bee has been away since last afternoon visiting the indon/balai local childcare center together with a community group. found myself alone suddenly and it dawned upon me that other than spending time with him, i have no other persons whom i can go out with. friends in my phone list are just that - friends. people whom i cannot talk to `just like that'.
not healthy, certainly not healthy.
i reflected on why my life has come to such a sad state of affairs. i used to have many friends. people whom i can go out with and chat away without worries, people whom i can click with. that was many years ago when i was younger.
i quickly realized that in the 7 years i had been with james, i had focused too much of my time on him. looking after him, pampering him... and given his dislike in spending time with my friends, i had, unknowingly, blocked myself out from my friends. i recalled once when his `bestest' friend - joanne - in sep 2002 (my third year) told me when i confided in her about my tensions at the car park below her parent's old flat in tampines - "hey, even tho i am his good friend, i'll still tell you this - if i were you, i'd break off with him and move on. you do not need to worry about him, he'll continue to survive without you. he has lots of friends. pse don't spoil him. as for you, pse take care of yourself." but i guess, i had, in my desire to have a lasting relationship with james, convinced myself that i can wait out my tensions for him to give me the attention i needed.
my being outed by my office in 2005 and subsequently my signing of a commitment not to visit gay places and minimise contact with gay friends did not help for it took away my social structures, structures that allowed me to survive as a member of my community. this is not unlike getting a straight person to sign a commitment not to meet or go out with his wife, children and family. perhaps signing that commitment is like endorsing a death sentence on myself. for now, i am no different from a prostitute.
but well, those are the past, no use crying over spilled milk. and looking on the bright side, while this 36hrs of absence made me appreciate my bee better, it also reminded me not to commit the same mistake as i did when i was with james. me and my bee must have our own space while we work hard to widen our circle of friends. and for myself, i need to make the effort to make friends and re-establish my own social circle. i need to find my position in my community.
again.
for only i can do it.
no one else.
not healthy, certainly not healthy.
i reflected on why my life has come to such a sad state of affairs. i used to have many friends. people whom i can go out with and chat away without worries, people whom i can click with. that was many years ago when i was younger.
i quickly realized that in the 7 years i had been with james, i had focused too much of my time on him. looking after him, pampering him... and given his dislike in spending time with my friends, i had, unknowingly, blocked myself out from my friends. i recalled once when his `bestest' friend - joanne - in sep 2002 (my third year) told me when i confided in her about my tensions at the car park below her parent's old flat in tampines - "hey, even tho i am his good friend, i'll still tell you this - if i were you, i'd break off with him and move on. you do not need to worry about him, he'll continue to survive without you. he has lots of friends. pse don't spoil him. as for you, pse take care of yourself." but i guess, i had, in my desire to have a lasting relationship with james, convinced myself that i can wait out my tensions for him to give me the attention i needed.
my being outed by my office in 2005 and subsequently my signing of a commitment not to visit gay places and minimise contact with gay friends did not help for it took away my social structures, structures that allowed me to survive as a member of my community. this is not unlike getting a straight person to sign a commitment not to meet or go out with his wife, children and family. perhaps signing that commitment is like endorsing a death sentence on myself. for now, i am no different from a prostitute.
but well, those are the past, no use crying over spilled milk. and looking on the bright side, while this 36hrs of absence made me appreciate my bee better, it also reminded me not to commit the same mistake as i did when i was with james. me and my bee must have our own space while we work hard to widen our circle of friends. and for myself, i need to make the effort to make friends and re-establish my own social circle. i need to find my position in my community.
again.
for only i can do it.
no one else.
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