indonesia & vietnam

went on a work trip to indonesia from mon to wed this week... jakarta and bandung. good to be back in bandung cos i stayed there for one month from oct - nov 06 as part of an exchange programme. things have not changed at all... it was also good to be able to meet up with frans in jakarta for coffee.

well, next week, i will be heading to vietnam for another work trip.

kinda looking forward to it cos it'll be my first trip to vietnam... yet, am not looking forward to it cos the impression i get of that place is somewhat 3rd world and undeveloped...

wish me luck!...

we & our lesbian friends

just received this sms from a lesbian friend: "hey, we are at dempsey hill harrys, do join us if you get bored at zouk..." they must be drinking wine again i supposed.

well, my bee & i are not at zouk. rather, we are at home, just finished our face-mask evening... heh heh...

two weeks ago, drinking at a lounge in fullerton hotel, we ordered cocktail while our lesbian couple friends ordered beer...

wasn't it funny? or perhaps just natural... our lesbian friends seemed to always be engaged in some macho activities like drinking beer, drinking wine, playing f1 car racing computer games, while we gaymen engage in stuff that are more attuned to our `feminine' side... such as face masks, walking dogs, cooking, floral arrangement, house decor, gardening, etc

:-)

my blog

my blog is too serious hor?

may be as a person i am too serious.

need to loosen-up a bit...

881

i actually like the show quite a lot. i could identify with many of the getai scenes for they reminded me so much of my teenage years when i grew up in marine terrace...

881 is also one of those show where many people don't know whether to laugh or to cry at some point. well, i do not mean it in a bad sense. the reason why i said that was because there were several sad and sobby scenes, yet, in the way it was delivered, using hokkien songs, it sounded rather funny. perhaps it reflects our discomfort with the public use of the hokkien language.

whatever the case, i had an enjoyable evening.

i am a singaporean & i am gay

on this 42nd national day, i find myself, a singaporean gayman, thinking once again about how i can make singapore more accepting of singaporean gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals (glbts).

i think of how we always try to blame the society for not accepting us, how we always blame the society's non-acceptance of glbts on the government, on 377A, etc etc etc. and on reflecting, it occured to me that we (and our mindsets and mental blocks) have also contributed to this to a certain extend. if we are ever gonna go anywhere in getting singapore to accept us, we must make our moves - we must show the country the extend to which we have already been involved in contributing to our country (in all fields including society, security, military, education, economy, etc) and that we will continue to do so. and we must come out and convince people around us that we are no different from them. we must educate the society that homophobia is unfounded and that they have been flooded with misinformation.


while many point fingers at the government, or for that matter, at 377A, at any policies or even the society at large, i personally think that there's no end to it, we blame the government, government push it to the society, the society elects the government... no end to this cycle. if we are ever going to make a difference and break this cycle, it must start with us convincing them (the government and the society) that we are part of them, there's no point in starting off from a `i-you & we are at the opposite end' position. they will feel threatened, they will fight back (remember x-men? heh heh). no different from how some of us are fighting back cos we too have started off from a `you-i' perspective.

yes, there's value in organising gay-oriented activities, gay support groups, events for gay people to interact etc, my personal feel is that if we make it too high profile, there might even be a backlash and it might turn out counter-productive at this point in time.

we should also focus some of our energies to the society. and make these glbt-organised events that contribute to nation-building high profile. organise visits to old folks home, children's home, support volunteerism, support breast cancer, support keeping the environment green, fly the national flag, stand up for singapore, there are so many to think about... signal to the society that there's no `you' and `i' in the first place, there's only `we'. `we' are singaporeans and we make up the society, regardless of race, language, gender or religion.

also, it is perhaps a responsibility of every glbt individual to play a part in evolving this government-branded conservative society of ours. in coming out to the people around us, we as glbts will break their stereotyped views about us. our individual small efforts will contribute a big big way to getting eventually our society to accept us. for we exist amongst our str8 compatriots. the people around us makes up the society, the government, and everything else in between. think about it, our one small move can become such a powerful force. think about how many parents have become supporters of us after learning that their sons and daughters are glbts, think about the many glbt friends you have whose parents are politicians (ironic ya?), think about the power that we have in changing the society if we were to make the first move to open ourselves out to people around us. mobilise the people power. for the people around us make up the society. that - perhaps is the surest way to get things moving for us as a society, a society where every individual counts, for 377A to be permanently removed (important for some in our glbt community), for mindsets to change - like what dumbledore said - for the greater good ;-)

and this perhaps is the surest way we can break the cycle of government claiming that they cannot change things cos the society is conservative.

national day 2007

today is singapore's national day. my country's 42th birthday. i experienced a whole lot of different emotions when i read the straits times' national day special that focused on the theme of best friends.

firstly, i was quite amused by the many photos that show so many male-male and female-female subjects and the captions that came along with it. my gaydar was ticking away so strongly!... ooooh, there are so many gay and lesbian couples inside... there's even a male pair that has one giving his `best friend' a peck on his cheek! it was so funny that pictures with such homo-social behaviour are so openly shown with no public outcry... :-) guess the title - `best friends' - did a lot of help to take away the `gayness' of the photos... matter of perspective ya? :-)

secondly, looking at the statistics and reading the reflections about the importance of friends, it occurred to me that it is not easy for a straight person to fully appreciate a gay's concept of family. cos for many of us, our friends are our family. and thinking abt this, i couldn't help but feel victimized when i thought about how i had willed my social structures and friends (and family) away when i naively signed on the dotted lines on that fated day in may 2005.

thirdly, i felt a mixed feeling of pride of being a singaporean, yet a sense of betrayal and soreness thinking of how i had been unfairly treated by the government and the organisation i had served and still serving in for being gay... i was reminded of questions such as whether i can conduct myself professionally, whether i can be a good protector of my beloved nation, etc came flooding back. looks like i am still being haunted by that experience. it seemed like every national day, i get this mixed sense of patriotism and betrayal.

despite having watched the preview two weeks ago, when i watched the parade on tv today, i cried. again.

happy birthday singapore...

friends and social structures

bee has been away since last afternoon visiting the indon/balai local childcare center together with a community group. found myself alone suddenly and it dawned upon me that other than spending time with him, i have no other persons whom i can go out with. friends in my phone list are just that - friends. people whom i cannot talk to `just like that'.

not healthy, certainly not healthy.

i reflected on why my life has come to such a sad state of affairs. i used to have many friends. people whom i can go out with and chat away without worries, people whom i can click with. that was many years ago when i was younger.

i quickly realized that in the 7 years i had been with james, i had focused too much of my time on him. looking after him, pampering him... and given his dislike in spending time with my friends, i had, unknowingly, blocked myself out from my friends. i recalled once when his `bestest' friend - joanne - in sep 2002 (my third year) told me when i confided in her about my tensions at the car park below her parent's old flat in tampines - "hey, even tho i am his good friend, i'll still tell you this - if i were you, i'd break off with him and move on. you do not need to worry about him, he'll continue to survive without you. he has lots of friends. pse don't spoil him. as for you, pse take care of yourself." but i guess, i had, in my desire to have a lasting relationship with james, convinced myself that i can wait out my tensions for him to give me the attention i needed.

my being outed by my office in 2005 and subsequently my signing of a commitment not to visit gay places and minimise contact with gay friends did not help for it took away my social structures, structures that allowed me to survive as a member of my community. this is not unlike getting a straight person to sign a commitment not to meet or go out with his wife, children and family. perhaps signing that commitment is like endorsing a death sentence on myself. for now, i am no different from a prostitute.

but well, those are the past, no use crying over spilled milk. and looking on the bright side, while this 36hrs of absence made me appreciate my bee better, it also reminded me not to commit the same mistake as i did when i was with james. me and my bee must have our own space while we work hard to widen our circle of friends. and for myself, i need to make the effort to make friends and re-establish my own social circle. i need to find my position in my community.

again.

for only i can do it.

no one else.

coming out to new boss

i have a new boss in my school. he came in in june this year. have wondered how he will take to having me in the school. finally came out to him and spoke with him about it. shared with him all the things that i had been subjected to and the things i was made to sign. thought i should do so as his is my boss.

am happy to note that he sees me for what i can contribute and not who i go to bed with.

:-)

ndp preview

had the opportunity to attend the ndp preview yesterday. i asked the following:

• how can one possibly clear the crowd fast if you position a police officer directly in front of the metal detector & use the manual metal detector on every single person after he walks pass the metal detector? what is the purpose of the metal detector in this case? weird.

• how can one possibly sing the songs when one feels choked and overwhelmed with nationalistic pride almost through the whole show? (kudos to the committee for a good show)

• how can one possibly focus on any one aspect of the show when one is continuously overwhelmed by something happening consistently at different sides of one's view?

• what will ndp look like if there are no PLUs :-) interesting cos in almost every aspects of the whole production, i see a gay man/ woman's name being reflected... from show, to song, to score, dance, choreography, etc etc etc...

• who does the proof-reading of the ndp booklet? for i see traffic police spelt as raffic police. for a while, i thought it was a new police division that was not previously disclosed :-)

but well, it was a good experience considering it is the first time the show is being staged at marina bay. some minor hitches but i guess that is what preview is all about - a full dress rehearsal for all, including the minister himself :-)

james the gay activist

i cannot imagine james being a gay activist. he would not even want to be seen in public with me near him. no public affection, no close proximity, cannot walk too close to him... in case his students see him... well, i guess a person does change. and perhaps he has come to realise that it is his own state of mind that he has to overcome. and if this is so, perhaps he is more closeted than me in some ways? or perhaps it is influenced by dominic (still, i dislike mentioning this name in my blog).

then again, it does not matter. as long as he is happy, i will be happy. at least he is doing something he believes in and he enjoys doing it.

and yes, at times i do miss him.

still.

377A

will the removal of 377A change anything if the local populace remain conservative? 377A - is it another case of keeping it as a symbol to show that the greater populace is still conservative? and in keeping 377A, does it not reflect negatively the intolerance of the general populace? which is more detrimental? i guess it depends on which side one is looking from. and perhaps, it is not the presence of 377A but rather, how it is being used that is the crux of the matter.

then again, is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed? which is more lasting - evolution of revolution?

i have my answers.

you may not agree with it.

so be it, i respect that.

& let's leave it at that.

then again, there are gaymen out there who do not even know what 377A is... i know gay ah peks who have lived together for years and are oblivious its existence... and for that matter, i know many gays who do not practise anal sex and as such, 377A becomes irrelevant... to them, and to these people, it is the culture, the social attitude to alternative lifestyles that matters and not something called 377A.

this brings me back to the question - is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed?

of rainbows, black & white and everything in between

there has been a recent discussion and debate on homosexuality again. and i do see many people sharing their views about the issue. some are for it, some are against it. and of cos from their individual perspectives (be it from a moral, religious etc angle), everything that is said is correct and justified and i respect them for it. i recognise that in any society, there will always be a whole range of views about anything and everything. and that there will always be a divide. there will always be individuals that chose to impose their values on other individuals through public policies, individuals who chose to take things in their own hands and be biased towards homosexuals/ heterosexuals, or for that matter, homosexuals against/ for homosexuality, heterosexuals against/ for homosexuality, etc. it's never ending... how conservative or liberal a person is and his sexuality are two different dimensions and there are different permutations. there are no right or wrong views. it is a matter of whose perspective these views are being discussed from and to what degree one wants to add qualifiers to his view. eg (and very very crudely) a cock cannot enter an anus... oh, unless, the anus is that of a female, and for that matter, a willing female, and yes, a female deemed an adult, la la la... where to end?... ultimately, what has not change are the cock and anus...

so what is homosexuality? what is a homosexual? is it a state of mind? or an act of same-sex sex? or is it based on observable behaviour? it seems like the definition is not that clearly defined afterall (have extracted how wiki has defined it below... follow the links)...

as for me, all i know is that i am gay, i love men, i am sexually attracted to men, i enjoy sex with men. i do not find women sexually attractive, and i cannot even imagine myself having sex with a woman; for the longest time in my life, i had struggled with my sexuality, have hated myself, tried to make sense of my struggles and eventually came to terms with myself at age 30. i have since grown, self-acceptance comes self-love. no straight person can understand and appreciate what i went through during those years of self-struggles and the process of coming out. it's like having to unlearn everything you thought you knew and to relearn everything all over again. i am happy the way i am now and i will live my life the way i like... and to my best.

as for my position in the society, let's put it this way, i will respect everyone and their right to exist. i will be a responsible person who respects and would do no harm to another fellow human being. i also respect the majority's views and will not conduct myself in a manner that would impose on their comfort. and in return, i do sincerely wish for them NOT to intrude into my private spaces. what i do in my privacy is a matter between me and my partner. no one can dictate who i sleep or have sex with. i have mention this before and i say it again - if i wanna screw, i screw, if i wanna get fucked, i get fucked, if i wanna suck, i suck, if i wanna get sucked, i get sucked... let's not be so naive as to pretend these things don't happen. it happens between 2 human beings, regardless of whether they are homosexual or heterosexual. for me, no public ruling is gonna stop me from doing these acts of basic instincts.

i am no activist and don't pretend to be one... all i know is that i am a person who goes about being myself and tries to convince people around me to judge me for what i am and what i am capable of not by my sexuality. and hopefully, through this awareness, come to accept homosexuals in general as the same as that of any other heterosexuals. and if by that, i am branded a passive activist - so be it... ;-)

just be happy...

Definition of Homosexuality from Wikipedia

Homosexuality can refer to both sexual behavior and sexual attraction between people of the same sex or to a sexual orientation. When describing a sexual orientation, it refers to enduring sexual and romantic attraction toward others of the same sex, but does not necessarily involve sexual behavior.[1]

blabbers of the week

... of names, prefixes & suffixes
there are so many common names and it's interesting how we tag additional references to them... for example, i have edmund chong-eddie's ex, edmund the one you dislike, edmund the officer, ice cream james, watch james, my ex james, chong my ex, chong your ex, etc etc etc... :-)

... of shows and plays

paprika - nice. somehow it also reminds me of james cos it reminds me of spirited away, ds dolly - entertaining but a bit too koh-yok for national day, asian boys vol 3 - balanced views and entertaining, harry porter - magical (doh?!!!) :-) but i like the scene where dumbledore battles with voldermot, simpsons - over-rated, somehow the running credits are nicer than the show itself (sad but true), transformers - confusing, literally too many moving parts

... of songs

ella, ella, ella - you know what song i am referring to, but i prefer scott simon's version.

... of people and places

anonymous - that is the most interesting character i got to know and if i may say, appeared to be totally spineless and unethical, keeps slandering people in the chatterbox and yet dare not identify himself (although he eventually did, i am not sure if the nick he used is really his cos the nick he used is very close to the nick of someone whom he dislikes), guess he has to reflect on his actions and to grow up, joyce - young lesbian who is about the same age as my niece. what strikes me is the fact that at such a young age, she has already been exposed to the roller coaster rides of gay relationships... sad as she has been forced to face the harsh facts of life at such a young age, but i guess it'll make her stronger in the long run, ice cream james - an ex-military personnel. so happy to meet up with him and glad that he is doing well, extremely well for that matter. except that i wish he can spare sometime to enjoy life and give himself a break, kg glam cc - was there doing my homework and had the opportunity to witness a group of aunties dance to a whole hotchpot of different ethnic music (middle eastern, ethnic chinese, tagalog, middle central China (or mongolian?)... weird, bizarre and very surreal experience!

my different experiences over my last 2 weeks made me realize how much i have matured and learned through my growing process...

childhood cartoons

so happy to be able to find some of these cartoons that i enjoyed watching when i was a small boy in the late 60s & early 70s! then, most of these were dubbed in malay! enjoy!

giant robot - the boy would summon giant robot by calling `giant robot menari!' giant robot - intro

astro boy (original version - 1963, english)

marine boy (original version - 1966)

peculiar chris

watched asian boy vol 3 earlier and thoroughly enjoyed it. couldn't helped but shed a tear when samuel died. felt the played gave a very good and balanced treatment to the gay movement in singapore over the last decade plus. such a contrast to see the whole range of different `outedness' and their take on what works for them in this homophobic society. and for me, i can identify and see myself in chris as well as nick.

anyway, it motivated me sufficiently to dig out the book `peculiar chris' from my cabinet. it was given to me by my first crush, the one that made me come out and accept myself in totality. i have never looked back. the last 10 years had been certainly a long and arduous journey, a long and learning experience. from the bottom of my heart, i say once again - thank you chong!

and when i opened to book, memories of how i first met chong and the tumultous months that followed came flooding back. well, chong gave me the book to read and to reflect on my coming out journey. guess he had knew then that the book would be a source of inspiration and strength to know that i am not alone in this world.

in the first page of the book, chong wrote - `an old book in the hands of a new friend renews understanding & life to people like us... happy reading, jeff' xx chong 10.2.97...

magic numbers

1 7 1 2 1 9 6 6 2 0 4 2 1 5 9 5 9 5 1 7 6 9 8 9 2 0 8 2 1 5 6 4 0 9 3 3 2 1 5 4 4 4 4 0 0 0 4 7 1 6 0 6 0 8 4 8 6 8 4 7 9 7 3 5 1 1 2 4 9 1 7 7 4 3 2 4 6 8 7 5 5 6 7 7 5 2 4 8 3 7 7 3, 2 2 0 5 1 9 9 9 1 6 1 1 1 9 7 6 7 6 3 7 4 6 7 9 7 6 7 8 5 0 4 6 4 8 3 5 0 4 7 0 1 1 1 2 0 0 5 7 3 4 9 1 2 7 4, 0 2 1 1 1 9 7 8 7 8 3 3 2 2 0 9 6 2 5 2 6 6 9 6 2 4 2 0 3 1 6 2 7 0 4 2 0 0 5

wish on my star

this is the song from hula girls. ukelele played by jake shimabukuro. very soothing and very touching. i teared when this song came on during the show.

i wouldn’t change a thing about you
i wouldn’t ask the green to be blue
i wouldn’t ask the birds not to fly
or change a thing in the sky
or turn hello to goodbye

i wouldn’t ask the birds not to sing
i wouldn’t ask the phone not to ring
i just couldn’t ask the wind not to blow
or a boat not to row
or the trio to go solo

you are amazing
just as you are
you’re a flower in the spring
you’re the light each morning brings
and i adore you
just the way you are

you are not the star that i wish on
you are the wish on my star

death

wat will you think about on your death bed?...

outrageous

heard this from a friend of mine who attended a course last week and where a case study was presented.... the case study involved a `controversial' behaviour by a public servant (who belongs to a superbly homophobic government organisation) who had gone to taiwan to attend a gay party... the lecturer then went on to ask the class (all of whom belonged to the same organisation) - how can we have such a character in our organisation? what if he were to start an orgy in the office? how would you react if you were to see a (gay) male public service officer having sex with another male in office?

his questions got the class outraged. has he assumed that if one is gay, then he will definitely organise orgies? how more wrong can he be! well, the class (almost entirely straight) did not take this too well. to his second question, the class replied - "just as i would react if i were to catch a male public service officer having sex with another female officer in office... for that matter, if he were to have sex with a dog..."

the lecturer, sensing the potential hostility he would face if he were to continue to pursue his homophobic views, quickly moved on to another topic...

characters in my life

(ks/ roger), (wai min), chong, (collin), (dennis/cq), (adam, now lucas), alex, andrew, amos, (albert), james...

memories...

national express, belle and sebestian, NME, entertainment weekly, venom, dear, falling off chin up bar, black pepper beef noodles, vegetable rice, scented bathes in the bath tub, tokyo, london, leeds, oxford, rented ford mondeo, flying inkpot, reviews, raoul, nie graduation, alanis @ harbourfront, bjork, peaches, ngoh hiang, pow sing,...

it's amazing how memories can sometimes overwhelm you. not unlike a flash flood or a tsunami that swells and rushes through you... bitter, sweet, sad, happy, angry...

falling apart

reported sick for sore throat and did a blood pressure check 2 weeks ago... result - 138/89. today, it was 138/88... not significantly different.

frightening thing is in the consistency of the pressure. used to have low bp many years back. now, the reading is found to be above what is generally considered normal (<130/ 80), a bit on the high end... or for that matter, can be considered mild high blood pressure.

getting old i guess... things have been falling apart after 35, hastened a lot after being outed at 38 when in that one year, I suffered (suspected) asthmatic attacks, (several bouts of severe) chest pains, high cholesterol, several blanked offs (epilepsy due to stress?), broken ankle, etc.

facts of life...

Beautiful Sunday

A pleasant and beautiful Sunday for me... regardless of the fact that I did almost absolutely nothing other than spending a lazy morning in bed with my bee bee, marketing in the Marine Terrace wet market and the whole afternoon chatting with my mum (quality time!) while cleaning my house... cleaning the rugs, hand-wiped the floor (of the whole house), washing the bedsheets, pillow cases, sunning the mattresses etc etc... and occasionally stealing time to surf the web.

Visited Joyce's blog (she's someone who used to live in my estate but have since moved out and I only got to know of her existence when I did a google for "gay changi green"!). Well, I really enjoyed the questions that she posed in her blog. Here's a sample of what she posted:

Q) why is it so hard for you to turn straight?
A) why not you try turning gay now?

Q) how can you be so sure that you like girls?
A) for guys: how can you be so sure that you like girls only?
for girls: how can you be so sure that you like guys only?

Q) you haven't tried dick before. what makes you so sure you don't like heterosexual sex?
A) for guys: you haven't tried dick before. what makes you so sure you don't like gay sex?
for girls: you haven't tried pussy before. what makes you so sure you don't like lesbian sex?

Q) Desperate guys: give me a chance. I'm sure I'll turn you straight.
A) I have a gay friend who's single. give him a chance. I'm sure he can turn you gay. :)

Q) so are you the "GUY" in the relationship?
A) there's no such thing as "GUY" or "GIRL" in my relationship. we're both girls in love with each other.

Q) you're lesbian. you must have been hurt by a guy before?
A) for girls: you're straight. you must have been hurt by a girl before?
for guys: you're straight. you must have been hurt by a guy too before?

Q) girls: you're lesbian. why don't you like me? / how come you've never fancied me before?
A) (for the last damn time,) me being lesbian doesn't mean I will hump every girl that moves. oh wait, look at that short and fat guy with pimply oily face over there. you're straight, why don't you like him?

Found myself giggling and smiling to myself. Nice right? Well, one or two of her questions reminded me of something I posted in my blog sometime back... "It's always socially more acceptable for a straight couple to do an immoral deed, then for a gay couple to find love." Agree?

A new week ahead...

What's Next? Still Restricted?

Thinking aloud... with this latest twist (see article below) in development in Singapore, does it mean my security department no longer has any rights to restrict my visits to gay joints and that I am no longer bounded by the commitment they made me sign? also, that I no longer need to tell them about my trips overseas?

Article from Straits Times published on 11 Jul 2007 (also available online)

MM LEE'S INTERVIEW WITH BERITA HARIAN
No prying on gays but no marriages either

GAY marriages are recognised by some countries, but Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew does not see Singapore going that way.

Singapore, a more conservative society, wants to keep its social norms, he said.

But the Government should not act like moral policemen, 'prying on consenting adults', he added.

MM Lee made the point in an interview with Malay daily Berita Harian, published yesterday.

He said: 'At present, the West accepts homosexuals, and some countries even recognise gay weddings.

'We cannot go that far. We are a more conservative society.'

Citing the Church of England, Mr Lee noted serious tension between the Anglican church in England, which was more tolerant of homosexuality, and the Anglican communities in Africa and Asia that rejected it totally.

'In Singapore, we want to maintain our social norm, which is that men and women marry and form stable families within which they bring up children,' he said.

But neither should the Government pry on consenting adults, he added, reiterating a view he has expressed a couple of times this year.

'We must take cognisance of the contemporary world that has become more accommodating...Homosexuals are mostly born that way, and no public purpose is served by interfering in their private lives,' he said.

Mr Lee also said the integrated resorts (IRs) and Formula One racing will increase Singapore's buzz, attract a few million more tourists and make the island a lively place to visit and do business.

The IRs are expected to open from 2009, and Singapore will host the F1 Grand Prix from next year.

Mr Lee said: 'If we remain static and unchanged, known only as clean and green Singapore, but otherwise with an international reputation for being a dull and antiseptic place, we will lose out in this fast-changing world.

'High-level executives want to be posted to a country not just for an increase in their pay but also what lifestyle they and their families can enjoy.'

Hence the need for a lively pop culture like the IRs and bars, and a vibrant high culture like concerts, he said.

MM Lee also stressed the need for Singapore to attract foreign talent and foreign workers to thrive.

Foreign talent will create more jobs for Singaporeans, while foreign workers will do jobs locals avoid and bear the brunt of layoffs in a recession, he said.

'The more talent - local and foreign - we have, the more dynamic our economy and the better-off Singaporeans will be.

'The less talent we have, the less our economic vitality with fewer jobs, and more unemployed.'

ZAKIR HUSSAIN

2% GST - or is it?

well, on the surface, it's 2% GST. generally true for the big items, and for those who purchase items directly from big retailers, shopping centers and what have yous.

for those heartlanders who shop at the typical ah-seng chup huay tiam, eats at hawker centers; and pays by cash, it's not so simple and straight forward... overheard yesterday at the hawker center - heartlander aunties chatting away... kopi `o' now cost 10 cents more (60-70 cents instead of 50-60 cents) - that's easily another 20%, not to mention also, unbranded plain bread (not those gardenia or sunshine type) - used to be S$1, now it's S$1.20, again, another 20% increase... the zai bee hoon used to be $2, now it's $2.50... a bit here and a bit there, it's easily 10-20% increase overall!

and of course, not to mention other ways of getting around the 2% include - lesser ingredients, lesser noodles, smaller cups, etc... cannot say they have increased the price right? but in the end, the people have to face the brunt.... 2%? cannot compute in such straight forward manner right?

all these does not seem to tally with the overall intent of increasing 2% GST so as to subsidize the poorer people...

no, no, don't get me wrong, i think the 2% increase is justified for the bigger good, but i guess it is not easy to police such policy changes and perhaps in the way things are unfolding as i am seeing, it seemed like this is another case of pure intention, but poorly managed implementation... and hopefully, it is not a case of loosing touch with the ground...

watching from afar

found myself observing and following his life from afar.through his msn intro, through his blog, through his fridae account, through his friends, whatever source of info that i can get.still, i am concerned about him and his well-being. but, i am not able to tell him nor is it convenient to do so.

kind of weird... but i guess i have no choice.

for the time-being, till we both start to feel comfortable enough to face each other and talk about our lives, i have to watch from afar.

hope he enjoys his bangkok trip.

(well, again it's kinda mixed feeling for me to know that he is going bkk. cos when we were together, he swore blind he would not go there. to him, bkk was a dirty and polluted place... also, i wonder who he is going with)

not himself

that was what was reflected on his msn intro... hope he is fine.

7 down 3 to go...

nearing the completion of my 7th module in my masters.

3 more to go.

aim to graduate Jul 08.

emotional rush

amidst the songs, i was quietly crying inside.

fusion bak chang

once again, bak chang season. completed after 2 days of hardwork. glad everyone likes it :) my recipe as shown below - my own version - fusion chang - nonya and hokkien kiam chang... first attempt was during my tour in the states in 2004. all the delegates who tried liked it. my fellow singaporeans loved it as it reminded them so much of home. and my thai friends and their families loved it to bits! i decided that i should continue making it and improving on the recipe, even after coming home.

meat
4kg of meat (wu hua rou)
300g of heh bee (dried shrimps soaked for 3 hours)
1 large packet (300g) dried shiitake mushroom (soaked overnight & sliced)
15 large onions (diced)
10 garlics (chopped)
250g of sweetened preserved winter melon (diced 5mm)

seasonings for meat
2 packets of coriander powder
white pepper powder (to taste)
200g of white sugar
light soya sauce (to taste)
dark soya (to taste and to colour)
50 mil of sesame oil
50 mil of oil (vegetable)
50 mil of lard (optional)
1 tablespoon msg (optional)

rice
4kg of glutinous rice (soaked for 3 hours)

seasonings for rice
white pepper powder (to taste)
10 mil of sesame oil
20 mil of oil (vegetable)
10 garlics (chopped)
1.5 tablespoon salt (or to taste)
half cup gravy from the cooking of the meat
1 tablespoon msg (optional)
pandan leaves (about 7, cut 5cm long and sliced vertically)

others
120 bamboo leaves (washed in hot water and soaked overnight)
rafia strings (tied into 10s of 50cm long) (1 roll makes about 12 bundles of 10s)
pandan leaves (2 stalks) cut to 2cm strips (for inserting into the dumplings)

(recipe posted in 16 jun 2007 & updated in 08 jun 2008)

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

A very nice song to share...



We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Have said too much
But not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

feeling old, passe

was at cathay grand this evening watching hula girls.
the whole crowd seemed so young.
so energetic
so...

then it dawned upon me that i have aged.
not a nice feeling.
but it hit me alright.

my 30s are over and gone.
my best years have gone.
and i have totally wasted it.
well, not the rite thing to mourn over it.
better start living my 40s before i regret it.

nightmare in perth

it's my worst holiday ever.
nothing went right from the time we touched down.
forgot to bring my driving license.
ended up having him drive.
stressed him up big time.
took the brunt...

could not understand why he cannot plan the trip.
could not understand what his thoughts were.
could not understand his sense of distance and directions.
why could he not be more proactive in planning what to see, what to do.
at least if he practively act on the itinerary and plan his route
he will be less stressed up when driving.

culminated in a big bang and all hell broke loose on the eve of my return.
anyway, glad i am home.
my worst holiday ever.

being happy

is a state of mind...

the break up

corresponded with andy over the last two days. learnt about their break up. guess the initial months of a relationship are the most challenging. both sides need to feel comfortable for the relationship to proceed. just hope both parties are moving on well.

once again, found myself in a position of concern yet cannot speak. just thought time is not right. not convenient nor appropriate.

not yet.

about our friends

learnt from my bee bee that some of our common friends have asked if he is ok. guess they have read my blog and were worried as to whether there are any issues between us. well, things between bee and i are fine. nothing bad happening between us. as to my reflections in my blog, he is fully aware of it all. we are open about sharing our reflections and thoughts.

we rationalised that it is better to be transparent with our thoughts. we cannot escape from the fact that we have ghosts within us. it's how we manage these ghosts and how we support each other that is important.

nonetheless, i thank our friends for their concerns :)

things are really fine. really.

nostalgia - here without you

heard this song on the radio many times and had wanted to purchase the CD for the longest time ever. was something i heard over and over again when i lived in tampa, florida and the radio would play it almost everyday. became a song that accompany my daily runs around the tampa bay.

such nostalagia. can almost smell the smell of the bay whenever i hear this song.

:-)

i miss florida.

my funeral song

the song to be played for my funeral

Lyrics...

Tender is the night
lying by your side.
Tender is the touch
of someone that you love to much.
Tender is the day
the demons go away.
Lord, I need to find
someone who can heal my mind.

Come on, come on, come on
get through it.
Come on, come on, come on
love's the greatest thing.
Come on, come on, come on
get through it.
Come on, come on, come on
love's the greatest thing, that we have,
I'm waiting for that feeling,waiting for that feeling,
waiting for that feeling to come...
Oh my baby, oh my baby

Tender is the ghost
The ghost I love the most.
Hiding from the sun
waiting for the night to come.
Tender is my heart
it's screwing up my life.
Lord, I need to find
someone who can heal my mind...

Tender is the night
lying by your side.
Tender is the touch
of someone that you love to much.
Tender is my heart
it's screwing up my life.
Lord, I need to find
someone who can heal my mind...

Oh my baby, oh my baby
Heal me, heal me

planning for my funeral

i know it sounds kinda bizarre and totally warped... but i have been telling my bee bee and my family how i would like my funeral to be done.

buddhist funeral.
no frills.
make it a simple affair that celebrates life rather than mourn my death.
death marks the end of a chapter.
but more importantly,
it marks the start of a new beginning.

for a start, i would like the song `tender' to be played during my funeral. james introduced it to me sometime back. no particular reasons other than the fact that i really like the song - gives me a gospel-like feel yet not `christiany'. i would very much like it to be played during my funeral. i still do. i still do.

also, i would like to be cremated. and my ashes be strewn into the sea. or back to the forest. bottomline, i would like to be back with mother nature.

my dog is getting old

sapphie is now 7.5 years old. middle age for a dog.

she underwent a lymphactomy last month to remove 2 lumps of fats from her body. the vet had advised for the lumps to be removed soonest in case it happened to be cancerous. well, she has since recovered from her op. the vet had also cautioned against any snacks or human food as her test showed that she might have initial signs of kidney failure...

but i still cannot but feel that she has somewhat aged over the past months. despite the fact that she is still as playful, she seemed to get into these moments of slow responses, reduced agility and more proned to injuries.

just today, while playing, she jumped up to reach her toy and as she landed, she sprained her own rear thighs. ended up whimpering and limped around the house in pain. she was very confused why she couldn't walk properly and i could see the pain in her eyes. it was such a sad sight.

first time i came across such an incident. so sad. she only recovered after i massaged her thighs and through it all, she was whimpering away, not in the manja way, but in the oh-it-is-so-^(&^(*^&*$^%$-painful sort of way.

getting old with age i guess.

qualifiers - james

felt the need to write this after some friends asked me about james...

i want to qualify here that what has been reflected are my personal reflections. reflections seen through my lenses and expressed from my point of view. i may sound critical of james and i may come across as sounding self-righteous. but really, i have my own faults and i have, admittedly, played a part in the eventual break-up. to be fair, james is really a beautiful person despite his minuses. what i have written are expressions of my frustrations - and to me, it is natural to write more about my pains rather than my happiness.

and he will always be a part of me.

forever.

are u obsessed?

peter wrote me a mail and we chatted last nite. he asked if i am obsessed about james and whether my relationship and the eventual parting with him will continue to haunt me... well, i really don't think so. what i have written was perhaps a reflection of what went thru my mind at a particular point in time. my reflections is a way of helping me put things in perspective. it helps me move on.

it is interesting how many of the cliches appeared and reiterated itself in this episode between james and i. cliches such as `if you love someone, let him go', `time heals', `treasure your past, learn from the mistakes', `don't try too hard to forget the past, it will haunt you, accept it, treasure it, learn from it and move on', `it is not important how much you do, but how you have made the person feel that is important'... it all come so naturally when one reflects over the relationship in a composed and objective mind

for me, of cos i am angry, of cos these emotions will continue to appear whenever i see new things happening, of cos there will be a tendency to compare... these are just natural. but what is important is that we reflect on it and see things in perspective. i have to do that. only by doing so will i continue to grow and move on.

james was, is and will continue to be a very important part of me and my life. i have spent 10% of my whole life dedicated to him. whatever faults he may have, whatever hurt i might have caused him, whatever hurt he might have made me go thru will all be put in perspective over time. as we grow and reflect, we will slowly begin to understand why we acted the way we did and perhaps even acknowledge that we had been too hotheaded, too self-centered, etc

i have.

not much different from how one forgives the dead when he dies. no point holding on to the grudge. it destroys one silently.

i see this as part of growing up as a person, not just as a gay person.

wanna buy tickets?

received an sms from james last nite. it went something like this:

"Hi, can i take sapphie out tomorrow?.... oh, i had bought 2 tickets to asian boys vol 3 on 21 jul 8pm at drama center and i cannot make it. would you like to buy the ticket from me? it cost 48.40 each. .... oh, the phone is still with me, i will pass it back to you tomorrow..."

seemed like a very straight forward sms. could not but felt very strange and somewhat disappointed for the following reasons

• knowing him, he'd probably offer the tickets to his friends for free (he had on previous occasions, bought tickets for performances and due to last minute changes, offered tickets to his friends for free eg dominic and jason). but that he had instead asked me if i wanted to buy... well, what does that mean?
• it's been 3.5 weeks and only now does he remember that the phone, that i use for work and that i had passed to him as he had in-camp training, is still with him. what does that say of his attitude when it comes to things that does not really matter to him? well, that's him i guess. this part of him had not changed.

anyway, told him i bought a new phone and that he can keep it for future in-camps. as for the tickets, don't think i'll be watching asian boys anyway, but had immediately said ok and transferred the money to him. at least i can ease his tension of having to find someone to sell the ticket to.

his smses set me thinking about another thing - has he and andy broke up? noted that he had changed his fridae profile from `in a monogamous relationship' to `single'. did something happened? cannot help but felt a bit worried about him.

but it was not convenient for me to ask.

james & i - the final straw

the following capture some of the questions and events that tipped the scale... and I decided to move on... after 7 years of waiting.

context: in my car by siglap community center. driving home after our sunday breakfast at bedok hawker center. raised the issue and asking cos I was so exasperated with his refusal for sex, his avoidance to talk to me abt it, and instead choosing instead to talk to dominic and his closeness to dominic.

me: what, in your opinion, are the differences between a friend and a boyfriend or for that matter, a partner?

him: I don't know.

context: another sunday after breakfast at frankel cidele. downstairs - at my car park, after parking my car. me - feeling frustrated with his obsession with his work, choosing to stay at work (with dominic?) rather than spending time with me.

me: how long more will i have to wait before you can spend time with me, doing what couples do, watch tv, laze around, ...? it's been 6 year's and it's become a constant pattern. year after year of waiting, from when you were a sec 1 form teacher until now, you are a jc 1 form teacher... and i am not getting any younger.

him: my aim is to eventually be a director in the ministry and i will continue to work as hard, harder if i have to, until reach my directorship.

me: and how long will that be?

him: another fifteen years.

me: and you expect me to wait for fifteen years?

him: yes.

context: been told of my suspected epilepsy and had to go for my second brain wave test after a night of deprived sleep. feeling very tired, not allowed to drive, petrified, and scared shit of what was happening to me. sep 23, 2005. before changing up to go to the hospital, i asked for the final time, half pleading.

me: will you be able to take some time off and accompany me to the hospital?

him: i can't. i have a meeting to attend. cannot postpone.

was i selfish to break the relationship? if it is no, why then do i feel so guilty doing it? was it not something a sane person would do to protect himself. was i wrong to do something to preserve myself? just that once?

james & i - third year to sixth

the year was 2002-3.

i decided to leave sia cargo before my confirmation. i couldn't see any future in the company. not when my direct boss kept bitching and picking on everything i do. couldn't take her accusations and suspicions anymore.

went back to service for one simple reason - money. very practical. i had concluded that no matter where i go, i will have to put up with homophobia. i have concluded that what i have to address is myself (not too sure about that now though).

anyway, james & i continue into our third year.

he progressed to teach in the second year for the gifted programme. his obsession with his work continued. the toll on our relationship was clear. in part, it was also due to me not being able to communicate to him the way he would like me to, and for me, due to his consistent late and long hours at work (i really did not know if it was work or his escaping from me).

james would focused all his attention and time in his school work. where i could, i helped him count marks, add marks, vet his scripts, vet his slides, give comments on his lesson plans, etc etc etc.

being a perfectionist, james would set himself standards that no normal person would ever set. as a result, he got himself drawn further and further into his work. he would toll from 5 plus in the morning to past midnight. sometimes he would work overnight. noting that his work had begun to affect his health, i tried talking to him to manage it better and to give himself more rest. he would not. with him being so engrossed (obsessed with his work), even thru the weekends, the slow process of being neglected emotionally kicked in.

i called that obsession
he called it passion
fine line

to me, it was passion to a certain point. but i called it obsession when it took it's toll of his health, his ability to interact with me, his refusal for food, his perfectionist approach towards getting very single bit of colour, font, etc `correct' for his slides. also, being a teacher-in-charge of editorial board of the school, he took it upon himself to do the design, the editing, etc. he would get angry when i suggested letting the students take charge. he would accuse me of not being supportive. my suggestions would, over time, began to become accusations of being unsupportive to him over time.

it was a pressure he had exerted on himself cos he felt the need to perform. given that he is a govt scholar, he said that he wanted to prove himself in the education field in general and in the gifted programme teacher fraternity, more specifically. the annual pattern of a typical school teacher began to set in. only that during jun holidays, he would be engrossed with cca and dec holidays, he would be engrossed in meetings and preparation for the following year.

our holidays began to get very short and very planned/ deliberate. nothing was spontaneous anymore. our lives began to revolve around his schoolwork. our routines began to set in, i eventually became his nanny, father, mother, maid etc.

to make matters worst, he would keep to himself, mix with his group of friends, avoid my friends (for reasons that they are not his frequency). and with this refusal to widen our common space, our gap began to widen.

our third year was an uneventful one. but it was to become the pattern for our 4th 5th and 6th year. until i decided to call it off.

james & i - second year

left the service in jan 00
was unemployed for 4 months
life was not easy, every cent counts
james had, by then, started his pgde in nie
he a stable income from his scholarship and from tuition
he helped out in our family income

thing improved somewhat when i found a job in sia cargo
but finances were still tight
my workplace politics was terrible
especially when i had a totally fucked up boss - chong hoi peng
single unmarried female
always in her mood swings
she would always pick on every little things i do
what i did rite was to her credit
what i fumbled was my own fault
it was open screwing in front of everybody
even in open forums and meetings

thru these times where i was trying to find my new balance in civilian worklife
james stayed by me
he was my strength
we began building our `family'
he wanted a dog
lester's bitch - coco - gave birth to a litter of 8 (one died)
we ended up with one of the puppies as a result
james named her sapphie - after saphos - a greek lesbian or something to that effect

perhaps it was due to my previous work experience
where i could not talk abt my work lest i risk being charged with osa
i was never at ease talking abt work or anything related to work
this created huge tensions with james
my time spent with james at theatres, dramas, shows etc
allowed me to focus on all these events instead of talking about work
throughout period, what i did was share my perspective
it didn't go well with james
i could not express things from a literary angle
it was a great source of frustrations for james
it hit a point where, on our way home from a performance along xilin ave,
feeling flabbergasted at heading nowhere in our conversation, he shouted:
"i do not think i can ever engage you in a literary discussion!"

that was one of the first signs of cracks in our relationship

it was made worst by the differences we held in life's values
reflecting, it was perhaps due to our age difference
for example, our attitude to savings
- for me, i would set aside a part of my salary for savings and spend the rest
- he argued that one should spent all he needs and save what is remaining
i just could not convince him my point of view without sounding condescending

our differences began to show in almost every aspects of lifestyle
i was the neater person between us
he was the untidy one
he could not understand why i got flustered weekly due to housework
he could not understand why i had not just spend some money to employ a maid
i had made my efforts to know his friends
but to him, he felt he could not engage my friends in a sufficiently intellectual discussion
he kept his distance - no point doing something if he did not like it

this attitude reflected our difference in the manner and approach to solving problems
it was different from the start

the imbalance in our attitudes to our lifestyle, people in our lives started to show

it eventually hit a point where it impacted our relationship
despite these differences
we convinced ourselves in our own ways that we can keep it going
we adapted to one another's person's idiosyncracies
we wanted to make it work

by this time, james had completed his nie pgde course
he was sent to a neighbourhood school to teach in the normal tech stream
that was a period of high stress for him stressful for that fact that not only was the students beyond control james also felt that it was not intellectually challenging for him
perhaps he had felt that as a scholar it would not do him any good to continue this way
he established contact with the gifted programme co-ordinator in moe and finally manoeuvre his way out of the school to another school as a gifted programme teacher

this went well with him but it took a toll on our relationship and that would eventually kill it

to our friends we were the ideal couple
i actually thought, and i think james too, thought we were
fine line between escapism/ denial and reality
we had made all efforts to keep together
we began to expose each other to our families
our coexistence became an inseparable fact to my family
for his family
i was his landlord
i remained so for the next few years

our routine of holidaying together at least once a year carried on
it was britain this time round

that capped our second year together

james & i - first year

decided to commit to a relationship after several failed attempts
and feelings of extreme `jaded-ness'
told myself that if there was anyone who could ever give me a chance in life was me myself
james, happened to be at the rite place and the rite time
he was there for me when i needed someone

after deciding to a relationship with james
i opened myself up totally to him
he was my first, and i guess i was naive

expressed my fears of being 10 years his senior
took the risk of being with someone in my same set-up
decided to take the chance for simple reason that i had applied to leave my line
more importantly, this was someone whom i really believe can make me happy
i am really attracted to him, physically, intellectually and i could feel an emotional connection
he came across as mature for his age and was able to relate to me
my only tension was that i was 10 years older than him
he assured me it's no issue

i spoilt him from the very start
fetched him to and from work
`smuggled' him out of workplace
`coincidental' meetings while he was on his way out
when he was restricted from leaving, i bought him kaya fuilette, tuna, etc from petrol kiosk
when he was let off, we would spent all our time together

our first dinner - zicha store at bedok simpang
kiam chye soup, egg omelette... simple fare, but did not know till much later that he hated it
nonetheless, i took it upon myself to provide for him
his needs, be his chaffeur, gave excuses to drive him to heeren
where he would spend his time listening to songs, cds
first year was filled with plays, cds, heeren, writing and vetting his reviews, inkpot
kenneth, matt, jo, then lawrence
all his close friends
then it was daniel, shyam, his camp mates and his friend's friends, wee thye, eugene, john, etc
venom, dance, drag queens, leroy, kumar
felt out of place initially, but eventually got used to it
changed my habits, changed my choice of songs, changed from 933 to 980, 987, 950
started listening to belle and sebastian, alanis, bjork... (still hate her songs!)
care free days where i could hang out with him at bars and discos
but that was to end after he got into nie

some of his bad habits - phone beepings, non-stop smses
took it in stride
convinced myself that to love someone, i will have to accept all his faults
convinced myself that i have to change my tastes - in food, in music
to attend plays, performances,
to appreciate shakespeare
to appreciate theatre
convinced myself that i will have to change to suit him
to show him i love him
took it upon myself to change for him
found myself liking it eventually and embraced it naturally
reinforced my believe that i could change for someone one i loved so dearly

perhaps i was stupid, naive
but it was something i really believe i should do
i loved him

he moved in with me
he eventually ORDed
we went for our first holiday together in japan
that was the start of our annual routine of holiday overseas at least once a year

he started giving tuition and started preparing for his pgde

it was during one of our night outing to heeren that we got into the wrong side of the law
he folded the car park coupon instead of tearing it
when we returned
the mak cik was there
was charged in court for that mistake
took the blame for him
cannot afford to spoil his future
asked jason's sis to help out
delayed the sentencing till i leave my set-up

that was our first year

james & i - the beginning

it was late 98 when i first met james. he was posted to my unit after his uni studies and was posted to my operations branch. i first caught sight of him when he walked pass my office. at that time, i didn't know which department he was from but i would constantly keep a look out for him.

i was attracted to him but did not dare show it. i was conscious of my status, and more importantly, i knew it wasn't right to show any personal likings to any specific individual at the workplace, particularly when the workplace was that of a military camp and where homosexuality was not accepted. but that did not stop me from keeping a look out for him. during our regular twice weekly runs, i would steal glances at him. but i was discreet about it.

one fine day, together with my colleage, i garnered my courage and spoke to james. acting all macho shit and making sure i do not come across as pecha, i asked in a most straight faced manner if he ran often and that i noted he was a good runner. he told me he was downgraded due to his dislocated shoulder. the conversation went everywhere and ended with me asking him to take care of himself. that was my first contact with james.

fast forward, feb 99. i met james at taboo during chinese new year. he was there with daniel, a recce trooper who had been downgraded and with whom james got rather close to. kinda felt awkward when we met, yet i was pleased. pleased for that fact that i had outed myself to him and that i have nothing more to hide from him. we carried on at work respecting each other's privacy. i were to later find out from him that he had a crush on me and that he would wait for me in his bunk to see me come to work. nonetheless, we kept our distance. whatever attraction there was, we did not show.

early-99 was a difficult period for me relationship-wise. i had gone through a couple of one-side "relationships". and during that period, i had gotten to know amos. it was probably the first one where there were mutual interest and he stayed over numerous weekends. but in may 99, he told me he couldn't proceed with this "affair" further. he decided to give me up as he couldn't reconcile his sexuality with his religion. and that was it. it was painful and but he had wanted to be with his god. i gave him my blessing. that was 10 may 1999.

i had gone to chill out and to nurse my heart break at taboo on 22 may 99 with my friends. and it was there that i saw james again. i recalled he was with his friend (another of his camp mate) at the corner and he saw me too. we didn't speak through the night but we continued to glance at each other throughout the night. that night, i stayed back late after my friends left and went up to talk to him. i was to find out that he too had stayed back late to wait for me. we spoke and i suggested going to marina park for a walk. he took my car. it was a very nice evening (or rather, morning) drive.

and that was it. we had our first kiss on the bench in marina park.

it was surreal

i was uncertain

i was scared

he was 10 years my junior

i was 33, he was 23

but i told myself, i have to give myself a chance

despite the worries that he may be too young and that i may be in for a difficult ride

our relationship lasted 6.5 years

it ended on 1 nov 2005.

this world can do with a bit more understanding

as i read the Straits Times forum today, i cannot but feel a very strong sense of homophobia in the tone of Johnathon Cheng Hern Sinn who wrote in about homosexuals. with the few lines, he has sweepingly branded all homosexuals as promiscuous, immoral etc, alluded that the acceptance of homosexuals means rampant pornography in neighbourhoods, crime rate will increase and that the city will no longer be clean. what rubbish. line of thought totally warped. nothing is going to change the fact that regardless of whether the city legalise homosexuality or not, there was, is and will always be a sizeable number of homosexual singaporeans.

too many assumptions and strong sense of homophobia in his letter.

just too tired to even try to convince people like him that homosexuals are normal people, just like him. i am born this way, i have loved men since as long as i can ever remember and nothing can change this fact. i am really tired of all these homophobia shit. i cannot imagine how Johnathon Cheng will react if one or more of his son/s turn out gay.

i just want to live my life peacefully, just like everyone else including Johnathon Cheng and his family. i don't cross your path, do please leave mine alone.

loving andy

not too sure how to write or express myself here. have some friends who know andy and they have told me that he is a really nice person. not too sure why, but when i heard of that, i felt really happy for James. really happy that someone nice and caring is looking after James. and although i felt a li'l jealous for the fact that they are together, i also found myself wishing that James is also loving andy unreservedly.

i somehow sense that James has learnt to be more open and expressive. it somehow made me feel somewhat sore for the fact that what i had waited for for 7 years is now being expressed and enjoyed by another person. then again, there's really no point feeling this way.

as at this current moment, they are having their week-long holiday in beijing. very naturally, i found myself, sms-ing James the few very nice places that i am sure he would like to go... foot massages, great wall of china, beijing opera experience, etc. kinda weird to be experiencing a whole lot of different feelings at the same time... feelings of jealousy, happiness, disappointment, sadness, etc. and also the worry that James' might overexert himself given that he just had his appendicitis op 2 weeks ago.

James will be coming home and starting his new job. there will be new challenges, new people, new dynamics, new things to learn, new demands. i am confident he can manage, but i hope it will not take his time and attention away from andy. i wish James well in his new job.

a lot of truth in the saying - if you love someone let him go... yet this is very hard to do.

enjoy beijing my dear.