2012 - year of frustrations

i've decided to christen 2012 - a year of frustrations. and it certainly was so from every single fronts. and for my reflections this year-end, i have decided to do something more. i will also include liners with regards how i want to see things happen in the coming year. it is something i have never done before cos i felt it is very contrived. but really, after reflecting and writing, i think this perhaps is the way new year's resolutions could be meaningfully crafted. and to lend focus, i shall highlight all these in blue and i will sum them up at the end of my posting. so, here's a run down on the details of this frustrating year.

family

as in all years, family life has it's ups and downs. and the frustrating thing is - that there were a lot a lot more downs compared to ups. and i say this primarily due to my mum. as the primary caregiver with minimal assistance from my siblings other than some financial help towards the end of the year, i had to face all the negativity in the house created by her alone. i have been the single receiving-end of all her old age problems. and a lot of my life has also been adjusted, both directly and indirectly as a result of her nonsense. if it had not been for the fact that she is my mum, i would have used the 'f' word through and through. notably, the trend has been downwards for me in all fronts ever since she came over to live with me middle 2011. and this year, apart from the increased frequency of hospitalizations and medical appointments, time and efforts had been committed to look after her increasingly demanding needs so much so until i have no more life, and at times fallen sick. no, i am not complaining for it is a responsibility that i have to do, but i seriously think it is timely to reframe and re-look at (1) how i see her, considering she is no longer a "normal" person now that her mental capacities has deteriorated, and (2) how i should also focus on giving myself a better balanced life in order to continue to look after and provide for her. and as far as my siblings are concerned, things remained rather stable. my eldest sis continue to avoid me. on my second sis and my bro front, things looked generally ok. my bro has a new baby son and things are looking good for him. that is good. moving ahead, i do want to continue to build on the good relationships with my bro and my second sis. as for my eldest sis, i can only hope for the best.

bee

my relationship with bee is into our 8th year. and this year was extra challenging and frustrating for both of us. not just becos of mum, which ended with him eventually not staying over at my place. the demise of bee's dad, the purchase of a new flat, and the eventual moving in to the new place all provided the challenges that bee faced too. and this contributed just as much to the lesser time that we have for each other. in fact, at one stage, the only times we could get to see each other was during the half/ one hour in the evenings at my place car park as mum was paranoid about his presence and suspected that his mum was out to kill her in an attempt to take over my property and my monies (wtf right?).  also, i had several tensions and frustrations with him and this was largely due to his frequent last minute overseas trips. logic tells me it is not quite possible to schedule a series of overseas trips today and go tomorrow. this considering the fixing of itinerary, the buying of air tickets, the flight admin, etc. but it happened a couple of times this year, and many a times coinciding with super long weekends and public holidays. frankly, i did suspect he was seeing someone given that every time he goes overseas, he went on radio silence and i had different friends texting me asking if we had broken off as they saw him having holidays with his "friend" overseas. but he always insisted it was only for work. well, there is nothing much i could do but to live on with this added stress and frustration. as it stands, we end the year with him settling in nicely in his new place and our meeting has somewhat stabilized with dinners every other days. as for his overseas travels, he had indicated that he will be more open about it. moving ahead, i would like to be able to increase spending quality time with him. and i do hope that he can fulfill his promise to be more open with me with regards his work and his schedule. if a relationship were to work, both pairs of hands need to clap. i can be and have been very open about my life to him, he will have to play his part.

sapphie
as per last year, i will write a few liners for sapphie. she turned 12 this year (84 years in human-year terms). she has been very good this year. frankly, if any, apart from bee, she has been the only very stable and very loyal member of the family that was with me throughout this whole ordeal with my mum. of cos there were occasions where i got angry with her, but those were insignificant compared to the comfort she gave me. and for that, i am thankful to her. perhaps there are many things we human can learn from her - not to say things that hurt (not that she can), not to pass judgment, love unconditionally, stay by the side of the master... all the things that we humans want but always find it quite impossible to do, all becos of our stupid gap and our ego. so, if there is one thing i can do for her, i would like to give her more quality time and to bring her out as often as i possibly could in the coming year.

personal life
my personal life, defined as time for myself to do what i wanted to do and to go out with people i am close to, was almost nonexistent this year, well, apart from the moments i got from work to take a breather by the pool. it was frustrating not only for me but also for my friends as they often could not arrange to meet or if arranged, to be cancelled last minute due to mum's tantrums. so, due to the fact that i had to keep time with mum, my personal life outside work-time literally disappeared. and other than the couple of office-related compulsory events that i need to attend, i can really not remember how many times i actually spend out with my friends. and on the few occasions i managed to get time for, my minds would be worrying about how she would react when i reach home. also, many a times, she would insist on waiting for me before she sleeps and that means, i have to rush home before 9.30/10pm if i ever get to go out of the house. other than that, my personal time with any friends or bee, for that matter, without having to think twice about mum was only possible when she was hospitalized. this is something i think i will have to allocate more time and efforts towards in the coming year. it is something i need to do to put balance back to my life.

spiritual life
it would be a glaring gap if i did not reflect a bit about my religious believes here. frankly, i had not spend much time doing volunteer work nor attending dharma talks this year. for that matter, even the 3-steps-1-bow ceremony that i attend annually was cancelled in the very last minute due to inclement weather. nonetheless, buddhism has been, and will continue to be, an important part of me and my life. somehow through all the down times this years, for reasons that i could only attribute to divine blessings (which i usually do not subscribe to), i consistently am blessed with moments of encouragements, clarity and guidance. these came in the form for encouragements from friends, bloggers, family members, emails, books, etc... i will continue to practice buddhism well.

friends & significant personalities

if any, amongst all the various groups of people i will write on, friends are perhaps the only group of people that remained relatively stable this year. well, i supposed they have their own lives to live and it did not really matter if my mum created problems for me or not. but really, i do appreciate them for asking about her, for being concerned about her well-being and mine, and in the process gave me the mental, emotional support that i needed so much. in all seriousness, i believe friends are the only ones that would see me (or for that matter, us gay people in general) through in our lives. and much as i do not like to do it, i think i could categorize these friends into close friends (straight/ glbt), general friends, close colleagues, bloggers broadly. of cos, these are not mutually exclusive. let me write a bit about some of these groups of people...

firstly, close friends (straight). i would include my long time friends as well as uni friends as "close friends". most of them are straight, hence my awkward grouping of my close friends into straights and glbts. they were constantly in the know of my situation and have constantly asked about my well-being.  similarly for my closer glbt friends (including people like thomas, sam, ming, gavin, karsten, my gay-friendly tee and his mrs-to-be and so on), i am thankful to them for the constant encouragements and support. regrettably, the time available with them was affected as a directed result of my mum's condition but what we did to overcome this include having them come over to my place for barbecues as well as meeting up for lunches instead of dinners. i do really appreciate their care and concern and do want to increase the interaction opportunities with them in the coming year.

as for close colleagues, these are some of the immediate group of people that worked with me. they were part of my team and a significant lot of personality of my inner circle at work. they have been very supportive to me throughout the last 2 years and especially so during the final few weeks of my work and even after i left. interestingly, a couple of them referred me as their spiritual teacher, their mentor, friend, etc. they might not have know it, but their presence and constant emails/ smses were a constant source of encouragement for me throughout the year. i wish them well in the years to come and will continue to keep in contact with them. who knows, in future, we might become very close friends.

and of cos, for the group of people that i would generally refer to as bloggers and friends in the blogosphere, such as perth, natkean, dilbert, ladybird, tuls, leonut, harry, edwin, steve, sharks, malimo, soul, aiden, germs (who is also a uni close friend), jason, joker-jason, ooi, zach, dazza, river, wanderer, savante, yenyl, sam, chinese prick, and many more... thank you for being a part of my life this year. you guys probably did not know nor appreciate the amount of support and encouragement you gave to me this year when you made a comment in my blog or when you emailed me. as i had mentioned many times previously, blogging has been a very important way for me to manage my stress. blogging is highly therapeutic to me and i blog more when i feel stressed up. and your comments and views as i undertake this blogging journey are most appreciated. i will continue to treasure your friendship (albeit a cyber one) and will continue to blog moving ahead.

health

2012 will go down history as the year where i was hospitalized on 1 jan of the year. i had my fair share of pains as a result of kidney stones. also, the year started with me being diagnosed (officially) with depression and was put on fluvoxamin eventually. added to that, i suffered months of mouth ulcers that never seemed to heal. eventually, after some trial and errors, i managed to trace the cause of the mouth ulcers - fluvoxamin. interesting, cos it meant i either suffer the pains of mouth ulcers or get the effects of depressions. ultimately, i decided to stop fluvoxamin. as for managing my depression, it was not easy, but i have to constantly remind myself to see things positively. and this is something i will have to constantly remind myself again, moving into the next year. other than that, issues relating to my back, shoulder, arms, etc continue to irked me and i have, since the last quarter of the year, started intensive chiropractic treatment to arrest the issue. let's see how things goes for 2013, hopefully, the chiropractic treatment will yield good results. but to be able to sustain my health, i should exercise more regularly moving ahead.

work

similar to 2011, work was one of the key frustration this year. ok, to put things in better perspective, the work was ok, it was the people that created all the stress. without elaborating too much on the people factor, all i can say is that, as a result of change in personnel in the senior management, there was a lot of blame pushing and politicking. and for me, a level lower, i had to end up handling the different downstream after-effects. it was a tough and utterly frustrating year being pulled in all different directions and yet having to deal with hostile and often unco-operative colleagues. amidst all these, somehow the picture that was painted to my big big boss (to deflect blame for some senior-level mismanagement and self-interest amongst some colleagues) was that i had problems managing things in my unit due to my depression, my mother, etc (although all these were corrected and put in perspective after i left and my big big boss apologized for it). eventually i took a step back, looked at the big picture and decided that this company is not one that i see myself working for in the longer run. i threw in my resignation letter in aug and left the company in oct this year.

i had chalked up 2 plus years of experience and i think this should be reasonable enough for me to qualify as "having corporate experience" moving ahead. i end the year jobless but not hopeless. in 2013, i will get a job, and i will find one that i am comfortable with. life is too short to constantly be played by people and subjected to bosses politicking, tempers and unreasonable whims and fancies.

conclusion

the year 2012 has been more than frustrating for me on all fronts. i am blessed to have people rally around me, both real people as well as online friends. looking at my reflections, it seemed clear to me that if i can manage my mum better, and in a more balanced way, all fronts should be better. as i look forward, let me summarize the things that i have highlighted in blue above. these, if i may, will help me focus my life in 2013. although, some are without hard targets, i could in a way, call them my resolutions for 2013.

• mum - i will continue to look after and provide for her
• siblings - i will build on the good relationships with them 
• bee - i will increase spending quality time with him
• sapphie - i will give her more quality time
• personal life - i will lead a more balanced life
• spiritual life - i will continue to practice buddhism well
• friends & close colleagues - i will increase interaction opportunities with them
• bloggers - i will continue to blog and share my story from my perspective
• health - i will be more positive and i will exercise regularly
• work - i will get a job

so... yup, all said and done, despite the endless frustrations this year, i end 2012 on a positive note with a clarity of what i want to achieve in 2013. i look forward to 2013 positively.

i can only now leave with a wish for everyone to be happy, healthy and contented for the coming year.

HAPPY 2013.

:-)