durians! think i'll go for a durian dinner tonight!
:-)
:-)
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Saturday, 18 July 2009
first death
i think it is rather sick... this whole h1n1 thingee... it's one thing to encourage good hygiene and cleanliness and healthy living and la la la... but it's another thing altogether with the daily reporting where it played out like as though everyone is looking forward to a new milestone being reached. and these milestone are defined by events such as (1) the first h1n1 to reach here, or (2) the first local transmission, or (3) first critically ill to be sent to icu, or (4) the first local death... even the health minister has come out telling everyone that sooner or later someone will die... come on, it's all about statistics, when there is enough numbers, some one will die! but they way things are being played out and reported, i think it's a little overkill and the whole fiasco is turning out to be a little perverted...
just hope they'll focus back to the crux of it - keep healthy, maintain hygienic practises and act responsibly when one is down with sickness (and i am not talking about just flu).
just hope they'll focus back to the crux of it - keep healthy, maintain hygienic practises and act responsibly when one is down with sickness (and i am not talking about just flu).
flat screen tv
finally rewarded myself with a flat screen 40" lcd tv. damage - 1.6k. but well, thought it was a good buy. will be sending my current tv to my bro's place for my mum to watch. his current tv is going bonkers.
:-)
:-)
obsessed
just watched obsessed (see synopsis) with damien earlier on. well, it was a rather nice no-brainer show. the kind that is best watched when one wants to not think too deep and just blank off. the show has a rather expected plot and its fair share of intense moments too. it was the typical "girl obsessed with married man, girl stalks man, man resists but wife finds out nonetheless, man and wife quarrel, man and wife separate temporarily, man and wife reconcile, girl continues stalking, girl goes to man's house when wife goes out, wife comes home, cat fight, struggle, bang, pow, wham, more cat fight, girl falls, girl dies... the end and they live happily ever after" well, i do admit i kinda like the cat fight scenes. almost had me going `you go girl!'.heh heh...
:-)
ps: well, if you ask me, there was perhaps one little thing that this film was different from what one would have expected - that it was a white girl that was obsessed with and tried to break up an african-american family and not the other way round. this, perhaps, is something that would have never happened, even on film, say 5 years ago.
back support
just returned home from watching the harry porter movie with schneider and bee. as usual excellent effects, although it was a wee bit too little. still, i enjoyed it. (although i must admit the harry porter magic seemed a little stale by now)...
anyway, today (or rather, yesterday) was the first time i ventured out of my home big time after suffering my horrendous back sprain. and as expected, my back started to ache terribly by evening time. managed to purchase a back support and hey presto! it worked wonders! i was able to hold myself upright. and i could cough confidently without fear of spraining my back! should have invested in one long time back! well, better late than never!
:-)
anyway, today (or rather, yesterday) was the first time i ventured out of my home big time after suffering my horrendous back sprain. and as expected, my back started to ache terribly by evening time. managed to purchase a back support and hey presto! it worked wonders! i was able to hold myself upright. and i could cough confidently without fear of spraining my back! should have invested in one long time back! well, better late than never!
:-)
Friday, 17 July 2009
urologist
just returned from my visit to the urologist for a problem i experienced some 2 month back.
walked into the clinic, took my queue number and waited. there was like loads of people queuing to see the doctor. and while waiting, some questions raced thru my mind - will i be made to strip? will he insert anything into me? if yes, where? will it be painful? la la la... rather scary, yet rather shy. anyway, in no time, my turn came.
gingerly, i walked in, and the doctor went through a few questions about my medical history. and then he told me to lie face up at the examination bed. i did so. and he told me to loosen my pants... i did so. pulled it down just a little. and he explained that he was doing an ultra sound scan of my kidneys. the gel he used felt really cold. hmmm, or was i just nervous? anyway, he asked me to pull my pants down a bit more. i did so, just enough for him to scan the areas above my privates - my bladder area.
and then came the final part, he asked me to pull it further down. and he put it nicely, "down to my thigh-level." hmmm... felt a little shy. and he said he would be doing some probes to check if there are any abnormal growth. he told me to turn to my side away from him and next thing i knew, he shouted out to the nurse - "nurse, can you bring me some ky gel? i need lots of it."
i was like !!! !!! !!!
anyway, he put on his rubber gloves, and then told me it would be a little uncomfortable. and the next thing i knew, he inserted his finger into my rear. and within a couple of seconds, he pulled it out and told me to clean myself up. and of cos, he offered me a whole box of tissue! he walked to his desk and waited for me after that. after cleaning myself off the gel, he explained to me that he didn't think there was anything significantly wrong with me. nonetheless, he would want to put me thru a uro ct scan and a full urinary tract check on a later date. for the check, it would involve inserting a probe into my pee hole to check my urinary tract and if need be, extract tissues for further tests. that, according to him, might be a little uncomfortable... well, that would be done in 2-3 weeks time.
the whole procedure ended faster than i expected. i paid up, took my medication and left. what an experience! what i went through today could be summed up in short, and no less crudely, as "i paid a doctor to finger f*** me today!"
hmmm, it sounds so so so wrong isn't it!?! lol!
ps: oh, forgot to mention, the doctor was quite cute too! haha! i am such a slut!
walked into the clinic, took my queue number and waited. there was like loads of people queuing to see the doctor. and while waiting, some questions raced thru my mind - will i be made to strip? will he insert anything into me? if yes, where? will it be painful? la la la... rather scary, yet rather shy. anyway, in no time, my turn came.
gingerly, i walked in, and the doctor went through a few questions about my medical history. and then he told me to lie face up at the examination bed. i did so. and he told me to loosen my pants... i did so. pulled it down just a little. and he explained that he was doing an ultra sound scan of my kidneys. the gel he used felt really cold. hmmm, or was i just nervous? anyway, he asked me to pull my pants down a bit more. i did so, just enough for him to scan the areas above my privates - my bladder area.
and then came the final part, he asked me to pull it further down. and he put it nicely, "down to my thigh-level." hmmm... felt a little shy. and he said he would be doing some probes to check if there are any abnormal growth. he told me to turn to my side away from him and next thing i knew, he shouted out to the nurse - "nurse, can you bring me some ky gel? i need lots of it."
i was like !!! !!! !!!
anyway, he put on his rubber gloves, and then told me it would be a little uncomfortable. and the next thing i knew, he inserted his finger into my rear. and within a couple of seconds, he pulled it out and told me to clean myself up. and of cos, he offered me a whole box of tissue! he walked to his desk and waited for me after that. after cleaning myself off the gel, he explained to me that he didn't think there was anything significantly wrong with me. nonetheless, he would want to put me thru a uro ct scan and a full urinary tract check on a later date. for the check, it would involve inserting a probe into my pee hole to check my urinary tract and if need be, extract tissues for further tests. that, according to him, might be a little uncomfortable... well, that would be done in 2-3 weeks time.
the whole procedure ended faster than i expected. i paid up, took my medication and left. what an experience! what i went through today could be summed up in short, and no less crudely, as "i paid a doctor to finger f*** me today!"
hmmm, it sounds so so so wrong isn't it!?! lol!
ps: oh, forgot to mention, the doctor was quite cute too! haha! i am such a slut!
bling uncle
was at the hawker center this morning when i saw this 70 plus years old uncle seated cross-legged (the female way and not the macho cross leg type) and having his breakfast. it was difficult not to see him for he was rather effeminate in his mannerism, wore lots of accessories, donned a low v-neck cut purple tee shirt (imagine topman), a very very flora surf shorts and haviannas flip flops. and to further add to the contrast, he had a balding head and wore a thick pair of glasses (the type tat look like having 2 round moons on your face). i could imagine him being the grandfather of many if i were to only focus at the neck upwards.
but what struck me most was the fact that he was totally at ease with himself. he didn't seemed to care less what everyone was doing or whether anyone was looking at him. he was just there, enjoying his coffee and savouring every moment of his breakfast.
and this, to me is the very pinnacle of what i have always wanted - be happy.
you go girl (errrr, uncle... or auntie)... watever!
:-)
but what struck me most was the fact that he was totally at ease with himself. he didn't seemed to care less what everyone was doing or whether anyone was looking at him. he was just there, enjoying his coffee and savouring every moment of his breakfast.
and this, to me is the very pinnacle of what i have always wanted - be happy.
you go girl (errrr, uncle... or auntie)... watever!
:-)
fishing for bird
i find this damned freaking funny. listening to the conversation (mix of teochew and malay) makes me laugh out loud! hahaha!
:-)
Thursday, 16 July 2009
fighting?
as part of my daily routine, i would call my mum and speak to her. and as part of our conversation, i had told her about my backache and how i had been bedridden for the last couple of days. most of the time she would show her concern and asked if i am ok and whether there are any one to take care of me.
but earlier on, when i spoke with her, her response confused me. rather than asking if i was ok, she asked whether after `this experience', i still dare to fight with people. for a short while i did not understand what she was talking about and asked her to repeat. and she said the same - would you dare to pick up a fight again? it then dawned upon me that she had thought my backache was due to some fights.
hmmm, i guessed her dementia has gotten a little worst. it's scary how this disease is slowly but surely affecting her ability to think and to recall things correctly. i believed she must have confused me with my late dad for (if my memory served me well) he was involved in fights long time back and my mum would clean his wounds for him. and this reminded me of one more thing - the domestic helper told me that my mum recently went to my brother's room to wake him up thinking that he was my dad!
sighs.
but earlier on, when i spoke with her, her response confused me. rather than asking if i was ok, she asked whether after `this experience', i still dare to fight with people. for a short while i did not understand what she was talking about and asked her to repeat. and she said the same - would you dare to pick up a fight again? it then dawned upon me that she had thought my backache was due to some fights.
hmmm, i guessed her dementia has gotten a little worst. it's scary how this disease is slowly but surely affecting her ability to think and to recall things correctly. i believed she must have confused me with my late dad for (if my memory served me well) he was involved in fights long time back and my mum would clean his wounds for him. and this reminded me of one more thing - the domestic helper told me that my mum recently went to my brother's room to wake him up thinking that he was my dad!
sighs.
'cuse me
since young, my mum taught me to quietly call out:"siam siam" (hokkien for `excuse me, excuse me') before i pee in the bushes. this was to forewarn any wondering spirits that might be lurking in the bushes to move away so that they don't end up getting pissed on (cos if i did, i would end up being cursed by them or something along this line). this, apparently, was a common practice cos i see it often practiced even by my peers in the field. and this has become kinda standard for most of us and it comes instinctively whenever we need to ease ourselves.during my recent holiday trip to australia, there was a couple of times where we had to drive long distances and between stops, there was absolutely no toilets. and so, when nature calls, i had to pee in the bushes... and very instinctively, i would call out "siam siam!"... and at one particular instant, i wondered - how could the lurking spirits - likely to be ang mo (`red hair' aka caucasian) by race, if any - understand hokkien words... with this realization, i adapted my calls to "excuse me excuse me!"
ha ha...
:-)
couple
reading a comment by gavin prompted me to post this picture. it was taken at the cascade in pemberton. we were walking out to our car when we thought - hmmm, why not take a picture of our shadow. and so we did a kissing pose and had this taken.:-)
following comments that focused so much on that one little appendage protruding out (which in reality was the cover of my sling bag), i have done some touching up and posted the picture below... ha ha...
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
sitting-up
today, i managed to finally sit up and walk a few steps at a time. and it felt good. had been sleeping since two night ago... well, of cos the sleep was intermittently interrupted by meals and medication. the pain is now much much manageable other than the very `sng' (or achy) feeling at my lower back after walking a few steps. heh heh, i think i looked like a old old man walking in the park... step by step, hands holding onto whatever support i can grab as i walk... and of cos, bee bee has been very sweet these couple of days nursing me, making breakfast for me, buying meals for me, getting me my medications etc.
:-)
ps: one of the side effects of the strong painkiller i am taking is gastric pain and it can be really excruciating at times! think i'll start to wean myself off the painkiller tonight!
:-)
ps: one of the side effects of the strong painkiller i am taking is gastric pain and it can be really excruciating at times! think i'll start to wean myself off the painkiller tonight!
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
sleepy head
at about 7.45pm last night, i could not take the pain and decided to go to this hospital. the doctor said i had a super bad sprain, gave me a jab and whole lot of painkillers, and sent me home. i slept at 9.30pm after coming home from the hospital for my backache. and i woke up at 2pm today... been a long time since i slept so long. heh heh... due to my backache, i cannot stand up straight and had to lie down on one side. and the next thing i know, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
:-)
(i continued sleeping after that and woke up at 7.30pm! new record for me in my life! heh heh..)
:-)
(i continued sleeping after that and woke up at 7.30pm! new record for me in my life! heh heh..)
Monday, 13 July 2009
crossroads
i am now at the end of my first profession. i will be moving on towards a new direction in life. it's rather stressful come to think of it. yet outwardly, i seemed to be rather non-chalant about it. perhaps it is cos i am expecting a sum of money after i leave service that allows me to sustain for a year or so and for now, i can take my time. perhaps i am just procrastinating and making excuses as to why i should not be looking for a job just yet (market out there is bad la la la)... or perhaps i am just too fed-up with everything at this point in time. or perhaps, it is a combination of all these factors...
hmmm, i must say that as i reach this crossroad once again, i cannot help but feel a little angry with the organisation and the system. somehow, my pass just come back to me again, and again. i know it is not productive, but i guess it is a natural emotion that i am feeling - one of being discriminated against and about being unfairly treated becos of my sexuality.
bee asked me last evening, what is my aim and i looked at him and could not answer his question. financial commitments, housing loans, car loans, daily expenses, health issues, etc. things like these will continue to be factors i have to consider. then again, i don't think i am in any dire state of affairs that would force me to go hungry. not at least for the next year plus.
i think i am just avoiding my realities for now. i will have to face it sometime. it is just that this is still not the time... hmmm, i am procrastinating again! i really need to motivate myself to start finding my direction.
hmmmph!
hmmm, i must say that as i reach this crossroad once again, i cannot help but feel a little angry with the organisation and the system. somehow, my pass just come back to me again, and again. i know it is not productive, but i guess it is a natural emotion that i am feeling - one of being discriminated against and about being unfairly treated becos of my sexuality.
bee asked me last evening, what is my aim and i looked at him and could not answer his question. financial commitments, housing loans, car loans, daily expenses, health issues, etc. things like these will continue to be factors i have to consider. then again, i don't think i am in any dire state of affairs that would force me to go hungry. not at least for the next year plus.
i think i am just avoiding my realities for now. i will have to face it sometime. it is just that this is still not the time... hmmm, i am procrastinating again! i really need to motivate myself to start finding my direction.
hmmmph!
counting down
tomorrow, i shall return to work for a day. well, actually, more to clear off my emails. and then, i will be on leave again until i leave service end of the month.
:-)
:-)
backache
aiyoh... it's been a week, yet my backache has not recover... got it after long distance driving in australia. and it's been hurting since. and today, i sprained it again. hmmm, think i should pay the chinese sinseh a visit!
hmmmph!
hmmmph!
Friday, 10 July 2009
neck exercise
got this from my sis. damned lame, but it works alright! just make sure your keep your body straight when you read...
:-)
:-)
bicentennial tree
the bicentennial tree is one of the few trees where watchers would climb up to look out for forest fires in southern australia. the azimuth of the fire sighted from the tree would be used to triangulate with the readings of that sighted at other trees (such as gloucester tree, diamond tree) so that the exact location of the forest fire could be pinpointed and where fire fighters could be despatched.wave rock
it was superbly windy @ the wave rock. and of cos, not to mention - very cold too! but we loved every minute of it! it starting drizzling when we climbed to the top of the wave rock. but it was all worth it, the view of the whole surrounding area was really awesome!:-)
scones @ porongurup
drove around the area and chanced upon this quaint little cafe by the road at porongurup.
decided to drop in for some sweet stuff. and it there that we tasted the most tasty scone in our lives. for that matter, bee said the scones was the highlight of all the meals he had in western australia! and yes, the homemade apricot jam was simply heavenly!albany wind farm
these were taken at the albany wind farm. our second trip there. we never get tired of the blueness of the sky. so beautiful! and the air up there was so cooling! simply wonderful!
mt clarence
this was the sculpture at the top of mount clarence. installed in remembrance of servicemen from albany who participated in world war 1. against the blue sky, it looked extra grand! at night, it was litted green and certainly looked very eerie...:-)
cape leeuwin
if i don't recall wrongly, this is the lighthouse that helps ships navigate as they enter the southern australian waters from the indian ocean. we reached there about 4.15pm. not enough time to catch the last guided tour of the lighthouse. then again, it looked impressive, even from afar.rainbow
we were on our way back to perth after pinnacles and there was a slight drizzle. and we managed to capture this image of a rainbow in front of us. and at one stage, the rainbow literally ended directly in front of my car! simply stunning! but, well... there was no pot of gold there!:-)
pinnacles
this is a panoramic 360 degrees view of the pinnacles... nice and beautiful place. and depending on the angle of shoot, the photo might just look that the surface of planet mars!loss items
i must comment the changi airport for their integrity and customer service. you see, i managed to retrieve a piece of lost `luggage' after reporting it's lost two days earlier. the story goes this way...
we reached the airport at 9plus in the evening 7 jul and happily walked towards the immigration counter. we were told we had to fill in the health form as mandated by ministry of health due to the spread of h1n1. and all too soon, we hopped onto the cab for home. in the cab, we realized that we were short of one piece of hand luggage... bee had left a plastic bag (those ntuc kind that makes a lot of noise) containing all our candies (and my jacket and a storybook) behind at the immigration counter area. when i reached home, i called the airport and made a lost report. and yesterday, i called up to check and was pleasantly surprised that the bag had been found.
:-)
we reached the airport at 9plus in the evening 7 jul and happily walked towards the immigration counter. we were told we had to fill in the health form as mandated by ministry of health due to the spread of h1n1. and all too soon, we hopped onto the cab for home. in the cab, we realized that we were short of one piece of hand luggage... bee had left a plastic bag (those ntuc kind that makes a lot of noise) containing all our candies (and my jacket and a storybook) behind at the immigration counter area. when i reached home, i called the airport and made a lost report. and yesterday, i called up to check and was pleasantly surprised that the bag had been found.
:-)
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
back!
we are back!!! the following was our itinerary...
30 jun (1n) - arr perth
>> perth city
1 jul (2n) - dep perth
>> pinnacles (cervantes)
>> cervantes (cervantes)
>> emu downs wind farm
>> back to perth
2 jul (3n) - dep perth
>> busselton jetty (busselton)
>> margaret river (margaret river)
>> mammoth cave (margaret river)
>> cape leeuwin lighthouse (augusta)
>> arrive pemberton
3 jul (4n) - dep pemberton
>> karri forest explorer drive (pemberton)
- the cascades
- bicentennial tree
- big brook dam
- gloucester tree
>> manjimup (manjimup)
>> back to pemberton
4 jul (5n) - dep pemberton
>> walpole (walpole)
>> valley of giants
>> denmark (denmark)
>> arrive albany
>> mount clarence (albany)
>> emu point (albany)
5 jul (6n) - dep albany
>> wind farm (albany)
>> the gap (torndirrup national park) (albany)
>> porongurup
>> back to albany
6 jul (7n) - dep albany
>> wave rock (hyden)
>> corrigin town (corrigin)
>> corrigin dog cemetery (corrigin)
>> york historic town (york)
>> arrive perth
7 jul - dep perth
>> fremantle (fremantle)
>> aquarium of western australia (joondalup)
>> dep perth
>> arrive sg
total distance traveled was 2513km. tiring. but refreshing.
so glad to be home!
:-)
30 jun (1n) - arr perth
>> perth city
1 jul (2n) - dep perth
>> pinnacles (cervantes)
>> cervantes (cervantes)
>> emu downs wind farm
>> back to perth
2 jul (3n) - dep perth
>> busselton jetty (busselton)
>> margaret river (margaret river)
>> mammoth cave (margaret river)
>> cape leeuwin lighthouse (augusta)
>> arrive pemberton
3 jul (4n) - dep pemberton
>> karri forest explorer drive (pemberton)
- the cascades
- bicentennial tree
- big brook dam
- gloucester tree
>> manjimup (manjimup)
>> back to pemberton
4 jul (5n) - dep pemberton
>> walpole (walpole)
>> valley of giants
>> denmark (denmark)
>> arrive albany
>> mount clarence (albany)
>> emu point (albany)
5 jul (6n) - dep albany
>> wind farm (albany)
>> the gap (torndirrup national park) (albany)
>> porongurup
>> back to albany
6 jul (7n) - dep albany
>> wave rock (hyden)
>> corrigin town (corrigin)
>> corrigin dog cemetery (corrigin)
>> york historic town (york)
>> arrive perth
7 jul - dep perth
>> fremantle (fremantle)
>> aquarium of western australia (joondalup)
>> dep perth
>> arrive sg
total distance traveled was 2513km. tiring. but refreshing.
so glad to be home!
:-)
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
thoughts abt traveling
just done with my packing and the following are some things that i am bringing for the first time in my life for a holiday!
- a thermometer for daily temperature checks.
- masks to wear as a prevention from contracting h1n1 (come to think of it, they might probably be more fearful about getting the bug from us than us them!).
also, the following went thru my mind as i pack...
- will i get awkward stares when i wear mask during flight?
- should i take 2 panadol tablets before i fly so that if (touchwood), if, and really if, i have a fever, it would be suppressed?
- will i get thru immigration checks faster if we were to wear our masks? hmmm... or perhaps, they will demand that we take off our mask to verify that we are not terrorists! or hmmm, should i give a slight cough here and there... hmmm, better not! might just end up being quarantined!
- is 1 mask per day sufficient?
- should i err on the safe side and pack more winter wear (brrr, i know i have the tendency to overpack!)?
hmmm... well, let's just hope for the best. the one single thing i am most fearful about is to get quarantined in an australian hospital after touching down!
touchwood! touchwood! touchwood!
:-)
touchwood! touchwood! touchwood!
:-)
Monday, 29 June 2009
sapphie's a dog
went back to the boarding house again to leave instructions for sapphie to be allowed to be taken out for walks by james (my ex), steven (a good friend of ours) and my sis. they have all agreed to take her out for walks whenever they can. when i reach there, sapphie jumped and jumped and whimpered none stop. it was as though i had left her for a long long time. hmmm, perhaps. to a dog, it's 7 times human time. spent some time with her and managed to quieten her down a little.
when i left, again she barked non-stop. and it was a bark that i have not heard before in my life. her barks have always sounded... erm, very sapphie, very domesticated. but today, she sounded different. she sounded wild. she sounded afraid. i cannot find correct words to describe it. it was just... different. she continued barking even after i was out of sight. and i could still hear her when i walk out to the administration block.
i left with a heavy heart.
and i think i know better now how parents felt when they sent their sons off for their national service. perhaps... perhaps...
...
when i left, again she barked non-stop. and it was a bark that i have not heard before in my life. her barks have always sounded... erm, very sapphie, very domesticated. but today, she sounded different. she sounded wild. she sounded afraid. i cannot find correct words to describe it. it was just... different. she continued barking even after i was out of sight. and i could still hear her when i walk out to the administration block.
i left with a heavy heart.
and i think i know better now how parents felt when they sent their sons off for their national service. perhaps... perhaps...
...
crying dog
had just sent sapphie to the boarding house.
she was prancing around when i brought her out of the house. she looked so happy. perhaps she was thinking i was going to bring her to play. at the boarding house, she was led to a small enclosure. she resisted going in for a short while and i had to prod her along. the indian worker locked the door and i walked out to do the necessary administration and paperwork.
before leaving, i went back to say goodbye to her. when she saw me from afar she was jumping high and low. and when i stroked her from outside the door, she whimpered none stop. it was so heartbreaking. i felt like crying.
sobs...
she was prancing around when i brought her out of the house. she looked so happy. perhaps she was thinking i was going to bring her to play. at the boarding house, she was led to a small enclosure. she resisted going in for a short while and i had to prod her along. the indian worker locked the door and i walked out to do the necessary administration and paperwork.
before leaving, i went back to say goodbye to her. when she saw me from afar she was jumping high and low. and when i stroked her from outside the door, she whimpered none stop. it was so heartbreaking. i felt like crying.
sobs...
pre-holiday prep
hmmm, let's see...
- plan itinerary - checked
- purchase package - checked
- get vaccinated - checked
- check travel documents - checked
- get face mask - checked
- top-up toiletries - checked
- check out boarding house - checked
- do laundry - checked
- change fish tank water - checked
- put plant in balcony and with excess water - checked
- stop newspaper subscription temporarily - checked
- walk the dog - checked
- sent dog to boarding house
- clean the house
- pack... la la la la la...
... lot's more to do before bee and i leave for our trip early tomorrow morning. and i'll be sending sapphie to the boarding house in a while. it's so sad to think of her being alone in the boarding house. she'll be so lonely. come to think of it, even when i leave my house, i'd switch on the tv or radio for her... but for the next week and a half she'll be alone in that little dog enclosure. no tv. no radio. nothing... think i'll better pack along a used t-shirt her when she goes to the boarding house later! having a dog is like having a baby. the only thing is that you cannot bring along the dog for holiday (unless you are ok with the 1-month quarantine period after the trip)!
argh!
argh!
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Friday, 26 June 2009
michael
when someone as iconic as michael jackson dies, he brings a part of you along with him.
rest in peace mj.
:-(
rest in peace mj.
:-(
suck thumb
when malaysia says "mas selamat was arrested under the internal security act (isa) as he is deemed a threat to the country... mas selamat’s isa detention would ensure that his activities and contacts with other militant groups in asia could be contained." what they meant was "singapore cannot ensure the containment of msk and his militant group." period.
ha ha... simple politics language. what's unsaid is louder than what's said. and it was so obvious. first they say, oh ok, we'll hand over msk to you, then their prime minister comes over, reiterate that they'll hand over once their investigation is over. and then the next thing you know, they say they'll keep him for 2 years... and all singapore could do was - suck thumb, sit and say - "we understand." heh heh... i mean, what else can singapore say rite?
:-)
ha ha... simple politics language. what's unsaid is louder than what's said. and it was so obvious. first they say, oh ok, we'll hand over msk to you, then their prime minister comes over, reiterate that they'll hand over once their investigation is over. and then the next thing you know, they say they'll keep him for 2 years... and all singapore could do was - suck thumb, sit and say - "we understand." heh heh... i mean, what else can singapore say rite?
:-)
Thursday, 25 June 2009
log in
i think i've been a little stressed up lately unknowingly. i find myself getting a little agitated with small things these few days - be it over finances, friends' behaviour, whatever. and i'd do silly things without even realizing it.
just 5 minutes ago, after switching on my computer, i wanted to login to one of my usual webpages. at the login page, i was prompted to key in my user id and password. i typed "login" in the box for user id and i stared at the screen and waited for the page to load. it took me a couple of seconds to realize what i did! and a few seconds for such a silly thing is a looooooooong time!
heh heh...
:-)
just 5 minutes ago, after switching on my computer, i wanted to login to one of my usual webpages. at the login page, i was prompted to key in my user id and password. i typed "login" in the box for user id and i stared at the screen and waited for the page to load. it took me a couple of seconds to realize what i did! and a few seconds for such a silly thing is a looooooooong time!
heh heh...
:-)
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
meetings
i've been attending my cousins' wake these couple of days and each day, i get to meet and catch up with lots of relatives. mostly from my generation. those of my parents' generation are either too sickly or have left us. and i can say we find the catching up very fun. it certainly felt very good to talk about our parents, their experiences, our old kampong days, how we had fun, how we played, how we lived life back then. and of course, we would also laugh at each other now and joked about how we have all grown old and fat and la la la...
reflecting, it's rather sad that relatives and friends tend to meet only when someone in the family (1) marries (2) gives birth (3) celebrates his/ her birthdays (4) passes away. and whenever they meet, they would speak of their past and then lament that they should meet more often... and all too soon, they take their leave. and then they would meet again during the next marriage, birthday or funeral wake... and yet again, they would reminisce and lament. and the cycle repeats. and each time they meet, they realize their contemporaries get older and older, and the number of people gets lesser and lesser... and all too soon, they themselves become the object of the meeting...
hmmmm...
reflecting, it's rather sad that relatives and friends tend to meet only when someone in the family (1) marries (2) gives birth (3) celebrates his/ her birthdays (4) passes away. and whenever they meet, they would speak of their past and then lament that they should meet more often... and all too soon, they take their leave. and then they would meet again during the next marriage, birthday or funeral wake... and yet again, they would reminisce and lament. and the cycle repeats. and each time they meet, they realize their contemporaries get older and older, and the number of people gets lesser and lesser... and all too soon, they themselves become the object of the meeting...
hmmmm...
Monday, 22 June 2009
Sunday, 21 June 2009
h1n1
it's been quite a couple of weeks and the number of cases continue to rise. local transmission has become a fact. the ministry has also announced that if the local transmission continues to increase, the strategy would become one that treats affected sickly patients in hospitals, home quarantine for those who has been exposed and so on...
but think about this, when will this end? technically speaking, the flu is gonna be a long term thing. for now, it is about slowing its' spread. it is not about stopping it. and so in time to come, particularly with the northern hemisphere winter coming, we can expect the flu pandemic to get worst. and as a devil advocate here, i wonder - will it be just easier for everyone to get infected while it is still mild and get ourselves immune to it? and if one were to argue that what we are doing now is preparing for the superflu to come, have we not already had sufficient rehearsal? hmmm, am not in the full know of such medical stuff, but all i can see is a pandemic that is here to stay. for very very long...
:-(
but think about this, when will this end? technically speaking, the flu is gonna be a long term thing. for now, it is about slowing its' spread. it is not about stopping it. and so in time to come, particularly with the northern hemisphere winter coming, we can expect the flu pandemic to get worst. and as a devil advocate here, i wonder - will it be just easier for everyone to get infected while it is still mild and get ourselves immune to it? and if one were to argue that what we are doing now is preparing for the superflu to come, have we not already had sufficient rehearsal? hmmm, am not in the full know of such medical stuff, but all i can see is a pandemic that is here to stay. for very very long...
:-(
father's day
today is father's day. and it is my first father's day without a father. feels a bit off. kinda weird, indescribable. it's funny how one takes for granted such days and misses a person only when he is not around. well, of cos i miss him quite a bit often but the feeling is a bit more pronounced today.
anyway, happy father's dad pa...
wherever you are.
anyway, happy father's dad pa...
wherever you are.
Saturday, 20 June 2009
routines
routines - our lives revolve around routines. hourly routines, daily routines, weekly routines, etc... and i supposed routines keep us sane. it makes things predictable. it gives a sense of security. but of course the flip side to it is that it could possibly make things boring...
ok, just rambling... empty reflections after my housework - weekend routines.
:-)
ok, just rambling... empty reflections after my housework - weekend routines.
:-)
miu - willie, derek
had lunch with willie and derek yesterday. it was good to be able to catch up with them finally. i guess it is our past and our common experiences in the organisation that had brought us and bounded together.
i had known derek since late '90s, and willie since 2001. and subsequently, through derek, i got to know darius and soon the group expanded to include roger and simon. and at a particular dinner at park mall one day, the 6 joked about calling ourselves `miu'. in a way, miu was a loosely organised group that agreed to keep in touch and to help each other in times of need. and in a sort of way, we were a closed support group. time passed, we continue meeting up, interacted, socialised, bitched about work and what have yous. and at times, one or two of us would want to push the boundary and wanted to have something more organised - an expanded support group that reaches out to the wider community in our organisation, a network that covers across organisations in the country, etc etc etc. it sounded good and was very ambitious. but then again, we decided against it for we knew at that time that it was probably not very appropriate (be it from the organisation angle or to the discomfort of some individuals amongst us). and so we dropped the idea. anyway, shall not talk too much about miu here. back to my lunch.
the lunch was good. excellent food. and the company was even better. the conversation revolved around catching up on each others' life since we last met, our past, and of course our present - how things have changed, new partners, new developments at work, new personal challenges, and so on. and all too soon, it was time to part.
as i drove off with derek, i reflected how we have all had different experiences in our personal lives through these years. as individuals, we have all `grown up' since our early out-of-closet days, how we each had our cruising days, tested the ways of relationships, matured and in our own ways, eventually found balance and self-confidence in our own lives. and at the workplace, struggled with our organisation-self tensions and move on. and so far, all have left the organisation. i will join their ranks very soon.
personally, i have a slightly different special affinity and depth of relationship for each one of them. and i believe we each have different affinities to each others. also, we have this unsaid rule to respect each others' space and accept each other. and i believed this kept us going. we have seen each other through quite a bit of things and despite the ups and downs over the years, we have kept in touch and our friendship has remained strong. these days, we do not catch up with one another as frequently. and so, to keep pace with their lives, i'd follow their blogs, their facebook as well as the occasional msn status updates. and i would drop a note or two to them when and if i sense they may need some encouragement or support.
i am very happy to them as my friends.
:-)
i had known derek since late '90s, and willie since 2001. and subsequently, through derek, i got to know darius and soon the group expanded to include roger and simon. and at a particular dinner at park mall one day, the 6 joked about calling ourselves `miu'. in a way, miu was a loosely organised group that agreed to keep in touch and to help each other in times of need. and in a sort of way, we were a closed support group. time passed, we continue meeting up, interacted, socialised, bitched about work and what have yous. and at times, one or two of us would want to push the boundary and wanted to have something more organised - an expanded support group that reaches out to the wider community in our organisation, a network that covers across organisations in the country, etc etc etc. it sounded good and was very ambitious. but then again, we decided against it for we knew at that time that it was probably not very appropriate (be it from the organisation angle or to the discomfort of some individuals amongst us). and so we dropped the idea. anyway, shall not talk too much about miu here. back to my lunch.
the lunch was good. excellent food. and the company was even better. the conversation revolved around catching up on each others' life since we last met, our past, and of course our present - how things have changed, new partners, new developments at work, new personal challenges, and so on. and all too soon, it was time to part.
as i drove off with derek, i reflected how we have all had different experiences in our personal lives through these years. as individuals, we have all `grown up' since our early out-of-closet days, how we each had our cruising days, tested the ways of relationships, matured and in our own ways, eventually found balance and self-confidence in our own lives. and at the workplace, struggled with our organisation-self tensions and move on. and so far, all have left the organisation. i will join their ranks very soon.
personally, i have a slightly different special affinity and depth of relationship for each one of them. and i believe we each have different affinities to each others. also, we have this unsaid rule to respect each others' space and accept each other. and i believed this kept us going. we have seen each other through quite a bit of things and despite the ups and downs over the years, we have kept in touch and our friendship has remained strong. these days, we do not catch up with one another as frequently. and so, to keep pace with their lives, i'd follow their blogs, their facebook as well as the occasional msn status updates. and i would drop a note or two to them when and if i sense they may need some encouragement or support.
i am very happy to them as my friends.
:-)
Friday, 19 June 2009
close shave
was on the way to dinner along the ecp this evening. was driving on the outermost lane (lane 1). and then the motor bike diagonally left in front of my car lost control and buang (skidded)! the biker flew off the bike, fell on lane 2 (my left lane) while his bike crashed right into my lane.
it all happened within a split of a second. the every god damned car around me screeched to a halt. i was totally stunt! jammed my brake. but i had to make sure i control my e-brake such that i don't run over his bike, and yet not too sudden such that the car behind me crash into me. my car stopped beautifully. the car behind me came to a halt millimeters from my rear bumper...
for that moment, the biker looked dead. he was motionless. and just as we were all coming to our senses, the biker moved. the driver behind came out of his car, rush to the biker and helped him up. by which time, bee and i also came out of our car and tried to see what we could do to help. the biker was in pain. but he got up, limped his way to his bike and pushed it to the side. he apologized to me and asked if he has damaged my car. no, i told him. my car was ok. but he looked bad and in pain. i called for an ambulance instead. some minutes later, he asked me to call off the ambulance to which i did.
just then, a recovery vehicle drove up. the drivers and his assistant got down, rushed to my car and started to note my car plate. the assistant went up to the biker and asked if he wanted to book an ambulance. he sounded so insistent, the biker couldn't refuse. but frankly, i think the biker was still in a semi state of shock. i went up to the driver, and told him i did not cause the accident. he looked at me suspiciously. walked up to the biker and asked rather rudely whether he wanted to make a police report and whether i had really not hit him. damned it. i was rather pissed off by this recovery man. the biker again apologized to me. he pushed his bike further into the median and asked to please go ahead. i got into my car, gave the recovery men my bitchy look and drove off. of cos, as i drove pass the biker, i asked him to take care.
what an evening!
it all happened within a split of a second. the every god damned car around me screeched to a halt. i was totally stunt! jammed my brake. but i had to make sure i control my e-brake such that i don't run over his bike, and yet not too sudden such that the car behind me crash into me. my car stopped beautifully. the car behind me came to a halt millimeters from my rear bumper...
for that moment, the biker looked dead. he was motionless. and just as we were all coming to our senses, the biker moved. the driver behind came out of his car, rush to the biker and helped him up. by which time, bee and i also came out of our car and tried to see what we could do to help. the biker was in pain. but he got up, limped his way to his bike and pushed it to the side. he apologized to me and asked if he has damaged my car. no, i told him. my car was ok. but he looked bad and in pain. i called for an ambulance instead. some minutes later, he asked me to call off the ambulance to which i did.
just then, a recovery vehicle drove up. the drivers and his assistant got down, rushed to my car and started to note my car plate. the assistant went up to the biker and asked if he wanted to book an ambulance. he sounded so insistent, the biker couldn't refuse. but frankly, i think the biker was still in a semi state of shock. i went up to the driver, and told him i did not cause the accident. he looked at me suspiciously. walked up to the biker and asked rather rudely whether he wanted to make a police report and whether i had really not hit him. damned it. i was rather pissed off by this recovery man. the biker again apologized to me. he pushed his bike further into the median and asked to please go ahead. i got into my car, gave the recovery men my bitchy look and drove off. of cos, as i drove pass the biker, i asked him to take care.
what an evening!
Thursday, 18 June 2009
negative
whew! i got my hiv-test results today. negative.
you see, as part of the departure from my organisation i had to undergo a series of tests and checks. these include medical and dental certification - the tests include blood test, urine test, blood pressure & pulse rate checks. had my blood taken on monday and today i went back to undergo the rest of the test as well as to get my blood test results. it was one helluva apprehensive feeling for me. my last test was 1999. and that test was administered by my doctor friend. as he was my friend, i felt more assured. this time round, ten years had passed. ten years. ten long years. despite having not been engaged in anything risky, i cannot but felt apprehensive when i went to have my blood taken. what if there had been mistakes like cuts or injuries that i did not know of? there could be that one in a million chance right? time has the effect of making one lose his confidence. i felt so resigned to it.
last night, i did not sleep well.
when i went back for the results and other checks today, my heart felt like it could burst out of my chest. and this created quite a bit of difficulty for the medics. you see, they had to take my blood pressure and my pulse rate first. and as they were doing that, the medic shouted out that they could not find my blood test results (oh no! what if i was positive? - it rang through my mind) and i got kancheong, and as a result, my pulse registered more than 120! and my blood pressure shot up very high... they did a second try and again it was very high. i told them i had just rushed to the medical center and that could have caused the high readings. so i was asked to rest. and in that 30 seconds, the medical staff found my results. i asked for the results and he told me it was negative. magic word! i took the blood pressure and pulse rate again. this time round the pressure registered the normal range. altho the pulse rate was still a little high, the medic said it was ok. there was a trend of dropping rate since the first reading...
ha ha...
and after being certified fit and negative, i began to understand why people would start calling and telling their friends they are negative. it felt so good. it felt like you have been given another chance at life. and that you just want to scream out loud about it!
and yes, i also got the confirmation that i did not have diabetes (urine test shows no abnormal indicators), my bmi slightly high but no cause for concern, and that my blood pressure is in the normal range.
:-)
you see, as part of the departure from my organisation i had to undergo a series of tests and checks. these include medical and dental certification - the tests include blood test, urine test, blood pressure & pulse rate checks. had my blood taken on monday and today i went back to undergo the rest of the test as well as to get my blood test results. it was one helluva apprehensive feeling for me. my last test was 1999. and that test was administered by my doctor friend. as he was my friend, i felt more assured. this time round, ten years had passed. ten years. ten long years. despite having not been engaged in anything risky, i cannot but felt apprehensive when i went to have my blood taken. what if there had been mistakes like cuts or injuries that i did not know of? there could be that one in a million chance right? time has the effect of making one lose his confidence. i felt so resigned to it.
last night, i did not sleep well.
when i went back for the results and other checks today, my heart felt like it could burst out of my chest. and this created quite a bit of difficulty for the medics. you see, they had to take my blood pressure and my pulse rate first. and as they were doing that, the medic shouted out that they could not find my blood test results (oh no! what if i was positive? - it rang through my mind) and i got kancheong, and as a result, my pulse registered more than 120! and my blood pressure shot up very high... they did a second try and again it was very high. i told them i had just rushed to the medical center and that could have caused the high readings. so i was asked to rest. and in that 30 seconds, the medical staff found my results. i asked for the results and he told me it was negative. magic word! i took the blood pressure and pulse rate again. this time round the pressure registered the normal range. altho the pulse rate was still a little high, the medic said it was ok. there was a trend of dropping rate since the first reading...
ha ha...
and after being certified fit and negative, i began to understand why people would start calling and telling their friends they are negative. it felt so good. it felt like you have been given another chance at life. and that you just want to scream out loud about it!
and yes, i also got the confirmation that i did not have diabetes (urine test shows no abnormal indicators), my bmi slightly high but no cause for concern, and that my blood pressure is in the normal range.
:-)
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
closing shop
most people think that when one leaves his organisation, it would be freedom and that the process of leaving is easy - pack up and go. actually, i can say this - it can actually be rather stressful. let me elaborate:
firstly, when you reach the tail end of your time, people will assume you are very free. then they will try to give you stuff to do. that is the very first stress i face. but well, i think i have managed that ok.
secondly, when you start to clear leave on and off, and still go back office sometime, people will start to ask - how come you are back huh? thought you away? and then when they know you are around, they start coming to you for all sorts of things - eg ... errr, since you around, can i asked for you to go around and ensure that those people taking over stuff from you are all aware of what they are suppose to do? hmmm... now, i have briefed all and i have even let them copy over my hard disk... so, if they still cannot do, i can't help lo... errr, you know lah, people will never remember even after you brief them one or let them copy your hard disk. maybe you can check again... huh?!? wtf!
thirdly, you get people texting you when you are on leave asking if you can come back to clear work. ultimate! er... sorry, i am not free. got plans liao! hmmph!
fourthly, you get people coming up to you and reminding you to complete whatever you have been tasked and asking you to update them about how much you have done. hmmph again! wtf! hey! i am responsible person and you should just leave me alone and let me finish what i am supposed to finished! argh!!!
lastly, you keep getting people coming up to you and asking you what you will be doing next. and when you tell them you have nothing, they probe further - don't like tat lah... tell me your secret... er... i am really not doing anything yet! leave me alone! bug off!
but, seen positively, they are probably showing their concern lor... ya, right!
ha!
firstly, when you reach the tail end of your time, people will assume you are very free. then they will try to give you stuff to do. that is the very first stress i face. but well, i think i have managed that ok.
secondly, when you start to clear leave on and off, and still go back office sometime, people will start to ask - how come you are back huh? thought you away? and then when they know you are around, they start coming to you for all sorts of things - eg ... errr, since you around, can i asked for you to go around and ensure that those people taking over stuff from you are all aware of what they are suppose to do? hmmm... now, i have briefed all and i have even let them copy over my hard disk... so, if they still cannot do, i can't help lo... errr, you know lah, people will never remember even after you brief them one or let them copy your hard disk. maybe you can check again... huh?!? wtf!
thirdly, you get people texting you when you are on leave asking if you can come back to clear work. ultimate! er... sorry, i am not free. got plans liao! hmmph!
fourthly, you get people coming up to you and reminding you to complete whatever you have been tasked and asking you to update them about how much you have done. hmmph again! wtf! hey! i am responsible person and you should just leave me alone and let me finish what i am supposed to finished! argh!!!
lastly, you keep getting people coming up to you and asking you what you will be doing next. and when you tell them you have nothing, they probe further - don't like tat lah... tell me your secret... er... i am really not doing anything yet! leave me alone! bug off!
but, seen positively, they are probably showing their concern lor... ya, right!
ha!
computer down!
my home desktop has been giving me a lot of problems since it got infected with an msn worm last year. and last evening, it went kapoot! argh! blue screen! that was the dreaded thing that i had feared. despite multiple tries to reboot the system, it kept giving me the blue screen. and for a moment, i feared my hard disk was corrupted and that i had totally lost my desktop (and all my data!). finally, decided to do something that pained me. i reformated my hard disk. reckoned that if i had lost the harddisk, i would have lost all my data anyway. but i was glad i managed to get it up after reinstalling the os and applications. and that was when i realized i had lost the installation disk for my wireless card. hmmm, so for the next couple of days until i get a replacement, i will have to rely on my office laptop to access the net and clear the mail... tricky cos i will be clearing leave soon!
hmmmm...
ps: luckily the data i lost was limited cos i had backed-up my data sometime late last year... whew!
ps: luckily the data i lost was limited cos i had backed-up my data sometime late last year... whew!
Monday, 15 June 2009
chest pain
just returned from cgh a&e.
experienced very bad chest pain since 8.30pm. decided to head to the hospital at about 10.30pm when the chest pain got worst. was worried it might be a heart attack. the nurse took my blood pressure - 163/94 and immediately did an ecg. bp was too high to be normal. ecg looked fine. nonetheless, i was pushed to the front of the queue to see the doctor immediately. the doctor gave me a jab straight away. told me to rest for a while, and took another ecg again, and then waited for another 3 hours before they took my blood to test for enzymes. then it was another round of ecg test. took me a total of close to 6hours to complete all the tests! thank goodness, the doctor said it was not a heart attack. he gave me some painkillers and discharged me.
argh... so tired now. better catch my sleep. gotta be up and heading to work in about 1.5hrs time!
experienced very bad chest pain since 8.30pm. decided to head to the hospital at about 10.30pm when the chest pain got worst. was worried it might be a heart attack. the nurse took my blood pressure - 163/94 and immediately did an ecg. bp was too high to be normal. ecg looked fine. nonetheless, i was pushed to the front of the queue to see the doctor immediately. the doctor gave me a jab straight away. told me to rest for a while, and took another ecg again, and then waited for another 3 hours before they took my blood to test for enzymes. then it was another round of ecg test. took me a total of close to 6hours to complete all the tests! thank goodness, the doctor said it was not a heart attack. he gave me some painkillers and discharged me.
argh... so tired now. better catch my sleep. gotta be up and heading to work in about 1.5hrs time!
Sunday, 14 June 2009
`pang sim'
i visited my cousin today at the hospital. for someone who has 2-3 months more to live and has been listed under the dangerously ill list, i thought she looked very well. although she could not breath properly, we managed to talk for a good 45min. it was kinda interesting for me to sit down to talk to her on a one-to-one basis. as a young boy, i would see her as an adult. she's after all, more than a decade older than me. and as kids, we don't talk to adults.
we had not kept in contact since i last saw her when my aunt (her mum) passed away close to 2 decades ago. but since her diagnosis of her cancer couple of months back, i had made the effort to visit her, speak with her on the phone and monitored her well-being. the kinship is still there after all these years. and today, our conversation was a very reflective one. one that brought us back to our past. she reminisced about the times when she stayed with my family in marine parade. that was in the mid-70s, how our families would pack our picnic baskets and head to the beach for our family outings, how we would pick sea shells, dig for clams, pry for oysters, catch krills etc... and how we would bring our catch back home to cook, to make oyster omelet, and so on.
those were the my young carefree childhood days. and she was a small part of it. now, i see her looking tired and wasted in bed. hooked up onto the oxygen tube. waiting for her time. and i was acutely aware of her condition. nonetheless, i tried to obliquely talk about death and how we should not fear it and how we should not worry too much. and that if we are able to `pang sim' (not to worry too much) and focus on the positive energy, i believe life (and death) would be easier to manage. it would certainly be less stressful. but whether it helps in healing i don't know. but for sure, it will help us manage ourselves better.
talking about death to someone who is dying is a very difficult thing. one will face internal tensions within oneself. how far to say? where is the limit? how not to come across as insensitive? these are questions that went through my mind as i broach the topic. but i was glad i was able to do it. and i could see she is at peace with herself. and i reminded her that as buddhists, we should embrace death, sickness, old age as much as we had embraced birth. she agreed. when i left the place, i knew it was futile and not logical for me to wish her speedy recovery. instead, i asked her to `pang sim' again, don't think too much and take care of herself.
we had not kept in contact since i last saw her when my aunt (her mum) passed away close to 2 decades ago. but since her diagnosis of her cancer couple of months back, i had made the effort to visit her, speak with her on the phone and monitored her well-being. the kinship is still there after all these years. and today, our conversation was a very reflective one. one that brought us back to our past. she reminisced about the times when she stayed with my family in marine parade. that was in the mid-70s, how our families would pack our picnic baskets and head to the beach for our family outings, how we would pick sea shells, dig for clams, pry for oysters, catch krills etc... and how we would bring our catch back home to cook, to make oyster omelet, and so on.
those were the my young carefree childhood days. and she was a small part of it. now, i see her looking tired and wasted in bed. hooked up onto the oxygen tube. waiting for her time. and i was acutely aware of her condition. nonetheless, i tried to obliquely talk about death and how we should not fear it and how we should not worry too much. and that if we are able to `pang sim' (not to worry too much) and focus on the positive energy, i believe life (and death) would be easier to manage. it would certainly be less stressful. but whether it helps in healing i don't know. but for sure, it will help us manage ourselves better.
talking about death to someone who is dying is a very difficult thing. one will face internal tensions within oneself. how far to say? where is the limit? how not to come across as insensitive? these are questions that went through my mind as i broach the topic. but i was glad i was able to do it. and i could see she is at peace with herself. and i reminded her that as buddhists, we should embrace death, sickness, old age as much as we had embraced birth. she agreed. when i left the place, i knew it was futile and not logical for me to wish her speedy recovery. instead, i asked her to `pang sim' again, don't think too much and take care of herself.
fort road
there is something about the scenes and the lines in this short clip that connects with me. and i think it probably connects with lots of other singaporean gay men too, judging by the reported turn out when it was screened recently at the picturehouse. for me, perhaps it is the last parts about who should i blame... questions that i'd ask so frequently long time back. and which i believe are common questions of many gay men still. i no longer ask these questions so frequently now. for that matter, i try to stop asking them altogether. instead, i'd just adopt a `screw-the-society' attitude and ask - how can i make my life as meaningful as it can for myself. no one out there owes me a living. only i myself can make my life worth my own living.
self-pity will never help.
ps: doesn't it also remind you of the air supply song... looking for love in all the wrong places...
cancer
feeling sad. my cousin will very soon succumb to cancer... now in dangerously ill list. told to see her as often and as soon as we can. prognosis 2-3 months if she respond to chemotherapy.
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