中文 & i

in recent times, i occasionally faced the challenge of using the chinese language at work. but i could brush it off quite easily as the business dealings in my previous company with mainland chinese were quite limited, at least in my domain of work. nonetheless, i think i should improve myself in this aspect. i cannot assume i will not need to use it in future. for a start, i now try to increase using chinese when i interact with my friends via whatsapp. and lately, there were quite a few occasions where i felt using chinese characters could better bring across my messages. and interestingly, i also find myself pausing very regularly when composing my messages as i was unsure of quite a few (actually, quite a lot of) characters. i mean, i could speak off-the-cuff quite easily, especially when i am relax and at home with the person i interact with, but it is a whole new thing altogether when it comes to composing a sentence in chinese! haha. so, in this entry titled "中文 & i", i shall share about my experiences with the chinese language. incidentally, the character "中" or "center/ central" used in the context of "central asia" reminds me of middle earth of lotr! lol! ok, ok, i have digressed...

in my life, i had this love-hate relationship with the chinese language and culture. i learned to dislike it when i was a kid in part due to my bad experiences with the language, as well as my dislike for my dad (due to the horror stories my mum shared with me about my paternal grandmother... but that would be another story). and by the time i learned to appreciate the chinese culture and wanted to learn more, i found myself being handicapped by my poor foundation in the language. afterall, an important avenue to appreciate the richness of a 5000-year culture is through understanding the language itself. so here's my story.

when i was in primary school, specifically lower primary, i was rather neutral to the chinese language. i was not strong in it, and neither was i weak in it. it was just another subject to me, a subject that needed a lot more efforts for me cos afterall, we do not speak the mandarin language at home. in fact, i was more at home with malay, given that my mum is peranakan and she would use the malay language when she spoke with my uncles and aunties. well, i was a playful kid and when i was in primary 4, the "in" game to play was with the seed of a local kampong shrub (which i did not know the name). the seed has a pointed-end and was shaped like a small bullet and it was not easy to find. and after class while waiting for our transport to send us home, my classmates and i would use a rubber band to shoot the seed at each other. being shot was one helluva painful but it was fun. one fine day, i chanced upon a seed before class and decided to keep it to play after school. it so happened that we had chinese lessons that day. the teacher was this lady called madam toh (we called her madam toad). she had all the characteristics of a teacher that we as students dislike. she was bossy. she was middle aged. she would scold us whenever she felt we were not listening to her. and top of it all, she seemed to enjoy punishing us. we were constantly fearful of her terrorizing us. added to that, her lessons were always superbly dry. she would simply open the textbook and read character after character. and she would force us to narrate after her... yawns... so, that morning, to keep myself from falling asleep, i took out the seed and started playing with it. next thing i knew, the seed flew and of all places, hit madam toad's middle finger. she gave out a loud scream and demanded for whoever who shot her to own up. there was a sudden silence in the class. she then went on to call out the names of the few students that she felt were the most suspicious. i was not one of them... whew...

of cos everyone denied. and madam toad continued issuing threats to us. i was scared. nonetheless, i decided to own up. that was the right thing to do i told myself. i gingerly stood up, and i apologized. but madam toad was not a forgiving person. next thing i knew she stormed towards me, pulled my ear, dragged me to the front of the class and demanded an explanation. i told her it was an accident and i was really sorry. she wouldn't accept my explanation and insisted i had done it becos i disliked her. and with that, she held on tightly to my ears and dragged to the principal's office. i was given a dressing down. the next day, i was told to report to the principal's office at 7.15am, 15 minutes before the school assembled for our morning assembly. after the national anthem was sung, i was marched up onto the stage and in front of the whole school, i was given a public caning. that incident scarred me. it killed my interest (or whatever little i had) in the chinese language. i hated madam toad. she had maligned me. she had caused me to be publicly embarrassed. i started to avoid her class, or even when i was in class, my mind would wonder off. and with that, i started failing all my chinese tests, and exams. from then on, i struggled with my chinese language. and my dislike for the subject increased with time and ultimately screwed up my foundation in it.

the resultant poor foundation led me to continuously fail my chinese exams all the way up to my secondary school and even my junior college days. when i was in secondary school, my form teacher suggested for me to switch from chinese to malay as a second language given that i had performed very well for my bahasa kebangsaan (at that time, we had to take english as a first language, chinese [or tamil] as a second language and malay as the national language). she rationalized that it would be easier for me to pass malay given the fact that i spoke malay too at home. but i decided to continue with chinese as my second language. when i was in secondary 4, i had 2 chances for my chinese papers during my "o" levels. for both, i obtained a "d7" or "subsidiary pass" grade. nonetheless, i was not too bothered for that was the minimum grade needed for entry into the junior college.

in junior college, i told myself i should try minimally to get a "c6" for my "ao" levels exams. and so, i joined the chinese orchestra in my efforts to learn the language better. i rationalized that since my chinese was really bad, a good start would be to be able to speak it. this was given a push was i failed the audition for the college choir group. i screwed up during the audition and sang out of tune. for that matter, i was not prepared for it and when asked to sing a song, i totally went blank and the song that came to me was majulah singapura, the singapore national anthem. and even then, i sang out of tune! it was so embarrassing! haha! anyway, my joining of the chinese orchestra was one of the best thing that happened to me. the initial discomforts of being immersed in an environment that was so "cheena" eventually led to the start of my discovery process and the appreciation of the chinese culture. and becos of the fact that people in the chinese orchestra were mainly chinese-ed people, i was thus forced to converse in mandarin. as for the exams, i was allowed 3 tries for the chinese at the "ao" level. for all 3 tries, i obtained "d7". i used to joke to people that getting a d7 at "ao" level after getting the same grade for the "o" levels could be considered an improvement... and to top it all off, despite being more comfortable with speaking chinese, i also failed my oral exams! haha! it was a little disappointing but well, i was able to gain entry into the university as "d7" was the minimal grade needed.

after my junior college days, i do speak chinese pretty often. in fact, i use the chinese language almost all the time with bee. other than that, there was never the need to use the chinese language officially. and despite the push by the government to use the chinese language in view of the rising red tide, i was never really motivated to read or write it. but looking ahead, i think i should try harder to do it. it is a useful language to pick up (again).

heh heh...

post-script: lesson learnt, in life, kids need to be respected too. they are individuals who have pride. guide them well, encourage them positively and listen to them. mistakes made can become important teaching moments. you will do them great disjustice if you belittle them, embarrass them and punish them unreasonably...

picture from http://www.easy604.com/i

a dinner almost destroyed

met up with natkean for dinner last night. it was our first meet up after corresponding so much over this blog as well as over whatsapp. we arranged to meet after his work and i picked him up at bedok before making our way for a peranakan dinner. heh heh. i took the liberty to order the dishes, ayam buah keluak, chap chye, bakwan kepiting, ngoh hiang complete with lime juice with agar agar. dinner was ok (natkean said it was good) but the company was better. and natkean asked me this interesting question - are you always so caring? - after i scooped some of the dishes for him. i thought i was being courteous. well... we made our way for ice cream (the real one ya) after that at a nearby shopping center. as i parked my car... mum called.

you said your dinner had ended. how come you are still not home!? people came to the house and told me you went out with that person from bedok! never mind, never mind... you bluff me!!!

hmmm... delusion and anxiety working up again. afternoon medication wearing off. it must be. and with that call, the dinner meeting ended soon after. are such abrupt endings to be expected when there is a sick elderly at home? could have been longer. could have had a happy ending (not that type of happy ending hor)... but well, at least there was a chance to meet up. 

focused use of capacities

today, i learned a lesson about letting go of the past and using whatever limited capacities i have to what matters most. and it was when i decided to clear some space in the store room in my efforts to better organize mum's things.

you see, since moving into my place, mum has some of her clothes still kept in plastic bags. she maintained there was no need to unpack them as she didn't have the need to wear them. but things got unsightly over time and i decided i should do some reorganizing. and today, i decided to move some stuff in her room to the store room. when i took a look inside, i realized there i had kept many things in the room and need to discard some things in order to create space. of cos there were many things inside. these include a study table that james (my ex) bought, my military gear, a whole box of old copies of national geographic, and so on. these were things that has some sort links to my past. after some initial apprehensions, i decided to discard all of them. for the military stuff, there was quite a bit of resistance. after all, i had spend more than half my life in there. i held up my helmet, the skeleton battle order (sbo), boots, etc. i saw my name tag and i hesitated. but in the end, i threw away them all away, including my old epaulettes, my beret, military cap, formal accessories, etc etc etc. despite the initial hesitation, the process was actually quite easy after throwing the initial items. i kept reminding myself, i came with nothing and i will go with nothing. also, why keep things from an organization that doubted my professionalism and decided i was not good enough for them due to my sexuality. in the end, i retained only the new uniforms and a couple of office attire, just in case i am called back to do my reservist.

and am amazed with the amount of space i have created. took me quite a while to do it. but it was a good thing i did it. after clearing the space, i managed to unpack all of mum's clothes and hang them all in the cupboard. well, she seemed rather pleased by this and did not give me much issues today. as for me, i managed to get things better organized. and i also felt rather good about it. and i reflected and thought, yes there was indeed a lesson learned. in life, don't be too sentimental and hold on to things. it can be very draining and takes up a lot of unseen space. look forward, whatever capacities you have are better given to the present and those that appreciate and acknowledge you.

:-)

gay = happy? bullshit!

why are homosexuals referred to as gay when almost all of us are anything but happy? was it a name that was coined to reflect the state of being that we want to be or perhaps coined with a deep sense of cynicism and/ or sarcasm, knowing jolly well that as an individual, or for that matter, as a community, we will never ever be truly happy? i mean, isn't it really really weird that we have to constantly struggle to be acknowledged and accepted by people around us? when all we want is to be just normal people, living as part of a family, community, society...? and why do many of us end up having to single-handedly look after our elderly parent, just because we are not married? wtf!

hmmm... i just had a super bad day, and ya, you know it is with who, and am feeling one helluva blah now. 

post script: have taken a read from wiki and it gives an interesting explanation of the history behind the term "gay"... and oh, a gay man actually refers to a womanizer a long time back, before it was used to refer to the homosexual man! heh...

picture from http://www.paradisenudismhotel.com

& i ran...

am happy to blog here that after close to 9 years, i finally ran 5 km without stopping today! heh heh... and for the first time in many months, my bmi (body mass index) has drop to below 25. very motivating indeed. 

:-)

nice lunches

have made a point to meet up with friends for lunches these days. and this week alone, i met up with an ex-colleague, larry, as well as with dilbert. really great catching up and a really good break for me. and of cos, there will be more lunches next week too! heh heh...

:-)

prc vs prc

well, there have been numerous, in fact, countless complains about prcs in singapore. so much so to the extend that it was a little too much even for me. yup, i do think there are some individuals whose behaviour are not socially responsible, but come on, life is stressful enough, live and let live. we certainly cannot, from the bad behaviour of these one or two individuals, generalize them to be that of all prcs. let's not pick on people so much until it made us look so unforgiving and worst still, unreasonable. 

and talking about prcs, there is something that i wanted to share. and this is about one particular person who works at the coffee shop near my place. you see, i go to this coffee shop to buy my kopi-o (coffee black) rather often. and every time i go there, i would be served by a pair of prc girls. now, these girls are really hardworking. also i do admire them for their efficiency, customer-focused, and cheerful demeanor whenever i get coffee from them. also, these girls can really be very firm with customers who tried to pull a fast one. very professional i thought. and frankly, while many of us in the neighbourhood still see them as prcs, we do not really take them to be any different from other staff and have accepted them as part of the heartland cos they have learned how things work and have assimilated into our way of getting things done. 

recently, i noticed that one of the girls had stopped work and a new girl had joined the team. she is also from china and being new to the environment, she was made to wear a tag with the words "trainee". and being new, this girl was naturally a little clumsy. in addition to that, her english was really bad. and so, the other remaining seasoned prc girl naturally became the senior and coach. and i was so shocked to see how this senior treats this new prc girl. really, don't ever mess with prc girls... they can be customer-focused, friendly, etc... but when it comes to coaching, and supervising a newbie (who also hail from their own country), they can be a really really big bitch! the way she insist how things need to be done, how she must talk to customers, how she must carry herself, how she must tie to coffee takeaway, etc etc etc... and to top it off, she really talk down on this new girl. it is like as though she was telling the newbie "look! we are from prc and the way these people are looking at us is bad enough, so don't give people the additional excuse to look down on us!" and most interesting of all, the new trainee prc girl took it all in stride. no complains. i am sure if such treatment is meted out to a singaporean, he/ she would have taken a chopper and threaten to kill the senior! haha!

and for that, i do have a new found respect for the never die attitude of prcs!

broken recorder

well, if you have noticed, i have not really blogged about mum these days... in fact, i deliberately, consciously, try not to blog about her. and i did so becos i realized i will sound like a broken recorder. just keep repeating and repeating. i reckoned that even if my readers do not get tired reading them, i myself will get tired repeating myself. 

haha... so yes, i just take it that unless otherwise stated, everything about her has been rather consistent, in terms of the suspicions, the tantrums, the emotional abuse, some rather disturbing allegations (which i shall not blog about, that even my sister felt terribly disturbed), la la la... and of course, there is one little update here. i went to the mental institute and asked the doctor what is her condition called specifically. i wanted some clearer indication from him. i have read about parkinsons, alzheimers, dementia, and so on and all her symptoms seemed to be mentioned in all these different conditions. and the doctor put it very simply to me. you mum has early stage dementia. ok, at least that is clear enough to me... and he also asked me to "play around" with the medication (i.e, adjust the dosage) depending on her condition. in addition, the doctor also mentioned that he would be referring her to the geriatric clinic too. 

well... that's the update for now. 

:-)

being closeted vs coming out

i read this somewhere before...

when i come out, my parents go into the closet...

do you agree? it is an interesting sentence. but i reflected on it and from my angle, i thought, hmmm... how very true. and if you know the challenges of being in the closet, do you think it is a fair thing to put your parents into the closet? or perhaps, come out halfway, to people who are accepting, and not to people who are not accepting of homosexuality? well, i supposed there are many answers, and all are debatable. and i also guess most of us chose the in-between answer. whatever it is, there are no right and not wrong. it really depends on a person's point of view, whether he/ she wants to take on a self-centric point of view, the circumstances that he/ she is in, his/ her upbringing, his/ her extended family, their perspective of homosexuality and so on.

so... yup, i do not think there is a standard answer. 

what works for you might not work for me. 

and vice versa.

picture from http://www.rolereboot.org

tips on cooking vegetarian dishes

have been cooking lotsa vegetarian food for mum lately. so i thought it would be useful for me to also blog some of the recipes and tips on cooking vegetarian food. initially i had lotsa tensions about how to cook vegetarian food. afterall, one cannot include the usual ingredients and condiments like garlic and onions. so, tofu-based food become one of the most important ingredients to include. and to add variety to the various dishes, i also experimented with vegetarian dishes with porridge, vegetarian mee tai mak, vegetarian noodles, vegetarian kuay teow soup etc.  the following are some things one can consider to spice things up...

• buy tofu or tau kwa, smash it up, add a little salt and fry the smashed tofu till crispy. this fried tofu is a very useful topping to throw onto any fried vegetable dishes. and the small bits of salt gives the dish an added texture and taste in addition to the flavourful tofu taste that comes with it.

• instead of adding salt to tau kwa before deep frying it, try doing it without adding any salt. the tau kwa itself makes a wonderful dish and without the salt, one can better taste the tofu taste.

• use different types of fresh mushrooms when you stir fry the vegetable. fresh mushrooms, especially shiitake mushrooms, gives the dish a smoother feel and fragrance. use golden mushroom if you prefer a light hint of  sweetness. on the other hand, if you prefer the stronger taste, you can use dried mushrooms. do note, however, that if you use dried mushrooms, you can use the water (used to soak the mushroom) so as not to waste the flavour of the mushroom.

• for variety, you can consider buying those canned vegetarian dishes (eg vegetarian abalone, vegetarian duck, etc) and adding them to the dishes. but do not overdo this cos canned food tend to come with lots of preservatives and is not good for health.

• use various types of spices to, short of a better word, spice up your dishes. tomatoes, parsley, chilli (green or red, fresh or preserved), pepper and so on make wonderful addition to your dishes.

• play around with the different ways of cooking to produce food with different textures. this will make your dishes interesting. deep fried yam, steamed yam, stir fried yam etc all produce different types of taste and experiences for the person eating them.

• make use of food with different colours (chilli, tomatoes, flowers, etc) to make your dishes look interesting and less boring.

heh... there are many more tips i have learned... will add along the way. and one thing i have learned, vegetarian cooking can be fun and interesting! and of cos, healthy too if you do it correctly.

enjoy!

running & i

i have started running again since mid-dec 12. and i have made a resolution this year to continue to do so. and thus far, i am glad to say that i have been able to do so. and despite the fact that the distance is no more than 2-3km, it is a tremendous feat for me given that i had not been able to run properly since 2005. and i treasure my new found ability. and it is something i will wanna keep.

i have always loved running. since my late teens i run minimally twice a week. most of the time, the distance would be about 3-5km. and in my mid-20s, i peaked at 10-15km daily, 7 days a week. in fact, at one time, i was so addicted to running, i would even run when i was down with high fever. however, despite my love of running, i have never gone for any marathon. the furthest i had gone for was 21km, half-marathon.

the thing about running is that it keeps me going. it keeps my body warm. it brings me back to health when i feel a cold coming. it helps me stay on-the-go. and most importantly, it clears my mind. running is a very individualistic sport. while in the army, a lot of runs were done as a platoon/ company, most of my runs were done alone. and i would run with my headphone on. the music would provide me with the rhythm and helped pace me. and during these runs, i would go into myself. i would reflect about things, think through my problems, and so on. 

i came out in 1996. and between the years 1996-1999, my weekend evenings were spend primarily at the east coast park running. that was a hot place for gay guys on weekends. and it was during that period that i got to know many many friends. and of course, met with several heartaches. but well, it opened me up to a brand new sub-culture. nonetheless, my knees began to hurt during this period. i had over-run and my knees were showing signs of wear and tear. with the advice of a good friend, i subsequently reduced my running distance and frequency. i started doing more brisk walking.

2005 was a defining year for me on many fronts, including running. that was one of the most tense period in my life. i was at the tail-end of my relationship with james and i also dating bee. it was a very stressful period. and it was this time that the security department outed me. my stress level shot up. i lost more than 15% of my body weight. i went into depression. so i intensified my running in my attempt to manage my stress. and during one of the runs, i twisted my left ankle. if you have ever seen an ankle that twisted such that the sole of the feet faces the sky, you can appreciate the pain i felt. my left ankle swell to the size of a medium sized papaya and the pain persisted for 6 months. i had problems walking and no amount of chinese sinseh chakuat could help. 

i finally sought help from the hospital. i was found to have broken one of the metatarsal and was put of steroid treatment to manage the swell and to aid the recovery. the doctor told me i would never be able to run like i did previously anymore. you can never imagine the scare i felt seeing a needle being poked into my left ankle. but it had to be done to deliver the steroid into the depth of my ankle. i went through at least 3 times. and to prevent my ankle from collapsing, i was put on orthotics. the orthotics height had to be readjusted every 6 months to a year. since then, i could not run more than a few hundred meters. and after that, i would not be able to stand properly. i could not even walk properly. my calves would hurt like crazy every time i run. also, i will be incapacitated and had to rest at home the day after i went shopping. it was just that bad.

till today, i still need to wear the orthotics. my bad ankles, coupled with my bad knees, affected my back. i suffered non-stop backaches. and added to that with my cervical spondylosis (degeneration of my neck/ cervical bones) that i sustained as a result of a fall during a jungle training in 1994, i was literally waiting for the day my whole body would just collapse. i lost my momentum. as a result, my health was affected. my aerobic fitness deteriorated. i grew fat. i got weaker by the days. for the last couple of years, i started my chiropractic treatment. i hoped to be able to use this opportunity to straighten my spine, and slowly, start to exercise and pick up running again.

thus, my recent new found momentum in running is something i want to keep. i will work hard at it. frankly, i do feel the pain in my knees creeping in again. of cos logic tells me to go slow and not rush. but surely, i will continue to work on my new found abilities to run and to exercise regularly.

:-)

picture from http://chestertheatre.org/

jumping & dying

i seemed to have this thing about chancing on dead people. to be more specific, people who have killed themselves by jumping off tall buildings. this is one of the surest way to die if you ask me. anyway, this afternoon, after having lunch with bee, i decided to drop by the pool for a swim and a tan. and just as i was about to turn into the pool car park, i noticed quite a few police cars at a block of flats (public housing) nearby. the police had also cordoned off this block of flats and erected a small blue tent on the ground. hmmm... typical indicators of a suicide scene.

well, this was not the first time i came across such incidents. in fact, this was probably the 3rd (or 4th) time for me. and as usual, i would feel sad for the deceased and their family members. the worst i have experienced was some 30-over years back when i lived in marine parade. i could still recall the incident cos that was my first and the worst. it happened one early afternoon when i was at home. and there was this loud yet low-pitched "kkhhok!!!" sound that came from a point block (25-storey block of flat) some distance away. it made me and my neighbours rush out of our house to check out what made that sound and where it came from. and even before we could confirm what happened, a loud wailing scream broke out. i rushed down to the block to take a look. there was a mangled body on the ground. the head was broken, not much different from a crushed coconut. and the brains were scattered all over the car park. it was a gross sight. and just then, a woman appeared. she was screaming, wailing, crying, altogether at once, uncontrollably. that scene was forever etched onto my mind.

what i saw earlier reminded me again of this sight. not very nice i must say. and whatever the reasons may be that this person killed himself/ herself i do pray that he/ she will be able to rest in peace.

i did not swim/ tan in the end. 

ps: my sis-in-law had a similar experience, only that hers was so much more traumatic cos she came from china and, apart from being foreign to such "falling objects", death is something really taboo to her. and of cos, her experience was worst than mine cos she was looking out of the window when someone fell in front of her. and next thing she knew, the body crashed onto the ground. instinctively she looked down and she saw the dead body, totally smashed up... poor girl, my domestic help told us her face turned completely green at that moment and she almost fainted. she was totally traumatized.

meeting karsten

i met up with karsten for a quick tan and lunch yesterday.

karsten is a good friend of mine. he is an expatriate who had worked in south east asia for the last 15 years (or more). i must have known him for hmmm, 8? or easily10 or maybe more years. when i first know him, he resided in singapore. and since 6 years ago (i think it is 6), he had moved over to malaysia given his job commitments. we have kept in contact on and off over the years. 

despite having relocated to malaysia, he would come over to singapore weekly to keep himself updated with his countrymen and to keep himself sane. well, i said sane becos he feels strongly that jb is quite backward in terms of the variety of stuff he can get and the lifestyle that he has been so used to... anyway, we met up for a tan at the pool (that i used to tan) before lunching. 

he had this crave for laksa (a peranakan coconut-based curry noodle dish), and we went to the famous katong laksa store for lunch. heh heh... being ang mo ("red haired" / local lingo for "caucasian") and despite all these years in singapore/ malaysia, he is still not used to very spicy food. so, while he enjoyed the laksa tremendously, just like a local, he has not gone further to the extend of adding additional sambal (chilli paste) into the soup like what most of us would do. 

as for me, it was the usual laksa with additional serving of cockles and extra dollops of sambal! and of cos, it was man-oogling time throughout lunch! after that it was bitching session over a cuppa at the shopping center. heh heh... it was a good day out indeed. the thing about good old friends is that we do not meet often, but when we meet, the conversation just flows and there is almost no taboo topics between us. and it was just bitch bitch bitch...

:-)

picture from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laksa

of door knobs & locks

i have been very insistent about mum not locking her bedroom door when she sleeps. but she simply refused to heed my words. in fact, it had almost become a reflex action of hers. she believes bee and his mum will kill her as she is in their way of wanting to take over my property. although it sounds totally illogical and even like a joke to us, her fear is very real to her. and so, for the last many many months, whenever she walks into her room, she'd lock her door automatically. and when she does so, the danger of me not being able to reach her when and if she gets choke, gets an asthma attack, gets a heart attack, etc become very very real. and certainly, there were several occasions where she couldn't drag herself to unlock the door due to her breathlessness.

to a very large extend, it is my fault cos i had lost the keys to her room. and i had earlier procrastinated about changing the lock (the door knob type where one needs to press a button from inside to lock it). now, it is almost impossible for me to do anything to her lock cos she is superbly suspicious of my every single action. i had wanted to change the lock last month but given her condition, it was not appropriate. and this week, 2 days ago to be specific, i finally got a window of opportunity when she finally decided to head to the rehab center.

now, i had 2 choices. i could replace it with a new door knob/ lock or i could manipulate the existing lock to prevent it from locking. key to these options is the need to allow me to open the door whenever i want from outside. if i replace it, i would have a new set of keys and she can lock herself in for all she cares. but i decided against this option. i was sure her imagination would run wild when she sees a new door knob. and her sense of security would totally disappear. and so i decided to tamper with the locking mechanism. heh heh... got my screw driver and dismantle the door knob, analyzed how the locking mechanism works and decipher how i could jam it. in the end, i decided the easiest way would be to stuff some cardboard paper into the locking mechanism to prevent it from fully locking. but i had to make sure she can still press the button so as to give her the impression that she had indeed lock her door from inside. after making sure it works, i assembled it again.

heh heh... the litmus test was when that night itself when she retired to sleep. as usual, i went into my room first to give her the assurance that i will not be going out. and i heard her go into her room and she  pressed the lock... and it all went quiet. everything worked well...

:-)

emotional abuse

again i am documenting my mum's behavior. frankly, i get a tat tired of writing this again and again.

last evening, after i cooked dinner and ate together with her, i decided to head out to the shopping center to do some shopping. i also wanted to buy banana for her. at the shopping center, i called back and asked if she wanted durian (her favourite fruit). she said ok and i proceeded to drive to get it for her. after driving some 20min, she called and said she didn't want the durians already. i thought it was weird cos it is not her to reject any offers of durians... and i headed home. when i entered the house,  she gave me a very weird look. and then she asked "so you went out with that woman again right?"... i half-laughingly asked her what woman and which woman, to which she replied (with the same evil look on her face) "never mind, never mind..."

today, i went to the market to get grocery and to eat breakfast. came home almost immediately and got the usual evil look from her. and she asked "how come you go out so long?" and she proceeded to do a thorough check of what i bought. and through the whole morning she kept stealing evil glances at me when i walk around the house, the kind of glance from the corner of her eyes. and worst of all, whenever she looked at me, she would carry and evil smile on her face. yikes! her behaviour towards me was no better when i did the housework. she chided me for sweeping the floor "floor so clean, why sweep the floor?!" and this was despite the obvious presence of sapphie's fur flying all over. also, she did the same when i mopped the floor. i simply explain to her that things are dirty and needed cleaning. otherwise, i did not really entertain her constant chiding. once done, i proceeded to cook for her. halfway through, she came into the kitchen and said "why? how come the vegetable so fast cook?" it was obvious from her tone that she was not convinced i did the cooking. finally, when i placed the cooked dishes on the dining table, she asked "how come cook so much?" which was weird cos it was only a small portion. and after all the cooking, she refused to eat what i cooked, choosing to only eat the plain porridge.

these are her usual suspicions towards my every actions and the constant hostilities i get from her. much has been said about not internalizing it, and more importantly, not to feel the strains of emotional abuse. but it is easier said than done, especially when i am at the receiving-end all the time. to make things more challenging, i need to constantly be aware of and to calibrate my responses to her. this is becos she will suddenly go cranky if she perceives my responses (or non-response) as hostile. and when that happens, i will have to do the damage control and pick up the pieces.

but yeah... life goes on. be positive. she's a sick person. 

that is my new year resolution.

cruised by an indian

i have been exercising almost everyday/ every other day since the final weeks of last month. and it certainly feels good. i sleep better, i eat better (but i control) and i can certainly say - i feel a lot better. over the past couple of days, i have started running in the evening at about 8.30pm - about 2 hours after my light dinner and 4 hours before my bedtime. my running route would take me through my estate and round the business park nearby. and this evening, something happened freaked me out! 

i was cruised by a south asian! he should be a construction worker cos there are a lot of constructions around there and most of the construction workers are south asians. what happened was, i had just finished my run at the exercise ground in the park. and as per usual, i took off my singlet, left it on the bench and started doing my push ups, etc. and i did slow jogs around the exercise area as part of my warming down. 

as i did so, i saw a figure cycle towards me. i felt a little uneasy cos the place was very poorly lit. nonetheless, i could figure out it was a south asian. and for that moment, i was reminded of the recent indian rape case. yup, me and my wild imagination. haha... and i couldn't help but heave a sigh of relieve when he cycled pass me.  but my sense of comfort was short-lived. he cycled on for some 20m further... and then he made a u-turn! 

aiyoyo! oh no! and when he reach the bench (where i left my singlet), he got off his bike, and sat there. as he sat, he stared at me and before i knew it, and he started talking in what sounded like tamil... and moments later, he started making some gurgling noise. freaked me out totally! i took my stuff and quickly ran off! thankfully, he did not follow!

hahah!

goddess @ bedok

one of the places that i bring mum for her breakfast frequently is the hawker center at bedok north. and this is becos mum's vegetarian and there is this vegetarian store there that sells a rather good variety of vegetarian food that taste good and at a very affordable price. and i would also buy the you char kueh from one of the store. once a while i would chat with the hawkers, ask about their well-being, about their business and so on. now, the store owners of the stores i frequent know my "standard" orders and would prepare the food before i could even get a seat. and they are also nice enough to help me find a table where i can wheel my mum to. there were times where they even ask some customers to vacate the table for us! so nice of them right? ha!

now, in this post, i want to write about the uncle that sells you char kueh. he has a low iq son. and we know this cos his son would come to help him out on weekends and he would behave in a rather weird manner. a little off, if you know what i mean. you char kueh uncle is a rather reserved person who does not chat easily. he would simply prepare his fare and his son would do the selling. once a while, i would ask about his business and whether things are good with him. he would simply smile and nods his head. some time last month, you char kueh uncle asked me if there are any other persons helping me look after mum, and whether i was working... it was interesting cos this uncle usually do not talk to his customers. i told him about my unemployment accordingly and again, he nodded his head and smiled. he gave me some words of encouragement and i thanked him and left. we didn't talk further after that. and yesterday, i went to his store to buy you char kueh for mum again. his son was not around (schooling i believe) and he came forward. he took a look at me, and from out of no where, he said the following to me (in hokkien)...

you need to get a job, not a wise idea to get dry because of your mum. and you need to look after yourself, your mum is probably in a state where she is no longer logical. it is difficult looking after her cos she will scold you, and she will say hurtful words, but please do not take it to heart, do not let the words get into you. i know cos i have walked this path, as long as your conscience are clear. look after yourself, if not, before she goes, you will go. and that is not good. she is old, and you have a life ahead, learn to let her go now. she is no longer a normal person. give yourself breaks whenever you need. go out, do not feel guilty. do not take her words to heart and carry on with your life. 

i was totally stunt. for out of no where, you char kueh uncle said all these things and it was so timely cos mum's mental health had only recently deteriorated. as we chatted, mum just looked at us talking, wondering what transpired. it was interesting. at the hawker center, there is often this difficult and invisible wall between the hawkers and customers given the perceived difference in social status. and to get you char kueh uncle shared with me a list of treasures and advices so willingly, it felt so good. i will always remember his words of encouragements and advice. i am thankful to him for that.

and really, for that moment, i do not see uncle talking to me, i see the manifestation of the goddess of mercy.

amitofo!

picture from http://www.pureinsight.org/node/1658

mum's condition & behavior

well, thought i'd document mum's condition and behavior as a way to capture what she's experiencing and going through...

• emotional and mood swings
• throws tantrums
• problems communicating
• stubborn
• rude
• curt
• often cannot recall recent things
• confuse old experiences with current day people/ experiences
• confuse people with characters from her past
• highly suspicious of people wanting to harm her
• highly rebellious
• highly insecure
• keeps calling people on her phone non-stop
• keeps asking same questions over and over again
• resists food, especially if it is from people she suspects
• keeps wanting to drink water
• resists medications
• restless hand that keep scratching any surface she places them on
• occasional insomnia
• incontinence
• constipation
• ...

ok, these are some of the things i can rattle off quickly, will document as i go along...

ajahn brahm talk

happily, i attended a talk by ajahn brahm at the temple yesterday with bee and a couple of friends. the talk centered on the happiness journey and lots of good simple lessons were shared. here's some... too bad i couldn't write more cos my phone died on me... sighs!

• leave the problems behind, learn the reasons why things become positive and make the positives more positive
• learn how to forgive, learn and grow. learn to recreate the happiness
• learn to upgrade, in bigger heart, in happiness, and not in material things
• define progress correctly, progress in the growth of the heart
• don't worry about face. It is not what others think of you, but what you yourself think of yourself, know yourself, love yourself. that is what being happy is about.
• regardless of what trauma happens to you, transform your negatives and make them positive for you. open your heart to yourself, let yourself in. only than can you transform yourself, happiness comes in, compassion comes in. you'll find you have peace of mind, everything that happened has a reason.
• when you experience extreme negatives in life, change your attitude, don't try to get rid of the experience, embrace it, let it into your heart. then healing will start, and love will start, happiness will come in.
• death is natural, your job as a doctor is to care, not cure. open the door of your heart.
• regardless of your sexuality, political affiliation, professions, faith, we will care for you, not cure you (by changing you)
• it is always win win in buddhism, if we try to care, we will cure more. put care in front of cure and cure will take place. think patch adams!
• as a parent.
• treat your children kindly, when they grow up. they may go away for a while, a long while, but they will come back, and when they do so, they will appreciate you a lot a lot more.
• trust your children, don't cage them up, open the cage, let them go, let them grow. cage them up and they will not come back to you once they have a chance to go! give your kids a break! they will make mistakes, they will hurt themselves, but they will learn! they will inherit the immune system of the disease kind and of the heart kind. if you are really caring of your kids, let them go, let them learn!
• as children.
• we are not perfect, there were times we weren't kind to our parents. we will feel guilty. but we must learn to forgive ourselves. we love our parents, we do make our parent's lives miserable, but know that our parents love us, they will forgive us. and with this, we must also learn to forgive ourselves.
• if you love someone, tell them!!!

the most important thing i learned in the talk is "care not cure". often, we cannot cure people (of their sexuality, their illnesses, their death, their crime...) but we can care for them. show them love, respect them, and open our hearts to them. but to be able to do 100%, we must first face up to ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves.

when we can do this, we will be happy.

picture from http://www.buddhistfellowship.org/cms/

serendipity

remember the vietnamese boy that i spoke of? the one that worked at the shopping center restaurant? i have not blog about him since the time when he said he would be leaving. and the last time i spoke with him (in dec), he affirmed that he would be leaving 6 jan. and i said i would meet him again to wish him goodbye. but the days passed and i did not get to meet him due to mum's mental deterioration. and on the 6 jan, i was out for something that i couldn't really recall. and so, i took it that he had left and gone back to vietnam and that was it. 

i went out with an ex-colleague for lunch today at tanjong katong. and it was a great lunch. gorged myself of bak kut teh, stewed pig's trotters, large intestines, tang-o, you char kueh, complete with a bowl of rice... yumz. and after that, had a cup of chendol ice cream! double yumz... ok, where was i... oh ok, after lunch, as we were about to cross the road, i saw a couple trying to cross the road too. hmm... the guy looked familiar. and he gave me that familiar look too. and wham! it was that vietnamese boy! haha. totally didn't expect it and initially thought it couldn't be. but indeed it was him. i couldn't really recognise him cos he was always with his chef's head dress whenever we meet (at the shopping center). we spoke briefly, and came to understand that when he said leaving on 6 jan, he had meant leaving the restaurant and not singapore. heh! anyway, found out his departure to vietnam would be next week! managed to exchange numbers and we would likely meet up before he leaves...

hahaha!

cock-up apple products

know why many of our recent apple i-products (such as my iPhone!) cock-up so often? here's what a friend told me jokingly. the answer is in the product itself. ok, turn off your phone and turn it on again. what do you see?

a bitten and cracked apple!

lol!

picture from http://iblack-apple.blogspot.sg/2012/12/apple-logo-history.html

"evil bee"

bee came over to pick up some stuff and woooohhh... you should have seen the evil looks that mum gave him! her face was so so so blllacccckkkk! she didn't even bother to acknowledge him when he called her. and with his short visit, she went mental again and started suspecting my every single moves after he left.

well, i learnt from my sis yesterday that mum told her there are 2 ladies by the name of tan kim hong and bee lian, and they, together with bee, are instigating me to harm her... ok, ok... same old stories. but i now take it that she is a mental person and so... no use getting upset by it. rather, i feel sad that she is like that. then again, that is her karma, she cannot let go of her past. and so, it has caught up with her. 

life of a dementia person...

sad. but what to do?

one more month...

one more month. at least. well, to be realistic, i think it would be another 2 months minimally before i get that job i was hoping for. you see, the company that interviewed me responded today, telling my headhunter, that they will only review the position that they interviewed me for at the end of jan. so...

reflecting, i think this is to be expected given that the company has just announced some major restructuring and that my position, that is a non-p&l one, would likely be reviewed a lot later. and let's say if they review the position end of the month, and take say 2 weeks to decide, the answer with regards whether i will be hired will only come in in mid-feb. and that means i will start work sometime in mar. 

hmmm...

les miserables

lk, schneider, bee and i went to watch les miserables last evening. and i felt so miserable watching it. it was quite a difficult 3 hours. this was despite the fact that i went in with no expectations. also,  i had few recollections of the storyline as i watched the musical about a decade ago. for a start, the cinema i went to boasts itself as one that can give its audience a totally immersive experience, complete with full digital screening, super solid sound systems, comfortable seats and so on. well, everything that they boasted did not disappoint, for we did experience the crisp digital clarity and the sensurround sound during the preshow segment. it really brought the whole theatre to live and built up our expectations on the experience. but once the show started, the sound from the movie totally fell flat. yup, the sound production failed big time. and it was against the bad start that we were brought through 3 hours of the musical!

in the show itself, i thought the acting was ok. competent but not fantastic, especially russell crowe (inspector avert) and hugh jackman (jean valjean), who would probably be better off as wolverine in x-man. and yes, i really love the rendition of i have a dream by anne hathaway (who played fantine). it was really impressive and mesmerising. similarly, i was also totally blown away by singing of eddie redmeyne who played the love of cosette (amanda seyfeid of mamma mia fame). i also enjoyed the performances of the children who brought lots of joy to the otherwise bleak and unimpressive show. however, the same could not be said of russell crow and hugh jackman's singing. as they played a leading roles in the show, their below average singing were the main reasons why the whole show fell flat. i was not surprised to see a couple of people walking out of the theatre halfway through the show.

nonetheless, as schneider said before the show started, a lot of people said we should not walk into the show with any expectations, especially if we have watched the musical. so... nonetheless, being an optimist, i must say it was a good night off with my friends and the show gave me a good opportunity to see and experience first hand the new systems of the recently renovated cinema and kill some time, and of cos, be entertained by one or two very good singers in the show. i only wished that these gifted singers were given more airtime.

picture from http://thewrittenheart.blogspot.sg/2012/12/les-miserables.html

搭錯車

a dear friend just forwarded me the video of an upcoming musical (above) that he will be acting in. the musical is called "glass anatomy" and it follows broadly the storyline of the hugely popular chinese show "papa can you hear me sing" or 搭錯車 (translated as "taking the wrong bus/ car" literally). 

i had watched the show in 1983, 30 years ago when i was in sec 4, and my memory of the show now was totally off. my impression was that the show was about how 2 girls left their village to the city and was raped in the bus. haha... it was quite embarrassing cos i went on and on about the trauma, etc. and my friend was like hmmm... he is acting in the show but certainly, there was nothing about buses, rapes and all the drama. haha! he must have been totally confused by me. well, i guessed as a young boy who had just experienced puberty, everything about my life then was about sex. and perhaps that was why what i recalled was the sex and the vice.

but of cos, the actual story is far from the sex and the vice. it is more about an adopted girl and her new found fame. and how, as a result of this fame, she forsake her dad out of embarrassment. this was despite her adopted dad's love for her. her dad, who was a retired army veteren, had devoted his life to bring her up after he found her amongst the trash one day when he was out picking bottles. the poor dad died eventually and the girl found him too late... haha... my summary of cos cannot do justice to the richness and depth of the storyline that was written and set against a backdrop of social change in taiwan during the early 80s.

but ya, i look forward to the musical!

end of week 1

haha... initially, wanted to write about mum and her deteriorating mental health and the havoc she is currently wrecking in the house, but thought i should instead reflect about how the first week of 2013 week. and wow! one week into the year already! that's one kinda fast right?

well, in short, apart from the resolution to get a job, i can confidently say that i have been able to use the list of foci to guide my week. but of cos, i have "reminded" my headhunter about the outstanding item she needed to get back to me. haha. and yes, despite mum's crankiness (that has gotten worst and her constant hostilities towards me), i managed to go for daily exercises, jogs, gone out with bee, friends and colleagues (something which i have not done for a long time), blog, brought sapphie to the beach, etc... in another words, leading a more balanced life. and wow... a year and a half away from all these so called outings made me realized how fast things have changed! i felt so out of place when i went to town last evening. the people looked different. more fashionable, seemed a lot younger, a sense of excitement that i have not sensed for a very long time. and of cos, a lot of gaymen! felt almost like a tourist in my own country!

and amidst all these, i have also deliberately made the effort not to call mum when i go out as i do not want her to have this reliance and to create any unnecessary future expectations. but to ensure she is ok, i have instead roped in my sis to call her and check on her when i am out. my sis would update me after that. i supposed this is the best arrangement for now. i know she is still adjusting to my increased outings but i think it is something she has to accept and to live with it (although i sense that the day when there will be a large eruption of tensions in the family would arise one of these days...) 

so... yup! things are moving along.

adjusting medication

at the mental health institute, the doctor decided to increase her medication dosage for both the morning and the evening daily. i asked if i should also give her the medication in the afternoon too given that her suspicions towards me was very bad by late morning/ early afternoons. the doctor thought about it and said to try his recommended dosage first. he was afraid that giving her the medication 3 times a day would make her too sleepy. but yup, he said adjusting the medication is an important way to manage her anxiety.

and that was what i did, i administered the medication as per the doctor's advise when i returned. yesterday, while i noted that after adjusting the dosage, her anxiety did improve a little bit, there was still a significant level of hostilities and suspicion towards everything i do in the by mid-day. and i decided to give her additional medication in the afternoon. true enough, she fell asleep. it was a peaceful sleep, or rather a power nap for she woke up within 2 hours. and after she woke up, she was perfectly normal. she was able to speak to me like as though nothing has happened. and as per planned, i went out in the evening and she was able to hold herself through the evening.

well, i think i will continue to administer her her medication in the afternoon and see how she respond to this increased dosage. i will also try to sensitize her to having me go out of the house regularly. will see how...

will revisit the doctor again in 2 weeks. 

imitation of life

been reminded of quite a few songs of the 90s. and interestingly, it reminded me of james too. he was (and i am sure he still is) a song freak. would follow almost every song that came out. specifically, uk, and some european hits, hardly us. and the song below from r.e.m was one of the many hits from r.e.m that i particularly like. i called this song the sugar cane song. i actually cannot remember the title of this song except for the fact that there is a word "sugar cane" in it.

and the mtv produced is really very interesting. looked closely and you can see them playing it back and forth non-stop. and every segment, there are people singing the lyrics of the song. amazing indeed.

enjoy!

imitation of life
r.e.m

charades pop skill
water hyacinth.
name by a poet
imitation of life.

like a koi in a frozen pond.
Like a goldfish in a bowl.
i don't want to hear you cry.

chorus (1)
that sugar cane that tasted good.
that cinnamon, that's hollywood.
come on, come on.
no-one can see you try.

you want the greatest thing
the greatest thing since bread came sliced.
you've got it all
you've got it sized.

like a friday fashion show
teenager cruising in the corner
trying to look like you don't try.

chorus (1)
no-one can see you cry.

chorus (1)

this sugar cane, this lemonade
this hurricane, i'm not afraid.
come on, come on.
no-one can see me cry.

this lightning storm, this tidal wave
this avalanche, I'm not afraid.
come on, come on.
no-one can see me cry.

that sugar cane that tasted good.
that's who you are, that's what you could.
come on, come on.
no-one can see you cry.

(repeat last para)

keep on moving

i was on the way to the pool after my chiro and this song from the 90s came on on the radio. i broke into a broad smile. i had totally forgotten about this song by british boyband five! and the lyrics lifted me oh-so-much (given my recent mental stress with mum), and it got me singing aloud as i drove!

and oh, the mtv brought me back to the days of boy bands, shallow songs about in love, falling out of love, breaking up, la la la... very snag to be expressing all these lovey dovey stuff ya? haha... and yes! look at that baggy pants and the typical boy band dance moves that predates hip hop (you can see semblances of it ya?)! lol! but yeah! keep on moving, keep on moving!

keep on moving

five

i woke up today with this feeling

that better things are coming my way (way)

and if the sunshine has a meaning

telling me not to let things get in my way

chorus (1)
when the rainy days are dying

gotta keep on, keep on trying

all the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)

never let go, gotta hold on in

non-stop 'til the break of dawnin'

keep on movin' don't stop rockin' (ahh ahh ahh)

chorus (2)

get on up when you're down

baby, take a good look around

i know it's not much, but it's okay

keep on moving anyway

feels like i should be screaming
trying to get it through to my friends
sometimes it feels that life has no meaning
but I know things will be alright in the end

chorus (1)
chorus (2)
chorus (1)
chorus (2) (twice)

when the rainy days are dying
gotta keep on, keep on trying

bromance

i had a very interesting conversation with a friend this morning. we were sharing with each other about the things we did while we were young(er) with our closest friends. i thought i should write something about it.

i am sure many of us (nope, all of us) do many many things sexual and/ or otherwise with our closest friends when we were younger for the fun of it or part of our sexual discovery process. we keep these things close to our hearts and as secrets between us and our friends. these things may include (secret) skinny dipping in public pools at night, sexual explorations, watching porns, sharing of sex-related stories relating to our own discovery process, mutual masturbation, or simply buying stuff for each other, showing concern for one another... for the last few, these are things that you wouldn't expect a guy to do to another guy if they are straight. haha...

and these are things that will lead to a lot of confusion, soul-search, and so on and can be so misleading especially if one of the guy is gay. why is he so nice to me? is he interested in me? is he also one? should i come out to him? etc etc etc... sounds familiar right? hahaha... also, think about the other permutations, what if one of them is bi, or both are anything but straight but do not know about each other... etc can be very stressful right? also, what would people say when they see two guys so lovey dovey? am sure there will be tons of gossips about them and questions about their sexuality. but well, these things  do happen, especially during our growing up years. the years where friends of the same gender tend to come together more than with the opposite gender. and while some people grow out of it, some people carry on. 

well, today, i think we can refer to such behaviour between 2 persons as bromance. it is a term that fuses between brother and romance. a kinda closeness that one usually associate with brotherly love and yet the relationship between the two parties are not that of brothers. i believe the term bromance is a term coined in recent years to denote a more homo-social attitude between 2 guys. the non-acceptance or decrease in homosocial behavior in societies started since 2 millenia ago with the spread of a more conservative religion and its influence on societal norms. however, in recent year, given the rise of a male image that is more in tuned with his feminine, softer self, and that he is more capable of showing this side of him, there is a need to therefore create words to fill this gap in the english lexicon. 

but well, all these sense-making aside, this is what makes life so interesting right? 

:-)

merepek

well, that was the word mum used when she listened to me describe her behaviour to the mental institute doctor this morning. merepek is a malay word that means "nonsense". well, to be exact, she said "mengapek", the thing with peranakans is that our malay always sound a little off from the mainstream malay pronunciation... haha... and that is why malays have so much problem understanding us! ok, i have digressed.

you see, with her abnormal behaviour as a result of her anxiety over the last week plus, i brought the appointment date forward. i had wanted to go myself cos it would be easier to explain to the doctor without her around. but in the end, things developed such that she came along. and this was becos she refused to go to her rehab center again and wanting to stay at home to ensure i do not mix with bad people or bring them home. but when i told her i would be heading to the clinic, she asked why,  suddenly changed her tone and said she wanted to follow. i thought this was weird and asked what would she do if i was to attend an interview, she got frustrated and said what's wrong with following? i can still wait for you in the car... haha... that was how suspicious she was of me. heh!

anyway, through the whole morning, when at home, and in the car all the way until we entered the doctor's consultation room, she was adamant that i had been suspicious of her intentions towards me. she insisted that it was i, who had been mixing with bad people, la la la... yup, same old story, no further need to elaborate. added to that, she insisted that she is perfectly ok and that there is no more need to see any doctors at the hospital, at the clinics, go for any rehab, etc. i simply refused to entertain her responses and asked her to tell the doctor instead. ok ok, you'll see, i'll tell the doctor alrite, you just watch... she responded angrily. the doctor was surprised to see us as our appointment was supposed to be in mid-jan. but after i explained to him, he understood. during my explanation (in english of cos), she kept giving me that dirty look in her eyes and kept saying merepek. i supposed she couldn't really understand everything i said. of cos, i kept calm and at the end of my explanation, i asked her to speak to the doctor herself (since she said merepek, shall give her the opportunity to dispute what i have said [hah, i am very fair one]). she refused, and i continued to cajole her to do so. i supposed the doctor was superbly seasoned in having such patients for he played along with me... and soon enough, she blared out everything. haha... it was funny, cos everything that she said was exactly what i described to the doctor.

well, i asked the doctor how to deal with her given that she was insistent on following me, suspicious of me heading out of the house, and trying to prevent me from meeting my friends. should i avoid going out (as in give in to her) or should i continue (thereby desensitising her what she has been anxious about). and he said, well, just go on living you life as normally as you can. go out with your friends. we'll see how she respond to the new dosage of her medication. and he told her nicely, why you bother about who he goes out with and where he goes to? young people need to live their life and we older people should just be happy with what we have! as for you, you should be happy he is looking after you... and despite her vehement disagreement with the doctor about letting me live my life, we left it as it was. and yes, there you have it. it was really good to get such an endorsement in my thoughts about what i should do. all things being equal, it made me a little less guilty. 

and as edwin puts it, don't internalize it.

yup, go on and live my life. 

:-)

coming out to pauline

well, i finally decided to come out to pauline. 

no biggie. as i have said so before, i will do it at an appropriate time.  and today, i thought i should come out to her. just felt right. don't ask why. i will leave it to her to decide how to move things forward. nothing has changed for me. as i have said before, with my close friends, it is not never, but when.

:-)

haircut!

i decided to do something different today. i went to the hairdresser!

you see, i told myself that since i have made the commitment to find a job this year, i should start by giving myself a little focus and groom myself. afterall, it would not do me any good to go for interviews looking like a shaggy dog (if the one that was supposed to get back to me reject me).

i walked into the hairdresser, and wow! i realized what i have missed all these months! the attention, the time, the handling of the hair, and of cos, the shampooing and the head massage! for that matter, even the sound of the snip snip sound so different from the $10 10-minute cut that i had been going to for the last 2 years... of cos, with the attention come the price! then again, it was money well spent!

haha!

new iphone again!

i had my iphone replaced in early nov last year. and since then, i noticed it had problems getting access to wi-fis. and last week, i tried to reboot, reinstall, re-everything that i can possibly re- it with. no use. it was then that i knew my replaced iphone needs further attention by the service center.

and for whatever reasons yesterday, it went totally soundless. i couldn't hear who i was speaking to nor them me. in short, other than the apps functions, my iphone died on me yesterday. wtf right? with my ipad mini, it felt no different from having one ipad mini and one ipad micro. haha.... i made my way to the service center again after my chiropractic treatment this morning. and guess what?

they made a replacement on the spot and gave me a brand new iphone!

no questions asked.

what a great start to the year right?

:-)

anxious mum

ok, here's the less than good part for the start of the year - mum.

she has gotten superbly anxious and i am not sure over what. perhaps it is the prolonged period of holidays from christmas through new year that her mind has gotten super active and super screwed up? i don't know. all i know is that by yesterday, she kept saying there are bad people in the house, that i go out with bad people, that i bring bad people home, and so on. and since a couple of days back, she did what she would usually do whenever she gets anxious, she started to do nothing but chant, avoid food and choose to eat plain porridge (if she eats). also, she would vow to be vegetarian and avoid meat... i supposed this is her way of managing her anxiety, believing that in doing so, she would get divine intervention.

yesterday, short of a better word, she was literally crazy. kept giving me evil looks from the side of her eyes and talked to me in raised voice. it made me rather angry. but i held my cool. i remembered what i reflected - she is a mental person who is no longer normal. if i were to get mad with mad people, i will be no different from being a mad person myself. anyway, by evening, she agreed to head out for dinner with me, but at the very very last minute, said no and wanted me to cook porridge for her instead. sighs. i did and after that, i left her alone and went out with bee for dinner. told my second sis about it and she came over. and from her, i later learned that mum also wanted to stop going to rehab so that she can stick to me like a leech. she believes it will stop me from going out to meeting evil people and also prevent bad people from coming to my house (she told my sis a malay auntie told her so). and as a reflection of her screwed up mind, she told my sis that my dad has told her he will be leaving her and that he is mixing with bad people... hmmm... anyway, after watching tv with her, i left her alone and went to bed. she did not sleep until midnight, choosing to continue watching tv. i supposed she want to keep me from going out with bad people. haha!

today, although she was supposed to start attending the rehab, she didn't go. i was not aware about it as i left early for my chiro treatment and to repair my phone. when i returned at about 2pm, i was shocked to find her at home and the very first thing she did was - she screamed at me and said i was with evil people. and she went on and on about how i know jolly well who she was referring to and what i wanted to do to her. hmmm. and given that she was alone at home, she did not have have any food since morning. needless to say, even when i offered to cook for her, she didn't want to eat. neither did she want me to buy her any food. well, frankly, it was very tiring. i reminded myself of my reflections and let her be. there is only so much i can do for her. i went to take an afternoon nap, and later went for a jog. i still need to go on living my life and not respond to her non-logical mind and behaviour.

right now, she is watching tv and seemed quite normal. well, we'll see. we'll see if she goes cranky tomorrow. i will also leave her to watch tv if she choose to later. i will just go sleep. i have managed to get an early appointment at the mental health institute tomorrow. will see what the doctor can say or if there should be any further adjustments to her medication.

and to be able to get an appointment tomorrow today, it is such a good surprise!

:-)

ps: i am aware that when she says i mix with bad people, she is referring to bee. but wth, with her being so convinced that he is out to kill her (despite all the pampering by him etc), it is useless to convince her otherwise. for that matter, she also saw my sis-in-law in the same light when she stayed with my brother. there is nothing i can do if she choose to think so right? as i said, she is a mental patient who has no logic, i cannot respond to non-logic but to manage her condition.

health

for the past couple of days, i have been running and i have continued to do so into 2013. and these 2 days, i have increased the distance and the intensity. but then, when i say increased distance, it was no more than 2-3km. haha...

i admit there were moments where i felt like giving up. but i remembered my commitment to do more exercise and told myself it would be a big joke to give up even before the first week of the year come to a close and that kept me going. and i felt good about it. and coupled with the runs, i was able to also do some good push-ups, something that i was not able to do due to my shoulder and neck aches. with these few days of exercises, i find my body getting and exuding warmth from within when i sleep at night. a little feverish feel, but it felt good. 

i visited my chiropractor today and he was pleasantly surprised by the sudden leap in improvements in my physical abilities.

so... healthwise, yes, 2013 has gotten off a good start! 

now the challenge is to keep it going!

:-)

natkean

2013 started off well for me. for a start, i got to know natkean in person. well, not in person as in meeting up with him per se. rather, he was comfortable enough to share with me his facebook and contact number. and with this, we got to finally see how we look like in person. and through these introductions, the wall of anonymity collapsed, the sharing became more open, and deeper.

it's a good start to know a new friend for the year!

re-prioritizing my 2013 focus

ok, here's a list of my re-prioritized focus for 2013! instead of listing them one, by one, i list them in groups...

• personal life - i will lead a more balanced life

• spiritual life - i will continue to practice buddhism well

• health - i will be more positive and i will exercise regularly

• family

• mum - i will continue to look after and provide for her

• bee - i will increase spending quality time with him

• sapphie - i will give her more quality time

• siblings - i will build on the good relationships with them 

• work - i will get a job

• friends & close colleagues - i will increase interaction opportunities with them

• bloggers - i will continue to blog and share my story from my perspective

hmmm, frankly, i had the tension placing and ordering the sub-bullets, but decided that there should be no specific order. eg spiritual life and health, they should be equally important cos they are mutually reinforcing, after all, when and if i am not healthy/ sick, it would be challenging to be able to commit efforts towards my spiritual practice. no?

and if you ask me why personal above family, so selfish? well, the principle i adopt is this, if i cannot look after my own well-being, forget about looking and committing time and efforts towards others. reminded me of my earlier reflections about the need to love myself so that i can love others well.

ok, i think this list is more balanced!

reflecting my reflections

it's been a great start to the year... but of cos, there was quite some tensions yesterday, but i will not blog about it until later. after all, i have made the commitment to be more positive. so... ok, let this post be a more chim (deep) one. haha... 

i took a look at the reflections about 2012, and i thought, oh my, it is a tat too negative... but then it also struck me that the only thing that we were all surest about in 2012 was the fact that THE WORLD DID NOT END! ok, i have digressed. let me get back to what i wanted to say. yup, it is about my reflections for the year. first and foremost, i did not even mention about my ex, james! i supposed this was the fact that i have finally moved on, and that james was but a small part of my life now. small but with a significant past, so, no less important.

secondly, i realized that almost all the things i have written about was about people that mattered to me. it reinforced the fact that we humans are ultimately very social in nature. despite the fact that i am a rather introverted person, people still formed a huge part of my life. and this will continue to be so in the many years to come!

thirdly, i also noticed that i have ordered my reflection themes in a certain way (people [including sapphie], self [spiritual], people around me [including bloggers], and work)... and i asked myself, have i subconsciously ordered it according to how i prioritize my life? that people, particularly family, as defined by my immediate blood relations, bee and sapphie are the top in my list of priorities? or perhaps that becos i see them as important, the impact the have on me was therefore most felt and thus appeared on the top of the list? and more interestingly, work is the lowest of my priorities amongst the various themes i wrote? perhaps there are some truth in all these points. and if so, i would therefore have to relook at this list of priorities as i reframe and work towards getting a more balanced life in 2013. yup, perhaps that is what i will do... for a start, perhaps spiritual well-being and self could be placed a little higher up? hmmm...

ok, enough for the reflections about the reflections. such meta-look at things are very typical of introverts like me. and yup, i do learn lots from it. it help me sort out my thoughts. haha, i am so sure people who are more extraverted would be like - OMFG! what the hell is this person doing...

haha... ok... will stop here.

time to start blogging for the year.

oh, i have started actually!

haha!

2013 - my focus

well, what a great start to the year! nice weather... haha! of cos, added to that, the many people i see running in tights as i head out for breakfast... nice! ok, ok, before i sound a tat too shallow even by my own standards, let me be serious for this first post of the brand new year. for a start, let me reiterate here the things i captured in my last post of 2012 about what i want to achieve this year. and in doing so, i want to put in writing my commitments to make it happen.

• mum - i will continue to look after and provide for her

• siblings - i will build on the good relationships with them 

• bee - i will increase spending quality time with him

• sapphie - i will give her more quality time

• personal life - i will lead a more balanced life

• spiritual life - i will continue to practice buddhism well

• friends & close colleagues - i will increase interaction opportunities with them

• bloggers - i will continue to blog and share my story from my perspective

• health - i will be more positive and i will exercise regularly

• work - i will get a job

bring it on 2013!

:-)