today is singapore's national day. my country's 42th birthday. i experienced a whole lot of different emotions when i read the straits times' national day special that focused on the theme of best friends.firstly, i was quite amused by the many photos that show so many male-male and female-female subjects and the captions that came along with it. my gaydar was ticking away so strongly!... ooooh, there are so many gay and lesbian couples inside... there's even a male pair that has one giving his `best friend' a peck on his cheek! it was so funny that pictures with such homo-social behaviour are so openly shown with no public outcry... :-) guess the title - `best friends' - did a lot of help to take away the `gayness' of the photos... matter of perspective ya? :-)
secondly, looking at the statistics and reading the reflections about the importance of friends, it occurred to me that it is not easy for a straight person to fully appreciate a gay's concept of family. cos for many of us, our friends are our family. and thinking abt this, i couldn't help but feel victimized when i thought about how i had willed my social structures and friends (and family) away when i naively signed on the dotted lines on that fated day in may 2005.
thirdly, i felt a mixed feeling of pride of being a singaporean, yet a sense of betrayal and soreness thinking of how i had been unfairly treated by the government and the organisation i had served and still serving in for being gay... i was reminded of questions such as whether i can conduct myself professionally, whether i can be a good protector of my beloved nation, etc came flooding back. looks like i am still being haunted by that experience. it seemed like every national day, i get this mixed sense of patriotism and betrayal.
despite having watched the preview two weeks ago, when i watched the parade on tv today, i cried. again.
happy birthday singapore...
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