakness - and that I, too, deserve care. 

But most interestingly, as I reflect on the conversation, I’m struck by how far technology has come. The fact that I can talk to an AI about something so personal - and actually feel heard - is mind-blowing. Then again, doesn’t it also say something about the my current state - I’m turning to AI for this kind of conversation? Strange times indeed.

Haha!

:-)

Knife

“Knife” is one of my favourite songs from my secondary school days. I was really into it back then - it felt intense and emotional, and I would sing it like I meant every word. But funny enough, it never quite stuck with me over the years, not like how some other songs did.

For some reason, it came to mind today while I was listening to old songs on my phone, so I looked it up online. It felt nice to hear it again - and to sing along, of course. Strangely, I think this might be the first time I’ve really paid attention to the lyrics. I used to sing (or scream) this song whenever it came on the radio. And even now, I can still do it without thinking twice about the words. But honestly, I never quite took in the full extent of what the song was saying. Not until today. 

Thinking back, it’s odd how the lyrics never registered before. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to hear them. Years ago, I had romanticised parts of the lyrics during my breakups (that I had initiated) - even though the song’s about being dumped - and let it mess with me in all the ways possible. But listening to it now, after actually being dumped last year, I can say this about what I went through: I felt the loss and I did grieve. But definitely not in the way the song describes. In retrospect, maybe it was never a conventional relationship to begin with.

The truth is, I did love him - but maybe not in a romantic way. Or maybe he was just there to fill a void when we started, and through the years I was simply doing what I thought was my part. And just like the song, what once felt intense in the moment didn’t quite leave a lasting mark. Well, it doesn’t matter now. Whatever it was, I never felt the kind of heartbreak this song describes. 

It’s been a year, I’ve moved on. 

:-)

Knife

Rockwell (1984)

You touched my life 

With your softness in the night 

My wish was your command 

Until you ran out of love 

I tell myself I'm free 

Got the chance of livin' just for me 

No need to hurry home 

Now that you're gone 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

You cut away the heart of my life 

When I pretend 

Wear a smile to fool my dearest friends 

I wonder if they know 

It's just a show 

I'm on a stage 

Day and night I go through my charades 

But how can I disguise 

What's in my eyes? 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

You cut away the heart of my life 

Oh, oh 

Oh, oh, oh, oh 

Oh, oh, oh, oh 

Oh... 

I've tried and tried 

Blocking out the pain i feel inside

The pain of wanting you 

Wanting you 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

You cut away the heart 

Of my life

Vesak Day 2025

I did things slightly differently for Vesak Day this year. 

For a start, I made the trip to the monastery to collect the ticket for the 3-step-1-bow ritual and managed to complete the event before midnight. This was unlike previous years where I had to queue at 10pm and could only complete at around 3-4am. But things were not as smooth as I expected it to be. I had, at a last minute, accepted the request to conduct a weekend class and it ended around 6pm. I had not eaten properly the whole day but I needed to rush to the temple by 7pm. In the end, I started the ritual feeling hungry and thirsty. I perspired profusely through the ritual and started feeling faint halfway through. 

By the time I ended, I was in no state to do the Bathing the Buddha ritual. The queue was superbly long and I needed to fix myself first before I collapse from hunger, dehydration and exhaustion. But that aside, I do also suspect my inability to complete the full ritual was due to age. The ritual of bowing every three steps over a distance of about 800m(?) to a km was an exhausting process. I started undertaking this ritual since 1990 (this year is my 35th year) to fulfil a vow I made. And in recent years, the distance that I could do the bow every 3 steps gets shorter and shorter. Nonetheless, I will continue to do this for as long as I am mobile.  Let's see how long more I can go. 

Wishing everyone a blessed Vesak 2025.

ps: someone posted this video in YouTube and I actually spotted myself in it! LOL!

Oriental Pied Hornbill

I was on my morning walk a couple of days ago when, out of nowhere, I felt a pair of wings flap clumsily right across my face. I looked up and saw a majestic Oriental Pied Hornbill perched on a tree branch just beside me. 

It was the first time I’d ever encountered a hornbill up close, so bloody close! Standing at around 45 centimetres tall, it was an impressive sight. I froze, took out my handphone, and quietly observed and video it as it picked fruits and hopped from branch to branch. Hornbills usually travel in pairs, but this one was alone. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a male foraging for fruits to bring back to his mate - perhaps nesting nearby. 

What a beautiful, unexpected encounter. It was indeed my lucky day! Very nice!

Hibiscus

Over the last couple of weeks, I started noticing so many beautiful hibiscus around me. I am amazed by the variety - something that I had overlooked until now. Beauty is all around us - we only need to pause and see!

So pretty!

top picture: hibiscus flowers at gardens by the bay (various varieties)

bottom picture: hibiscus flowers around my estate - Hibiscus rosa-sinensis (orange colour & orange colour with red center), H. mosheutos (white colour with red center)

桃花运

In a literal direct translation, it means “plum flower luck”. It’s a Chinese phrase that means “romance luck”.  I am reminded of this term cos for some reasons, there seemed to be an increased in people wanting to know me beyond that of a normal friend. Or at least that’s how I felt.

For these people, I’ve expressed this very explicitly - that I am not keen on any relationships. I even went as far as telling one of them that I will ghost him if I sense he has crossed a certain line. And despite knowing that, he continued with his messages through the day, video calling me “just to see me”… hmmm… friends don’t do that. And friends don’t wish you good night when they go to bed and wish you good morning first thing in the morning. No?

Am not jaded per se. I’m far from it. But after my last break up last year, I’ve no more interest to start another one. It’s just too tiring. There’s just too much expectations to manage and energies involved. And I do believe that being friends would perhaps be a better option in the longer term. 

picture from https://www.travelking.com.tw/tourguide/springtravel/flowers3.asp

Unscathed

Election Day is Saturday and it will be Cooling Off Day tomorrow! Finally! After tonight, there will be no more speeches, rallies, etc and that means peaceful times again! After experiencing all sorts of tensions in past elections due to differing views, I’ve chosen to keep away from anything related to elections this year. And so, life has been relatively quiet and peaceful this time round!

Life has to go on, regardless of results. But I remain hopeful things will remain status quo.

:-)

Political Office Holders

I never thought I’d live to see a country go from being perceived as heaven on earth to that of a living nightmare - yet that’s exactly what’s happened over the past decade. It’s shocking and heartbreaking at the same time. And the ripple effects are felt far beyond its borders. Still, this is the reality we face, and all we can do now is hope - and act - for better days ahead.

If there’s one thing this has taught me, it’s this: good policies can come from any party, as long as they have the right brains behind them. But what really matters is the party’s values - how they choose their candidates, and how they deal with those who fall short. Put the wrong party and people in power, and the consequences can be terrible.

That’s why I’ll be voting with my eyes wide open. No need for rallies or shouting matches - just making my choice count where it matters.

Signs of Growing Old(er)

It's kinda interesting to note the changes in my body stats over the last couple of years. Whether this is due to age, lifestyle, dietary habits, etc, I am not sure. Or perhaps it is a combination of all? LOL... here're what I have noticed:

• Height - it used to be 1.70m for most part of my adult life, but lately, I am seeing myself registering a tat shorter than usual. At times, I measure 1.69m. Is this due to age? I don't know.

• Weight - Before COVID-19, my weight went as high as 84kg. I lost about 10kg during the lock down period and I was about 74kg for a few years after that and had stayed quite constant. Lately, I started weighing myself again and I noted that it had dropped to 71kg (plus minus a bit). I could only attribute this to my dietary habits.

• Waistline - It hit 36" at my peak before COVID-19. I had not measured it for a long while but I do noticed myself being able to wear my old work pants again last year. And today, while shopping for a pair of pants, I found myself fitting into a size 31"! Anyway, I decided to get a 32" to give myself some allowance for possible growth (laterally)!

It's interesting to note these changes but I can only suspect the rate of change will increase with time. Apart from these, I have also noticed physical changes such as more saggy skin around my body, my arms, my face; appearance of age-related spots on my neck, hands and body, etc. These are perhaps signs of aging that no one can avoid. And admittedly, the vain side of me did consider going for a facelift but the logical part of me told me to be real and don't waste my money over such procedures. Then again, I pride myself for looking younger than my straight peers. Oh man, for some reasons, they look so haggard and old!

:-)

(I'm such a bitch... Hahaha)

Training Update

I’ve received my first paycheck from the trainings I conducted in March! It’s so nice to see this being credited, especially since I have not had any income (apart from my room rental) since December 2023.

It’s not a big amount, but it’s a great relief to me, especially when what I have in my bank account would otherwise run dry in a month or two. So yes, this added income is timely and a much-needed boost. It tells me I’m heading in the right direction. Moving forward, I can expect some engagements on a monthly basis - some months more, some months less. I shall continue with this and allow things to stabilise before deciding how much more I should commit myself to for other opportunities. 

Speaking of opportunities, a peer trainer recently approached me to help deliver parts of her module at a local university. I have agreed to help her, as the topic is an interesting one. I also recognise that this may open up future engagements with the university, which I am looking forward to. There are several other opportunities as well, including the possibility of starting a business. However, I will need to be selective about which ones to pursue. A key factor guiding my decision-making is to stay true to my intention of pivoting towards a career that allows me to remain mentally and socially engaged as I approach retirement. At the same time, I also want to ensure I carve out enough personal time for myself, even as I take on freelance work. 

I am happy with the direction I am heading currently. Once things stabilise a little more, I can start to think about how to expand my coaching clientele. Coaching, although not my focus when it comes to generating an active income stream, keeps me engaged and I truly enjoy the conversations. Most importantly, I am motivated by the positive energy of my coachees at the end of every conversation.

:-)

Qingming 2025

This year’s Qingming (清明节) fell on 4 April. During Qingming, we would head to the cemetery to clean the graves and pay respects to our ancestors. Traditionally, it’s commemorated within 10 days before or after the actual day - but these days, most people extend it to two weeks on either side, making use of the weekends instead. 

Since my parents’ passing, I’ve been doing it on my own - visiting the columbarium to pay respects to them and to my late grandparents. It’s become something of a routine for me - a quiet responsibility I’ve taken on as the eldest son, perhaps. For some reason, I just didn’t feel up to it this year. Maybe it’s because I don’t drive. Maybe it’s because I simply didn’t have the energy. But I finally made the trip today.

Woke up early this morning, head out for breakfast, and then to get all the paraphernalia for the ritual - joss sticks, joss papers (gold, silver), ancestral offering papers, sutra sheets, fruits, etc. Decided to skip the usual paper trunks - one each for my mum, dad, grandmother and grandfather - as it would’ve been impossible for me to carry. The journey to the columbarium by public transport alone took me almost two hours, not counting the nearly 1.5km walk to the actual location in the hot afternoon sun. By the time I made my way back to the east, almost six hours had passed, and I was completely exhausted.

Still, I felt good about making the trip. It’s a laborious process, but one that holds deep meaning for me. And no, I don’t like the phrase “ancestor worship”. I don’t worship them - but I honour them and pay my highest respects, for bringing me into this world and grounding me in the values that shaped who I am today. Marking Qingming brings me back to my roots, reconnects me with my past, and reminds me of all that my parents and grandparents did to help me get to where I am. And for that, I give thanks - and ask for their guidance as I move forward in life.

:-)

Ps: and while at it, I also commemorated my grandmothers’ 50th death anniversary (the actual day is next Thursday - the 27th day of the 3rd lunar month) but it would be too much for me to repeat this trip next week)! 

Infection

I went to the doctor on Friday evening. Was told I had a very bad throat infection that has spread to my upper respiratory track, my sinus and my chest. I was also running a fever without realizing it. Was given quite a bit of medication, including antibiotics. 

The medications worked wonders. The fever subsided, the sinus and airways cleared, and my cough stopped within 24 hours. As of now, I still have lingering backflow, congestion and cough but it should clear off within the next couple of days. Such a relief. 

Reflecting, I do noticed that post-COVID, I tend to suffer more intense URTI and recovery time is a lot longer. It usually starts off with a cough and quickly deteriorate. URTI used to be a simple affair lasting no more than 3-4 days. But now, it usually stretches to 3 weeks at least. 

Not too sure why. 

What language…

My answers to “What language do you use when you talk to your inner self?” go like this:

“It depends on the context”

Most of the time, I use English. But when I’m praying (be it in a Buddhist or Taoist setting) or paying respects to my late ancestors, I use Hokkien. I’ve also realised that sometimes I don’t even use words - I just let my senses take things in. Like, I see colours and that’s it. Or I hear birds chirping, a car whisking by… I just take note of it, register the experience and that’s it. I might respond with a simple smile but there’s no need to verbalise it. Just knowing. No words needed.

Does that make sense?

Freedom

What would go through your mind when - or if -  you are near your endpoint? 

I fell badly ill during my extended stay in KL. By day four, I had run out of my daily doses of blood thinner, heart regulator, and other medication. My heart began to pump hard and fast. There was a strange sensation in the left side of my chest. I was also down with a violent cough, severe sinus congestion, chest pains, and a sore throat. The pressure points around my face and neck hurt badly. At one stage, I was so unwell I couldn’t get out of bed. I suffered from intense congestion, with copious amounts of bloodied mucus and phlegm flowing non-stop. 

I ordered my heart medication online, but it would take 1 - 2 days to arrive. To relieve my sinus symptoms, throat irritation and cough, I went to a local pharmacy and bought vitamin C, antihistamines, and lozenges. That was when the thought of passing on - perhaps due to a stroke or a heart attack - crossed my mind. The image that surfaced was of me, lifeless, discovered by the cleaner. Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t even worried. No one knew I had fallen sick apart from two KL friends, a training peer, and a potential coaching client I was meant to have a conversation with. There wasn’t much point in telling others - not that they could do anything about it. I truly appreciated my KL friends who consistently checked in to ensure I was all right. 

Throughout the entire episode, I kept mostly to myself. I didn’t want to bother anyone, and strangely, no one came to mind - not my siblings, not my nieces or nephew, not my friends. No one at all. Looking back, I realise I was, in fact, ready to go, had my time been up. I had no responsibilities, no liabilities, and I owed nothing to anyone. And in an odd way, that made me feel very free.

So, to answer my own question - nothing. Just peace.

What language…

What language do you use when you talk to your inner self?

Back home

I arrived back home safe and sound on Wednesday evening feeling drained and totally exhausted. It’s been a day plus and I’m slowly but surely recovering. The sinus is still crazy and the mucus is just building up as fast as I cleared them. I am also forcing myself to move a bit to keep myself “alive”. Been doing lotsa self and training-related admin, coaching, etc. And today, I decided I want to meet up with some people that matter to me. So yeah, it’s been a nice return so far. 

Feeling thankful.

KL Mis-Adventure

My KL trip this time round is perhaps one of the most memorable - in the most negative way. Planned for a 4-day trip, travelled the distance, met up with friends, did what I wanted to do, and then took the coach back.

But I couldn’t. I had to extend my stay. The last few days were anything but fun cos I came down with a superbly bad tonsillitis. Coughed my hearts out and my phlegm was full of blood! And my sinus was so bad I was literally flowing bloodied snort through the nights. It was such a horrible past few days. Will continue to rest and recover for the next 2 days.

Hopefully, I will recover well enough to make the trip back home!

Fallen Crow

Literally, as the title suggests - a crow that fell… in the middle of a busy road, no less. Now, imagine this: being immobilised and stuck in the middle of the road, facing gigantic metal machines rushing toward you, knowing that instant death awaits if one were to run over you. Scary, right? Here’s my little adventure. 

I was on my morning walk when I noticed a black patch in the middle of the road. I initially thought it was a burst tyre, but upon closer inspection, I realized it was a crow. It was alive, mouth open, but didn’t seem to be able to move. Above me, a murder of over 20 crows was circling, with many more perched on the surrounding roadside trees, cawing loudly. I stood by the side of the road, waiting for the traffic to clear. Then, quickly but carefully - so as not to startle the fallen crow - I approached it. Perhaps I was projecting human emotions onto it, but I could sense helplessness and fear, and maybe, resignation - feelings one wouldn’t typically associate with a crow. 

Gently, I picked it up with both hands. It struggled a bit, but I managed to move it to a grass patch. It remained there, still and unable to move. Knowing I had taken it out of harm’s way, I continued my walk. Strangely, the murder of crows followed me. At that moment, I felt a sense of unease. Recent news of crows attacking humans crossed my mind, and I wondered if those above me might do the same. As I walked on, I started worrying about whether the crow I had rescued would become dehydrated. I couldn’t take it to the vet, knowing it would likely be culled, as crows are considered a nuisance. But I could at least do something to alleviate its suffering. 

I turned back, searched around some rubbish bins, and found a discarded cup. After filling it with water, I returned to where I had left the crow. It was still there, but as I approached, it tried to move away - a good sign, I thought. But after a few more attempts to escape, it sat still again. It must have felt exhausted. Once more, I gently lifted it and moved it under a tree, placing the cup of water beside it. The murder of crows continued circling above me, but by then, I no longer cared if they attacked. I had done what I could. This time, as I walked away, the crows did not follow. 

I hope the crow recovers soon.

Completed Trainings

I have finally delivered three 2-day modules over the past two weeks! Despite a rough start, I thought the second and third modules went rather smoothly. That sense of satisfaction after training (or, for that matter, running any event) is a key indicator of how well things unfolded. I’m slowly but surely getting used to the administrative processes after the first session.

As for the delivery, it wasn’t as good as I had hoped. One area I need to improve on is pacing - I still find myself speaking too fast and finishing a tad too early, especially for the third module. If this continues, I risk being penalized by the training company and the authorities, particularly since these modules are subsidized by public funds. I’ll need to work on this.

For now, I’m just glad to have completed this round of training. Time to rest and recuperate.

Turkish delight

This is the first time I’m trying Turkish delight and I enjoy it so very much! Have always wondered what it tastes like since I read Chronicles of Narnia when I was in Primary 6 (1978?)! And I finally got the chance to eat it when a dear friend gifted it to me after his trip to Türkiye last week!

Yum yum!

Do you?

This is a very random post. Am posting this as I’m doing my morning walk - totally spontaneous:

• Do you wave to thank drivers who stop for you at a zebra crossing? 
• Do you pick up a snail from the middle of the road and place it in the grass? 
• Do you offer to share your umbrella with a stranger when it rains? 
• Do you fetch soy sauce from the hawker stall for an elderly person at your table who just said their porridge is too bland? 
• Do you watch where you step to avoid accidentally crushing anything - ants, for that matter? 
• Do you gently blow away mosquitoes that have landed on you, even when they’re already happily sucking your blood? 
• Do you help a butterfly with broken wings that lands on your shoulder by moving it to a safe spot among the greenery? 
• Do you volunteer your time to help someone who approaches you, despite your busyness?

These moments happen to me rather frequently, and my answer to all of the above is — yes, without hesitation. It’s something I do naturally, without a second thought, and I must say, I’m always glad I could be of help.

How about you?

Survived my first course

These past weeks have been rather hellish, culminating this week when I delivered my first virtual course. 

The course administration was a killer. I had to mark attendance, verify learners identity, operate and update the trainers' portal, manage the learners management system, etc while concurrently engaging the learners - it was insane! As for the learners, they came from all walks of life, were of varying seniority, work experiences, backgrounds, and nationalities. By the end of Day 1, I was completely drained. 

Day 2 started off slightly better as I managed the administration more efficiently, having learned my lessons from Day 1. But things got chaotic when my class couldn’t access the online assessment! I was literally sweating buckets, frantically calling technical support and my more seasoned trainer peers while trying every possible way to grant learners access. In the end, I started the assessment an hour late! 

I wrapped up the two-day course only to realize I had forgotten to get learners to complete one of the two course evaluations. Some even left before I inform them of their results and obtaining their acknowledgment resulting in my inability to complete my post-course administrations. It's been 2 days and I have yet to submit my post-course documents! 

Now, even as I’m rushing to complete post-course reports and compiling all the documents for submission - I am also preparing for another two-day module that will be held this weekend and a third module that will start next Thursday. I am feeling superbly exhausted right now! Sighs. 

Positively, this craziness should be temporary. The next run will be smoother as I get more familiar with the administration. And above all, I’m finally earning an income, and that’s one helluva good reason to stay calm and push on! So yeah, I’m embracing it all with a smile and a pat on my back. I survived. 

:-)

Mentoring

I signed up as a mentor with a volunteer organisation last month. The mentoring programme provided by this organisation supports students in navigating the job search process and is a collaboration between the school and the volunteer organisation. Successful applicants can then enrol in a diploma programme with the school. This initiative, led by MOE and the school, allows applicants to work (in an industry and role relevant to the course of study) on 4 days and attend lessons on 1 day per week.

The official duration for the mentoring programme is 6 months. However, as in all mentoring programmes, the mentor will end up mentoring the mentee beyond the "official" period given the relationship established. I expect this to be so for my case too as my mentee has decided to forego this current application window and to focus on the next application window that will start only towards the end of this year.

The programme coordinator seemed pretty chill about this even though technically the timeline stretches beyond the 6-month official timeline. I guess this "flexibility" is common amongst volunteer organisations? I didn't want to probe cos for me, the main aim is to help people, whether it is within the programme timeline or otherwise. So...

:-)

Training

It has been a crazy busy few weeks for me, and the rest of March looks just as packed! 

Over the next 2-3 weeks, I’ll be delivering three two-day courses virtually. To prepare for it, I’ve been reviewing training materials, developing learning activities, and internalizing the content - all while adapting to new materials. This has been especially challenging because the slides provided by the course developer (course owner) didn’t fully meet my expectations. As someone who focuses a lot on flow, congruence and look-and-feel, I found it difficult to follow the slides provided and thus had to redo the slide deck almost totally. 

That said, going through the slides, aligning the content with the learners’ guide and assessment guide, and making changes to the flow to better deliver the learning outcomes actually helped me absorb the content much faster. On top of that, I’ve had to familiarize myself with the technology, administration, and logistics of the courses - figuring out Zoom functions, using learning applications like Mentimeter and Google Slides, taking attendance via the portal, and managing assessment report submissions. 

As a new trainer, these extra layers of complexity made things more challenging, but I’ve also gained a lot from the process. At the end of the day, what matters most is delivering the course well and improving with each session. It’s been a whirlwind of prep, and now it’s time to see how it all comes together.

:-)

“Chineseness”

I’ve read before that when a community emigrates from its home country, its members often become more conscious of their cultural practices than those who stay behind. Over time, emigrants may even hold onto traditions more firmly than their compatriots back home. Many also retain a strong sense of nationalistic pride - something I saw in my grandparents’ generation, where many continued to look towards their homeland with deep affection, taking pride in their roots and even longing to return one day. 

This is evident in Singapore’s Chinese community, where certain customs and traditions - brought over by our ancestors - are still practiced, even though they have faded or disappeared in China. The same can be said of Singapore’s Indian community compared to those in India, showing how migration can not only preserve culture but sometimes even reinforce it. 

But not all emigrants take this path. While some hold on tightly to their heritage, others go in the opposite direction, distancing themselves from their roots. My tenant is a case in point. Despite being Chinese, he avoids many things that remind him of China. Other than speaking the language and eating Chinese food, he steers clear of traditional Chinese medicine, preferring Western medicine and supplements. He has also spent the past many years living overseas - in Australia, Malaysia, Thailand, and now Singapore - with no desire to return to China.

Beyond just distancing himself, he seems somewhat embarrassed by China and its people. He often criticize the political system and the behavior of locals, as if trying to make it clear that he isn’t like those Chinese people. And yet, funnily enough, his circle of friends is still mostly PRC Chinese. It’s like he rejects certain parts of his identity, but at the same time, he can’t quite detach from it completely. 

I get the sense that he’s a product of his generation. Now in his 30s, he probably fits the mold of an “emperor child” - those born in the 80s and 90s under China’s one-child policy, often showered with attention and spoilt by their parents. And he has all the typical traits of a kidult! But I do think that, as he grows older, his identity as a Chinese will start to matter more to him. Many of us push away our cultural roots when we’re younger, only to find ourselves searching for them again later in life. 

Funny how that works, isn’t it?

New milestone - Paid coaching

I did my first paid coaching session today. 

Last week, I got a call from a dear friend who told me he needed coaching. This followed an earlier session I had with him last month, which he found very useful. Fast forward to now - he was feeling frustrated and stuck again with the same issue. Without hesitation, I agreed to coach him. But there was a catch. I will pay you, or I won’t let you coach me. I’ll be your first paid coachee, and hopefully, this will turn things around for you! he declared. I wasn’t expecting this, but I truly wanted to help him. So, I told him he could decide what he thought the session was worth. 

This morning, I completed the session with him. I helped him gain clarity on his thoughts and the steps he needed to take to move forward. I was glad I could support him. But above all, I’m incredibly grateful for his support in my journey. Back when I was unsure about pivoting my career to freelancing, he was the first to say, I will support you, no matter what you decide. He was also the one who referred me to his friend - who later became my first “non-friend” client. And now, he has become my first paid client.

Thank you, A. 

😊

Interesting trip

My recent trip to KL was probably the most interesting. Lots of new experiences, meeting of new people, making new friends and doing things that I would never imagined me doing before. But let's just leave it as that. Just wanna put a note on it.

:-)

Xiaohongshu 小红书

I downloaded the Xiaohongshu 小红书 app just before the CNY period and was immediately intrigued by the posts and conversations. This was especially so because it coincided with TikTok’s shutdown in the U.S. (just before the presidential inauguration) and there were many “TikTok refugees” - people who chose to migrate from TikTok to Xiaohongshu.

The content and discussions on TikTok, and Xiaohongshu couldn’t be more different. The contrast in tone and perspectives between the West (particularly the U.S.) and the rest of the world (especially China) is striking. I won’t go into too much detail because there are so many layers to explore - cordial vs. toxic interactions, skepticism and cynicism vs. pride, curiosity, and more. It’s fascinating! I suppose it reflects each country’s history, culture, and approach to control and censorship.

You really have to experience it to understand what I mean. For now, Xiaohongshu has replaced TikTok as my go-to for daily social media browsing. And, of course, X, with all the toxicity and spins by too many “far right extremists”, is now just for porn - nothing else.

;-)

Modern Day Robin Hood

I went to the dentist today. The total cost for scaling, deep cleaning, and an X-ray came to about S$280. But after all the subsidies and claims, I only paid about S$40. I was pleasantly surprised by this because, in previous years, the maximum I could claim was S$120. Glad I delayed my check-up!

Reflecting on life on this Little Red Dot, I think the government does a great job of playing Robin Hood. But this has nothing to do with the dental perks I mentioned earlier - those were benefits I earned after spending a good amount of time in the armed forces. Now, back to Robin Hood. In Singapore, people who earn more get taxed more, while those below a certain income threshold don’t get taxed at all (if I remember correctly, that's about 85% of the population, though I might be wrong). The government also provides monetary relief across almost all key aspects of life - from medical expenses to transport to daily living costs. Many are universal (e.g., subsidies for medical care at government-restructured hospitals) but means-tested (meaning the better off you are, the more you pay). On top of that, the government distributes fixed-amount reliefs regularly (eg CDC vouchers, transport vouchers, Medisave grants, Assurance packages, etc) to all individuals/ households to help offset the GST increase and ease the cost of living.

These reliefs and perks may seem relatively small when viewed individually, but net-net, what I see is that those who earn more contribute more (mainly through taxes) and is supported less (as a percentage of income earned), while those who are less well-off and earned less receive maximum support. It’s so Robin Hood right? - take from the rich and give to the poor. For me, this is what it means - I’ve spent less than S$100 on groceries this year (2025) by leveraging the government-issued CDC vouchers, which were given to all households to assist with the cost of living. I also successfully upgraded my Community Health Assistance Scheme (CHAS) status and am now awaiting the outcome of my application for public transport vouchers. And I have yet to use the S$4000 MySkillsFuture grant to further upskill myself!

Let’s see what else I can apply to maximize the available reliefs and perks!

Volunteer

I’ve just signed up with a volunteer agency to mentor technical students on career choices. Funny how it all came together just yesterday. I met up with an ex-colleague to pass her some TCM cough medication since she’s been dealing with a lingering post-flu cough. It had been a while since we last caught up, and at some point, I mentioned how challenging it has been to clock my coaching hours. That’s when she asked if I’d be keen to mentor technical students on career choices and job hunting.

You know, there’s a certain level of social stigma around ITE students and graduates. They’re generally seen as less academically inclined and often come from tough family backgrounds. People are also quick to associate gang activities and petty crimes in news reports to ITE students or graduates - many times, unfairly and without evidence. That said, I found the idea of mentoring them pretty interesting. Career coaching is something I’m good at, and if I can help these students find their footing in the job market, why not? Plus, it’s a great way to clock my coaching hours while sharpening my skills at the same time. So, I agreed to explore it further with the programme coordinator.

Had a really interesting chat with the programme coordinator last evening. From the details shared, the programme reminds me a lot of my volunteer work with SG Enable a few years back. This time, I’ll be working with technical students who have recently graduated or will be graduating from ITE soon. One of my key questions for the coordinator was whether the students actually wanted to be part of the programme or if they were just forced into it. I was relieved when she said they signed up voluntarily. That says a lot about their motivation - they know this is good for them and want to be part of it. So, the challenges I’ll likely face will be more on the surface, like playfulness or communication struggles, rather than deeper issues like unwillingness to engage. 

Looking forward to seeing how this goes!

Strepsils

I went to the dentist today. It had been close to a year since my last visit, which was unusual for me, as I typically go for dental check-ups every six months or so. This time around, since leaving my employment, I figured it was an expense I could afford to space out. It made sense to me because my post-retirement dental benefits are topped up annually.

Anyway, I visited the dentist today, and it was one of the quietest visits ever. You see, the dentist had a bad throat. It was also the first time I had a female dentist attend to me. As I walked into the room, I could see her eyes smiling above her mask. She signalled for me to take a seat in the dental chair and went about checking my teeth. Then, she spoke to me in a whisper, almost inaudibly - "There seemed to be quite a bit of plaque buildup on the teeth on your lower jaw. We'll do a cleaning and then take an X-ray to see if there's anything inside that we should be concerned about. How's that?"

I agreed. She went about the cleaning after which I took an X-ray, and she later explained that everything looked good - nothing to be concerned about. I asked if she had a bad throat, and she nodded. I smiled, thanked her, asked her to take care and we parted ways. After making payments, I went to the supermarket next door, bought her a pack of Strepsils, and dropped it off with the reception staff. That was the least I could do. Poor girl - working during the Chinese New Year period with a bad throat - she must have felt terribly uncomfortable.

:-)