what a saturday!

yes! what a saturday! bee did not have to do delivery and decided to sent me to my mum's place. we were early and decided to have breakfast first. so, it was breakfast at upper thomson. but well, that was not why the saturday was good. it was good becos went to:

• upper seletar reservoir. it was such a nice break from the usual shopping center, parks, cinema and so on. the whole setting, including the rocket-like viewing tower, was so... retro. yes, the word retro captured the whole scene beautifully. and given that it was a nearly forgotten place, the quiet of the garden and its surroundings, and the vastness of the reservoir felt so surreal.

• kranji war memorial. again, it was bee's first trip there. and i guessed it was a good visit for him. for me, visiting kranji war memorial always has a calming effect on me. i like the peacefulness and the orderly way in which the tombstones were lined. the whole area made me feel very calm.

it's been a long time since i had such an eventful saturday.

:-)

左右为难

a very nice old song.

blah

blahhhhhhhhh................................

visit to temple

went to the temple earlier for the weekly talk by the venerable.

we were superbly late due to very bad friday evening traffic and joined in the talk about half hour into it. it was a simple talk and the theme was rather straight forward. venerable had used a lot of stories from the dhammapada to relate simple life's principles and to reinforce how we should live our lives as good buddhists. it was easy to understand and i felt good after listening to it. the talk was followed by a round of chanting. admittedly, i do not understand most part of the chant and at most, could only guess the meaning of parts of it. and for some moments, i suspected i would be more at home if the chants were in pali. at least i could read the romanised pali words and the english translations. nonetheless, i was able to go through the process without much of an issue. and despite not knowing the meaning, the chanting process had a calming effect on me. and it certainly helped stabilized my very agitated mind.

it was a good visit. i had not realized how agitated my mind had become since my relatively long period away from the temple. i think i should try to make the effort to go more often.

expanded job scope

following my chat with the boss and later, the training director, quite a few exciting developments had occurred. last afternoon, i got a call from the training office asking me to see the director training again for another chat. i did so this morning. and that was when i learned that they had expanded the job scope for me (and i have not even agreed to work for them yet!). the expanded scope would see some 3-4 managers reporting to me with the potential of one more if things go well. so, if i were agreeable with the job scope, he would arrange an interview (as a formality) with his boss and to negotiate the package. i agreed and asked him to please do so. if all goes well, they are hoping that i could start work as soon as possible. hmmm... so rush right? and the job scope sounds one helluva scary. then again, this is a happy problem. never complain if people see you up and want to load you with more things. on the other hand, be worried if people begin to start taking things away from you... as for my reservations about whether they will be informed by my ex-company's security office, well, i think it is not good to constantly remind myself of it. being haunted by my own past is not good for me. the focus is to get the job first. if this should catch up with me, it would be their loss. not mine. :-)

so embarrassing 2

i posted my blog about the girl with her fly opened in the bus in my facebook and it got a flurry of comments from people - both straight and ajs. interestingly, all the ajs either focused on the fashion mistake or teased me about it. it took a lot of effort on my part to hint to them in my answers not to tease too far to the extent of outing me to my ex-colleagues. and i was glad they got the hint almost immediately although i was dead sure that any gay men reading the discourse in the comments would probably roll their eyes big time. ha ha! as for comments by straight guys, although most were rather jovial in the tone, they tend to be rather dry and some even asked what were the lessons learnt on my part. heh heh... but it was good. i got many good sharing and email advices from friends (including female friends) and their mothers. and although the number of guys who shared outnumbered the ladies, i would want to give my lady friends who have emailed me, their mothers and of cos, my own mother, a higher credibility in their answers... and almost consistently, their advice was - don't do anything. cos if you do, you risk the possibility of dying very chum (badly) and at the same time the girl get very embarrassed. on the other hand, in not doing anything, first, you don't get killed. secondly, the girl will probably find out about it later and zip it up herself (eg, when she goes to the toilet to powder her nose etc). the most would be that she would feel embarrassed about it by herself, pretend nobody knows about it and life goes on as usual and everyone lives happily ever after. put simply, to her, ignorance is bliss. :-)

impressed with expo ceo

i should have written this post a week plus ago as a follow-up to my posting on how a helpful expo staff helped me when my car broke down. anyway, a couple of days after sending my mail, i got a reply from the ceo himself. it was a rather nice surprise i must say. and of cos, i was impressed by this ceo who actually did the nec and traced the encik for me and extended my thanks to him personally. here's a copy of his reply. a ceo with such a customer-service mind can only mean good governance and exemplary staff. i am impressed. --------------------------------- Monday, 12 April 2010 15:27:48 RE: Thank you From: Aloysius Arlando Add to Contacts To: XXXX Cc: XXXX --------------------------------- Dear Mr Sim Thank you for your kind note. We, at the Singapore Expo, strive to go the extra mile for our guests. I am therefore heartened to learn that my staff, Mr Ramli, has been of assistance to you. I have personally conveyed your thanks to him. Your note will also spur the Singapore Expo team to keep our service level at the highest standard possible. I look forward to your patronage of the services at the Singapore Expo. With best wishes Aloysius Arlando Chief Executive Officer Singapore EXPO

preparations for interviews

have not done any intensive job search this week. instead, have focused a lot on researching and meeting up with people to talk about the jobs i have been interviewed for recently. also, have focused quite a bit on preparing for the interviews that i had attended.

apparently, interview preparation was much more difficult that i had expected. it required me to not only look at the position, but to also look at the company, the corporate structure, the culture, the vision, the mission la la la... and to join the dots based on whatever sketchy information i can find about the company to better understand it. info about those areas where i cannot find, i list them down as questions. then, i have to also anticipate the questions that i could be asked and think through how i could pitch myself such that i could come across as being relevant. but the hardest part is this. i had to think through how i could possibly contribute to the company based on the position that i would be interviewed for. and once all these are done, i think through how i could start the conversation, how to pitch myself and how i could drive the interview. contingency plans... contingency plans...

and after doing all these, i get myself a good nights' sleep and let my mind blank off. with all these things to think about, it's no wonder i find it so difficult to go for those open-ended chit chat sessions where there are no clear specific positions.

interview preparations is such a tiring process...

:-)

interview with a university

went for an interview at a center in a university. it was a job that made me really excited and there were many pluses in the job. there was also a very good skill fit. the interview turned out rather well. and i walked out of the interview feeling rather good.

hmmm... this set me thinking. if i get offered this job, i will have to decide between this and the other security-related job. such dilemmas... but after talking to many people and thinking through, i have more of less decided...

validation

following my second interview, i have spoken to quite a few people about the job. amongst these were 3 people in the company, as well as several close friends of mine. also, to get an objective input, i spoke to the people from the consultant management. all, yes, every single one of them shared that it is a good choice... it is interesting how validations by friends and family members are so important although i more or less know there is an excellent fit.

then again, i have my reservations. this is a security-related job. this company is positioning itself to win more contracts with my previous company. will my sexuality be divulged by my previous employer? i am worried cos some of my friends (who had left service and are now working in government-related companies) had been called up by their bosses and questioned following the release of their personal info pertaining to their sexuality by my previous company. i certainly do not want this to become an issue again.

so embarrassing!

i saw something today that, under normal circumstances, i would straight away tell the person. but today, i felt so so so so so so so so embarrassed myself that i didn't know what to do. ok, here's the story.

was on the bus back home and was seated at the front. well, if you are familiar with the bus interior design, the front row are the reserved seats that faces the wheelchair area. so, there i was, seated in the front seat and was about 3 stops from my alighting bus-stop when a girl boarded the bus. she was in her late teen/ early twenties, long flowing hair, wore a pair of very trendy specs and was dressed very very very very sexily. she word a pair of hot (yes, very very very hot) pants, leopard prints scarf, matching leopard prints cap (the roti prata kind), loose black and white loose blouse, and a pair of tight stockings that went up to her thighs. and she was listening to her iphone. she boarded the bus, and went straight to wheelchair area. there, she stood leaning against the window and faced inwards - facing me directly.

with her standing and me sitting, her crouch was at my eye-level. and guessed what! her fly was unzipped! and becos her hot hot hot pants was so so so so tight, her undies showed. it was so awkward and so embarrassing! it was a case of me not knowing where to place my eyes and how to react. on one hand, i wanted to tell her, yet on the other hand, i was too embarrassed to do so. i was worried that she might feel too embarrassed if an uncle (aka me) were to tell her that! a lot of options went through my head. should i tell the auntie inside the bus and ask auntie to help me? should i type a message on my phone and show it to her? should i tell it to her in passing before i alight?... hmmm... none of these options seemed right to me especially the auntie option cos by that time, the auntie was already giving me very suspicious looks (sorry auntie, i am not interested in you! duh!)... i reached my stop and alighted. and in my last attempt, i stood at the bus-stop, hoping she would look towards my direction so that i could signal to her about it... but she didn't. the bus left. she remained unzipped...

aiyoh!

angry mrt auntie

once again, i have stories to tell about my experiences on mrt rides and mrt stations. today, i have 3 stories to tell. and all these stories came about when i visited my mum in choa chu kang.

story 1: duration of options
ok, not much of a story, but a conclusion. today, the circle line opens and i now have 2 options to choose for my journey from tanah merah to yew tee where my bro's place is. i could take the east-west line and change to the north-south line at jurong east interchange or alternatively, i could take the east-west line from tanah merah, change to circle line at paya lebar and change to the north-south line at bishan. for the former, it covers some 24 station. the latter has a total of 19 stations (if i counted correctly). and i wanted to know if there was any difference in time between the two options. so i did a little test. i took the first option on my way there and the circle line option on me way back. both took 1.5 hours. the route using the circle line has less stations but the distance between many of the stations were longer than those compared to the former along the east-west line. of cos, i would probably get a more accurate gauge if i try both route at different times of the day.

story 2: father sents wrong signal
during the return journey, there was this particular boy who kept "tnerrr-ing" (those hokkien would know what i mean by this word! ha!) in the train over some magic pen having dried up/ out of ink. he was upset and kept on and on about it. his father was obviously very irritated by his whining and told the boy to stop. the boy did not. and his father raised his voice and told him sharply: "you go on like that, i don't like you anymore!" i was kinda shocked with the fathers' response. not so much with his raising of his voice. but rather by its content. i felt rather strongly that he should not have made it into a personal issue. instead, he should have taken the chance to educate the boy on what the correct behaviour should be. he missed a valuable chance to do so. also, saying such thing sents a very wrong signal to the boy - that a fathers' love is conditional. and that is totally wrong.

story 3: bad customer service auntie
i arrived at the tanah merah station and before proceeding to the bus-stop, i thought i should head to the toilet to ease myself first. but when i reached the toilet door, there was cone that says 'floor is wet, be careful'. ok, just be careful, i thought and proceeded to go in. this was not the first time. i had done so many time in the past without any problems. and just as i stepped in, i noticed a malay makcik just about to start the floor mopping. at the same time, one little boy (no more than 5yrs old i guessed) who had just done his business walked towards the tap and wanted to press the tap to wash his hand. but before he could do it, the makcik raised her hands and shouted at the boy angrily in half malay-half english : "oi oi, get out! get out!" looking at the dry sink, i could only conclude that she had just dried the sink and was crossed that the boy wanted to use it. the boy looked shock and quickly ran out of the toilet. and then she turned at me and continued: "you cannot see the sign on the door ah? it is washing hour! cannot use! get out! get out!" i was takened aback by her hostile response. i had barely taken my second step into the toilet! it was clear that she was very agitated and had turned her agitation against us. i looked hard at her and told her firmly in malay: "auntie, don't shout. there is no need for you to shout. cool down, don't shout." she looked at me with her totally screwed up face and her i-wanna-kill-you eyes. i stood firm, looked her into her eyes and i repeated my words. she paused for a while. and in a split second, her screwed up face straightened up a little and she mumbled something to herself and continued her mopping. i left the toilet. an uncle who stood outside the door and witnessed this whole episode looked at the makcik, shook his head and walked away. as i walked out of the toilet, i felt rather uneasy about this whole incident. so, i went up to the station manager and give them my feedback and to tell them that they should counsel the woman. at the control station, it was clear that this was not the first time such incidents had occurred cos even before i could give them the details, the station asked if it was the makcik cleaning the male toilet. hmmm....

i left the station after that.

one long time tension down

one tension laid to rest.

i raised my voice at my boss one particular evening in sep 1999 when we were involved in a major conduct of a regional seminar involving 35 countries. i was the main person running the seminar and he was the chairperson. anyway, i saw him in facebook recently and decided to add him. and finally after 2 weeks, he accepted me as `friend'. and i decided to close the issue and apologize to him. here's what i wrote:

it's good to be able to link up with you here. hope you have been well! and there is one more issue. it is something that has been irking me for a long time and i would like to close it.

i need to apologize to you for my rudeness on one particular evening on 11 Sep 1999. it was during xxxx and i raised my voice at you. i could have better managed myself in that incident, which i obviously did not, and i do sincerely apologize to you for that. it has been in me all these years. initially it was my pride that prevented me from apologizing. but over time, it was a sense of awkwardness and embarassment that prevented made me from doing so. i was even more embarrassed by the fact that you were so nice to me when i was in xxxx.

i think it is time for me to overcome my ownself and to bring myself to do it. so once again, i would like to sincerely apologize to you for that incident. you have been a boss and a friend and i do thank you for the years of guidance and trust.

now, that felt good!

:-)

it's a good day!

by all account, today turned out more perfect than i had expected. and surprising so cos i did not really prepare for the interview like i did the previous one. i guessed i went in without any expectations cos i had not thought i'd want to work for this company in the first place. it was not in my top priority list... so, in a large way they chose me and not i chose them. nonetheless, i decided to go for the interview to find out more. anyway, as it said, it turned out very well. you see, like the previous case, today's interview was also a chit chat session. it was something that happened as a result of the management company circulating my resume to the many companies in their network.

i arrived early. was ushered to the interviw room and told to fill up a job application form. was told the interwiewer would be late as he had not returned from a working lunch. so, after filling the form, i walked out to the foyer and that was when i chanced upon ex-serviceman. let's just call him uncle. uncle recognized me yet could not recall my name. uncle was, and still is, a very fatherly figure. when he was in service, he was part of my closely knit fraternity (vocation) and he would talk to me and mentor me whenever we meet in the course of work. we belonged to the old school thinkers who strongly believed in grooming our juniors well so that they could take over us when we leave. and as i was his junior in the fraternity, he took it upon himself to share his experiences with me whenever we meet (be it during professional or social interaction opportunities) although i had never worked under him. his reputation as a friendly and helpful person was indisputable. we were a little sad to see him leave service. i lost contact with him after that and it was so good to chance upon him again after 5 years! he has not changed a bit. i told him why i was there and he quickly brought me to the cafe and ran thru quite a bit of details with regards what to expect if i were to work for the company. it was such a coincidence that the person interviewing me was his direct boss. we managed to talk for a while before his boss/ my interwiewer appeared. and uncle introduced me to him. that was how the interwiew started.

the interview itself went smoothly. in fact, it went much better than i had expected cos what we spoke about was very similar to what i had done before. so, it was really more of a 2-way chat than an interview. and after some half hour of conversation, i asked what positions he had in mind for me and i was surprised to note that he had actually some options (3 to be exact) for me to think about. the went through them but told me to be ready to get my hands dirty and to slog for the first few years. we went on to talk about the renumeration package, which of course i could not give a good estimate becos what he suggested was totally different from what i had in mind - ie, training and learning-related. he suggested that i do my own research and talk to my friends before meeting again. that was how the interview ended. on a very positive and high note.

once i walked out, i called uncle again. and again, with a clearer indication of options, he shared further. and he went on to linked me up with one other person - a critical one whom i must talk to as he heads the set-up that i would work in eventually if i join them (one of the options). how lucky i was! it so happened that again, this person was one ex-serviceman who used to be my boss in 1991! anyway, uncle and i went on to chat in casual and we came to talk about another chap who is now one of the top management in this company. and just as we spoke of him, he appeared. now, how much more coincidental could that be. uncle left me to talk to this chap after that and that was where i learned a little more about the company culture. interesting right? but that was not all. i came home, made a call and had a good chat with the referral and he readily agreed to meet up so that he could share with me about the job!

and guess what, after all these very smooth and unexpected chanced meetings, referrals, and link-ups, i got a call from ntu asking me to go for an interview next week! wooooo... suddenly the stars seemed so aligned.

but wait, the only single problem i am faced now is - i really have my reservations about this company becos of the people, and the culture... and probably the boss. so how? so how? hmmm, shall put of any conclusions and decision-making for now. instead, will continue with my research, talk to more people and continue to prepare for the interview with ntu. and hopefully, next week, i can get more calls for interviews...

:-)

my dear friend

how would you respond if a very good old friend whom you have recently reestablished contact calls you out for dinner and tells you he knows about you being gay? interesting rite? it is a case of him outing you and not you coming out to him... well, that happened to me on wed this week.

a college friend called me out last but we did not get to know each other well until 1987. that was the year i attended the senior course in my previous organisation. the 11 month-course allowed us to get to know each other much better. he was someone whom i would call passionate. he was passionate about the organisation, passionate in his believes, passionate about his friends, passionate with life.

we went separate ways after the course. and apart from occasional meetings by chance, we did not really get to interact closely after that. two weeks ago, i `met' him on facebook and added him. and that was when we started corresponding again. and in this short few days, a lot happened...

we exchanged emails and phone numbers, he added my email to his `connect' and i accepted. never done so and never know what `connections' were. but to my horrors, i found out 2 days later that people in your connect list could see your profile, your personal details etc. but that was not what freaked me out, what freaked me out was the fact that i had used my gay.com and my email account as my log-in id for my blog... i could only conclude that he had read my blog although, i chose to hope he had not. he continued corresponding via email and in one particular mail, he spoke about willie. i suspected he was telling me something but still did not reveal more than what he asked. i don't think there is a need as i don't think my being gay would be an issue. it is not to me and it should not be to anyone who knows i am. my thinking is that if i make my sexuality an issue, i cannot blame people if they make sexuality an issue with me or with the gay community as a whole. but of course, this does not mean i start going out, wear pink, scream at the top of my voice, be an activist and announce to the world that i am gay. no, i do not think i need to do that. in fact, it's ironic for doing so would also mean i am indeed be making my sexuality an issue. it's like telling people i am different from you. when you do that, people will start to put up defences and that is counter-productive to the overall effort of trying to get people to accept me/ us.

ok, back to this friend. so, we met up on wednesday for dinner. the usual say hello, it's nice to meet and catch up etc, order drinks, order food, continue to talk and then the food came. but before we ate, he told me he needed to apologize to me. i was surprised and did not know what he meant. that was when he told me knew about my sexuality, ie, that i am gay. and he was apologizing for the fact that after all these years as my friend, he was not there to support me when i went through the whole ordeal of being outed by my organisation... i admit that for that very moment, i did not know how to respond. i could only say, no, no, don't apologize, i did not expect him to do anything in the first place... for a while, and much as i did not want to revisit my past as i have moved on, we spoke of the whole incident again. he shared with me his tensions with the organisation on how they had treated gays and had tried to influence management a change in attitude. but he said it was very difficult.

it was good to be able to meet up and catch up with him. he has been and he still is a good friend of mine. he will be leaving service soon. i wish him well.

:-)

slim

no, it is not about me getting slim. it is next to impossible. i think. rather, it is someone whom i have been corresponding with online. the brother of a very good tee tee of mine. let's just call him slim.

how i got to know slim was rather unusual. you see, jeremy and i became facebook friends eventually. and as usual, i would keep an overwatch on him through his updates. that's how facebook is. it feeds our voyeuristic tendencies. heh heh... anyway, the kaypoh me would also take a look at his friend list, comments, photos, etc... and i always noticed this one other person who usually `like' jeremy's updates and/ or make comments on jeremy's status. i was curious and i asked jeremy. i came to learn that he is jeremy's real brother. so, kaypoh me went on to check out slim's profile. it was so clear to me that slim and i belonged to the same community! and kaypoh me decided to ask jeremy. jeremy said he had suspected for a long time but decided against asking cos it doesn't matter. he would love slim regardless of slim's sexuality. i was so touched by jeremy's words. nonetheless, i said it is good to have this openness as it would deepen their relationship (i am very clear of this after seeing several other similar cases previously). we left it at that.

during one of our dinner meet ups, jeremy suggested that i add slim as my friend but i told him i was kinda shy. and bloody hell, that jeremy actually told slim about it! then one day when i logged in, i got a friend request from slim. so embarrassing right? heh heh... that was how we eventually linked up. but on my part, there were occasional awkwardness. jeremy has always seen me as a big brother and would call me kor. so, where and how does slim fit in? to me, slim is my friend and should therefore call me by my name. rite? i think so. i shared with jeremy this tension of mine and he laughed. then one day, jeremy made a comment in one of slim's status updates towards the effect that since i am his kor, i automatically also becomes slim's big brother... aiyoh! you could imagine how awkward i felt! hahaha. over time, slim and i began emailing each other in facebook. and of cos, during these chats and comments, i have gotten to know slim a little better. he has become more of a real person to me now rather than a brother of a good tee tee of mine; or a picture of a cute young person who is worthy of my oogling over the net. he is someone who is living his life the way he wants to and trying to establish himself in life just like any 20-over years old chap would.

i am glad i have a new friend. a new tee. whatever. he is slim.

my interview today

after all the preparations, the day started off with me getting lost on the island. i went round and round looking for the place. and when i found the place, i could not find the car park and had to park at a public car park a couple of hundred meters away. and following that, i had to walk to the building in the hot sun. it was uncomfortable considering i was in my long sleeve, tie and slacks. luckily i had given myself one hours' buffer and still managed to reach there early. for the interview itself, did it go well? i don't know for sure. well, it went on for an hour and a half. was that supposed to be a good sign? i am not sure. during that time, we went through my professional history, my family, my hobbies, my skills, my experiences in my previous organisation, etc. everything seemed rather ok. there was, however, one part that i screwed up big time. and that was the part where the interviewer asked me what my thoughts were about leadership. so i shared my perspective. i said there were a lot of differing theories including those that uses traits as a key factor to determine leaders. and i said i prefer to see leadership as a process although trait theory has its strength. i added that leadership need to also be discussed in context. unknowingly, i had apparently opened a floodgate for him. he pushed with more questions. in my haste, i gave some stupid answers. and after some round and round going-no-where conversation, he gave me his views. it was clear that indirectly, he was telling me i was talking cock. but he put it in a blunt yet not blunt way. hmmm, ok, i am contradicting myself again. but well, you get the idea. he finally ended by saying it was not an easy topic to discuss cos it is very complex. so, i thought i really screwed up this part. i had expected him to stop or bring the interview to an end. but he continued the conversation. i went on to ask what is the job scope. i needed for him to share this part cos the meeting was initiated as a chit chat session without clear indication of what position i was in for. he elaborated. for a short moment, i felt it was not really what i wanted. then again, i did not want to show any sign of not liking what he said. i told him i am open to it. all in all, my sensing by this time was that he would end the interview. but he surprised me by asking what kinda renumeration i am expecting. we discussed about it and he went on to give me a good run down how the company looks at renumeration, benefits, etc. and then he invited me to ask him more questions. there was a lot of mixed signal. why carry on and ask abt renumeration if i had screwed up? why did he keep pushing me to ask him questions yet when he answered them, he sounded a little impatient? the session ended with him telling me that he will discuss with his hr about the package and if he considers me suitable amongst the several he had already met, he would arrange for me to meet his boss. whatever the case, he assured me he will get back soonest possible. and to end it all, he brought me around the place and showed me the facilities. hmmm... so. there you have it. was the interview good? i really don't know. but all i know was that it was a really good and interesting experience. i came home and i wrote a note to thank him. i indicated in the note that i look forward to his positive response. but frankly, i am still not very sure if this is what i am looking for. then again, i told myself that it is better to at least give a positive response for now. i still have the prerogative to exercise my option of accepting the position when and if they decide to accept me. in the meantime, i will continue to do my job search and go for my interviews. :-)

preparing for interview

heading for my first interview session tomorrow. kept telling myself i need to prepare yet i am so tired of reading the company website stuff over and over again. have even prepared a list of questions to ask... hmmm, think i'll just go and sleep early and make sure i wake up fresh tomorrow. feels like sitting for an exam. study till the point of just letting things go and answer the questions as they come. no need to spot further. que sera sera.

:-)

the final journey

this blog is about helping a person die. to be specific, it is about my experience with my 3rd aunt and her passing close to a decade ago. i am writing this to elaborate on the post i did about my mum's siblings. it was an experience that i believe not many would like to experience. but i did. and i felt i did the right thing. here's the story.

my 3rd aunt was warded into the nursing home after her children could not manage her medical conditions at home. in the 2 plus years of her stay in the nursing home, she suffered gangrene in her legs several times (due to complications from her diabetes). and with each gangrene setting in, the doctors had to amputate part of her leg. her big toe on one leg went first. then it was another toe. and another. and then one foot (up to the ankle). it didn't help to arrest the gangrene and subsequent operations saw her being amputated up to her knees and finally they had to amputate her leg up to her buttocks. the same problem occurred on her other leg. and eventually, what remained of her was nothing but a head, 2 arms and a torso. it was a very sad sight. everyday, she would be propped up in the bed. motionless. staring at either the ceiling or the windows. she also suffered bouts of pneumonia and eventually had to be fed milk through a tube via her nose. she spend 2 plus years in the nursing home in this state. the frequency of visits by her children declined over time and eventually they hardly visited her. so everytime we visited her, her face would brighten up. and although she could not speak, we could see she was happy. that was perhaps the only highlight for her in her final months.

she went into critical condition after 2 plus years due to organ failure and was warded at ttsh (or was it sgh, i couldn't really recall). she went in and out of consciousness during her final days. and she was kept on life support. on the final day, we recieved a call from my cousin telling us she was critical and that she could go anytime. my mum and i rushed down. when we arrived, 2 of her 4 children had arrived. also, my 2nd, 3rd and 4th uncles and their wives were there too. we took turns to talk to her. she was in a semi-conscious state and we could sense she was holding on. we were pretty sure she was waiting for her last 2 children, and of cos my brother (whom she dotes on a lot). if i recall correctly, her 2nd youngest son arrived and managed to see her before she left. her youngest son was late and my brother did not turn up. it was difficult to see her holding on and on. her erratic breathing patterns seemed to indicate she was struggling in that final moments.

not wanting to congest the area around her bed, i waited outside the ward. her daughter, my mum and my aunts remained inside to talk to her (in fact i thought they were talking to each lamenting how my aunt had struggled la la la - and i don't think it is a good thing to say in front of someone dying). next thing i knew, her daughter screamed for me... xxx!!! xxx!!! my mum wants to talk to you! i rushed in and went up to her. she was motionless. i stroke her forehead, wiped her hair back as i usually did for her when i visited her at the nursing home. i kissed her forehead, smelled her hair and told her i was beside her. i asked what she wanted to tell me. she did not say anything. her eyes were slightly opened. sensing that she was still holding on, i whispered in her ears that she should not worry. i went on to tell her that her children have all grown up and despite all the family difference, they are all adults and that she should be happy that they can all take care of themselves. i told her she should not be worried and to go peacefully if she wants to.

that was when she closed her eyes and her heart stopped. it was very surreal. the life support machine when beeeeeeeeeeep. i was kinda shocked at that response. it was something that I could not imagine could happen to me. no one knww what i whispered to her. but the next thing i knew, my cousin and everyone around was wailing and screaming away. i held onto my mum shoulder and brought her out of the ward. everyone was crying like crazy by then. i teared but inside, i was happy that she had finally gone. it was regretable that the family dynamics was really bad at that time but as an outsider i could only observe. so, in a great great way, i was happy she left. she had suffered terribly when she was alive. as a single mum (her first husband did not treat her well. she left him in the end. the second left her for another) who toiled her life to bring up her 4 children, i was sure she was very sad to see her family turned out the way it did. i always felt very sad when i visited her.

as for my dad, he departed when all of us were having our dinner break. we all missed him by a minute. my brother was the one who found him lifeless and ran out to tell us. we rushed in and stood around him. i did not cry. my mother, brother and all others were very quiet. then my mum and sis started crying. i guessed i was able to let him go. i did not see my letting go as an unfilial act. i accepted his passing (as i did my aunt's) as a part of their journey. i guessed buddhism helped me manage their passing. in my dad's case, my aunt later consoled us that my dad decided to leave when we all were having our dinner and that he wanted to leave peacefully without a hoo-haah about his departure. accepting death and managing one's passing is something i have come to terms with and have been able to manage it well thus far. then again, i am not sure how i will manage my mum's passing (or for that matter, my dog sapphie) but i am sure i will be able to accept it as a fact and to be able to help them go in peace.

apologizing

it takes a lot of humility and strength of character to acknowledge ones' faults and to seek forgiveness by apologizing. it is certainly not easy but can come naturally with practise.

writing about nothing

i donno what i am gonna write in this post. but i will sure write something. the irony of the opening sentences is that although i donno what i am gonna write, i have actually written something. argh!i am talking nonsense now. anyway, yup, back to what i was saying. i want to write something in this entry but i think i will end up writing about nothing cos i am experiencing a mind blank now. lol!

ok, let's see. hmmm. ok, let's talk about blogging. i realized that over the last couple of months, i have blogged quite a lot about my mum. but i guessed that was to be expected given that i had spent a lot of my time with her.

hmmm... er, mind blank again.

ok, change topic. let's talk about job search. i have not done much over the last week in this department. i fell short of my targeted 3-4 jobs a week. in the whole week, i only applied for 2 positions. i supposed my momentum kinda slowed down after meeting up with the consultant management people on wednesday. added to that, i was kinda excited about the upcoming job interviews and had been doing the researches and so on. i really hope something good will come out of the coming chit chat session this wednesday. so looking forward to it! hmm, come to think of it, the anticipation for this wednesday's meet is taking my attention off the interview on fri. i better spend some time preparing for friday's interview too!

:-)

epidural again

mum will be going for 2 more epidural treatments today. and having seen how ok she took the last treatment, i felt more assured for today's treatments.

:-)

little nonya

told my mum about the repeat telecast of `the little nonya' end of this month. i described to her a little bit of the story and she made an interesting remark - that this show is about her, it is her show. hmm... i laughed and continued to describe it in more detail telling her that while there were some slight semblances, there were also many differences. she certainly seemed rather excited about the show. yet, i could sense her apprehension whe she said: "i will sure cry when i watch the show..." and after that, she started to relate to us (my sis-in law and i) again about her past.

:-)

mum's siblings

while mum chatted with me often about her past and her siblings, today is still the first time i took the effort to pen down the details of what we spoke. it was very interesting how we had always known my mum to be the 4th out of the 5 girls my grandma gave birth to. but it never occurred to me to ask her what her position was amongst all her siblings (including my uncles). until today. here is the list in descending order of my mum and her siblings:

• first uncle (deceased). b. 1927. would be 83 years old this year if he is still alive. think he has 13 children. not too sure. too many to remember. interesting all his children has english names that starts with the letter `j'. my eldest sis is his daughter and given to my mum at birth. to my mum, he is akin to her father in my granddads' absence. it was a tradition for us to visit him first in the line of uncles on every chinese new year.

• 1st aunt. b. 1928. not sure if she is still alive. if she is, she would be 82 years old this year. my mum said the family lost contact with her many decades ago after she left for jakarta. she was last known to be still there and have up to 20 children.

• 2nd uncle (81 years old). b. 1929. has 5 children. all his children's name starts with the letter `d' - duncan, diana, dorothy, doreen and one more… (?)

• 2nd aunt (deceased). b. 1930. would be 80 years old this year if she's still alive. has 5 children. we lived with her family in her toa payoh flats for a couple of months when i was in pri 1/ pri 2.

• 3rd aunt (deceased). b. 1931. would be 79 years old this year if she's still alive. she died of complications from diabetes close to a decade ago. she's the closest to my mum and us. it was a sad last few years for her as she lost both legs due to gangrene (complications from diabetes) and her children all fought over who should shoulder the responsibility to look after her. she spent her last 2 years in the nursing home, not able to eat and had to be fed milk via a tube through her nose. i remembered visiting her when she was at the nursing home. her face brightened up whenever i visited her. before she died, she asked for me. i told things would be ok for her family and that she should go peacefully. her heartbeat stopped immediately after i told her this. she was pronounced dead by the nurse shortly. i was so sad then.

• my mum (78 years old). b. 1932. i realized she is the sixth child in the family only today!

• 3rd uncle (deceased). b. 1933/34 (?). would be 76/77 years old this year if he is still alive. used to visit his place at tanjong rhu estate when i was a kid. he died about 4-5 years ago. hmm... or perhaps more.

• 4rd uncle (75 years old). b. 1935 (?). still alive as far as i know. he is one of the furthest from us in terms of relationship. his wife is known to be one of the greatest miser i know. her ang pows (red packets given during chinese new years) to us were 2 x kwa chee (melon) seeds! :-)

• xth uncle. lives in taiping, perak. not too sure how old he is and where to place him. he is probably elder than the 5th uncle. he was actually the son of my granduncle (my ah gong's brother). not sure about my grandaunt but all i know is that his dad (my granduncle) was killed by the japanese during the japanese occupation days and my granddad brought him up. but given the fact that he lives in malaysia, most of my mum's siblings do not maintain contact with him. nonetheless, my mum still talks fondly about him. he used to visit us when we were young. the last time i saw him was when my mum brought us to visit him in ipoh during my teenage years. he was very nice and drove us from taiping (perak) all the way to johore bahru.

• 5th uncle (deceased). b. 1937 (?). would have been 73 years old this year if still alive. not much i can recall of him except how we would also visit him during chinese new years.

• yth uncle (deceased). b. 1936. never get to see him as he committed suicide at the age of 29 years old before i was born. he would be 74. years old this year if he's still alive. i did suspect he was gay from the way my mum described him - him being very handsome, loves to party, etc. but according to my mum, when he was asked to get married, he said wanted to marry a muslim girl. my grandparents objected and that was it. marriage was never brought up again. he never got married. i understood he committed suicide because of debts incurred from gambling.

• 5th aunt (68 years old). b. 1942 (?). lives in penang. out of her 3 children, 2 are singapore permanent residents.

expectations

the final damage = s$757.25 if the garage had not told me to expect s$800-plus earlier, i would have taken the bill as super high. but with expectation to be charge more than s$800, i actually felt rather good when i got the final bill of s$757.25. and i felt that it was money well spend considering they had change the radiator (or was it only the filter?), and the air con fans. not a mechanic and so i don't know the exact details. but the things they took out and showed me looked pretty huge. and for that size, 700-plus seemed very worth it. haha! such a easily satisfied and shallow person i am. then again, how many of us actually bothered to learn about everything we come across in life? eg how many of us actually go and research about say, motherboards, radiators, air cons, refrigerators, waves, clouds, colours, la la la. haha! ok, back to the car repair. i thought it was worth it! well, my happiness further proved my point that in life, things are all about expectations and perspective. if you have too high an expectation, you will feel disappointed when things do not turn out the way you expect it to, but when you have a very low or no expectations, things will always feel good, even if it turned out not too good. it's the same for payments, it's the same for relationships. ok, shall not be too philosophical about the bill now. it's friday evening. i am waiting for bee to return. and i am hungry. dinner soon! :-)

big damage

managed to call the car garage where my car is awaiting repair now. i had rehearsed all my lines in hokkien and mandarin about how i am going to talk to the uncle before i call them. and guess what? i was not prepared mentally when i nice sweet girl answered the phone. and she spoke in perfect english too... haha! anyway, she told me they have done an initial check and found problems with the radiator and the air con. hmmm, just as i had expected. and that they are calling up the spare part people to check the prices before they call me for the got ahead to do the repair. whatever the case, she advised me that the estimated cost would be in the range of s$800-plus! wa... what a big damage! but then again, i guess it is about time too. a 4-plus / 5-yr old car will need to go through all these repairs. had seen it coming. if not today, maybe next week. or next month. i supposed it is an investment if i want to keep the car till it reaches its 10 year coe lifespan. nice! hmmm, considering my car has full of scratches and dents, perhaps i should also ask the workshop to do repainting? then it will be like having a brand new car all over again! weeee... well, the sudden need to pay for car repairs reminds me of one conversation (or rather, it was more of a heated argument) i had with james (my ex) many many years ago. we were discussing about money issues and he insisted that there was no need for him to save. to him life is about enjoying and spending. that was what salaries are for. but i argued that it is a good habit to put aside a small amount regularly in case of rainy days (like car break downs, hspitalisation, etc). he did not agree. he said his parents could provide for him in all emergencies and even after they die, he would inherit their house and all their savings. so... this was one of the things that we did not see eye-to-eye... hmmmm...

thank you encik!

in my haste to get back to my car, i did not properly thank that encik who helped me by allowing me to use his phone. well, ok, i did say thank you very very much. but still, i felt it was not enough. so, i wrote an email to the ceo of singapore expo telling him of the encik's act and to help me pass my appreciation to him.

thank you once again encik!

:-)

blessed am i! blessed am i!

one of my ex-uni-classmates whom i had re-established contact just helped sent in a staff referral note to the hr dept after i told her i applied for a job in her workplace! how much more blessed can i get! i am so grateful to her!

you see, i have encountered some of my old classmates in facebook over the last couple of weeks and decided to add some of them. amongst one of them was this girl (let's call her mau). mau and i lost contact after our honours year graduation but since she accepted me as her `friend' in facebook, we started exchanging emails. apparently she now teaches part time in one of the polytechnics. when she learned that i am doing job-search now, she immediately suggested that i consider doing part-time teaching too. so, i went into the career opportunities site to take a look and instead found an od-related job that sounded rather interesting. so i applied.

i told her about it and she immediately suggested that i give her my ic number and full name so that she could sent in a staff note to the hr. this, according to her, would help the hr narrow down and give priority to the applicant. i understood that it is based on the understanding that the staff sending this note would have known the applicant's worth and would therefore considered to have done the first level screening for them. well, it seemed like things are getting rather exciting in the area of job search for me!

:-)

everything died!

decided to drive my car this morning. went for breakfast, and then to my mum's place, and then to the pool for a swim, and then to parkway for my chiropractic treatment, and then home. well, sounds pretty routine ala tai tai rite? yup. it was. that was until my phone batt went flat on me.

it happened on my way to the pool. that means i will not be able to check time (i use my phone as a watch) and of cos, would not be able to commincate with people. so... well, not an issue. really. perhaps it is better cos i could then swim and tan without being concerned about calls. things went well. and on my way back home after my treatment, as i happily exited ecp and while i was approaching the filter lane at the junction of xilin ave and upper changi road east, my car died. just like that. it died. no warning. no stutter. nothing. just beside the expo. i tried to turn my car key. nothing happened. and i tried again. and again. it did not work. and next thing i knew, i saw smoke coming out of my bonnet. darn! of all places to die, it had to die at this junction. for those who didn't know, this junction is one helluva big and it had witnessed many accidents over the years.

so, i thought - i shall call the tow truck and should be on my way home soon. easy peesy. and it was then that i also realized. my phone went kapoot earlier! so, i tried to force start my phone. pressed the on button. nothing happened. and i pressed it again. nothing happened. aiyoh. of all time to die too! bloody hell! so, i sat in the dead car, holding my dead phone. in the middle of the afternoon sun's heat and weighed the choice of either stopping a car and asking a stranger for his phone or run to expo to find a public phone to call the tow company. i walked out of my car, looked around. one car zoomed by. another too... one more... and another one. hmm, looked like i was not gonna get anyone to stop to lent me his/ her phone. so i went back into my car and decided on the latter option. given the afternoon heat, i reckoned if i chose to stay in the car and wait for a passing stranger, i too would have died! so i placed the triangle breakdown sign, turned on the breakdown lights, took my cash card, memorize the tow truck number, locked my car, and off i ran. damned public phone was impossible to find when you needed it most. in the end, i ended up at the expo concierge. the encik there was very nice. after verifying that i would be making a local call, he whipped out his personal handphone for me to call. couldn't thank him enough.

things were very efficient after that. was told the truck would be there in less than an hour. so i walked to the junction and wondered what to do in this one hour! and i decided to look around me. there was absolutely nothing around my immediate surrounding except for a bus stop, a drying up drain and a huge canal. so i decided to check them out... and that was where i found little miracles around me. if not for the car break down, i wouldn't have been able to observe the big `choot choot' feeding on algae in the canal, egret stealthily picking their food from the mud, pigeons resting under the shade of rain trees, little water-skaters in the small puddles of water that has yet to evaporate in the almost dried up drain, etc... wild life in the midst of our urban forest! and in the end, i chose a shaded area under the mrt track and sat there. and from there, i observed the traffic flow, looked at my car, enjoyed the afternoon cool breeze and in less than half hour, the tow truck arrived. the guy who towed my car was so very nice. he suggested a place for me instead of sending to my agent workshop cos it would be a lot more expensive. i said ok and soon enough, my car was on the way to the car hospital.

such an exciting afternoon right!?!

:-)

ps: i could have bitched about it but thought it would be futile. so, why not enjoy the experience instead!

another interview?

job search this time round is certainly a much more interesting process than compared to what i went through a decade back. with the help of the management consultancy, i am seeing requests for me to call the boss himself for a chat. when i met up with the consultancy people this morning to ask what had actually transpired, they explained that they had sent my resume to the glc and that they had a face-to-face networking session with the boss. the boss said that i have the nec skill sets he needs and has asked for me to call him direct to do some `exploratory discussions'.

so today, i called up the senior chap of a sgp glc. not knowing what to expect out of it, i took it as though it was a phone interview and did my necessary research and preparations. i was one helluva nervous when i called. but when i called, it turned out to be a nice cordial minute-long introduction and the boss asked if i could meet up with him next week. interesting right? so? is the `meet up' considered an interview? hmmm, whatever the case, i will just treat it like one and just like this phone call, i will prepare myself for it accordingly. frankly, i am still trying to come to terms with this way of how people land jobs. and as i have always felt, these are very new experiences to me and i find this whole learning experience very interesting. and fun of course.

:-)

ps: think this position is gonna be more exciting than the one that i will be discussing about on 16 apr. so, i have arranged it before the 16 apr. :-)

1st interview

have just recieved an email abt a job interview on the 16 apr. not too sure of the details cos this company was one of the many that was contacted by the management consultant... need to talk to them and find out more... certainly do not want to go there not knowing what i am in for!

:-)

hp deskjet f2410

just bought a printer. it's so much easier to have a printer of my own than to have to use other people's printer.

hmph!

qing ming

observed qing ming today.

went to pay respects to my dad this afternoon with my mum, my bro, his wife and the domestic help. made my cabbage rice (my dad's favourite) and my brother got some of his favourite food too... kfc, ang koo kueh, huat kueh, fried noodles, and so on...

compared to what we did for his funeral, todays' proceeding was considered simple. then again, to me, qing ming is not about how elaborate we do it, but rather, it is about remembering the deceased, and of course, getting together as a family.

:-)

cabbage rice

the chinese kiam png, also known as cabbage rice (or commonly called cai png aka vegetable rice) is something that is special to my family. it's more of a hokkien dish rather than peranakan dish and my mum had learnt how to cook it after she married my dad. apart from being my dad's favourite, it is also something that defines part of my growing up. it reminds me of my younger days as my mum would cook it for us as a break from the daily rice-and-dishes dinners. there are several variants to this rice dish, the most common of which is the yam rice. decided that i should capture the recipe here.

ingredients
2 cups of rice
80-100g of dried shrimps (more if you like stronger taste)
4-5 large onions (use the purple ones or its equivalent in qty of shallots)
200g of pork belly (not too fatty unless you like pork fats)
1 medium size cabbage (beijing cabbage and not cameron cabbage)
2 tablespoon of oil (personally i prefer to use sesame oil)
2 teaspoon maggi anchovy seasoning to taste
dash of pepper to taste
soy sauce to taste

preparation
wash the rice and soak in water for about 1 hour. then drain off the water. the soaking will help the rice cook faster. cut cabbage into palm size pieces, wash, drain and put aside. wash the dried shrimps and drain off the water. then soak it in water for an hour. you can use this water to cook the rice later. it makes excellent stock. cut pork belly into strips. you can boil the pork belly first before you cut it. cooked meat is much easier to cut. also, the resultant stock from boiling the pork belly can be used to cook the rice later. next, dice the large onions. you can use similar quantity of shallots if you prefer a stronger onion taste. increase quantity as you deemed fit if you like onion/ shallots but be prepared to have teary eyes if you tear easily.

cooking
heat the oil in the wok. throw in the pork belly and let it fry till the pork strips turn a bit brown. the whole purpose is to get some of the oil coming out from the pork belly. throw in the diced shallots/ onions and fry till it is translucent (it should take about 1min of frying). put in the soaked dried shrimp and continue to fry for about 2min (this is to allow the ingredients to mix well). pour in the rice. add seasoning, pepper and soya sauce to taste. fry for another 1min or so to allow the rice to be fully soaked in the onion, pork, and dried shrimp mix. pour in the stock, stir well and add in the vegetable. continue to stir till the vegetable softens. transfer the half cooked rice to the rice cooker. add water as necessary and let it cook in the rice cooker.

note 1: it is common to get a layer of brown caramelized base due to the ingredients. but to prevent the rice from burning, it is a good practise to stir the rice a little every 5min as it cooks.

note 2: replace cabbage with yam if you want to cook orh png (yam rice). alternatively, you can cook both yam/ cabbage rice. if you use yam, put in the yam and fry together with the shallots/ onion for about 3-4min before you put in the rice. this is because yam takes a longer time to cook.

note 3: also, this recipe can be adapted for choot bee png (glutinous rice). to do so, change the rice to glutinous rice, and replace the vegetables/ yam with shiitake mushroom (cut into strips). this will give you a richer and more fragrant version of choot bee png than what most coffee shop sells. do use dried shiitake mushroom. to prepare the shiitake mushroom, go through the same process of washing & soaking. but here's the trick, soak the dried shiitake musroom for about 10min to wash away all the things that may be stuck onto the mushroom surface (soil, etc), then change the water and soak till the mushroom is fully expanded. use the water as part of the stock. very nice. remember to add a little bit of black soya sauce for the black colour. also, the cooking process requires one to stir till the rice is fully cooks and not transfer to rice cooker. to serve, you can add a few grains of salted peanut and deep fried shallots and shredded wan swee... yumz!

taking photos

yesterday, while talking to mum, she asked if i could bring her to take her passport photos. was actually surprised that she asked and i asked why the sudden desire to do so. she said it was my brother's idea. he wanted her to do cos it is a `good practise' to take photos yearly so as to see how we age. and given that the photo studio in marine parade (where we used to live) have better services, he had asked if i could take her there as i drive. straight away i knew my brother's intentions.

of cos, my mum didn't seemed to understand what he meant. she insisted she saw no point doing it since she's already so old. i told her i see the value in documenting our faces as we age and personally, i have been doing it since i was a boy and can really appreciate the process. and that was where i added, that apart from just documenting our aging faces, having photos taken regularly would come in handy when and if we die. my mum was fast. she immediately understood why my brother wanted her to have her photos taken. and that was when she smiled and nodded her head in agreement.

well, many are superstitious and refrain from talking about death especially to old people. instead, they choose to talk about it obliquely or hint at the subject at most. they fear that talking about it would attract death itself. for me, i am not superstitious. i strongly believe we must talk about it. it will help us be better prepared for it and accept it when it comes around. and i have often spoke about it with my parents. so much so that i am able to ask if they are afraid of death, whether they feel stressed by it, and so on. such conversations also allow me to lead them to tell me how they want their post-life rites to be carried out. i am sure that the knowledge that their post-life arrangements would be done according to their wishes go a long long way in giving them peace of mind.

anyway, the suggestion to take photos came just at the right time. this was becos i had earlier told my mum i would bring her to the hairdresser sometime next fortnight. thus, it fits in very nicely to have her photo taken after she had done up her hair.

:-)

god again...

recently, i have been talking to some friends about god. and this topic came out cos recently thomas felt rather agitated cos he has a friend who recently converted to christianity becos he felt that guan yin (the goddess of mercy) has not given him anything tangible. and so, hopefully by now changing is faith, christ can now grant him tangible things... and thomas was very very irked by this attitude. and as we talked, i thought - wa... this guy is a very practical person! and his attitude towards god is very chinese lor... he believes that god is out there. that it is an entity that conducts transactions with human beings like the way a businessman does his business, ie, i give something, i must get something back. so, i shared my views about the whole concept of god. and i started by being controversial. i started by first stating the anti-thesis - what if there is no such thing as god (as most people believed it to be). that it is a divine being somewhere out there that helps people by making things happen. by creating miracles. that god is shiny (think zeus hahaha). that god is big, it has a size. that god speaks with a thunderous voice. la la la... nope. i think all these are what people created god to be based on what people wanted to hear and to believe. in short, god is a human construct, modelled after himself. my views is this - the human species is an insecure one. being the only species in the animal kingdom that can think, have a conscience and make sense of their surroundings, they have, since time memorial, tried to make sense of this gift of theirs. and it was from this that god started to exist. it was a concept created to explain things they cannot explain. a concept used to represent things unknown (fire, water, lightning...). and later, as men began to get smarter and philosophical, the concept of god evolved. it was used to represent things they feel, things that move them, their values, virtues they deemed important, and which they consider virtuous (good, kind, respect...). concommitantly, the concept of the anti-god, the devil, satan, mara etc came to represent things opposite (lust, crave, anger, greed...). and as man continue to grow, their numbers grew. things got chaotic. and man needed a tool to help him maintain order. again, man, being manipulative creatures, began to make use of `god' to manipulate their own kind. god became a convenient entity to be feared. god can get angry if you do not obey him. god punishes. god kills. and to gain legitimacy over his own kind, man declared himself as extensions of god. they call themselves kings, emperors, son of god, etc... they demand absolute obeisance. they are to be feared. they are to be loved. they are not to be questioned. the concept of god had evolved to suit men's needs. for knowledge. for answers. for order... and it will continue to evolve i am sure. but back to the fundamentals. god was, and still is, a human construct. god is modelled after the human being. and to protect this concept, some men chose to make themselves believe that god had in fact modelled men after him. every single god we know has some sort of human form. name it and you have it. it is common through all civilisation, societies... etc. but despite all these superficial physical representations, i ask - what the concept of god is something more abstract? that god is the crux of what defines the human being itself? off hand, i cannot find the correct term to describe it. but it points towards something deep inside the human being. it represents his pure innermost soul. i thought deeper, and i begin to get more convinced about it. let's look at some commonly said phrases about god and try to make sense of it. and i shall not mention specific faith when i discuss the definition here... god is all around us. god is omnipotent, they exist everywhere. god exist in the nature, in the people, in the good deeds... god is the air you breath, god is the baby's smile you see, god is the mist of the water as it falls from the mountain, god is the rainbow that peeks at you after the rain, god is the hand that guides you when you are down, god help those who helps themselves... doesn't all these point to one thing - that god is somewhere in oneself? other than what i said above, i really cannot pinpoint a specific word that defines god. the closest i could get to is a person's attitude to life. or perhaps, the very core of the human consciousness. his conscience perhaps? whatever it is, it is something that influences and shapes his perception of how he see's things, how he response to things, how he lives his life. and the opposite is true too. let's revisit some common sayings (and prophecies). god would one day destroy the world, god punishes those who commit theft, god punishes those who harms others, la la la. our technology, nuclear energy, money, la la la... all these are neutral manmade entities to facilitate daily lives. but use it wrongly and without a second thought about the morals/ conscience... will one day become the agents of destructions that destroy the very world and human race itself? in short, human destroys the world. not god. or rather... god. for god is... ultimately human themselves. hmmm... what do you think?

online discourse on homosexuality

i have pasted here a copy of the correspondence of a blog that i read sometime in 2007. the author of the blog is a stauch christian and she held very strong views against homosexuals. after 2 years, i visited the site again as i was doing some reflections about `god'. and when i read over our correspondences again, it was clear how the author and later another person called micky had chosen to see what they wanted to see. and how they continued to close their views about homosexuality and chose to stop the conversation when they could not debate it further. i shan't comment further for i think this topic has been beaten many a times to death. so, i thought i'd paste it here as a way to remember my correspondence with her. i have kept copied the postings ad verbatim less some editing on it's formatting.

also, do note that there were at least 2 persons who commented anonymously. i was the second one from aug 16 7:46am onwards. and i was probably the only one who bothered to continue to engage these 2 persons on the issue.

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21 Comments

Annette said...

"It is now known today that homosexual is a socially learned response."

This is not true. There is increasing evidence that homosexuality does have a genetic component. For example, if a man has an identical twin brother who is gay, he is more likely than average to be gay himself. This applies even when twins have been brought up apart - in other words, the home life of the two twins is not the same and cannot explain the increased chance of the brother of the gay twin being gay himself.

In addition, if a man has gay relatives on his mother's side, he is more likely than average to be gay.

Furthermore, other studies show that if a man has several older brothers, he is more likely than average to be gay (regardless of whether they are gay). This suggests that something in the mother's womb is having an effect on the developing male foetus, some change as a result of the womb previously carrying several male babies. This isn't genetic, it's environmental, but is NOT environmental in the sense of being a "socially learned response".

There is much more work to be done to find the causes of homosexuality, but there is already enough evidence suggesting a number of biological causes that you cannot say that "it is now known today to be a socially learned response."

See http://www.physorg.com/news84720662.html

And also http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1691850

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August 13, 2007 3:04 PM

Little Robin Hood said...

Dear Annette:

Thank you for your comments. i visited the site your provided and found it only "suggest" , We have to bear in mind that Gene Linkage Studies:
"Associated With" Does Not Mean "Caused By".

A person does have inclination towards certain temperament, that is however character issue. The habit choice one take in fact enhance one's characteristic behavior. Everyone has choice for his/her own, especially on the issue of homosexual.

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August 15, 2007 6:28 AM

Little Robin Hood said...

For more insightful on this please also visit: http://oracleinterpreter.blogspot.com/2006/11/gay-adgenda.html

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August 15, 2007 6:36 AM

Anonymous said...

It is rather laughable how Christians like you quote Bible verses as if that ends the argument. Not everyone believes in the Bible. I personally do not believe in it, and have good reasons to believe that it is a text written by unenlightened people in the past who base their writings on their personal ignorance and prejudices.

Nor do you have shown in any way that the Bible is a valid guide to morality in our lives that everybody should accept. The Bible has at numerous points condoned the outright massacre of entire tribes (including women and children), slavery, and the subjugation of women. It is clearly a very dubious document to use in support of ethical positions.

As such, quoting Bible verses in support of your stand only preaches to the choir. If you wish to convince people that homosexuality is immoral, you should use logical arguments, not unsubstantiated religious dogma.

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August 16, 2007 2:07 AM

Anonymous said...

http://www.gaysouthafrica.org.za/homosexuality/bible.asp

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August 16, 2007 5:07 AM

Little Robin Hood said...
Dear Anonymous:

I can only fully emphatise with you for I was once lost and blind without any knowledge of Almighty God. By His grace only, I can say , "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth... For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 1:16, 3:23). May this one day be true for you too.

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August 16, 2007 7:46 AM

Anonymous said...
i read with your postings and views great interest and i respect them for they show your conviction about your beliefs.

my input is that despite all that is being said and from all the different perspective - moralistic, religious, etc all of it has it's debatable areas but equally correct from the perspective of the one who says it.

for me, i am gay and i have been gay since as early as i can remember. i am 41 year old and in my life, i have tried to search for the answers to why i am gay from all perspectives including religion (yes, even Christainity) and through all these journey, i can only conclude that i am gay because i am. it is not a choice. i am gay. yes, i have a choice as to whether i sleep with a man or a woman. but i don't have a choice about my sexuality.

and i really really wish i can be given my space to live my life without being subjected to views that sometimes do not distinguish between what is sexuality and the act of same-gender sex.

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August 21, 2007 8:24 PM

Anonymous said...

and to share further about the discrimination that many Singaporeans homosexuals face i would like to share my personal story.

I was a highly successful civil servant and had served the civil service for over 20 years. considered by many in my line to be a highly professional person, i earn good gradings year after year.

however, when my management learnt that i am a homosexual, i was called up and interrogated for a whole day and subsequently moved to insignificant positions. i was also called up by my management and asked if i, as a homosexual, could ever be professional and contribute to Singapore. and i was `encouraged' to stop seeing and interacting with my gay friends to prevent any possible damage to the image of my profession.

ironic after more than 20 years that i am asked if i can be professional.

and i really think it is not right.

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August 21, 2007 8:37 PM

Little Robin Hood said...

Dear Sir:

It must be hard and sad for you all these years of aguish; especially when management removed you from your professional position…..I don’t think it is right to treat anyone like that. In the same sermon, Rev Seet was in fact exhorting the congregation to be kind and compassionate to those who have homosexual problem; Just like Jesus had shown us kindness and forgiveness and even died for our sin. We are all sinners saved by grace. For you, that might be homosexual tendency, I do think there is difference of “tendency” and “actual acts”; for others that might be other sins. However, there is no sin so great that Jesus cannot forgive, and there is no sin so small that Jesus will overlook. You are about my age, so we are the same generation. I don’t have all the answer of the cause of “homosexual”, but I do wish you to know Jesus more, I also have experienced many life difficulties and personal problems, Jesus the Lord is really my answer, he is the life, the truth, and the way to eternal life. Once again, thank you for sharing with me, I shall sincerely pray for you, all the best.
Fanny

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August 22, 2007 5:14 AM

Anonymous said...

Fanny,

You have found your answers in Christ and he has provided you the strength to overcome many of your life's challenges. And as I have said, I have tried and not found any concrete answers other than promises of salvation. I have thot hard about this and not a single person has given me a satisfactory answer - should a gay man who has not harmed anyone be seen to be less than a Christian who commmit adultery, murder, etc?

Anyway, thanks for sharing ur views. From my perspective, my homosexuality is NOT a tendency. It is in me. It IS me. It is natural, much as it is natural for a straight person to fall in love and have sex with someone of his/her opposite gender.

For the longest time, I have tried and I cannot bring myself to fall in love with a woman or for that matter have sexual relations with a woman.

I have gay Christain gay friends who have abstained from homosexual relations but to me, that is not a solution. Like u say, u do not have the answer. Many of us don't and the closest we can find are correlations of genetics links.

You cannot imagine the extent many of us homosexual men go to to search ourselves and how many of us, myself included, have attempted suicide. I myself finally came to peace of mind when I started to live my life when I accepted my sexuality at the age of 30. And through this, came to love myself and as a process, relearn how to love the people around me.

It is something that you probably will not understand and it is this experience of mine that is also shared by many homosexuals that pains me when I continue to hear and read about discriminating views of homosexuality - views that are often not objective and often borne out of homophobia.

I can safely say that apart from loving and having sexual relations with people of our same gender, homosexuals are all exactly the same as any other straight person.

And for that we just want to live our lives quietly and normally.

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August 22, 2007 8:19 AM

Anonymous said...

Fanny,
I would like to also add here that i dont agree with your view about homosexuality is a social learned behaviour becos I cannot imagine how a person can learn something and then later want to kill himself for it, myself being the best example. Also, think the strong interest in the discussion generated about homosexuals and 377A underlie the desire by many people, straight and homosexuals alike, not to be discriminating against their fellow human being on grounds of their sexuality. You have mentioned that Rev Seet has asked for the Christian community to show compassion to homosexuals. For me personally, I would prefer that people around me accept me for what I am and conduct themselves any different to me just becos I am homosexual (even if it is showing compassion). Also, I think this acceptance needs to extend far more than the Christian community. It is the society as a whole that needs to recognize that there are homosexuals and that we deserve to be treated like any other human beings. For currently, it is a fact that we homosexuals face the brunt of the social stigma and acts of discrimination borne out of homophobia.

Thank you for reading and your prayers. God bless you.

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August 22, 2007 9:00 AM

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir:

While I was saying that I don't have all the answer for the cause of homosexual, it doesn't mean that God has no anwere. Have you really seek God? Do you really trust in HIm? For it is God's promise that everyone who seeks him diligently will find him.

The first step to out of this life struggles (whatever it may be) is to realize that we are sinners. "All have sinned, come short of the glory of God" and God has provided us a way unto salvation through the faith in Jesus Christ, our repentence is towards GOD, not fellowman, not others, not even to ourselves. You mentioned that you were so confused and even wanted to end your life, why was it so, were not youself find it difficult to accept? For God has put a consciousness in everyone's heart, God has given the noble mind to everyone, and he will restore your mind, soul and spirit to a whole.

I once claimed, unless I can see God inside my microscope, ( I studies Microbiolgy)that I will never believer in him. He let me see HIM. Please come to God while there is still hope, call upon his name while he still can be found.

If you like, why not come to LifeChurch and have a talk with Rev Seet, he was studying Medicical before he became a pastor and he is very knowledgable both in theology and homosexual.

Your soul is more precious than anything else, May you truly find peace and joy for this life and the life to come.

Yours sincerely

Fanny

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August 22, 2007 9:17 PM

Anonymous said...

Thanks again for sharing Fanny, I am sure God has all the answer. He always does, doesn't it? I have wondered why God made me homosexual in the first place. Don't get me wrong. It is not that I don't beleive in God. I do. But I just want to make sense of the irony as to why make sinners in homosexuals then ask for his son to save the sinner. No, I don't mean to insult Christianity for I have the highest respect for the religion. What I am saying is that in my journey to discover myself and live a meaningful live that God so desires me to live, I came to conclude that I can only fulfil this after I accept my sexuality.

And I see no logic in it anymore. And Theology to me now is just that Theology - it shares the same starting alphabets as Theo-ry. Life to me is not abt Theology or Theories, becos I live it. It is real. No one lives my life for me. Not you. Not Rev Seet, despite the fact that he is well versed in Theology and Medicine. Till date, no one can pinpoint what is the root to homosexuality. And I see no point being phylosophical abt it anymore.

As I have said, I once looked for answers in the Christian faith. I have no answer except that I am a sinner and I must have faith in Him. If I were to phrase in Christian terms, God lives thru me. And I am homosexual.

And to me, human's attitude to homosexual is a social construct, not homosexuality. For homosexuality is part of nature. Thanks for sharing again.

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August 22, 2007 10:22 PM

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir:

May I share the Roman 2:1-10 with you?

Truly that I may never understand your situation, I also do not want to be seen as “judgmental”. (Rom 2:1) I shall encourage you to continue seeking the truth and the truth shall set you free.

Romans 2:1-10 "Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things. But we are sure that the judgment of God is according to truth against them which commit such things. And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God? Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? But after thy hardness and impenitent heart treasurest up unto thyself wrath against the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God; Who will render to every man according to his deeds: To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life: But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath, Tribulation and anguish, upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile; But glory, honour, and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile"

Take care

Fanny

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August 23, 2007 5:16 PM

Anonymous said...

Fanny, Thanks for sharing. I totally agree that no man shall judge another man. And he shall not judge his fellow human being based on his set of moral values. That is the universal truth that I have distilled from all religious teaching. Where we differ is our take that `sexuality is a human construct' - the very point u made in your opening. Cheers!

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August 24, 2007 3:11 AM

MICKY said...

SAVED BY GRACE
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them {Leviticus 20:13). About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staff was very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 2004, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages . God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17]. Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination (Leviticus 18:22).
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY

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August 28, 2007 3:31 AM

Anonymous said...

Micky, it is great that you have found your answers in the Christianity faith. For many gay Christians, they have sought refuge and answers in the Christian faith. And many have found their answers in their desire to seek a way to manage their sexuality. Nonetheless, there are many non-Christians homosexuals out there and even if homosexuality is a sin (framed in your undertstanding and interpretation of the Christian faith), it makes no difference to them. We are still trying to understand the cause of homosexuality and therefore the society's attitude towards homosexuals should be more inclusive and accepting rather than discriminating.

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August 28, 2007 6:29 PM

Fanny said...
Dear Micky, Thank you for your sharing, I was very touched by your testimony. Trully, only Jesus and always Jesus can save us from the sin, make us whole and give the peace and joy that one can never find from worldly persuing. May God bless you. Let also pray for others who are still seeking. May them also be found by God and find God.

Fanny

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August 28, 2007 7:19 PM

MICKY said...

Greetings Fanny
Thank you for your warm and loving comments. Praise the Lord!!
Peace Be With You
Micky

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August 29, 2007 3:46 AM

MICKY said...

Anonymous said...
We are still trying to understand the cause of homosexuality and therefore the society's attitude towards homosexuals should be more inclusive and accepting rather than discriminating.

Greetings Anonymous
I felt some pain reading your comments. I wondered why you felt the need to focus or understand why you are homosexual. God loves you just as you are. Jesus' message was all about love. He loves all of you not just a part of you. Do you want the PEARL? We all have our CROSSES to bear? I have been through my own DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL (orphanages, abandonment, abuse etc) but God was always there, even though at times I felt he had deserted me. If you like, you can email me: yelgy@hotmail.com
"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God ... Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us."(1 John 4:7, 11-12).
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY~~

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August 29, 2007 4:50 AM

Anonymous said...
Micky, Why do I want to know the cause? Well, that's just me. and that's just what human is abt isn't it? - the thirst for knowledge. Pse don feel pain reading my comments, I am at peace with myself. May peace be with you too.

deafness

have been travelling in public transport lately and at the rate i see people going with their music blasting on their ear phones, i think singapore will be getting a real solid surge in people with hearing loss/ hearing problems. i mean, it is one thing to be listening to stuff using ear phones, but it is another thing altogether when people a couple of meters away can actually dance to the music coming from your ear-phones! no joke!

and worst still, the person using the ear phone actually look around as though people do not know what he/ she was listening to! and hmmm, i am not even starting about the inconsideration of these people.

terrible.

life

saw a photo in willie's facebook profile pictures and a particular picture brought a smile to my face. it reminded me of my school days when we had to place green bean seeds on wet cotton patches in petri-dishes and watch them germinate... and it also reminded me of watching tadpoles grow, and chicks hatch, and flowers bloom... and it inspired me to write this in my facebook:

there's always something magical in watching a flower bloom, a little seed grow, an egg hatch...

and then i stopped... i did not know how to end it... and i pondered and i decided to end it with...

... it's called life.

thought this is the most appropriate ending for this simple sentence.

photo from http://mindpetals.com/the-force-of-life-is-in-the-seed/

sapphie's first banana

i was so surprised earlier when sapphie actually ate the banana i offered. for the longest time, she wouldn't even touch it when i offered (at most, she'd sniff it). but today, she came to me when i peeled a banana and when i offered her, she took it rather quickly!

wah! haha...