Freedom

What would go through your mind when - or if -  you are near your endpoint? 

I fell badly ill during my extended stay in KL. By day four, I had run out of my daily doses of blood thinner, heart regulator, and other medication. My heart began to pump hard and fast. There was a strange sensation in the left side of my chest. I was also down with a violent cough, severe sinus congestion, chest pains, and a sore throat. The pressure points around my face and neck hurt badly. At one stage, I was so unwell I couldn’t get out of bed. I suffered from intense congestion, with copious amounts of bloodied mucus and phlegm flowing non-stop. 

I ordered my heart medication online, but it would take 1 - 2 days to arrive. To relieve my sinus symptoms, throat irritation and cough, I went to a local pharmacy and bought vitamin C, antihistamines, and lozenges. That was when the thought of passing on - perhaps due to a stroke or a heart attack - crossed my mind. The image that surfaced was of me, lifeless, discovered by the cleaner. Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t even worried. No one knew I had fallen sick apart from two KL friends, a training peer, and a potential coaching client I was meant to have a conversation with. There wasn’t much point in telling others - not that they could do anything about it. I truly appreciated my KL friends who consistently checked in to ensure I was all right. 

Throughout the entire episode, I kept mostly to myself. I didn’t want to bother anyone, and strangely, no one came to mind - not my siblings, not my nieces or nephew, not my friends. No one at all. Looking back, I realise I was, in fact, ready to go, had my time been up. I had no responsibilities, no liabilities, and I owed nothing to anyone. And in an odd way, that made me feel very free.

So, to answer my own question - nothing. Just peace.