backache

aiyoh... it's been a week, yet my backache has not recover... got it after long distance driving in australia. and it's been hurting since. and today, i sprained it again. hmmm, think i should pay the chinese sinseh a visit!

hmmmph!

neck exercise

got this from my sis. damned lame, but it works alright! just make sure your keep your body straight when you read...

:-)

bicentennial tree

the bicentennial tree is one of the few trees where watchers would climb up to look out for forest fires in southern australia. the azimuth of the fire sighted from the tree would be used to triangulate with the readings of that sighted at other trees (such as gloucester tree, diamond tree) so that the exact location of the forest fire could be pinpointed and where fire fighters could be despatched.

wave rock

it was superbly windy @ the wave rock. and of cos, not to mention - very cold too! but we loved every minute of it! it starting drizzling when we climbed to the top of the wave rock. but it was all worth it, the view of the whole surrounding area was really awesome!

:-)

scones @ porongurup

drove around the area and chanced upon this quaint little cafe by the road at porongurup.

decided to drop in for some sweet stuff. and it there that we tasted the most tasty scone in our lives. for that matter, bee said the scones was the highlight of all the meals he had in western australia! and yes, the homemade apricot jam was simply heavenly!

albany wind farm

these were taken at the albany wind farm. our second trip there. we never get tired of the blueness of the sky. so beautiful! and the air up there was so cooling! simply wonderful!

mt clarence

this was the sculpture at the top of mount clarence. installed in remembrance of servicemen from albany who participated in world war 1. against the blue sky, it looked extra grand! at night, it was litted green and certainly looked very eerie...

:-)

cape leeuwin

if i don't recall wrongly, this is the lighthouse that helps ships navigate as they enter the southern australian waters from the indian ocean. we reached there about 4.15pm. not enough time to catch the last guided tour of the lighthouse. then again, it looked impressive, even from afar.

rainbow

we were on our way back to perth after pinnacles and there was a slight drizzle. and we managed to capture this image of a rainbow in front of us. and at one stage, the rainbow literally ended directly in front of my car! simply stunning! but, well... there was no pot of gold there!

:-)

pinnacles

this is a panoramic 360 degrees view of the pinnacles... nice and beautiful place. and depending on the angle of shoot, the photo might just look that the surface of planet mars!

loss items

i must comment the changi airport for their integrity and customer service. you see, i managed to retrieve a piece of lost `luggage' after reporting it's lost two days earlier. the story goes this way...

we reached the airport at 9plus in the evening 7 jul and happily walked towards the immigration counter. we were told we had to fill in the health form as mandated by ministry of health due to the spread of h1n1. and all too soon, we hopped onto the cab for home. in the cab, we realized that we were short of one piece of hand luggage... bee had left a plastic bag (those ntuc kind that makes a lot of noise) containing all our candies (and my jacket and a storybook) behind at the immigration counter area. when i reached home, i called the airport and made a lost report. and yesterday, i called up to check and was pleasantly surprised that the bag had been found.

:-)

back!

we are back!!! the following was our itinerary...

30 jun (1n) - arr perth
>> perth city

1 jul (2n) - dep perth
>> pinnacles (cervantes)
>> cervantes (cervantes)
>> emu downs wind farm
>> back to perth

2 jul (3n) - dep perth
>> busselton jetty (busselton)
>> margaret river (margaret river)
>> mammoth cave (margaret river)
>> cape leeuwin lighthouse (augusta)
>> arrive pemberton

3 jul (4n) - dep pemberton
>> karri forest explorer drive (pemberton)
- the cascades
- bicentennial tree
- big brook dam
- gloucester tree
>> manjimup (manjimup)
>> back to pemberton

4 jul (5n) - dep pemberton
>> walpole (walpole)
>> valley of giants
>> denmark (denmark)
>> arrive albany
>> mount clarence (albany)
>> emu point (albany)

5 jul (6n) - dep albany
>> wind farm (albany)
>> the gap (torndirrup national park) (albany)
>> porongurup
>> back to albany

6 jul (7n) - dep albany
>> wave rock (hyden)
>> corrigin town (corrigin)
>> corrigin dog cemetery (corrigin)
>> york historic town (york)
>> arrive perth

7 jul - dep perth
>> fremantle (fremantle)
>> aquarium of western australia (joondalup)
>> dep perth
>> arrive sg

total distance traveled was 2513km. tiring. but refreshing.
so glad to be home!

:-)

thoughts abt traveling

just done with my packing and the following are some things that i am bringing for the first time in my life for a holiday!

• a thermometer for daily temperature checks.

• masks to wear as a prevention from contracting h1n1 (come to think of it, they might probably be more fearful about getting the bug from us than us them!).

also, the following went thru my mind as i pack...

• will i get awkward stares when i wear mask during flight?

• should i take 2 panadol tablets before i fly so that if (touchwood), if, and really if, i have a fever, it would be suppressed?

• will i get thru immigration checks faster if we were to wear our masks? hmmm... or perhaps, they will demand that we take off our mask to verify that we are not terrorists! or hmmm, should i give a slight cough here and there... hmmm, better not! might just end up being quarantined!
  

• is 1 mask per day sufficient?

• should i err on the safe side and pack more winter wear (brrr, i know i have the tendency to overpack!)?

hmmm... well, let's just hope for the best. the one single thing i am most fearful about is to get quarantined in an australian hospital after touching down!

touchwood! touchwood! touchwood!

:-)

sapphie's a dog

went back to the boarding house again to leave instructions for sapphie to be allowed to be taken out for walks by james (my ex), steven (a good friend of ours) and my sis. they have all agreed to take her out for walks whenever they can. when i reach there, sapphie jumped and jumped and whimpered none stop. it was as though i had left her for a long long time. hmmm, perhaps. to a dog, it's 7 times human time. spent some time with her and managed to quieten her down a little.

when i left, again she barked non-stop. and it was a bark that i have not heard before in my life. her barks have always sounded... erm, very sapphie, very domesticated. but today, she sounded different. she sounded wild. she sounded afraid. i cannot find correct words to describe it. it was just... different. she continued barking even after i was out of sight. and i could still hear her when i walk out to the administration block.

i left with a heavy heart.

and i think i know better now how parents felt when they sent their sons off for their national service. perhaps... perhaps...

...

crying dog

had just sent sapphie to the boarding house.

she was prancing around when i brought her out of the house. she looked so happy. perhaps she was thinking i was going to bring her to play. at the boarding house, she was led to a small enclosure. she resisted going in for a short while and i had to prod her along. the indian worker locked the door and i walked out to do the necessary administration and paperwork.

before leaving, i went back to say goodbye to her. when she saw me from afar she was jumping high and low. and when i stroked her from outside the door, she whimpered none stop. it was so heartbreaking. i felt like crying.

sobs...

pre-holiday prep

hmmm, let's see...

• plan itinerary - checked
• purchase package - checked
• get vaccinated - checked
• check travel documents - checked
• get face mask - checked
• top-up toiletries - checked
• check out boarding house - checked
• do laundry - checked
• change fish tank water - checked
• put plant in balcony and with excess water - checked
• stop newspaper subscription temporarily - checked
• walk the dog - checked
• sent dog to boarding house
• clean the house
• pack... la la la la la...

... lot's more to do before bee and i leave for our trip early tomorrow morning. and i'll be sending sapphie to the boarding house in a while. it's so sad to think of her being alone in the boarding house. she'll be so lonely. come to think of it, even when i leave my house, i'd switch on the tv or radio for her... but for the next week and a half she'll be alone in that little dog enclosure. no tv. no radio. nothing... think i'll better pack along a used t-shirt her when she goes to the boarding house later! having a dog is like having a baby. the only thing is that you cannot bring along the dog for holiday (unless you are ok with the 1-month quarantine period after the trip)!

argh!

sapphie 2009

this is an updated picture of my doggie sapphie after her bath. june 09. age 9 1/2 years old.

:-)

michael

when someone as iconic as michael jackson dies, he brings a part of you along with him.

rest in peace mj.

:-(

suck thumb

when malaysia says "mas selamat was arrested under the internal security act (isa) as he is deemed a threat to the country... mas selamat’s isa detention would ensure that his activities and contacts with other militant groups in asia could be contained." what they meant was "singapore cannot ensure the containment of msk and his militant group." period.

ha ha... simple politics language. what's unsaid is louder than what's said. and it was so obvious. first they say, oh ok, we'll hand over msk to you, then their prime minister comes over, reiterate that they'll hand over once their investigation is over. and then the next thing you know, they say they'll keep him for 2 years... and all singapore could do was - suck thumb, sit and say - "we understand." heh heh... i mean, what else can singapore say rite?

:-)

log in

i think i've been a little stressed up lately unknowingly. i find myself getting a little agitated with small things these few days - be it over finances, friends' behaviour, whatever. and i'd do silly things without even realizing it.

just 5 minutes ago, after switching on my computer, i wanted to login to one of my usual webpages. at the login page, i was prompted to key in my user id and password. i typed "login" in the box for user id and i stared at the screen and waited for the page to load. it took me a couple of seconds to realize what i did! and a few seconds for such a silly thing is a looooooooong time!

heh heh...

:-)

meetings

i've been attending my cousins' wake these couple of days and each day, i get to meet and catch up with lots of relatives. mostly from my generation. those of my parents' generation are either too sickly or have left us. and i can say we find the catching up very fun. it certainly felt very good to talk about our parents, their experiences, our old kampong days, how we had fun, how we played, how we lived life back then. and of course, we would also laugh at each other now and joked about how we have all grown old and fat and la la la...

reflecting, it's rather sad that relatives and friends tend to meet only when someone in the family (1) marries (2) gives birth (3) celebrates his/ her birthdays (4) passes away. and whenever they meet, they would speak of their past and then lament that they should meet more often... and all too soon, they take their leave. and then they would meet again during the next marriage, birthday or funeral wake... and yet again, they would reminisce and lament. and the cycle repeats. and each time they meet, they realize their contemporaries get older and older, and the number of people gets lesser and lesser... and all too soon, they themselves become the object of the meeting...

hmmmm...

final goodbye

death is a frequent visitor these days. and today, he called again. this time, he took my cousin away. she passed away due to cancer this afternoon at 2.01pm. but i am consoled by the fact that she passed away peacefully. may she rest in peace.

feeling sad.

h1n1

it's been quite a couple of weeks and the number of cases continue to rise. local transmission has become a fact. the ministry has also announced that if the local transmission continues to increase, the strategy would become one that treats affected sickly patients in hospitals, home quarantine for those who has been exposed and so on...

but think about this, when will this end? technically speaking, the flu is gonna be a long term thing. for now, it is about slowing its' spread. it is not about stopping it. and so in time to come, particularly with the northern hemisphere winter coming, we can expect the flu pandemic to get worst. and as a devil advocate here, i wonder - will it be just easier for everyone to get infected while it is still mild and get ourselves immune to it? and if one were to argue that what we are doing now is preparing for the superflu to come, have we not already had sufficient rehearsal? hmmm, am not in the full know of such medical stuff, but all i can see is a pandemic that is here to stay. for very very long...

:-(

father's day

today is father's day. and it is my first father's day without a father. feels a bit off. kinda weird, indescribable. it's funny how one takes for granted such days and misses a person only when he is not around. well, of cos i miss him quite a bit often but the feeling is a bit more pronounced today.

anyway, happy father's dad pa...

wherever you are.

routines

routines - our lives revolve around routines. hourly routines, daily routines, weekly routines, etc... and i supposed routines keep us sane. it makes things predictable. it gives a sense of security. but of course the flip side to it is that it could possibly make things boring...

ok, just rambling... empty reflections after my housework - weekend routines.

:-)

miu - willie, derek

had lunch with willie and derek yesterday. it was good to be able to catch up with them finally. i guess it is our past and our common experiences in the organisation that had brought us and bounded together.

i had known derek since late '90s, and willie since 2001. and subsequently, through derek, i got to know darius and soon the group expanded to include roger and simon. and at a particular dinner at park mall one day, the 6 joked about calling ourselves `miu'. in a way, miu was a loosely organised group that agreed to keep in touch and to help each other in times of need. and in a sort of way, we were a closed support group. time passed, we continue meeting up, interacted, socialised, bitched about work and what have yous. and at times, one or two of us would want to push the boundary and wanted to have something more organised - an expanded support group that reaches out to the wider community in our organisation, a network that covers across organisations in the country, etc etc etc. it sounded good and was very ambitious. but then again, we decided against it for we knew at that time that it was probably not very appropriate (be it from the organisation angle or to the discomfort of some individuals amongst us). and so we dropped the idea. anyway, shall not talk too much about miu here. back to my lunch.

the lunch was good. excellent food. and the company was even better. the conversation revolved around catching up on each others' life since we last met, our past, and of course our present - how things have changed, new partners, new developments at work, new personal challenges, and so on. and all too soon, it was time to part.

as i drove off with derek, i reflected how we have all had different experiences in our personal lives through these years. as individuals, we have all `grown up' since our early out-of-closet days, how we each had our cruising days, tested the ways of relationships, matured and in our own ways, eventually found balance and self-confidence in our own lives. and at the workplace, struggled with our organisation-self tensions and move on. and so far, all have left the organisation. i will join their ranks very soon.

personally, i have a slightly different special affinity and depth of relationship for each one of them. and i believe we each have different affinities to each others. also, we have this unsaid rule to respect each others' space and accept each other. and i believed this kept us going. we have seen each other through quite a bit of things and despite the ups and downs over the years, we have kept in touch and our friendship has remained strong. these days, we do not catch up with one another as frequently. and so, to keep pace with their lives, i'd follow their blogs, their facebook as well as the occasional msn status updates. and i would drop a note or two to them when and if i sense they may need some encouragement or support.

i am very happy to them as my friends.

:-)

close shave

was on the way to dinner along the ecp this evening. was driving on the outermost lane (lane 1). and then the motor bike diagonally left in front of my car lost control and buang (skidded)! the biker flew off the bike, fell on lane 2 (my left lane) while his bike crashed right into my lane.

it all happened within a split of a second. the every god damned car around me screeched to a halt. i was totally stunt! jammed my brake. but i had to make sure i control my e-brake such that i don't run over his bike, and yet not too sudden such that the car behind me crash into me. my car stopped beautifully. the car behind me came to a halt millimeters from my rear bumper...

for that moment, the biker looked dead. he was motionless. and just as we were all coming to our senses, the biker moved. the driver behind came out of his car, rush to the biker and helped him up. by which time, bee and i also came out of our car and tried to see what we could do to help. the biker was in pain. but he got up, limped his way to his bike and pushed it to the side. he apologized to me and asked if he has damaged my car. no, i told him. my car was ok. but he looked bad and in pain. i called for an ambulance instead. some minutes later, he asked me to call off the ambulance to which i did.

just then, a recovery vehicle drove up. the drivers and his assistant got down, rushed to my car and started to note my car plate. the assistant went up to the biker and asked if he wanted to book an ambulance. he sounded so insistent, the biker couldn't refuse. but frankly, i think the biker was still in a semi state of shock. i went up to the driver, and told him i did not cause the accident. he looked at me suspiciously. walked up to the biker and asked rather rudely whether he wanted to make a police report and whether i had really not hit him. damned it. i was rather pissed off by this recovery man. the biker again apologized to me. he pushed his bike further into the median and asked to please go ahead. i got into my car, gave the recovery men my bitchy look and drove off. of cos, as i drove pass the biker, i asked him to take care.

what an evening!

negative

whew! i got my hiv-test results today. negative.

you see, as part of the departure from my organisation i had to undergo a series of tests and checks. these include medical and dental certification - the tests include blood test, urine test, blood pressure & pulse rate checks. had my blood taken on monday and today i went back to undergo the rest of the test as well as to get my blood test results. it was one helluva apprehensive feeling for me. my last test was 1999. and that test was administered by my doctor friend. as he was my friend, i felt more assured. this time round, ten years had passed. ten years. ten long years. despite having not been engaged in anything risky, i cannot but felt apprehensive when i went to have my blood taken. what if there had been mistakes like cuts or injuries that i did not know of? there could be that one in a million chance right? time has the effect of making one lose his confidence. i felt so resigned to it.

last night, i did not sleep well.

when i went back for the results and other checks today, my heart felt like it could burst out of my chest. and this created quite a bit of difficulty for the medics. you see, they had to take my blood pressure and my pulse rate first. and as they were doing that, the medic shouted out that they could not find my blood test results (oh no! what if i was positive? - it rang through my mind) and i got kancheong, and as a result, my pulse registered more than 120! and my blood pressure shot up very high... they did a second try and again it was very high. i told them i had just rushed to the medical center and that could have caused the high readings. so i was asked to rest. and in that 30 seconds, the medical staff found my results. i asked for the results and he told me it was negative. magic word! i took the blood pressure and pulse rate again. this time round the pressure registered the normal range. altho the pulse rate was still a little high, the medic said it was ok. there was a trend of dropping rate since the first reading...

ha ha...

and after being certified fit and negative, i began to understand why people would start calling and telling their friends they are negative. it felt so good. it felt like you have been given another chance at life. and that you just want to scream out loud about it!

and yes, i also got the confirmation that i did not have diabetes (urine test shows no abnormal indicators), my bmi slightly high but no cause for concern, and that my blood pressure is in the normal range.

:-)

closing shop

most people think that when one leaves his organisation, it would be freedom and that the process of leaving is easy - pack up and go. actually, i can say this - it can actually be rather stressful. let me elaborate:

firstly, when you reach the tail end of your time, people will assume you are very free. then they will try to give you stuff to do. that is the very first stress i face. but well, i think i have managed that ok.

secondly, when you start to clear leave on and off, and still go back office sometime, people will start to ask - how come you are back huh? thought you away? and then when they know you are around, they start coming to you for all sorts of things - eg ... errr, since you around, can i asked for you to go around and ensure that those people taking over stuff from you are all aware of what they are suppose to do? hmmm... now, i have briefed all and i have even let them copy over my hard disk... so, if they still cannot do, i can't help lo... errr, you know lah, people will never remember even after you brief them one or let them copy your hard disk. maybe you can check again... huh?!? wtf!

thirdly, you get people texting you when you are on leave asking if you can come back to clear work. ultimate! er... sorry, i am not free. got plans liao! hmmph!

fourthly, you get people coming up to you and reminding you to complete whatever you have been tasked and asking you to update them about how much you have done. hmmph again! wtf! hey! i am responsible person and you should just leave me alone and let me finish what i am supposed to finished! argh!!!

lastly, you keep getting people coming up to you and asking you what you will be doing next. and when you tell them you have nothing, they probe further - don't like tat lah... tell me your secret... er... i am really not doing anything yet! leave me alone! bug off!

but, seen positively, they are probably showing their concern lor... ya, right!

ha!

computer down!

my home desktop has been giving me a lot of problems since it got infected with an msn worm last year. and last evening, it went kapoot! argh! blue screen! that was the dreaded thing that i had feared. despite multiple tries to reboot the system, it kept giving me the blue screen. and for a moment, i feared my hard disk was corrupted and that i had totally lost my desktop (and all my data!). finally, decided to do something that pained me. i reformated my hard disk. reckoned that if i had lost the harddisk, i would have lost all my data anyway. but i was glad i managed to get it up after reinstalling the os and applications. and that was when i realized i had lost the installation disk for my wireless card. hmmm, so for the next couple of days until i get a replacement, i will have to rely on my office laptop to access the net and clear the mail... tricky cos i will be clearing leave soon!

hmmmm...

ps: luckily the data i lost was limited cos i had backed-up my data sometime late last year... whew!

chest pain

just returned from cgh a&e.

experienced very bad chest pain since 8.30pm. decided to head to the hospital at about 10.30pm when the chest pain got worst. was worried it might be a heart attack. the nurse took my blood pressure - 163/94 and immediately did an ecg. bp was too high to be normal. ecg looked fine. nonetheless, i was pushed to the front of the queue to see the doctor immediately. the doctor gave me a jab straight away. told me to rest for a while, and took another ecg again, and then waited for another 3 hours before they took my blood to test for enzymes. then it was another round of ecg test. took me a total of close to 6hours to complete all the tests! thank goodness, the doctor said it was not a heart attack. he gave me some painkillers and discharged me.

argh... so tired now. better catch my sleep. gotta be up and heading to work in about 1.5hrs time!

`pang sim'

i visited my cousin today at the hospital. for someone who has 2-3 months more to live and has been listed under the dangerously ill list, i thought she looked very well. although she could not breath properly, we managed to talk for a good 45min. it was kinda interesting for me to sit down to talk to her on a one-to-one basis. as a young boy, i would see her as an adult. she's after all, more than a decade older than me. and as kids, we don't talk to adults.

we had not kept in contact since i last saw her when my aunt (her mum) passed away close to 2 decades ago. but since her diagnosis of her cancer couple of months back, i had made the effort to visit her, speak with her on the phone and monitored her well-being. the kinship is still there after all these years. and today, our conversation was a very reflective one. one that brought us back to our past. she reminisced about the times when she stayed with my family in marine parade. that was in the mid-70s, how our families would pack our picnic baskets and head to the beach for our family outings, how we would pick sea shells, dig for clams, pry for oysters, catch krills etc... and how we would bring our catch back home to cook, to make oyster omelet, and so on.

those were the my young carefree childhood days. and she was a small part of it. now, i see her looking tired and wasted in bed. hooked up onto the oxygen tube. waiting for her time. and i was acutely aware of her condition. nonetheless, i tried to obliquely talk about death and how we should not fear it and how we should not worry too much. and that if we are able to `pang sim' (not to worry too much) and focus on the positive energy, i believe life (and death) would be easier to manage. it would certainly be less stressful. but whether it helps in healing i don't know. but for sure, it will help us manage ourselves better.

talking about death to someone who is dying is a very difficult thing. one will face internal tensions within oneself. how far to say? where is the limit? how not to come across as insensitive? these are questions that went through my mind as i broach the topic. but i was glad i was able to do it. and i could see she is at peace with herself. and i reminded her that as buddhists, we should embrace death, sickness, old age as much as we had embraced birth. she agreed. when i left the place, i knew it was futile and not logical for me to wish her speedy recovery. instead, i asked her to `pang sim' again, don't think too much and take care of herself.

fort road

there is something about the scenes and the lines in this short clip that connects with me. and i think it probably connects with lots of other singaporean gay men too, judging by the reported turn out when it was screened recently at the picturehouse. for me, perhaps it is the last parts about who should i blame... questions that i'd ask so frequently long time back. and which i believe are common questions of many gay men still. i no longer ask these questions so frequently now. for that matter, i try to stop asking them altogether. instead, i'd just adopt a `screw-the-society' attitude and ask - how can i make my life as meaningful as it can for myself. no one out there owes me a living. only i myself can make my life worth my own living.

self-pity will never help.

ps: doesn't it also remind you of the air supply song... looking for love in all the wrong places...

cancer

feeling sad. my cousin will very soon succumb to cancer... now in dangerously ill list. told to see her as often and as soon as we can. prognosis 2-3 months if she respond to chemotherapy.

black-grey-white

straight man
is a man (yes), behaves manly (yes), likes man (no), likes woman (yes)
is a man (yes), behaves manly (no), likes man (no), likes woman (yes)
bisexual man
is a man (yes), behaves manly (yes), likes man (yes), likes woman (yes)
is a man (yes), behaves manly (no), likes man (yes), likes woman (yes)
gay man
is a man (yes), behaves manly (yes), likes man (yes), likes woman (no)
is a man (yes), behaves manly (no), likes man (yes), likes woman (no)
asexual man
is a man (yes), behaves manly (yes), likes man (no), likes woman (no)
is a man (yes), behaves manly (no), likes man (no), likes woman (no)
asexual woman
is a man (no), behaves manly (yes), likes man (no), likes woman (no)
is a man (no), behaves manly (no), likes man (no), likes woman (no)
gay woman
is a man (no), behaves manly (yes), likes man (no), likes woman (yes)
is a man (no), behaves manly (no), likes man (no), likes woman (yes)
bisexual woman
is a man (no), behaves manly (yes), likes man (yes), likes woman (yes)
is a man (no), behaves manly (no), likes man (yes), likes woman (yes)
straight woman
is a man (no), behaves manly (yes), likes man (yes), likes woman (no)
is a man (no), behaves manly (no), likes man (yes), likes woman (no)

just 4 factors... and we have 16 permutations. imagine the permutations of greys if we include other factors such as dress, talk, think, sexual organs (possess one or both), la la la... and of cos there is another totally 100% set of permutations possible when we include the perspective of `perceived as'. this is indeed a very grey world! or rather, this is a very colourful world. yet the rules defined so clearly in the monotones of the two extreme characteristics of those in the first and last line... sad!

coming out, growing up

what coming out is to me
i came out in 1996. aug 1996 to be exact. but really, what is coming out? to some people (or most people i know), it is about telling the whole world you are gay. but for me, coming out is about self acceptance. it is about accepting one's own sexuality. accepting that one needs to take control of his / her life as a gay person and no longer needs to hide oneself behind a veil of denial. it does not need to mean announcing to people out there that one is gay. and by this definition, one can come out and yet not openly announce to the world about his/ her sexuality. it's rather interesting that as i type this, i recall one particular incident whereby i was chided by dominic (my ex's best friend) for not being open about my sexuality despite telling him i have come out. to him, it is people like me who does great injustice to gays for not standing up and fighting for our rights!... thinking back, i think he was totally confused between coming out and being an activist. i can be gay and yet not be an activist... hmmm, ok, back to my topic. decided to name this entry `coming out, growing up' in contrast to my previous `growing up, coming out'. i want to write about my life as a gay man after coming out. i want to write about my views about being gay and growing up as a gay man after coming out.

the second birth
as mentioned, i came out in 1996. that, i would term - my second birth. that was the year i was reborn. i had, prior to that, spent a large amount of time denying my own sexuality and convincing myself about my `straightness'. my coming out process was traumatic yet it happened so naturally. i was literally smittened by someone i met at the beach. it was infatuation to the highest degree. i did things i had never done before. i introduced myself using my real name (yup, using pseudonyms are common in the gay circle). i gave him my pager number (yes, those were the days). he literally dragged me out of my closet. he invited me out for dinner with his friends. he told his friends about what i did for a living (i was a regular army officer), what my hobbies were, where i lived,... literally everything about me. truthfully. yup, i was so so inside my closet that i had an alternative identity that i'd use to unknown gay men. men whom i had anonymous sex with. encounters and acts that satisfy my sexual needs ("hunger" or "lust" would probably be more appropriate actually... lol!) yet hiding my own sexuality. it was an intense period of nothing but just sex, sex, sex and more sex. but it felt empty, physically very satisfying but totally empty at the emotional-level. it was self-destructive to a certain extend. until this person came along. chong.

weeks passed after knowing chong and being introduced as the real me to his friends. when things did not fall apart after telling gaymen about myself, i began to realize that i had all along been living in a make belief world. a world that i had imagined to be so so bad that it would destroy me, destroy my family, destroy everything that i had known for my last 30 years. that i was still who i was, told me that hey, it was time for me to start accepting myself. but things did not work out between chong and i. it was one-sided from the start. it was a difficult period and my life was punctuated by suicide attempts. i lost more than 10% of my body weight. my body was at the point of breaking down. i had gone in and out of depression. i kept pestering chong to consider a relationship. i ended up monitoring his every moves, well, not to the extend of stalking him. then it happened. chong gave me the cold turkey treatment. he disappeared altogether. that was when i had no choice but to slowly creep out of my hole. heading back into the closet was no longer an option. i had been "exposed" or rather, i had learned to accept myself as a gay person. i had come out. and so, i started to pull myself together. that was when i decided that if there was anyone who could help me was myself. that was my difficult birth as a gay person. that process took me about 3-4 months.

1997, i attended a one-year course in safti. my first couple of months was a total screw up. it cost me my top 10% eventually. but it didn't matter to me. i was too consumed about my life and my growing up as a gay person. i was like a sponge, learning about how things are like as a gay person. and i continued my frequent visits to popular haunts where gaymen would hang out. fort road, katong park, flyovers, tanjong pagar, club street etc. and i had my first experience of the poppers. so, yes… the years after coming out was intense. lots of learning, lots of experimenting, lots of experiencing.

growing up, relationships
after coming out, what were my initial thoughts about gay relationships? my first gay `relationship' with another man was with my classmate during my uni days. and i placed the word relationship in parenthesis becos i had not come out then. it was something that was very sexual and very intense. but interestingly, given the fact that we both deny our homosexuality (or for him, bisexuality), we continuously convinced ourselves that what we did was `just a phase' in life and that we were `normal' (defined in terms of being able to have sex with woman - ie heterosexual). it was weird. but when he wanted more and to become a couple `officially', i freaked out. i started ignoring him. that was how i manage relationship realities. i'd run away. it hurt him lots. we stopped talking and it was not till early 2003/4 (after more than 18 years) that we spoke again.

anyway, back to the topic of relationships after coming out. as a young gay man, i totally did not believe that lasting gay relationships was possible. from what i saw amongst my friends, gay men getting together would break after a short span of time. for some, days, for some, weeks and for some, months. and amongst some of my friends, anything more than a couple of months would be considered a record and to be celebrated. and becos of that, i did not even bother to try. encounters with men tend to be more of `on a friend' basis. but as time pass and i got my comfortable with my gay-self, i wanted more. i started to want a relationship. but people i liked did not like me and people i did not think i could have a relationship with fell head over heels over me. that was where i hurt people i really cared for. was in a situation where i wanted relationships yet felt jaded. i shan't mention their names here for i don't think it is fair to divulge such details publicly without asking them. but suffice to say that of these few, there are some that i still keep in very close contact with and where we would still wish each other happy anniversaries to commemorate out friendship. and there were also some whom i would totally like to just ignore for they hurt me double bad. also, there were people who made use of me. there was this person who made me buy holidays for him, get their projects at work done and then turn around and accused me of stalking them once their projects were done. and of cos there were those whom i dated, and whom i had rather intense feelings for and then suddenly disappeared, etc... and it was these people who made me more and more jaded. thinking back, i realized that the people that had crossed my life and had given my so much pains (and joys of cos) were also trying very hard to manage their own sexuality. there was nothing rite or wrong about it. it just happened. until 1999.

amos came along. that was 28 feb 1999. met him after my run, and he after his gym at the national stadium gym. the feelings were mutual. and we hit it off very well from the very start. but things did not last becos he kept harping on the fact that his kidney pains and all sorts of other pains becos god (yes, he was a christian) was punishing him for being gay. and in the end, he told me he had to let me go and be a good christian. we ended our courtship on 18 may 1999. hmmm, he tried to come back to me 5 months later, but i was with james already by then. and the last time i saw him on the streets, i thought he was real campy! well, that would be another story. and it was two weeks later that i decided to get together with james. the rest was history. and today, i stand corrected. lasting gay relationships is possible. i have come across many many examples as my circle of gay friends expand over the years. for that matter, my cousin had been with his partner for more than 20 years!

growing up, gay sex
after coming out, what were my thoughts about gay sex? well, for sex specifically, i was aware of the reproductive aspects of it as well as how it can be enjoyed by people. nonetheless, the topic of sex was considered very private and taboo and thus, it was hardly spoken of amongst people. and to me back then, the only sex act possible was the act of intercourse between a man and a woman. ya, thinking back, i could only say, i was really naive and stupid. but i did not have any reference or anybody to talk to. and the only information i could find about sex then was from straight porn. porn magazines circulated by my secondary schools class girls! so, you can imagine how confused i was to find it so natural and be able to enjoy sex with men when i was in sec 2. my experiences was nothing more than mutual masturbation. and the first time i saw a man being penetrated by another, i freaked out. i even had nightmare that very night. in my dream, the scene replayed itself and the policemen came and arrested everyone in my dream! i woke up in cold sweat.

over the years, as i visited different places overseas, with the spread of internet and information, i began to learn that the rules of sex amongst gay men are very much different from that of heterosexuals. and for that matter, i learned that sex amongst straight people can be as varied as one could possibly imagine. and my attitude towards what many conservatives would consider perverse began to change. i began to see many of these acts as personal choices of people in their bedroom. sadomasochism, leather, rubber, latex, underwears, and so on. just name it. i had previously thought people engaging in such acts as lowly creatures and ought to be avoided and despised. the common branding of these people in the main media did not help. but i have since broken away from such mindsets. who am i to decide what works or what does not work for them. how they live their private lives has nothing to do with me much as i expect people to not decide how i live my own life. and for that matter, over time, i have slowly come to accept and even tried some of them out of curiosity of it but decided that these are not for me.

but of course, i have my limits, sex must be consensual and should not involve acts against the wishes of the individuals, sex with children (paedophilia) remains a no no thing. same goes for sex with animals (bestialism), sex with carcasses (necrophilia) and so on. these are still no no for me. it will never be. it goes beyond logic of natural behaviour.

growing up, self-love
but what i felt was the one most single important thing about coming out and accepting oneself as gay is - self-love. too often we have given in to pressure, been wired to believe there is only one norm - straight conservative norms - and tried to live out our lives according these so called `social norms'. and where we did not fit in, we end up with self-doubt, self-blame, low self-esteem, no or low self-confidence and so on... or worst still, despising ourselves and at times inflicting pains on ourselves. it can be very destructive. and that was why i believe many older generation gay men ended up in mental hospitals. it is not because of their being gay, it was because of the pressures that society had placed onto these people to conform that made them this way. i think i am lucky to be able to live in this age where things are generally more accepting and where information and social support is increasingly available. of cos, things are still not ideal and there are still a lot of wrong perceptions and discrimination against gay men. but i certainly believe it is moving in the right direction. personally, my coming out to myself is one of the most important thing that i have done in my life. if i have the chance to live my life all over again, i'd probably come out earlier. then again, there is no point looking back. life's like that, when one looks back and sulk too often, one will fail to appreciate and shape his present and in time to come, he will regret again.

think i have written quite a fair bit. i have chosen to focus on myself. not my family, not my friends, not my work as in my previous post. ok, will stop here.

eating with hands

yesterday, schneider bought dinner for bee bee and i. we decided to try out the peranakan (straits-born chinese) restaurant near his workplace. and so, we headed there after his work.

nice little place. and as per lots of restaurants in singapore, i noted it was staffed by mainland chinese... really made me think about the meaning of `authenticity' of the food served. well, the place had these pictures of old singapore and we spent lots of time talking about them - national theatre, north bridge road, majestic theatre, singapore river, la la la. and of cos, the usual pictures of old baba families, tok panjang, and so on. such memories and such good conversation piece.

before we ate, i also shared how i would use my hands instead of fork and spoons when i was young and whenever i eat peranakan food (i still do the same when i eat with larry these days). eating with hands help bring out the taste if you know what i mean. and the food was served. it did not have the tip top restaurant quality / authenticity in terms of taste but it was good nonetheless. it had been a long while since i last ate peranakan food! yumz! ngoh hiang, chap chye, ikan masak assam pedas, ayam buah keluak, bakwan kepiting... for that moment i almost also wanted to order fish head curry, itek sio, kangkong belachan... but decided that it would be too much!

nice dinner, nice company. and as per always, our meals ended very very fast... gobble gobble gobble and the dinner for 3 ended in less than half hour! ha ha! promised schneider i'll bring him to one of my favourite peranakan restaurant next month. a quaint little place along frankel avenue. long time back, the waitress even wore kebaya to serve us... not anymore.

:-)

ps: and it was interesting to see pictures of ministers eating with their hands in the papers today!

sentosa

the weather has been one helluva terrible these couple of weeks. sweltering heat, high humidity, slight haze (damn it! again!) and so on. it's like constantly being in a sauna. and when you go to the swimming pool, the water is literally hot! wtf! it's like going for hydrotherapy.

then again, it presents beautiful opportunities for sun worshipers like me. cannot get enough of my vit d! time to head to the pool or to the beach for a tan! and that is exactly what i'll be doing today. will be heading to sentosa with damien and edwin for a tan cum picnic (cum as in `and' not `cum picnic' eeewwwwww)! ha ha! and i think they are both rather excited about it too. there'll be sandwiches, different flavoured tuna chunks, potato chips, peanut butter, drinks, fruits, la la la... think we'll end up gorging outselves!

ha!

:-)

my boss in sia cargo

recently i noted a couple of searches for "chong hoi peng, sia" that led people to my blog. it was interesting to note this and i half suspect people must have been so pissed off with her to want to find out more about her. well, i do not like to criticize people but certainly i had my worst working experience in my life under her. here's the story:

i worked for sia cargo from 2000 - 2001. it was a very good learning experience for me for i saw a lot of things. i left that place convinced that sia is nice and beautiful on the outside but inside, there are things that do not really augur well for the company. things that had been "encultured" and that in the long time, if not eradicated, will become a cancer tumor and that will eventually destroy the company's productivity or slow down it's growth.

for example, i see people coming to office, do nothing, sleep at their table and wait for the end of the day. these are the people who had stayed with the company for over 20 years and waiting for their 25 years so that they can get lifetime benefits. and the company managers did nothing about it. and the reason why they did not do anything about it was becos they might get into trouble with the union. also, i noticed many would spend hours chatting and talking. politicking was a prevalent and major preoccupations of many in the company. lastly, there was a lot of mind sets. the people inside had very strong mindsets and totally resistant to change/ criticisms. of cos on the bright side, i think the company was able to move due to a few very good people. people, that certainly my boss then did not belong to. i am not sure what the company is like now. but that was my experience back then.

when i joined them, there was this saying - "if you stay with sia for 5 years, you will be accepted as part of them and will likely stay with them for life". so, when i joined them, i was considered a mid-streamer, someone who had parachuted into the system. and to those in the system, i was perceived as a threat. unluckily, i guessed i was perceived as a threat by none other than my own manager. yes, she is none other than this lady called "chong hoi peng". and so i was time and again picked on and every little thing i did or did not do was scrutinized and mistakes amplified and announced publicly. it's almost like the way public shaming was done during the cultural revolution period. only that i did not need to wear a signboard announcing my `crime'. going to work on time and leaving on time was taken as an attitude problem. to me, i see it as an efficiency issue. i was still able to deliver the results, i was still able to generate the revenues needed. yet, becos i left on time, i was picked on again and again. there was never a time where i did not get any chiding or scolding when i walk into her office. even if it was going into her office to ask for advise. and i decided i had enough of her nonsense one year later when i briefed her about my road show schedule.

you see, in order to save the company money and time, i decided to do my road show in taiwan and hong kong on thur, fri and sat. fly to states via hong kong on sun and arrive in san francisco for my united states series of road shows that cover san franscisco, los angeles and new york. that means i will have one day rest in states on sunday before starting my show on monday and returning on wed. 7 days to cover 5 major cities. this to me was rather demanding given the many distributors and station managers that i had to meet and the processes that i have to audit. when i went to see her to brief her on my schedule and areas that i will cover, little did i expect to get a scolding me and her accusing me of trying to take advantage of the company's time and money for personal enjoyment. wtf! and becos of this she went on to scrutinize my itinerary hour by hour as to where i will be, who i will meet, where i will stay, when i will fly from point to point. she cannot find any fault with it. but then again, she demanded that i come back to singapore to spend my sunday before i head to states again on monday! hmmmm, no logic. penny wise but totally pound foolish. it was crazy.

i decided enough was enough. i left the company. i continued to keep in contact with my staff after i left. interestingly enough my staff shared with me that i was one of the very few who served more than a couple of months under her. in fact, my lasting for a years was the longest. and from 2001 to 2004. i understand that she had a turn over of more than 5-8 staff under her. the shortest being less than a month. and things got so back that the company president had to call her up and give her a warning about the high staff turn over.

but of cos, all said and done, she worked very hard. very thrifty and would eat sandwiches when she goes overseas in order to minimize her spending. and for that matter, chide people traveling with her when they eat anything she felt was expensive. but she is a very very lousy leader. so lousy that one could actually improve when one learn wat not to do using her as an example. the armed forces has this concept called "leadership by example". but she is the perfect example of negative demonstration where "leadership by example" is concerned. and from that perspective, i must really say i have learned a lot a lot from her. learned wat not to do, wat kills staff's motivation, wat leadership is not about... and i am very sure i have walked out of the company a very much better person.

ya it's true.

book

"a case of exploding mangoes"

this is the book i am reading now

interesting

:-)

encounters @ pool

t'was an interesting day. went to the pool to catch a tan in pm. met raymond. managed to catch up quite a bit. and then picked bee from his work place... had a quick late afternoon / early dinner. and then we decide to meet up with jeremy. introduced jeremy to bee.

they got along rather well! anyway, after dropping bee off, i decided to head to the pool for a swim before heading for home. boy, the water was literally hot! terrible. left the pool after a couple of laps and then in the showers, met tai! been a long while and didn't manage to keep in contact after i lost my phone late last year. well, it felt good to be able to chat with him. left not long after. as i walked out of the shower, i saw my cousin sitting by the pool chair in his swimming trunks. oops! freaked me out. quickly, i covered my face with my towel, pretended to wipe my ears and left hurriedly. the last thing i want was to have to speak to him. altho we are cousins, there is really nothing much that we can talk about. he's the type who likes to brag about his wealth and i find it totally difficult to talk to such people...

and as i walked out of the pool, 2 ladies walked passed me. one rather tall, the other normal height. both spoke a language that i could not understand but i guessed it was shanghainese. i didn't bother and made my way to the car. next thing i knew, my cousin walked out with one of the shanghainese lady! argh!!! and to make things worst, the car parked beside mine was my cousins'! and so, before he even saw me, i jumped into my car, ducked and pretended to pick stuff up from my floor mat. i stayed in that position for a good 5min before he drove off!

whew! close shave! and from the look of their behaviour, it was obvious that the lady was my cousins' mistress! hmmm, then again, thinking of it, i was not surprised cos he had all along been bragging to us that it is very easy to get a mistress from china... only thing that made me a little sad was that his wife, my cousin-in-law is down with parkinsons and had been very weak. and that his children are just about uni going age.

sighs... let's hope we don't see drama downstream...

bad habits

i so dislike being called to go back to work when i am on off or on leave. just received an sms from a colleague asking me if i could go back to work tomorrow cos according to him my boss wants to go thru the minutes i wrote. isn't this sick?

anyway, i smsed back to tell him i will call my boss myself and clarify and he reverted to say that i need not to call my boss and that he'll settle with him instead. hmm, i sense someone trying hard to please my boss at my expense! argh! anyway, even if i call my boss, i'll still tell him i have plans whole day (which indeed i have) and that i will see him only on monday pm.

dislike such organisational culture. organisational bad habits. and it is prevalent in my set-up. always rushing. and often, rushing to wait. sheeze!

wtf!

(afternote: called my boss and managed to arrange the meeting on monday pm! just proofed my point that my colleague was trying to pull a fast one!)

break

am on off these two days. thought i'd better claim it before i run out of opportunities to claim it (due to excess leave). well, of cos, i have not reached that state of affairs yet. and it's nice to be able to take a break from work during weekdays and do nothing and just stay at home. do housework, watch tv, do laundry, sweep the floor, mop the floor, read a book, play with dog... whatever...

:-)

ps: taking off days from work used to be perceived as `bad attitude'. to do more is to be expected when one is in senior positions. that was my thinking too and i would not claim my off-in-lieus even if i work on weekends or public holidays. but today, i think it is stupid and pure rubbish! if you don't take, no one will say you have good attitude towards work. conversely, people may even think quietly that you are just plain stupid and on the wrong ball! and i think so too!

medical check

went for my routine check up again today. the doctor is a new one. recommended and referred by kl after he changed his job in apr. this one looked a little stern initially but after realizing i am a personal friend of kl, he kinda open up. anyway, i got my cholesterol medicine top up. also, made an appointment with the urologist to check why i had blood in my urine. the appointment date is in mid jul.

last minutes

completed the minutes writing today... 9 pages. and when i finished and sent it out for comments, i realized - this is the last minutes that i will be writing for my current job...

flu vaccination

had my flu vaccination earlier!

:-)

blah

this is one of those day when everything felt wrong. started with bee telling me he needs to work and cannot have breakfast. then just before i left for breakfast, i received an sms telling me that one of my ex-colleague had died. felt a little off. i just spoken to him not too long ago. a fatherly figure. sighs. left my home for breakfast. at the car park, faced a dead car - battery flat. gave up and came home. decided to do housework. whole house full of sapphie's fur (well, nothing new, but to find it all over the place after mopping the house clean yesterday was a bit much). arghhh! and when i kept the laundry, i found a totally messed up cabinet! and i had to totally drag everything out and refold all the clothes! arghhh arghhh! i just so hate messed up cabinets! shirts and shorts all mixed up. underwear from bottom pulled out and everything on top toppled, and shorts becoming unfolded... and for those clothes that need to be hung in the closet, i found the place totally messed up too! bags and bags of old clothes thrown onto the floor! arghhh arghhh arghhh!

kok came, we went to eat a quick breakfast and then me off to change the car battery. of cos the change of a new battery did lighten up things a bit. but then my mum called to chase me about sending her to temple earlier (after asking me to fetch her at 2pm)! arghhh x 4!!! rushed down to her place to pick her up. on the way, another colleague called up. had earlier asked her to help pay the pek kim. instead, she told me she won't be attending the wake. she'll be undergoing day op for a lump at her breast. possibly breast cancer. now already face totally black and damned freaking foul mood... by the time i came home, it was already 5plus... and i realized sapphie sprained her hind legs... arghhh x 5!!! and got an email from another friend telling me that he cannot go for the bangkok trip in mid jul as earlier discussed due to work. and that means, the trip is off...

i feel so tired and drained now. totally no mood to do anything. but of cos, i need to iron my work clothes before i rest for the night.

wtf!!!

changed battery

battery died twice, latest being this morning. went to the shop and asked for an assessment of my battery health. the lady came out, took some equipment, asked me to start my car, clipped the equipment onto my car battery and walked in. next thing i knew, the attendant came out with a new battery, changed it and once done, told me i could leave. no charges. battery is still under warranty.

:-)

stressful

i find being disorganised and untidy highly stressful. disorganised house, disorganised room, disorganised cabinet, la la la. apart from practical reasons of not wasting time when one needs to look for things, being organised and neat certainly yield lots of positive reasons such cleanliness, neatness, psychological calm, health & hygiene reasons and so on that one can benefit from. and of cos, it is little things we do that helps save a lot of time and reduce a lot of unnecessary stress. things like washing one's cups after drinking, putting things back to the right place after using them, etc.

battery flat

wanted to go for breakfast this morning and guess wat? - my car's battery was flat. sighs! second time in 2 weeks. happened a fortnight ago too at the bv pool car park. in the end, had to ask for a regular swimmer's help to jump start my car. anyway, thank god one of my friends stay nearby and he will be dropping by to help jump start the car. think i gotta change the battery already!

what a way to start a sunday! and to think i have to bring my mum to the temple later! hmmm, challenging! it is such things that colour our otherwise routine and at times mundane lives...

:-)